5 Tips for Christians Considering Divorce

by David Peach on May 28, 2012 · Print Print · Email Email

It is a heartbreaking thing to have friends and family members who are going through divorce. Maybe you and your spouse are the ones considering a divorce and are looking for help. I hope that the information in this article can be a help to you or your friends.

If you are going through a strained relationship you may find the stress and emotional anguish difficult to bear. There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions. However your ability to think clearly and rationally about the future is often clouded by the emotional trauma you are experiencing.

The information in this article is intended for Christian couples that are struggling with non-life threatening relationship issues. If you are in an abusive marriage where one of the spouses, or worse yet, children, could become physically harmed then you should get the law involved in protecting the family.

Laying aside physical abuse and unrepentant sexual immorality, let’s look at 5 tips for Christians who are considering divorce and see if God can help you find a way to save your marriage. Because you are reading this article I assume you have some desire to keep your marriage together. I trust that you will seriously consider your alternatives and use these suggestions to bring your spouse close to you once again.

Christians considering divorce

There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions.

Pray

Please pray. Don’t neglect this. Pray that God will give you wisdom in your relationship (James 1:5). Pray for your spouse. Pray that God will give you love for him or her again (1 Corinthians 13). If you don’t maintain your relationship with a perfect and loving God during this critical time, what hope do you have for maintaining a relationship with a spouse who is an imperfect sinner like yourself?

You may find that it is hard to pray right now. Reading your Bible may become very difficult. Rarely do marriages struggle where only one partner is to blame for all the problems. It may be true that your spouse carries much of the fault, but your bitterness and pride is probably what is hindering you from wanting to even talk with the Lord. Are you afraid that He will show you sin and improper behavior in your own life?

During this time of great difficulty you should actually pray that God does reveal your faults. You absolutely cannot change your spouse. Only God and your partner can do that. You should pray for them, but spend more time praying that God will change you and make your relationship with Him stronger and better. As a result of building a better relationship with God you will invariably build a better relationship with your mate.

Remember

What brought you two together 10 years ago? What was the big attraction to him or her when you first started dating that summer? Those qualities are probably still there you just have to look for them. It is possible that he or she has changed since those innocent days. Why? Is it because you have changed in such a way that you no longer bring out those qualities in your spouse? Maybe you have nagged them so much to change through the years that when they finally did, you buried that quality you fell in love with.

I am reminded of a cartoon I saw recently where a young couple fell madly in love. After they were married she nagged him to change the style of shirt he wore. He did. She complained about the way he wore his hair. In an effort to please her, he changed that too. She asked him to change various things about his actions and appearance. He continued to change for her sake. In the end she filed for divorce stating that he was no longer the man she fell in love with years before.

The cartoon was written to comically illustrate what happens to many couples. But you may feel a twinge of guilt if you are the one who coerced your mate into making changes they did not want to make.

Try to remember those early days when you first fell in love. If you built your relationship on the right things then those qualities are still inside your spouse. However, if you built your relationship purely on a physical attraction you have to remember that you don’t have the body of a 20-year-old any more either. Jumping out of one relationship to find another physically attractive person will end the exact same way.

Find, or bring out again, the qualities in your spouse that you loved so much. They are still there. You had the power to reveal those before you were married, you can do it again.

Though we say it all the time, you did not really “fall in love.” You grew together in a relationship. Your love was planted, grew and blossomed over time. You also don’t fall out of love. It is crazy to think that you do. If you no longer have the love you once had for them it is because you have made decisions that have pushed you to growing out of love, not falling there.

Be the Kind of Person You Want to Live With

Have you stopped to consider how you are acting towards your spouse? If he or she acted like you are acting towards them, would you want to be married to you? You should model the type of behavior you expect. I know this is the type of thing parents are told in relationship to their children, but you should act properly toward you spouse as well. Do you go to church on Sunday with a smile, a Bible and all your memory verses learned and then can’t wait until you get out of the church parking lot to start yelling at your spouse? You may put up a nice front with other people, but your spouse has to live with you.

Ephesians 5:22-33 are probably not your favorite verses in the Bible at this time of your life. It commands husbands to love their wives. Wives are told to submit to their husbands. Both of these statements are not conditional on the other person’s actions. Wives should submit whether their husband loves or not. Husbands should love whether their wife submits or not. Don’t look at what your spouse’s responsibility is, focus on what you are to do. Men, become the husband that loves in such a way that your wife wants to submit and reverence him. Ladies, become the wife that makes it easy for your husband to love because you are living in obedience to the commands of God.

Communicate

Remember when you actually communicated with one another and didn’t yell? I know you may be saying that you really can’t remember the last time you communicated. But there was a time that you did. Otherwise you would not have gotten married. As a dating couple you looked forward to dropping off your little brother so you could be alone with the one you loved. Your friends from high school and college, whom you vowed you would never abandon, got ditched as soon as your spouse came into your life. You found ways to be together so you could talk even when you didn’t have time in your busy schedule.

You may be finding ways to avoid one another lately. Do you take the long way home from work so you don’t have to face the tension? Remember it takes two people to argue. If you will just admit you are sorry for the way you have been acting you could diffuse some of the tension. There is no reason for you to pretend the sinful actions of your spouse don’t exist; however, you can admit your own pride and faults. You may find that your arguments will cease as soon as you take the time to tell them you are sorry.

Attack the problem together. Don’t try to win an argument just to have another notch in your belt. You can both win if you will try and solve the problem together and stop trying to have a better argument than the other person.

It is said we communicate on five different levels. The first is casual and trivial things. This includes the weather, bus schedules and sports scores. Secondly we move to factual information. This is when one person dispenses information like at a lecture. There is usually little passion and the parties are emotionally disconnected. When you move to the third level you are talking about ideas and philosophies. You begin to share things that open you up to being vulnerable because the other person might disagree with you. When you begin to share emotions, dreams and fears you have moved to the fourth level. This is where couples get to in their conversations before they get married. They may or may not move to the fifth level which is a state of total and absolute openness where everything is shared.

Where are you in these five levels of communication? Have you begun to slip backwards on the scale? If you are having trouble in your marriage you may be back to level two or one. Open yourself up and work towards sharing some dreams again.

Live Pleasing to the Lord

Your relationship with God should be your first priority. I know this goes hand in hand with the first point about praying, but this is so critical. When God is first in your life He will help you work out your other priorities. Live a life that is pleasing to Him and He will help clear up your emotion-filled mind so that you can see things from a higher perspective.

If you are in tune with the Lord and your spouse is in tune with the Lord, then you will be in tune with one another. Just because people are Christians does not mean they will never disagree with one another. However, if they will both live in agreement and obedience to the Lord, then they will be in agreement with each other. The Jesus in you will not fight with the Jesus in your spouse.

Your marital problems should be seen as a spiritual issue. You may see your anger over your spouse spending too much money at the grocery store or working too long at the office as a physical one, but you should consider it a spiritual battle to be fought together. Ask the Lord to help you both stand together and attack the problems in your marriage.

If you are not willing to take your marital problems to the Lord then you are admitting that you are part of the problem and not willing to find a solution. Admit that to God and your spouse. Ask forgiveness from your partner and God. Then between the three of you I am certain a solution will present itself.

Have you and your spouse come back from marital problems? Please share in the comments below how God gave you victory. I know this type of topic can be very emotional to discuss. If your marriage ended in divorce anyway, please keep your comments spirit filled. It helps no one to be unkind in a discussion like this.

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{ 206 comments… read them below or add one }

Julie August 20, 2013 at 8:46 am

One more thing, He was raised catholic, I attended Christian, non denominational schools and churches and turned from it all. I think this is important bc just bc your husband is throwing around scriptures, speaking to pastors and such doesn’t mean the enemy hasn’t gripped him so tightly that he uses that as an excuse and I’m sure you see through that. My husband used the same speech, also told me He had been praying to God longer than I had and not to preach to him. Fri April 13th he wanted out completely, had already filed for divorce, Sat the 15th she was in my home visiting him, I kept quiet, kept praying, By Tues April 16 th our anniversary He was sending me Bible versus and on His own knees praying to God. He worked quickly in our case, but miraculously, and I admit for some time I was afraid it was a trap set by the enemy. Seemed too Good to be true. But 4 months later, God is still first. Prayers are still a huge part of our day even through text if we can’t speak. I guess I just wanted to reiterate how low we were, how impossible it seemed, how much hate had been brought up. I had awaken the morning of our anniversary with so much peace for the FIRST time in 6 months that I praised Him before I was out of bed, then the email came from my husband that changed it all. God is good all the time, and His timing is perfect. On my worst day I would chant this to myself over and over. And he will not bring you through this kind of pain with out an even bigger blessing that may or may not be in the form of marriage restoration. Just know He has your best interest in mind. If the flowers and small animals are watched over and provided for.. Don’t you think Kery that your even more so watched out for? Take care of yourself !!! Keep us posted

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Kery August 20, 2013 at 10:42 am

Amen. I am at such awe from your story. In 2011, my husband did this same thing with a 25 year old girl. He was filing divorce and 5 months later came back with what I thought was true repentance. He prayed and we were strong. It lasted a few months. We even renewed our vows in Jamaica. Not long after that, he was contacting the girl trying to ” find himself” . He said he missed her and what he had with her. I was still praying and hoping for God to work. I know that I hadn’t forgiven him because I was checking behind him and questioning him regularly. I was scared and insecure. About 4 months after our renewal he got another job where he met the girl he is with now. I begged him to stay away as it was a trap. He swore they were just friends and today, he wants a divorce because of his strong feelings and attachment to her. This girl is 22 years old and has got such a strong hold on my husband . My discouragement is because we have been down this path. He is claiming she is a godly woman and he deserves a woman like her. I trust God. It’s hard going through this pain in order to get to what God has for me. Thank you so much for the prayers.

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Julie August 20, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Kery , and many others I’m sorry.. I am, perhaps this is one of those things where when he feels the pressure of not quite being forgiven yet – which is what I went through for the first many months of our issues last fall he felt the guilt and that pride of thinking if she can’t truly forgive me I can’t forgive myself so I may as well “move on”…. The devils ploy no doubt but he doesn’t see that yet ! Pray that his eyes are wide open that someone besides yourself reminds him a truly godly woman WOULD NOT BE doing what she is. Truth be told, his emotions and feelings are lying to him today and yesterday and in 2011 and will continue until he listens up. The more quiet you become the more time he has to see what the new woman really is. Don’t beg or plead or call or text or write letters .. Oh I learned the hard way. God kept urging me to stay out of it and let me deal w him but I didnt listen I had my own agenda ..:) so wrong on my part .. On bended knee ask God to Take the anger hurt pain and disbelief from you so the only thing you see is Him! Like Peter on the water, Jesus didnt take the storm from him just told him during that storm to keep his eyes on HIM. I think He is trying to tell us all that ..

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Kery August 20, 2013 at 3:48 pm

My son talked to him about how he feels and my husband told him God will forgive him. Yesterday he told me he is learning to forgive himself and move forward happily with this girl. I haven’t been quiet. I guess I need to learn that. Send him daily bible readings and audio messages I hear on the radio; like james Dobson. I don’t know if h reads them or not. He barely comes o church anymore and when he does, my son says he just sits there. I’m sad about his spiral downwards. Not just the marriage. He had such an anointing and I know God hd plans for him. Many prophesies came forth on his life and how God has many works for him. He let it all slip away. That hurts my heart .

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John August 20, 2013 at 12:58 pm

My wife of 13yrs divorced me in May, and married the guy she was having an affair with two weeks ago. He was married himself, they met at our church. I’m struggling daily. I know I wasn’t perfect, but I never got a chance. I still love her, and would have done anything for her. She just met him in January. She told me he is a good Christian man.

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Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 2:05 pm

I am so very sorry John. This man surely must know, if he claims to be a “good Christian man” that adultery and divorce are wrong. I fear for this man’s eternity. Will he hear “Well done thou good and faithful servant” or worse, Matthew 7:21-23. A Christian is known by their fruits (1 John chapter 3) and I see no fruit bearing repentance and faith in Christ anymore than someone who is lost and commits adultery and is the cause of divorce. On that day of the great separation of the sheep and goats, at least I know which side you will be…as for your wife and this “good Christian man” I have intense doubts.

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Kery August 20, 2013 at 3:55 pm

She married a guy she has only known for 8 months? Was she saved? I know God gives free will. Sometimes, I feel like I want him to drop chaos n the middle of these relationships that hurt o many people. I know he is merciful as I would have been in hell many years ago. I wasn’t saved and was the biggest sinner of all. Through his love, I found him. I won’t let him go. I don’t know what to say to you John because I feel the door is already closed. Is that so pastor wellman? Where does he go from here?

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Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 4:14 pm

Here is where we must trust in God and if he is indeed a child of God, then the Holy Spirit will make him miserable in this situation and as Hebrews 12:6 says “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” You can say nothing but show him your unconditional love as Christ did us, while still enemies and hostile to Him before conversion. God can put the velvet vise on any child of his who is living in disobedience and we must trust God at all times in this process for nothing it too hard for the Lord and His loving Hand can be firm when needed and so its time to let go and let God, even as hard as this is right now. God can open doors no one else can.

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John August 20, 2013 at 5:10 pm

I’m not sure anymore? ( was she saved) she was the children’s director at our church. This guys children were in the youth group. I really never saw him at church, only his wife. My ex-wife thought she had done a good thing by getting him to volunteer at church to get him involved, and it started from there.

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Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Thanks John. Many profess Christ but do not posses Christ and Jesus said by their fruits they will know you and by the love you have for one another. I can stand in a garage and be there day and night but that doesn’t make me a car. As I have said before, the test is the fruits and if 1 John chapter 3 is any indication, it appears that neither of these two were really saved but only God knows the heart. If she is saved, and is indeed a child of God, then the Holy Spirit will make her miserable in this situation and as Hebrews 12:6 says “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son (and daughter) whom he receives.” Again, as I have stated before, God can put the velvet vise on any child of his who is living in disobedience and we must trust God at all times in this process for nothing it too hard for the Lord and His loving Hand can be firm when needed and so its time to let go and let God, even as hard as this is right now.

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Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 6:26 pm

Amen John…sometimes I am at the end of my own strength as I am in school, pastor a church, work, and write here…and also am a father and grandfather and so I also often end up in groans in prayer to which God somehow understand via the Holy Spirit. May the God of all comfort be with you in this greatest hour of your need here on earth my friend. I wish I could do more to help you than just pray.

Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Sorry John, my first sentence of my last comment should have read “Many profess Christ but do not posses Christ.” instead of may profess Christ.

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John August 20, 2013 at 5:25 pm

I’m lost now days. I don’t know what to pray for. I can think of what Paul said in Romans that God understands my groans and knows what do. I depend on that, its in His hands.

Robert August 20, 2013 at 3:17 pm

I can’t help but wonder, if the church practiced church discipline like the New Testament lays out, would we be seeing so much sin within the church? If faithful men and women would confront sin in the church when it is seen, and not look the other way until the damage is done, much of the kind of sin we see in the church would be avoided (adultery, homosexuality, greed, gluttony, etc.). It breaks my heart to read the comments of these people whom sin has dealt such devastating blows. I can’t help but think that, if the church would behave as the New Testament outlines, much of this could be avoided.
However, even in the midst of all the heartache, Jesus promise His comfort and strength. When nothing makes sense, and no clear path is visible, cling to Jesus…He will not fail.
Yours in Christ,
Robert

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Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Robert, you are exactly right my friend. I just wrote an article and even a letter template that I have actually been dealing with in our church and we can not let sin take root for it spreads like leavening and soils the Bride of Christ, the church, which is to be presented as a chaste, spotless virgin to Christ, the Bridegroom at His return. You are so right. It was hard to discipline but we took the model in Matthew for step one, going to them privately…then step two, with a witness…and then I wrote and sent a registered letter so that they’d have to sign and had legal proof of their being notified (for legal liabilities preventing us from being sued) as the third step and have a simple majority that is all that is necessary to vote to have them disfellowshipped. Most of the church agreed with this method but those who didn’t, I have concerns about.

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KERY August 26, 2013 at 12:37 pm

So where do you go and what do you do when your husband just says, Im in love with this girl and its been for the past year. He is sorry that he hurt me like this but he will never come back and thats it. ???? I know God sees this. How do I get through this without bitterness and am whole? Daily Prayer (check). Reading the word (check). Praising and thanking God (check). Is there something in my life that I am doing wrong? How can I overcome this?

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Jack Wellman August 26, 2013 at 6:24 pm

Kerry… you are already doing all you can. If your husband had continued in this adultery and refused to repent after time and time again, there is nothing you can do. Only God can change a human heart and even a Pagan kings one (Prov 21:1) and so that is all you and I can do is to pray and leave this up to God and trust in Him to work all things out for your ultimate good (Rom 8:28) but he will face the wrath of God someday (Rev 20) and you do not want that on your worst enemy.

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Kery August 26, 2013 at 6:29 pm

I have Ben reading in Job for the past few days n the one year bible and I just forwarded to when God responds to Job. Job was blessed tremendously. I see that and believe it. I am worried because I don’t want to live outside the will of God. Do I remain single forever? Is my life over? No more children? No more love? I’m so fearful to be outside the will of God. All of these questions keep me awake and in torment.

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Jack Wellman August 26, 2013 at 6:49 pm

I believe that since he is staying in this adulterous affair and there has been no repentance and he is determined to carry on in this way, you are free to divorce, no question about it Kery. Jesus said that except for adultery, divorce is not allowable and so since this adultery has continued, you are free to divorce. That is Jesus’ teaching so I hope this helps, even in a small way.

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Carl August 28, 2013 at 3:11 pm

We need to remember to that to look upon a woman with lust is to commit adultery with her. The way pastors allow young women to dress in worship invites lust and thoughts that are far from the sermon and songs. On the other hand, many wives neglect their appearance and personal hygiene; no man wants to be seen with a woman who has black hairs coming out of her noise and breath smells like a septic tank, no matter how godly she is.

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John September 13, 2013 at 2:12 pm

My wife took the kids and walked out on me 2 and a half weeks ago. Since then I have run the gambit of emotions. I am in a place now spiritually where God is sustaining me daily. I have hope because He is greater than my situation. As much as I have learned about faith, dependence on God, and myself my hope still waivers. Through this time my wife has flipped flopped and is now hardened her heart to the point of no communication with me. Our 2 young children (5 and 2) know something is not right and are asking questions. As much as I am praying through this situation and trying to love her through it, it is very difficult to keep it up. I know that God will carry me through whatever ultimately happens however I fear the day that she decides to make this permanent. I do not want my marriage to end.

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chris September 26, 2013 at 8:18 am

I committed adultery on my wife about a year ago. about 2 days ago she found out and I told the truth. she has put me out the house and she is alone I have repented to god and begged for forgivness and begged for him to take her pain away that I caused her. how can I comfort her and not make things worse and what do we need to do to save our marriage of 2 years..

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Jack Wellman September 26, 2013 at 8:47 am

Hello Chris. I am so very sorry sir for such heartache and grief. Not one of us is without sin and so you must forgive yourself even if your wife does not for a while. God does forgive us of all of our sins and then cleanses us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). God can soften your wife’s heart to receive you back so let us join together and pray for this to happen and in praying in Jesus’ name, we pray to have this prayer answered so that His name is glorified, and all you can do now is to pray and fast and stay in the Word and on your knees. I am with you in this Chris.

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chris September 26, 2013 at 9:22 am

Thank you sir I pray that he will soften her heart to take me back I love her so much don’t know what I was thinking. I also pray for god to strengthen my heart to be more is his will and grace and not to ever make mistake again and to be a better Christian.

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KERY September 26, 2013 at 9:09 am

Jack, my situation has gotten incredibly worse. The 22 year old girl is now pregnant and my husband is happy about it. I need to release him from my heart and my mind. He hates me as I told people the truth about his cheating. How do I let go of him from my mind. This is so hurtful it is consuming me.

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Jack Wellman September 26, 2013 at 9:17 am

Kery, what a tragedy for you and your husband. I see that he has a heart of stone and even though he hates you for speaking the truth, the truth must be told. It is so hard to release all of this but you are only human just like all of us and so we must depend on He Who is both God and Man and understands what you feel. I will continue to pray for you to endure such heartache. I can only say that you are staying faithful to God and you will receive the crown of life someday…but your husband will face the terrible wrath of God someday and that will be indescribable (Rev 20:11-15).

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KSR October 30, 2013 at 1:02 pm

I have been touched by so many of the comments and stories left here. I wanted to share my story, too. I am ashamed to admit that I’ve been a nagging, selfish wife for the last three years of our five year marriage. During this time, I rationalized my behavior by laying blame on outside stress from a demanding and demeaning boss, from a job from which I would later be laid off. I would come home and take it out on my loving husband who put up with the nasty snappy attitude I had developed. Once I got laid off, I became angrier, bitter, and finally succumbed to a depression. My husband had enough and about two months ago, he said he thought we would be better off if we got divorced because we were hurting each other too much. At that moment, I knew I had hit rock bottom. Here was a man that I had been praying for my entire life. A man that I knew was a gift from God, an answer to long wished for prayers. I was so ashamed that not only had I hurt this wonderful man, I had basically trampled on my own gift from God for three years. I dropped to my knees and confessed my sins to God. I knew we were at the point of no return. A friend of mine urged me to watch a movie called “Fireproof” and she also urged me to do something called the “Love Dare”. I do not want to trivialize this by saying that these two things have saved my marriage. Not at all. As I am writing this, my husband has not been home in over a month. He was done, done, done with me. But God the Father, has changed my heart. I have prayed on my knees. I have cried myself to sleep hoping and praying that I could get a second chance with my husband. I have seen the selfish person I became that drove him away. I saw how in my anger, I would direct my rage to him which was so unfair to him. I have realized that I have not been a Godly wife to my husband. I failed in being a Proverbs 31 woman. I convict myself daily and even though I know I’ve been forgiven by God, I have yet to forgive myself. I hope my husband can forgive me and give me and our marriage another chance. I must say I agree that falling in or out of love is a falsehood. Love is an active choice. In doing the Love Dare, I realized that I really did not know how to love. Love comes from God and when I turn to God for everything is when my own attitude changed. I am far from perfect and I struggle every single day. I am actively choosing to love my husband despite him not being home in over 30 days. Please pray that God soften his heart towards me. Please pray that He turn my husband’s heart back towards our marriage. Thank you.

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Jack Wellman October 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Hello KSR. What a heartbreaking comment. Please know that there is always hope in Christ. God can change a pagan king’s heart to do His will (Prov 21:1) and made a Saul (means “destroyer”) into a Paul (means “little”) and so know that I will pray and do also ask others to pray for just what you asked for and we know this is God’s will to save a marriage. Fireproof is an excellent movie indeed. Perhaps you can send a link to the movie or ask him (your husband) if he would want to watch it. If not, don’t give up…I will be on my face, hands, and knees for you and I will pray that God softens this man’s heart to be restored and returned to you and to desire the wife of his and that God the Holy Spirit convicts him to come back and to repent (if he is not already saved) and turn his stony heart to one of flesh and that he again desires you and you just keep praying, perhaps even fast for a day, and I will and I pray others will join with us. Praying in Jesus’ name so that His name is glorified.

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KSR October 31, 2013 at 6:41 am

Thank you, Pastor Jack. Here’s a link to Fireproof for anyone who is interested. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JGt0OatvYk
Your words bring me some measure of comfort. I know I have failed in being a Godly wife. My husband wants to know what has changed in me and I think he finds it hard to believe that I’ve made such a change in such a short time. It’s hard to explain to him that for too long I followed my heart instead of leading my heart to change. I do not want to preach to him about the scriptures I’ve committed to heart, nor do I want to appear “holier than thou” or appear to be clinging to my faith in an effort to lure him back to me. That is not the case. I was saved eight years ago, I committed my life to the Lord but as I said in my earlier post, I let my job and career lead my heart in more ways than one. I think all this is has happened as a reminder that God tries to draw us near and we are the ones that pull away from Him. I want to show him the change I have made but I wonder if it’s too late? I have learned much these last two months about forgiveness and I know that I have had an unforgiving heart. How could I deny anyone forgiveness when our Lord Jesus so readily gave it to us?

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Jack Wellman October 31, 2013 at 9:23 am

Thank you KSR. I believe that this movie, Fireproof, should be required viewing for all engaged couples and even for those who are married. I know personally of a couple who had their marriage salvaged by this. Please know friend that I am and have been and will continue to pray for you and God to work in your husbands heart. God is near the broken and I see that you already understand that it will take time to make a difference to your husband but don’t give up. I am not and I see you are still perservering my friend. May God continue to uphold you in this time.

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Brian November 14, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Here’s my story and my fear. (By the way I hope its alright for a male to post here, I see the posts are mostly from females.)

I got married in 2000 to a woman that I met at church. We did not live together before getting married. We dated 2 years before getting married. Not long after we got married I started finding out that she was lying and hiding stuff, including being with other men. I did what I could to maintain the marriage, and stay married to her. My decision was to love her. Love is a decision, and I did all that I could to please God in the marriage. My wife also made several professions of faith in Christ, and love for me. She apologized profusely about her actions.

Well, by mid 2005 I discovered that she was hiding more things, including being with other men. She then told me that she wanted a divorce. Again I did everything I possibly could to restore the marriage, but to no avail. She left me for an ex-boyfriend. She filed for divorce, then had 2 kids, out of wedlock, with her ex-boyfriend. She is still with him today, in another state. And I believe she is still not married to him. She uses her “single mother” status to get welfare, and government college grants for “single mothers”.

Not long after my divorce in 2005, I met a woman who showed me what real love is. We were just friends during the divorce procedures. But I knew that she was attracted to me, and that we would probably date after my divorce.

After my divorce, we started dating. I knew that she was marriage minded, but I was being very cautious. I did not want to rush anything, and I knew that anything worth doing is worth doing right. We continued to date, and over time I feel deeply in love with her. She was my main source of encouragement through my divorce. She was deeply in love with me. She told me that the first thing that caused her to fall in live with me, was how I talked about my ex-wife despite all the terrible things she did, and how I tried with everything in me to restore the marriage. She told me that my DEMONSTRATED love for my ex-wife is what first caused her to fall in love with me.

I asked God if he wanted me to marry my then girlfriend about 3 years after we started dating. I felt God telling me that it was OK. I again pleaded with God to let me know if he did not want me to work towards marriage. She professed and showed, for many years, that God was her #1 priority and that divorce would NEVER be an option. Again I begged God to let me know, in no uncertain terms, if marrying her was not his will. I told God that unless he did this I was moving towards marriage.

We got married in 2009. And in the summer of 2013, she told me she wanted a divorce. Again I did everything I could to restore the marriage. Christian counseling, praying, fasting, you name it. A month later I found out that my wife, who left me and moved in with her adult daughter, has been sleeping with an ex-boyfriend of hers.

Devastation can not even begin to describe what I am going through. I told my wife that I will forgive everything, EVERYTHING she has done (there are a lot of other nasty things she’s doing also), and work towards reconciliation if she would completely give up her ex-boyfriend. She agreed to do this, but then she changed her mind.

We are currently in the process of divorce, though it is not final.

Here is my fear: I am a Christian man, and my # 1 priority is to live a life pleasing to God, and for my life to be a witness for him. I am afraid that with 2 divorces before the age of 40, my witness for Christ is completely shot.

I am also very afraid that no Christian woman would ever want to be with a “Christian” man, who has been divorced twice. I fear that I will be alone for a very, very long time. I can not tell you how lonely I am now.

It has been a long time since I’ve had a woman touch me. I am a very sexual man (all within marriage of course), and I am starving for physical intimacy! Meanwhile I see that my ex-wife has returned to an ex-boyfriend, and had 2 kids by him. She received the life long blessings of having children. She will have life long blessings as the result of her sin. She had as much sex as she wanted to.

The same for my current wife. She conceived her adult daughter out of wedlock, many years ago before she was saved. She is also reaping the blessing of having a child out of wedlock. I have no children. I have NOTHING! My current wife is having as much sex as she wants with her boyfriend. And, I HAVE NOTHING

I would like some honest opinion from some of you ladies. Do you think that there are any decent Christian women who would, #1 not hold my divorces against me?

And # 2 who would actually fulfill there promises of “until death do us part” unlike my ex-wife and my current wife?

I am very afraid. I was very afraid of this after my first divorce, and I am 10 times as afraid of this now, after my 2nd divorce.

I dont want to be alone, but I dont want to be going through divorce #7 by the timme I’m 90.

Thank you for your responses.

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Jack Wellman November 15, 2013 at 10:23 am

Brian…I am not the author of this article and don’t know if he will mind if I say something here or if he will respond or not but let me say that I fear for these women who are not soundly saved for they don’t show any evidence of being born again (1 John chapter 3). There are women in the Body of Christ, the church, who are godly who will not betray you like these other women have. There are such women out there. Do you know any women in your church? There are women who probably have been thru what you have been thru and those women who will not judge you for something that is not your fault. I am so sorry for such heartache. These women will face the wrath of God someday (Rev 20:11-15) but Christ will say to you “Well done thou good and faithful servant.”

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Cheryl higgins November 15, 2013 at 2:18 pm

I agree with Jack.You need real discernment for your future and to ensure any future girlfriend or wife’s heart is truly committed to the Lord. I would also encourage you to look within yourself and to ask if there was any reasons which you could have contributed to the breakdown of your marriages. Im not suggesting there is but we’re not perfect and i know i havent always responded with grace to my husband. I would also encourage you to find completeness and love in god not in a woman. I understand how lonely you feel and how desperately sad you feel but you need to know gods love and healing before you move on. Im just at the tail end of a divorce from a man who is a christian and was violent towards me and has mental health type issues which weren’t evident when we married so i do understand loneliness within a marriage and outside of marriage. Give yourself time and healing and have some good friends around you and get out socially if you can to take your mind off pursuing for a woman right away. If god wants you to have another wife it will happen. If you try to force it, it may end up with another disappointment again and more hurt. Only jesus can fill your deepest longing, even your desire for intimacy. Don’t be tempted to seek intimacy outside of marriage, it will only lead to more hurt. If you are looking for a woman to fulfil your needs perhaps you need to reconsider what marriage is about. A friend married an American who had been married twice and then became a christian. He was a changed man and they are very happy together. God bless you.

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Brian November 15, 2013 at 10:31 pm

I don’t know what else I could have done, especially with my current wife, to be more discerning.

I waited many years while she proved her love of God, by her actions. By her fruit. It wasn’t until 7 – 8 years into our relationship that she turned away from God, and turned away from me. Same with my first wife.

In fact I felt God telling me that my wife’s love was a blessing, or reward if your will, for being so patient and long suffering with my first wife.

I definitely have my faults which have contributed towards conflict in both marriages, but no more fault than is common for a normal Christian man. What I did not do though is give up on either marriage. Both wives got tired of normal conflict in the marriages and then they gave up. They both said that they needed to make themselves “happy”, and then the both abandoned me then started having sex with ex-lovers.

One of the things that my current wife could not stand was me trying to set boundaries when it came to our relationships with the opposite sex. She said I was insecure (I call it setting boundaries) and that I had absolutely no reason to try and set the boundaries I did, then she started having sex with an exBoyfriend.

Yeah, looks like I was “insecure” for no reason!

I am trying to find completeness in Gods love, but there are certain desires God gives us that can only be filled by other humans. Trust me I have prayed, begged, and pleased with God to either take away my emotional and sexual desires for a woman, or to fulfill these desires. It’s been a very long time and these desires are not being taken away, nor are they being fulfilled.

God stated it is not good that man should be alone. God could have had Adam, and all men for that matter, have 100% fulfillment in all areas in God alone. But he did not. Instead God gave us the desire for romantic relationships, in a way that God will not fulfill without a woman.

Please God correct me if I’m wrong, and please take away these desires, this extreme loneliness, …… or please fulfill them!

I understand needing time to heal, I just hate having to go through this twice, and having to be abstinent for a third time!!!! And I doubt any decent Christian woman, one who believes and will actually live by the notion that divorce is not an option, would be willing to date/marry somebody that has been divorced twice.

If I knew there was some woman who could look past this and find me worth pursuing, and if the attraction was there for both of us, then I could wait patiently. But to find a Christian woman willing to look past 2 divorces (my fault or not), and one who is attractive to me and attracted to me, that is a combination that is very hard to come by. Then I gotta worry about her leaving too in 7-10 years, despite her convictions now.

Plus with 2 divorces. How can I ever again be a witness for Christ? Who in their right might is going to believe me when I start talking about walking the narrow road, obeying the word of God, or the sanctity of marriage?

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Jack Wellman November 16, 2013 at 10:31 am

Brian, whether someone you meet becomes your wife despite all your history or not, I know that God will never give up on us and His love never fails. I think that if you make Him your first love and put Him first, then all other things will work out for the best in time. How can you ever be a witness for Christ again? How about Paul who was a murderer, as was David, and an adulterer, and Moses too, and in fact the Bible is full of remarkable stories of people beating the odds by God’s sovereignty. One way to get our minds off of ourselves is to serve others….I started a nursing home ministry and these people are very, very lonely. Only 1 in 10 have regular family visits and a full 60% never have anyone ever visit them. I also suggest you ask the pastor about his outreach or visitation program about going door to door. Who among us is really worthy to be a witness for Christ? Not one! Even so God uses the least of this world to confound the mighty. Stay the course, I feel others are praying for you, seek the Kingdom first (Matt 6:33) and then trust in Him and for His timing (Psalm 37).

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Cheryl higgins November 16, 2013 at 12:30 am

Dear brian. I really feel for you. Dont give up though or lose hope. Like i said my friend married a man who had been married twice before as he became a christian after his second marriage.
Sounds like you just need to keep busy to take your mind off things. Of course we all have desires and we have to continue to take these to the lord constantly. I think due to the fact my husband was unable to be a true partner to me i decided that i shouldnt expect a man to fulfil my needs. That way i wouldnt be disappointed or hurt. Divorce is very painful and it takes time. People are less judgmental than they used to be about duvorces. If it is the right thing hopefully they right person will see beyond whats happened. Do you have christian friends you can pray with about these things and pray that you will keep string and not fall into temptation and sin? I feel that could be important for you. I too thought about the witness me pursuing divorce would be but for me people understand i cannot stay in a marriage where i am being abused and he has had lots of chances to change in the past and hasnt. He is unable to recognise what hes done and even says what have i done?! So, i came to understand through my minister it was okay to divorce but it had to be my decision. In your case, on both occasions it was your wives who left and had affairs so it isnt your fault in terms of pursuing divorce. Im surprised it hasnt put you off women completely! For me i have two older children so ive got other responsibilities to focus on until they leave home. Try to focus on other things and your relationship with gid, seek him first, then things will fall into place for you. I pray you will know gods peace and presence more than ever flooding your heart, soul and mind. God bless

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Cheryl higgins November 16, 2013 at 12:37 am

Dear brian. I really feel for you. Dont give up though or lose hope. It sounds to me if they had ‘ex lovers’
Like they werent really christians. Sex is for inside marriage only. That would ring alarm bells for me straight away. If they became christians after these relationships then theres not much more you could have done. Like i said my friend married a man who had been married twice before as he became a christian after his second marriage.
Sounds like you just need to keep busy to take your mind off things. Of course we all have desires and we have to continue to take these to the lord constantly. I think due to the fact my husband was unable to be a true partner to me i decided that i shouldnt expect a man to fulfil my needs. That way i wouldnt be disappointed or hurt. Divorce is very painful and it takes time. People are less judgmental than they used to be about duvorces. If it is the right thing hopefully they right person will see beyond whats happened. Do you have christian friends you can pray with about these things and pray that you will keep string and not fall into temptation and sin? I feel that could be important for you. I too thought about the witness me pursuing divorce would be but for me people understand i cannot stay in a marriage where i am being abused and with a very controlling husband, and he has had lots of chances to change in the past and hasnt. He is unable to recognise what hes done and even says what have i done?! So, i came to understand through my minister it was okay to divorce but it had to be my decision. In your case, on both occasions it was your wives who left and had affairs so it isnt your fault in terms of pursuing divorce. Im surprised it hasnt put you off women completely! For me i have two older children so ive got other responsibilities to focus on until they leave home. Try to focus on other things and your relationship with gid, seek him first, then things will fall into place for you. I pray you will know gods peace and presence more than ever flooding your heart, soul and mind. God bless

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Brian November 16, 2013 at 4:23 pm

Thank you both for your encouragement. I do have a few Christian friends that are praying for me. And, I am seeking first the kingdom of God. I’ve been seeking him first for many decades. “All these things” have not been added unto me. Either that or Gods gifts to me in “all these things”‘ have repeatedly fallen apart right before my eyes.

I have demonstrated putting Christ first, and after numerous decades the results have been more and more abandonment. Every single minute of my life is empty and heart breaking. And I know I have 50 more years or so of this left, until I die a lonely old man.

Everyday is a mountain for me to climb. I just dont see the good that is supposed to come from this. This suffering is pointless. My wife is getting all the companionship, and sex, she wants. And I am continually crushed by loneliness, rejection, and unfulfilled physical/sexual/emotional needs. I’d rather die than live like this one more day. Yet not my will but Yours be done.

I am trying to serve others the best that I can, and I will continue to do so. Please continue to pray for me. Please pray that God restore my marriage, some way some how, or that God helps me to let go of my wife.

I want to let go, I want to not care anymore. But everyday my wife is away, the pain in my heart multiplies.

Please pray that God either take away my sexual desires, or fulfill them. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve been able to touch a woman.

God my very well say to me “well done faithful servant” on judgement day. But that is way too far in the future to make a difference in my everyday suffering, now. I’m sure my rewards will be awesome, but honestly I won’t need rewards in the life to come.

Now, when I constantly suffer in this life, is when I need the rewards, blessings, help, and presence of God in a tangible way. Not after God wipes away every tear from my eye. When he wipes away every tear, the rewards are not needed. If there were no rewards then, there would still be no more tears.

I guess I’m having a hard time believing that all this suffering could ever be compensated for, much less overcompensated for. For example, my wife who is a Christian (although currently backslidden) will also have God wipe all the tears from her eyes. She will be supremely happy and fulfilled in the life to come, because she is a child of God and has salvation. Yet unlike me, she is getting all the pleasure and companionship she wants now also! She is getting the best of both worlds.

While I am waiting on God. I am waiting. And waiting, and waiting. And as the decades crawl by, there is no relief in sight for me. Yet I continue to wait. Lonely, heartbroken, suffering, longing…….. I continue to wait.

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Cheryl higgins November 16, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Gosh, what to say? You are a truly broken man. It sounds like you could do with some counselling to cope with all these things and a regular prayer partner. God will be the judge of every heart, christian or not, or backslidden christian. Sin will be accounted for. You sound still very angry (understandably) however ongoing anger isnt going to be helpful to you and it needs addressing before you take all the past baggage into other relationships or restore your marriage. Also going down the route your wife has taken will only lead to further hurt and unhappiness. Whilst she might seem to be enjoying herself now, only time will tell if her actions will also lead to her own unhappiness and hurt. Try to move on as staying in the pit of despair is not going to help you. You need to try to pick yourself up and get involved in some useful activities to take your mind off your circumstances. I could easily become overwhelmed by my circumstances but ive chosen to lift up my head and keep my eyes fixed on jesus, my all in all, trust him to work it out for some good even if it doesnt feel like it. I too in my life have known unhappiness and still things get worse and it is a choice to forgive, a choice to worship, a choice to trusy God. I hope i dont sound preachy, but i am writing out of a place of hurt and a place of feeling low. As ive prayed for you i felt god give me john 14:27 for you. We are not victims but pvercomers. We should not ever lose hope. I pray you will feel gods help and presence in this really tough time. As you turn your eyes on him he will turn your darkness into light. I also have a sense you try to justify everything. Everything ive written , everything people say and this is not always a good thing. I dont mean that at all unkindly as i also see that trait in myself. I just think there is something about why you feel the need to justify things? Maybe it is baggage from your marriages. That’s why counselling might be useful. I do hope and pray you find a deep sense of release from this deep heartache and immeasurable pain you feel. God bless.

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Brian November 16, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Thank you for your response. I am seeing a Christian psychologist and marital counselor. And I will agree I am in no condition to have another romantic relationship anytime soon.

As far as justifying things, I guess you are right. But I want to be the best example to the unsaved, or even to the saved, that I can be. I want to be the best witness for Christ, and living a Godly life that I can be. And I don’t want 2 divorces to be a part of that witness.

Thank you for praying for me and please continue to do so. As I am losing hope. Not by choice though.

I choose to love, I choose to forgive, I choose to hope, I choose to live another day.

Yet I am constantly crushed! I try not to worry about my future, but I am failing at that. I don’t want anymore divorces. I don’t want a third divorce. I don’t even want this second one. I never wanted the first one. I have no hope for my future romantic relationships. My hope is gone.

I choose to forgive my current wife, and she knows this. Yet she refuses to turn away from the road she’s walking.

Please continue to pray for me.

“How long oh Lord……?”

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Cheryl higgins November 28, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Just wanted to say i hope that with the counselling you are receiving and your faith you will be an overcomer in what seems an awful mess. Think of Job and Joseph in the bible and how he turned their situations round for his good even though they couldnt see it. We have to have hope and not give up. Please listen to the song stronger by Mandisa on you tube (a christian song)It has meant a lot to me going through the pain of domestic violence and divorce process. Also bruno mars today my life begins.(not a christian song but very meaningful) may you be able to release your past, try not to live with past regrets and live life abundantly. God bless

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Janet November 26, 2013 at 9:32 am

My husband of 20 years has said he wants a divorce. I’m 52 and he’s 59 and now, after years of indifference and outright opposition on the subject, he has decided that he wants a child. I can’t give him that.

I don’t want the divorce, but he has told a lot of people that he is going to do this and he is just waiting for the right time to hire and lawyer and file.

I am praying that he will hear the Lord and repent, but I’m not holding my breath. My pastor feels that my husband is not truly a believer.

I don’t know what to do — pray, of course, and stay close to the Lord, but I’m hurting and confused. I won’t sign papers or help him. I would appreciate prayer for guidance and wisdom and to live the life the Lord wants me to leave. Thanks.

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Jack Wellman November 26, 2013 at 7:16 pm

I don’t think the writer is active on this article anymore so please allow me to say that I am so very sorry Janet. I believe your pastor may be right. I too will pray that he repents of this divorce and that he trusts in Christ. I would refuse sign the papers too. I would suggest even fasting, asking friends to fast at least a few meals (1 or 2 at least), have a prayer-chain and even make it an “unspoken needs” from your friends and to the church in general. If he is divorcing you just for your not being able to have a child, tell him that there are many young children, even babies, that can be adopted. I am a bi-vocational pastor and work for a foster care agency. Ask him what he thinks of that.

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Janet November 26, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Sadly, I did ask that. I would love to be a foster mom — there are so many little ones out there who need love. But he wants _his_ child. He’s very “family proud”, I’d guess you’d say, and his sister had no children and as of now, neither does he.

Thank you for the prayer and fasting input. But to give you some idea of where I stand in his life, he had some car problems that were taken care of. He called me to tell me that I had to find my own way home — and never called back after the car was fixed to ask me if I had a ride. I’m still at work, after 10:00 p.m. EST and will probably wind up sleeping here. :S

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Jack Wellman November 26, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Oh Janet…this one made me cry. I just broke down and wept for you…I know, not much help but I see you have already done what I suggested. What a world and what a lost man your husband is. There is zero evidence to me that he is saved (read 1 John chapter 3) and that he will face the wrath of God someday so terrible I can’t even imagine it (Rev 20:11-15) but the only solace for you…and I know its not much, is Matthew 25:21 is what you will hear but he will hear Matt 7:21-23. I will keep on my face before the throne for you Janet. I feel helpless otherwise. Oh what heartache we must endure here but a joyous day for you is coming and your situation makes me cry aloud all the more….even so Lord, come quickly!

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Eva December 3, 2013 at 8:34 am

I am sooooo confused at this time. I have been a Christian since I was 11, however, I turned away from my relationship with God for quite a few years in my teens and twenties…. During that time I met my husband, who was legally married to his first wife, although they hadn’t lived together for five years when he and I met. (She was also pregnant with her boyfriend’s child.) They divorced about seven months after we started dating. We married about a year and half later. My spouse had (and still has) an issue with alcohol, lying and extreme anger. I actually called off the wedding the week before we were to wed, but ended up going through with it because he PROMISED he would change. (Not the first time, nor was it the last.) Needless to say, it didn’t change. Oh, well it did for a short time, and then got worse again, then change again for the better, the the worse for all 10 years. We began to have children three years into our marriage, three children in the course of four years. We had discussed it and planned all three of them. As my responsibilities of full-time work and motherhood and wifedom increased, he spent more and more time pursuing HIS interests, visiting with friends, going to the store, staying in the basement with his toys, sitting outside by the fire with friends and neighbors -drinking A LOT of alcohol. Also, during this time, many of the financial responsibilities fell on me, to the point that I made many payments for the family all on my own. This is not because he didn’t have a job, but because he “needed” his money for his things. He said he would pay me back. Also, during this time he was very belligerent with me, one time coming forehead to forehead with me, screaming that I make him want to go out in the woods and kill something. (Because I asked him to stay home instead of hunting, so he could watch our oldest child, as I had had a bout of morning sickness being pregnant with our second. THAT was not in is plan.) Another instance was that he very forcefully spanked our oldest (who was 9 mos old at the time) during a church service because she was walking on a kneeler and had not listened to his redirection. Another sobering moment is having to clean up salsa that he spilled all over our stairway in the middle of the night because he was intoxicated and trying to open a safety gate with hands that were gripping the salsa, an open beer and a bag of chips. Cleaning it wasn’t the worst part, it was the fact that he stood there while I cleaned, 8 mos pregnant with our youngest, and screamed foul names at me. He has twice told me that he was going to cheat on me, once when I was 8 weeks postpartum with the youngest and the next time a year later on my birthday. (Both times he said he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to hurt me.) We have not lived in the same house for over two years, as I asked him to leave due to the incessant fighting. ( I also was the one who could afford to pay for the home and all the children’s needs, therefore, asking him to leave made the most sense to me.) This past Mother’s Day I found out, by the grace of God, that he was calling a woman, very regularly, using a cell phone that I provided for him,so that our children could get ahold of him. He never seemed to answer the phone when they called, nor did he return their calls when they were able to leave a voice mail…. However, I have three weeks worth of calls back and forth to her without an issue. At that pointing told him it was the last straw and I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted a divorce. He said that he would go to Celebrate Recovery meetings at our church and change himself. This has been going on for over 6 months and he wants to resolve our issues and get back together. I don’t have the same feelings. He has made some changes, but I still see a lot of smaller fits of anger when he doesn’t get his way. He also uses the children as pawns, telling them things like, I can’t live with you anymore because your mommy doesn’t love me. I can’t visit you because mommy won’t let me….. I just don’t trust that his change is long-term. I also think that he had an affair with, at least, that woman, even though he declares he was only visiting with her to talk about me. (He met her at a laundromat, she does not know me, had just met him and is not a believer.) I don’t feel comfortable being around him, and this may sound bad, but he makes me feel nauseous when he tries to hug me… as I feel like he has touched another. I feel that I have forgiven. I do not limit our lives because of retaliation, I do set limits for my self-preservation, as I have had numerous problems due to stress. (Weight loss, physical ailments, etc) I need to maintain my health, so that I can go to work, as I am the sole provider for our children. (Which is by my choice, as I watched my babies little faces in shock and horror as their Daddy told them that he has no life because all he does is go to work to give Mommy all his money and all he can do is come to visit them every night. He gave me about 25% of what he brought home, on weeks he felt he could afford it, and all of the money that he had paid was applied to what he had owed when he lived there. I had also not charged him for anything, including the needs of the children, from the moment he left.) I know that our income should have been combined, but he wanted his money and everything was put in my name because his credit was so bad. I have spent 12 years taking care of him like a mother, and I just can’t do it…. It has also come to the point that he owes child support on his 20 year old, pregnant daughter and I may become financially responsible for the fact that he is in the arrears, as well on a student loan he has had for a two year college since 1987!!!!! Do I have to stay in this marriage? I fear that if I do, it may become the end of me either physically or financially…..

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Jack Wellman December 3, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Hello Eva. I don’t know if the author is able to respond so please allow me, if I may.

You wrote, “He said that he would go to Celebrate Recovery meetings at our church and change himself. This has been going on for over 6 months and he wants to resolve our issues and get back together. I don’t have the same feelings.”

This is good isn’t it? That he’s willing to go to church and change himself? This takes time but you said you don’t have the same feelings. Do you think when Christ came to earth to die for us that He leaned upon His feelings? Do you think he felt like dying on the cross for sins that He never committed? That He would be separated from the Father for the first time in all eternity and in all history? No, he didn’t depend on feelings because love is not about feelings but about giving of yourself and sacrificing what you shouldn’t. God gave us grace when we didn’t deserve it or never earned it. Do you think God the Father depended on feelings to send His only Son to die for us while we were still enemies of His?

Then you wrote, “I also think that he had an affair with, at least, that woman, even though he declares he was only visiting with her to talk about me.” If you only “think” this happened then you are not sure. This is not biblical grounds for divorce which is when a spouse willfully, willingly commits ongoing adultery with no remorse or wanting to repent. Not for a one or two time event.

Finally, you wrote “I don’t feel comfortable being around him, and this may sound bad, but he makes me feel nauseous when he tries to hug me… as I feel like he has touched another. I feel that I have forgiven.” You say you have forgiven him but you say you feel nauseous when he tries to hug you. You don’t “feel” comfortable being around him? Do you think Jesus felt comfortable dying an agonizing death for us who were guilty by Him who was innocent? If He only used His feelings to guide His decisions then He would never had went to the cross. He gave us what we don’t deserve so you must do the same for your husband.

It doesn’t sound like he’s saved so pray that God the Holy Spirit will change his heart, that he would repent, and trust in Christ and THEN he will have the ability to change.

Nowhere in the Bible is there a reason for you to divorce him and if you do, and fail to pray for him and love him, even if you don’t “feel” like it, then you are sinning. Yes, you do have to stay in the marriage unless he is physically abusing you or continuing to have adulterous affairs and not repenting, and since he is willing to get help, isn’t that good?

I will pray for you and for him and I know this response upsets you but don’t give up on this marriage just because of your “feelings.” Please.

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Cheryl higgins December 3, 2013 at 5:46 pm

Dear Eva,
Thankyou for being so transparent about your situation. You have had a rough time. I really feel for you. I think there is more to it than just ignoring your feelings.there are some very worrying and real concerning issues that i feel other repliers are ignoring.
1. The abuse of alcohol
2. The harsh spanking of a 9month yr old for not obeying orders
3. The anger and potential to become physical with it
4. Emotional abuse is just as harmful ad physical abuse only you cannot see internal emotional bruising
5. Your husbands interactions with other woman rings alarm bells
6. His neglect of his responsibility to the family

Although i am not an advocate of divorce and i think these issues should be addressed with proper counselling and accountability, neglect is a form of abuse so if there is no repentance or change in behaviour there is a case for divorce. Also, in my opinion the harsh spanking of a 9month old baby definately is abuse.
Im not sure the programme at church will be enough, he first needs help with his alcohol addiction and his anger problem and he needs help to recognise where his responsibilities lie. He needs jesus to transform his life
And your marriage. Whatever you do, please dont put up with abuse as your children will learn from your husband and it will affect them. I left it till mine were teenagers and wish i’d had the courage to leave earlier. My husband was physically abusive though, but emotional is just as bad. If your husband is willing to give up the alcohol, get help with his anger and marriage then it’s only right you stay and overcome your feelings and receive healing for the past. If there is no sign of change then you need to consider that he has broken the marriage covenant by his neglect of you by the abuse and make steps to separate. I pray he will change. Mine kept saying it would never happen again but it did, however there are husbands who do change. I think only an encounter with jesus will help save your marriage. God bless and keep strong. Jesus is your rock and high tower in times of trouble.

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Eva December 5, 2013 at 9:45 am

Thank you so much Cheryl for acknowledging that the type of abuse I deal with is ACTUAL ABUSE.
I have said that my “husband” has gone to meetings at church. The reason he went to Celebrate Recovery in the first place is that he was angered that I stopped paying for the cell phone that he was using to keep in touch with the woman he met in the laundromat. He said it wasn’t fair because I took away the ONLY person he could talk to about me and our marriage….. I pointed out that he could go talk to any of the three pastors at our church or, seeing as he has a problem with lying, drinking and anger (at least) that maybe going to the Celebrate Recovery meetings was an option. He has said multiple times, since attending the meetings that they are not fun, that he is “sick of jumping through hoops” (going to the meetings) for me, and also that if I don’t take him back and take care of him that he went to the meetings for nothing. To me it does not seem as if he is going to the meetings to change himself for the better and grow in his relationship with Christ. To me it seems (as he has done in the past) he is checking off a box on a list to say, I did that, I went to classes about change and now take me back the way I am.
Just two days ago he also declared that I tell him all the time that I am better than him (I would not do that, it is not who I am). So, I asked for an example, he said that I told him he had to go to Celebrate Recovery because he needed to be a better person like me…. I swear I did not say any of this. He tends to place auras on people himself and then declares that the person said these things…. Another example is when he tells me that I say that I am perfect. Yet again, I am the first person to admit to all my failings….. I ask him for examples and he tells me, well when you get your grocery list all written out and planned to the penny, then go to the store and do only what is written down…. Ummmmm, I do plan and only buy what is on the list- but I do it because I have a very limited budget.
Also, I can say that he has changed, but it is that he still does the same things, abusive ways of treating others, but he just doesn’t shout and scream as much. He manipulates… telling the children things like, “I am going to divorce your mother because I need to find a good woman who will take care of me.”
He will do these things one day and storm out of the house. Next time we see him, he acts like it all never happened. When asked what the change was- he acts like it never happened.
I have worked with individuals with serious mental health issues for 17+ years and whenever I talk with counselors about my/our problems, most people ask if he is bi-polar. I have thought that there is a mental instability- but he says that I am the one who is “f***in* crazy” and then proceeds to use his anger to make others miserable.
I fear for the overall well-being of my kids and myself.
I mean what kind of person would “joke” that he would never do anything to “harm the kids, but the one next door (meaning me), well that;s a different story!” He said this to my mom the one day he pulled into her driveway a bit fast and she asked him to be more careful.
I love my Lord and I desire to follow Him down the narrow path. I just don’t think the God would force me down a narrow path lined with landmines…..

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Jack Wellman December 3, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Hello again Eva. There are people praying for you and as you can see, that care for you like Julie and Cheryl. As I said before, when things look humanly impossible and the odds are insurmountable, God is the God of the impossible and improbable and that is how He is glorified for when we can do nothing more of ourselves, God can do what we cannot do. Eva, trust in Him, pray to Him, love your husband, fast for this occasion, and leave all the consequences to God.

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Eva December 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

Thank you so much Cheryl for acknowledging that the type of abuse I deal with is ACTUAL ABUSE.
I have said that my “husband” has gone to meetings at church. The reason he went to Celebrate Recovery in the first place is that he was angered that I stopped paying for the cell phone that he was using to keep in touch with the woman he met in the laundromat. He said it wasn’t fair because I took away the ONLY person he could talk to about me and our marriage….. I pointed out that he could go talk to any of the three pastors at our church or, seeing as he has a problem with lying, drinking and anger (at least) that maybe going to the Celebrate Recovery meetings was an option. He has said multiple times, since attending the meetings that they are not fun, that he is “sick of jumping through hoops” (going to the meetings) for me, and also that if I don’t take him back and take care of him that he went to the meetings for nothing. To me it does not seem as if he is going to the meetings to change himself for the better and grow in his relationship with Christ. To me it seems (as he has done in the past) he is checking off a box on a list to say, I did that, I went to classes about change and now take me back the way I am.
Just two days ago he also declared that I tell him all the time that I am better than him (I would not do that, it is not who I am). So, I asked for an example, he said that I told him he had to go to Celebrate Recovery because he needed to be a better person like me…. I swear I did not say any of this. He tends to place auras on people himself and then declares that the person said these things…. Another example is when he tells me that I say that I am perfect. Yet again, I am the first person to admit to all my failings….. I ask him for examples and he tells me, well when you get your grocery list all written out and planned to the penny, then go to the store and do only what is written down…. Ummmmm, I do plan and only buy what is on the list- but I do it because I have a very limited budget.
Also, I can say that he has changed, but it is that he still does the same things, abusive ways of treating others, but he just doesn’t shout and scream as much. He manipulates… telling the children things like, “I am going to divorce your mother because I need to find a good woman who will take care of me.”
He will do these things one day and storm out of the house. Next time we see him, he acts like it all never happened. When asked what the change was- he acts like it never happened.
I have worked with individuals with serious mental health issues for 17+ years and whenever I talk with counselors about my/our problems, most people ask if he is bi-polar. I have thought that there is a mental instability- but he says that I am the one who is “f***in* crazy” and then proceeds to use his anger to make others miserable.
I fear for the overall well-being of my kids and myself.
I mean what kind of person would “joke” that he would never do anything to “harm the kids, but the one next door (meaning me), well that;s a different story!” He said this to my mom the one day he pulled into her driveway a bit fast and she asked him to be more careful.
I love my Lord and I desire to follow Him down the narrow path. I just don’t think the God would force me down a narrow path lined with landmines…..

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Cheryl Higgins December 5, 2013 at 10:45 am

Dear Eva,
My husband was diagnosed with bi-polar originally but lately been diagnosed with aspergers. It’s difficult to distinguish but there are some differences. Your husband sounds as if he is very narcissistic. There is a narcissistic disorder too and my husband fits nicely into the symptoms, maybe yours does too. i too have worked with people with autism/aspergers and worked on mental health wards. You might consider if he has aspergers or narcissistic personality disorder. Having said that if he won’t recognise it there’s not a lot you can do other than find strategies to manage this until you work out what your journey is going to be/go.It is so easy to lose yourself in having to constantly give attention and give emotionally all the time. It has to be their way or no way, and everything has to be suited to them and their needs. I finally found the courage to start divorce proceedings against my husband because he was being physically abusive as well as not giving of himself emotionally. He says he is unable to however he can give emotionally to others when he chooses. Regarding the woman he contacts I feel this is a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship as you point out. He obviously feels comfortable with her but that’s not the point. Emotional attachments might lead onto more and it doesn’t bode well for trust in marriage. Unfortunately we all have landmines, some bigger than others. Ive had more than my fair share and now trying to do something about it. I too am a strong Christian and was brought up in a Christian home and would never have considered divorce as an option however after my experience of marriage and the issues and abuse i have faced and the way my children have been affected i said enough is enough. God didn’t force you into the marriage by the way (you probably didn’t mean it like this), it was our own choices however he will walk side by side with you in what ever decisions you make. It does sound as though he just wants someone to take care of his needs and doesn’t even think of yours (which sounds quite aspergers and narcisstic to me). One of my asperger books even says that asperger men look for a woman who can take care of him! Eva, I would take advice from your pastor or a Christian whom you trust or try calling a Christian organisation such as Premier lifeline (uk) or Family focus (us) and ask for advice/help. Have you also read the book Angry men and the women who love them? You can get it from Amazon. Also look at websites such as Jeff Crippens and abuse etc – there is support out there for you. I’m praying for you as i know it’s a very hard road. I am still on that journey but passionate about helping other women in my situation. I hope it has been of some help to you. Avoid conflict as much as possible for the moment so you can reserve your emotional energy for when you need it and take time for yourself to re-charge. God Bless and keep strong Eva and keep trusting God has a plan for you in all of this. x

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Julie December 3, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I just wanted to give some hope guys and girls. I wrote on this post – very top of this page matter of fact .. Last year at this time, I was where many ( most) of you are. Completely lost and only a glimmer of hope that God was giving me. THERE IS HOPE- John and I seperated 6 times in 6 months .. Filed twice. Neither of us Christians ( me moreso than him) but putting 200% faith into God to fix a marriage that in human eyes … Could in no way shape or form be fixed… You need to know if it takes keeping your mouth shut. Your eyes on the Book and your hands folded … Miracles can happen. April 16th we reunited after such a long story I can’t even go into details .. Just know IT IS THE SEASON OF MIRACLES LADIES AND GUYS !!!!!!!

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Kery December 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm

Hi Julie. I don’t know if you remember me commenting some months ago and sharing my story. So I will tell you that things have gotten from bad to worse. The 22 year old girl is now 4 months pregnant with my husbands child. Mind you we were seeing fertility specialist to get pregnant. He hasn’t seen or talked to me for that in many months. He has moved into a new town home. We were looking for one in the beginning of the year because we put tenants in our single family home because of the high mortgage. And he has a new job that has doubled his pay to almost $150k. So, my son asks, mom if dad is doing so wrong, why is God blessing him with everything he has always wanted. And I have no answer because I’m confused as well. My husband says if she didn’t have the baby, he would walk away from her and start fresh the right way with someone else. Not me. He says he would never come back to me bc he knows I would never forgive him as history shows that. He doesn’t understand my forgiveness. I have forgiven him for the many other times he has committed adultery but when I see flags, I don’t let it rest. I investigate and watch. That’s being prudent in my opinion. I need to protect my health and my life. He is so happy with his life and my son and I are miserable and alone. Prayer and trusting is so much harder. Every week, I count and imagine how pregnant she is and how he must be so protective over her. I wanted to have another child so bad after my diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I just wanted to. This is such a deep knife in my heart.

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Cheryl higgins December 4, 2013 at 12:26 am

Dear kery
Im sorry to hear things have got worse.
However from reading your post i feel you really need gods deepest healing too in order to move on after what has happened and reshape your life. God doesnt want your life to be defined by your past no matter how hard it is. I am in the middle of a tough divorce due to physical abuse and a christian husband who accepts no responsibility for his actions so im not speaking out of a perfect and easy life. However i know if i hang on to what could have been and should have been and live with past regrets my life and that of my children will be awful. We need to use these experiences to help others, to learn from them how it has developed our character, how it has deepened our faith and trust in God. Whilst it might seem your husband is being blessed and happy inside he might not be happy at all. Financial gain doesnt bring happiness. God will also be his judge. I know i will be worse off from this divorce and i will struggle financially to support the children but i choose to trust god will provide and god will use this horrible experience for good. Think of joseph in the bible and job and how god turned their situations round for good. Try to take your focus off your situation and allow god and other christians to help you along your journey to healing and wholeness for the sake of yourself and your son. God bless.

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Jack Wellman December 3, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Thank you Julie. that is so encouraging. When things look humanly impossible and the odds are insurmountable, God is the God of the impossible and improbable and that is how He is glorified for when we can do nothing more of ourselves, God can do what we cannot do. Eva, trust in Him, pray to Him, love your husband, fast for this occasion, and leave all the consequences to God.

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Lisa December 5, 2013 at 10:51 am

I have been separated over a year now with no hope of my husband seeking repentance or true remorse. This past year has been more of the same and though I wish not to give up on my marriage, it saddens me to face the reality, as a beloved husband, father and minister has lost his way

I am currently in talks with a very supportive attorney and though I am hesitant to take this step, I pray that how I conduct myself will be pleasing to God.

Thank you for all your advice here.

LDM

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V December 11, 2013 at 6:51 pm

I am so hard heartened at my husband right now. He is so materialistic and puts so much passion I guess you could say into what he can get next. His wants get in the way of everything. I don’t work and I go to school and take care of our two kids he works and provides for us and does a great job at it. But he doesn’t lead his family in the Godly way that he should be. I don’t want a divorce at all I know that we can save it but he turns everything to my fault and makes me feel like I am nothing because I don’t work or help provide. It has made me despise him i don’t want to even be around him sometimes if things don’t go his way it’s always something i did or didn’t do. I don’t want to feel this way I love my husband but wish he would put the passion into his family more than his wants. Please pray for us.

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Jack Wellman December 11, 2013 at 10:04 pm

You can bank on my prayers “V” and I am so sorry for such heartache. It appears that this man may not actually be saved, do you think? Reading Romans 12 and 1 Cor 13 I see none of this in him at all so let’s pray for God the Holy Spirit to convict him, to bring him to repentance, and to confess his sinning life of being a poor husband…and to put his trust in Christ. Let’s try that for a moth and please keep in touch. If there are others that read this, please join “V” and me and pray for this that this man might be saved for God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1) and our prayers will help. Join us.

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V December 12, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Thank you so much for these passages. They were a comfort to me and I will most certainly share them with him. I don’t know his heart and pray he is saved he did tell me he got saved when he was 13 or 14. But I pray his heart is well with God and if not that he will be convicted. Thank you for your prayers and continue to remember us as our marriage strengthens I can feel the prayers surrounding me God is so good and I love Him so much!! So glad we can go to him for anything!! Thank you again so much!!

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Werner Pretorius December 20, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Hi, my ENglish not that good. My wife filed for divorce. I had an affair 8 years ago. I stopped it after three months.I became an atheist 4 years ago. December 2012 I discovered an email on my wifes laptop. She had an affair. We were reconciled three times but each time she went back to this guy. July 2012 GOd came and pick me up out of the ashes in a miraculous way (long story). Since then I am fighting all the way to save my marriage. I have decided to fight a christian approach. I start reading the bible day and night to get that one verse. After months I discovered 1 john 5 vers 14. ‘He who believes in Jesus and asks for the will of God will receive it. I know out of Mark 10 that GOd hates divorce. Even though I was unfaithful and my wife has a affair the one message of the new testament is to forgive and to make things up with your brother ans sister. God forgive us our sins, he must be as forgiving. What I want to say is that I stands on the verse in 1 john 5 verse 14. I see no change in my wife. She wants a divorce come high water. I will believe in God intervention untill the judge says I am divorce. I made a promise to stay through think and thin. Tnats what I am gonna do.please pray for me and my wife. I am struggling with bitterness and strugglingbto forgive. I know I must do it. My wife left the houseb4 months ago. When we are on our low GOd is strong. Werner

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Kery December 20, 2013 at 6:44 pm

Werner, check out joebeam.com. I’m in ur same situation. I’m trusting God for restoration. Will be praying for u

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Werner Pretorius December 21, 2013 at 2:12 pm

Thank you Kery, I appreciate

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Sarah December 22, 2013 at 1:41 am

Hi,
My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We got married March of 2012. I recently took a trip to visit my sick grandmother and spent the holidays with her as well for 2 weeks. I had only been away from my husband less than a week when I received a phone call from him saying, “I’m not happy in our marriage and I want a divorce!” Before I left for my visit I didn’t even know that he was unhappy nor did he show or tell me other wise.
Its strange how strong my intuitions were because after that day I kept having nightmares of him having an affair and just feeling sick to my stomach. Mind you he hadn’t even said a word about an affair yet. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to come home or he would have the divorce papers ready for me. I was told by him that he needed his space..still not knowing that by this time he already had the affair. I asked him if he had cheated plenty of times..and he just denied every time. I had to find out the saddest way imaginable. My husband has betrayed and lied so much it pains me to want to even try to work things out. Especially, because he shows no remorse or any emotion towards his discretion.
There is still so much detail on how I came to find out about his affair. So much that I’m a shamed of who I married. I know that God can restore our marriage. But I also know that by living with this bitterness can effect my health and my walk with Christ. I’ve been a Christian almost all my life. I know that I’m a sinner too and I need to forgive him the way that The Lord has forgiven me. I’m going to continue praying..which I’ll always do. This set back in our marriage hasn’t strayed me away from God which is awesome..and it also hasn’t stopped me from praying. However, staying in this marriage because he has committed adultery doesn’t seem right to fight for anymore. Especially because I’ve done all that I can. Since the day we got married. Maybe I just want someone to just shake my shoulders and tell me to run the other way..that its not worth it since he’d done something so de-valuing! I have forgiven him..but it seems so dirty and gross for me to stay in this. He’s completely broken everything we had together. I can forgive and forget. But is it enough?

Sarah W.

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Jack Wellman December 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm

Thank you Sarah W. for your comment. I do not know what else to say to you other than you must not divorce your husband because divorce is not meant for a one time affair but only for ongoing, unrepentant adultery. I can see you forgiving but forgetting, that is humanly impossible. Is it enough? I believe it is. I would suggest praying for him and even fasting for him for he may not be saved. If he is born again his heart would change dramatically and no heart cannot be changed if it is God’s will (Prov 21:1).

When we were called and saved to be Christ’s disciples, He said the way would be hard and difficult and that we are not promised happiness in this life but rewards and eternal joy in the next. Christ loved us when we were anything but lovable. We were his enemies and great sinners when He died for us. We were enemies of God but God loved us first. He forgave us for we didn’t know what we were doing either. Should we not do the same for others including our spouse?

The bottom line is that from what I see, you have no biblical grounds for divorce and if you do divorce this man, you are not free to remarry. I know this seems hard and you are likely not happy with this but this is from what the Bible says and not from my own personal opinion. We are all devalued…all sinners and all unclean yet Christ died so that we can be seen as having Jesus’ righteousness (2 cor 5:21).

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Werner Pretorius December 22, 2013 at 4:11 am

Kery, bmaybe we can encouragebeach other. My mail is wpretorius23@yahoo.com

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FYHA December 22, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Having a hard time dealing with my pending divorce. To best describe it, my husband is a narcissist. Extremely charming and a great actor to cover his sin. (He has several issues – impulsive spending, ruining us financially, insecurity, adultery, compulsive lying, etc) He has lusted over several women during our 5 yr marriage even writing a journal about how he is in love with his married co worker and doesn’t care about me just when he’ll be together with her. But it’s not about this one woman because a few years before it was another woman and another before that. My husband has a gift in memory, so he knows so much scripture by heart, he knows many history in relation to the bible. He used to serve actively in the church and worked tirelessly spreading the gospel and bringing others to Christ. Now he is two faced. Still pretending to trust in God to those who don’t know his sins, and then denying Christ to the church because he doesn’t want to repent. I ended up leaving a yr and a half ago because he became increasingly emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive after I outed him to the church and they exercised church discipline and asked him to leave if he chose to be unrepentant. I have prayed, fasted, left him alone (for the last year). I struggle with being deceived by this man. Everyone thought he was such a good Christian…some still believe ” he’s not that bad” and I shouldn’t have left him…he continues to lie making me to look like a fake Christian. I have lost a lot because more people believe him. And yet in my heart I don’t wish Gods wrath upon him. I wish for him to be truly saved because I know The way he has abused Gods name and used it to cover his evil the future is hopeless for him. It really revealed to me how many people doing really uphold Gods word when it comes to situations like this where taking a stand for God comes into question. Many “Christians” have told him it’s ok for him to divorce me, move on, and find someone who will love him unconditionally “as God teaches”. It all makes me sick to my stomach.

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Jack Wellman December 22, 2013 at 1:24 pm

These “Christians” who tell him “its okay for him to divorce me and move one and find someone who will love him unconditionally” is a lie. These “Christians” must have a different Bible than I do. They are totally wrong. You have grounds for divorce but he is no more saved than a man on death row who is unrepentant. The mouth reveals what is in the heart and his potty-mouth shows he is not a believer (read 1 John chapter 3). I would talk to your pastor and ignore these who are professing to be Christians for they will have a big, terrible surprise someday (Math 7:21-23).

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FYHA December 22, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Thank you for the reply. I can say this has really shaken me up in regards to the warnings in the bible. I never thought I would see such evil in my life. People with no fear of The Lord. I am thankful for the lesson to know there will be many things/people in this world who will distort the truth to lead us astray. I am much less naive, and hold very close to Gods word. It hurts to be slandered when you know in your heart you were willing to work on any sinful actions that I might have done to contribute anyway to the marriage breakdown. I never knew life could be this hard. I am thankful I have a wonderful pastor and elder board who have stood with me every step of the way. I am thankful the exercised church discipline, even when my husband threatened to sue them and waste the church’s money on legal defence. God has been faithful! And even though I relate to the feelings expressed here, loneliness, regret, shame, unworthy of happiness, I know my Savior lives, I hang on waiting patiently in long suffering for my vindication. I pray for others here. I know this road is difficult. But I can see how God continues to confirm his word to me. I pray for healing. My heart really is broken, just taking one day at a time, and just trusting God to help me make it till I see His glory in Heaven. God bless you all.

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Jack Wellman December 22, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Amen my friend. Well said. You are standing on solid ground and that solid rock is Christ Himself to which will cause the ungodly to stumble but for those who trust in Him, an unshakable foundation that will never be moved. I will pray for your healing too my friend.

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Sarah December 22, 2013 at 10:09 pm

Hi Jack,

Thanks. I’m going to talk to my pastor instead. I don’t believe that I’m not free to remarry! I’m not the one who committed adultery. I didn’t even mention that my husband smokes pot, watches porn, and wants to start a personal grow op. He’s told me flat out that he doesn’t care. So I can pray til I’m blue in the face and fast til I no longer exist..but the man isn’t going to change in this marriage. Maybe the next. I think you have great input with some people but you should NEVER tell someone who’s been betrayed in such a terrible way that they can’t remarry.

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Cheryl higgins December 22, 2013 at 11:03 pm

Sarah. I believe only you know what the right decision is and to make your decision before God. If your husband is willing to give your marriage another go i believe you should receive counselling and try as marriage is always worth trying for. I have a friend whose husband was a pastor, he had an affair and she forgave him as he was repentant and now they are really happy. However it sounds from what you have said that your husband is not repentant and remains hard hearted.
has abandoned you since he told you he doesnt love you and not to come back. That must be heartbreaking for you. I am a strong advocate for marriage and keeping a marriage going but to make it work it takes both husband and wife. I also believe if your husband has committed adultery and is unrepentant you are free to divorce and remarry. (Sorry jack, this is where we perhaps differ in our biblical views) as the busband is not repentant nor are there any signs he is wiling to make it work . however i think you must explore all avenues before you make any decisions as gods heart is always to keep marriage together and if your husband repents please consider this.

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John December 23, 2013 at 8:29 am

My wife of thirteen years told me she wanted a divorce in February. We were divorced by May. I tried to talk her out of it. I tried to get her to go to counciling. But she said she just had to get away from me. She remarried two months after our divorce. We have two kids. Because of contact because of the kids, I can sense she is wanting to come back. I dont acknowledge the comments, becuase she is a married woman now. Im so confused. I dont know what to do.

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Jack Wellman December 23, 2013 at 8:48 pm

Hello John and thank you sir for your comment/question. Have you spoken with your pastor over this? That is my first suggestion and to see what he says about this. I understand that she is now married and it is hard to tell how certain her feelings are for you from just comments isn’t it? Or are these comments sending you a message that she wants reconciliation? In either case, please talk to your pastor first or a good, godly Christian counselor or both. Bask this in much prayer too my friend and I will also pray for God’ wisdom for you.

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Danielle January 2, 2014 at 2:24 pm

Ive been knowing my husband for 21 years we married 2 years ago…he met back up with his ex and theyve kept in contact because the ex really wants him…. he needed “space” and ended up sleeping with his ex…who he knows wont leave him alone.. she told him that if she cant have him she was going to sleep with someone else so now shes sreaming she pregnant I want a divorce so bad…

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Werner Pretorius January 3, 2014 at 1:54 pm

Danielle, please dont do it. Most people on this site is fighting with everything they have to save their marriage. My wife is having an affair that is lasted up to now for 15 months. She had already filed for the divorce. You remember you said through think and thin you will stay. Now is the bad times. Get on your knees and ask God for restoration of your marriage. I know God is7 in control. Your marriage will be blessed.

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Cheryl higgins January 3, 2014 at 3:04 pm

I believe god wants to restore marriages but only if both parties are willing. If it is obvious that one of the marriage partners is not going to change then why wait around? My husband wants our marriage restored and ive forgiven him so many times over 18 years of physical and emotional abuse, and despite him saying it will never happen again it did. His attitude towards women hasnt changed and the last time we separated he told me the lord is disciplining you. He also still maintains he has no conscience about what he has done to me. His only regret is for the children. He got into trouble at work for his attitude to other staff too. He went through disciplinary but they let him off due to his ‘aspergers’ and made him redundant instead. This goes to show he hasnt changed. I can forgive but this doesnt mean i should stay in a marriage where i am afraid of doing things or moving things, or coming home or being beaten around the head. I never believed in divorce but have come to realise that my husband himself has broken the marriage covenant many times over with no real repentance. He points the blame at me or the children but he is unable to recognise any wrongdoing on his part. So ive had to come to terms with this painful reality. I admire those of you who continue to hope and pray for restoration of your marriages. Socmany christian marriages are falling apart recently around me, it’s shocking. However for me i can never trust my husband to not attack me physically and last time around my head was just too much, it had to stop. So, however much you all believe in ‘through thick and thin’there are limits to this i believe. God hates divorce as he knows the pain it causes hiwever he doesnt hate the divorced person.

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Werner Pretorius January 5, 2014 at 1:23 am

Cheryl. I know it is easy to say the following, but I believe God can fix anything. If he can split the Red sea and make the stars I am sure he can change your husband. Remember Gods will is the restoration of the marriage. 1john 5 verse 14. “He who ask for Gods will will receive it”. I have decided I will havecfaith that God will do as says in his word. God will take care of the problems himself (matt 6). Who wants to destroy marriages. Satan not God. Cheryl, you can become a pillar of marriages, a stronghold. Make your marriage a holy war. You will win. Believe it because the word og God is your weapon. I

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Cheryl higgins January 5, 2014 at 2:30 am

I believe that god can fix things too. However i dont agree i should stay in a marriage which endangers my life and damages my children. The bible shows that there are certain grounds for divorce and having tried counselling and other avenues after being beaten around the head i have chosen to leave. It is unwise to advise anyone differently if the person is unrepentant.
He has had many years to change and has told me he wont change. I dont doubt god can change him if he wants but god needs the person to want to change or give him a blinding light as he did with Saul. Still ive decided im not hanging around waiting for a brain haemorrhage and if i dont divorce him he will still try to control me and pester me (as he sees we are still married) and i need to be free from his controlling ways now. It is such a shame and very painful which is why god hates divorce however god divorced israel as she continued in wickedness. He saw how painful this is but he doesnt hate the divorcee. My husband has broken the marriage covenant, not me and totally unrepentant having been given warnings by police, warnings i would leave him if it happened again and he took no notice. God can mend broken vessels too and create some good out of mess. Look at josephs story in the bible. God has placed some fab non judging people around me and even a family who work for an organisation promoting marriages
And they understand and have been wonderful.

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LND January 6, 2014 at 1:21 pm

WHY IS THE DARKNESS ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO THE LIGHT!!!???
I can honestly say that these things I know for sure:
1. God does NOT want “these types” of abusive marriages for ANY OF US.
2. God hates divorce, BUT- also gives clear grace for abusers of porn, booze, drugs, and physical/mental abuse.
3. Let them go- God will take care of us and have mercy and GRACE for we are the abandoned- EXODUS 14:14- He will do the battle for US.
4. I say SEEK HIS FACE EARNESTLY, do communion, plead His Blood, and FAST to see HOW he wants to move in the horrible sit we face. HE WILL GIVE YOU A CLEAR WORD.
Im married over 15yrs,(together 20yrs) to an “A.C.O.A.” aka “an adult child of an alcoholic. Who, is ALSO an alcoholic as well. God knows my sit is unbearable most times. I sometimes have to get by on 10min increments of peace to be thankful for. Please do what the word says. My pastor actually rec I sleep in the guestroom to “separate” from my husband (and to seek the Lords face) and let God handle him…as He made him! I can tell you, by His unbelievable grace and mercy- he has been doing a great work in my husband. My husband (albeit kicking and screaming) finally came to marriage counsel w/me. He goes once in awhile solo which also helps immensely. Daniels Lions Den I often feel like. But God is greater in me!
The enemy is doing a hardcore havoc scene on believers (to test us) and to everyone in these last days. He wants us to be broken and taking pills, etc suicidal, b/c he knows the coming of our Lord is SOON. DONT GIVE IN. PUT ON YOUR ARMOUR and fight!!! He will flee- stay connected w/support of other believers, watch Christian TV and when you feel bummed out- just start PRAISING and singing joyfully in spite of the enemy’s attempts to steal your joy! also- call/cast the enemy out in the name above every name daily in your home- and BLESS your home- ask for divine protection over your home. Pleading the blood of our savior WHO SAVES! AMEN!- over your abusers head and heart. Plead a hedge of protection over your loved one. Pray for their salvation- God made them- they’re only temporarily in the grasp of the enemy. Also, meditate on the bible verse that promises “And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.” Acts 16:31. I pray FAITHFULLY ( as faith w/out works is DEAD) this TRUTH is coming to pass.
ALSO- KNOW THIS- look in the mirror and ask God to reveal to YOU what it is ABOUT YOU that he wants to break, hone like a fine diamond in His image, and expose to the light to change! in MOST OF THESE CASES we are also responsible for at least half of this process. CLAIM your part or forget it. We ALL fall short of His glory and are sinners. Pray for your abusers, as Christ did on the cross. AND above all : note to the married here: Your spouse right now is SICK. you DID take a VOW of in sickness AND in health- better or worse- , right???? Well, yes they ARE SICK. BUT GOD IS SO MUCH GREATER AMEN – AAANNNNDDD took ALL SICKNESS AT THE CROSS. Let HIM do this battle for YOU! but – ONLY if you have completed the checklist of everything else aforementioned.
Im praying faithfully to everyone amidst this battle carrying this heavy cross. But He is our hope. Keep me posted please my family in Christ Jesus. God Bless you ALL.

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Cheryl Higgins January 6, 2014 at 3:50 pm

I agree with most of what you say however I am not staying in the same house as a man who beats me and I have given him so many chances to sort things out and he hasn’t. It is unsafe to stay. God will change him but he must also be willing to be changed. It’s great to hear of stories of reconciliation and God’s transforming of hearts. I do pray for him however the damage has been done now for me. I don’t trust him or love him any more. We don’t get on either now, he has been so so mean before and after we separated. Yes in sickness and in health but not violence. The Lord has been my strong tower and my cornerstone and sure foundation when everything is shifting around me.

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cah April 15, 2014 at 4:38 pm

lnd,
thanks for the good words. I have been married for almost 30 years. It has not been perfect but I love my husband and thot we would be together for ever. 5 years ago my parents died, 2 kids went to college and i spent alot of time dealing with that. My husband changed so much. Started to seek out my best friend of 20 odd years. This has been off and on for 5 years! i am trying to be the best wife I can be for the Lord. I have apologized for the part I played in the bad feelings….tried to forgive….but it seems im the only one working towards making it better! We take 2 steps forward and 3 backward. Every now and again I see where he is contacting my friend and the latest was a text telling her he loved her. When do I know it is time to say it is enough? i dont want to run ahead of the Lord or do I want to lag behind! I just know that I am so worn and broken! I miss the man I married. Not sure he will ever be back emotionally…..how long is too long to wait!

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Sarah W. January 7, 2014 at 2:15 am

Hi Cheryl,

I want to thank you and Jack for y’all’s kind words. I’ve decided to leave my husband. He confessed that he doesn’t have any desire to work on our marriage or get counseling. It’s been about a month since the affair. I ask him today if there was anything in him that wants to save our marriage and he said, “you can stay, but, it’s not going to change how I feel about you.” He also mentioned he wasn’t going to seek council or help. So there for I’m leaving. I’m not going to get a divorce..I’m going back to Tx and I’m going to continue to be his wife until the day I sign divorce papers.
I’m going to continue to be his Godly wife..but in my home state. I’m going to continue praying for our marriage but in a distance. My husband needs to find his own way without me. I need to continue my walk with God away from him. Living under the same roof doesn’t seem healthy.
Cheryl, I was reading your stories..and I think you can leave your husband but you don’t have to divorce him. Sometimes men like the ones we married need to be left alone. Since we can’t pressure them or make them stop what they are doing or make them love us..we sometimes just need to let them go. Now I don’t know your finances or situation..but if you can move out for a temp trial I would encourage you. People are going to do whatever they want any way. I don’t know your husband..if he’s the type that wants to be left alone like my husband..but I’m doing just that. As his wife I’m going to respect what he wants..I’m going to get my life together! I’m going to let The Lord help me focus on me and my relationship with God. Living here with my husband only brings sadness and heartbreak. I’d rather be closer to my loving family and friends..living in peace while husband gets his life together. I feel as tho I’m wasting time stayin here while I can be back in my home state not miserable, laughing again and meeting new folks and friends. My husband has been my anchor for too long and it’s gotta stop. I’ll be his wife until the day I sign those papers and respect myself while I’m away. Even knowing that he’s going to probably cheat again. I guess it’s because I have nothing else to lose but so much to gain. Leaving our husbands doesn’t mean we are divorced..it means that we love and care about them enough to let them go..a woman always knows when to leave.
I’m going to miss him and love him regardless..because I’m his Godly wife. Until we divorce I’m going to be as far away as I can. I wrote my husband a note..within that note are a list of things only end that he needs to live by in order for us to work things out. The list is the list I shoulda,coulda, woulda before we got married..that I needed to have given him. But we are where we are now.
Anyway, walk away or stay but make a list or let him know what the expectations are for y’all’s marriage. I just don’t think you should stay there any longer..It’s not a sin to not live with our husbands. Gods goin to be with us no matter where we go. But I will be prayin for ya doll..I’m hopin we can have our marital miracle!:) I pray for the best for you and your family..I truly hope during the separations..If you decide to leave that God will restore not just mine and your marriage but everyone’s! Coming from experience I don’t wish this upon not even my worst enemy! Take care and God Bless!;)

Sarah W.

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Cheryl Higgins January 7, 2014 at 1:04 pm

I admire your courage and also you sticking with your husband in terms of being his wife. We did have a period of separation after he beat me around the head (not the first time, but after many times). He went to his mums on the instruction of the police and my minister. He stayed for four months and then got kicked out of his mums by his step dads for not respecting their rules. Same old story of his non respect for other peoples boundaries.He only sees it from his point of view and thinks he is always right. I was kind enough to let him come back for a couple of nights however once he came back he refused to move out. so we are living separately under the same roof but not out of choice. I cannot afford to move out until the house is sold as i don’t earn enough to sustain a rent or mortgage without my share of the house. I have considered not divorcing but just being separated however I decided to divorce since he doesn’t respect boundaries and will keep coming to my home, he would continue to hound me, pester me to try again. He doesn’t want a divorce but neither does he want or try to change. I don’t trust him anyway as we have tried counselling and he has promised to never hit me again and each time he hasn’t stuck to his word. He says he will still consider me his wife even after a legal divorce so i will never be free if i just separate from him. Also, selfishly i don’t want to wait around for him to change as I’ve done this before. I may have a chance in the future of being married again to a non abusive man and having some happiness after all these years of not being happy and being mistreated by my husband. My pastor has supported me in this decision. he never told me what to do but told me i do have grounds for divorce if i made that decision. I don’t feel as if I was the instigator of divorce- my husband has divorced me because of his violent behaviour- I am just legalising it. If you look deeper into the meaning of adultery it isn’t just a sexual act, it can also mean physical violence. I do know couples where the husband has had an affair and the relationship has healed and all forgiven however in those cases the husband repented and made amends. During our time of separation my husband kept emailing me telling me that it is my daughters fault and my fault, telling me the Lord is disciplining me, that he should have been harsher with me during our marriage. he doesn’t recognise any of what he has done at all. He is like a sheep in wolves clothing. To all the other church people he is all sweetness as if butter wouldn’t melt. he is a Jekyll and Hyde character. No repentance He could have caused a brain haemorrhage to my head. He also had issues at work for being very rude to people there. There’s no way I’m going back now to that sort of man. I need to start afresh, rebuilding my confidence, self esteem and concentrate on my relationship with the Lord. I pray you will know God’s deepest peace Sarah and have lots of support around you, people praying for you. God Bless, Cheryl

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SavedbyGrace January 30, 2014 at 4:00 am

Hi All
After reading some of the comments here I felt I should share my story in hope to find some encouragement from people who have either been in my situation or who know better than I do.
I am 21 years old and I have an 18 month old son with my husband. We only got married in October 2013 after being together for two years, against the will of God ( By that I mean we were engaged but not husband and wife yet) During our engagement I discovered he had been cheating on me with an older lady, closer to his age. He is 32. When I confronted him about the affair he became both physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I was not innocent either. In my anger I abandoned my Christian values and used some verbally abusive words with him. I stopped seeing him for a month, during which time he then moved in with this lady and he continued to live with her for 6 months in the house that he and I had bought and renovated with hopes of moving into after getting married. Throughout the engagement I had stayed with my parents. I prayed for and yearned for a family which was blessed of the Lord. Everyday I asked God to change His heart and remind him of the love we shared. We continued to see and talk to each other casually whenever he came to see his son. He would give me gifts and say sweet words to me and I thought he was changing.
A few days before my birthday my then ex-fiancé called me and made plans to see me. He took me out to a spa and treated me to a full body massage, thereafter we went back to his house which he was sharing with his girlfriend. That was the first time I came face to face with the reality that he was indeed staying with her. He lied to me and told me that she used the spare room as a tenant and although I didn’t believe him I wanted him back so badly that I decided to act the fool. On my birthday he took me out again and this time he took me to a hotel room where he expected to have intercourse with me, though we were not married and he had a girlfriend which he was staying with. Unfortunately I did not resist the temptation and we ended up doing just that. That was in July. After that I started putting pressure on him to break up with his girlfriend and in August he called me from my work to tell me that he had broken up with her and she was moving out.
That weekend I took my son over there and we spent the weekend. 3 weeks later I found out that I was pregnant again.
In September we started planning our wedding and my fiancé seemed to be the happiest man in the world.
We got married in an intimate wedding led by one of the pastors from my church and I thought God was turning our lives around for the best.
After we were married however everything changed.
My husband started complaining about how lazy I was and how I didn’t do anything around the house, even though I was pregnant, had a full time job, more than two hours travelling away from where we stayed and a busy toddler. I hired someone to help with household chores so as to keep the house together, but this seemd to patronise my husband and he would often say that he expected me to do household chores because he had married me and not the helper. He would often say that he wished the baby I was carrying would just go away so I could just go back to normal because he hated how lazy I was and how I used my pregnancy as an excuse. He accused me of cheating and said that he suspected that the baby was not his because he and I had only been together once when the child was conceived and pretty much said all kinds of nasty things that a person who has been cheated on would say. Even though I had not been with anyone else and I repeatedly assured him of this. I prayed and prayed. I went to church for the leaders to pray with me, I asked people to come to our home to pray with me but things just got worse. He started staying out really late in the evenings and then he eventually would only come home the next day claiming that he had been arrested and falsely accused or that he had fallen asleep on the couch while watching movies at his bestfriend’s house, and his bestfriend would always second the story.
One morning my husband woke up to a call. After ending the phone call he took a shower and then took his gun out of the safe and strung it on his belt ( I had never seen him do this before) He then proceeded to tell me that he had been sleeping with a young girl whose boyfriend had been in prison. He was now out of prison and threatening his life. He also said that this girl was the same person who had told him about my unfaithfulness(which is false) and claimed to have a video and pictures of me with the man that I was cheating with.
I was so hurt and angered not only by his confession to cheating but also by the fact that all this time he had been harassing me with allegations that were made by his mistress and he still believed her over me and had made our house hell. In short, I told him that he was an idiot for believing this and that I want to hear nothing more about this girl or their affair. In a fit of absolute rage and what looked like hatred in his eyes my husband grabbed my arm and twisted it, and made very serious threats about beating me to a pulp and not being afraid of my father amongst other things. I told him that he need not worry I would leave his house.
I left the house taking my son and all our possesions and moved back home with my mothers help.
He has started seeing the older woman again whom he once lived with, even though he denies this and right now I am so ashamed of having a broken home at my age. I feel under equipped to raise two kids on my own. I miss him, and I wonder if I did not make an emotional decision.
I feel so lost and alone and I feel I brought this onto myself by leaving our home. He blames me for taking his son away and in all honesty I feel like the foolish woman who is described in the bible to destroy her house with her own hands.
Can anyone tell me what to pray, what to read, what to do. anything, as long as its Gods will.

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Jack Wellman January 30, 2014 at 8:59 am

Dear “Saved by Grace.” First off, have you spoken with your pastor about this? what did he say? That is your first move. I would say that this man doesn’t sound saved. Your first thing to do is to talk to your own pastor and as for feeling trapped or blamed, no one is free from blame in marital disputes but you have every right to divorce this man who has been in, and continues to be in an adulterous situation and especially since he shows no remorse or repentance. The gun part concerns me. I would tell someone else too. Don’t put all of the blame on yourself.

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SavedbyGrace January 31, 2014 at 4:02 am

Dear Mr Wellman. Thank you for responding. I have not told anyone except my mother and father. I was so ashamed of my situation, being one of the youngest from our church to get married. I had hoped so badly to prove all the pessimists wrong that I have taken too much time being quiet about what has happened. I will talk to my pastor about this as soon as I can see him. Thank you and all those involved for a website such as this.

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Jack Wellman January 31, 2014 at 9:00 am

You have nothing to be ashamed of my friend…God is good. You didn’t commit adultery and continue to do so without repentance like he is doing. God is a forgiving God. I would pray for this man’s soul for he is headed to a terrible fate someday (Rev 20:11-15).

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Lindsay D. February 4, 2014 at 12:38 am

Hi Pastor Jack. Thank you for answering questions and prayer. I feel so sad for thes folks dealing with adultery and children involved. Sending prayers.

My husband is an incredible man. He loves God whole heartedly and has an incredibly pure heart and life. However, he is 22 years old. I am 30 with a lot of life experience traveling, successful business owner, great family, a series of great relationships-all of which I ended Bc of their lacy of pursuing God at the same speed as me. I honestly never even pictured myself as being married. I enjoyed being single and spending all my time loving God. every day now i am saddened by all the time i spend on this relationship and feel like i’m detached from time with God. When I met my husband I knew he was different and was grateful and appreciated him and couldn’t wait to marry him. However, against the advice of everyone in our lives and even God directly telling us both independently to wait and honor His process, we didn’t. We wanted to get our life started. So we ended up only dating really for 4months before we got married. Most of that time we spend defending our relationship and not focusing on just being in love. Now we’ve been married for 6 months and it has literally been the worst 6 months of my life. I’m not sure what’s worse, being cheated on or wishing your husband would cheat or even look at a woman with lust so you’d have a Biblical reason for divorce. I’ve racked my brain, gotten tons of counseling and advice and come to the conclusion that God would forgive us for dis honoring our families and making a mistake by eloping. He is a great guy but we have some fundamental differences that are deal breakers, and having waited we would have surely not gone through with it. I am extremely driven and successful. He is not. He has never had a real job and has been looking with No avail for months. I have no ability to respect him not solely for this reason, but this lack of drive translates into every are of his life. He would be fine working minimum wage his whole life and barely paying the bills. That burns a hole in everything I stand for. Another huge issue is we waited to be intimate before marriage and he’s literally terrible like incapable of being a good lover. We have tried everything, been to doctors counselors etc. they say its a mental issue he needs to deal with. I know it has to do with me not respecting him as well. But I can’t fake it. I’m honest to a fault. I don’t sugar coat things and in turn may not be exactly nice about discussing these issues. Sex is really important. And I am appalled at the thought of touching him. His family is also a major issue. Mine has been really encouraging and loving in spite of their disagreement with our decision. His family is unbearable. They’ve made my life a living hell. I’ve never ever had anyone ever treat me this way. I’ve tried apologizing and all sorts of attempting to reconcile, but it’s useless. They’re not Christians and some of the most immature and damaged folks I’ve ever met. His mom and dad are divorced and both are drug addicts. It’s literally a miracle he came out a pure extremely honorable and Godly man. He has so many great qualities but some fundamental things/deal breakers do not work. He also wants kids and I refuse to have children. I’ve been honest with him about the beginning. I broke up with him at one point before we got married Bc of this. I know better. When he’s 10-15 years older he’s going to be miserable without kids. I don’t have any idea what to do. I wake up every day knowing I’ve tried everything and I feel like its Groundhog Day. Our marriage can’t possibly be honoring to God. And I don’t want to be miserable my entire life. I am aware I made a covenant with God. But I can’t imagine He wants me to suffer my entire life for one mistake. Help!

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Jack Wellman February 4, 2014 at 10:19 am

Hello Lindsay D. There is not much you can do unfortunately since there are no biblical grounds for divorce unless I am missing something in your comment. You said that he has cheated. Is this still occurring? Is he still continuing to look at women with lust? Jesus equated that with adultery in his heart being committed. As I told another grieving wife, God never promises Christians happiness but I fear for your husband’s eternal state for he doesn’t sound like he is saved at all and will likely hear this terrible message from Jesus someday (Matt 7:21-23) while you will hear “well done thou good and faithful servant….” Have you spoken with your own pastor over this? That is always my first advice since he can sit down with you and speak to you face to face which I am unable to do. What do you do now?

Why do you refuse to have children? Are you not dishonoring him by his desire to have children? Why don’t you want children? That is a desire of so many couples and by refusing to have children, you are saying no to one of his greatest desires. We are never promised a good life in this world but eternal joy in the next so I would talk with your pastor, pray and maybe even fast for him and continue to love him unconditionally and ask yourself why you do not want children when he does so badly. This will continue to be a thorn in your marriage, no doubt. For right now, unfortunately, there is no other thing you can do but to trust in God and make Him your first love (Matt 6:33) and wait upon Him (Psalm 37). I believe your husband’s desire for you would change if you would give him the great pleasure and privilege of having children. Even so, misery in this life will be replaced by unspeakable joy in the next (Rom 8:18, 28).

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Cynthia Jo April 9, 2014 at 7:34 am

My husband is a military chaplain. His job is not going well with his superiors, despite the fact that he works about 70 hours a week. He said he feels like he is in prison both in his job and his marriage, and that after his next assignment we should separate (is he acting too godly to call it divorce?). He wants to go back to his country of origin. I feel that he has always put his home country and family of origin before the kids and I. He is angry that I haven’t worked at this base, although I haven’t been able to find a job, and am the only one consistently there for our kids. I’ve been pleading the blood of Jesus over our marriage for years. I haven’t seen any results. In fact, my husband seems to have a deeper resignation and refuses marriage counseling saying we are both intellectual enough to counsel ourselves.
How do you deal with a Christian man who is ready and willing to abandon his family to go back “home”. Oh, and he said that we will be fine because the US has free education and welfare.

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Jack Wellman April 9, 2014 at 9:04 pm

Thank you Cynthia Jo for your question and comment. As for “How do you deal with a Christian man who is ready and willing to abandon his family to go back “home”.” I fear this man is not saved. Ultimately his destiny is going to be so horrible as to be beyond description (Read Rev 20:11-15). He does not sound like he is saved so we need to pray for him to be convicted by the Holy Spirit to show him his sin and then to repent of these sins and then trust in Christ. You cannot “pray the blood of Christ” over a marriage and expect that to help. That saying or verse is not found in the Bible anywhere. Wow…I am so sorry. You must remain faithful but if he leaves, there is nothing you can do about it. Trust in God, pray for a miracle in this man’s soul.

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Randy April 9, 2014 at 9:27 pm

I’d say we’d have to be in this man’s shoes. Most Christians are very judgmental when it comes to divorce. Until you’ve been in this chaplain’s shoes, we should not comment as to his standing before God, that is between him and God alone.

We can’t ascertain by one section of a man’s life if he’s a believer or not. We can follow biblical principles and if, as in Matthew 18, he will not hear the church, we should treat him as a non-believer. That is, we pray for him to return and encourage him. That is the purpose on church discipline.

It’s not an easy process to become a military chaplain. There’s seminary, ordination, and endorsement all of which involve interviews and observation as to one’s fitness to be a chaplain. We must assume, until proven otherwise, that those in authority over him (his ordaining church, denominational endorser, seminary acceptance) have done due diligence in their duties.

Chaplains are human and often see first hand the horrors of war, hear about horrible things and need a pastor as well as anyone else. He cannot be a chaplain in the military without being a US citizen, as all commissioned officers must be and maintain a secret clearance.

Please Jack, do not judge or call another lazy and irresponsible, I could say the same of you.

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Jack Wellman April 10, 2014 at 9:27 am

I agree…and I am sorry and also I apologize to Cynthia Jo also. I do agree that I cannot know this man’s situation and being in the military I have the utmost respect for him and so thank you Randy for pointing that out and to Cynthia Jo, let me say that we can all still pray for this man and that He is restored to his relationship with his wife.

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Jack Wellman April 10, 2014 at 10:43 am

Cynthia Jo, as I told Randy, I think I was out of line in harshly judging your husband. Let me say in all humility that I am sorry and I will pray for your marriage to be restored. I think I failed in responding properly and I will always (hopefully) admit when I have made a mistake. God forgive me and I hope that you and Randy will as well. I will promise to pray for you and your marriage and that God the Holy Spirit sends help in saving this marriage because God desires that marriage survive. I am sorry for the way that I gave a reply and ask for your forgiveness as well as Randy’s too. Thank you.

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Randy April 9, 2014 at 1:24 pm

Cynthia, blessings to you sister. I’m very sorry you are going through this. I was a military chaplain for 20 years, up until about 3 years ago. I also got divorced during that time along with many of those in my peer group. Military life is difficult and living a Christian life inside a cocoon where you’re always around like minded believers and people who encourage you is far different than being out in the world all the time. Most of the divorces occurred over unfaithfulness while the military member was deployed, some for other reasons.

I understand your husbands reluctance to seek marriage counseling. I guess you just have to work with therapists and social workers not to trust them. Let me outline the mistakes I made:

1. I sought a lot of counsel from social workers/therapist who weren’t really believers. If they were, they weren’t committed enough to be grounded in the Word.
2. I didn’t get my church involved right away.

It is difficult to find people who understand Christians and divorce to begin with, let alone military stresses and ministers stresses. But you should start by reading Matthew 18:15-17 if you haven’t already. Then go to your pastor/deacon/elder in your local church. Your denomination might have a resource.

I’d also recommend The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, Peacemaker Ministries has a website and you can find out more information there. After my divorce I discovered PM and eventually (about 5 years) got certification as a Certified Christian Conciliator, they will have a list for on nearest you if your church is not equipped (don’t be surprised if they aren’t, but a Conciliator will try to involve them).

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Kery April 9, 2014 at 8:42 pm

Randy, I was just wondering if you are remarried? Have a relationship with you ex? Why the divorce if you don’t mind? And would you say that you regret iit….the divorce?

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Randy April 9, 2014 at 10:09 pm

Kery, yes remarried. At the time I was ordained in a conservative, evangelical denomination who assembled a group of godly men who did their due diligence to investigate and bring her in for church discipline which she denied. Having done that, they restored me to good standing and that is history. (See Jay Adams’ book, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage.)

What I regret is the church’s and individual Christians response. What they did was more painful than the divorce itself and is still painful today because of ignorance. Divorce does grieved God, He hates it. However, He is a divorcee Himself, divorcing Himself from Israel for unfaithfulness (study Hosea). He hates it because He knows it hurts and is out of His will. That does not make it the unpardonable sin.

I was condemned by a “friend” who was a zealous evangelist, who also almost lost his job over viewing internet porn at work. His sin justified; divorce condemned.

Divorce should not be in the same category with other sins. Often one has no control over it, a deserting spouse for example even if adultery isn’t the reason.

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Sarah April 9, 2014 at 9:13 pm

Hi everyone!

I wrote on this page this past Christmas. I just want to encourage PRAYER! That and have FAITH and PATIENTS!:) God works the way he works for a reason. I heard from a pastor that “this isn’t happening to us.. But happening for us!”
My husband completely wanted out of our marriage. He didn’t pray nor did he have God on his side..but I did! I kept my faith. I’m not a councilor nor am I trying to give this advice..but I’m just gonna say what helped me. While I was apart from my husband I decided to date and met amazing guys! I kept in mind that I still loved my husband and still wanted to reconcile..but it worked! It’s staying busy and not focusing on the “maybe divorce!” Go out and have fun!! Don’t waste any time on the sadness..because our spouse that wants out isn’t wasting anytime!! Just watch..when they see your independence man or woman! They see what they are missing out on..and believe me when I say they realize that the grass isn’t greener on the other side!!:) My husband couldn’t last 2 1/2 months away from me!! He called me and now we are back together! During this time apart from your spouse..don’t call or text! Call and text new people! You don’t have to sleep around or fool around..just have fun! Go to church, pray, make new friends and just wait for God! Being sad gets you no where! Oh and go work out!!! It’s the best thing I ever did while separated! No matter what be INDEPEDANT! They’ll coming running back!!! That’s a promise! Oh and if y’all get back together..stop doing EVERYTHING you did before..it’s what pushed them this far! Any cool questions feel free to email me
sarahwasilewski84@gmail.com

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