What Does The Bible Say About Adultery? Five Important Lessons

by Robert Driskell · Print Print · Email Email

Infidelity.com reports that 57% of American men and 54% of American women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have been in.  The same site reports that 53% of American marriages end in divorce and that 74% of men and 68% of women says they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught. 1  These are depressing statistics, to say the least.

What Does The Bible Say About Adultery?

Adultery is not only a sin against one’s mate, but an attack on the sanctity of marriage, and a course of conduct that can cause havoc in many people’s lives.

Adultery is a Sin against God and One’s Spouse

Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary defines ‘adultery’ as: “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband”.2   It is also known as infidelity.  Adultery is not only a sin against one’s mate, but an attack on the sanctity of marriage, and a course of conduct that can cause havoc in many people’s lives.  Adultery is also most importantly a sin against God.

Marital failures, and many other destructive conditions, exist because of sin.  They exist because humans have decided that their way is better than God’s way.  They have decided that fulfilling their desires is more important than obeying and glorifying the Creator/Sustainer of the universe.  Nevertheless, the Christian must learn what the Bible says about adultery in order to see it the way God sees it.  Only when we change our views to line up with God’s views can we live the full, blessed life He has waiting for us.

In the Old Testament, God Declared Adultery to be a sin Deserving Death

When God set apart a nation to be His special people, He gave them a set of basic guidelines for living.  They were the basis for every other law He would give them.  These laws were a written record of the way God expects His people to behave.  The seventh commandment God gave His people was, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14).  God knew that the heart of humankind would naturally seek to fulfill every desire it experienced.  God gave these laws to make His holy standards clear.

God viewed adultery as being a sin so terrible that it was punishable by death.  “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10; cf. Deuteronomy 22:22).  If we ever think that God takes adultery, or any other sin, lightly, we should remember what penalties and punishments He assigned to them.

Adultery is not just an outward action

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).  This tells us that adultery can take place within the heart [mind] and is just as sinful as an outward act.  The sin of the mind may not affect as many other people, families, and friends as the outward physical act, but it is still a sinful affront to the holiness of God.  This applies to the prevalence of pornography in our culture.  Often claimed to be a ‘victimless offense’, the damage pornography does to the heart of the one involved in it, and often to those around him/her, can be just as devastating.  Pornography and adultery often go hand in hand.

Adultery can keep you out of the Kingdom of God

In First Corinthians 6:9-10, the apostle Paul lists some sins that, if continued in without confession and repentance, will prevent the practitioner from entering God’s kingdom, “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”.  Included in this list is the sin of adultery.  This further emphasizes how serious God views this sin.  He knew the devastating effects adultery has on individuals and families and He wanted to protect us from that heartbreak.  He still feels the same today.

David and Bathsheba: A Biblical Case Study of Adultery

Second Samuel 11-12 tells the story of how the great King David, of whom God called, ‘a man after my own heart’ (Acts 13:22; I Samuel 13:14), committed adultery.  There are several lessons that should be learned from this story.

1. No one is immune to temptation.

When King David was a child, he slew a giant.  Then God chose him to be the second king of Israel.  The Bible also says that David was a mighty warrior (I Samuel 18:7-8).  However, he still fell prey to the fleshly temptation of lust.  We must never think we have reached a station in life, or a spiritual condition, where we can no longer be tempted to sin.  We must always stay in a close relationship to God, so that He strengthens us to resist temptation.  We are never strong enough on our own.  No matter who we are.

2. Stay in the will of God

“In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel.  And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah.  But David remained at Jerusalem” (I Samuel 11:1).

Second Samuel Verse 1 says that it was, “the time when kings go out to battle”.  However, where was David?  He had stayed behind.  He was not where he was supposed to be.  Instead of being with his men in battle, as was customary and appropriate, David was indulging in some inappropriate leisure time activity.  Many times, we are most vulnerable to temptation when we have strayed out of God’s will.

3. Do not let sin dwell in your mind

As David was idly walking around on his roof, he saw a woman named Bathsheba bathing.  Instead of turning immediately away, fleeing sexual immorality (I Corinthians 6:18), and seeking the face of God, he lingered and let sin take hold of his heart.  Once the sin in his heart had taken hold, he acted upon it, sinned with Bathsheba, and she became pregnant (II Samuel 11:2-5).  If we allow sin to linger in our thoughts it will inevitably take root.

4. Do not try to cover up sin; repent and seek God’s forgiveness (II Samuel 11:6-13).

David tried to cover his sinful behavior by bringing Bathsheba’s husband back from the battlefield.  David hoped that Bathsheba and her husband would sleep together and everyone would believe it was this marital union that resulted in Bathsheba’s pregnancy.  However, Bathsheba’s husband refuse to lay with his wife while the other men remained on the battlefield without him.  It seems that Bathsheba’s husband had more morals than King David did in some matters.

Although David could have confessed and repented at this point, he decided to try another cover up.  He had Bathsheba’s husband sent back into battle, placed on the front lines, and then abandoned to face death at the hands of the enemy.  King David had Bathsheba’s husband murdered in the hope of covering his own sinful behavior.  An important lesson to be learned from this is that one sin leads to another, oftentimes worse, sin if the sinner does not confess to God and repent of the sinful conduct (Romans 6:19).

5. God Will Even Forgive Adultery.

Second Samuel 12:1-15 tells us that Nathan, David’s beloved friend, confronted David with his sin.  The mighty Kind David’s heart was broken when he realized how he had sinned against God and grieved God’s heart.  David repented, asked for God’s forgiveness, and was forgiven.

Today, God offers that same forgiveness.  When one comes to faith in Jesus Christ, by confessing and repenting of his or her sin, God is faithful to remove the guilt, shame, and future penalty that sin carried with it.  By committing one’s life to Christ, a person becomes a new creation (II Corinthians 5:17), no longer helpless to resist temptation, but empowered by the indwelling Holy Spirit.

This forgiveness is reiterated in the New Testament by Paul, writing to the Corinthians.  Recall the verses mentioned earlier in I Corinthians listing some of the sins that will prevent one from entering the kingdom of God.  Paul did not leave the Corinthian Christians without hope.  The next verse says, “And such were some of you.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11).

Whether the sin is adultery or something else, Jesus Christ has paid the price for our forgiveness by His death, burial, and resurrection.  No one has sinned too much or too long to be forgiven.  The offer of salvation is for everyone (John 3:16) who is willing to confess and repent of his or her sins and turn their lives over to the Almighty Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of the world.

Related Articles:


The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”

1. http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html

2. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/adultery

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{ 93 comments… read them below or add one }

Derek Hill August 4, 2012 at 10:10 am

This was very well written Robert. Thank you for your insights on this topic that can be touchy. Adultery is and always will be a sin. It is so true how adultery affects an entire family and not just the two people at fault. I have seen many people separate over this issue and it is very sad. Children are left behind as they must now have to share time with their mommies and daddies. I feel like the children suffer the most. What once was a union where a mom and dad were united together is completely devastated. Thank you for your encouragement that God will always forgive. I hope and pray that anyone who reads this article will believe that and ask for repentance today. This article really hit home with me. Thank you for your words of wisdom. You did a great job!

In His Name Always,


Jack Wellman August 4, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Robert, this is so sobering my friend. In all my life, I have never seen so many marriage problems as I do today. I love what you said that no one is immune. The moment I become full of pride over this, saying at least I don’t do that, I set myself up for the fall because pride makes God oppose us. Thank you for the clarity and veracity of the work here to show us just how God sees this and we ought to see adultery as God sees it.


Robert August 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Thank you Jack,
Divorce is so destructive, and Derek is right, if kids are involved it’s even worse on them. But there is comfort and hope in Jesus Christ, for those still married and for those who have already divorced. Every day I see that nothing is the way it should be unless it has been done for the glory of God. Stay strong brother.
Yours in Christ,


Robert August 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Thank you Derek,
In this permissive culture we live in, I don’t see how any marriage can last if God is not the center of that relationship. I just want to encourage people and remind them to be vigilant to protect their marriage bond by dedicating it to God every second of every day. I too have been divorced and know the havoc it can cause. But I also have experienced the redemption that God can bring when I turned my life over to Him completely. God bless you Derek.
Yours in Christ,


Steven August 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

The main cause of adultery is sex idolatry.


Robert August 7, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Thank you for reading and commenting. You make a good point. God made us sexual creatures, but also laid out the parameters within which we may exercise our sexuality. Sex is designed for marriage, a man and a woman. You are right, in that when we turn sex into an idol, we no longer are in control of it, rather it controls us. God bless you.
Yours in Christ,


Ajayi kayode August 9, 2012 at 10:16 am

Thank you Robert,may God almirghty be with you.but what of unmarried youth that has take sex as there food,is it good to have sex before marriage?


Robert Driskell August 9, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Hello Ajayi,

The Bible indicates that the only appropriate exercise of sex is within a marriage relationship between a man and a woman. The Bible speaks much about the sinfulness of ‘fornication’ [which simply means ‘sex outside of marriage].

I Corinthians 6:8-10 tells us that those who practice sexual immorality [fornication] will not inherit the Kingdom of God. There are many other verses that reinforce the fact that sexual immorality is sinful (I Corinthians 15:50; Galatians 5:21; Ephesians 5:5; I Timothy 1:9; Hebrews 13:4; Revelation 21:8). So, the Bible is very clear that engaging in sexual behavior outside of marriage is sinful.

However, as with any other sin, if the sinner confesses his or her sin and repents of it, God will forgive. I always say, no one has sinned too much or for too long that God won’t forgive them if they repent and ask for His forgiveness. God desires for the sinner to come to Him, we must do all we can to help that take place.

God bless you Ajayi. Trust in God always.

Yours in Christ,


Rae September 17, 2012 at 9:53 am

Please pray for me to be obedient to God’s will for my life. Unfortunately I have wandered off the path and allowed my desires to lead me eventhough I know it’s the wrong way to live. It’s not like I dont know God!
I have realized that the wrongs, hurts, disappointments that have occurred in my past have caused me to long (desire) for the right (meaningful) things in life, but obtain them in the absolute wrong way. I want to live a life that is truly 100% pleasing to Christ!!!! I really do!!! HELP!


Robert September 18, 2012 at 7:04 am

I will pray for you and your situation. You can always trust God and His love for you. I would like to give you a couple of verses from the Bible to encourage and strengthen you.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13 ESV). This is a promise from God that He will never leave you to face temptation alone.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:7-8 ESV). This tells us that our strength comes from our relationship with God. If we have moved away from Him, we will be weak and unable to resist temptation, or the devil. But, if our relationship with God is what it is supposed to be, He will strengthen us in our battles. I would also recommend reading Romans 12:1-2 on surrendering to God
God bless you.
Yours in Christ,


D v Aguilar January 15, 2013 at 6:23 am

You must die to self. Quit worshipping yourself and trust in Christ’s sacrificial death and resurrection for sin. We either love GD through our being regenerated or we love our selves in unrighteousness! That’s it plain and simple.


Kris July 8, 2013 at 12:05 am

Good article and good answers to the questions put forth.

Some practical ways to avoid being where temptation is more likely to confront you is wise. Avoiding activities and environments where there are likely people and influences that emphasize sexuality and sensuality. People who do not take the danger of sin seriously, or are lacking in respect of things and influences that encourage sinful thoughts and ideas.

Coming out from sinful living is helped by taking the Word seriously in it’s warnings of how to ‘keep ‘ your temple which is God’s temple! Learning that our bodies are not our own but His helps a lot. If you would not expect Jesus to be actively involved in an activity then it is good to avoid it.

Jesus did eat with sinners but he did not keep company or allow sinful relationships to defile his intentions to obey God . He always did the will of His father and when tempted he kept in mind ‘ It is written’ thus his example is to keep the Word of God Fresh in your mind.

We are in the world but not to become OF it …that is we are to refute things that come into our minds and take captive every thought to the obedience of the knowledge of Christ . We CAN do this and must decide to take an active part in keeping ourselves out of environments or making close friendships with people who do not understand or want to keep their lives free from sin.

We are surrounded in our culture with hyper sexual images and sounds….music lyrics which assault the mind while we shop even! We may avoid many things that we can by choices which are wise. If we are in situations which are unavoidable [ such as in a store or driving past some billboards] we are still able to control our thoughts by holding scriptures in mind that remind us of what God says .

When I got married my husband was not understanding of these things as he was fairly new born in the faith. He refused to take to heart the things that I had learn about what to do to keep temptations , especially lustful ones, to a minimum.
HE would not listen and was dismissive and would not try to understand what I told him about the lyrics of songs he played over and over in his head during the day …or the company he began to develop attachments to . He eventually became closer and closer with those who enjoyed life in many sinful ways . He began to mock me and the wisdom that would have protected not just me and our family and marriage but himself

Soon ‘drinks after work to engage and build morale among the co workers led to affections …Along with neglect of me and our family. Alcohol plus impulsive and reckless choices to go along with the crowd for ‘fun’ led to his infidelity and ongoing neglect of me and our children.

There is NO season of marriage or child rearing where a man is not needed for this wife and children.All neglect of the marriage and family lead away from a life which is useful and productive to glorify God and to build godliness into the lives of those in the jurisdiction of a husband and father. It is a very serious and tremendously privileged position to be the leader and head of a family.

No matter how many may ‘agree’ together that a man is not ‘needed’ in a family that does not change …he has great influence even if he does not want it …my husband told me he did not want to be the head or leader of our family …He was anyway .He taught our children that the bible time was for women and children and when grown a man could do whatever he wanted without anyone to tell him what to do!

This is very destructive….he will answer for this if he will not repent..He continues to disregard the warnings now even as he is trying to parent the children of the OW he had with her….she has had the greater influence and she has turned them away from GOD since she does not know Him nor care to .

Sin is deadly! Choose LIFE!

The scriptures tell us that ‘evil companions corrupt good morals’ for a reason,

He grew his affection for those who knew no reason to avoid sin and he soon wanted their approval more than he cared about GOD or me.

His choice to disregard my effort to tell him how his neglect of me and our first child led him into a life of deeper sin and degradation …to eventually having a 14 year adulterous arrangement with a woman who did not want marriage but did want children by him so she could entrap him financially and otherwise.

He is a very sorrowful man today because he would not heed the warning to stop building relationships with others who did not love God or care about his soul . His adultery has harmed all of us …including the OW and the children she wanted for her own use.

It is wise to think before developing habits which take you into various environments and think that they are not going to have an influence upon you .Keep in the Word and keep yourself from the ‘idols’ of independent choices made apart from the wisdom of God.


Dan October 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Thanks so much for this article. One point I’d like to make though is that pornography can actually be more devastating to a marriage then a physical affair. If there is another person involved – at least you can “compete” with that. You can see the what needs to be corrected in your own behavior and get your heart right with God. You can stop. But with porn, it’s available 24/7, free, and there is NO way to compete with it. Porn destroys marriages. Porn will stay forever, lurking in the background, the devil’s number tool against not only marriage, but man kind. Thank you for listening. I pray you will take a harder stand against pornography. If I have misunderstood you, then please forgive me.


Robert October 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Hi Dan,
Thanks for reading and commenting. You make very good points. If I wasn’t clear in the article, let me state unequivocally that I view pornography as a terrible sin that can destroy relationships and lives. Jesus said, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28 KJV). Therefore, we know that pornography is a sin, even if it does not result in outward action. As a sin, it both interferes with our relationship with God and with others…including those closest to us.
I’m not sure pornography is WORSE than adultery, as Jesus calls it the same sin, but it is certainly a deadly serious sin which must be confessed and repented of.
God bless you, Dan.
Yours in Christ,


Kris July 8, 2013 at 12:19 am

I stumbled across my dad’s Playboy as a child…I spent the rest of my life worrying that I was not measuring up to what a woman ‘should ‘ look like. Puberty was especially difficult as I did not develop large breasts which seemed to be the
‘way’ a woman should look!

This along with stressing sexuality in the way it was connected with popularity,desirability and worth also effected my understanding , not being raised in a godly oriented family.

I believe what also influenced my father growing up and then in marriage was the intrusion of Kinsey’s so called scientific research on male sexuality served up as the ‘norm’ but was later learned what he used for his research were pedophiles and perverts in prisons and prostitutes.

A whole generation of men and women in the fifties were thinking that their married sex life was ‘abnormal’ and ‘boring ..and thus the ground work was laid for the wild sexual ‘revolution’ of the 60’s.

There is much understanding about HOW our nation was brought to it’s knees for lack of knowledge of the scriptures about all things…and in the vacancy sexual lies were promoted …as we see aplenty now.

Understanding the value of what the function of sexuality is as intended by God goes a long way to protecting not only sexuality but marriage and love that is supposed to be the point of all relationships .

Sex is NOT a ‘need’ as many believe or are led to believe it is …as food , water and oxygen is …for life…but it is important to understand all things concerning it as it is a healthy and good part of married relationships.

Marriage where sex is treated as a ‘right’ and a ‘need’ and the wife is ignored or approached in a way that implies that she “MUST’ perform is lacking in understanding of the way a woman is a responder and not as those who depict a woman as if she is sexually INSTANT ON as a man is …from his own design of being more turned on by visual stimulation.

Women enjoy sexual relationships with husbands who convey that she is a PERSON that he LOVES …with or without her ‘performing’ on demand.,

I think many women are hurt by a man who does not realize this and with the expectation of a woman being “just like’ a man he may take offense or be disappointed when he approaches her this way.

Just a few things that came to mind here.

Porn also causes a wife to feel compared to something that is beyond her ability to achieve.

However …I do not view my husband’s adulteress as having ANY attributes that require ME to adjust to what she offered my husband. The trouble in our marriage had a lot more to do with my husband’s unwillingness to hear or be taught anything about sex, marriage or relationships . He refused to share ANY information about what he was thinking ..I spent 33 years trying to ‘mind read’ what would please him …and mostly he seemed to want to be left to do whatever he wanted and would pout if he was deterred.

Marriage seems to work the best with TWO ADULTS who are willing to learn how to care about the other.


Jan Holliday December 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Hi Robert. I just recently read your article on what the Bible has to say about adultery. My husband and I, one month shy of 27 years of marriage, divorced in May of 2011. He had an affair with a woman for at least nine months. We tried to work it out, but did not succeed. I was destroyed, as well as our family. We have two wonderful adult sons who really respected him, but not so much anymore. I loved and still love him very much, and I am worried about him. Adultery seems like such a cruel and selfish act.


Robert December 1, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I am so sad to hear of your situation. Adultery is a terrible sin that has terrible consequences for so many family members. Just remember that God loves each and every one of your family members (although He is pleased with some less than others) and wants to save each of them. Keep praying that God’s will be done in the lives of your family, and remember, He is the source of all comfort.
Yours in Christ,


Okocha Chide January 5, 2013 at 8:50 pm

Thank you so much for your article. The devil number one project is to attack christain marriages. This is because he understands the power of two people in a loving relationship & the children they have against his kingdom. The statistics that you quoted at the beginning of the article is also true for christains. Adultery is one of his major tools against christain marriages.
It will help if christain couples understand that their first christain duty to God is to build up and protect their spouses physically and spiritually. This includes making oneself available to one’s spouse in such a way that their sexual life is exciting and growing. In Africa this is a big problem because of the sexual mind set of couples.
Make no mistake though, an exciting sex life with one’s spouse is a big protection against adultery.


Robert January 7, 2013 at 1:37 pm

Hi Okocha,
You have hit on an important theme that I too have seen. Parents, with all the right motives, teach their young children that sex is bad. Now, I understand that sex IS bad…for children, and I understand that parents are trying to protect their children from making a mistake that could haunt them the rest of their lives. However, by not teaching them God’s view of sex (that it is good within the bounds of marriage), the children sometimes grow up thinking that ALL sex is bad. This can cause problems in one’s marriage later on, as you said. We should teach God’s view of marriage, sex, and every other thing about which the Bible has anything to say.
I thank you very much for you thoughts on this, your comment has made me think more deeply about this issue also. God bless you.
Yours in Christ,


barry January 13, 2013 at 3:39 pm

Robert – I comitted adultery on many occasions before and during marriage with multiple partners multiple times. My wife , who found out has tried staying with me and since seperated on and off and has gone the way of doing the same for revenge and or comfort . I have since found Christ and am learning the ways of peace. While we arent divorced I turn over to Godthe time frame that i let the seperation happen and when to cal it quits over divorce. i am learning that it is his time frame not mine, though it hurts i accept that. Adultery has hurt my family , kids , siblings , friends , and even my job. Though waiting for an answer from God is very hard, I trust whatever that answer is I will survive and so will the ones that I love. Keeping faith is the key even though the pain is tremendous. I do not know the path my life will go , but God will take me through it.
His will not mine, Barry


Robert January 14, 2013 at 3:05 pm

You are right, Barry. Adultery hurts so many people other than the two who commit it. However, you are on the right track by trusting God in your circumstances. Too many times we have our eyes on the problem and not on God, who provides the solutions. Continue to trust in Him, continue to obey His will, and He will see you through whatever may come. Know that, if you have confessed and repented of your sins, you are forgiven. Hopefully, you have let go of any guilt that you might have held onto, God has forgiven you. God bless you, Barry.
Yours in Christ,


Chide January 14, 2013 at 9:53 pm

I’m so glad that you are focusing on God and not the problem. God is not vindictive. However, sin is its own punishment. Whenever we sin as christains we choose pain, suffering and personal hurt over joy and peace. When we repent, we connect ourselves to our Heavenly Father’s forgiveness and help. As unbelievers, added to the pain and suffering is death, till we turn to Jesus Christ, there is nothing any body can do about this.


Sharon January 22, 2013 at 1:03 pm

I found this story awesome in it’s wording. Let it be said too, that a wife of a former adulter can forgive as well and thus the marriage saved. It is amazing how many people go forth with a divorce rather then seeking God’s grace to restore their marriage. Let it be clear, the memory still lingers but the hurt will heal. You learn to look at yourself in your sins rather then dwelling on those of your husband as well. As someone who is surviving this sin, I know it can end somewhere besides divorce. God’s grace is an awesome thing!


Sola February 16, 2013 at 9:05 pm

Hi Sharon,

Adultery kills a marriage even if you decide not to divorce. I was married for 13yrs before my husband confessed himself that he has been cheating for 13years. And yes, he is a born again christian. Goes to church every Sunday.
I am still in the marriage today but I know I still think things might not work out. He has stopped (I hope) but the innocence of trusting him wholeheartedly have disappeared. It never for once crossed my mind that he was leading a double life.
Another issue is that he thinks that because he has repented, I should just forget too and move on. Is first excuse when I try raise things is that he has changed and God has forgiven him. True, God has forgiven but I am finding it difficult to pretend that it killed something in me or my marriage. And that I am still hurting. He is not a new Christian, so I can’t pretend that he saw the light.
Maybe time will truly heal but I don’t think I can never forget. To many we have the perfect family set up but deep down I know it is all pretense.


Katie July 16, 2013 at 8:30 pm

My husband has been cheating on me for almost 8 yrs now.my question is – can you really forget? I chose to forgive him for the sake of the children, even though he is still into it. But I wonder if I will forget


Edwin February 11, 2013 at 9:27 am

i am 20 yr old boy,and i have committed adultery on multiple occasions right from 11 yrs old.After each act i repent and promise not to do it again.But even after repenting i commit it again.I feel very guilty and frustrated after such act.The most disgusting situation is that i know beforehand that even i repent now,i may do it again in future.Please help what steps i should take because it is consistently ruining my life.


Robert February 11, 2013 at 3:35 pm

Hi Edwin,
There is very little that is more frustrating that repeating a sin that you so desperately want to stop committing. You never said whether or not you’re a Christian, Edwin. Have you trusted Jesus as your Savior and is your desire to please and honor Him? This is the first and most important part of any advice I can give you. Without His strength, we are powerless to resist temptation, so we will fail if we rely on our own strength.

If you are a Christian, spending time studying the Bible and praying are essential to a healthy spiritual life. Also, being involved in a local church, where you can cultivate relationships with other believers who are struggling to live holy lives, helps a lot.

I hope this helps. I’ll be praying for you also. Feel free to comment back to me too. God bless you, Edwin. He loves you and wants you to be victorious over temptation.

Yours in Christ,


Edwin February 12, 2013 at 9:12 am

Thank you very much,i am a christian.

Since i far from my home and i am in a college right now.Around here we don’t have any church that i can reach nearby so, i am having a hard time in my hostel.This temptation really comes to me when i am alone and when i am in a bad mood.

But with your advice i will try to resist committing this sin.


Robert February 12, 2013 at 10:20 am


God promises us victory over sin, if we will simply obey Him and trust Him. I will be praying for you and here are a couple of God’s promises straight from the Bible to encourage you.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:7-8 ESV).

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (I Corinthians 10:13 ESV).

God bless you, Edwin. Stay close to God, trust Him, read your Bible, and follow the Holy Spirit’s guidance. You also might want to check out the series of articles I am writing on this website concerning the Armor of God, it pertains directly to having victory over temptation.

Yours in Christ,


nonhlanhla March 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm

i have realised that most of us women, we marry for all the wrong reasons and not for love..and those reasons tend to vanish, and you start searching for the reasons that keeps us in our miserable marraiges..the truth is …i was young, excited and thought i was inlove but then i met ma soul mate and it was late. Point is that why women commit adultery.ofcos its a sin and against Gods will..we really need your prayers Robert


Robert March 1, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Rest assured, I will be praying for you. However, remember that it is God who supplies the power to resist temptations and live a holy life. Trust in His love and in His power, He will be with you every step of the way. “Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, body, and strength; and your neighbor as yourself.” God bless you richly.
Yours in Christ,


Robert April 4, 2013 at 6:48 am

Hi All! (Privacy and discretion very important to me, but I have to submit this to others in hopes of combined prayer having greater effect?)

I am a bystander witness to Danny, a man who is a rising business and political star, destroying his marriage vows with apparently no remorse or shame. He conveniently and eagerly travels to other states and buys stripper prostitutes for sex, even gloating in front of other men and employees about what he is doing. His best friend, who remains his best friend, outed him to others as well. His wife knows nothing of this, and they recently adopted a baby. His business is, bad joke as it is, with many women as clients- promoting women. I pray a lot about this, asking God to protect his wife and family and stop the sinning. It bothers me so much but I cannot intervene and give her a clue because Danny has done so much for me. He is the fourth generation of a very God loving and Bible toting family. Others close to him speak the Word and commit adultery as well. It makes me just sick to watch another Silvio Berlusconi (Italian politician who buys young prostitutes and still gets public approval) being made in front of me. I cannot see God not answering my prayers and stopping him from destroying the wife who he promised to love, protect and forsake all others for. I cannot see God not protecting other girls – even ones caught in the self abuse of prostitution – from this married man drawing them in to his sick betrayal and sin as well. Watching Danny’s wealth grow and him prosper and prosper while he humiliates his wife nationwide puzzles me. It breaks my heart for the innocent women who are victims of adultery, or even the prostitutes who could not commit sin if not for men fueling the demand for them. The sin, the tentacles of adultery and fornication, is enormous. For all of those furious with the homosexual sin given a government stamp of approval in marriage? Does anyone care about how much worse adultery destroys a already existing family? Or how women who give themselves away sexually to guys they are dating destroy the sacredness of marriage for all women? Seriously, after a girl or guy has been with 10 different partners- is your “one flesh” union in marriage anywhere near that of a husband and wife who have and will only know each other, no one else?

In the news right now, Mark Sanford – the governor who lied about hiking the Appalachian trail while he was betraying his wife and four kids in Argentina – has the nerve to run for office again. Unmarried disgustress beaming with pride at his side. Has the world gone mad??? No . . . we know that the prince of the world gets to corrupt and more corrupt and that sin is an easy sell.

Last word, could others join me in prayers for Danny? He has done so much for me, he is worth saving. But I cannot approach him and if I sent another it would be obvious that it was coming from me. I really feel that I need a chorus of prayers added to mine to help ease my burden of knowing and not being able to help. I pray with all of my heart because I cannot see God not wanting this adultery to cease and Danny to protect women instead of abusing them. I do keep this information private, this post is my only chance to reach out and ask for more help. Thank You All, I have prayed for You others as well! God Bless!!!


Robert April 4, 2013 at 7:12 am

Wow, you are certainly in a tough spot. I certainly will be praying for you, for “Danny”, his wife, and the whole situation.
I don’t know all of the details, obviously, but I keep thinking that, no matter how bad you feel right now, if you never do or say anything to stop what’s going on, how will you feel when “Danny” has ruined his life, his wife’s life, his children’s lives (if he has any), and the lives of all the women he is affecting? Will you look back and say, “I should have done more”? I’m not judging you, just trying to get you to see this from another perspective. Remember that old saying (I don’t know where it came from) that says, “The only thing necessary for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.” If this breaks your heart, imagine how God feels. Not only is “Danny” hurting others, but he is mocking God and His laws as well. Robert, “Danny” is on the wide path to hell right now. You may be the only person who cares enough to put up a roadblock. My comments here are meant to help, but also to motivate you to do the right thing. I will be praying about all this. God bless you.
Yours in Christ,


Kris July 9, 2013 at 1:11 pm

I agree with you Robert in how this selfish man ‘Danny’ has been putting not just the women he uses in jeopardy but he has put his ‘friends’ in a very difficult position with his being so overt with his sin.

Still the person who has become aware of this and is CONVICTED about it has some opportunity as this poor soul has felt the terrible wickedness of this . He has placed his life and circumstances under the control of this man. I know the difficulty this brings about . it is a LOT of weight for him to be knowledgeable as he is of all the sinful choices of this man.

It is amazing how these men are able to ‘cover’ their sin in plain sight!

My own husband carried on his adultery among his co workers …did they know or not? He says they didn’t but I can’t help but think they did …It was 14 years! He started up with a stranger who approached him and being the kind of man that he is he continued with her ..He is ‘faithful’ to his idea of what his own ‘integrity’ is.

One business partner DID know as my husband and the OW who he made his business partner AFTER they began their adultery and she coerced him into hiring her…..the guy who he felt was his ‘best friend’ knew. This man was put in a terrible position . The knowledge of my husband’s sin and the ‘friendship’ that grew out of that knowledge…since they shared the secret of his sin ….did not help this other man.

The Bible says that ‘Love worketh NO ILL to his neighbor’ …Adultery called upon a lot of people to share in the sin by keeping the lie.

We are still married though it is simply because of the VOW and the covenant which holds me to this situation. My husband is sorry but his having had two children with this woman upon her demands has made if very difficult for us to reconcile properly.

Forgiveness is a daily prayer for me for him …and I do know compassion for the OW and the children and OUR children and even my husband YET he is so focused upon trying to build back our finances …which suffered from his ‘generousity’ to the OW and her demands …we are in deep debt and may lose everything .

Now we are older and I am not able to work ….our adult children raised in the Word and homeschooled , awaiting a godly spouse….are still trying to recover some sort of equalibrium …and time is going by.

The sin of two selfish and self centered people is something that MAY be overcome but it haunts us . Despite the many MANY ways I have been able to study this issue in the Word more deeply …motivated to learn HOW to respond in the godly way GOD would have me do …IT is HUGELY DESTRUCTIVE.

My husband has , as yet, only displayed worldly sorrow…He still rejects the Word and any involvement with it. He has been deceived into now thinking that any move toward God and seeking forgiveness from Him would be ‘hypocritical’….just another deception as far as I can tell.

Those who know about the sin of adultery are put in a very difficult situation. I know that whenever we would visit the friend of his who knew about them he would look at me in a very curious way. I now think perhaps all the sharing of the Word with this man and others that my husband worked with was hindered in their thinking and receiving as they knew what my husband was doing and would wonder about what I knew.

I trusted my husband and he was very good at deceiving me . He formed a routine of calling and doing some demonstrations of care for me while pretty much abandoning his home responsibilities saying he needed to be at work and that our whole livelihood weighed in the balance. He kept me ‘off balance’ with many techniques I have since learned.

People think the wife SHOULD have known but they do not realize that if you have not been cheated on and you have trusted someone from all that they have demonstrated from before marriage and carried on various ways of deceit in a most excellent and deliberate way that you don’t know what you don’t know.

All of the ‘signs of infidelity’ listed in books and sites about this are not where a busy mother and wife would be looking …I was kept very busy with home schooling and many moves which involved a lot of time and effort in preparation to sell and move. These frequent moves were a ‘necessity’ to support my husband’s career as I was taught by the church was a wife’s duty.

Loving and being available did no good since my husband was never content with having only one woman. He gloried in the attention of women at work …and soon went seeking more than just their admiration.

All of what I did to try to live up to the Proverbs 31 woman and learn about ways to please him sexually were lost on him because he was satiated by all of the other ‘options’ he found around him as he charmed his way into the emotions of other women.

He did much damage to my own emotions . The Word tells a man that he is to protect his wife …not just her physical body but her emotions …in this area he finds the KEY to her sexually as well!

To damage a wife with flirting with other women or looking at porn or even enjoying running foul lyrics that encourage day dreams of sex with other women is not just wrong and a sin it is what causes many women to lose their confidence in their husband’s love. Indeed if a man does not regard what GOD says about protecting his wife’s confidence in being his only love and that he only has eyes for her …HE creates his own problem …in that he damages her ability to open to him

My husband scoffed when I tried to share what his charming ways were doing to my heart…and to the hearts of the woman he was ‘enjoying ‘ getting to ‘like’ him.

He has now seen the wreckage but is too prideful to turn from neglecting of me and the necessity to deal with the damage his choices have done.

He cannot handle the pain of experiencing the pain HE CAUSED in me .

It is rather difficult to respect a man who is so unwilling to endure the cost of his own sin against his wife , his children, himself , and GOD .

The necessity for a wounded spouse from adultery DOES require the adulterer to engage in whatever it takes to learn how to deal with his actions.

Without this it is doubly hard for the wounded spouse to heal …but it can be done….For me to see how this works in all of the materials and marriage offerings it seems that it is the appropriate RECOMPENSE of the adulterer to not just cease the adultery but to engage is whatever it takes to reconcile and to continue to work in this way ..as all marriage requires a COUPLE HOOD To grow.

My husband is aloof and is only interested in being a ‘good parent’ to the OTHER children even as this also is what constitutes a ‘violation’ in how he has neglected our own children and the healing they need now .

I told him that it seems right for him to support and to be ‘there’ for the Other children but NOT at the expense of what is called for to heal and develop his marriage relationship. He ignores this …refuses and has moved out of our bedroom

IN short it seems that he has replaced his infidelity partner with the two children of his adultery as his excuse for neglecting his relationship with me and our daughters who live with us ..until marriage which now looks remote .

Our oldest was offered a position to work with her father but has told me that she is not comfortable being where he is going out of the office to go see those Other Children knowing what he is doing and having to wonder if others do to. It is humiliating for her.

She is a graduate of a wonderful renowned University with honors…yet she has been caught like a deer in the headlights by this man’s sinful revelation. Her younger sister , an adult now as well also has been stunted in many of the areas of living life since D DAY.

Apparently he has thought of children as sort of ‘pets’ and refuses to acknowledge how his ongoing building up a relationship with the Other children will not effect them as well whenever they learn the truth of his life and their mother. They simply told them that he is married and that the two of them ‘hurt a lot of people’

The children are being raised more by their mother’s input who is a self avowed communist, feminist, anti christian new ager . She had the children for mercinary reasons and is not attentive , leaving them alone often and without food in the house though we supply her with a much larger amount of child support than we can afford or would be demanded by state agencies.

My point is that SO MANY People are hurt and effected by two people thinking that ‘what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their own business”!

NOT at all …This has had far reaching effects upon so many that these two had no concern about …the ‘friend’ who knew has had marital problems and whose to know how my husband’s cavalier attitude may have effected that family ….

My husband’s excuses are many and not that original. Lies that promote sin are so lame and yet we see that people believe what gives them a feeling of license .

God has spoken the truth and we need to care more about what HE says than what we may want or what society agrees to ‘tolerate’ …it will be the destruction of our land if it already has not gone too far at this point.

God is the redeemer of all who put their trust in Him …the cup of wrath is not HIS doing but the resulting accumulation of many who are intent upon destruction through self indulgence and rejection of the Word.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.

Jer 2:13 For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, [and] hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.

Jer 33:3 Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Would I have wanted someone to “OUT” my husband to me back in the early years of his adultery?? It would have hurt no doubt but it MIGHT have prevented his having had two children who now are additionally victimized by his choices and are now also being shaped by the lying ‘love’ my husband is trying to develop in them for himself!At the expense of all of us including them!

They will either grow up to accept adultery as acceptable OR if they come to the Lord they will deal with his and their mother’s lying lives with difficulty even if they are able to forgive…the consequences of this sin are EMINENCE!


Laura Mendes May 7, 2013 at 3:24 am

hi my name is lauraI’m 33 year old I was married for 15 years and now I am a little with 3 kids then this man came out of nowhere I never thought I could love again is felt so rightand then I found out he was married after 3 months of knowing himthen I asked him why he said his wife was cheating on him but I think I know deep down inside and I didn’t a minute to myself I thought he was perfect his wife is innocent he has three kids and he wanted to marry me to elope and I always push back..I’ve been a little for 2 years and 5 months today and tonight I push them away and wait and wait soon then he got his wife back because he felt he had no choice because he was scared I would not stay with him because I used to always asks about herbecause I knew she was Anderson innocentput my heart hurts so bad I done the right thing did I ?especially for all the kidsthere were 6 kids between the both of us and when we was together it was like nothing matter..I never thought I could love you even a little how much I love my husband that the good Lord took at 32 year old please tell me something I have no one just pain …I pushed him away then I fell so hurt. But I still morn my husband..so it took a lot for me to love him…please I done right?or it was meant from god..he never gave up on me. Now he stoped calling…thank u..


Robert May 7, 2013 at 10:36 am

Hi Laura,
I can hear the heartache in your words. I don’t know all the details of this situation, but let me offer some basic marital advice, if I may. First, God created the institute of marriage; therefore, the only way we can count on that relationship to go right is if it is dedicated to God and done God’s way.

From what you’ve written, this relationship began with adultery (he was married). Now, I understand that you didn’t know this at first, but once you found out you should have called off the relationship right then. I know that’s easier said than done, but it is always better to follow God than to live in sin.

You ask if it was meant from God for you to be with that man. God will never lead us into sin. If being with him involved you sinning, then it was not from God. You did the right thing by breaking it off and it sounds like it would be good if he doesn’t contact you anymore. As long as he is still married, for you and he to be together is sinful.

Now, take heart Laura, God has a plan for you, if you are willing to follow Him. Find a church home full of Christians who care about each other. Read the Bible, and live it in your life. God will take care of you, guide you, comfort you, and strengthen you.

I hope this helps some. God bless you, Laura.

Yours in Christ,


Kris July 9, 2013 at 1:26 pm

Good counsel Robert!

The best man for any woman will never be another woman’s husband’

If he is in pursuit he is weak and does not have what it takes to be content with any woman .

Wait upon the Lord …if your husband is dead you are free to marry again according to what I read in scripture.

I agree that in order for marriage to work well both must be looking unto the Lord for instruction which is found in the scriptures.

My husband was going along pretty well being teachable until he began a new career working in a corporation which had him go from working in his old career with only one older married man …and we were involved in a godly fellowship growing in the knowledge of the Word and growing as a couple in our marriage.

Once he entered the coed climate of the office he suddenly rejected the Word since he experienced the rejection of the Lord among his co workers and did not want to lose their ‘respect’ …He decided it better to reject God and thus me since I would not depart from the Lord

This was a very difficult way for us to have to live in our marriage . HE had his ‘life’ among those who mattered to him …but he stayed ‘married’ which probably allowed him to have a facade of being a ‘good man’

I have not neglected him nor defaulted to not trying to engage him in the Word and to bring up those areas where he was in need to know how his treatment and neglect was harming HIM as well as me but he did not take anything to heart.

He had too much ‘success ‘ in his sinful dealings with others.

Wait upon the Lord …no husband is often much better than marriage to an apostate or a man who is willing to cheat on his marriage vows to GOD and his wife …as well as the witnesses of their wedding!

God will work something wonderful out for you …lean not upon your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE WILL direct your path by way of HIS WORD.

Keep yourself IN the Word of GOD …accumulate the knowledge of the WORD and God will provide you with wisdom as you continue to do so.

I believe GOD protected you by your finding out the truth about this man.

He would have broken your heart as easily as he broke his vows in his marriage.

He needs to mature through faithfulness to GOD and his spouse.

Love you dear!


Laura Mendes May 7, 2013 at 3:28 am

I’m a widow I put little bymistak


kiki June 7, 2013 at 12:44 pm

My situation is simular, to laura’s accept my guy left his wife over 3 years ago and we have lived in sin all this time. His wife refuses to give him a divorce and insists that she loves her husband and wants her family to stay together. But he insists that he only married her because she was pregnant and he already had one child out of wedlock and did not want another.. But this is the twist, we dated ten years ago and I left him when I got saved and got married to a different guy and he in turn married her but we found our way back to each other after we were both married. Of course I was married longer then him, but I was never in love with my husband tho my now exhusband is the absolute best man and christian that I know. He is an exceptional man and for ten years our marriage was hard mainly because of me because I always felt that I settled and was always secretly in love with the man that I now live in sin with.. When I told my current live in mate that I loved him then and still did, he confessed that he always loved me and infact to date has never loved any other woman but me.. He married his wife while she was pregnant and they never moved in together and never even lived in the same city.. He said that she knew it was a marriage of convenience for him and because she loved him and wanted him so badly, she did not care.. She was just happy that he had married her and she is able to wear his last name. And that is her crown and glory. Once we talked and she knew we lived together she said she did not care if he had affairs and did not care that we lived together because she is the MISSES and always will be and she will never give him to me or let me have him. I eventually divorced my husband and actually left my husband shortly after we hooked up. My exhusband has since moved on and is engaged to be remarried and is very happy with his new relationship as for seven years of our marriage he was depressed and with drawn and very unhappy with me and our relationship, but because of his love for God he wold have stayed with me for ever no matter how unhappy he was and no matter how many times we went for counseling we would always end up at back at the same place.. Including seperation prior to my adultrous affair. And NO I don’t think my ex has ever cheated on me or even that cheating is in his genetic make up.We are just wo very different people and infact we have always been and even thru the seperation and after the divorce remain best friends,we were never lovers all the way to the point of no sex or kissing before marriage and we dated for two years and we moved in together on our wedding night and didn’t have sex until night 2 of which was never eventful or fullfing for neither of us all teh way to the point of two years prior to my reuniting with my current guy and two years prior to the last seperation we had no sex or sexual contact at all while sleeping in bed together nightly. I can honestly say that we never even shared a pasionate kiss or deep or strong romantic feelings the entire ten years. Now I said all that to say tho we were married we were not happy and by right I think our marriage was more of a forced union because of the sanction of marriage and not the act of love. I find it hard to believe that this man that I am currently deeply and passionately in love with and he loves me equally are not suppossed to be together. The only wrong we are doing is SIN.. We together or happy and perfectly in love. Please lead me spiritually and righteously on what I should do. More then anything I want to be right with God and I KNOW THAT NOW I AM COMPLETELY IN SIN AND FAR FROM GOD EVEN THO I GO TO CHURCH ON A REGULAR BASIS THE CHURCH CAN NOT SAVE ME AND HAS NOT CHANGED ME. ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE ME AND I WANT TO DO RIGHT.. HELP ME


kiki June 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

I feel that God wants me to choose between him and this man that I love. I don’t think that it is fair that I not be able to be happy and experience passion and love. Which is something I have not shared with any other man and like wise that my current mate insists that he has not shared with anyone before me. I have left him several times because of my faith and conviction and I always come back because there is no real or natural reason that we can not be together. He is always so confussed and fustrated with God because he has tried over and over to get his wife to sign the divorce papers and she just laughs in his face. and he does not understand when I say to him based on the bible that our love is based with sin so much like David and Bathsheba that we struggle financially and for every bad or wrong thing that happens in my life I blame it on our sin and here lately things have gotten so rough financially that we live from day to day and the only releaf i can see is to leave him and repent and pray that God will restore me but I am so inlove with this man and we are perfect together and for each other.. Explain how I should apply the bible to my situation. I don’t want to end up resenting God and I don’t want him to end up leaving God or rejecting God because we feel trapped in our past and our past mistakes want let us go to live in our future.


Robert June 7, 2013 at 3:11 pm

That is quite a story you’ve laid out there. I can see the confusion and the complexity of your situation. However, as you said, you are continuing to willfully sin. You should not expect God to bless this relationship as long as you continually disobey Him. Let me caution you about relying on your feelings. Feelings can lead you down away from God, if you trust them instead of Him. God’s Word reveals His standards for marriage. When we willfully rebel against those standards we can only expect it to result in heartache and broken relationships. My advice is to get your life back in line with God’s will, no matter what you have to do to get that done. If you have to separate from the guy you’re with now, do it. In the end, your relationship will be better for having obeyed God. If you continue in willful sin against God, you can expect problems. So, the choice is yours…obey God, trust Him to work things out, and have a fulfilled life, or continue to sin, basing everything on your ‘feelings’, and experience the heartache that will surely follow. This may sound harsh or unfeeling, but for me to comfort you with untruths would be worse for you than to speak the truth in love to you (Ephesians 4:15). God bless you…only He can straighten out your situation…obey Him and trust Him.
Yours in Christ,


kiki June 7, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Thank you. so much, of course this is not what I want to hear. The truth is like medicine its not as good as candy going down but it will heal you and make you better. I want to be better not pacified. The road to recovery is a journey that not many will go down. It is easy to plan and hard to execute. Leaving him I will be homeless and broke and without a car. On top of which I will also be broken hearted. I am not good at plotting or planning to leave because if I did I would just find more excuses to stay. In the past when I have left I leave and go out to look for my own way and usually go back because it is difficult to find my way when I have nothing. I don’t want to burden family and friends


kiki June 7, 2013 at 4:13 pm

I just started a new job in a new city and have been staying in hotels for the past two weeks while looking for a place here. It was our plan for him to follow but now that I have to leave him he will be devestated. He just found someone to rent out his house and applied to have his job transferred here. And on top of that I wrecked my car last week and this is just a really bad time to break up for the 5th or 6th time.


Robert June 7, 2013 at 9:11 pm

If he is truly a Godly man, he will want to do what is right in God’s eyes. If he is not a Godly man, you (being a professing Christian) should not be with him anyway. Also, if your family and/or friends are Christians who want to see you in God’s will, they will not look upon helping you as a burden.
Kiki, there are no two ways about it. You cannot obey God and rebel against Him at the same time. No one said it is always easy to follow God, but there is no better life than when you do. You can’t expect Him to bless your relationship with this man as long as your reject God’s lordship in your life.
Yours in Christ,


Jack Wellman June 29, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Robert…please, please forgive me. I just answered Anonoymous without realizing that this is your article. I am so sorry. I have so many articles on adultery that, for some reason, thought that this was mine. You may have better counseling that I did. Again, I am sorry Robert. Thank you brother. I’ll try to be more careful next time.


Kris July 9, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Jack ….I am surprised to read your apology . I did not regard any of these as belonging to the person who wrote the article. Does that mean that no one else should offer counsel?

I am wondering since I offer my two cents on all of these…Is that in some kind of violation? How do you think about this ?


Jack Wellman July 9, 2013 at 9:56 pm

No, Kris, what I did was comment to a reader’s question and before I realized it (too late) I responded to the comment thinking it was one of MY articles but it was Roberts so I was apologizing to Robert for answer the question when it was his article and I should have left it up to him to answer. I have so many articles on marriage that I assumed it was mine. That was why I apologized…and so, no, your “two cents” and all others are always welcome here. Does my apology make sense now?

Kris July 16, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Jack ….I guess so ….I am not sure it warranted an apology though …since your replies are full of wisdom and compassion and useful to any query .

Your consideration is a great and refreshing demonstration to observe . Thank you for showing attentiveness to details that often go glossed over.

Kris December 13, 2013 at 1:25 pm

I was just reading through this today ….Kiki….do you realize that all of the ‘offerings’ and ‘options’ that cross our paths which are not based upon God’s Word are DECEPTIONS …many ‘designed’ and ‘customized’ to draw us by our inner most vulnerabilities.

As I was studying the Word in concern for the gender differences ….it would appear that God DESIGNED women to be more sensitive for the most part than men and thus the exhortation to husband’s to guard their wives emotions.

Men are designed to be visually more vulnerable sexually so we see the tactic used to violate men’s minds and hearts with sexual appeals

….God designed these attributes to bring married people closer and bond…

The Devil was present at the time of our design and creation …HE knows these areas which if man does not take to heart the exhortation and commands of GOD to learn how to know what his vulnerabilities are and how to protect himself from being lured by way of them being appealed to …then disaster will result.

Man apart from GOD knows nothing and can do nothing rightly.

So it is that women need to be aware of their vulnerability to be drawn to sin EMOTIONALLY.

Men drawn by VISUAL ..

Jesus told us to govern our flesh by way of guarding what and how we think

He told us to ‘keep ” his commands …His Word….to renew our minds., to put on the mind of Christ…all of these are what we are to use to ‘take captive EVERY THOUGHT to the OBEDIENCE of Christ’

The Word is the spirit of Christ and if we heed Him HE empowers us to learn to avoid doing or being in situations which will cause us and others to stumble…being subject to those design attributes which are to only be lived in when REINED by the WORD of GOD.

I hope you will realize that if you continue to listen to the appeal to your emotions you will not escape the sinful venue in which Satan has drawn you to feel is authentic.

My husband and his OW are both caught in their emotional bondage even as they now do not ‘love’ each other…finding there is no longer any USE for one another and the damage done to all is now apparent .

God is not bringing any wrath upon them …their own sins have consequences which have accumulated and now they seem to not be able to see over or beyond them

To continue to build that ‘wall’ for the sake of your present way of seeing your circumstances without the Word of GOd being your guide and worldview …is to continue to allow the world, the flesh and the devil to orchestrate your destruction with YOUR approval …or at least without your resistance.

God is the only one worthy of submitting to and supplying you with what you need to see the truth of this ….When we are IN sin we are blinded …so confession of sin AND repentance or turning from thinking by your emotions and carnal mind is essential to being able to SEE clearly .

I pray you will not waste another minute in the state of deception that the Devil and his minions are having a good laugh about right now as you THINK you know what is best for you and others…and even as you confess it is sin…the Bible tells us there is no difference between what we know and do if we “know to do right and do not do it ..it is SIN” and sin steals, kills and destroys not only in THIS life but in eternity if one does not wise up to how this works

You KNOW what to do …it is VERY hard once the ‘hook’ is in your heart…but if we are to love GOD with ALL our heart , soul, mind and strength …FIRST …then we must realize that if we will not DO this FIRST commandment …then we are not EQUIPPED to do the second which is to ‘love others ‘

“Love does no ill to his neighbor’ ….it is NOT ABOUT THE SELF.

Luring someone else to enter into sin IS SIN UPON SIN.

It is not love it is destructive.

You know this …you just need some support and encouragement to do it …we all do ! May you be blessed as you obey the Lord in all things as you grow in the knowledge of Jesus Christ …READ the WORD and ask GOD to teach you …clear the way for the truth in your life and LIVE …it will bless you and all who are willing to do so as well.

Obeying God encourages others to a more worthy endeavor ….and so is beneficial to all.


Sharon June 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm


I have bee encouraged by all the testimony’s & answer time. My story goes like this; I have been a bor again christian for almost 35 years. I have had a horrible life b. c . lost my 4 children because I had married a wife beater & I was scared for my children so I gave up my children to my x husband who was remarried. I was devastated & got into drugs. I came to know Christ at 30 years old & God delivered me from drugs, alcohol, ciigerettes, & a permiscuious life style. I married a Christian man about 2years later & found out that he was a secret alcoholic we were married for 6 years & divorced. Moved back to Mi. To be closer to my children, & found a good church & got involved with choir, & greeter. Met a man there at church we married 1 year later & the week after our honey moon & I felt something was wrong I acted like I was going to choir practice & came back about 15 min later to find him in the act of phonographs. I stayed in the relationship for 6 years on our 6th anniversary I got a call that afternoon that my husband was at a hotel with a very young women who is also married & he told me he wanted a divorce that he was in love with her. I had just started a new job & would go in crying of course no one could see me. The Lord, helped me through that horrible nightmare. I then was involved at church in a divorce workshop & doing well. I had not been looking for any relationship & it had bee about 18 month’s since my last divorce. And my best girlfriend who I have known for 12 years her mom died & I went to the funeral & met her brother who was also divorced & we hit it off & dated about a year then got married. Well, it’s been 13 years of hell. We went to church & he has an apologetic ministry & studied day & night. He became puffed up with pride & arrogance & alway’s faulted me for everything & in our bible studies he would put me down in front of our friends. Last spring he got involved in a Multi level business & got his cousin & wife involved in the company. & they are not saved. I started noticing how flirtatious she was with my husband. Well, after a few months I noticed other behaviors that were odd & started catching him in lies. I left our home last Nov. I was asked to leave & I couldn’t afford the house. Well, he still delights it but, I have proof Pics of her at Christmas with all her gifts on my floor & a 5 page conversation of them on his email. He just asked for a divorce & I can’t afford an atty. I’m off from my job with no money & put some money back for bills. We have a home & annuity’s & I don’t think he’ll be fair. I need to know if 1) I should let her husband know the have 3 kids & she is making a move to leave soon. 2) do I give up my home because I don’t have money. Robert, I have forgiven them but, I feel very lonely & rejected by men & have no family here & no close friends I do have 2 married couples I talk to. I’m trusting God to work this out. I still have a lot of tearful days! Please help if you can. Thank you & God Bless!!


Kris July 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm

Sharon ….How sad it seems our lives have become as we are born into such a dark and perverse world and often are deceived because of lack of knowledge and lack of understanding HOW deception works.

I know the difficulty many women have because when a woman is unprotected as a father was commanded to do for his wife and daughters and to TEACH his children , training them up in the wisdom and knowledge of the Word …we are unprotected and without the equipping of wisdom that the knowledge of GOD would impart.

We have had to learn the truths the HARD WAY .

Many preditory and ilequipped men are prone to seeking women who are needy and not knowledgable. Many women go to a church or some kind of group help to find answers and there they meet men who are also in need of knowledge and wisdom

LIMERANCE is a term used for the way hormones in our design work. Jesus knew that men are going to have a hormonal response to what they SEE which was meant to draw them to their wives…This hormone is OXYTOXIN among others which GOD designed to ‘feel good’ when a man looks upon HIS WIFE.

IT also is indescriminate whenever a man is LOOKING and keeps thoughts about romance in his mind about any certain woman …even porn! Which is what brings him to become confused about who he “loves’ and ‘why’ he loves them.

Knowing about this hormone Jesus told men about looking upon a woman and lusting over her in his heart….bringing about the kind of ‘attraction ‘ which would cause him to commit adultery in his heart even if he did not physically do anything.

Being ‘involved’ mentally and emotionally with anyone other than our life long covenant spouse is confusing and causes a reduced appreciation for the spouse of our youth. Particularly in men.

Men who are addicted to this LIMERANCE go after it .

It is in fact truly like a DRUG….those who do not realize this and what it is designed to do and do not know the value of marriage and a spouse and how to maintain love and protect it will be drawn to pursue Limerance rather than the ‘work’ of growing a loving relationship

Women who are not knowledgable of their value and purpose may seek the affection of men and offer what causes a man to have limerance. They will offer sexual activities thinking that this is ‘love’ .

In truth sex without relationship is not ‘love ‘ but is being USED …it results in nothing more than being involved in what may be offensive to hear but is ‘mutual masturbation’ …It abuses the TEMPLE of GOD which your body is as Jesus told us.

We may avoid falling into the ‘trance’ created by LIMERANCE by avoiding places, activities and people that encourage this kind of feeling.

We like to feel this but it is best to avoid it until a godly relationship based upon truth is developed.

Caring about the state of a person’s soul will help one maintain a godly relationship .

Avoiding ‘romantic ‘ or ‘sexually stimulating’ things will help us remain true to the way love is to be offered and received.

This is not legalistic but WISE …so much of our world offers and encourages us to be neglectful of how to maintain purity because there is big business in music, media and environments that are maintained for the purpose of ‘meeting ‘ and ‘hooking up’ with the opposite sex FOR SEXUAL pleasures apart from entering into a commitment to fidelity.

Fidelity is not impossible and it is not only right but preferred.

Many who succumb to the ‘game’ of sexual flirting do so thinking that it will lead to a lifelong committed relationship. A relationship based solely upon looks or feelings without knowledge of how to protect and provide nurture will soon fizzle out since the hormonally charged first love does not sustain itself by itself.

Thus the yearning for “NEW” partners which in their newness and lack of any reality based substance ….will bring LIMERANCE ….for a time.

This knowledge is now substantiating what GOD has informed those who will attend to His words….to NURTURE their spouse and for men to protect the emotional health of their wife by keeping their EYES only FOR HER>

This is extremely important to ensure the wife being able to be a willing sexual partner as well as a secure and loving wife.

Today’s world poo poos this idea saying it is the WIFE’s ‘responsibility ‘ to love her husband lest he stray ..>The BIBLE gives MEN the information of THEIR responsibilities’ among them to protect the love in their marriage by faithful attendance to protect their wife’s sense of value to himself …by keeping his interesst , attention and affection upon HER and consistantly affirming her worth to him

The Husband is the one commanded to LOVE his wife ..and God tells him HOW to keep that love going strong.

The wife is designed by God to RESPOND. No wonder so many wife’s are lacking security and assurance of their desirability when husband’s abandon their responsibility to learn from GOD how their influence is KEY to the heart of their wife and their attention towards other women may damage not only their view of their own wife but damage the marriages of the women they encourage to day dream about them!

Despite the effort of our society to destroy men and women by way of teaching that they are the “same’ ….we are “EQUAL” but dramatically created DIFFERENT in ways that GOD will inform us how to protect and enjoy life together in a faithful and gowning love within the protective boundaries of married love.

Do not allow the world to steal , kill, and destroy that love by way of disinformation for the benefit of lawyers, and undertakers…movie moguls and record producers!

Men keep your eyes on your wife…treat all other women who are not your wife ,presently or future ..as SISTERS>

Men have a huge responsibility before GOD to satisfy themselves with GOD first and the wife of their youth.

Discontent comes from unthankfulness.

Christ went first in loving us . We love Him because he FIRST loved us .

Husband’s are told to love their wives as Christ loved the Church.

Women respect a man who can govern himself according to the way scripture teaches a man to first respect himself which he learns to govern his own body because it belongs to GOD and is HIS temple.

A man who does not have courage to do so will find that women have a hard time respecting him as the wife is told to do.

Women who offer sex to gain love also will find out that only men who have little self respect and strength of character will be drawn to them and take advantage of an easy offer of sexual pleasure.

A man who respects himself is seeking a self respecting woman.

One preacher put it …a man who lusts after some woman he sees on the street is laying down his MANHOOD as he drools over her!

A true man will recognize this as an act of ‘worship’ not love or respect and any woman he can use this way will never be anything more to him

My husband wanted to marry me because I maintained my self respect in our courtship but soon he tired of our relationship because he departed from learning from GOD . In his pride and elevation in his career he became ‘entitled’ and more and more ‘private’ .HE created his own ‘need’ for ‘sexual ‘ excitement by his own lack of ability and willingness to learn and apply his attention, time and energy to our marriage relationship and his family.

We did not lack anything …he wanted more and more what was easy and thus lost his interest and value in all things.

His ‘boredom’ was of his own creation.

He is still a man unsatisfied with all of what he has and has had and HE has HAD a LOT that many men could never dream of …including a godly wife and children which he went forth to seek a woman to try to have ungodly children with .It is uncanny how much effort he has put into making a complete ‘set’ of opposition to the godly household he had throughout his whole life!

Rom 1:28 And even as they did not like to retain God in [their] knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;

How true …sadly …and still….continuing in rebellion…which the Bible says is AS the sin of witchcraft….He made his own trouble because he insisted upon being his own god.


Work June 26, 2013 at 10:38 am

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”.

I don’t understand…….How can we not inherit the kingdom of God, if we repent?


Jack Wellman June 26, 2013 at 3:28 pm

Hello “Work.” I am not the author of this article but if I may be allowed. What is hard to understand my friend? I am not sure what you mean. We can not inherit the Kingdom of God unless we repent but for those who do such things as you mentioned, sexually immoral….adulterers…homosexuals…and such, will not be going to heaven unless they repent and turn from that lifestyle, then confess their sin, ask for forgiveness, put their trust in Christ and live a life of obedience. Does this make sense “Work?”


Work June 26, 2013 at 7:22 pm

Yes it does…I did not understand, do to my lack of knowing the bible..I was trying to figure out that even if they are to repent, confess their sin, ask forgiveness and put their trust in Christ why they would not enter the kingdom. So if they do repent they will be forgiven? Here is another question ( I am like the master at questions..lol) If someone does one of these sins knowing that it was a sin will it be forgiven? Or if they do the sin over and over again even after being forgiven will they still be forgiven again?


Jack Wellman June 26, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Thanks “Work”. You might be the master of questions but I’m not so sure I am the master of answers…LOL, but here goes anyway.

“If someone does one of these sins knowing that it was a sin will it be forgiven?”

Yes, the will read all of Romans 7 and 1 John 1:9 to see why I say that all sins can be forgiven. It is good to keep short accounts and repent and confess daily.

Then you asked,

“Or if they do the sin over and over again even after being forgiven will they still be forgiven again?”

Again, I refer to the Scriptures. Read the very short chapter of 1 John chapter 3 and see if you still think a person can keep sinning over and over again and even think they are saved. Let me know what you think.


cee June 27, 2013 at 4:03 am

Hi, do i have to repent it to my parner or directly to God?


Jack Wellman June 27, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Hello Cee. This is not my article but Robert is indisposed for a while. Let me say that if a person has sinned like having committed adultery, you should first repent before God and ask His forgiveness and then you should go to your partner and tell him or her the same thing. Ask for your partner’s forgiveness and confess it to him or her but do this also to God.


Work June 27, 2013 at 10:51 am

So even if someone does the sin over and over again knowing what it is they will be forgiven, but as long as they keep doing it they don’t belong to God…Do I have it right?


Jack Wellman June 27, 2013 at 9:19 pm

Hello Work. Have you had any of these discussions with your pastor? Most pastors love to answer questions like these. Again, I can’t answer for Robert but if the keep doing the same thing over and over again, this person is not a child of God (read 1John chapter 3) but we all stumble but adultery is much, much more serious.


Kris July 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm

I would like to chime in too .

The fact that you agonize over this sin and have no desire to engage in it belies that the Spirit of truth is working in you …warning you how to avoid this .

Basing your actions upon feelings is one of the ways that God warns us to keep on track by way of avoiding what we may want but know is wrong.

Your sense that you should not have gone was that working in you ….I know how this happens …and many times it is after the fact that we recognize what we should have done and that ‘still small voice’ of truth that nagged us.

When Jesus “finished’ the payment for sins for the whole world it seems that that means for those who enter in we are FORGIVEN ….the confession of sin is to keep a short account so that the devil might not use guilt to try to keep us under condemnation.

When we feel guilt we will be duped into thinking we must somehow earn our salvation …rather when we are convicted it is to cause us to go to the Lord to ask Him to cleanse us of all unrighteousness as HE HAS provided this for us already .

IN HIM we are learning to WALK AFTER HIS righteousness which HIS WORD informs us of HOW that looks.

WE are to be imitators of Him in all that He shows us of His walk…and in the meantime as toddlers we may stumble …the Devil wants us to think we ‘cannot’ walk yet the Lord has offered us strength for the journey in His Words …as we learn them and then ask Him to help us complete our assigned walk through this world we will learn more and more to listen to Him and obey Him …not because we fear Hell but because as His child we seek to do all that pleases Him

HE HAS rescued you from damnation which awaits those who do not repent.

He offers repentance to those who are in the condition of NOT WANTING to continue in sin and they are making the effort to learn from HIM what to do.

One thing we CAN do is to cut off all kinds of things , people and environments which we may feel unable to deal with righteously ..to take on a new life sometimes means removing ourselves from the life we once lived IN and among.

This does not mean isolation but to ‘come out from among’ those things, activities and people that encourage and entice to take part in sinful life styles and choices.

Finding a fellowship of those intent upon doing this is important but it is not always easy. Some ‘help ‘ groups and even some churches avoid confronting sin and do not teach anything about it ..so many will congregate and continue in lust and desires that are opposing the process of sanctification.

We are not looking for human ‘lords’ so much as like minded fellows who desire to live rightly and encourage such developing holiness. To work together not to boss one another or employ bully tactics.

The true fellowship of the saints is a collection of those who love the Lord and are willing to acknowledge the need for encouragement and protection from what GOD advises us…NOT those who seek to take advantage of those who are willing to be taught and led but have little knowledge of the Lordship of the Lord and how HE will take them into His care.

I pray you will find this kind of fellowship for the strengthening of your desire and effort to walk in the Light as He is the light and the truth.

Many profess to know Him but you can only tell the true from the false by knowing HIM who IS the WORD by your study and submission to the WORD which you may read and ask Him for understanding .

May your walk in the truth as HE is the truth.


anonymus June 29, 2013 at 5:42 am

Hello, I am going to tell my story here because i am still waiting for a reply to my question and the worry that i have lost my salvation is stressing me so much.
Basically , i got married when i was 18 and had a son , i left my then husband before my son was born because he neglected me, i was not a Christian at that time and i had a few relationships with men with no prospects when i got divorced and when my son was 2 i prayed to God to find me a husband who would love me and my son, the same week i met him and we were committed in a relationship and a son together and we got married in 1990 , up until 2009 there had been no contact from my eldest son’s biological father and my second husband has always been his dad, but then in the April my son got an email from a young girl asking if he was her half brother and was the man in the photo she had sent was his father. I looked and i said yes it was , so basically i then got caught up in all the excitement that finally my ex had bothered to look for his son and wanted to meet him . I went with my son to meet his father and when i think back now it was worse thing i could have ever done, you see i am so very easily lead and vunerable and although i could sense the Holy spirit telling me not to go , i did go and i already had adultery in my mind and i did commit adultery with my ex husband. I need to add also that things were not running smooth with my husband at that time and he was treating me quite badly at that time so although not an excuse to commit adultery i was looking for something to make me happy again, and like i said i did commit adultery and once the act had happened my whole body felt violated and i felt sick within stomach, but this didn’t stop me staying with my ex for a whole week , and by the time it was time to go home i wanted to stay with my ex and was going to leave my husband, as i was going through the airport i could feel a force trying to get me to stay with my ex , but then another force was walking me through to the departure lounge and before i knew it i was on the plane and going back home, my husband met me at the airport and he knew what i had done , i was angry inside and my temper kept flaring up i wanted to be with my ex , but my husband and i tried to work through it and he forgave and we are more in love now than ever, things are better . Until that time when my ex made contact i never would have dreamed of leaving my husband for another man.
I have read scriptures about God forgiving our sins, but i am so troubled about my salvation that i fear i will end up in hell and that scares me the most i do not want to end up in hell, i feel i have ruined everything now because of my adultery and i fear i won’t get to heaven, i fear death again because of my uncertainty of where i will end up . Once upon a time i had peace in my heart and knew without a doubt i was going to heaven but since i committed adultery the peace has gone and i am fearful.
I don’t know where the scripture is but i read it in the old testament that if a women remarries but then has a union with her ex husband then she is never forgiven , i might be wrong but i hope someone will know and maybe can explain it me .
Please can someone help me because i was once a woman who praised the Lord and had peace in my heart , but right now i do not and i need answers please .

note to the moderator, please use this message with this email address as the other one is no longer active , thank you and God Bless


Jack Wellman June 29, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Hello Anonymous. A very godly man and such a brother in Christ to me whom I love so much told me once that “you can not unscramble an egg.” If you confess your sins to God, He will forgive you and cleanse you from ALL unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). Then He who know no sin because sin for us so that we might have the righteousness of Christ when God looks upon us (2 Cor 5:21). We must believe God and not trust our feelings. What is true? God’s Word or our feelings? God can not lie and if He forgave the woman caught in adultery and said, “Go and sin no more” that is my advice. God will forgive us all our sins and no, just don’t do this again and stay faithful to your husband and to God. You will not be condemned (John 3:16-17). I pray this gives you peace for Jesus is not going to turn anyway away that comes to Him for forgiveness (John 6:37). Believe it! God said it and that settles it.


Katie July 17, 2013 at 6:21 am

Ave been in guilt and condemnation too. Thank you for the word of encouragement .


Kris July 9, 2013 at 3:16 pm

I would like to chime in too .

The fact that you agonize over this sin and have no desire to engage in it belies that the Spirit of truth is working in you …warning you how to avoid this .

Basing your actions upon feelings is one of the ways that God warns us to keep on track by way of avoiding what we may want but know is wrong.

Your sense that you should not have gone was that working in you ….I know how this happens …and many times it is after the fact that we recognize what we should have done and that ‘still small voice’ of truth that nagged us.

When Jesus “finished’ the payment for sins for the whole world it seems that that means for those who enter in we are FORGIVEN ….the confession of sin is to keep a short account so that the devil might not use guilt to try to keep us under condemnation.

When we feel guilt we will be duped into thinking we must somehow earn our salvation …rather when we are convicted it is to cause us to go to the Lord to ask Him to cleanse us of all unrighteousness as HE HAS provided this for us already .

IN HIM we are learning to WALK AFTER HIS righteousness which HIS WORD informs us of HOW that looks.

WE are to be imitators of Him in all that He shows us of His walk…and in the meantime as toddlers we may stumble …the Devil wants us to think we ‘cannot’ walk yet the Lord has offered us strength for the journey in His Words …as we learn them and then ask Him to help us complete our assigned walk through this world we will learn more and more to listen to Him and obey Him …not because we fear Hell but because as His child we seek to do all that pleases Him

HE HAS rescued you from damnation which awaits those who do not repent.

He offers repentance to those who are in the condition of NOT WANTING to continue in sin and they are making the effort to learn from HIM what to do.

One thing we CAN do is to cut off all kinds of things , people and environments which we may feel unable to deal with righteously ..to take on a new life sometimes means removing ourselves from the life we once lived IN and among.

This does not mean isolation but to ‘come out from among’ those things, activities and people that encourage and entice to take part in sinful life styles and choices.

Finding a fellowship of those intent upon doing this is important but it is not always easy. Some ‘help ‘ groups and even some churches avoid confronting sin and do not teach anything about it ..so many will congregate and continue in lust and desires that are opposing the process of sanctification.

We are not looking for human ‘lords’ so much as like minded fellows who desire to live rightly and encourage such developing holiness. To work together not to boss one another or employ bully tactics.

The true fellowship of the saints is a collection of those who love the Lord and are willing to acknowledge the need for encouragement and protection from what GOD advises us…NOT those who seek to take advantage of those who are willing to be taught and led but have little knowledge of the Lordship of the Lord and how HE will take them into His care.

I pray you will find this kind of fellowship for the strengthening of your desire and effort to walk in the Light as He is the light and the truth.

Many profess to know Him but you can only tell the true from the false by knowing HIM who IS the WORD by your study and submission to the WORD which you may read and ask Him for understanding .

May your walk in the truth as HE is the truth.


Kris July 9, 2013 at 3:51 pm

In addition may I add something also to this idea of LIMERANCE…..I believe I spelled this correctly.

I believe that the Lord designed BOTH man and woman with this hormonal response to their spouse which CAN be increased and sustained throughout life , inspite of what the present day thinking is . Sustaining and building upon this initial attraction is done by obeying what GOD commands men to do toward their wives …and then the response in women is also LIMERANCE

In women it is grown through attention, careful focus upon her which assures her of his love, and the growing sense of being valued. A man protects what he values.

Just watch any man with a new sports car he saved up and bought for himself!

A woman can tell if her husband values her by way of observing his eyes and actions in and among other women.

If he lets on that he is ‘interested’ in the others appearance or talents but does not give his wife full appreciation for what he admires in her he damages HIS ‘access’ to her heart.

The way to a woman’s heart is this kind of honor and value conveyed by his unwavering integrity to the standard God has places upon the husband.

Men who become aware of the way to awaken the emotions of women through egniting LIMERANCE …or the ‘in love feelings’ must become very careful of this .

When a man is a following the world ‘s idea of how many women he can ‘get’ like the notches on the belt mentality …it is endangering all concerned!

There is a sense of ‘romance’ which is very powerful in women in the senario you describe…the ‘Romeo and Juliet’ forbidden love…..and this is also enhanced by the framework of this other man being your ‘true love’

The ‘soul mate’ idea did not come from the Bible…it is from ancient ideas that a man was incomplete without his ‘other part’ …true it seems in Genesis that Adam was given the woman taken out of his body but keep in mind it was GOD who ‘joined them together ‘ …in what GOD intended the marriage to be .

The marriage is a picture of GOD reconciling mankind to himself through the sacrificial LIFE and death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Man is told to ‘die to himself’ to follow Jesus Christ not to die physically but to die to his own self interests and self direction…to take upon himself the NEW LORD who is Jesus Christ who directs us through the knowledge of His word HOW to live in all kinds of situations.

Marriage is a very special and holy or separate kind of relationship because it is represent and demonstrate how God loves his Bride ..the church.

The wooing that goes on toward marriage is never to be with self gratification in mind.

Marriage is a CRUCIBLE upon which we are to die to self and thus find our fulfillment as we obey GOD.

The way you feel in your confused situation is because you have ‘fallen for ‘ LIMERANCE which is what happens in women when we are treated as special, unique and singularly desired.

A man who is married will experience LIMERANCE as one of the way he is to be drawn to care about and care for his WIFE.

If he is addicted to pleasure and easy entertainment and is not willing to work in any form to continue to gain appreciation for the unique beauty and qualities in his wife he will not keep his attention and attraction upon her.

If he will not do so he will be drawn away because the appearance of women is designed to have that effect upon a man. He experiences LIMERANCE which is intended to grow as he invests his interest in his WIFE.

If he invests his interest apart from her he will lose interest in her …The Devil likes to cause us to start to look at the outward things or to criticize areas which are not AS attractive in all ways as other we may come to know more and more through work or other activities.

This lack of appreciation , contentment and gratitude causes people to begin to appreciate all other avenues to feeling great …being ‘happy’ at the expense of maturing in their life skills to learn how to LOVE and what true love IS .

Loving is what GOD is expert at.

Marriage is HIS created covenant.

The true love or the ‘soul mate’ is not the person who causes LIMERANCE in you because of your paying attention to them or the fantasy that you may have developed over the time spent in the world’s various media input…but true love is what GOD has made available to all those willing to learn and to grow in knowledge and behavior that will increase our appreciation for His love and what Love we may have within marriage.

The Devil has used this aspect of our design to deceive to steal , kill and destroy love in marriage and to bring many forms of it outside of marriage

Men may be drawn away from their duty in marriage to learn to love their wives and train themselves to avoid all other offers of LIMERANCE which steal his focus, energy and appreciation from his own wife.

This is foolish ..it displays and communicates that he is weak and immature in his way of loving ..He broadcasts to others that he is unwilling to learn to grow up in the things of Love and in being truly under the command and lordship of Jesus Christ if in the church.

I have sat in churches of many kinds and heard over and over the kinds of teaching that seem to tell women that they are the one’s responsible for keeping their husband’s at home and faithful ..This is backwards and upside down. Many wives are urgently trying to please their husbands who are not keeping themselves satisfied with their wives.

Men who encourage themselves to feel entitled to infidelity . Their own behavior has caused their wives much anxiety and pain …Wives who offer themselves sexually and initiate only to still find husbands lusting after other women and engaging in impurity.

Whenever my husband declared his admiration or interest in other women I would examine myself ..comparing myself to those who he felt so attracted to and could not stop his ongoing declarations of it to me.

This with the rejection and neglect all the while …He insisted upon his own life apart from being a couple.

This is ungodly and damaging …When I hear a man say that he has a frigid wife I think of what GOD has commanded of husbands and think this man is foolish ..he does not realize he has just confessed to having damaged his wife.

Women usually do not commit to marriage to a man they do not believe loves them …or to men who have not led them to believe that they are the only woman he wants.

We know that other women are attractive but it is difficult to disrobe in front of a husband who has engaged in a lifetime of ‘loving ‘ other women and one in particuar.

Women do evaluate and see themselves through the eyes of the man they love …they have been led to do so but even the Word of GOD declares that a wife ‘s desire will be FOR her husband.

I have heard men from the pulpit declare that this means the wife will want to’usurp ‘ the man’s authority! I desired my husband to lead our life ..HE told me he did not WANT to and did not want to learn about that …he wanted to lead his life as a married man but live as a single man!

I did not realize that the man who declared undying and singular love for me would eventually tire of the effort it takes to BE a faithful and loving husband.

Many who cheat say that they never thought they would and many of those are those who resist the information that all men need to become aware of their design and vulnerabilities which if they will not prepare to avoid sin WILL be deceived.

It is those who believe they are fully able to resist who fail to realize the truth about pride coming before a fall.

Indeed my husband had so many great attributes he could not imagine keeping all of them for only ONE woman …especially the one HE CHOSE and DEMANDED to marry for life!

Flattery indeed draws many into sin because it make one feel ‘happy’ and ‘good’ about one’s self ….

Past lovers seem to ‘appear’ in one’s life when troubles are in the marriage as they do in all marriages. Challenges are what marriage offers to us to over come and grow.

When “options ‘ come along that ‘seem right’ and ‘good ‘ rather than struggle to over come people today who are not interested in the way GOD would grow us up ..will buy the lie.

Remember LIMERANCE CAN grow in a marriage where the two are intent upon learning HOW this is done by God’s information.

LIMERANCE will come along in life which is NOT useful to holiness OR happiness and will rip off that which you have been investing in and assigned to do in marriage …for yourselves and how it gives children a good life long exposure to the truth of how love is to be entered into ..kept and grown in marriage.

Women are vulnerable through attention and admiration…thus many young women think attention IS love so they dress to attract men’s eyes,……Men are vulnerable to what they SEE so they are ‘turned on’ in this way …thus porn and ‘innocent ‘ watching of women is thought to be ‘normal ‘ and ‘natural’ …it can lead to further investing of time and energy in empty relationships and broken hearts.

Do not be fooled by way of LIMERANCE apart from and outside of the marriage …what you feel by way of hormones is what belongs in the marriage and can be there is those in the marriage are willing to apply wisdom to their relationship and to cast off the offerings of the superficial.


anonymus June 29, 2013 at 1:06 pm

Hello Jack,
Thank you for that and yes it has put my mind at ease, i do actually feel better , God Bless you and thank you for taking the time to reply back to me .


sara July 1, 2013 at 10:15 pm

My story is a sad one I believe because it is an example of what can happen to a believer. I was in sin as a young woman and I was saved. I met my husband and we married when I was 24. I was baptised at 25 while pregnant with our first child. confessed all my sins of sexual impurity at that time. I knew God forgave me. My marraige was a difficult one but I did not stray or en thk of it. Then after 12 yrs my dad died. I was mourning still when our family moved near younger couple with kids my childrens age. We soon learned that they were troubled. Both hatd cm
Commited adultry and had swung with other couples


sara July 1, 2013 at 10:47 pm

There were other problems with drug addiction and pornography and mental illness especially the husband. I had a deep care and concern for the kids and prayed for the family and for their salvation
I took the kids to church and witnessed to the wife andy husband witneased to them. They were not interesed in attending church bit wantes to spend time with us. I wanted to help them. Over tome though I
did not create enough boundaries and even though I had prayed for everyone else I was not praying for my own protection. My husband noticed that I wàs watching their kids too much when I had my hands full with my own. One day
I stood on the backyard and glanced over to their yard where the husband was working in the yard and smiled

I briefly mAde


sara July 2, 2013 at 11:38 am

Eye contact. Then I went into the house. Later, when my husband came he I was in the living room and the neighbor came to pick up his daughter. He haf an angry look in his eyes. He looked jeoulous. I was confused. I knew that he was suffering from different things like scizophrenia and was on meds. I was afraid of him but thought it was right to show God,s love. We did nog know the dangers of being around darkness and the harmful spirits that are


sara July 2, 2013 at 12:06 pm

There. I do not remember having lustful thoughts. Only that I was losing a lot of weight and feeling good. I found out my hus.band amd I were expecting another baby around the same time. Shortly after that, the neighbors moved out. I was sensing a spirit was present near the house when they moved. My husband agreed to paint there for them. I went on and we moved out too. I thought everything was.ok. But I had a nervous breakdown during the pregnancy. I sought help from the church. I even told others about my experience. It did not help


sara July 2, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Then later, after the baby was born I started struggling with temptation. And when my husband was struggling with anger I was praying for answers. I went to our pastor. He did not have answers and I needed to vent. I turned to an anonymous website and blogged about my problems. I received some helpful advice but was not prepared for whatwould
Happen. A man sent me messages with the wrong intentions.
I was not


sara July 2, 2013 at 12:54 pm

To resist temptation. We chatted often. Then he wanted a picture. My husband caught me. I needed that. We talked and I agreed to end it in order to work on the marraige. My husband and I met with our pastor seperately. He told my husband to forgive me. He did not day much to me but I did tell him that I was afraid it could happen again. Months later it did. I don’t understand it. I had asked for forgiveness from God. Then I end up messing up again. This went on for a while. My husband and I had problems and we had separated. I put a ppo on him too because of violence. I feel terrible because I know about how it was my fault just as much. Then, things spiraled and things went too far with the guy. I went into a deep depression. I went to my husband and apologized once I realized how far off I had gone. I felt so bad I had months of counseling and ended up in a mental facility. V,


sara July 2, 2013 at 1:10 pm

The sad thing is that while the internet affair was going on I had little knowlege that it was sin. Why? I don’t know! But clearly it was. God confronted me w once it had gone too far.I also have no interest in the guy and do not contact him anymore. I cannot figure it out why I would waste my time with him when I have a family that I love. It was like a whole year was wasted. I am not sure where I stand. I had little ability to reason while I was in the sin and now the guilt is tremendous.h


sara July 2, 2013 at 1:22 pm

That I can not move forward. I struggle with my spiritual life too. It is not the way I wanted things to be and I never visualized myself having this problem and I never desired to commit adultery either so something went wrong seriously wrong! There must have been a spirit involved that had influence on me to get me tp that point that I would
arm myself.


anonymus July 9, 2013 at 3:58 am

Hello Sara,
Read my story and see the answer i received, i struggled with guilt and was under the impression that i had lost my salvation. Before i committed adultery with my ex husband i was loyal to my husband and looking back now i feel that it was a spiritual force that influenced me to commit adultery because a few weeks before i was at a meeting with my best friend and her husband was into a lot of pornography and that night we were all praying and he prayed for me and laid hands on me, i felt something electrical shoot through me , i thought it was the power of prayer ,but my friend was always dubious about whether or not her husband should be praying for people because of what he was doing on the internet, at the end of the day i committed adultery but my husband forgave me and i love him so much i felt so wicked for what i did to him. He knew my struggles and even quoted scripture to me about God’s forgiveness but i couldn’t grasp it, i ended up searching Christian websites for answers and i found it here, i am very happy i found this site as the reply i received has changed my walk with the Lord, i no longer feel i have lost my salvation and i am feeling very close to the Lord , i am putting things right which i feel in my spirit were wrong, sometimes we need a good old reprimand from the Lord to shake us back into doing what is right. I can tell you now that you are forgiven 100% by God for what you did , don’t waste anymore time letting the past steal your joy and peace of the Lord because if God can forgive King David who committed adultery and murder , then we are forgiven also .

I hope you can move on now and just let the Lord fill your life with peace and his love because it all starts there when you let him enter in and take control .
God bless you and your family and may the peace of God fall upon you as you read this post .

peace to you in Jesus name Amen


k July 10, 2013 at 10:14 pm

My husband has cheated with another person in our church who is married. We are all or were very close and have all talked recently. is this crazy am i crazy? Both marriages were in a bad place when this brief affair took place, since then we have all been working toward making our marriages work.

It is recommended that we don’t talk to one another, or be friends. Please help confused!


k July 10, 2013 at 10:16 pm

Is this the Christian way? Not to talk or be friends, not be in the same room?


Kris July 11, 2013 at 1:52 pm


So sorry you have to have this situation …it is especially distressing with people who you have known and shared the faith with. Sexual sin is powerful . It is something that Jesus Christ addressed with the warnings that he put forth so that we would understand how deadly it is . It is not unforgivable but the consequential ‘fruit’ is very deadly in that it does not just effect the people doing it or just their spouses but it has a ‘leavening’ effect upon the whole community.

It is an attack upon the image of a loving Husband who is faithful to the way Christ intended marriage to demonstrate to the body of believers and the outlying world the way He was willing to love his bride.

The worlds effect upon the minds of people has become more powerful than the knowledge of the truth of the Word in many churches because people have not been taught or have not taken upon themselves to seek in the Bible what would equip them with the reason to obey God and the ways to protect their love for their spouses.

Many do not realize that there are seasons and various challenges that are normal to marriage and must be prepared with a mental attitude to endure and learn how to overcome.

Marriage is not like any other relationship we have with other people but ignorance of the ways that it is distinctly different [sacred] have led to people feeling that if it does not ‘work out’ then they may ‘break up’ ! One person wrote that the practice of dating has reduced people’s understanding of the way marriage requires a full change of identity from single to married just as salvation requires a full change of identity from dead to living …as Christ is the only way to receive what “life’ really IS .

The various ‘pressure points’ that marriage exerts on character are meant to cause us to lean more upon the Lord and learn more of the wisdom that His word offers and then apply it to our challenges.

The Devil and his army enjoy applying pressure or offering pleasure OUTSIDE the various boundaries of protection God provides for people by way of learning and obeying what God has told us to do.

All of His word is to provide examples of those who did obey and those who did not and thus give ample reason to heed the warnings of the commandments of how we may live without being violated by sucumbing to tempations.

One problem we have in today’s world is that what GOD has called evil or even temptations are viewed by the ungodly world as ‘opportunities ‘ and ‘solutions”!

In the church many are falling into sin because the church has failed to warn …believing that preaching about the dangers of sin or the responsiblitiye of believers to walk IN the truths and commands of GOD is ‘unnecessary’ today because of ‘grace’!

Grace was not to become permissive to ignore parts of the Bible in favor of ‘freedom’ …our ‘freedom ‘ now in Christ is to learn wisdom to avoid sin ….to be ‘free from the LAW OF SIN and DEATH” means we may choose to learn to avoid falling for deceptions.

God has said ‘My people are DESTROYED for LACK OF KNOWLEDGE” …that would be the knowledge of the truth in Christ Jesus.

If you have fallen into adultery the first things that are advised is to cut off contact with those who you have gone into adultery with.

IF you attend the same church then consider that the church has not addressed some of the warnings and taught the congregation directly about this sin and how to avoid it .

To stop talking with the couple you have had this sinful activity with does not mean you do not exchange regret and offer apology but reconciliation demands a prior repentance and that may be very difficult for you if you try to ‘be friends’ at this time.

Distance will allow for you to deal with the things in your hearts and marriage as a couple and individuals that is required for your walk with the LORD FIRST and then with your spouse.

Beware of trying to dissect what is ‘wrong’ with your marriage before dealing with the infidelity.

Also consider what your state of faith in Christ is at this time ….examine yourselves to see if you are IN the faith indeed or perhaps have been under a delusion that ‘going to church’ sometimes leads to assumptions of a ‘relationship ‘ with Christ which in reality is really only a social connection to the idea of Christianity.

We see a radical dealing with sins that GOD did not want to spread in the OT …death was one way to reduce the ‘normalization’ of sin.

In today’s world we may be aghast to observe the growing plague of adultery …various other forms of sexual sin and perversion but all sin creeps into a society by way of first becoming ‘normalized’ through media and through no responsible action on the part of those who teach in the church!

The church itself has become more and more like the world through teachers who have not taught the word but have been trained up in doctrines of men. The ones that have done this have continued to encourage what is pleasant and comfortable fearing the losses that teaching the whole truth might bring about to the ‘company’ that the churches often have become despite the claims of ‘love’ . This kind of ‘love ‘ is lacking in the things that teach protective truth.

Anyway …it is often very hard to heal after adultery or any addictive activity if not cut off entirely …ALSO there must be something put in place of that addiction .

1Cr 16:15 I beseech you, brethren, (ye know the house of Stephanas, that it is the firstfruits of Achaia, and [that] they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints,)

If you have not had a passion for the Lord and His Word then now is the time to pursue and develop one!

One of the ways we find that we grow in admiration and love for someone or something is to learn more and more about them

That is one of the ways that people get “hooked’ to someone other than their spouse ..they spend too much time , focus and energy …learning about that OP …they need to do what GOD said which is to focus all of that on their spouse EXCLUSIVELY!

The false sciences of psychology define this in a lot of ways that seem to say that the one flesh ways that GOD has informed us marriage works optimum are ‘sick’ or ‘wrong’ …I think they need to get some ‘eye salve’ from the Lord and take another look at what the scriptures actually DO say about marriage and love .

As you seek out help to overcome this sticky situation many people offer opinionss and some even claim to be authorities …but you have a great deal at stake here…your souls, your love, your families , your LORD …

If your church or pastor do not encourage you to stay in the marriage or to hope in the Lord and seek in the Word …you may want to change churches….Our salvation is not in people , churches , organizations or friendships …our world is NOT OF the Kingdom of GOD and Jesus told us that HIS Kingdom is NOT OF THIS world.

We must be more concerned with doing what HE has told us despite the cost and in marriage that means ONE FLESH is FOR the spouse …despite all others .

In Christ we are to be concerned with HIM and not what people feel , say or ‘command’ by way of soliciting our feelings !

These are some keys that may help you discern what you first love and responsibilities are . Humanism has had it’s say in our day and time too long and has influenced even Christians to believe their first obligation is to please men ….God has written clearly what our first love and duty is …

Ecc 12:13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this [is] the whole [duty] of man.

The first commandment is FIRST because without obeying IT we are not equipped to do the second one! It is hard but it is what we must learn to do as we learn from GOD what it is that HE defines as ‘love’ from how HE uses this term …

2Jo 1:6 And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.

God’s form of love is founded upon our loving HIM which HE equates to learning what He says and then DOING it …obedience!

Disobedience was the key in how Adam took it upon himself to obey his own desires rather than God

Jesus ‘s demonstration of love was first to His Father …He always did the will of His Father…

WHOM we obey is who we demonstrate we LOVE

God’s FIRST commandment involves learning from HIM …by way of His WORD what HE would have us think and then do.

Deu 6:5 And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

Deu 11:1 Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway

He loves mankind best who loves GOD enough to OBEY HIS WORDS.

Thus the second commandment is dependent upon first learning how GOD wants to be loved.

TO love others we learn that they need to learn to Love GOD …and that means we do not try to be the SOLUTION for their need but to direct our own lives to be concerned about what GOD wants us to be and do ..and to direct others to HIM

This is not the message often heard as it is actually thought to be easier to do as the humanists do …which is to become the solution or the ‘god’ to those who solicit other people to become their supply.

Helping others is good and right but when we do so through our relationship with the Lord through having knowledge HE offers to us in His word we will then be equipped more and more with the ability to know what is GOD’S job and what our own responsibilities are

THus God’s priority list would help many marriages if people would take them to heart.

Those are laid out in the first exposition of the laws of marriage in Genesis.

God first

Spouse next’ even to the ‘leaving of the parents’ who were our first human priority before marriage ‘

Then devotion to the growing and protecting of the ONE FLESH covenant that GOD ordained between the two ..making them ONE .

The marriage is the forming of ONE temple from TWO …as JESUS told us that our bodies are HIS TEMPLE

TO be a good steward of our bodies this helps us to recognize the responsibility we have for the condition of our bodies and the use of them .The violation of bodies through sexual sin thus become more and more of a serious consideration!

No one would think burning down a building was “OK” as long as everyone agreed to it ….nor would any of the other aspects of life that we assume should be held in honor and safety….It seems that human life and bodies have become less and less of a concern …just as long as it is not OUR OWN that is being damaged!

I think this form of disassociation with reality has been taught to us …programmed if you will ….abortion is one of the outcomes ..and the lack of concern for sinful choices that people are destroying themselves with …as well as destroying society.

There is no sin and especially sexual sin that does not eventually destroy.

I hope this has shed some of the light upon this issue that I have been making effort to study in the Word to try to learn how to deal with the adultery my husband has committed his whole life to ..and thus has brought unspeakable difficulties into not just his own life but the lives of all who he has had any relationship with.

This is a leavening sort of sin that causes much destruction and pain to all.

Whatever you need to do to get an arena which is disconnected to those things which will bring up a resurgence of memories for you will be helpful.

Jhn 8:42 Jesus said unto them, If God were your Father, ye would love me: for I proceeded forth and came from God; neither came I of myself, but he sent me.

Jhn 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

Jhn 14:23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.


sara July 16, 2013 at 2:10 pm

Thanks ANonymous. I really want to believe what you are saying! It ia painful for you too I am sure to share your story.k


Stumped July 23, 2013 at 8:31 pm

I’ve been married for 16 years and my husband has not touched me in 14. He will not work on the problem which leaves me lonely and thinking God surely did not intend for me to live a life without human contact from my husband. We are friends; we are Christians; I am attractive as is he. He is kind and supportive, we both are to each other. He is just completely disinterested in sex. Medical and psychological doctors have not made a difference.

Would you say this is God’s intention for me? I am thinking about another man and praying not to stray, but the lure is strong. Not interested in divorce, just loving another before this life is over. Thoughts?


Jack Wellman July 24, 2013 at 12:24 pm

Hello Stumped. I am not the author of this article but please allow me to say that I am so sorry for such trials as this and that you are not getting satisfaction in your marriage. I see you are not interested in divorce and that is good but what concerns me is that you are thinking about another man and just loving another before life is over. That of course, as you must know, would be adultery. If this man is living the life we are supposed to live as a Christian (1 John 3) then he should know better and I would cut off this relationship immediately since you are already being tempted it seems.

No, God did not intend for your marriage to be this way but this does not make it right to have your affections on another outside of your marriage. Have you counseled with your pastor or sought counseling from a Christian marriage counselor? What has your own pastor said? The lure is strong so even more important is it to leave this other man, a Christian or friend or not.


Kris July 24, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Good reply Jack….It is hard to ‘put to sleep’ our desires for our husband or spouse when they are struggling with this kind of thing. It is harder still when they do not wish to discuss it with us or seek help.

I am thankful for your post as it is an encouragment to those who are going through what is a very difficult part of their life as a married person.

I have felt that loneliness IN MARRIAGE is harder to deal with than being alone as a single person because I do not feel there is a way to deal with this as perhaps a single person has HOPE of a future relationship when they marry.

I feel now the losses of having not had proper preparation for both of us before marriage…Women tend to seek out information to learn how to be the best wife and to be pleasing to husbands.

Apart from the Word of GOD the world teaches so much GARBAGE as it relates to marriage and sex which often leads to a poor ability to discuss and enjoy relationships within the marriage.

That seems to be the way the enemy has played havoc with lack of knowledge of what GOD DOES say to us in His word OR twisting it and distorting our understanding and thus our practical living and expectations as we enter into it.

My husband is still very ‘private’ and ‘standoffish ‘ in relating to me and certainly not approaching me or receiving affection. I have to patiently determine that this is a ‘season’ rather than the ‘end’ of our relationship as was intended by the marriage covenant. It does have to work to ‘grow’ patience …because I feel I have little other options.

IN our case his guilt has grown up to the point where he is demoralized and he does not believe any of the promises of forgiveness or even my demonstrations of love and forgiveness for his adultery … I think it is more challenging since he must interact with the children of the adultery on a regular basis this acts as as a leverage of guilt in two ways …It offers him a ‘distraction’ for what might work to cause him to invest in our relationship and marriage and family as he is somewhat ‘satisfying’ the need to feel he is doing something ‘good’ for someone …young teens.

And is keeps him detached from us …the renewed ‘enjoyment ‘ he gains from being with them and feeling that he is doing what he is supposed to do for them …has seemed to have him feel he is ‘off the hook’ to engage properly and put any effort into our relationship.
I think also that his lengthy adulterous attitude which he covered up for so much of our marriage has formed a character in him that seems to feel there is now ‘no hope’ and all of what was satisfactory in whatever reason he had for ‘having me’ in his life …to the slim degree he allowed…is gone in his thinking.

Building up my ‘value’ in his eyes for his life seems to be what I must do all the while trusting GOD to work something forward in his life so that he becomes desirous of having any kind of relationship with me.

He is a proud man and does not want to have to examine his own life for any of what he would regard as ‘weakness’ ..

I do not want any other man …even if my husband passed away …God forbid…I realize there is a LOT that goes into a marriage that I was willing to put forth for the glory of GOD and the good of all …but with someone who is unwilling and self centered it is a LOT of work pulling the plow alone …even yoked with the Lord …the earthly experience of being unequally yoked is very VERY tiring .

OR am I mistaken?

My son just told me that he proposed to his girlfriend of several years. I have seen very little of either of them …they live in another state. I have spoken with the girl twice and in depth about the Lord and marriage but I don’t think there is any evidence of a hunger or desire [Yet] to pursue the Lord.

My son has been somewhat ‘distracted’ from pursuing a relationship with the Lord as well through video games, work and the people he has developed friendships with. Homeschooling was useful to inform but it is no guarantee of each child having their own faith.

The influence of his father [or lack of involvment and demonstration of respect for the Word ] combined with his mixing in and becoming more and more a part of non believers ..has taken it’s toll . I guess I MUST continue to ask the Lord to deal with his life.

The now fiance is from another country as well ..the various things that come to my mind that may bring MORE areas in their marriage for difficulties are keeping me up at night! He does not speak her language ..she speaks English with some ease .

I feel as though more and more of my life must be ‘handed over’ to the working of the Lord..which I suppose is a “must” anyway …but it is hard.

I hope putting this here is OK …I was not sure where to post and it sort of began on topic but then went this way! Post adultery stress is something I had not realized effected so many areas of our lives!

Thanks for your patience….


kris July 24, 2013 at 2:01 am


How difficult this must be for you, I have gone through this as well . It is very hard and there are many things that can be at the root of this .

It is really difficult when the person will not ‘work ‘ on finding out could be the reasons for this.

You say you are both Christians, how does this impact his life? It is difficult to understand when someone is following Christ but is not interested in fully engaging in what marriage has to offer in every aspect. Does he desire to grow through his walk and to examine more the various ways that GOD has instructed us to interact with one another in marriage?

There are many things that can effect one’s libido …hormones, depression, over load , stress, unaddressed sin …sometimes they may not acknowledge what it is …all kinds of things that a follower of Christ may have to deal with.

God has given us the ‘roadmap’ to invest in a total life as we steward our bodies which are HIS temple…and gain a great deal of health in all parts of our being …as we learn what He tells us and then obey Him.

Just because he may not understand why he is not interested does not mean there is no answer. There is a possibility too that he may sense what the reason is, but does not want to face it ….or deal with it.

Christ gave us a lifespan to learn, mature and grow …not all is ‘fun’ , ‘pleasant’ or what we may have grown up believing was “OK”.

Some of us have been raised to expect perfection of ourselves or of our idea of what marriage or sex ‘should ‘ be .This can greatly hinder our enjoyment or even our ability to express what we feel , need or don’t enjoy. Some of this is family of origin ‘ways’ .

Whatever the issue is …we hope to help each other through and past these various hindrances and through the knowledge of the word on all kinds of things that are God given and designed we might become delivered of these things and even more fulfilled in experiencing sharing these with one loving partner who knows us and still loves and cherishes sharing all of what life has to offer .

What God gave us in marriage is a unique opportunity to live learning about love by way of being so close with one other person …as we also learn and apply the things He has told us about our part in marriage.

It is nothing really like the world’s version we have had impressed upon us through all other influences that surround our lives growing up.

I can see your great angst in all the missing aspects of what marriage is intended to be for BOTH who are in it. Jesus Christ also has a ‘vested interest’ in your marriage becoming the demonstration of HIS love for His church.

I think many of those who are struggling with this are at a loss to understand their own part in marriage in all of it’s complexities.

Some feel that sex “should ‘ be a lot of what is fed to us through media….and culture. This can put a lot of pressure , especially upon both sexes as they feel that they must conform to some ‘norm’ which is focusing upon sex as an ‘event’ or an ‘activity’ with various ‘utopian ideals’ impressed upon us.

It is actually something that was to be a ‘fruit’ out of the relationship of two lives that are focused upon pleasing God by way of working through things as they are most concerned about their spouse’s quality of life beginning with being so interested in their best interest…that SELF is less of an issue.

Like I said that also may become a ‘pressure point’ …so loving the OTHER that it causes concern of not living ‘up’ to the various ideas we bring to the sexual part of marriage.

I feel your pain for I am dealing with a similar situation. May the Lord open up your understanding as you walk through this issue with your eyes and heart turned toward Him .

Continue to read the Bible asking the Lord to speak to you through scripture…slow reading …waiting …and continuing at the throne of the one who has loved you before , during and forever after ..and your spouse too ..even if he is not aware of it .

Keep yourself IN close relationship with the Lord and ask Him to help you deal with your need within the covenant of your marriage . Sometimes it is having to draw from His strength when dealing with an unyielding spouse that grows you for a better future breakthrough as you are patiently petitioning on the behalf of the need of your spouse to become willing and desire to learn what is causing this in himself.

I hope this is somewhat helpful …I know how hard this is ….many comforts from He who is my comforter to help you through this.

Involving another person in your marriage is adultery …and effects not only you and your spouse but takes another of God’s temple’s into a sinful and defiling situation, even if THEY see no harm in it…It IS harmful…disastrously so…in our culture we tend to underestimate the damage ..but the aftermath is simply NOT WORTH it …

We are still reeling in our marriage [33 years! and counting] The effects upon our family and my husband is a deeply self wounded man now that see experiences all of the ramifications of infidelity as we all do..

All people belong to the Lord….just because they may be willing does not change the consequences of what sin does in them and to others.

My husband viewed other women as ‘fair game’ because they were ‘willing’ and agreed to have a ‘fling’ ..since they were ‘single and free’ …

1Cr 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are NOT YOUR OWN?

1Cr 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

If someone is not your own spouse they are not ‘free’ because they belong to the Lord and if not married they MAY be someone else’s spouse in the future …This is not something taught to people from the world is it?…I know I did not look at it this way ..but it makes a difference I think to understand this .

The VOW of marriage is made to GOD as well as the spouse and in front of the witnesses. Marriage involves an identity change from single to married….for life. It involves attitudes that are willing to learn what God says because there is a recognition that His directions are GOOD , WISE and BENEFICIAL.

Maybe if you are able to investigate further and maybe with your husband you can find some of the great reasons God’s reasons for doing things he tells husbands to do will bless both of you without feeling too awkward about it .

I hope I have been able to offer you some useful counsel in this most frustrating and difficult situation ..but with GOD nothing is too hard…especially when it concerns HIS ‘image’ of Jesus Christ and His bride… the MARRIAGE covenant!

it is such a great privilege and full of so much blessing it is hugely under attack!

Jam 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

One book that may help …

“MEN AND SEX…Discovering greater love, passion, and intimacy with your wife”

By Clifford L. Penner PhD…and his wife Joyce J Penner M.N.,R.N.
Thomas Nelson Pub. Copyright 1997

This is a book for men, but wives may find it helps in understanding some of what challenges men in terms of sexual issues in marriage.

Also Ken Nair’s “Understanding the Mind of a Woman’


“Love Life for Every Married Couple ”
By Dr. Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins

December 24, 1996

Physician Ed Wheat has helped thousands of couples improve their love-lives and build happier marriages. In Love Life for Every Married Couple, he’ll help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating and focusing healing attention on your mate. Answering physical, psychological and stress-related questions in a Christian context, Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life.

Most Helpful REVIEWS…from Amazon’s Site

57 of 57 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Best Marriage Book I’ve Read September 6, 2005

By K. Thomas


This book definitely changed my marriage and may have saved it. Over the years we had lost much of the intimacy in our relationship and I didn’t even realize it until my wife basically told me she didn’t love me any more. I never considered that this was even possible, but it happenned to me.

I have read a number of marriage books since this occurred. All were highly reviewed. All were good; this was the best. It is a complete guide to marriage. It is definitely a Christian guide but it isn’t preachy.

This is not a book of exercises for couples in a troubled marriage. It is much more. Those other books were valuable too, but this provides a frame of reference that even makes those other books better.

I would highly recommend it to any married couple or anyone desiring to get married. It is useful for all marriages whether healthy or troubled. It opened my eyes to what a truly intimate relationship can be like. We didn’t have one before but with the help of this book, we do now. We are still working through our issues, but I am amazed at the positive changes. Although I realized that I had to make more changes than she did, it was the best thing I ever did.

(Author), Gloria Okes Perkins


Jack Wellman July 24, 2013 at 3:59 pm

Thank Kris. As I have said before, Martin Luther started the Great Reformation and even when faced with death, he stated, “Unless I am convinced by proofs from Scriptures or by plain and clear reasons and arguments, I can and will not retract, for it is neither safe nor wise to do anything against conscience. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.”


Kris July 24, 2013 at 6:29 pm

Jack …you have the sweetest savor I am sure that the Lord has found a worthy vessel in you since you always seem to have something kind and wise to exhort or encourage…..you do this ….

Pro 25:11 A word fitly spoken [is like] apples of gold in pictures of silver.

Sorry I seem to write so much….I find that many who are making their way through the unique set of emotions that adultery bring to their lives are either very verbose or unable to share at all.

Having made effort to try to learn what the godly things are for me to do in this situation I have taken in a lot and tried to evaluate it all by way of examining and comparing in scripture but still desire any input and wise counsel from those who are also students of the Word and doulos of Jesus Christ.

Thank you!! Jack , and Robert , David, Daryl, Mr. PEACH [love that name!] Pam and all of those who are offering helps to those who come to this site! A lovely offering of grace to the hearers.


confused1 December 13, 2013 at 11:09 am

just wondering if anyone has some answers for me as i’m a tage confused after reading this. my ex husband and i got divorced 8 years ago we have a 10 year old son together (who he does not see anymore) we got divorced under the reason of adultery as he left when my son was born for a year and cheated with several different woman whilst we were separated, we got back together for 6 month’s but i couldn’t cope with the idea of him being with someone else and i ended up leaving and filing for divorce which he wanted as well. im now remarried and have 2 children with my new husband but from what ive been reading my divorce wasnt justified even though he committed adultery and therefore my current marriage isnt even valid in God’s eyes, so where exactley does that leave me and my husband, im confused


Matt77 April 20, 2014 at 2:09 am

Thank you for this article. Though a professed christian for many years, about 2 days back I fell into sin of adultery on a business trip.

Am overcome with godly sorrow and repented and crying out to God past couple of days and see what I have lost and cannot get back. Writing with prayers and tears.

I know God can forgive me and has forgiven me, but what about my wife and kids. How can I tell her?, when do I tell her, she will be devastated, I want to confess to her but so very scared of hurt, pain and consequence of my action on her. Also, want to tell my pastor. Am convinced, this will never again happen in my life. Should I just keep it between God and me?, what is correct way to right path…Will my children be effected?

Need your prayers and advice.


Jack Wellman April 21, 2014 at 11:57 am

Hello Matt77 and thank you for your comment and question. I am not the author of this fine article but please allow me to help if I may. I can tell that you have expressed sorry and have repented of this sin and that you have obviously confessed it to God where God promises to forgive us when we ask Him for it (1 John 1:8). Being a pastor myself and having this situation before me a few times I would always recommend you talk privately with your pastor and see what he says and then go from there before you do anything else. As a pastor, I can assure you that I would never and have never shared what others have privately counseled with me over and prayed for them over but the author of this article has said that he will pray for you sir as will I. I agree that you should keep this between you and God since you seem to not want this to ever happen again but I would still advise you to speak with your pastor over this. Please do this and we will be praying for you…the author of this article, and Kris (I know this godly woman is so wise and full of faith) and I will as well. Start there and please check back with us and see what he says and your name and email naturally will not ever be shared with anyone. For that you can be sure.


Kris April 20, 2014 at 12:33 pm


Luk 7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

The more one is in relationship with Jesus Christ the more one is able to seek and RECEIVE His provision for sin that so easily snares human beings

The more a man has a relationship with his wife the better it is for him. As a person cares about offending , shaming Jesus Christ and leading others into sin the more a person will take care to learn how to avoid sinful thoughts, choices and behaviors.

I warn you to avoid taking random advice in such a serious situation. I do not know the relationship you have with Christ or your wife.

I had a strong desire to please the Lord in thanksgiving having recognized how much He forgave and cleansed me of and was intent to learn how to avoid falling into sin.

This was not the case with my husband . I have spent the last seven plus years seeking to learn how he decided to sin with other women and one in particular. Even with the first discovery some 33 years ago and my confronting lovingly and with forgiveness his rejection of the Lord and all relationship with any believers including me led him into more and more decisions to keep away from the Word , other believers and anyone who he might be accountable to .

Instead he sought out people of high social stature and low morals. His concern for pleasing men and himself led him to where he is today . His rejection of opening his life to me from the beginning gave him plenty of privacy to do whatever his flesh under the suggestions of the culture led him to think and do.

I know the Lord forgives and cleanses us of all sin but it is not so we can forget about learning how to avoid going back into it. If it remains a secret it leaves one open for more suggestions from the adversary to not take it too seriously ‘As long as no one knows’ …but sin will always be revealed as in my husband’s case …some 26 years into our marriage and 14 years into his adulterous relationship with two children as a result of manipulation of both of them . They now hate each other and since my husband has NEVER confessed to anything but was found out he will not receive any kind of forgiveness or try reconcilation . After two years of faint effort he has left our home . We are left to deal with the resulting wounds . He can’t take dealing with the damage HE has done.

SO if your sorrow is unto repentance remember that it will be a shock to all and necessary for you to also take some action to demonstrate your willingness and desire to learn how to avoid areas of life that encourage you to take less concern about it.

I am thankful for your coming to ask about this …may the Lord work in this situation to strengthen your marriage and relationship with your wife and to turn this into a lesson for all who know you that GOD is good and will restore you to Himself and through time and effort on your part to a stronger relationship with your wife and family. People want to forgive so be encouraged now it is up to you to be convinced of the forgiveness God offers all who come to Him in spirit and in truth.


Matt77 April 20, 2014 at 2:02 pm

Thank you for your words and encouragement. Am deeply in Godly sorrow. I believed I had a strong relationship with Christ but failed on major commandment. Am getting to experience God’s mercy in a new way, and still is deep pain and loss of appetite. .

I will never make this mistake again. My heart goes into mood swings, though. My wife certainly did not deserve this from me. I am grieved to think of destroying her world and confessing my sin. I know she has right to know, am still in a different city and wife is pregnant with our second baby and to be back for it…not best time to tell her and I pray God shows me time and place. Is it sin not to tell her?….can I confess to my Pastor? (who also I will be offending with this sin). He wanted me to be with him in ministry, now have i lost it.

This was so precious to loose like this…I want to stand for Jesus ever more strongly. Request if i can get a phone counselling and prayer from Robert or recommended senior christian leader/pastor.


Kris April 20, 2014 at 6:09 pm

Dear sorrowful Matt

I can identify with your pain . I had just had our first baby when I learned of my husbands first infidelity. It’s rough, I had been in ministry for some seven years before I met him and he was fairly new to his walk at the time we married. I forgave him . I went and met with the OW and asked her if she believed in God and if she believed God loved her and if she believed God wanted the best for her …she said yes to all of the above. I said :”God’s best for you will never be another woman’s husband’ …later she called in tears and told me she was sorry and was going to leave the workplace where she worked with my husband and leave town….’ it was only upon D Day seven years ago I learned that she was also a married woman at that time.

My husband’s error was not wanting to learn anything from anyone about how to avoid sinful things. He told me he did not want to study about being a husband or learn how to be a father. He was not interested in learning about how he needed to be aware of vulnerabilities or how he needed to take action to protect his affection for me and others from becoming ‘useful ‘ for his own desires.

All of these things only further enabled him to be deceived. His being unteachable and self reliant and self willed all contributed to his becoming a better liar . He was not truely sorrowful.

I can see how you are deeply concerned about how this news will effect your wife. Frankly I do not know how I was able to take my new baby along with me to speak with the OW at that time …the most recent discovery hit me like a ton of bricks…I did not have ANY idea of my husband being willing to do all he has done since he is so proud and seemed to have such a great concern for fairness and his own integrity that he would not want to compromise ….but we sometimes underestimate the power of the world, the flesh and the devil!

Do not buy the lie that you have lost your testimony ! God is able to make all grace abound toward you and He is able to use our lives in testimony as we continue and allow the Word to direct our lives. Forgiveness is what we all need and I am guessing your know that .

Forgiving ourselves and receiving forgiveness is often harder,…

I am praying for help with forgiving my husband but he is rejecting me and our family as he has set about making a life apart from us . I think the guilt keeps him distancing himself but he also is continuing to keep his relationship with the children he had from adultery and it seems like they have just replaced the function of the OW in keeping him from having to deal with his actions.

I know it hurts a lot to discover the feet of clay that our spouses may have . The day we live in is sexualizing so much of every environment and all the more need for men to view the commands of GOD to guard their eyes, have some accountability with other godly …really humble me toward the Lord and keeping in the Word . The things I have been studying daily with urgency for the past 46 years and very intently in marriage for the past years since D DAY have been revealing in all that the devil has been using especially among believers to work against their walk.

Focus upon the wife as it says about ;living with your wife in an understanding way ‘ cannot be underephasized in how useful it is to keep your heart.

The next move of the devil after we fall is to get us to want to hide and to feel hopelessly under condemnation and to fear having to own up.

In your case I can imagine it will be very difficult at a distance and with your wife pregnant but I want you to know I am praying for you to be strong and wise. I do not know what your relationship has been , how much contact you have had over your travel time but one thing I DO know is that if this is found out rather than confessed by you it becomes harder to reestablish trust ,.

I did not attack my husband when I discovered the photos and emails of the the OW and the children but my heart was REALLY being held in check by my determination to keep from becoming emotional at the time I had to confront my husband. I did it in private and he did not deny it . I knew I had to keep my cool because I know so much ‘interference’ from the enemy camp gets more ‘freedom’ to work evil when we are heated….that goes for any kind of decision made when emotionally fired up.

I nearly collapsed under the shock of my first finding the photos and prayed , Dear Lord I need you to help me I think I have stumbled upon something so heartbreaking and terrible …” it felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest.

I do not know your wife …being pregnant does bring some additional concern but pray …ask the Lord to help you in dealing with this . If you have been open and constant with your wife and are in frequent contact this breach is going to be very hurtful but the fact that you have bonded with her and kept your vows up to now will certainly help . We all have things we have become disappointed in ourselves in our walk…THAT is one reason we NEED a Savior who was tempted in all things like as we are yet without sin …He can deal with it and help us to deal with it.

The devil would love for those who sin to think they are now ‘disqualified’ to speak in the name of the Lord and be a leader …but in tiimes like these a person redeemed and restored is VERY useful to minister to others.

Our times are dark and full of temptations and many Christians are ill equipped with knowledge of the word or learning how to walk applying what they need from their own study of the word and relationship with the Lord in a very personal way. Many are lulled into letting the pastor do it sort of way …especially when newly beginning their walk or yet another new jurisdiction of their lives. ‘

Do not be discouraged …even as I perceive you are in the depths of self disappointment and feeling distressed …THAT your sin bothers you is a good sign ….be glad you are not ready to just ‘blow it off’ as some might and end up making it worse!

Your wife will be effected but she will heal as you demonstrate your sincerity by actions that follow up with consistent oatience with her emotional conditions as triggers come up ….HOW you stand by her and do what is needed to show your intent to put boundaries in place with be very useful to her healing and ongoing rebuilding of trust in your genuine repentance

There are many ministries to offer ideas that are helpful . Some therapists may not be equipped to help and some even do more harm than good not having the faith base or knowledge and experience with counselling couples who are going through this .

Your love for your wife needs demonstration of patience, pursuit of her more than ever now to bring security and authenticity to your words.

I am still having triggers but a lot of my ongoing pain is due to my husband’s lack of pursuit. His worry about his own pain from seeing my pain more than demonstrating care for me and our daughters.

I offer open door policy to him but he is on the run..In our case the more I am conciliatory and kind the more he runs….it is hopefully a LOT different than what you are dealing with.

Less communication only seems to bring more difficulty in the long run….estrangement is not engaging and thus causes more insecurity.

Your wife may be able to tell that something is bothering you …I know when my husband had something bothering him I could tell and what women often do is assign it to themselves , as if we did something and we try to learn how to improve or do something to make our husband happy …and in our case it only was made worse because I could not get him to tell me what I did or what was wrong.

It turns out he simply did not want to be transparent or share a oneness in marriage from the very first….that was probably not your problem . Some guys think they are being ‘strong ‘ by not opening up and sharing their various challenges with their wives…it only causes the wife anxiety .

I hope any of this is helpful from a wife who has had to deal with this …I would rather have had my husband share his weaknesses with me but he was too proud and too self involved to do that …he thought as long as I did not know about what he was doing his ‘compartments’ would be unknown ,
The deceit is evident to those who realize that with the two children , sooner or later , the truth would come out …but he said he felt he ‘owed’ children to the OW since she said he ‘used up’ the years she could have had a husband’ ….and that if it came out our children would mentor the children by her! HOW deception darkens the mind!

Anyway …I so wish HE had been man enough to speak to me about his sins and care enough to want to be an honest man.

I pray you will find the strength to deal with this with courage and I know that the Lord will help you become more equipped for ministry even as you overcome this by way of being humble to the Lord and strong for your wife.

I know with speaking with other women who want to forgive and respect their husbands , many who like me love the Lord , find it very difficult to know HOW to do that when ,as my husband has done , turn from the Lord and then take an adversarial position against the faith. This does not sound like your way thankfully . Your wife will love you , even when hurt…and I am still awaiting my own husband to be dealt with by the Lord ….

In the mean time I am continuing to grow and learn and pray for my own dealing with all things in a biblically sound way.

I hope you are comforted even as you sorrow in your ongoing necessity in this situation.


Kris April 21, 2014 at 1:40 am

Several good site with helps for both the betrayed and the prodigal spouses….one that offers a lot of support and encouragement to reconcile and stand for your marriage is https://rejoiceministries.org/restore.html

Also Jimmy and Karen Evan’s offers good strength for marriages on Marriage Today with Marriage on the Rock seminar ….

Also Affaircare offers help for people in process of healing and recovery from infidelity.

Some site are more help than others despite what they may claim. It will be useful to view all things through the lens of scripture , the more personally one’s depth of fellowship with the Lord the better and more we are able to sort through. It is tough in the beginning when emotions are running high and it seems a lot of other things become ‘large’ in our minds.

Telling fewer and selective people in your circle is wise. There is always time to share but it is not easy to put the egg back in the shell once it is out there and people who love you will be a lot more emotionally driven to urge some things that may not be the thing you need to do …be wise about who you let know ….


I am not endorsing any denomination but encouraging a broad spectrim of various resources that together with what you know in your relationship with GOD and spouse are useful …some with a bit here …a bit there that applies and hits home in your heart.

Personally I am a bit shy of people that have something to gain by ‘helping’ as they may not be as helpful …they make their money from keeping clients coming back….this goes for a lot of various ‘enterprises’ that make their living in this kind of area.


This site offers free teleseminars …on all aspects …is not judgmental and brings help for both sides of the infidelity.

One blog that offers a lot of both free and purchasable info and help is


If you take the time and ….recovery takes TIME and PATIENCE for both people you will not only learn a lot of what you need but it will also equip you to be helpful in ministry…

Might as well allow the stuff we endure and to through to become part of our ‘training ‘ to pass along whatever we might encounter along the way ….many need this kind of help ….sadly but there is a reason as you will learn …our society has been going along down hill for some time now ..generations…but GOD is still able to do all things for His glory and the good of those who are willing to submit to Him

May you find solace in all of His Word to you as you and your spouse go through this.


Kris April 21, 2014 at 2:13 pm

For your further consideration….

The usual way pastors and therapists are taught and trained to counsel couples whose marriages have been touched by adultery is oftentimes harmful and destructive and basically does not deal with the depth of the damage that is called for , for both people and the marriage to not just heal but to thrive….Here is one pastor’s change of heart and approach that he has seen give marriage the kind of dealing with the root that has , when applied , brought about healing and change, and is based upon the wisdom of Matthew 18.



A married couple came in to see me for the first time: mid-thirties, two kids, Christians, church members. I’ll call them Bob and Susie. Susie, in tears, told me Bob had had an affair. It lasted three months, and she had just found out about it one month ago.

In that one month, they had sought advice from their pastor, a Christian therapist, several best-selling Christian books, and some close friends. They got the same four pieces of advice from every one of these Christian sources, and all the advice was directed at Susie.

Susie was told Bob’s affair was partly her fault.

She wasn’t meeting all of Bob’s needs. Bob wasn’t happy at home. Men don’t have affairs, she was told, unless the wife isn’t doing her job.

Susie was told she needed to win Bob back.

She’d lost him and now it was her responsibility to get him back. She needed to immediately pursue him. She needed to lose weight, cook more and better meals, clean the house better, and offer him plenty of passionate, exciting sex.

Susie was told to forgive Bob quickly and move on from the affair.

Don’t bring up the details. Don’t ask questions. Don’t vent your emotions. Don’t be sad and, above all, don’t be mad. Just be glad he’s willing to stay with you.

Susie was told it was a marriage problem.

The affair was only a symptom of a sick marriage. So, don’t focus on the affair but focus on improving the marriage. Work on communication, meeting needs and doing the love languages.

Does this advice sound familiar? I’ll bet it does. This is far and away the most popular Christian approach to adultery. It’s the advice given whether it is the husband or wife who has committed adultery.

It is the advice most pastors give. It is the advice most Christian therapists give. It is the advice most best-selling Christian authors give.

Fifteen years ago, it was the advice I gave to clients. Fifteen years ago, I would have told Bob and Susie the same four things. Because that’s how I had been taught by my graduate school professors and therapy mentors.

For the first two or three years of my practice, this was the approach I used. It is one of my deepest regrets as I look back on my therapy career. Why? Because this advice, this popular Christian approach to adultery, is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

It is certainly well-meaning, but it doesn’t work. It damages individuals. It damages marriages that can’t afford to be damaged more than they already are. Most of all, it’s not biblical.

If Bob and Susie follow the classic, traditional Christian counseling solution to adultery,there will be three consequences. I know because I saw these consequences happen to couples the first few years of my practice, and I keep seeing them happen to couples who come to me after trying the traditional approach.

First: Susie, the victim of Bob’s adultery, is further victimized.

She’s forced to take blame for this terrible action she did not do. She’s forced to feel guilt for driving her husband to another woman. She does not recover from the trauma. She is unable to vent her pain so it remains inside and gets worse. She is unable to forgive her husband. She is unable to trust her husband. She will always wonder if she’s being a good enough wife to keep Bob from having another affair. She’ll be anxious, depressed, insecure, and bitter.

Many pastors, church leaders, and Christian therapists will not confront Bob. They will confront Susie! Susie, who is already reeling from Bob’s adultery, now gets smashed again by her counselors and helpers. She’s told: “Susie, Bob’s adultery is your fault and you’d better get to work so he won’t stray again.” “Susie, not only is the adultery your fault but now it’s your fault that you’re angry and bitter.

Bob, the only one who sinned, gets a free pass! Disgraceful.

Second: Bob does not recover from his sin of adultery.

He does not fully confess it. He does not take full responsibility for it. He does not repent of his sin. He does not regain respect for his wife. The deeper personal issues which led to his sin are not uncovered and fixed. He does not make the real changes he needs to make. He stays emotionally attached to the paramour. This other woman, this tramp, stays lodged in his heart so his wife can’t get back in. He is, in fact, more likely to continue the affair with this woman or have another one.

Third: Bob and Susie’s marriage does not recover from his adultery.

Respect and trust are not re-established. Full forgiveness doesn’t happen. Communication remains poor. Their conflict resolution skills don’t improve. They do not develop an intimate connection. The unresolved trauma of the adultery continues to separate them.

If Bob and Susie follow the traditional Christian counseling approach to adultery, their marriage may survive and I hope it does. But survive is all it will do. It won’t thrive. It won’t be a great marriage. It will be a wounded marriage.

If Bob stops the affair, they will probably get a brief honeymoon phase. It’ll last three to six months. “Flight into health” is what we psychologists call it. They think they’re over the affair. Their counselor and pastor think they’re over the affair. They’re not.

They’re running away from the trauma because neither one really wants to face it and deal with it. After the honeymoon, they’ll crash and burn. All these consequences I’ve described will happen. Their attempt to run from the adultery, an attempt often encouraged by a counselor or pastor, will fail. The adultery will haunt them for the rest of their marriage.

Question: Why is this incorrect, unbiblical approach to adultery still the most popular one in the Christian community? There are two reasons.

Reason Number One: As counselors, we have been trained to achieve balance in marital therapy.

Good marriage work usually demands that you help each partner see his or her role in the relationship problems. It does typically take two to mess things up. “Here’s what you’re doing wrong, Bob.” “Here’s what you’re doing wrong, Susie.” In your basic marital case, you ask both spouses to change. In your basic marital case, you don’t zero in on one partner and demand that he or she change first.

We’re taught that this delicate balancing act applies to all marital cases. It does not! It makes sense for the basic, garden-variety marital case. It does not make sense when you have a smoking gun: one partner in serious sin.

Reason Number Two: Hardly anyone confronts sin anymore.

There has been a huge shift in Christian culture in the past fifteen to twenty years. We’ve gone from an emphasis on sin and its destructive power to grace and only grace. Everything is grace, grace, grace and forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. But we have forgotten that there is no grace and forgiveness without true, complete confession and repentance (see 1 John 1:9). And there is no true repentance without confrontation of the sinner.

As Christian leaders, we used to call sin sin right to the face of the sinner. Why? In order to bring about healthy shame and guilt and brokenness and repentance and change. That was biblical love in action.

Now, too many of us have re-defined sin. Sin is not really sin. Sin is dysfunction or addiction or bad judgment. These things can certainly be involved in sin, but sin is rebellion against God first and foremost. We offer grace and forgiveness immediately. We want the sinner to feel good, not bad.

The subtle message is: your behavior isn’t that bad, and you don’t have to feel that bad about it. This is unbiblical wimpiness in action.

I know very few pastors and Christian therapists who confront sinners head-on. What are their excuses for wimping out?

“I’m scared of the confrontation itself.”

Confrontation is incredibly intense, difficult, and painful (it also loses clients). But it’s what a good counselor does. If you’re not willing to confront sinners with loving firmness, you’re in the wrong line of work.

“I’m scared of the sinner’s wrath.”

It’s very common to be blasted and even hated for having the gall to confront a sinner. I’ve had a lot of ugly scenes in my office: yelling, hostility, rage, venting and raving, and slamming doors. Repentance is very seldom the initial reaction. You’ve heard the phrase “shoot the messenger.” Being a counselor is not a popularity contest. If everyone likes you, you’re doing something wrong.

“I’m a sinner, too.”

You ask yourself: “How can I, with my own sin and problems, confront anyone else?” Following that reasoning, how can you do anything as a Christian? If you’re going to wait until you’re perfect before you confront sin, you’ll never do it. I’m still waiting for my first sinless day. I’d settle for my first sinless hour.

“I don’t want to drive the sinner away.”

You think if you confront the sinner, you’ll lose any influence on him because he’ll reject you and leave the process. The truth is when you fail to confront the sinner, at that very moment you lose all influence on him. You are weak. You lose respect and power. You have fed his (or her) denial. You are an enabler of your spouse’s sin.

If the sinner does bolt, he bolts. But you’ve done your job. You’ve told the truth. You’ve given the sinner the opportunity to repent and change. Plus, you’ve protected and strengthened the victimized spouse.

I’m not throwing any stones! I used to avoid confronting sinners. I believed these same excuses. Fifteen years ago, I realized that the traditional, popular, don’t confront sin Christian approach to adultery wasn’t working. I turned to the Bible for answers.

What does the Bible say?

One of the great confrontations in the Bible is found in 2 Samuel 12:1-13. King David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and then, to cover his sin, had her husband killed. These verses record what happened when God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David and his sin.

Did Nathan excuse David’s sin in any way? No. Did Nathan bring up the stress of being a king? No. Did Nathan mention a mid-life crisis? No. Did Nathan indicate that Bathsheba had seduced David? No. Did Nathan say David’s wives and concubines hadn’t met his needs? No. It was direct, brutal confrontation. Nathan said, right to David’s face, “You are the man.” Using a story about a rich man who stole and slaughtered a poor man’s one and only lamb, Nathan nailed David to the wall.

What was the point of the confrontation? Repentance and restoration. That’s what God always wants for the sinner. In 2 Samuel 12:13, David gives the correct response to Nathan: ” . . . I have sinned against the Lord.” That’s the beginning of healing for every sinner: “I have sinned against the Lord.”

In 1 Corinthians Chapter 5, the Apostle Paul tells the Corinthian church what to do with a male church member who was having sex with his mother (or stepmother). Paul ordered the church to “hand this man over to Satan,” kick him out of the church immediately, and shun him. It was direct, brutal confrontation. Why? To produce repentance and restoration.

When someone we know, a fellow Christian, is in serious sin, we don’t have to guess at what to do. Jesus Christ, in Matthew 18:15-17, tells us exactly what to do:

And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that “by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.” And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer (NASB).

Here’s the bottom line. When someone is in serious sin, you confront that person immediately. No excuses and rationalizations are accepted. No one else is to blame but the sinner. The focus is on the sinner and the sin and repentance.

When one spouse is in serious sin, it’s Matthew 18 time.

My approach to adultery and other serious marital sins is based on Matthew 18:15-17. When one spouse is in serious sin, that sin is the smoking gun. It might be adultery. It might be sexual addiction. It might be alcoholism, drug addiction, or workaholism. It might be laziness, irresponsible spending, anger with verbal abuse, or controlling behavior.

Whatever the sin, I zero in on the sinner and make his sin the focus during the first phase of treatment. He’ll repent and change first. He’ll confess exactly what he’s done and work to fix his problem. He’ll help his partner heal from what he’s done to her. He’ll become the husband God wants him to be.

Later, the other spouse’s issues will be addressed. Later, the marital issues will be addressed.

Biblically, my approach makes sense. Clinically, it works well. The sinning spouse will go first. Then, the marriage. You don’t have to do a delicate balancing act. It’s neat, it’s clean, and it’s focused.

What if you could get one spouse to agree to change first? As that spouse changes, the marriage changes. As that spouse and the marriage changes, the other spouse also changes.

That’s what happens with the Matthew 18 marital approach. Whether it works or not, it is biblical. But it works a great deal of the time.

Back to Bob and Susie

To give you an introductory look at my approach, I’ll share with you what I told Bob and Susie in that first counseling session. I’ll do it by giving my response to the four pieces of popular Christian advice they had received.

Popular Advice: Susie was told Bob’s affair was partly her fault.

My response: I told Bob his affair was 100 percent his fault.

I made it clear that Bob’s affair had nothing to do with Susie. It was his choice. I said: “Even if Susie was the worst wife in the world, she did nothing to cause you to have an affair. Susie is responsible for 50 percent of the marriage problems, but any behavior you do is 100 percent your responsibility. If you went out and robbed a bank today, would you blame that on Susie?”

Popular Advice: Susie was told she needed to win Bob back.

My Response: I told Bob he was going to have to win Susie back.

I told Susie to stop her pathetic, humiliating efforts to please Bob. I told her to stop chasing Bob. Stop being nice to Bob. Stop killing herself to make him love her again. Why reward the man who ripped her heart out?

By chasing Bob and trying so hard to be a good little wife, she was agreeing the affair was her fault. Since he had the affair, shouldn’t he be the one working harder? The first thing Susie must do is get Bob’s respect back. Without respect, there is no love. There is no repentance. Bob won’t change. And the marriage is over.

Popular Advice: Susie was told to forgive Bob quickly and move on from the affair.

My Response: Forgiveness is a process which involves a number of difficult steps.

One godly, older woman pulled Susie aside and said: “Don’t bring up his affair again, Honey.” Unfortunately, there are many pastors and Christian therapists who also offer this disastrous advice.

Is this advice recommended for any other trauma work? “As a child, you were sexually abused by a neighbor . . . just forgive him and quickly move on,”(which would even allow you to think it was your fault). Or, “A drunk driver killed your daughter . . . just forgive him quickly and move on.” Or, “A financial advisor stole your life savings . . . just quickly forgive and move on.” Of course not!

To heal from a trauma, you must turn and face it directly. Go over and over the details. Feel and express your emotions. Relive the pain. Process it over and over and over. Go through the stages of grief.

Here are the trauma recovery steps I gave Bob and Susie:

Step One: Bob will tell Susie everything about his adultery–verbally and in writing.

Step Two: Bob will write the Document.

Bob will put down on paper a detailed narrative of the entire affair: how it started, how it developed, the excuses and rationalizations he used to justify it, what he and the paramour talked about, where they went, what they did together, where they had sex, and how many times they had sex. The only exception is the gory details of the sex. For example, he will not discuss what they did in sex.

Bob will read the Document in the second session.

Step Three: Susie will write a Document of Response

She will write Bob an honest, heartfelt description of what his adultery has done to her. It will be her gut-level response to his sin. She won’t hold back. She will–emotionally speaking–throw up on paper.

Susie will read her document of response in the third session.

Step Four: The Mode

For as long as it takes, usually three to eight months, Bob and Susie will have completely honest, direct, and intense conversations about Bob’s adultery. Susie will vent her emotions whenever she wants and however she wants. Bob will listen, reflect, and say “I’m sorry” a million times. Susie will ask questions, and Bob will answer every question with kindness, patience, and humility.

This process heals Bob because he confesses his sin, faces it, and finds out why he did it. This process heals Susie because she knows exactly what happened and can work through it. This process heals the marriage because respect is restored, they learn how to communicate on a deep level, they learn how to resolve conflict, and they create real intimacy.

Popular Advice: Susie was told it was a marriage problem.

My Response: It’s not a marriage problem, but a sin problem.

Bob sinned big time. It’s all about Bob in the initial phase of treatment. He’ll do all the repenting. He’ll do all the work. He’ll do all the changing. Of course, there is marriage work to do. That will come later. It’ll come after Bob is well on his way to recovery. It’ll come after Bob respects and loves Susie again.

If Bob refuses any of the steps I require him to do, I won’t continue to see him in therapy. I will recommend to Susie that she immediately take the other Matthew 18 steps: confront with one or two witnesses and then confront with her church leaders.

If Bob doesn’t respond to these further confrontations, I will recommend immediate separation. Bob will be the one to leave the home. If he refuses to leave, Susie will go into shunning mode. When Bob breaks and repents and is ready to work, I’ll see him again.

If you want to know more about my Matthew 18 recovery from marital sin program, get my book, What to Do When Your Spouse Says, I Don’t Love You Anymore (Thomas Nelson, 2002).

Find a Christian therapist who follows my approach. Call Focus on the Family (1-800-a-family) and get a list of therapists in your area. Ask your pastor for a list. Call each therapist and ask how he/she deals with adultery or whatever serious sin your spouse has committed. If it’s the wimpy approach, move on to the next one on the list. Make it clear to each therapist you want my approach followed. Until you find the right therapist, start implementing my steps of confrontation and recovery.

My approach is brutally tough. It is controversial. It confronts the sinner. It empowers the victimized spouse. It is biblical. It works.



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