5 Tips for Christians Considering Divorce

by David Peach on May 28, 2012 · Print Print · Email Email

It is a heartbreaking thing to have friends and family members who are going through divorce. Maybe you and your spouse are the ones considering a divorce and are looking for help. I hope that the information in this article can be a help to you or your friends.

If you are going through a strained relationship you may find the stress and emotional anguish difficult to bear. There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions. However your ability to think clearly and rationally about the future is often clouded by the emotional trauma you are experiencing.

The information in this article is intended for Christian couples that are struggling with non-life threatening relationship issues. If you are in an abusive marriage where one of the spouses, or worse yet, children, could become physically harmed then you should get the law involved in protecting the family.

Laying aside physical abuse and unrepentant sexual immorality, let’s look at 5 tips for Christians who are considering divorce and see if God can help you find a way to save your marriage. Because you are reading this article I assume you have some desire to keep your marriage together. I trust that you will seriously consider your alternatives and use these suggestions to bring your spouse close to you once again.

Christians considering divorce

There are long-lasting and far-reaching effects that need to be considered before making life-changing decisions.

Pray

Please pray. Don’t neglect this. Pray that God will give you wisdom in your relationship (James 1:5). Pray for your spouse. Pray that God will give you love for him or her again (1 Corinthians 13). If you don’t maintain your relationship with a perfect and loving God during this critical time, what hope do you have for maintaining a relationship with a spouse who is an imperfect sinner like yourself?

You may find that it is hard to pray right now. Reading your Bible may become very difficult. Rarely do marriages struggle where only one partner is to blame for all the problems. It may be true that your spouse carries much of the fault, but your bitterness and pride is probably what is hindering you from wanting to even talk with the Lord. Are you afraid that He will show you sin and improper behavior in your own life?

During this time of great difficulty you should actually pray that God does reveal your faults. You absolutely cannot change your spouse. Only God and your partner can do that. You should pray for them, but spend more time praying that God will change you and make your relationship with Him stronger and better. As a result of building a better relationship with God you will invariably build a better relationship with your mate.

Remember

What brought you two together 10 years ago? What was the big attraction to him or her when you first started dating that summer? Those qualities are probably still there you just have to look for them. It is possible that he or she has changed since those innocent days. Why? Is it because you have changed in such a way that you no longer bring out those qualities in your spouse? Maybe you have nagged them so much to change through the years that when they finally did, you buried that quality you fell in love with.

I am reminded of a cartoon I saw recently where a young couple fell madly in love. After they were married she nagged him to change the style of shirt he wore. He did. She complained about the way he wore his hair. In an effort to please her, he changed that too. She asked him to change various things about his actions and appearance. He continued to change for her sake. In the end she filed for divorce stating that he was no longer the man she fell in love with years before.

The cartoon was written to comically illustrate what happens to many couples. But you may feel a twinge of guilt if you are the one who coerced your mate into making changes they did not want to make.

Try to remember those early days when you first fell in love. If you built your relationship on the right things then those qualities are still inside your spouse. However, if you built your relationship purely on a physical attraction you have to remember that you don’t have the body of a 20-year-old any more either. Jumping out of one relationship to find another physically attractive person will end the exact same way.

Find, or bring out again, the qualities in your spouse that you loved so much. They are still there. You had the power to reveal those before you were married, you can do it again.

Though we say it all the time, you did not really “fall in love.” You grew together in a relationship. Your love was planted, grew and blossomed over time. You also don’t fall out of love. It is crazy to think that you do. If you no longer have the love you once had for them it is because you have made decisions that have pushed you to growing out of love, not falling there.

Be the Kind of Person You Want to Live With

Have you stopped to consider how you are acting towards your spouse? If he or she acted like you are acting towards them, would you want to be married to you? You should model the type of behavior you expect. I know this is the type of thing parents are told in relationship to their children, but you should act properly toward you spouse as well. Do you go to church on Sunday with a smile, a Bible and all your memory verses learned and then can’t wait until you get out of the church parking lot to start yelling at your spouse? You may put up a nice front with other people, but your spouse has to live with you.

Ephesians 5:22-33 are probably not your favorite verses in the Bible at this time of your life. It commands husbands to love their wives. Wives are told to submit to their husbands. Both of these statements are not conditional on the other person’s actions. Wives should submit whether their husband loves or not. Husbands should love whether their wife submits or not. Don’t look at what your spouse’s responsibility is, focus on what you are to do. Men, become the husband that loves in such a way that your wife wants to submit and reverence him. Ladies, become the wife that makes it easy for your husband to love because you are living in obedience to the commands of God.

Communicate

Remember when you actually communicated with one another and didn’t yell? I know you may be saying that you really can’t remember the last time you communicated. But there was a time that you did. Otherwise you would not have gotten married. As a dating couple you looked forward to dropping off your little brother so you could be alone with the one you loved. Your friends from high school and college, whom you vowed you would never abandon, got ditched as soon as your spouse came into your life. You found ways to be together so you could talk even when you didn’t have time in your busy schedule.

You may be finding ways to avoid one another lately. Do you take the long way home from work so you don’t have to face the tension? Remember it takes two people to argue. If you will just admit you are sorry for the way you have been acting you could diffuse some of the tension. There is no reason for you to pretend the sinful actions of your spouse don’t exist; however, you can admit your own pride and faults. You may find that your arguments will cease as soon as you take the time to tell them you are sorry.

Attack the problem together. Don’t try to win an argument just to have another notch in your belt. You can both win if you will try and solve the problem together and stop trying to have a better argument than the other person.

It is said we communicate on five different levels. The first is casual and trivial things. This includes the weather, bus schedules and sports scores. Secondly we move to factual information. This is when one person dispenses information like at a lecture. There is usually little passion and the parties are emotionally disconnected. When you move to the third level you are talking about ideas and philosophies. You begin to share things that open you up to being vulnerable because the other person might disagree with you. When you begin to share emotions, dreams and fears you have moved to the fourth level. This is where couples get to in their conversations before they get married. They may or may not move to the fifth level which is a state of total and absolute openness where everything is shared.

Where are you in these five levels of communication? Have you begun to slip backwards on the scale? If you are having trouble in your marriage you may be back to level two or one. Open yourself up and work towards sharing some dreams again.

Live Pleasing to the Lord

Your relationship with God should be your first priority. I know this goes hand in hand with the first point about praying, but this is so critical. When God is first in your life He will help you work out your other priorities. Live a life that is pleasing to Him and He will help clear up your emotion-filled mind so that you can see things from a higher perspective.

If you are in tune with the Lord and your spouse is in tune with the Lord, then you will be in tune with one another. Just because people are Christians does not mean they will never disagree with one another. However, if they will both live in agreement and obedience to the Lord, then they will be in agreement with each other. The Jesus in you will not fight with the Jesus in your spouse.

Your marital problems should be seen as a spiritual issue. You may see your anger over your spouse spending too much money at the grocery store or working too long at the office as a physical one, but you should consider it a spiritual battle to be fought together. Ask the Lord to help you both stand together and attack the problems in your marriage.

If you are not willing to take your marital problems to the Lord then you are admitting that you are part of the problem and not willing to find a solution. Admit that to God and your spouse. Ask forgiveness from your partner and God. Then between the three of you I am certain a solution will present itself.

Have you and your spouse come back from marital problems? Please share in the comments below how God gave you victory. I know this type of topic can be very emotional to discuss. If your marriage ended in divorce anyway, please keep your comments spirit filled. It helps no one to be unkind in a discussion like this.

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{ 260 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer June 12, 2014 at 6:15 am

Is anyone out there after all this time? I’m seeking advice about my third marriage (not a joke) that is not going well. I’m confused, lonely and in need of someone to listen. Thank you.

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Jack Wellman June 12, 2014 at 8:36 am

Hello Jennifer. I am not the author of this fine article but have done marital counseling. Have you spoken with your own pastor about this yet? If so, what did he say? If not, why not? We have an article that is about what are biblical grounds for divorce at this link: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/reasons-for-divorce-what-does-the-bible-say/

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Jennifer June 12, 2014 at 10:02 am

Hello Mr Wellman. I thank you for your response and consider it an answer to my prayer. I do not have a home church therefore not a pastor to speak with at this time. I appreciate the link.

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Elizabeth November 13, 2014 at 8:19 am

Dear Jennifer, I hope that you have found a home church family. It is hard to stay strong in your faith if you have no Christian fellowship. I feel very lonely myself, and even though I have a church, I have no closeness there, mainly because I am too shy (or too stubborn?) to seek it I think…at least I hope that’s the reason. I’d hate to believe that no one cares.

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John June 27, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Jennifer. Your plea for help intrigues me. Not having all the information about your situation, there seems to be an underlying issue. I’m married 45 years and have known my spouse for 50 years. The sanctity of marriage is not all hearts and flowers. It’s almost a daily challenge to keep it rolling along to being content with a partner in life. You are reaching out for help, so let it rip.. I am willing to listen.

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Jennifer June 28, 2014 at 7:50 am

John, thank you for your interest. I’ll start off by saying that the prayers of Pastor Jack and others have made an impact since my orginial comment. I’m humbled by it actually. As I said above, I’m married for the third time, and my husband is a non believer which is difficult to say the least. In the course of two divorces, four children and years of pain and suffering of broken families I’m often prone to leave this marriage and live as a single woman. God has been faithful in righting the wrongs in my life and as I’ve moved forward through the years the Lord has put His healing into place in my family. Having been married for the third time, I’m well aware marriage isn’t hearts and flowers but I learned it too late to save my children from the effects of divorce. My third husband isn’t the father of my grown children, he’s a good provider and protector, but our marriage has no spirituality so in fact, I live all of the mundane, everyday aspects of the relationship but my husband doesn’t know the Lord which makes for conflict. My husband is not a bad person, he lives for himself, his work, our home and extended families and we have more of a room-mate relationship for most of our eight year marriage.

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Jack Wellman June 28, 2014 at 10:00 am

Jennifer, thank you so much for this very encouraging comment. You have been blessed by God and none of us have any right to cast stones, me above all and if I do, it would have to be aimed at myself. My prayers are no better than anyone elses for sure but we do know who deserves all glory for it is in the Mighty Name of which we pray that is glorified and that is Jesus Christ our Lord.

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Jennifer June 28, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Pastor Jack, your prayers mean everything to me! The Lord is my shepherd but sometimes I need a bit of herding here on earth. Pastor, from what I’ve read in your articles and your comments, full of promise and discernment I can trust you as a man of God. I’m sure it’s not surprising to you how many women have never known a true Chrisitan man in their lives. Ever. I had a great family growing up but not strong convictions in my immediate family, I’m not bashing but having a Christian earthly father changes everything for young children. Therefore, with three marriages, two divorces, four children, two grandchildren, stepchildren ect..I’m striving to be a Godly woman. Also many, many women are decieved by so-called Christian men, as husbands, fathers, pastors, employers and so on. I was a victim numerous times. I write these because I feel it’s important. I’m letting God do what He will and I will wait, pray and believe in my current marriage. Praise the Lord who redeems and delivers me on a daily basis. Pastor, you are more of a blessing than you know…

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Jack Wellman June 28, 2014 at 2:16 pm

Thank you so much Jennifer. I don’t know if I am much of a man of God that you believe I am but I believe in a God-Man Who is alone worthy of praise and all glory and if there be any thanks, we can thank God and our prayers are only as powerful or effective as the God we pray to and the Mighty, glorious Name in Whom we pray and that is The Great Glorious Son of God, Jesus Christ to Whom I so long to see and fall before Him someday in worship. I am sure to see you there.

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Wendy June 29, 2014 at 9:07 am

I have read this article and am at a decision point. I have been married to my husband for 17 years, we have two teenage daughters. When we were married, we were both 20 years old with a 1 year old daughter. I think we were both in love, although now hindsight tells me differently. My husband uses to wreak of smoke early in the marriage, but his father smoked in his home so anyone who visited him would smell that way. It wasn’t until about 9 months into the marriage that I realized my husband had been hiding the fact that he smoked as well. When confronted, I was told that he didn’t want to tell me because he knew I hated smokers. Then I discovered that he used marihuana. His father died of esophageal cancer just after our first anniversary, and he told me that some if his friends were trying to help him “ease the pain with a joint.” So stupidly I believed him. Now here we are nearly tenth years later and I’m still being lied to. He hides it, has several people that he buys from, the latest one is a neighbor across the street from us who happens to be a registered sex offender. This scares me and makes me certain that I must do something. I value my for better, for worse vow, but I have to protect my children. He has graduated from college, has a Master’s degree but lacks the drive to really aim for a job that makes more than 20k a year. I make 65k and I believe that because I pay for most things, he knows he can spend at least 400 a month on smoking cigarettes and marijuana. This tends to always start disagreements between us, and he will apologize and promise, but then I find leftover remnants or see messages from his dealers. How do I cope? I love him, but it is hard to focus on moving forward.

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Jack Wellman June 29, 2014 at 12:43 pm

Hello Wendy…I am glad you love him because love is less a feeling but more about action like Jesus displayed His love for us by dying for us…not by what he felt. As you probably know, there are no biblical grounds here for divorce so let me say this. I would talk to your pastor about what this and wonder if you have talked with him yet or at all.

This man sounds like he is not saved, from your description of him and so we should pray for the Holy Spirit to convict him of his sins, to come to repentance, and trust in Christ. He sounds lost because if you read 1 John chapter 3 I see no evidence of his not continuing in sin and if a person continues in sin and does not stopped, then it appears that he is not saved. I will pray for you and pray that God humbles your husband thru circumstances because God resists the proud and but gives grace only to the humble and by his drug addiction, he is also a law breaker. I see him as a sinner, drug abuser, not motivated to support his family and the Bible says that if a husband/father doesn’t provide for his family, he is worse than an infidel (unbeliever) in 1 Tim 5:8.

God alone knows the future, so let’s pray for this man’s soul for he faces a terrible eternity without Christ someday (Rev 20) but not so with you (Rev 21, 22). Live with the end in mind, pray for God to convict and convert his heart (Prov 21:1) which He can do, talk to your pastor and see if he will go as well, if he even attends church…do you? and I know of many who are subscribed to this article that I can almost guarantee that they will be praying for you too….give it time, prayer, counsel with the pastor, and leave the results up to God and rest and trust in Him (Psalm 37). I wish I could help you more and these are times when I feel so helpless but when we are knocked down, we are already in the best position…of saying to God in prayer, “God I cannot do anymore, I leave this up to You for only You can work a miracle in this man’s life. God doesn’t help those who help themselves, God helps those who cannot help themselves. That is you right now.

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Wendy July 2, 2014 at 6:56 pm

Pastor Wellman,
Thank you so much for the quick response. Judging from your questions, there are a few more details that I should have included. We do go to church, my husband now teaches Bible Study. I do not attend because with him being the teacher I just can’t sit there and listen and participate. He asked today, just before leaving, why I am unable to support his teaching bible study. He asked, in so many words, if it was because he always lied to me and deceived me by always making promises about his drug usage and irresponsible habits. I said that it was likely that reason, and his reply was that Abraham was a liar too, so would I not listen to his teaching either? Now I am not as “knowledgeable” of bible passages, stories, and people as he is, but I believe that I have a moral blessing to know when something or someone just doesn’t seem right to me. My conscious guides me to do what is right. He constantly quotes bible verses and seems to always have a “biblical” defense to everything. I mean everything, even marijuana, claiming that it is from the earth and since it is seeded then God says that it is OK. I found that what he said about Abraham being a liar was not true if you read the entire passage, not just the verse about him telling Sarah to claim that she is his sister instead of his wife, because she was indeed his sister. That is what I fear in him teaching others. I also fear him leading by example even if it is subconscious and unintentional.

I have taken your instruction to turn it all over to God. I know that he specializes in miracles, and I believe that these trials are just a test of my faith.

Thank you for your time.

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Just A Man July 30, 2014 at 12:40 am

Hi, I just stumbled across this website and I am crying out for help! I’ve been married going on 10 years and I want to divorce my wife. At this point I am more like a roommate with 2 kids 8 & 5 years old. Without getting into a bashing session because my wife and I both have flaws, I am uninvested in this marriage emotionally. I feel like myself when I’m not in her presence and wear a mask when I get home. My job has me travel from time to time and I cherish those breaks and end up only missing my kids. I still do for my wife and help all I can but only do it out of obligation instead of love. Most conversations turn to arguments so I limit my speech. We aren’t intimate much which used to bother me, bug now I’m content with not having sex. I’ve told my wife I wanted to leave at least 2 times prior, but I always end up staying, yet here I am again. Affection is low, criticism is high (on both ends) and I just don’t want to live miserable for another 10 years. Please help!!

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Jack Wellman July 30, 2014 at 2:59 pm

My friend, thank you for your open honesty in this comment. My first question is always, have you spoken with your own pastor about this? If so, what did he say, and if not, why not sir? Would your wife be willing to go to counseling? Also, when was the last time you two, alone, went out for a date? I must tell you that love is less a feeling but more about action like Jesus displayed His love for us by dying for us…not by what he felt. As you probably know, there are no biblical grounds here for divorce so let me say this. I would talk to your pastor about what this and wonder if you have talked with him yet or at all.

I will pray for you and pray that God enables you to save this marriage for your asking for a divorce twice is not biblical, I am sure you already know this.

God alone knows the future and let me say that every marriage has difficult times. Love is not what you feel but what you do as we see the greatest display of love ever shown was on the cross by Jesus Who certainly didn’t “feel” like going there and taking on our sins. Love is not a feeling but a verb…it is what you do more than what you feel.

Marriage takes work. Let me recommend this movie that may not only change your marriage but it may change your life and its called “Fireproof” and you can click on the movie trailer to see why I recommend this movie at: http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/ Your church may have this in the church library already.

Love your wife, even though you feel she may not deserve it….pray for her even though you don’t feel like it….shower her with only good words and compliment her is sincere ways (not flattery) but in ways that are evident by the way she cares for the children, cooks, what she wears, or even the way she wears her hair. Remember that Jesus did for us while we were still His enemies and gave Himself while we were still sinners (Rom 5). Pray about the things you cannot change and then leave the results up to God and rest and trust in Him (Psalm 37). I wish I could help you more and these are times when I feel so helpless but when we are knocked down, we are already in the best position…of saying to God in prayer, “God I cannot do anymore, I leave this up to You for only You can work a miracle in my and my wife’s life. You must take responsibility too and not just blame her. By the way, God doesn’t help those who help themselves, God helps those who cannot help themselves. That is you right now.

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Just A Man August 4, 2014 at 7:59 am

Greetings to you all! I am happy to say that with your prayers and advice, I spoke to my wife and we are working through this. It was after taking some serious time to pray that I realized my relationship with God was not secure and I was looking for my wife to fill a void that only God could. Once I realized that, making a mends was truly easy. Now the road to a successful marriage appears ever more doable. I realize my love my wife, but could never love her unconditionally without my Heavenly Father’s minute-by-minute guidance. I suppose I needed an outlet to vent my feelings and this ministry gave me that! Thanks!

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Jack Wellman August 4, 2014 at 8:44 am

This is so encouraging my friend. Your situation gives us all hope for a better future, even if its not in this present life. We all need the help of our good God my friend. I appreciate you sharing this with us. Hope is a good thing and God is always better to us than we deserve.

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Kelly August 2, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Please can anyone help? I have tried & tried to keep my marriage of 5 years going, but my husband has officially checked out. We are currently separated (not legally, just residentially). We have 2 beautiful boys ages 2 and 4. Because of my husband: we had to file bankruptcy, were foreclosed on our beautiful new home we had built & started raising our family in, he drove my credit score into the ground so bad because he failed to take care of the bills properly, we now must go to court over an issue he said he handled regarding the apartment complex we had to move to (found out the hard way that he is clinically a compulsive liar), lied to his family about me causing the worst feud I’ve ever seen between my family (who is 2000 miles away) & his family who is here & ultimately cost me my job. Now unemployed with severe medical problems at the age of 32, all I want in the world are my boys. Because I have nowhere to go thus unable to take them & no income, they must stay with their father (my husband). He doesn’t want to care for them & has a bad anger management problem. He refuses to communicate with me after countless attempts & counseling. He continues to lie about EVERYTHING. He refuses to admit he needs help. He is manic depressive, high anxiety, ADD & just mean!! I had to go through a lot of therapy to make me a better person & fix things about myself that needed it. But now there is nothing more I can do. He doesn’t want to be a husband or a father yet refuses to divorce or let me take the kids. I am a wonderful mother that cherishes my sons. I do things with them & take them places while dad stays at home and plays video games. As God is my witness, that is ALL he will do. He screams at them and ignores them. So why does he insist that he will never let them go?? I don’t know what to do anymore. Please someone help me. I am begging. I pray everyday. Please please please. I can’t do this anymore & I feel broken.

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Jack Wellman August 3, 2014 at 2:59 pm

Hello Kelly and thank you for your comment and question. I think only God can help in this situation. Have you spoken with your pastor about this yet? What did he say? What did he recommend you do? Churches have deacons and they have resources to help women such as you out in cases like these.

When we are left in a hopeless & helpless situation like this, we can only depend on God and I pray that God convicts this man of his sin and that he repents and places his trust in Christ for he does not sound saved and his eternal future looks horrific (Rev 20:11-15) but yours, if you are saved, is eternal joy forever, even though for the present it is such a terrible place to be. I know you are praying every day. These are the times that I feel most helpless as a pastor in giving help to others in cases like this. I see you are already doing what you can and at your wits end. Please speak with your pastor and let me know what he says and also ask if there is something that the church can do with resources to find financial help for you at this time. I fear for your children and that this man may turn violent so stay separated right now, talk with your pastor, continue to pray, and ask other believers to pray for you and let us know what happens. I know I have been of little help. What else is there do to when we can do no more?

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Jennifer August 3, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Pastor Jack, I’m again inclined to point out your faithfulness. I appreciate you more than you can know! Thank you Jesus for Pastor Jack.

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Jennifer August 3, 2014 at 8:46 pm

Kelly, we are praying for you! Please see your Pastor and ask for guidance. As awful as it is now, please rely on our Holy Father for help, He hears you, see’s you and knows your needs. I’m praying for protection of your children! Please, take a breath, reach out to your church now! You’re not alone.

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Jack Wellman August 3, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Thank you Jennifer for your counsel and prayers for Kelly. I am with you for her sake. I thank God for your words and prayers. Very encouraging.

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Jack Wellman August 3, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Jennifer, as I just replied to you (wow…the Spirit of God moves to glorify Jesus!) that you are such an encouragement to me and I am certain to Kelly too. I am on my face for her sake and I thank God for you and give Him thanks that He sends such godly women of faith to take these tender prayers to God on for Jesus’ glory.

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Jennifer August 3, 2014 at 10:23 pm

Pastor, although my heart is heavy and my tears flow for Kelly, and many, many others who are suffering, I’m so sure in my faith for our Redeemer, who never fails us. To experience the joy that comes with understanding of the word of God, to feel His movements within me for another is a miracle each and every time. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Afraid August 12, 2014 at 9:58 am

I have bee married for 7 years. I knew from the beginning the relationship was wrong and now I feel so lost and alone. My husband has a horrible temper and is often verbally abusive but never physically. I am lonely, tired and scared and have no idea where to turn. He attends church with me but is acts different there than at home. I am considering divorce because I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. He can’t keep a job due to his inability to get along with anyone and now is on disability for his emotional issues. He is just mean most of the time. Please, someone help me!

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Jack Wellman August 12, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Hello Afraid. I am so sorry for your being in such a hard place. You must know tht you have no grounds for divorce, right? Imagine if Jesus depended upon His feelings before Calvary…He certainly would not have gone. I feel this man may not be saved. Just a quick reading of 1 John, Rom 12 & 1 Cor 13 tells me he is showing no fruit of the Spirit. Jesus said that “They will know you are mine by your love for one another.” No one can say that they love God but hate his brother or sister or wife. Talk with your pastor about this. Seek counseling together with your husband because you are bound to him for better or worse and this is most defintely the “worse” part. Pray for God to grant him repentance that he might be saved for only God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1). Love him unconditionally, like Christ loved us when we were still His enemies and still sinful (Rom 5:8, 11).

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Hurting August 24, 2014 at 3:49 am

Help! I feel like I am at the end of my marraige. I have never been someone to even consider divorce but starting to feel like it is the only option. My wife constantly puts me down and has no respect for me. She constantly call me fat and ugly. She frequently slaps me or even punches me in the face. She also shows almost no signs of ever wanting intimacy. We have a child who is almost 2 and can’t imagine having her grow up in a broken home but I doubt know that I have the strength to do it anymore. I am by no means perfect and want to work on myself as well. Please pray for me and my complicated marraige.

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Jack Wellman August 24, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thank you for your comment. I sounds like you are hurting badly. Have you spoke with your pastor about this? Read 1 John chapter 3 or the whole book of 1 John and see if this woman is saved compared to what you see in her life. You don’t have the strength so you must rely on God’s strength. When we can do nothing more, God is able to help us by strengthening us. Please know that I pray for your marriage. I also pray that if this woman is not saved, that she is convicted of her sins, repents, and trusts in Christ because it doesn’t sound like she is really saved at all but if God can change pagan king’s heart (Prov 21:1) and a Saul into a Paul He can change anyone.

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Elizabeth November 13, 2014 at 8:26 am

If no one has said it to you, please hear now. Men can be and are often victims of abuse. Obviously the verbal abuse is not Christlike and God-willing prayer and love can change that, but the physical abuse is dangerous for both of you and your child. Please seek assistance. There is no shame in asking for help – it takes a true person of character to seek assistance. http://www.thehotline.org/2014/07/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/

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Krissy Billings August 25, 2014 at 10:25 pm

I am scared to death. My marriage is falling apart at the seams. My husband and I have been married for a little over 16 years, and about 3 years ago it started to slowly unravel. We are both Christians, and we have tried everything we know to do. .. Pray, read His Word, seek Christian counsel at our church, marriage seminars, u name it. We have finally succumbed to living apart. We stayed apart for a few weeks, things got so much better, stayed together again for about a week, and it turned sour again. We decided to split again today. I have spent so many of these 16 years in depression bc he never trusted me and always had to check up on me, even tho I wouldn’t dream of ever hurting him or God for that matter. I know God is always watching. I have never given him a reason to be so controlling. In the beginning, my friends were cut out, I moved to his town and left mine for him, and it got to where he couldn’t stand for me to go ANYWHERE (not even to visit my mother!). I prayed and prayed for that behavior to settle down and for him to trust me. Now however, it has gone from that extreme to the complete opposite. Be doesn’t care about anything i do at all, no love either. It changed when I got sick. I have been thru 5 surgeries on my abdomen, and then after those, I began to have several health problems which basically put me in the bed. .. constantly. I felt bad for not being able to take care of him and our 4 children anymore. That’s when he began to swing from over – protective to not caring. He felt that I didn’t care for him and the kids, which was far from the truth. And I also felt that he didn’t care about me because be wasn’t there for my time of sickness (which is now slowly getting better and I’m beginning to gain my strength and energy back – yet he still thinks I’m not changing), he only was “there for me” (even in his over-protective state) when I was well and healthy and bending over backwards to make him happy and taking care of the house and kids. He quit giving any affection after our first was born almost 16 years ago. I have yearned for his love and affection, and I yearn to have a happy marriage. I know that the devil is working his hands in this and it makes him happy to see this. I have turned to God and keep turning to God. I know His Will is for our marriage to work and for us to have a HAPPY marriage, not one that it’s been. So I am asking for prayers that God puts His Healing Hand on our marriage beginning right now – even as we are apart. To please bring us back together, til death do us part. I signed up for this marriage for life, no matter what! Thank u all so much, and God bless each and every one of you and your marriages (even those who have yet to come onto this page yet. .. God knows who u are! )

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Jack Wellman August 26, 2014 at 12:15 pm

Hello Mrs. Billings and thank you for your honesty in this comment. You’re in such a hard place my friend but what amazes me is your desire to be obedient to God and continue to pray and not give up on this marriage. Your faith is so strong even admist your terrible situation. You are like a spring flower that is blooming in a wasteland that should not bloom at all but I believe it is because you have a deep, taproot that extends down into the parched, dry land and are taking in from the river of life that is from God alone. It is women like you and your powerful testimony that give others hope….wow….I thank God for women of faith like you….having enduring so much pain and agony, yet remain faithful to God in striving to save this marriage. You have my prayers Mrs. Billings but also my admiration because of your deep desire to obey God, rely on Him, not give up and walk away when many, many others would in your case. The Spirit of God is obviously alive and active and working in you. I will pray and desire others who are subscribed to this to pray for this woman for God to keep strengthening her among the many, deep hurts and that God will convict this man of his sinful ways and to return to his love and bride to restore this marriage and for the purpose and glory of Jesus Christ, we all pray and say, amen.

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Mike September 6, 2014 at 3:56 pm

I am scared and feel guilty that my marriage is falling apart. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and now separated for two months now. We are a blended marriage with three boys, one is from my previous marriage (age 28) and the other two are her boys which still lived at home (ages 14 & 21). I try to treat them all the same but it is hard and my wife says she sees the difference, it seems our pasts have collided and caused our separation. I came into our marriage being financially further long and owned a house. I know I have made mistakes protecting myself and my son, my wife feels like I did not put her above my son. I have made decision based on my son and what my ex did to make me feel this way. We started our marriage based on a foundation of God and I was going to lead the family, but my work rotating shift schedule made it hard, not being able to attend services regularly and I got a little lazy. I should have sold the house and got our own and the living trust should have been updated to our trust even though my wife was named in it. She currently doesn’t want to speak with me and has not mentioned divorce, but I don’t know where this is headed. I have asked for forgiveness and tried to repent for my shortcomings, but she is prideful and will nor humble herself. I’ve asked her to go to counseling, but she said she is not ready and has to work on herself. I know we both have issues we need to work on, because blended families are difficult. We are separately working with a pastor, but getting through each day is tuff. I now see the effects of why God hates divorce, having children out of wedlock and not following God’s plan can effect a marriage. I know in my heart it was for better or worse and I would not walk out on our marriage, I am worried she may not live up to her commitment of better or worse.

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Jack Wellman September 7, 2014 at 1:07 pm

I am so sorry Mike. All you can do is to trust God, stay in His Word, stay in prayer, and love her unconditionally like God loves us despite our flaws and sins. Only God can change this woman’s heart (Prov 21:1) so wait on Him and be the best husband you can be and leave the rest up to God.

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HG September 13, 2014 at 7:02 pm

Hi, just wondering if anyone is still here. I’m having a really hard time deciding if divorce is the right option for me. I always swore to myself that when I finally got married it would be for good. But I’m just so miserable in my marriage.

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Jack Wellman September 13, 2014 at 7:41 pm

Hello HG. What seems to be the problem with your marriage? Could I help in some way?

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Rachael September 19, 2014 at 9:57 pm

I am a mother of 2 and i have been with my husband for 5 years, we have always been a team and loving, caring, and kind to each other. my husband is a drug addict and i didn’t know until after our son was born his brother ended up telling me because i caught them in one of their lies and that was 3 years ago, and that day i confronted him and i had no insight on drug addiction or what different kind of drugs were because i have never done them due to it is just a horrible way to live and i did not have a father my whole life due to his drug addiction. so when i found out i was a mess i couldnt believe that I ended up with a addict, those were people i thought so poorly of and had no respect for because i was so angry at my dad, but then here i was in love with one and married to one!!! he told me that he would quit and he would do it on his own, he was taking opiates then he got put on the suboxone because he was unable to do it on his own and he was supposed to go to support groups and never did and just this past may his doctor did away with him because he was not doing what was required. so here i am 3 years later and he is not clean and hasn’t been and his addiction has only gotten worse. and now it is taking a toll on our relationship. he use to be so encouraging and no matter how bad of a situation we were in he always looked on the bright side and would tell me everything would be okay and he has always supported us and never let us go without, and ever since that happened with his doctor we have been enduring so much suffering, finical problems, car broke down, we are barely getting by, and there are quite a few other things but just yesterday our landlord called and said that someone wants to buy the house we are renting and this house was supposed to be off the market in june and then just my luck apparently it is still for sale!! so now we may be losing home to. ever since that day at the doctor one bad thing after another has happened and losing our home is just made me want to give up all hope. he wont talk to me anymore and if i ask him what he is going to do and if he is going to get help he says its to hard and i say well you need help or we are going to leave and he tells me just to go. i am so sad, i am losing everything and on top of it i have almost completely lost the love of my life. he has always been a firm believer in god and if something is wrong he will tell me why god does stuff just explain things to me biblicaly, he quit going to church with me he doesn’t read his bible or have any faith or hope left. he wont open up to me and he takes everything out on me and i just don’t know what to do., after all of the suffering and loss that has happened to my famly in just these few short months i thought things would start to look up and more and more seems to be getting taken and now i feel like i have completely lost him and i asked god to help him over come this addiction so he can be a father again, and will live the right way and support our family and most of all live for god because i know that is why our whole life is falling apart he is living in sin and not asking for gods help, and i would just like to ask you all to please pray for him he is a wonderful husband and father and a good man! thank you

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Jack Wellman September 20, 2014 at 9:27 am

Thank you Rachel. I will pray with you and hope that others will join with us in praying for God’s intervention and that your husband sees the need to repent and get some help and that God spares you all more grief by not being homeless. Have you ever spoken with your pastor about this? If so, what did he say?

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Amanda October 13, 2014 at 3:09 pm

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have 3 beautiful sons. I came into marriage with the idea that divorce was not even something to be discussed let alone acted on. We were both Christian who did not drink, sleep around or do drugs (so I thought). Before getting married I had never dated or even had a crush on anyone else. I had always thought I would never marry, but at age 23 I met a guy I thought I could not live without. I got to know who I thought he was and loved him and 2 years later got married for life or so I thought. About 2 months after we wed, I got sick and had to leave the country for medical treatment. During this time I caught him on a dating website. I confronted him and he convinced me it was just for fun, that he was bored without me, but that he would never act on it and I believed him. I got better, praise God, and came back (it was nearly a year later though). Anyways long story short 2 years ago a woman met me in the church bathroom during a service on adultery. (I had just gone it to wipe my son’s nose) I introduced herself and she was crying so I asked her what what wrong. She said I should talk to my husband. I was confused but I did ask him and he said she tried to get him to have sex with her, but they didn’t do anything. Again I believed him until the pastor came to our house a few weeks later and he had to give the real story how he had met her on a dating website and told her he was single he went to her place and they had sex on 4 different occasions. He was the one who invited her to church, where, inevitably, she met me. By the time I heard he had already broken it off about 4 months earlier and I was already pregnant with our second born. I had had no clue. I mean he came home every night, and like to help his buddies by driving them places since they had no car (Or so I thought). I decided to follow his online things more closely and found out that before while we were engaged he also had oral sex with another woman. Anyways, he confessed and said it was all over, he would never do it again (which by now, I am kicking myself for believing) he and got off the dating website. I forgave him, assuming it was a one time mistake he would never repeat. But I came to find out he had a number of women on tagged and on a fake facebook account. Just last month I decided I should contact some of these women just to make sure they knew he was married. I put a picture of the 2 of us together with our sons and added some of the women and the comments I got . . . None of them knew he was married, and at least 3 of them said they had met him, 2 even claiming they had had sex (without condoms), which my husband is now telling me he told a bunch of them to say that because I should not have been snooping on his fake account. He told them I was a crazy ex trying to get him back. He still will not admit he slept with them, he even swore on the Bible that he did not have sex with these women. He says he made a mistake once with that first lady and regrets it every day, which is why he could never have done it again. I just don’t feel like I can believe him this time. And that being said I can’t believe I am supposed to go on living with a man that is having unprotected sex. I know divorce is a last resort and if I could believe that it was just once, 2 years ago, I could go on, but if it is continuing, I can’t. Don’t know if should try to convince myself he is telling the truth or just mark it up as he lied before he is doing it again. I need help!

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Jack Wellman October 13, 2014 at 7:28 pm

Would the two of you consider going back for marriage counseling with the pastor? Have you already done this? This man sounds so terribly deceitful and you might tell him that you are about done with him on this marriage and that if anything else like this happens again, then you have biblical grounds for divorce and this means that he will have to legally support you and the children. From his long years of ongoing adultery, I believe you already have biblical grounds but I am so glad you want to save this marriage. Try to do this. Tell your husband you want to save this marriage but if it ever happens again, this shows that he has never repented and has continued to lie to you and continue in years-on-end adultery and your trust is gone.

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Sad Lady October 17, 2014 at 12:16 pm

Hi, I really enjoyed this article and figured I’d ask for prayer for my situation. I’ve been married 4 years and we have 3 young children. My husband and I had issues very early in our relationship about sex. It seems that what I had to give was never enough, we argued about sex all the time even into our 2 year of marriage . I tried the best that I could to be available for him and when I wasn’t he would be upset and bring up my past experiences with other guys because he felt that he was entitled to sex when he wanted because he married me and the other guys did not. He would say that I didn’t love him and would make me feel very cheap. One night he told me that because I wasn’t able to give him sex he had a sexual fantasy about my best friend in order for him to take care of himself. I was so heart broken but forgave him ( at least I thought I did). During our third year of marriage I met an older guy at work who was always making small talk and it developed into flirting. After two weeks of talking to him over the phone I decided to end the emotional affair and confess to my husband. He was very upset and asked me to quit my job, now as I look back I should have quit but I was certain that I wouldn’t do anything since I had confessed. I was mostly victorious with not speaking to the guy at work but I times we exchanged looks and words that was inapropriate and I would sometimes confess those to my husband. He responded by starting sexual text conversation with that same friend. Once I found out, he was upset and finally the daily anxiety drove him insane. He said that he would divorce me if I didn’t quit my job, I once again refused and he and he burned out wedding album and we had a big fight. We lived in the house as strangers and I sought comfort in the arms of the man from work. In the end I physically cheated on him, I lied about it at first but then the next day he said the holy spirit revealed to him that I was lying and I told him the truth. Since then we have gone to counseling. He has filed divorce papers but have decided to stay for the kids. Since he has come back home I can say that I am a different person than I was before. The Lord has truly shown me where my priorities have been flipped. I began to love and serve my husband in a way that I never have and desired to. I have seen my faults and continue to search for them daily. I had to accept God’s forgiveness and allow myself to forgive myself and to love the new creature God is creating in me. I love who I am becoming and wish with all I have that we didn’t have to go through this in order for this new me to be created. Sadly, my husband has not fully forgiven me, in his hurt and having a hard heart he has also become a new person but in a negative way. He is having a hard time doing some of the things that the article stated and I try my best to encourage him in the Lord. I don’t say much anymore because he doesn’t want to hear from me about spiritual things so I just pray for him. Our conversations stays around 1 and 2. He said that although he has ground for divorce he feels that God is not telling him to leave, especially since this would be his 2 divorce. I feel like we are roommates and I also feel some of the same negative emotions that I felt in the beginning of our marriage are coming back. Like I’m not enough. So I am asking for your prayers that I stay strong in the Lord and realize that my relationship with Christ is vital and should be the reason for all my decisions and keeping myself pure for the sake of Christ. And that my husband’s relationship with Christ will prosper. Sorry this story is so long. May God bless you, thank you in advance for your prayers.

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Jack Wellman October 17, 2014 at 8:29 pm

Praying for sure my friend. I believe many others are still active on this article and I pray they can join with us my friend.

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Defeated October 29, 2014 at 12:52 am

Hello. I’m a new Christian (5 months) and my story is a two way street. I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years. 2 kids, 9 and 2. My entire childhood I was raised unbalanced. Had a great mother but a bad father who taught me drunk, abuse, adultery, and having kids in bunches. He left us when I was in early teens. I was never taught to be a good dad, husband, or man. Needless to say, what he did show me was all I knew. For many years I was a bad husband and an Ok dad. I drank, partied, lied and committed adultery. My wife was a Christian way before me and for a couple years she prayed for me that I would change. This January I reflected on everything and came to conclusion that I was not happy with how I’ve been with my family. So I took it upon myself to change. I stopped drinking, stopped going out with single friends, stopped video games which took up my time and made me angry, and kept focus on her only. While I did all that, she started an affair with another married man. I was so shocked and hurt because I never thought she was capable. We argued of course. After thinking the rest of that day, I decided to get past it since I had put her through so much. We started counseling and going to church. Church was going so good that after a few counseling sessions we decided to stop going there and stick with church. A month later I found out that they were still messaging in secret but when I confronted her, they are just “friends”. Argued and she got mad that I invaded her privacy for going through her phone. I had gut feelings and I had to check. But ok… I’ve done worse. She we kept working at it. Another few weeks go and I check our phone bill and see that instead of raising our 2 yr old while she stays at home, she’s messaging the guy and his friend throughout the entire time I’m at work… Every day. Another fight and by this time, I’m starting to lose my sanity. Still going to church, I gave my life to Jesus late spring. I prayed and prayed for us. A week later I find on her phone they’re still messaging. Her ground she used is that I’m invading her privacy and that I did worse years ago when I confessed to her. She always threw that in my face, the past this, the past that. But ok… Kept working for the marriage. The gut feelings never stopped. It’s mid summer and I’ve had many suspicions based on weird things happening, like finding a unexplained men’s shirt. At a different time, underwear. It’s late summer and I caught her in a huge lie and made me realize she had always been lying all this year. I found a “plan b” pill box she threw away. She tried to deny for a little bit but gave in shortly after. Still threw my past at me. The next day I’m looking up info for divorce. The day I brought the papers to fill out, she took “a drive”. I called her in anger and jealousy and all she would say is leave her alone to think and pray. I was so sure she met up with the guy again. She got home and saw me filling out the papers and went to bed. The next day she wants to work at it and she has a new motto about love and faith and all that. About a week later, I caught her again. Was out of town. Came home early and got there at a perfect time. Door was locked so I had to wait for her to open. She took longer than usual. I hear a noise on the other side and when I went around, he was already running off. I went inside and she was half dressed but said they were just talking (it was midnight). I saw an unopened plan b on the counter. Went to church alone the following day. That Monday I filed for divorce. A week later I filed a waiver. The next day she came to me crying. She looked repented. She looked sorry and she apologized. But she said her feelings for me were gone and she wished they would return. I said, in God we must trust and he will restore us. We reconciled… For a few days. She started acting with a hardened heart again. They kept messaging. Less frequent, but she never dropped him from her life. My pastor told me the same as you are saying to the people… Pray for both. Pray for reconciliation. Pray that we work it out. I did and alot of it. But we grew apart. Once a Christian who prayed for her husband for years, when he comes around its too late, she’s moved on. For over half a year I have been living in agony and torture. For 6 months I had the same gut feeling and the same bad thoughts that, now thinking back, they messed around more than I’ve caught. One day I told her that I don’t want divorce and she got mad and said if I cancel it, she will file.

2 weeks ago I finally said to God that I accept what’s happening, and I just want to get it over with and be in peace. For 2 weeks I have been in peace. There’s been moments where there’s a little pain, but I pray and it helps. In 2 weeks we will legally be able to divorce, and I know deep in my heart that they have something planned as it seems his marriage is over too. She’s on her phone 10 hours a day everyday, and I’m no fool. I chose to forgive many times because she hasn’t done anything I haven’t in my past, except the duration of the affair and number of times. We talk very little but that’s because I go to a different room or I take my kids to the park, but we’re peaceful to one another for the most part. We’re both convinced we’re at a point of no return. We’re under the same roof but she’s moved on. And me, I pray for strength everyday. And I feel better when i believe that God had someone better for me.

During the last couple months I’ve truly and genuinely changed. I blamed my dad my whole life for what’s happened in my marriage. I even called him to let it all out. I felt better after. And then I forgave him. And I asked for forgiveness for blaming him. I want to be the greatest person who’s full of love, and I pray He gives me someone who is kind and sweet beyond belief someday. I love church days and get sad when the session is over because it’s the only place where I feel great and optimistic.
I have a baptism date set and I can’t wait.

Sometimes I wonder if these events are a blessing in disguise. Once a bad person, I did a 180 degree turn with my life with the help of God and now all I want to do is love someone completely and genuinely, and have someone to do the same for me. Of course my kids are here and I never want to leave their side, but I’m in the military and eventually I will have to transfer. She wants to stay in this area… Hmm?!?!

Sorry if too long.

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Jennifer October 29, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Dear NOTdefeated, our Heavenly Father has promised us freedom from defeat through and by the sacrifice and blood of His only Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Your ability to put into words the suffering of your family is quite remarkable and my heart goes out to you at this confusing, life changing time. Be assured that God makes everything for the good of His people and with Him you are strengthened, upheld by His mighty presence. No matter what happens!

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. —Matthew 11:28

My prayers are with you.

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beauté November 16, 2014 at 4:50 pm

I am in pain to the point I can’t feel my heart beating.
I have been married to my husband for 9 years and we have two kids together. The things this man have put me through has turned me into someone I hate. My husband has no sympathy, empathy, lies, cheat and try to manipulate me. During our marriage my husband cheated at least 3 times.last two years after loosing his job, he didn’t even look for new one because they don’t pay good enough while I am left alone to pay everything and take care of the kids. My husband only cares about his male friends who drink, go to clubs and cheat on their wives as well. My husband has no respect for me what so ever. He will leave the house 8 am and doesn’t come back until 11th or later. My husband cheats on me while I was pregnant and going through cancer treatment. He never went to the hospital with me once for support. After a week of separation, we decide to go to counseling. Now he stop going to counseling. The worst is that he still goes to church.
My husband never spend time with me or the kids. Never do anything as family. Not even pictures.
I want to start over and find love but this man besides all that won’t leave my house or my life.

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Jack Wellman November 16, 2014 at 5:19 pm

If you are still legally married, he doesn’t have to leave your house. Since he is continuing in adulterous affairs and shows no signs of repentance, then you have biblical grounds for divorce but this man needs to be saved as he doesn’t sound anything like a Christian at all (read the book of 1 John). Have you spoken with your pastor? Talk to him too. If so, what did he say? Since you still go to church together tell your pastor about this! Call him and tell him. I fear this man will face a terrible eternity (Rev 20:11-15) but we don’t live for today but for eternity and your future is infinitely more joyful for all time (Rev 21, 22) but his is dread, doom, suffering, and tornment so pray for his soul because only God can change his heart (Prov 21:1) and even a Saul can become a Paul.

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Jack Wellman August 4, 2014 at 8:50 am

Amen Jennifer. I see your tender heart for the members of Christ’s body and when we share in their suffering, we are doing it for Christ Himself. Thank you for all you do for Him and for us and those who are needing help and prayers.

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