What Does The Bible Say About Adultery? Five Important Lessons

by Robert Driskell · Print Print · Email Email

Infidelity.com reports that 57% of American men and 54% of American women admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they have been in.  The same site reports that 53% of American marriages end in divorce and that 74% of men and 68% of women says they would have an affair if they knew they would never be caught. 1  These are depressing statistics, to say the least.

What Does The Bible Say About Adultery?

Adultery is not only a sin against one’s mate, but an attack on the sanctity of marriage, and a course of conduct that can cause havoc in many people’s lives.

Adultery is a Sin against God and One’s Spouse

Merriam Webster’s Online Dictionary defines ‘adultery’ as: “voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband”.2   It is also known as infidelity.  Adultery is not only a sin against one’s mate, but an attack on the sanctity of marriage, and a course of conduct that can cause havoc in many people’s lives.  Adultery is also most importantly a sin against God.

Marital failures, and many other destructive conditions, exist because of sin.  They exist because humans have decided that their way is better than God’s way.  They have decided that fulfilling their desires is more important than obeying and glorifying the Creator/Sustainer of the universe.  Nevertheless, the Christian must learn what the Bible says about adultery in order to see it the way God sees it.  Only when we change our views to line up with God’s views can we live the full, blessed life He has waiting for us.

In the Old Testament, God Declared Adultery to be a sin Deserving Death

When God set apart a nation to be His special people, He gave them a set of basic guidelines for living.  They were the basis for every other law He would give them.  These laws were a written record of the way God expects His people to behave.  The seventh commandment God gave His people was, “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14).  God knew that the heart of humankind would naturally seek to fulfill every desire it experienced.  God gave these laws to make His holy standards clear.

God viewed adultery as being a sin so terrible that it was punishable by death.  “If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death” (Leviticus 20:10; cf. Deuteronomy 22:22).  If we ever think that God takes adultery, or any other sin, lightly, we should remember what penalties and punishments He assigned to them.

Adultery is not just an outward action

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).  This tells us that adultery can take place within the heart [mind] and is just as sinful as an outward act.  The sin of the mind may not affect as many other people, families, and friends as the outward physical act, but it is still a sinful affront to the holiness of God.  This applies to the prevalence of pornography in our culture.  Often claimed to be a ‘victimless offense’, the damage pornography does to the heart of the one involved in it, and often to those around him/her, can be just as devastating.  Pornography and adultery often go hand in hand.

Adultery can keep you out of the Kingdom of God

In First Corinthians 6:9-10, the apostle Paul lists some sins that, if continued in without confession and repentance, will prevent the practitioner from entering God’s kingdom, “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God”.  Included in this list is the sin of adultery.  This further emphasizes how serious God views this sin.  He knew the devastating effects adultery has on individuals and families and He wanted to protect us from that heartbreak.  He still feels the same today.

David and Bathsheba: A Biblical Case Study of Adultery

Second Samuel 11-12 tells the story of how the great King David, of whom God called, ‘a man after my own heart’ (Acts 13:22; I Samuel 13:14), committed adultery.  There are several lessons that should be learned from this story.

1. No one is immune to temptation.

When King David was a child, he slew a giant.  Then God chose him to be the second king of Israel.  The Bible also says that David was a mighty warrior (I Samuel 18:7-8).  However, he still fell prey to the fleshly temptation of lust.  We must never think we have reached a station in life, or a spiritual condition, where we can no longer be tempted to sin.  We must always stay in a close relationship to God, so that He strengthens us to resist temptation.  We are never strong enough on our own.  No matter who we are.

2. Stay in the will of God

“In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel.  And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah.  But David remained at Jerusalem” (I Samuel 11:1).

Second Samuel Verse 1 says that it was, “the time when kings go out to battle”.  However, where was David?  He had stayed behind.  He was not where he was supposed to be.  Instead of being with his men in battle, as was customary and appropriate, David was indulging in some inappropriate leisure time activity.  Many times, we are most vulnerable to temptation when we have strayed out of God’s will.

3. Do not let sin dwell in your mind

As David was idly walking around on his roof, he saw a woman named Bathsheba bathing.  Instead of turning immediately away, fleeing sexual immorality (I Corinthians 6:18), and seeking the face of God, he lingered and let sin take hold of his heart.  Once the sin in his heart had taken hold, he acted upon it, sinned with Bathsheba, and she became pregnant (II Samuel 11:2-5).  If we allow sin to linger in our thoughts it will inevitably take root.

4. Do not try to cover up sin; repent and seek God’s forgiveness (II Samuel 11:6-13).

David tried to cover his sinful behavior by bringing Bathsheba’s husband back from the battlefield.  David hoped that Bathsheba and her husband would sleep together and everyone would believe it was this marital union that resulted in Bathsheba’s pregnancy.  However, Bathsheba’s husband refuse to lay with his wife while the other men remained on the battlefield without him.  It seems that Bathsheba’s husband had more morals than King David did in some matters.

Although David could have confessed and repented at this point, he decided to try another cover up.  He had Bathsheba’s husband sent back into battle, placed on the front lines, and then abandoned to face death at the hands of the enemy.  King David had Bathsheba’s husband murdered in the hope of covering his own sinful behavior.  An important lesson to be learned from this is that one sin leads to another, oftentimes worse, sin if the sinner does not confess to God and repent of the sinful conduct (Romans 6:19).

5. God Will Even Forgive Adultery.

Second Samuel 12:1-15 tells us that Nathan, David’s beloved friend, confronted David with his sin.  The mighty Kind David’s heart was broken when he realized how he had sinned against God and grieved God’s heart.  David repented, asked for God’s forgiveness, and was forgiven.

Today, God offers that same forgiveness.  When one comes to faith in Jesus Christ, by confessing and repenting of his or her sin, God is faithful to remove the guilt, shame, and future penalty that sin carried with it.  By committing one’s life to Christ, a person becomes a new creation (II Corinthians 5:17), no longer helpless to resist temptation, but empowered by the indwelling Holy Spirit.

This forgiveness is reiterated in the New Testament by Paul, writing to the Corinthians.  Recall the verses mentioned earlier in I Corinthians listing some of the sins that will prevent one from entering the kingdom of God.  Paul did not leave the Corinthian Christians without hope.  The next verse says, “And such were some of you.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11).

Whether the sin is adultery or something else, Jesus Christ has paid the price for our forgiveness by His death, burial, and resurrection.  No one has sinned too much or too long to be forgiven.  The offer of salvation is for everyone (John 3:16) who is willing to confess and repent of his or her sins and turn their lives over to the Almighty Creator, Sustainer, and Savior of the world.

Related Articles:


The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”

1. http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html

2. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/adultery

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{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }

Matt77 April 21, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Dear Kris and Jack,

Thank you for your responses, they really help. Thank you for your prayers too.

Need some more time, support and prayers from you. Hope I can mail instead of just putting into this forum.


Kris April 21, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Ok Matt….the post below was posted before I got the notice of your post….will keep on praying for you and your spouse….it is part of being part of the Body ….I am thankful Jesus ‘s has ‘got our 6’ but we also do watch for one another ‘s back in all things ….Victory through this !!Jesus Christ has not left us !



Jack Wellman April 22, 2014 at 4:15 pm

Matt…I am not forgetting about you friend…and I know Kris too…she is such a faithful prayer warrior and godly woman of faith and I thank God for her. I believe that none of us can tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. Let your conscience tell you after prayer and maybe even fasting. I hesitated to tell you what you should do because God may have a different answer for you or advice than I would for He is so much wiser. I would, if I were you, go to your pastor and talk to him, face to face. Being a pastor myself, I can assure you that I have privately counseled many and have never, ever shared their private struggles with anyone but God. Have you done this sir? I feel helpless at times lie these so I must defer to God and to your pastor before or if you tell your wife because this was a one time slip into sin and you have repented and committed to never do it again and it is not like adultery that is ongoing where people dive into sin. By your contrition, you show me strong evidence that you have the Holy Spirit and want to obey God. I believe that a pastor should never make those decisions for you or recommend something a person who is struggling with this to do because it only happened once and will not happen again and I hate to get between the hammer (God) and the work (the Holy Spirit) that is working in your (the anvil).


Kris April 21, 2014 at 3:53 pm

Frankly I wish we had done this the first time he was unfaithful , but though I confronted him and with the word , and took the other steps in that I asked a pastor to speak with him , my husband did not respond to either confrontation with repentance but a feigned form of ‘not doing it ‘ anymore.

Many things did not reveal themselves during that first infidelity as we had a new baby, and my husband’s mother died and I was concerned about keeping him in the marriage and trying to understand how grief might have played a part in his behavior.

He just got to be a better manipulator using his needs to be ‘successful’ and ‘happy’ which played upon my ways that I had been taught that I should be a’ good wife’ , a ‘good sport’ and ‘support his every idea ‘ because he was working so hard to support me and our children.

My mother kept her marriage this way , my father played a lot of golf and was gone a lot for business in his being a regional manager and had to travel.

SO it is that I have had the time to look back and how I contributed to this behavior and my husband took advantage. He knew I would not leave him and that I was steadfast and faithful to God , to him and to marriage. I was a good ‘homebase’ for him and for whenever he needed some kind of backdrop to assure people he was a good man, a good husband and a good father.

Whenever I did bring something to him that might have reminded him of what good things he was missing out on and how his family was missing out on his participation , it hit a blind spot , probably because I was always following the counsel to appreciate , affirm and support him. I tried to approach him like Esther as many women are taught, but Esther was married to a wicked king…Husbands are to example Christ , especially to their wives and for the sake of their children learning what a good, godly , honest and upright man looks like .

My husband did not respect his choice in wife. Before we married sin was not as distinct and dealt with. BIG mistake as we were then part of a more liberal body of believers . As my walk became more growing in the knowledge and my efforts to deal with my own flesh became more and more apparent and of concern to me , my husband became more and more concerned about how others felt about me. He chose the approval of people who were still actively involved in sinful living , climbing the ladder of success and compromising all matters of life for their own pleasure and gain.

After the last and most tragic adultery lifestyle that developed none of the things we did really made any changes in his attitude. In therapies he slept when he went alone and when we went together nothing much was done to confront sin …the therapist wanted to analyse my husband which would take many MANY years and way more money than his adulterous second life allowed. We took many other things into our effort to save our marriage …I have thousands of marriage and adultery books…we attended marriage weekends…we renewed our vows…but two years into this I was praying with him and he was actually just being ‘there’ when he interrupted me to confess to his having lied to me and was still involved with the other children …something I had hoped he would delay until we had dealt with this sin and he showed some active effort to work through and restore the marriage.

Every time he brought something new to the table …it was like having to start over. He was a skilled ‘trickle truth’ confessor…not because he could not remember …many times something this huge takes time to recall details …but his memory is VERY sharp and keen ….and I know from a lifetime with him that his memories were selective and he was still lying .

Over time his lies became revealed and when this happened he was always disturbed because it was not like I was tracking him or seeking . I trusted the Lord to reveal things when and how He would to demonstrate that sin will always be uncovered…and not just for the betrayed but for the sinner’s sake to be convicted and perhaps repent.

The road is long for my husband I see because though I did my best to follow biblical guidelines from all I made effort to study in scripture , my husband has turned away from caring what GOD says or about his own soul and is hard, bitter and resentful of being ‘outed’, even though I have left the outing to the Lord as to whom he becomes known to.

He cared about how our children would feel and did not want to tell them how his life had been a lie…I don’t blame him for fearing to do this but I insisted he tell them. They are all adults now and they had right to make a decision about this , to make some sense of the man they called dad . My husband wanted ME to tell them but I told him that he needed to do it and it was actually a ‘gift ‘ of sorts so that HE could demonstrate some sort of integrity….to begin to gain some respect at least for being the man who will make his own confession! He was bitter about it because he did not like to have to see the reaction HIS sin had caused …

So he is now living away from us . He is trying to form a relationship with the children of the adultery but it is not based upon honesty . He was unwilling to teach them things that would help them avoid making the same mistakes. One day they will have to face what our children have had to deal with …the man they know as father is not the one they thought he was.

Our children were raised in the Word . They have a foundation of faith and know about how deceitful sin is . They understand and have been forgiving and caring for their father even as he has yet to perceive and admit his sin has damaged the way they are having to consider how they might trust their own perceptions of people …especially men for our daughters.

We have been learning the ways we need to make evaluations of character now for our own learning and future relationships . It is one of the ‘benefits’ of having to face how people of the world and how the flesh works to deceive and how God will equip us if we are willing to learn from Him in how to live through this world and avoid sinning ourselves as it is harmful to ourselves and others and it shames and hurts the Lord.

There is a lot in scripture about this thing called ‘repentance’ but it astonishes me to admit I was in a fellowship where this word was not emphasized or taught . Perhaps it is my poor memory or the fact that grace was so greatly emphasized I do not recall ever hearing it until much much later in my walk. We were taught we had “Sonship rights’ so the focus was what we had received in Christ. This is well and good but to repent…to change our minds about all that God tells us in His word is so very important to be able to actually access and live in His grace.

Sadly sin abounded in that ministry …I now recognize the aspects that are not rare today sadly in many fellowships …the effects of poor approach to scripture , various aspects of Gnostic teaching and new age things so bountifully filling churches with doctrines that appeal to flesh,which let a hoard of unbiblical teachings proliferate to the destruction of lives , marriages, and loss of souls as many see no reason for seeking repentance , and no difference in what is going on in the churches and what the world has going on.

This is sorrowful and it is causing much damage to individuals and society alike.

The repentant person is in a state of seeking to line his thought life up with the Word of GOD …the whole word and is intent upon ‘not going there’ where ever some thought, some thing, some place, or someone will lead to stumbling and falling into sin.As one pastor aptly put it ‘sin is not bad because it is forbidden but sin is forbidden because it is bad”…Society is urging us to case off godly boundaries and definitions of things that are harmful and to run after pleasure and sin …calling what God tells us is evil ‘good’ and what is good ‘evil !

The marriage hurt by sin is always in need of people examining themselves lest they fall into harmful lusts and sin …but two agreeing as to this truth and making urgent effort to help one another deal opening with the challenges of it requires willingness to confront one’s self ..and kindly and boldly confront one another

My husband for reasons he refused to share has spent our marriage assigning bad motives to anyone who might approach him with any kind of counsel he did not like to hear.

I admit that most all of us do not enjoy being told what is unflattering but if we love Christ we will recognize that this one trait alone will prove to be harmful and destructive to our desire to walk in truth and to live a life that does no harm to ourselves and others.

How much more we need to be willing to not just admit sin but to realize we need to avail ourselves to guidelines in how we need to make adjustments to those realizations …CHANGE our minds to line up with the Word of GOD and His ways which are higher than our ways .

Without meekness and willingness to begin again and again on the road to changing our minds …’renewed’ minds that also are followed up with changes in how we live out those changes ,…what can two do if they do not agree to walk together?

For this I have continued to follow after and seek out in the WORD how I must make personal changes and learn what I can ….my husband simply admits his sin , but is unwilling to make changes in how he makes decisions. He has fled to live alone , without accountability , without anyone to tell him anything…as I recall his mother and his father’s words ” we do not believe anyone has a right to tell anyone else what to think about GOD” …They must have instilled this into their very handsome, talented, intelligent son who has lived his life rejecting all wisdom that did not allow him to ‘do what thou wilt’ as the satanist Aliaster Crowley has set forth ,..a ‘father ‘ of the mindset of the 60’s , musicians, ongoing into our day and time.

My husband does not connect his past choices with the idea that he is in need of making any other effort to learn how to make decisions …this reminds me of the way insanity is defined ” Making the same choices and expecting a different outcome’

I love my husband and it grieves me that though he admits that his way of making choices has brought forth a terrible outcome …he does not want to make any changes …so …though there is sorrow …it is not ‘unto repentance’ …and we know if that does not change …the outcome is worse than just what happens in this world .

Jas 1:21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.


Pearl November 7, 2014 at 8:52 am

What is the advice? Should this wife continue to be married to the spouse? Isn’t it enabling sexual addiction? Isn’t divorce a consequence for adultery; and withholding divorce creates a dysfunctional reality that he can ‘have his cake and eat it too’? What about the influence of adultery when there are children still in the home?


Kris November 7, 2014 at 1:29 pm

Dear Pearl,

Thank you for your questions and as one whose life and family have been impacted by my husband and the OW …and other women that he has indulged himself with I can say these are questions that I, as a long time Christian. have had to try to navigate myself in trying to do what is biblically called for .

I have been investing the “eating of” and applying, as I grew in my knowledge and understanding of the Bible now for some 46 years, and still find this a very challenging issue. The Bible does not REQUIRE divorce in the case of adultery and the ‘solution’ in the OT was both parties were executed if found guilty of adultery.

Would I like to see this kind of retribution in this day and time? Not really and as Jesus offered to us the command to pray for those who despitefully use us while HE would deal with those who sin against Him, themselves and others, I prefer to submit to HIM while I await the outcome He will eventually bring about with prayer for those who have wounded me to be delivered and myself to be healed. It is an ongoing process and effort for me to continue to submit to the Lord all things.

In the OT the family or extended community, then would take up the cause of those impacted in terms of protection and provision when left by the death of the adulterers.

In the OT the daughters were under the protection and provision of their father or another male in their family in all matters not as some understand this today but as protection against predatory males who would prey on women whose emotions might be useful to their skills to deceive them in order to ‘gain access’ to their hearts and MORE.

We do not have such a protective custom in place in our present world. Those cultures that still keep women under the governing of men are not known to do so in the biblical way but often times are practicing a domineering form of ‘protection’

In my studies, especially following the discovery of what my husband was doing …in addition to his having to be gone so much for ‘work’ I have taken much more time and effort to try to learn what the truths are regarding marriage, and what is the way to respond to this discovery that has impacted so deeply me and our family …and in truth all who have presumed that my husband was an honest and upright man.

My husband has since departed from our home and does continue to pay for our expenses. I have no one else to do so and am thankful for his willingness to not abandon this aspect of the support of our lives.

I am older and not employable presently, at least not in any way that would provide for what is needed here. I had a career before marriage that I forsook to stay home and train and teach our children , gladly I might add, as much as I had enjoyed my career and had spent many, many years training and developing my talents and skills in that field.

Despite the view from the outside this is one way that I have taken a view of what to do in our situation. I have continued to hope in the Lord’s work for HIM to pursue and deal with my husband. I have presented my husband with the findings of what the Bible says and he has rejected what the Word has brought for him to consider and follow.

It is frustrating I agree to feel that my staying in the covenant of our marriage provides my husband with the choice to do whatever he wants , apparently ‘unscathed’ by the consequences of his sin . However I also have observed that he is going to make his choices despite the way his sins have wounded and damaged all of us. He, like many who choose to live by their flesh and emotions is going to have to come to the end of himself.

I have had to realize that some people who even walked with Jesus and observed Him did not choose to believe and then obey Him. They refused to renew their minds and govern their lives by the Word because they COULD.

God seems to allow people to have the freedom to choose and remain alive with the continued possibility of repentance and changing of the mind to turn from their sin of obeying their opinions and to learn what HE has to offer through repentance and seeking the truth in Jesus Christ.

My husband has chosen to continue to abandon the offer and to walk after his fleshly ‘option’ of his own way to deal with the situation, despite the obvious pain and sorrow that his way continues to do damage.

I think the world’s way of doing ‘right’ is even more destructive than some of the things that are obviously wrong.

My husband has chosen to disconnect from me but continues to live in a way that seems to be ‘good ‘ to him. He has SAID that he has nothing more to do with anyone but only his children …ours now adults and the children he had with the OW …deliberately I might add….as his way of dealing with this most difficult situation that HE has created.

He seems to feel that if he is a ‘good‘father that “at least he is doing something right”.

I maintain that this is even a WORSE situation leading to the children of adultery not being given a true understanding of what a godly father is …and what a true benefit marriage after the way GOD has indicated it is to be lived in and beneficial can be.

For our children …especially our unmarried daughters , they know the Lord and the Word having been raised in it despite their father’s departure from his own walk…and despite the way he was absent from most of our family’s daily life. The damaging aspect of his being such a ‘great” guy …loving to all without…and ‘fair’ beyond what most would be…has given a lot of challenge to our children being more able to spot an untrustworthy person for their own life partner.

This is one of the things that has plagued the culture more and more since the ‘no fault’ divorce act in the 70’s as well as other man made efforts to legitimize sin.

This will and has brought about a lot of what we see today …Children ‘raised’ by the social norms rather than the Word into the several generations now who know not the truth of the Word …nor have skills to maintain an authentic and biblical relationship with anyone for any length of time , never mind a lifelong covenant.

The lack of knowledge of the Word is a result of expectations of independence and no need of any accountability to anyone …particularly GOD!

There has been the ongoing and seemingly very effective war against the Lord and HIS WORD since Eve was deceived to disregard the command of GOD to learn and live under HIS protection by heeding HIS Word.

So then as the churches have been infested with unbelievers and hirelings in the pulpits and believers have floundered in their private effort to study the Word to learn from the guidance of the Holy Spirit what the Bible reveals as the truth of all things …and the culture has become the ‘god’ to people …determining what is right and wrong …then we see the growing population that opposes the truth of the God who created all things according to His will and charged man with the ‘keeping’ of the garden …to guard and govern himself which would protect his wife from his own carnal fleshly way.

The world calls a man who father’s children a ‘deadbeat dad’ …which is true but it is applied beyond the marriage covenant family to the destruction of all.

My husband is following the humanist call for people to leave their vows that take responsibility for what is not their first order of priority as set forth by the God who has made all things for His OWN GLORY and Purposes.

Setting the marriage aside and putting his wife LAST in all of his daily living my husband has gone after pleasing others and trying to shore up his self image despite all wisdom in how he might have functioned in order to keep his word to God and me and all who are in his own jurisdiction of the Marriage Covenant and he is now a ‘fair weather father ‘ in effort to not allow those children to grow up ‘fatherless’.

This might be more ‘noble’ if he had respected the wisdom and counsel of the Lord in terms of HOW to priorities and set aright all that he has been convinced is HIS duty to all others at the expense of his duty to God , his wife and the children of his marriage.

This in my view describes how the propaganda of our culture over several generations has worked to break down the family through guilt and discarding of the way GOD has set the jurisdiction of a man’s life to be governed first under the order of God to man and man to others.

IN marriage the first LAW of marriage given to Adam when woman was brought to him for his wife …was to LEAVE his father and mother ….this set the precedence for the protocol of how man would live in society and do no harm …but be brought to engage in what would reflect to him ‘how he was doing in obeying GOD “.

Not wanting to ‘cleave to his wife’ and not wanting to keep God as the one director of his life …my husband turned from the ‘hard parts’ of relationship and sought out ‘options ‘ …In this culture today he did not have to look to hard .

Not keeping his eyes …focus upon his wife with thanksgiving and seeking the benefits of his abilities and fleshly qualities which appeal to MANY women today …He found that he could get his life anyway HE wanted with little effort. How does any marriage have a chance with that kind of attitude going in! I did not realize this was his intention…and he has commented that he did not either!

The way sin is bound in the heart of someone who does not know nor want the truth of how Jesus has told us that if we are going to be HIS disciples we must ‘deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow HIM’ …my generation did not get that message from the churches that I went to or the media churches intent upon building a large following of their different denominations nor the non denominations, the same today.

The way individual believers have ‘come out’ of this ‘hypnotic’ state of accepting the ‘smooth things’ of the seeker friendly preaching is to COME TO THE LORD and to invest in personal study of the Word and have become transformed by the Word applied to their hearts and lives …not just for knowledge sake but actual responses to the conviction that reading the scriptures will bring about within the person concerned with pleasing GOD.

As scripture says …”The fear of the Lord is the BEGINNING of wisdom …’

When there is no fear of GOD either by way of having become convinced the Bible is only written by men or that it is only one among many ways to understand GOd …or that there is NO GOD at all …then we see the ongoing consequences of this all around us .

At some point a person is apparently ‘let go’ to go after their own lusts and are not hearing whatsoever from the conviction of their conscience or any of the Word they once knew…thus all are without excuse.

I am in a position where I have had to learn more and more of what it means from the Word of how to follow and do what Christ tells his followers. To forgive and love my enemies, the persecutors, those who do evil …HOW that ‘love of GOD ‘ looks is to speak the Word …as he has directed us …keeping in mind our own need to walk and obey His Word that is written for our edification …speaking boldly but meek to Him …and leaving the rest to Him.

What can the world offer to those hurt by adultery? What can someone do that is under the Lord who bought us? Divorce is offered by the world, “quickie” divorce as well.

What if there is a need to allow GOD to work in the heart of the person who is ONE FLESH with us?

I wonder…..I am not at this time prone to do what the world offers as the ‘solution’ which has not seemed to impact marriage for the good nor the children…even of the so called ‘blended families’ resulting from adultery.

Widowhood is not my desire …but I have noted that when a person is grieving from the death of their spouse there is at least SOME emotional support and they may have the memories of a lifelong devoted if not perfect spouse.

Learning of the intentional assumption and presumption of a spouse upon the LIFE of their faithful spouse is nearly catastrophic in it’s emotional effects yet …in this world believers soon learn that assaults upon their hearts is something we will have to learn to deal with according to the scriptures and wisdom of GOD.

This has not been easy but is actually ONGOING for each day brings about more challenges ..some new , some old …in learning how to lean upon the Lord to provide the strength and the ability to do what He directs despite the painful sorrow that is daily the resulting consequence of my husband’s ongoing lack of apparent concern for dealing with the rejection and sorrow he has inflicted upon all of us , he SAYS he ‘loves’.

One challenge that I have is for the sake of our daughters when he comes to pick them up . I am aware of how it seems he has chosen to try to replace Jesus Christ and his wife with making closer relationships with only the children of his life.

Though my daughters are adults now, they still live with me and so he has apparently continued to lay upon others the responsibilities and tasks that a husband is supposed to provide for his wife. My daughters have had little development of outside society even as with every move to a new area I have made the effort to connect with our neighbors and other believers. Isolation through constant moving to follow my husband’s career has disrupted development of an ongoing network of support…..has brought about this kind of dysfunction as you pointed out.

His continued lack of concern for his godly duty as a father and not just a ‘buddy ‘ to all of the children he feels he is ‘fathering’ is leaving a lot of holes in the lives of our children and wrong ‘teaching’ to the children he had with the OW .

He lives alone and justifies this as what he must do …but cannot say what he hopes this will accomplish …only that he could not ‘do this anymore’ …this indicates the influence of a demonic thought process for want of another word for what it is .

Darkening of the mind and understanding is the result of sinful, persistently practiced and willful sin as I observe and understand it . So it is that the Bible warns us as believers we must ‘Cast down imaginations and every high things that holds itself up against the KNOWLEDGE of GOD …and TAKE CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of Christ.

Without the word to compare in our minds to what we think …and with the ways that desire and lust work …a person will accept whatever he thinks or feels as valid reason to do whatever he wants.

“Do what thou wilt , for love is the law’ was the motto brought to us by Satanist Madame Blavatsky and more recently Alaister Crowley and Anton Levy….which in the 60’s was chanted …’If it FEELS GOOD , DO IT”!

This may not be heard today in the same way but now it is gone further and has resulted in a young generation which has become disenchanted and hopeless to the point of increasing incidents of suicide. Despite the wealth and prosperity of many of those who my husband counted as friends and colleagues…at least two that I know of …one a past partner…and one he regarded as his “best friend’ both whose sons tried to commit suicide!

I had witnessed to these people but now I know that at least one of them knew of my husband’s ongoing lengthy adultery and so I cannot help but wonder how many turned from the offer to seek out the truth of the Word I shared to disregard what I shared because of my husbands adultery!

So it is that people who want to please themselves and others rather than God and their commitment to their marriages are doing far more and far reaching damage to others.

Thinking that what two consenting adults do behind closed doors is one of the most clueless ideas that appeals to those who desire the fleshly pleasures of sex outside of marriage.

As I told one woman who I had discovered was interested in my husband years before …right after our first child was born …I went to confront her but not in anger but with the Word of GOD …”The best man for you will never be another woman’s husband …it would be contrary to marriage which GOD created for our best”! She apologized , quit her job and left town…years after I discovered this last adulterous ‘arrangement’ I found out that THAT woman was married at the time and having trouble with her husband …my husband thought he would ‘comfort ‘ her.

So it is that failing to truly repent and seek to get himself straight with GOD and live rightly …he went on to hide his choices better….

In considering if the way the OT dealt with adultery would be my preference…I cannot agree that the death penalty would be my choice . I still love my husband. I invested according to the Word to the best of my ability to become what GOD instructs a wife to be.

We do not have the kind of structure of society in place anymore …not even the churches regard the command to care for widows and orphans as once was practiced, that truly takes up the cause of women and children. The false option of society which is demonic at it’s root, is every man for himself and make a profit upon the destruction of others…divorce is such a prospect…Look who profits from it! I think there is some space to regard abandoned wives and children in this category of ‘widows and orphans’ …but it is not practiced as I can see,.

The believers are certainly under a lot of what the Lord warned us about in his instructions about life for a believer in this world and more so at the encroaching end of the age.

Sometimes I wonder if the ‘options’ provided by the world that seem to be justified and even ‘required’ of those harmed by adultery are not just ‘baiting ‘ the victims to act in ways that actually removes the covering that GOD has provided through a spouse who sins but is compelled to continue to provide .

In my own life I have had to regard the way Jesus was tempted in the wilderness to act in ways that the Devil chided Him to prove to Himself that is is the Son of God by way of acting outside the provision and will of His Father.

In other words , what if , by staying true to my vows even in this situation , it allows God to provide through the husband that I still regard as MY covenant spouse, honoring my vows that were made, not just to my husband on our wedding day, but to GOD. It seems to me to be the wise thing for me to do at present. I made vows that applied ‘for life’, ‘till death do we part’ as scripture confirms those vows to be still in effect. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say has powerful effects upon our own attitude toward GOD and ultimately to become people who honor their own words. It used to be a great value to be a ‘man of my word’ among men….Now there is expectation that a man be trusted and entrusted with great responsibility based upon little background of experiencing that man’s character.

This too is a consequences of the idea of independence from accountability combined with a very mobile society….As the book of Daniel spoke of , toward the end of the age there would be an increase of knowledge and people would run too and fro…indeed we see now that many are ‘ever learning but never able to come to the knowledge of the TRUTH’ Itching ears having been filled with too much information of how to avoid accountability and sin to the fleshly heart’s content!

As I am presently married 34 years and counting …my husband not living here presently now for nearly one year. But the end is not yet.

2Ti 1:12 For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.

The world and Humanists say ‘all people are brothers’

Jesus said….

Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Mar 3:35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.

1Pe 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:

1Pe 4:19 Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.

1Jo 2:17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.

Gal 1:10 For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.

Eph 4:1 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;
3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
4 There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;
5 One Lord, one faith, one baptism,
6 One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
7 But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ.
8 Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.
9 (Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth?
10 He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.)
11 And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers;
12 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ:
13 Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ:
14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;
15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
16 From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,
18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:
19 Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
20 But ye have not so learned Christ;
21 If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:
22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
27 Neither give place to the devil.
28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

May the Lord continue to uphold those who trust in Him and lean not upon their own understanding but in all things acknowledge Him and HE WILL direct their path.


Matt77 April 23, 2014 at 2:56 am

Dear Jack,
Thank you for your advice to talk to my Pastor. I have not been able to do this as am in a different place and travelling to my base tomorrow.

I feel stripped, all my self will is broken. I got to confess that this was not ongoing adultery, i did the horrible act with escort girl i willfully hired and paid for. Knew the scriptures, the word against uniting to a prostitute, warning in proverbs,yet in that phase of sexual frustration, just went and did the act. After the same, i realized my stupidity, foolishness which i could not take back. I wept and wept in the conviction of the holy spirit and still sorrowful. The thought of porn or sex repulses me at this point.

Also, worried of stupidity having created any infection though protected, and consulting a doctor today but to early for test.

My wife is Godly, committed, a great women and I failed God, myself and her. Also, I hate to break this news to my wife as we having a baby in 2 weeks. She may reject me emotionally if she hears this though God has forgiven me. We had a great family going which I realise even further now and worried by confession will destroy it. Though physically, she may continue with me. I couldn’t have let this happen. Don’t have any counselling or therapy centers in my city. Am scared to talk to Pastor but need to, and he is very close to me and entire family and will be so disappointed in me. He prayed and sent me out! It will be a week or two before I can meet and share what happened to my Pastor.

Thank you Jack and Kris for your prayers, please do continue to pray for me that God guides me in this situation. Wish I could take is offline for more confidentiality.


Jack Wellman April 26, 2014 at 9:45 pm

Hi Matt,

This is pastor Jack from What Christians Want to Know. I just sent you an email and I can try to help you in privacy here by using my personal email which I normally don’t give out. I see your sincerity and your pain though. I also must say that I am a bi-vocational pastor and so I work, pastor a church and am in the last week of my finals in seminary so this next 9 days I may not have as much time and be as comprehensive in my responses but let’s try. Let me know, and I promise to keep this private, what you want to share with me in confidence. I am at your service brother.
Check your email for I just sent it on Sat. night at 944pm Central Time.


Kris April 27, 2014 at 12:01 am

Good idea Jack…it is one of the better ideas that men counsel men. My husband’s cousin’s wife was counseling people and she ended up leaving her family for one of her clients….You probably know that pastors are now instructed the wisdom of not meeting alone with a woman who needs help.

One thing I forgot which is a sensitive subject but necessary for the health of both spouses is the std test. This was one of the most difficult aspects of my discovery but medical people are not shocked about it …another sad commentary on our times.

This is especially important with a spouse who is pregnant. I don’t know how you will intend to bring this to Matt or others but it is a matter of life and death these days …

I continue to keep Matt in my prayers …Even with being the betrayed spouse I do have compassion for my husband and those who have been deceived this way …it is a very difficult thing but with the Lord and a humble heart people can be renewed and reconciled …some marriages come back even stronger! I pray for Matt to be equipped for future ministry ….and for his wife to be strengthened for the coming days .

Hugs for all


Jack Wellman April 27, 2014 at 12:33 pm

I think the std test is a great idea. I so agree. I too continue to pray for Matt and have started communicating in private counsel with him and most certainly, amen about men with men and women with women. When I had to counsel a woman I did so with the elder’s wife in there with me and with the door open, although no one could hear what we were speaking about and if someone asked me about it, it was not their business.


Jack Wellman April 28, 2014 at 9:08 am

BTW, Kris, I can see you have a strength in counseling with women and am proud to call you a sister in the faith. May God richly bless you for all you do.


Kris April 28, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Dear Jack!

You have a gift of encouragement for sure.I thank you for sharing that observation with me. I do not sense my usefulness in that I am simply in grief that seems to underlie all of my days … The thing that gives some relief is sharing and hoping whatever I can share might give another person hope .

The thing is that the situations of our lives tempt us to doubt, fear, and become hopeless. Our feelings remind me at times of the big waves at a place I know of at the ocean where the waves are pretty consistently over 30 feet. I used to watch body surfers there back in my college summer days.

There was no power anyone had to stop them and so they surfed them. They went with them and sailed along as the big waves carried them along.

The only way to survive them was to use the power of the wave was to be in the place on it where it did not crash upon one . This is like our faith. The only place for us to gain something from at loss or challenge is to find that rest in the place that is our relationship with Jesus Christ.

I have tried to practice contentment throughout our marriage. My husband said he thought I was happy . I am not so sure contentment and ‘happiness’ are the same thing. I know scripture says “Happy is the man whose god is the Lord’ but contentment is something different .

I reminded my husband that though I had all of what a life in the material realm needs and more I was missing HIM…..I had a growing relationship with the Lord and had many opportunities to ‘serve ‘ what I had been given as I had a close relationship with our children also growing more and more with home education ….and with serving others whatever the Lord would bring to mind .

I did reduce and then finally only have passing relationships with other people due to how all encompassing homeschooling and house keeping is , and with so many moves. It did not leave much time for great depth of relationships with other people.

I craved my husband’s time , and attention but practiced contentment with such things as they were, while encouraging my husband and sustaining my lack of being included into his life by way of also practicing thankfulness and consideration that he might be overworked and tired.

He was informed as I tried to let him know how much I loved him, appreciated him and missed him ….I had communicated to him often but not in a sense of nagging that I did not get married to do EVERYTHING and go EVERYWHERE alone.

THis he has to admit is true but now he has retreated even more from ANY communication with me but the barest necessity. He makes a very faint effort to keep in touch with our daughters.

In truth he has left his daughters to do all that a husband is charged to do for his wife.

When asked about this is says he is in ‘survival mode’ and has no hope of anything more but is doing all he can to come back ‘financially ‘ so we do not have to lose our home ….This from a man who once had it ALL just a few short years ago …And I do mean “all’ .

He says that he is never coming back and I should ‘go on with my life’ ….!!! It shows how shallow his understanding is of the damage he has done to all who should have been the most concern to him.

He cannot stay to go through the pain and suffering his choices have caused….I reminds me of someone hitting a person in the cross walk and then blaming them for getting their blood all over their car.

The ongoing rejection of his absence comes up from time to time throughout the day and very much before bedtime though I keep the word in mind and listen to teachings all through the day . I like to keep something at all times to help me keep my mind upon the Lord or praying for someone else as well.

Contentment is just not the same thing as happiness I am sad to say …but then experiences are not to be the measure of our being in the love and care of Jesus …Faith is ours from Him and we can walk in it and be comforted .

The life I am fighting to live within is further challenged by the ongoing daily reality of this vacume that my husband has not only created in terms of nearly our entire past marriage being a product of his deceit but it has a way of interrupting and hindering our present healing as he continues on …apparently having placed our lives in one of his ‘compartments’ .

I hate the idea of men somehow having to be ‘understood ‘ because they have this ability to ‘compartmentalize’ with the added explanation that they must be able to do this and that it is ‘natural’

I think that this is one of the areas of th natural man that God is addressing men to deal with, by way of learning to renew their minds in order to submit to HIM and then to become by way of growing in the knowledge of all that GOD has addressed to all and specifically to men so that they do not harm their wives , family and others.

All of what GOD commands is not only good for us to think about but to learn and grow in our ability to perform it from the depth of walking in all that WILL and CAN do in those who heed His wisdom.

For those who come to Christ there is no longer any excuse to live falsely.

One of the biggest damages that lies of this magnitude does is to cause people to realize that their whole life with relationship to their spouse and then as that false relationship has also determined one’s view of ALL things in that span …is to realize that the one person who you have trusted for however many years…in our case …over 33 …the spouse has constructed a false reality!

I know that the things I have lived through have been the life that I have experienced but I also have to know that my husband was a coconspirator with the devil and more with at least one other person. The OW knew and went about this intentionally .

The lie they built was deliberately formed for ME …in the overall she was completely knowledgeable of him being married with small children when they met ….she approached him …HE made the decision to begin that relationship and they made the choice to form an alliance . It was not decided to make it simply a short event…They did not know each other before …but at the time of the first date they laid out the bargain and plotted to have this relationship for the long haul!

It is so difficult to get my head around this that two ‘nice’ people could conspire to take control of the reality of so many people …people who were supposed to be the ones MOST concerned about protecting.

To some degree I believe that at least in the beginning my husband thought he WAS ‘protecting ‘ me but at length it was ALL to protect himself.

He was not even faithful to the OW …it seems that they were of a mind that an ‘open’ relationship was more what love is than one that is closed and exclusive!

This was never the understanding we had when we married.

I DO think it has a lot to do with the industry my husband was in and the kinds of people that get into it …finances.

It is so true that the LOVE of money is the root of ALL evil.

Anything goes ….and when the new age isms which are the ancient ‘isms’ were taught through the system my husband grew up in …govt schools, media ..with parents that were not concerned to have to train their children …believing they were just ‘good ‘ boys…this is what relativism and situation ethics brings forth.

These two people did not just create a false reality for ME but for our children , all those who did not know about it …They did have the ‘blessing ‘ of HER parents who must have thought that as long as their daughter was ‘happy’ and the married man she was involved with and several years later pregnant by had enough MONEY to make it all OK …after all he took ‘good care’; of his family!

These were not your low life people from the usual perspective but professionals!

How terrible it is to see this being the ‘highest ‘ standard that is now seeming to be the ‘new age’ society so proud of it’s ‘progress’!

The best hope and most comforting is to have seen that these are the very components of the end of the age being upon us .

The soon relief to the body of Christ in the coming rapture is not just “pie in the sky” but one of the most distinct truths we are to regard as we go through and occupy until we are come FOR.

As we meet Him in the clouds He will not be coming ON the earth for a duration as I understand it but we will come back WITH HIM when at such time as the end of the prophesied seven years ends…At THAT time Christ will come UPON the earth …they are two distinct occasions we learn of as we pursue the depth of the Word of GOD.

In the meantime …realizing the horror for those who have resisted , refused and rejected the Savior …we preach Jesus Christ and the Gospel entrusted to us …He has given believers the ministry of reconciliation.

The losses of the good things GOD has provided for my husband in marriage and family is HIS sin to bare but I pray he will wake up and become repentant in truth . His soul is on the line.

To ‘get my husband back’ by way of manipulations in his present state of mind is not a ‘win’ in my thinking. If he does not ‘get’ the magnitude of his life long effort to have the things he wants and the life he ‘always wanted’ then his soul is in the balance…He has heard enough to believe he has chosen not to seek it our to learn if it is truth. He has no interest in facing the truth and reality of his life.

He has heard the truth for many many years…and at the first was actively reading and sharing it …THIS span of his life he says he is ‘not coming back from this ‘ meaning having had to face the truth of all he has been doing , willingly , deceived by his own lusts and having had a co conspirator who he now realizes was not just my enemy but the enemy of his soul .

She goes on living as if nothing has happened…it would seem.

She is too concerned with acting the very same way he has acted….she is not involving herself in seeking how to be a good influence…It seems from what I have been able to learn and observe that neither one of them think that any consequences that their behavior causes others to deal with are ANY OF THEIR OWN concern.

As my husband has told me that me and our daughters ‘should not be hurt ‘ by his choices….Even as he continues to do what hurts us …It is part of what I see in the Word as the magnitude of the influence of a MAN …and a husband and father in particular.

Man is INDEED the ‘head’ of all his jurisdictions …himself , and then his marriage …and family ..which also then impact the society.

To have learned this …seen the destruction and then go on to deny responsibility to help with the damage….makes me think of someone running over someone accidentally and then when they realize it they back over that victim and keep on going over them over and over!

Having had to face the way his lying ‘reality’ has effected us all he has turned away and gone on to live his own life since we all ‘won’t ‘ put it behind us …further denying us access to the things that he is doing which CONTINUE to effect us all.

It is not like I am unwilling to go forward but as I learn from many resources …and most importantly the Bible …the person who violates another person is responsible to recompense …to make further effort or as some put it …to do ‘whatever it takes for as long as it takes’ starting with answering all the questions of the hurt spouse …as often and for as long as it takes.

This is the opposite counsel of many ungodly counsellors who say to not talk about it …THe person hit with this tsunami has to see that the betrayer is willing to give answers as many times again and again to be able to process this .

Withholding has the same effect as lying …it does not foster building trust …being willing to be accountable to the person harmed is really a foundational truth.

It is not that the hurt person does this to inflict pain upon the betrayer…but in our case I WAS NOT THERE…THE OW knew all that went on …and their lie was set before all that they knew…except for a very few who knew.

It is like having been placed into another world where everyone knows the truth but you!

In truth the fallen world IS like this and the WORD reveals the truth of all things..that we are born into a deception…yet the creation testifies of a Creator …and the conscience testifies of righteousness and sin. It is the mind of a person that needs educating to the fact that their every whim is not ‘right’ or ‘good’

Humanism has brought forth a huge population of people who have been drunk on the ‘Koolaid’ of sensuality as being a ‘need’ to be acted upon …no wonder the satanic mantra is ‘Do what thou wilt that is the whole of the law’ Alaister Crowely and his ilk!

Though this is the case that many now have no idea of the truth and the standard of moral law they are ALL accountable anyway …since if they truly believed in the idea ‘ if loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right’ of Al Green’s popular song…they would not HIDE it !

The adultery my husband did and now has excused himself from any part in making restitution or doing anything to convey his acceptance of responsibility continues to weigh upon us all even as we go about and get through each day ..WE do share laughter…we do enjoy some portion of relationship with others…but it is a hindrance just the same .

My daughters do not want anyone to learn of this and they feel starting relationships with others will at some time cause them to have to have this known ..and thus the shame and humiliation of this being the father that they had once known as the most respectful and highly principled man is shattered.

The hard part is that he is STILL able to present himself for short periods of time as if he ‘cares’ about making his daughters happy.

This is what I mean about happiness being a false ‘fix’ for people when they have been violated.

My husband takes our daughters out at HIS convience to DO something but has not taken the care to try to talk over the things he did and how they feel about it.

He has done this only a couple of time briefly …two specifically in seven years…he sat in the kitchen with the girls and told them he was willing to answer questions and let them tell him how they feel.

The problem as my oldest put it is that it doesn’t seem to make any difference what she shares about this and how she feels he seems to not hear her ..or does and does not want to go any further ..He goes right out , no answers , no changes …but comes back each time with a smile like nothing should be wrong.

I have known him to be a guy who believes in being ‘positive’ in every circumstance. Being positive and upbeat is GREAT and helps people for sure through tough times..but this is not useful to someone you have hurt to behave this way ..without having demonstrated first not just a sad face of concern but actually having EMPATHY enough to talk over what you understand is the offense and how it has effected the person you have hurt.

My husband has some reasonable areas where there is nothing he can do …he cannot change the fact that he has two children from the adultery nor the fact that he intentionally had them!

This is like committing ‘adultery’ against the children you have !

It has the same devastating effect on your children as adultery has upon the wife …that of the knowledge that YOU were NOT “ENOUGH”!

And that YOUR life did not MATTER …

It is the height of indifference for another human being.

I have been called upon to ‘care for’ the OW and the children …with more concern for them than for our own family!

In the beginning I tried to extend understanding …after all they had been bound together in this secret for 14 years at the time of discovery….I have never been one to ‘intrude’ into anyone else’s relationships or business.

This one lie of how to be in a marriage allowed my husband to continue to believe his life was his and none of my business in areas where he felt were his .

I trusted him …I did not worry about him doing anything unethical…and it was pretty much supported by his life at that time….

I know I have gone on a lot here …as far as being a person who can counsel others …I can only say that I try to share what I have learned from a depth of concern to learn WHY and HOW these things happened in our lives…and what I somehow ‘missed’ in my study of the WORD .

I think we ‘miss’ things from the word because ..first we may not have a lifetime or background to KNOW and trust our own perception as we read…and thus may fall prey to false teachers who appeal to our flesh …our flesh may not be something we recognize at first being in a world that insists “GOD wants us to be happy”! but turns from informing and impressing upon us the scriptures texts that deal with hell, sin and our carnal fallen hearts!

And so the foundation was not just sandy but quick sand ! The house has fallen and GREAT was the fall of it!

So …I hope I have not bored anyone with these sorrowful confessions…the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty to the tearing down of strongholds…but that is not ‘automatic’

Following Christ is not for ‘sissies’ but we are to become armed and ‘dangerous’ to the enemy of our soul ….it is not learned overnight ..at least not in my case…I suspect no one has an easy time of it …if the scriptures and life experiences are any indication.

Yet though our outward man perish our inward man is renewed day by day as we ‘eat ‘ at the table laid for us by our Good Shepherd ‘in the presence of mine enemies’

Our expectations of this life, this world and other people …may never come to assuage our pain but more …the expectations we are to have grown in us of the importance of pleasing GOD before we work on trying to please others…particularly and especially those of the household of faith must be built upon the foundation of the apostles ,prophets with Jesus Christ the chief cornerstone.

I have had a long way to go and still do. My hopes and dreams were not altogether misplaced as I studied and thought my husband who claimed to love the Lord and believe as I saw that we necessary in the Word for us to do and be …did not come to pass.

What did I take away thus far to help my daughters come to the place where they might trust that there is a man who will not be as their father? I think as I try to distill this down …a man who will not exchange his identity from a natural , unregenerated man …a new IDENTITY IN CHRIST …will not be willing to exchange his old identity of single man to married man of the one flesh identity.

My husband refused to submit to this ongoing growing into the one flesh …HE denied the commandment to continue in the study and application of the WORD because he did not want to be ‘conformed to the image of Christ.”

Rebellion and the idea that a “real ‘ man is autonomous and independent and makes his own choices without any need for anyone to ‘tell him what to do’ was at the root of my husband’s character.

His parents claimed this too ..,so his ‘teach-ability’ was limited and eventually no where to be seen.

He is still caught in the snare of pride …I pray for this issue but continue to try to make sure I allow GOD to confront me by way of the Holy Spirit and The Word …lest I get consumed with grief from the ongoing demonstration of my husband’s indifference to the effects of his self centered intentional life.

He used to meet once a month for a short lunch with a friend of his that is a strong believer. He likes to present himself as one who respects those who believe..

But I don’t know if he has continued this now that he moved out months ago.

I am pretty sure that NOTHING this man has to say struck a cord with my husband . This is the ‘fruit’ of relativism …it deflects applying anything to oneself that does not agree with one’s self made ideas.

Sorrowful…But anyway I thank you for your offering to encourage me in my effort to keep on continuing to stretch forth to the high calling in Jesus Christ …

I am thankful for your ongoing service and I pray your studies will not suffer for the time you take to offer yourself in godly sacrifice to His service for His namesake.

Kris April 23, 2014 at 3:22 am

Take heart Matt….’this too shall pass” is true because Christ died for sin…He knows we are dust…but has given all of Himself because we need a Savior living in the dark world. Those who are His know that they have a past …but Jesus knew about our life past ,present and future and still gave Himself for our sake.

Marriage is His , Those who know Him have a struggle sometimes accepting that He loves us …like you love your children…as they grow you know they may goof up ..sometimes willfully but you continue to be father and to love them with your heart invested in their growing and developing and maturing.

Father in Heaven I thank you for Matt’s heart broken over this sin and I thank you for giving him the faith to accept your working this out in him, in his marriage and for your hand of protection over his wife at this time.

I pray your will cause your loving mercy to rise in his mind to remind him of all that you have in store for him in becoming the man who is equipped with such an experience of the truth of your redemption and restoration of his relationship with you , with healing of his wife’s heart and strength through this time.

Lord you know the end from the beginning and you have not changed your mind or ability in working all things we surrender to you for your glory and for our overcoming testimony as we go into the places you have for us.

Thank you for increasing our faith and helping us to trust you in all of these things. It is sometimes hard for us to see when we are blinded by tears of regret and hear the whispers of accusation for all that we have done but you have forgiven and cleansed.

Help us to live in your site and by your way …help us to see that you have pulled us out of the ditches we have stumbled into.
Help us to pray for our offenders and we do lift those women who have fallen into the sinful plans of the enemy of their souls to become prostitutes and pornographic tools in the prison of the devil.

I thank you for teaching men how to avoid these traps and to learn to become equipped to help other men and in the process become strong in their own walk to be comforters to those who are in need of being comforted with the comfort with which they have found hope and healing.

Father I perceive that Matt is going to become a strong helper to those who are in like situations or are considering such things. I pray that presently you will contnue to bring to him mind the scriptures that he has sown into his heart to prepare him with what he needs to keep in mind NOW.

Thank you Jesus for Matt’s heart and his worries being laid upon you. Help him cast these cares upon you …one by one….

In Jesus Christs overcoming name ….we are so thankful !

Isa 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Phl 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Reading the scriptures aloud when we are under attack with thoughts that condemn us after we have confessed ….helps clear the way for the Lord to ‘speak’ to our hearts.

BTW…Here is a link to a songwriter that I think will bless you . He is soft spoken but his message and lyrics are very keen about truth that is often not heard in even today’s churches…His name is Trevor Baker ….I just had begun to listen to him due to a link from Lighthouse Trails Newsletter online. Comforting and worthy message that is easy to listen to and encouraging through some pretty tough things …



Kris April 23, 2014 at 5:04 am

One thing I shared with my husband while trying to overcome this situation was Did he think he sinned worse that King David? or Paul? ….

I know one thing the devil works to deter, stumble and hinder the believer….and all we can do when we stumble over sin is not let the devil win! To do as Jesus told us ” continue in my word and you will be MY disciples indeed!”

We were not saved for nothing …and God did not start with anyone who is sinless of those who Christ has died and cleansed with His blood.

Through our walk we learn and grow …One of the best things I can think of is to pray …”Lord what will you teach me from this situation? What will you allow me to be used by you to minister to whomsoever you bring across my path’

Next to the Word of GOD the thing the devil wants to destroy the most is what GOD wants to do through married couples who overcome.’

Do not allow yourself to think what the devil would love to have you think …YOU …yes YOU were born again for the purposes of GOD through the knowledge and life of Jesus Christ which is the new BIRTH….You are learning to walk so you can counsel others wisely when you encounter another fallen one who is sorrowful unto ‘death’ to deny the wicked and rise up …allow the resurrection of Christ to be applied to your life …sin is awful and God warned us of it …but in today’s world we often don’t take to heart those things…or we allow someone to teach us it doesn’t matter …and that ‘someone ‘ is often cloaked in sheeps clothing unfortunately

Nothing destroys God’s intentions but we may get so convinced that our failures are too great for God to make something whole and new out of the ashes that we just go along with the lies of the devil.

NOTHING shall separate you from HIM who has bought you with a price ….we are NOT OUR OWN …our marriage is HIS vehicle to mature us as individuals …as specifically designed genders [ contrary to the world’s gender neutral ideas ]

We are called to show forth the godly design for life which we are learning as we grow up …how many children do you know that are born and then are given the family car to drive …The world teaches people that they should be able to be sinless right away and never fall and never be deceived.

We have a Savior very familiar with our obstacles to maturity and thus we have to confess and then obey by continuing to learn , and grow up in Him….following His words and denying our flesh …we LEARN .

The flesh profiteth NOTHING …it is the spirit that makes ALIVE…GOD’s SPIRIT …Jesus said ‘MY WORDS are spirit and they are life’

If you are IN Christ you have died and your life is HID IN CHRIST …we then walk IN that …continuing to turn to HIM and at that same moment when we turn to think and follow what HE tells us about our state we are also resisting the devil ..and he will flee from us

In the state of sorrow over sin do not be deceived into thinking that your self condemnation is anything …it is not useful …repentance is to go on and not ‘live’ in that …and thinking about the things God says about His kids helps …I have been listening to sermons online …searching the scriptures to see if what is heard is also SO in scripture and context…keeping your mind on the Word through all means while God works out things …as you pray and keep on thinking the things ..hearing the things of scripture you will be occupying yourself with doing what is GOD ‘s job in this situation.

It takes effort …it is not a once and done thing , keeping our minds involved with renewing our thoughts upon this ‘bread from heaven’

I am thankful that you have had the courage to share your sorrow and remorse here …those who have been dealing with adultery actually do need to hear the way a repentant adulterer is thinking about this. Many sites where I have tried to encourage fellow hurt spouses need to hear it strangely because I think it is helpful to remember that all who sin and become truly repentant are in need of comfort . None of us married sinless people that I know of . My husband simply took the road with no restance and has not accepted forgiveness….yet.

I am determined not to let the devil win in any way in this ongoing necessity to be faithful to God and give God the venue of our marriage for His purposes ultimately ….That is my view thus far …seven years after D DAY and still awaiting my husband’s waking up to all that the Lord must have had in mind .

I still believe that those who begin in Christ and do not rise to the challenges that GOD has given believers to walk in are still those who God wants to use in these dark days where the society is so sexualized that the unwary man or woman does not realize that sex is not like air they need to live …They have had it impressed into their minds that they cannot and should not be self governed ….we all know that this is effecting people with over desires that were not always so prominent nor surrounding people in the daily life as we have now.

The Bible says ‘MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ We are not destroyed because we do not have the latest info on all kinds of things of the world …most of that stuff is crammed down our throats. Sins are intentionally being ‘normalized’ through every avenue to the minds of people . They don’t realize this and so many are not ‘armed’ against the usefulness of things that stimulate their lust.

I have much to say …sorry if I have occupied so much of this thread….I figure that anything I might share from this situation makes it at least USEFUL in some way for others …and in today’s world there are a lot more dealing with this in and out of the church than I realized.

Make some lemonade for the Truth out of the lemon you have gone through …don’t let the devil win by giving up on your ministry or marriage …You can do this through Jesus Christ and THAT is a testimony worth having !


Kris April 23, 2014 at 5:34 am

WOW,,,Here is an encouraging teaching on Youtube…by David Wilkerson….I read his book years ago …The Cross and the Switchblade..” this teaching has a title that might put some off but it was powerful in engaging with truth.

David Wilkerson – “Doubt” The Sin God Hates Most”

It rocks! had nor heard him teach for years! Give a listen and be encouraged Matt!


Kris April 28, 2014 at 3:21 pm

I just ran across this book title on some blog and was curious to learn what was in it ….It looks good to me so I ordered it …You can read the sample at Amazon ….

I have heards often how we love the commands to our spouse while sort of overlooking the ones directed at our own gender….BUT I have had to take another look at the scriptures as God created and ordained certain jurisdictions to the husband that are NOT to be “delegated’ or cast upon the wife.

I think that part of the trouble in our culture that came from each not taking seriously the commands for each specifically designed gender…for specific jurisdictions has been highly useful to the destruction of our society.

Sooner or later we observe in the scriptures the subject of boundaries and jurisdictions …and in our society how all of those which are designated by GOD to specific individuals in specific jurisdictions …self governing , head ship in governing the next jurisdiction of being a husband …then family ,…then governments of all other jurisdictions as HUGE in it’s truth and power for either protection and provision of all areas of life ….heart, soul, mind and body or strength.

Disregard and disgarding these guidelines for living life has shown how serious God has been in His effort to inform man how to govern…and thus live within the protection of GOD and in his own area of jurisdiction to protect his wife and thus his children ..first from his own flesh…and then from the outside influences.

May men think clearly about the way their ‘simple appreciation’ of the opposite sex effects his wife’s view of how ‘special’ or not she is in HIS EYES.

This is no small thing and the devil knows it.

The scheduled destruction upon all human relationships has not taken this as a small things and he has relentlessly and patiently worked to get mankind to become indifferent about the ‘little” things…like the little foxes that spoil the vineyard!

“Be careful little eyes what you see” INDEED! The eyes may be the window to the soul ” but they certainly have a conduit to the heart and appetites which if not protected by one’s own taking seriously to ‘guard the heart for out of it comes the issues of LIFE” ….the fruit of LIFE is directly influenced by what we SEE and DWELL upon.

We are to dwell upon God’s Word …to dwell upon our spouse, Men are told to ‘live with YOUR wife …according to knowledge …to understand …and it is so serous that it is linked with a MAN’S fellowship , pray life!

I read the table of contents and the sample…I feel it puts what we need to think about in terms of our distinct areas that ARE made by GOD to be specific to GENDER and how we relate in marriage and among those without who might tempt or be tempted if a man will not take it to heart!

So I ordered it to read it in full….though reading it makes me sorrow to realize how few men realize how important this kind of counsel is not just ‘for his wife’ but for his relationship and life fulfillment with GOD!

Becoming a Godly Husband Paperback
by Gil Stieglitz (Author)

Oh how my heart aches to realize how wives many times seek more and more HOW to please a man who is not only clueless of what HIS responsibilities are beyond paying bills BUT to find his greatest gift in what GOD tells him will be uncovered to him AS he seeks out what GOD says for him…..

Pleasing someone who believes everyone …specifically his wife is there only for his own convenience and gain ….is very difficult ..they will go where ever the ‘wind blows’ to offer him easy and ‘free’ pleasures.

This kind of opportunism is hard to respect…..and does not endure long before it is found out ….maybe why we have such a mobile society …


Matt77 April 30, 2014 at 11:16 am

Dear Kris,

Thank you for your support, prayers, advice and encouragement here. I take it to heart. All this has come when I was desperately in need to support from brothers and sisters in Christ eternal family.

I need to inform you that I could finally meet with my Pastor and could confess, counsel and pray with him and be accountable.

Also, I have been in contact with Jack who has been very kind to mail directly, pray and give the godly counsel, support and encouragement I needed.

I feel so much more relived now and able to comprehend better God’s unconditional love, mercy and forgiveness. I have been washed in soul cleansing blood of Jesus Christ and adorned the robe of righteousness he gives me in him.

Have made a fresh commitment to love, cherish, respect and value my wife each day.

Kris, I pray God will heal your hurts, give you new joy, hope and strength and new laughter! May God restore your life fully spirit, soul and body and give divine peace within.

God is still working on me and on path to being a stronger witness for Christ in days and years to come!

Thank you Kris and all who prayed for me. May God bless you all abundantly.


Kris April 30, 2014 at 3:06 pm


I am thankful for your expression of repentance …regret is not repentance without action and it seems you have taken the action thus far that has been useful to act upon God’s ways instead of out of flesh…Hooray for YOU!

I will continue to pray for you and your wife and family . It will take all your faith and strength in Him for you to walk through this coming storm…I hope that we all can remember that it is a big enemy who has been working relentlessly to destroy us , our marriages and thus our children …Our intended legacy is not without scars and battles but as we overcome by our doing all that Christ informs us to do we will leave a trail of victories in His name and by His keeping.

You are going to need not just your own comfort to deal with coming challenges but a lot of patience as your wife will have to go through some mourning and healing …Do not let this scare you …whenever you do confess …keep in mind that she married you and trusted you and that does not change ….her emotions will try to take her heart further into destruction …but your patience and continued affirmation of your sorrow AND your giving expression to your growing comprehension of how this effects all kinds of areas that no one expects it too will help a lot.

To pursue rather than run from the pain is really what I see and hear from other betrayed spouses as one of the most important..even if it seems like she doesn’t want anything to do with you .

Just try to remember marriage is indeed a marathon rather than a sprint even in the best of times…Getting hit with an area we did not want to see as vulnerable is not just a matter of lust unleashed but a notice of what we need to pay attention to in what God advises us to get equipped to deal with, protect and defend with not just knowledge but decisive plans to avoid.

Many men and women are falling under the influence of our present day subversive assaults upon the fleshly desires that are to be kept within godly boundaries,….over time those boundaries have been challenged , assaulted and destroyed by the societal ‘mind’ set ‘free ‘ from the protection that GOD intended His commands to be for us.

We owe it to our Lord, to our spouses and more to our children and all others who may observe this overcoming by His Word applied to our lives to live as under HIS directives despite the foriegn land of this world we live in.

We are not responsible to fit in or to even take responsiblity for what others do in response to the Lord but we are given the priviledge to observe how our own submission to the foundational things of GOD in marriage are provided for our learning and maturity in Christ.

How difficult it is for us because a fulfilled marriage relationship is not applauded in today’s media or society. It is a ‘given’ in the minds of modern people that marriage is ‘old fashioned’ or ‘unreasonable ‘ in this day and time …expectations of the carnal mind have seemingly vanquished the benefit of loyalty , honesty and enduring effort to remain in Christ…

Be not deceived by emotions or thoughts ungrounded in truth…a sandy foundation is useless for us to overcome.

Among men you have been offered a platform of experience that may be useful to turn many a young man away from experiencing the depths of sorrow you now know.

I say a video of a young man whose face was blackened by aids…did not know that was one of the consequences of aids but then it is often hidden from us …just like the fall out of adultery…Hollywood has made it big business to portray sin as ‘fabulous’ have they not.

The man said he was a Christian who believed that since’ God is love’ and “God forgives’ that he did not have to worry about controlling his lust and he went on with his sinful homosexual life …until the AIDS virus became so apparent in his body. He died shortly after this interview but not before confessing that his belief in the grace of GOD and his lack of concern for sinful choices had deceived him. This is so sad how often we become so sure of the forgiveness of GOD ..which IS true …but unconcerned with the WHY so many things GOD warns us as sin are harmful. Our carnal minds unrenewed and deceptive teachings at work!

So we must continue to seek the truth of all things in His Word to become clear about the way God intends us to walk in Him and more and more strengthened with HIS might in the inner man so sinful lures are no longer appealing to us …This takes knowledge and love for GOd and others that we fear to be drawn in but more to fear damaging others by way of a passive attitude about sin.

Do not feel alone …this was an intentional agenda to move people more and more toward the aim of the god of this world …but we who have come through with having sought out the way God would correct us grow stronger and more clear about the way Truth is to be lived in and live by!

When one spouse is falling or faint the other is to ‘watch their back’ I try to keep this in mind in the meantime …my spouse is captive by his own will …but GOD is our strength, our redeemer and He will never leave us even when emotions try to tear us apart within and without .

Marriage matters to our Lord GREATLY and we who love Him must see our part in standing FOR it as HE will work within those willing to restore us in all ways …

I am glad for your having been able to gain some counsel and support through godly counselors and the faith that has been begun in you …we need each other to promote the truth of the hope that is in Christ …what can those who are without Him do in the face of this dark present age! We must take our place with steely resolve and when one stumbles over a weak area of sorrow we must be reminders that there is ONE God who has saved us through His Son who was faithful til the end….and finished the WORK that HE was ordained to do.

I found encouragement and comfort in your prayer for my own situation…keep us informed if you will as to how things are going ….I believe even as these posts have been of a personal nature who knows who will one day come upon them in their need to be encouraged and read what we have shared of our sorrow and our triumph in Christ as we go forward.

May the wisdom of GOD guide you in all ways as you continue in the way that HE will provide for you to testify by your life of His great power and grace!


Kris April 30, 2014 at 3:32 pm

PS Matt

I wanted to add …that reading my posts I do not want to give the impression that I am ‘over it’ …triggers STILL come across my path EVERY day …it is not that I look for things,…

I think learning about triggers may help those who want their betrayed spouse to be all better and sooner than later.

In the case of adultery NO ONE knows how it will effect their thinking and lives…there is a small awareness perhaps but the ongoing and overreaching effects of triggers is not something we think of …

It is a phenomena that happens when some image, experience, fragrance, food, song….any number of the threads that bind a married couples experience of their love together in the past that now is seen as something given to the OP.

In the area of the emotions it is huge…romantic apsects are all under the lens of this being shared with someone who did not have any right to those things.

Sexual experiences ..even though often times men have seemed to think compartmentally about it …are HUGE …A woman will be more vigilant and sensitive to her husband even looking at other women …and it does not even have to be women unclothed…it is just that he is drawn to ‘appreciate’ another woman …it causes insecurity as a wife will take more scrutiny about her looks and body …even if her husband has not real interest in any other…it is very damaging to the marriage

Wives become self conscience to the point of wanting to hide themselves….I have read women who dressed in their closet more because they noticed how their husband seemed to appreciate other women ….enjoying them ..

My own husband used to admire women singers …specifically this was a ‘dart’ at my own heart being a female musician and singer….So the devil knows how to send the specialized attacks upon our areas that matter to us …for women it is our appearance and our emotions…for men he attacks through the eyes….and activities.

I did not know this except I began to suffer from my husband’s indifference and sense of disregard for me when I confessed how his attentiveness and way of expressing appreciation for other women effected me …I was also condemning myself and examining my sense of the boundaries of marriage by way of thinking I was being foolish and jealous…but indeed I did have reason to be concerned and there is a good and healthy sense of ‘jealousy’ when it comes to anything that will damage the marriage!

The Triggers that continue even now are fewer and further between as I keep the word flowing through my mind and ears all day …

But music , lyrics and all kinds of things come about that may cause me to struggle…especially since my husband has refused to take part in any healing for me or our marriage.

Early on I recognized that he was so invested in listening to his music and the lyrics which I found to be urging sinful behavior that he was beginning to be influenced more by those than the word.

He was arrogant when I pointed out the effect it was having upon me and upon himself …this pride and self willed attitude led to further disregard for GOD and for me and soon our family.

The input of thing does effect one’s attitudes.

The way infidelity has effected me and others is something that must be known but is seldom discussed until people go through it …and it is one of the ‘best kept secrets’ of satan that anyone hurt by it should get over it with little effects and it is up to the hurt person to deal with it by their own ability or AGAIN it is something ‘wrong’ with THEM!

I just want to encourage you to not feel your spouse is ‘punishing ‘ you by being reminded by triggers and it is not a case of ‘not obeying the forgive and forget ‘ ideology…One does not forget but one does forgive and then walk through the healing …a lot depends upon the erring spouse to understand this difference in healing process.

I forgive my husband daily and time after time…and as triggers come I have to deal with them too.

Also the going over and over the information is usual and part of the need to try to wrap your head around this news…it is so out of the expectation and so out of the character of the person we have loved and trusted that there is a NEED to hear the answers about all the details of the adultery over and over …one caution is to not go into sexual details as they tend to do more damage …

In the effort to reconnect sexually to gain back ‘lost territory’ often we how are hurt try to do this too early ..it too is a common reaction…and it can be damaging ….images come to mind maybe not before but after ..and comparisons in the mind of how things went …what the OP did that was ‘better’ ….

If you investigate the possibilities of how this will be effecting your wife whenever you tell her …I hope you will realize there is no ‘schedule ‘ for her to finally be ‘over it ‘

Any complaint about how she is not getting over it will delay her perception of your being sorry ….it will hinder her reconciling the reality with her future desire to be assured of your intentions never to do it again and her being able to be secure in your intentions indicated by your forming a plan to avoid such incidence again .

My husband once forgiven in the distant past we not willing to become accountable nor see that he needed to do anything other than decide not to do it again…frankly he did not seek to stop himself but kept up his ‘normal’ way of dealing with his life and thus soon ‘created his own need ‘ to have a ‘little ‘ on the side.

He still sees not need to put any kind of plan in place …this is hindering his own healing as well as continuing to cause insecurity in me and our daughters as far as being able to trust this pain will not be repeated.

Since he does not want to put a plan in place to avoid it he says that it is best if he is not around us …somehow that seems to ‘fix’ the problem for HIM ….but continues to cause us all distress not knowing ANY of what he is doing .

Actions do speak louder than words and intentions alone do not cause success.


Anthony May 16, 2014 at 9:30 pm

I have a Question Why Did God Created Use With These Sexual Urges But Get Mad at us For Having Sex Because I’m a 22 Year old and i Get Really Aroused When i See a Beautiful Woman Why Didn’t God Make us Have no Pleasure For Sex Before Marriage Many People Use This Excuse to Go Against God Because They Say These Urges is Natural and Why Lusting Over a Woman is a Sin I want to Believe in God But I have to Know why it Wrong For Use to Have Sex Before Marriage


Kris May 17, 2014 at 1:49 pm

This is my second comment upon this topic for ANTHONY and I hope it is OK …it is very long . I did not seek to take such a lengthy expression but I will post it and pray it is useful for your dilemma as it is from tried use of the Word to overcome such situations by way of the WORD applied to decisions and thinking.



Dear Anthony

I woke up this morning with these scriptures on my mind regarding your question. I think it is so very important that you asked this question and that you have an ANSWER that will satisfy all of those that seem to urge you to question whether God is loving God and why sexual activity is discussed the way God has given us as both warning and guide for us to be PROTECTED and PROVIDED for in order that we might live FREE of the nusansce of the ways the god of this world , the devil would love to have ACCESS to our minds and bodies.

The Lord told us that “The thief comes not but for to STEAL , to KILL and to DESTROY.

The Gnostics of this age argue that every aspect of the Bible and the God it speaks of is WRONG and basically all of it should be read as understanding that the God of the Bible is BAD, and a USURPER.

Funny thing, the Devil is also identified as ‘THE ACCUSER” …He accuses or proclaims what HE himself IS!

The God of the Bible has provided knowledge and when it is understood as He intended it provides us with WISDOM in HOW to live life more and more free of the things the Accusser would like to snare us with .

So I hope you will take some time to learn to see the truth as God has set it forth regarding Himself and all things pertaining to life and to godliness , which is a close and profitable relationship with God who knows the end from the beginng.

Just because He is all knowing does not mean he controls all of what people do. God gave man a free will to choose . Our minds are to be filled with what will help us CHOOSE the things GOD defines as good. The devil wants to take a man by his fleshly eyes, mind and hormones …to convince him that he is helpless against his thoughts and urges .

The first question in the Book of Genesis USED to leverage EVE to follow the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life was ‘Hath God said’

From looking at her answer we see that the downfall of her purity of relationship with the God who created her and all things was insufficient for her to defend herself by any of what GOD had said.

What GOD has SAID or RECORDED for us to know is demonstrated throughout the bible as the KEY to overcoming.

Jesus DID speak what was TRUTH and HE spoke and lived by “IT IS WRITTEN”

When you examine what God told ADAM and then look at Eve’s reply to the Serpent we see that she failed to KNOW what GOD had told Adam . Either Adam did not convey it to her as God had directed him to , or he did not tell her at all OR neither one of them fet compelled to go back to GOD and ask Him to remind them of just what DID HE tell Adam about the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Also when you look at the way GOD described the garden in Chapter two you will see that every point that we see the way Eve’s independent , reasoning of the natural mind apart from the Truths that GOD had set forth demonstrate that she ‘saw that the tree was good for food , and that it was PLEASANT to the EYES and that was desirable to make one wise.”

In Chapter two God described the garden in just those same terms!

As for being ‘like gods’ …Adam and Eve ALREADY had access to the GOD who would give them all the info they needed to remain safe, satisfied and enduring .

The way they were actually ALREADY “LIKE” gods was they could CHOOSE!

Temptations now come in times where we are challenged by our own flesh.

God says that the condition of FALLEN MAN is that the heart is DECEITFUL and DESPARATELY WICKED …WHO CAN KNOW IT .

Well GOD DOES look upon the heart and through reading and considering HIS WORD WE CAN KNOW what is the deficit of our own heart and mind which might convince us of ‘just this once’ or that our sin doesn’t really matter …BUT GOD DID care enough to send the very best …not only did HE supply the doctrine and warning about what would occur if man CHOSE to follow his ‘heart ‘ and FLESH but he provided the information about HOW to AVOID FALLING . Thus God was justified to cast them OUT of the garden because of LOVE .

If God allowed Adam and Eve to remain IN the garden they would eventually eat of the Tree of LIFE and remain in the fallen condition which was in the domain of satan who just took the jurisdiction of the world from Adam . The FALL did not just effect the flesh of Adam and Eve eventually causing all flesh to die…but it also was an act of TREASON ..wherein Adam transferred the whole earth from his own ‘job description’ of having it and to take dominion of it …

Upon disobeying the Devil took all of what GOD had entrusted to Adam.

Jesus will eventually return to the earth to take back all that HIS CRUCIFIXION WON .

Right now , those who love Him can learn what that means in terms of HOW TO LIVE NOW …IN the WORLD but NOT OF it.

The Devil wants people to live by their senses and to serve the flesh …but the scripture tells us.

2Ti 2:4
No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier.

As a new believer we may ask “ WHAT WAR?”

Most people who begin to follow Christ somehow don’t get this idea of our being in a ‘war’ right off. Soon enough we begin to find out IF we take our confession of wanting Him to be our Lord …and our Savoir to heart.

But at first we don’t know that every question or bit of information of how to live our lives is either from ONE of TWO INFLUENCES or ‘spirits’

The one that is ‘OF the earth , this world , or of the flesh’ is going to be in opposition to the Word of GOD . God’s word tells the TRUTH about each and every decision that confronts us .

The key is to become ‘armed and dangerous’ to the devil’s infantry.

No person would dream of going into battle without becoming armed and yet as the Word informs us we ARE IN a war! We just don’t encounter much in the way of moral opposition UNTIL we start to learn what God wants for us.

The world , the flesh and the Devil are in OPPOSITION to the Kingdom of God , the spirit , and our Lord’s will for us .

We are so loved by God who made all things, including us and has bought us and has the ‘bragging rights’ to us that we don’t immediately appreciate those things which seem to be ‘restrictive’ of OUR WAY of thinking and living .

God is GOOD …but even in the garden we see that the Serpent asks questions in a way that brings about doubt about His being good . The only way for us to know that He is Good is to see the world through the lens of the Word of GOD .

If GOD has said something is prohibited , but we think it is tasty or ‘necessary ‘ then either our maker is wrong or our perception has been skewed somehow.

Look at the way we are being lured and pulled in the direction of the world and our desires.

Eph 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Notice it does not say we are at war with spiritual GOODNESS but the thing that works against our souls and through our fleshly perception is “SPIRITUAL wickedness’

The battle field SEEMS like between what we want and like and what God wants for us and that seems difficult and ‘unfair’ .

That is because the god of this world who also is identified as the devil …remember Adam’s treason and how he LOST his first assignment to ‘keep ‘ the garden . “Keep ‘ also means GUARD .He failed to keep the serpent out and away from engaging the flesh of Eve , then he overtly rebelled and disobeyed GOD , diving headfirst into rebellion.

Rebellion is likened to ‘witchcraft’ in scripture . Witchcraft is not a ugly old bat of a cron as movies may depict but it is a manipulative influence that ‘talks’ to us through thoughts .

Eve was not ‘armed ‘ with the truth of exactly WHAT GOD had said on the matter of this tree which He placed as a ‘testing ground ‘ for man’s loyalty and willingness to obey Him which is the way man was given to show his love and respect for God.

God gave him all that was good and even a warning about the usurper who would use disobedience to not only gain the domain of Adam but to gain ‘lordship’ over anyone who ACTED upon something that God warned us would damage US .

The commands of GOD were in play even before the ten were written and documented for us . They were even written TWICE which is one of the ways in the Word of GOD we are told is a solid assurance of the true ‘witness’ of truth.

All truth is established by TWO or THREE witnesses. How many ‘witnesses’ do you have to give and answer to the temptations that come your way through thoughts , ideas, expressions of others and of the rhetoric of our age siphoned into your mind stealthily day after day.

One great and powerful armament God has provided for us even in our fallen state is that we MAY access HIS wisdom for how to avoid the ‘ditches’ that are on every side of the narrow way that is our life’s walk after the Lord .

ALL Flesh DIES …how much then it is worth loosing out on what blessings come from setting it aside in order to do what GOD tells us is good and wise.

The Gnostic approach to life is very active in not only compelling people to follow after their fleshly urges and desires but in the idea that what you do with you body has no effect upon your salvation. Well even if you retain your salvation which I believe the Lord will continue to help us in this …WHY would we WANT to follow an appetite to the end where we will suffer CONSEQUENCES and at the same time weaken others in their thinking about what ‘sin’ is ?

Sin is KILLS, but before it kills completely it hardens the heart against was IS good and it sears the conscience until a person does not really know what is ‘good’ anymore . They seek to be accepted by others who follow flesh and they miss the point of what life was to be about as we live here until our ‘due date ‘ expires and we face our Lord .

Eve and those who come to Christ often ‘fail’ to overcome temptation because they do not KNOW HOW to ANSWER the various false perspective brought through ‘reason ‘ of the carnal or natural mind ….Those thoughts are NO NEUTRAL .

ANYTHING that opposes what GOD has recorded for us to learn about Him and what is really ‘good ‘ is recorded in the Bible.

So called ‘biblical scholars’ who study, but only through the lens of flesh, are skeptics who CANNOT KNOW The TRUTH of what scripture says because they read from BEHIND the “VEIL” of flesh and man’s traditions .

What does a ‘veil ‘ do ? It clouds the vision. It is the FLESH that is a veil in that it sees what it wants to see and denies what does not please it .

The “world’ is made up of people who do not have ‘eyes to see or ears to hear’ what the truth is because they seek to please their flesh.

It is the state of mind that the FALL has left us with. It is also added to by the force of the devil who works through fleshly avenues to excite desires and to poo poo any truth regarding HIS existence OR He fans the curiosity of those who are interested in spiritual matters with things which are spiritual but not of GOD .

How can we know which spirit is at work in any given situation or thought we may have cross our minds?


We have the BIBLE as reference to what GOD will inform us is the difference between what HE has made for us and how we are to utilize it …and because GOD IS GOOD and CAPABLE of conveying and inspiring what He has wanted His Word to tell us we can KNOW what HE says.

The devil has attacked the character of God in people’s minds AND he has attacked the testimony of GOD as written for us to learn and know the Truth.

People who believe these tactics end up not spending time studying …because like all sin …that is the EASY way to go.

Many seek to have EXPERIENCES …in their eyes or feelings to determine for themselves what is ‘good’ and thus ‘every man does what seemeth right in his own eyes’ and that way scripture says “ends in death”!

If you decide to succumb to the trends and popular thoughts of this world and this dark age you will soon learn these things are truth.

There is no satisfaction or fulfillment in the temporary ‘fix’ that sin offers, but often as those who ‘proved ‘ this point will tell you …sin has a lot more lengthy suffering of consequences than we are prone to believe.

Somehow people will often reason ..”Well if God is love and sex feels so good then how can it be wrong for me to indulge my desires’ …they will also buy the lie that ‘ it may be damaging to other people , but my motives are ‘good’ so I am sure that it will all work out and if not God will forgive me’

Yes GOD WILL forgive but consequences will still be the result of sowing to the flesh…a crop will come up but it will be harsh and difficult to deal with as it is like a weed…quick growing and stubborn getting rid of .

To GROW GOOD character is wise and the WORD ,learned , kept and followed brings a GREAT CROP both for YOU and God’s reputation …which may prove to be just the ‘appetizer’ to bring others to see the wisdom of doing what GOD says even if our flesh and others oppose it!

Gal 5:17 For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

It says in the verse prior that to overcome we must determine what we are going to live for.

Gal 5: 16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

Gal 5: 24 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

Jhn 3:6
That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

HOW to ‘walk in the Spirit’ of GOD, many may wonder ….What IS the Spirit of GOD that we may ‘walk “ in it ?

Jhn 6:63
It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they ARE SPIRIT, and they are life.

The WORD of GOD is also identified as our ‘armour’

Eph 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;
The “FIREY DARTS” are not just a nice imagery, THEY ARE REAL …THOUGHTS and URGES used to convince you that you have a ‘right’ to do whatever GOD has said is ‘sin’ and the arguments continue to pull on you as you ‘entertain’ or think them over as “options’

The ONLY overcoming of these ideas is with the provided NEW THOUGHTS that are GOD’S thoughts.

His are better, higher , more powerful than any thoughts we or others may come up with . Instead of looking for excuse to belittle God’s wisdom we need to win the ‘battle ‘ of the thoughts of our own minds and those ideas that are brought from all of what is around us.

Is 55: 6 Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
WHAT ‘thing ‘ did God send His Word to do? To inform and to defend against the lies of the world , the flesh and the devil which are the ‘battle grounds’ for the ‘war’ waging for your soul!

WE have to make up our minds …to inform our minds . Out of our ‘hearts’ that is our emotions and thoughts ….’ Comes the issues of LIFE” or DEATH.

Deu 30:19
I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:

Some with ‘good ‘ intentions may argue that the Old Testament is not ‘for Christians’ or ‘for today’ …that is nonsense that has taken many a believer down the hard road of the ‘broad way that leads to destruction”!

ALL scripture is GOD BREATHED …out of the mouth of GOD as Jesus told us is good for daily “bread’ ,,and it is PROFITABLE …for ..us ..for doctrine…’what is truth’ and for reproof …’how to give and answer to questions that engender strife and doubt’ and for correction ..because God wants us to LEARN. We MAY learn if we have decided to allow GOD to teach us and believe WHAT He tells us .

To heed God’s Word is to be ‘instructed in righteousness or right thinking ‘ “That a man of god ,,,a believer , may be fully equipped for all GOOD works…

The ‘good works’ are those God has ‘ordained that we should WALK IN THEM’’

We cannot walk in God’s intended ways if we are double minded.

Jas 1:8
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

HOW do you avoid this state?

Jas 4:8
Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your
hearts, ye double minded.

Determine that you will draw close to GOD and submit to Him and thus you WILL ‘resist the devil’ and “HE WILL FLEE FROM YOU’

Being ready to give an answer to the questions that come at you for WHY you believe it is worthwhile to follow Christ and why you choose to avoid sin is a great testimony. It may or may not convince the ‘gainsayers’ but it will cause you to have many wonderful insights to God’s understanding as you go seeking answers from His Word.

One GREAT wise idea is to learn to AVOID doing , going or being where the sexual lures tempt you . If you recognize certain images or locations that will tempt you and stimulate your sexual urges AVOID THEM !

This applies to ALL things that are useful to the enemy of our soul to lure us through hitting our minds with thoughts .

The inner thought life is one tough cookie for those who do not acknowledge their need to guard their hearts and minds from the git go.

Many a man who never would have dreamed of committing adultery has done so because he was too proud or confident in his own fleshly strength to become informed as to how he has vulnerabilities and what GOD tells him to DO daily to avoid falling into this sin which KILLS …and not only harms his own life stealing his daily impact for godliness and good but harms his family and all those who his choices use and embolden to sin.

The building of a godly character in defense of the soul is much better done at the first than after the falling into sin.

All of the ‘guidelines ‘ for avoiding the sin in the first place are put in place and are NECESSARY for those who have to climb back up on the narrow way and train themselves to walk according to the Lord’s directions anyway.

Better to prepare to win than to get lackadaisical and fall into sin. Actually the sin of adultery is not something men ‘fall ‘ into but often they slide into it …little by little and it always begins with entertaining the questions ‘ Did GOD REALLY mean what He said about this sin?”

If we find ourselves looking for a justification for doing sin we will find PLENTY of support from those who know not God and turn to the world to confirm what they WANT to do is “OK”

The end result of filling up his sinful desires for my own husband has been a tragic demonstration of how sexual sin steals , kills and destroys all joy in life and even sex.

Please prepare yourself with the way GOD instructs us to see all of His commands are GOOD …not the way the WORLD puts it’s hand to the task of braking down the resolve of some who desire to love the Lord …HOW to love the LORD?

2Jo 1:6
And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.
1Jo 5:3
For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

We CANNOT “love’ a person we disobey the Lord to USE them for our feelings and pleasure ..despite what even that person may say.

It is NOT love to take what GOD has given us for HIS GLORY and use it for sin.

The ‘feel good’ is less tempting when we do not feed our minds with things that bring to mind something that is forbidden outside God’s boundaries where it is protected and ‘good’

The world has redefined what GOD tells us is good by His perspective to say what is good , such as His word , is ‘bad’ and what God has said is ‘bad” such as sin ,,,is ‘good ‘ simply because lust FEELS good at the time.

Rom 6:21
What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death.

The argument here is for those who think their ‘freedom’ is so that they may do ANYTHING without any consequences ..GOD does not ‘punish’ persay but the consequences are bound up as part of sin ..sin KILLS ….We are enables by Christ and the power of His Word ..holy spirit to AVOID through wisdom and deny it being acted upon by our WILL.

Rom 8:2
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

The SPIRIT of LIFE IN Christ Jesus is ours to deny the lure of the LAW of sin and of death.

We do not HAVE to give in to our lusts or the arguments of those who are trying to convince us that it doesn’t matter.

The law Christ abolished was this of sin that was in our members …but we do not have obey it ..we can “deny our self, take up OUR cross and follow Jesus “ as he told us to .

If we want to follow HIM that is the direction HE gave. We put to death the lust and the way flesh calls to us to do what ever we FEEL like.

We say “NO” to our fleshly ideas just like a parent will deny a child a dangerous activity. God tells us the things which are good for us .

Like children we often don’t want to hear it …we want to do what the ‘crowd’ is doing ..”But EVERYBODY ELSE is DOING IT”

Well …”everybody else “ who is on the broad way ..is also on the way to DESTRUCTION” ….Just like lemmings.

We CAN know what is good and right and true IF we are willing to do this …

Mat 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Hos 14:9
Who is wise, and he shall understand these things? prudent, and he shall know them? For the ways of the LORD are right, and the just shall walk in them: but the transgressors shall fall therein.

Pro 13:20
He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

Choose your ‘companions’ wisely ..’companions’ is anyone or anything or activity that you become involved in and continue to ‘walk’ with.

You are 22 …it is a time of great and many ‘options’ …decide who you will serve and what is important for eternity.

No one is promised tomorrow or even the next minute and every minute lived in HIS ways is fruitful and will compound your experience in this lifespan with a satisfaction that you ‘fought the good fight” WELL did not abuse the privilege and calling of your Lord upon your life.

Gal 5:25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

Gal 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

Rom 8:6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

Rom 13:14 But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.


Anthony May 16, 2014 at 9:37 pm

I Have a Question Why It is a sin To Lust For a Woman and a Sin Have Sex Before marriage Because We are Human that have These Sexual Urges But God Don’t Want use Do Something About it I Want to Believe in God and Accept Jesus as My Lord and Savior But I Don’t Know why We have These Urges Why Cant God Make Use Lose Interest in Sex Before Marriage


Anthony May 16, 2014 at 9:40 pm

There was a Error in The Comment Section i Left two Comment saying the Same Thing


Kris May 17, 2014 at 12:55 am

1Co 6:20 For ye are bought with a price:THEREFORE glorify God in YOUR BODY, and in your spirit, WHICH ARE GOD’S.

Hey Anthony ..Good question …and one many young people and old struggle with….glad you asked for some input.

Not only YOUR body but all people have been “purchased ” with the blood of Jesus Christ ….so taking what does not belong to US is ‘stealing’ including helping ourselves to the bodies and / or lives of anyone that we have not gained “permission ” to as someone we are then given the God Blessed status of SPOUSE which designated someone as OUR jurisdiction.

Sexual desire was not part of our design FOR OUR pleasure and use apart from the function it was intended for marriage covenant one flesh spouses.

How many bodies make up the ONE flesh , god design for a man and a woman?

ONE man and ONE woman.

When we decide that God’s Word has no value in these areas then why presume that any of the law and order God put in place for His glory and our good.

Natural and carnal minds think that they might selectively choose what they agree to and what to ignore from the Bible because they have deligated the Bible to being only authored by man.

If one reads it with the attitude that it is ‘God Breathed ” and written as it contends by ‘not from man but holy men of God wrote as they were moved, inspired by God to write what He intended to have recorded. God has also continued to sustain the integrity of the Word which also He has set forth is made up of word “purified ‘ seven times in a furnace of fire …both “seven” and “fire” are used to remind us of completeness’ and ‘purity’…God’s word is complete and pure…every word useful for God’s intended to bring forth what He intended .

Isa 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

It ‘works’ it’s effective and intended purpose in the hearts most submitted to it.

It is not understood and trusted in by those who are only seeing it as any other book and may even retain the INFORMATION of it but refuse to surrender to the Author .

It is THROUGH Jesus Christ and trusting in Him then reading with appetite and faith that it begins to plant in the heart prepared to meekly RECEIVE it and walk after it …the life that God brings .

It is a SEED which gives wisdom and understanding to those who submit to it. The carnal mind is ENMITY AGAINST GOD …the NATURAL man ‘receiveth not the things of the spirit for they are spiritually understood but the natural minded have not that spirit as they insist that their carnal reasoning is the “last word’ on what the Bible is and does.

God did not prohibit sexual activity outside of the covenant boundaries of marriage but for PROTECTION of such an intimate relationship.

Sex is an image of the highest form of relationship intimacy that is to come after a ‘sealing’ by vows with the knowledge and intention of obedience to the command of GOD that it is to endure throughout a lifetime ..til death.

The reason for this is many fold but one aspect we know is that though we might have many superficial and passionate ‘relationships’ with others which may also involve sexual “interest’ …it is only in singular , loyalty involving ONE person to learn to KNOW in all aspects of relationship with the understanding that the relationship of marriage offers something no other ‘commitment’ does if it is held in high and holy esteem by those in it .

It provides a venue of trust and loyalty ideally that provides a sense of protection for being KNOWN in a deep way that no other should be privy to outside of GOD. It is to also provide peace in the confidence that what is shared is protected from ‘leaking ‘ so that all kinds of areas of one’s character might be grown without fear of rejection or slander.

To view all people as ‘up for grabs” simply because there is a portion of our godly design meant to bring us to a state of vulnerability and closeness in marriage is a lie put forth from the deceiver .

Some say we should just ‘follow our hearts’ in a society that thinks with it’s fleshly desires as ‘needs’ …God instructs us that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked ” so hows that been working for us!

Sexual appetite is being leveraged everywhere a man or women goes in this society …it is to stimulate an area of our design that God has called us to ‘govern’ because it is one of the areas of our relating to all people in “LOVE”

Love does no ill to his neighbor” and USING someone’s body to satisfy an appetite apart from a proper respect for that person’s LIFE is not ‘love’ it is lust.

Just because you CAN doen’t mean you SHOULD.

The satanists have a motto that was used in the 60’s to further the agenda of the devil and those who know that a society which does not heed the ten commandments which DEFINE what real godly LOVE IS …was useful to cut the unlearned ‘free’ from the boundaries set to protect us …. that motto that Alaister Crowely and other satanists promoted was ‘Love is the Law , do what thou wilt’

That is the opposite of what GOD tells us in warning that ‘the LAW is LOVE” .

God’s moral law was never eliminated by what Jesus did …it was fulfilled and it is to BE FULFILLED IN those who obey Him.

Think …what ‘fruit’ has the ‘do your own thing’ or ‘if it feels good do it’ ???

Some have escaped without an STD but not without regrets and scars on their emotions and hearts.

Some don’t want to learn this but sexual sin has a definite way of darkening people’s understanding of how to have a real and glorious relationship.

Sex apart from the covenant ..not just a “commitment” or as some have redefined the covenant to say it is ‘just a piece of paper’ or it is just a ‘contract’ have lack of the true understanding GOD has had recorded to all who love Him and care enough to seek understanding of this most important issue.

The flesh is enflamed through the EYES and all senses not put under the lordship of the Word of GOD whch is WISDOM .

Several ways for a man to learn to control his flesh is to learn how to avoid the people, places and activities that he knows will present more temptations . For example if you submit to the Lord the desire to be obedient and to deal with your sexual issues …You will soon become more sensitive in your conscience as to what to avoid ….Your discernment grows as you take seriously God’s Word about such things …PROVERBS is not just a nice ‘poetic’ section of the Word but is TRUE strengtth for those who care about learning how to protect themselves and not violate others who may be clueless and programed by the culture of the day to discount and belittle the powerful way God intended for a man to become truely completed and fulfilled as he grows in his life through marriage and how GOD instructed him to live with a WIFE.

The whole culture in our day and time is feeding lies into our lives . I am now older but I came to my late teens and twenties in the days when ‘free love’ was the ‘happening ‘ thing and ‘accepted ‘ without any resistance among those who knew nothing about the Bible or the truth of who Jesus Christ IS and what he did for us .

Now …can you honestly charge GOD with not being very kind in that HE designed you with a sexual desire ? It is not GOD who has tempted you with various ‘turn ons’ but the culture is being ‘run’ by the god of this world who is the Devil and those, many of whom are simply clueless as to whom it is they have surrendered their bodies and minds to obey . That is because through deceit people think that how they FEEL or what they are enflamed to want is ‘good’ and ‘useful’.

it is ‘useful ‘ but not for good as the enemy of our soul and life is intent to use what GOD gave us for good and benefit in the confines of PROTECTIVE relationship has been ‘advertised’ as a “RIGHT ”

Do not be deceived …sexual desire is not like food, water or air. If a man will not learn self governing by the obedience to the wisdom of GOD before marriage ….he is setting himself to disregard boundaries the first time he gets turned on while married and perhaps his wife may be unable to ‘perform’

Sex is NOT supposed to be performance oriented but the world has made it seem so .

Life is not about performance it is about thinking of others and doing what GOD has defined as LOVE …which is found in the directives of the ten commandments which guide us to think about others as we honor GOD and don’t cause other’s to stumble by our actions …Do we endorse or strengthen others in resolve to confirm the way GOD says is ‘good ‘ for us or do we encourage people to rebel and become independent of all law …which is defined by GOD using the word ‘iniquity’….do a word study on that …iniquity unbound brings about the ‘love of many growing cold’

I urge you to investigate further the way GOD ‘S ‘prohibitions’ are actually intended as warnings against the things that will solicit the flesh ….sin has a way of OPENING the mind to further ‘suggestions ‘ about God’s word that are false and it encourages further cooperation with the spirits that seek a useful ‘puppet ‘ to do the bidding of the destroyer.

The gain of following Christ and saying ‘no’ to sinful urges will grow in you to appreciate the way treasures in heaven and a clear conscience about the past people you have known in your life is something you might want to consider.

A man wants to leave a legacy of help and hope …sexual sin has a way of stealing that away ….it also may lead to disease …loss of having a stable family …encouraing others to sin …including children you love.

Sexual sin breaks ALL of the ten commandments. moral law existed even before the ten were written. Even pagan Kings realized the loss to their own life by way of violating others sexually.

Some people try to support their sinful perspective on sex pointing to examples pulled out of context in the Bible …GOD DID have things recorded about real people to provide us with examples of what happens when some sin and their suffering of consequences …and some who obeyed and the outcome.

Also what you FEED will grow …try starving your sexual lust by thinking what GOD tells us is the way to overcome all temptation ..think HIS word on any subject that is soliciting you to fall .

Pray for Him to help you as you DO YOUR PART …read and put the word into your mind. Think of what you want to do and think if you would be able to glorify GOD in sharing it with others ..will it encourage and strengthen them …will it bring shame to His name,

is it WORTH the risk to learn at the end of your days that all you thought of as ‘nothing more ‘ than an outlet because you did not think it fair God gave you the gift that HE designed to be GREAT …but in the context he designed it for …you squandered to the point of not really valuing sex, yourself or anyone else?

Like fire …it has been said …IN the fireplace it is a warming and comforting thing …outside …just look at the news in San Diego to view the devastation of fire let loose and ‘free’ to follow it’s course.

May the Lord bring you understanding on this most important issue which is not ‘just’ a good feeling …not by a long shot.


Jack Wellman May 17, 2014 at 2:16 pm

Anthony, please read Kris’ comment. Even before the fall in the Garden, Adam and Eve had a perfect environment and before sin entered the world, they still choose to do evil. The fact is I don’t know anyone that has never sinned nor ever been able to overcome sin (except Jesus). God made us as free, moral agents and we are all tempted. You are not tempted anymore than any other man or woman has ever been tempted. I am sure you know that James wrote in 1:13 “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.” Please know you are not alone. We can still be saved despite ourselves. Don’t give up. Don’t put your “Why” question as to whether you will believe in God or not my friend.


anthony May 17, 2014 at 7:53 pm

The reason why ask Because I was Reading a Question on How To Overcome Sexual Urges and People are saying That This Stuff are Natural and They Were Getting Mad at God For Judging Us For Having These Urges And I Can’t Come any Answer Why These Are Bad


Jack Wellman May 17, 2014 at 8:07 pm

Anthony, I believe the reason you are battling this is that it may be the Holy Spirit working in you to show you what sin is and the Spirit gives you, gives all of us, the desire to overcome and that is a hopeful thing my friend. Don’t give up. Kris and I and I am sure others are praying for you and we are for you brother and you can be sure God wants to see you in heaven.


Kris May 17, 2014 at 9:46 pm

I think what you are getting at in that you are coming across the very present tone in our culture and world which actually as been this way since the beginning. Records in the word show us that people who do not want any accountability and do not KNOW GOD because they reject the knowledge of the truth about Him will continue to ask questions like these . In our day and time it is actually a ‘trend’ to challenge authority and often NOT to learn the truth or get any answer that cuts across what is the party line of the flesh.

THe Bible tells us that we should PREPARE ourselves to ‘give and answer to those who ask about the HOPE that is in US ‘

Does it say they will agree or receive it? Not necessarily and some simply like to try to provoke and simply go back and forth chewing over ideas that might have the most ‘heat’ going on .

To give an answer that should suffice may or may not settle it for them . IF they are HUNGRY for TRUTH they will SEEK it and keep on seeking.

However deceitful materials abound , Still GOD has told us that if we seek Him diligently we WILL find Him.

Many people have the truth coming to them frequently and have rejected it or become dull of hearing

Matthew chapter five gives the kind of attitude that someone who REALLY wants to know GOD will have …
“POOR IN SPIRIT” – not talking about money or material things but an attitude that recognizes the need for a Savior.
Meek” – for we are to RECEIVE the WORD with MEEKNESS

Read all of those and then you might be more apt to discern where sharing the truths will be fruitful.

Our FIRST responsibility is to seek the Lord and then obey what HE has told us to do …to ‘Study and to receive that word with meekness and a prepared heart . Some scripture testimony for you to consider regarding these …..

2 Tim 2:14 Of these things put them in remembrance, charging them before the Lord that they strive not about words to no profit, but to the subverting of the hearers.

15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

16 But shun profane and vain babblings: for they will increase unto more ungodliness.

17 And their word will eat as doth a canker: of whom is Hymenaeus and Philetus;

18 Who concerning the truth have erred, saying that the resurrection is past already; and overthrow the faith of some.

19 Nevertheless the foundation of God standeth sure, having this seal, The Lord knoweth them that are his. And, let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity.

I think if you simply bring the word regarding the truth…and that does not satisfy them it is really up to the Lord to convict …One of the ways you might observe how the scriptures can convict is to watch some of the Way of the Master videos on Youtube where they do ‘street preaching’ and are pretty good at giving answers in all kinds of situations and to all kinds of people , hecklers and atheists ….and EVEN some who hear and receive …and BELIEVE!


The bottom line is some are just interested in arguing or hearing some “new thing”.

Act 17:21 (For all the Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear some new thing.)


Jack Wellman May 18, 2014 at 8:30 am

Thank you Kris. Before I head off to church I want to say I thank God for you. The Way of the Master is the same method that Jesus used, the apostles too and I use this no matter what they believe…Mormon’s, Jehovah Witnesses, atheists, agnostics, those who say that they were baptized (and assume they are saved). The Book of Romans shows that we are all under the curse of the law but that Christ because a curse for our sake (Gal 3:13?) and in Him we can be seen as His righteousness and right standing before God (2 Cor 5:21) and that is the goal…to save those who are perishing so that God can be more glorified.

Kris May 17, 2014 at 2:41 am

I would like to recommend a book for young men and maybe men who wonder how to function more in ways God has instructed them in how to be IN marriage . I appreciated the things being a married woman who concurs how the things in this book recommend such wonderful wisdom .

God did not tell men to understand “women” as a gender ‘population’ group…but to ‘live with your WIFE in an understanding way.

Through marriage in relationship in the way GOD has instructed MEN become fulfilled in manhood in ways no other relationship facilitates…much to the surprise of men who may have thought they ‘had it down ‘ just from growing up male.

Our society and culture has been under the stronger and growing influence of the principality and powers of the god of this world to undermine a man’s life and breed dissatisfaction, confusion and increased selfishness which has nearly utterly destroyed their hope of having a life full of the joys that marriage is intended to bring to them personally as they learn to follow the wisdom of the God who has created man and intended man to enjoy his life with his ‘help ‘ who is ‘meet ‘ or designed FOR the man to exercise all of what God wants that man to DISCOVER that God will enable within him AS he submits to GOD and His will.

It think our culture and it’s various assaults on all things God has set forth for us to tap into in terms of HOW life and all of it’s blessings offer us , have worked to cause people to doubt the beneficial fruit of following those things.

Obedience to God’s wisdom ..whether it addresses man in particular or human beings who are willing to regard God’s Word as good and perfectly designed for us to learn all about our own purpose and part in living life in all of it’s abundance is indeed a wonderful challenge for man to LIVE by CHOICE rather than by FEELINGS and APPETITES or trends and fads brought to bear upon our senses to turn us toward self and one lusty experience after another.

This book was a joy to read someone take the time and put forth an effort to bring clarity to how marriage works best when heeding the things God has revealed for a husband to learn …HOW to unlock the ‘gift’ that GOD intended the man to have in a wife.

For a young man who is not married as yet I think it is good for him to consider the calling of a man to protect women from the vulnerability of how God has designed women in a unique way that few women understand or know about due to the programming of our culture presently.

Women are not ‘odd ‘ or ‘too sensitive’ emotionally , nor are their tendencies to respond to the way a man conducts himself a ‘weakness’

Women have been assaulted as well by the feminism doctrines which tell them they should compete in a man’s world to become ‘better than men’ and in what way? Women were created EQUAL …but in today’s culture ‘equal ‘ has been understood as ‘the same’ and thus many relationships suffer from not recognizing the VALUE of being different in DESIGN ….as some will admit …if BOTH of you are the SAME then one of you is UNnecessary.

God’s word REVEALS the gems of truth that set this aright and often just these revelations will take care of a multitude of sinful assumptions and tendencies to misconstrue or assign poor motives to one’s spouse.

Learning for both men and women is a great opportunity found in reading a book like this and so I offer it for your consideration and beneficial help in future dealings among the various relationships and most importantly to realize what you are getting into when you get married.

As one writer said ” what if God did not make marriage to make you happy [only ] but to make you holy….” I say ‘matured’ …’enriched’ …which not everyone thinks of when they want the Hollywood ‘easy’ romance…but marriage is meant to be so much MORE IF we are willing to listen to GOD!

The BOOK ….>”Becoming a Godly Husband”..” The hardest thing a man will ever do is really love his wife.” by Dr. Gil Stieglitz


sinnita September 5, 2014 at 6:00 am

Hi there, I’ve got a very personal question for which I’m hoping to get some spiritual insight.


Jack Wellman September 7, 2014 at 3:55 pm

Hello Sinnita. I am sorry for responding so late. I am not the author of this article but maybe I could help you. What is your question you want to ask about hoping to get some spiritual insight?


sinnita September 5, 2014 at 6:25 am

I have always studied in church school hence God’s word was always all around me but not sure if I was ever converted. Was baptised in high school without any in depth knowledge. Grew up in a Christian home but never was @ home as such. Grew up in boarding school since as a child. I met this married man in church a few years ago. Didn’t know he was married @ first but became good friends and he did tell after few days that he was married. However his marriage was in shambles. Him and his wife didn’t get on very well. I struggle to say no to people and even though at times I felt it was wrong we continued being friends until his wife came to know and she made it a public knowledge by involving everybody which did not help the situation and after easy few years they got divorced. She blamed me for this break up but the close people of the family say they were going thru a rough patch already so I may have contributed for it too and I strongly believe that I did contribute towards it. I was in the wrong place @ the wrong time. In between I did stop communicating with him to work on his marriage but it didn’t work. She couldn’t wait for the divorce to get over with. She has a partner now and is happy. Down the line he realised what he did was wrong and apologised to her and has sought God’s forgiveness and so have I. We’re clinging on to the promise that ‘if we confess our sins God is just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all righteousness’. However we would like to get married but I’m not sure if that’s the right course to take. I’ve never been married before, however adultery was committed during the course of this relationship. We’re both very sorrowful of our course of a action. He says of he knew the sacredness of marriage as he knows now he would’ve probably worked on it harder. As for me by God’s grace I know I’m not that person and don’t want to ever be that person. His wife doesn’t want him back and she’s happy with her partner. The children r happy n don’t want their parents to be together because they said they argue all the time when they’re together. I’ve never been with anyone else except him and I know he’s better as a person than he was and I’m a work in progress too. I know we started off wrong but by God’s grace we’re in a better place now and would like to begin afresh by God’s grace. Just needed a biblical insight. Thanks for reading the post.


Kris September 5, 2014 at 11:53 am


I just read your post ….I could not find it here …I am 7 years after D DAY ..[The day I discovered my husband’s adultery] .

I feel for you but one thing you might want to consider is that when a couple marry the MAN is given direct instructions HOW to keep his eyes and heart IN the marriage and is charged with care for his wife’s HEART. He is held most responsible for the condition of the marriage since he is the HEAD and supposed to have Jesus CHRIST as HIS HEAD.

That means that he is to seek out what the Lord is charging a husband to be and do for the care and keeping of the love in the marriage.

Many people do not know this since we live in a sexualized world that works against a man being aware of HIS responsibilities to God and to HIS WIFE .

The priority shift when a man marries is much like the identity shift from natural man to SAVED , BORN AGAIN, son of GOD.

The identity from single to married is REAL and a man who loves GOD is to govern his fleshly carnal urges BEFORE marriage so as to be able to also do the same after marriage and that BY THE POWER of GOD working IN HIM .

The Word of GOD is to be kept in mind which will guide him away from making choices and behaviors that lead him into temptation …and lead women into sin.

THis man KNEW HE was married and if he knew the Lord his concern was to be mostly to protect his soul and his wife and family from any behavior, location, entertainment and relationships that might weaken his interest and love for his GOD and HIS WIFE.

IF he has not learned this , and it seems he did not know or care about this before his marriage in order to work to keep his relationship with is wife in proper order and place while learning and obeying the Lord through knowledge gained in study of the Word and then prayer to ask GOd to help him grow in knowledge and application of that Word then I am sorry to say he will be a very unstable mate after what you have shared.

The Bible tells us that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways …in this case he may be feeling that he can be faithful to you NOW …but he has a very untried track record.

He has not shown himself to be strong in that he did not PROTECT YOU when he began to attract you to himself and he did not cease to encourage you when HE KNEW HE WAS MARRIAGE.

Love worketh no ill to his neighbor …” says the Word of GOD .

He put not only his wife and himself in a situation where you still have no business having been included …since all marriages go ‘through a rought patch’ …and anyone who is some kind of ‘option’ or ‘alternative’ to ‘relieve’ the pressure or tension that those trials put upon married people will deter and interrupt the process whereby married people are becoming ONE ..

This truth is pretty much not known to people in this day and time especially if they have not been raised in a godly home where the Bible has been held in high regard.

In the Bible God has provided protection and provision for women ..first by their father and then the father later gives his daughter to a husband who then takes upon himself the responsibility for protecting the woman and providing for her every aspect….body , soul, emotions, financial ,

In protecting her from his own carnal nature by way of governing his own flesh he is going to provide for his own satisfaction in that any woman whose husband does not keep his eyes from wandering …no matter how ‘innocent’ his idea of his actions may be risks wounding his wife and her ability to be ‘naked ‘ in his eyes.

There are many keys to how a marriage is to be lived in and grown …God had a SPECIFIC reason why it was to be ONE man and ONE woman FOR LIFE.

All things OF the WORLD, the FLESH and the Devil endeavor to usurp God in the lives and minds of people and especially in marriage which is to demonstrate the love, loyalty and perserverance of Christ for his BRIDE the CHURCH,

Thus the MAN represents Christ to the whole world in how he is to love HIS wife AS Christ loved the Church and GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER.

Many like to quote dubious statistics from the world that state it is the woman who is mostly the one who is at fault and is the one that files for divorce.

After much study and consideration in the Bible I believe that divorce by women from husband is driven more by the men not knowing what GOD was calling upon them to do and become as husbands. Feminism was mostly able to draw women to it’s den because of the many women whose husband’s themselves did not know God’s plan or did and did not apply themselves to become servants to the Lord and develop an unselfish life style under the Lord.

I know your difficulty as I too did not know much of this and as a young adult made poor choices….I did not realize how the demon realm sets people up to sin.

The many churches I have since been able to learn their positions …as many believing women especially desire to be good wives and to learn how to live in marriage …many teach that it is the WOMAN who is responsible for the state of the marriage and that she is to attend to her husband to ‘make him happy’

I believe the amount of the Word taught directly to men and to women is a reflection of the way GOD has made specific demands upon genders not because one is more equal than another but because of DESIGN differences in the way each is equipped by GOD to carry out HIS will for them as individuals, gender and the role in relationships that may be found to be different.

As scripture tells us
“We love GOD because HE loved us FIRST”

The man is to be the one to set the standard for the relationship by way of HIS having a firm foundation in the Word of GOD which is said to be OUR foundation …the apostles , prophets with Jesus Christ as the chief cornerstone.”

Any other way to build a life is ‘sand’ and will not provide the standard, protocols and way to have a life which can withstand the trails of blending two lives into one …from within and without.

Marriage is one of the MAIN targets of the god of this world.

It is to be the IMAGE of the way Christ has loved the Church and sacrificed his own will to do the WILL OF THE FATHER .

The marriage that man had that went to ashes did so because he allowed the difficulties to ‘permit him’ to go ‘shopping’ and it may be that is way of acting around other people, specifically other women , that caused much of the problem,.

He may have just not given the proper place to his wife , he may have not been wise in choosing his friendships and associates. He may have not been wise in choosing where he was going to spend his time ….or his energy or manage his income. He may have excluded his wife from his life.

She may have not been pleasant to be around because of HIS behavior or lack of it in the relationship.

Usually women do not marry with cheating in mind. Godly women will work hard to learn how to live in marriage oftentimes while men may not ..pride , often is the case when a man is unwilling to be teachable.

Marriage and even life is not FOR US to be ‘happy’ …living on that premise leaves people seeking HIGHS instead of seeking GOD and HIS righteousness FIRST and living that way would provide a satisfaction of overcoming those ‘rough patches’ which no thrill seeking can.

If one or both spouses do not have this understanding and a good amount of knowledge about HOW GOD defines and provides instruction for them to be able to live in marriage as HE intended for HIS GLORY and their good …they will become disenchanted because many marry hoping their spouse is the ‘answer’ to all their desires.

We also live in a highly sexualized world today . Men were warned by Jesus to keep their eyes UPON THEIR WIVES …living with them in an ‘understanding way because she is the ‘weaker vessel’ …this is not that she is ‘lesser’ as some might think…it again refers to her emotional sensitivity being KEY to keeping her feeling that she is the ‘only girl for you’ .

Men often complain that their wives do not like sex but this belies their lack of understanding how their own behavior either encourages security and ability to love and respect their husbands and their lack of having understood how their own design works.

Jesus warned men to not look at other women and allow those ‘looks’ to become habitual and more like following lust.

Lust is not what God allows even IN marriage. A man’s mind is connected from his eyes to his brain where what stimulates his sexual feelings is hormonal …so it is wise to keep his eyes only on his wife and if he is going to ‘day dream’ to make sure it is about his own wife. “be satisfied with her at all times’

The chemical reactions that must be exploding in men’s bodies from this kind of overall assault upon his eyes ..and thus his hormones often drives men to think they ‘need’ more sex than they realize is proper….they also think this reaction indicates they do not love their wives or that they must ‘need’ other women to become ‘happy ‘ and ‘satisfied’

The thing is that ONE flesh bond also makes the wife somewhat aware that her husband’s ardor is cooing toward her if he begins to neglect showing her thoughtfulness, making time for her, and spending his relationship energies upon HER and making the one flesh number one , after his relationship with GOD.

We hear this all the time ..God first then spouse …the thing is that if we do not stay caring about GOD and what HE tells us …then soon our ability to remain faithful …in mind and then schedule and body …will weaken and soon other things and people will take that position. This is why mental adultery and then physical adultery are BOTH considered adultery and IDOLATRY.

Anything or anyone that usurps the affection for GOD is idolatry just as anything that usurps the affection for one’s covenant spouse is adultery.

THIS MAN is the one responsible to learn how GOD while equip him to remain faithful to HIS VOWS which are not only made to his wife but to GOD HIMSELF and the marriage vows are a blood covenant….not “just a piece of paper’ and they are for LIFE.

I am sorry if this appears to be ‘bad news’ to you …broken vows require that each person take the time to learn what they needed to do in the first marriage to actually live IN the marriage according to God’s plan so that they will not do the same mistakes leading them away from functioning in a marriage the way that will satisfy them and their spouse and not break God’s commandments. It is doable IF one loves GOD as He has commanded …with ALL: their heart , soul, mind and strength.

Without willingness to do that …soon the spouse will not matter as much either. If one does not care about doing what GOD says is love…then one will not learn what REAL LOVE IS .
Since this man has already abandoned his marriage …and most likely BEFORE he met you …as HE TOLD YOU …that his relationship was not doing well…..I wish I had a dime for every person that has heard this as an entry excuse to be unfaithful!

The god of this world is also called by Jesus ‘the father of lies’ by way of having studied infidelity now for these past 7 years I have noticed that the ‘reasons’ people give for why they entered into adultery are ALL THE SAME …even the wording !

The devil is not original …he uses the same lies over and over because with the person who is not aware that every thought they think is not THEIR OWN but comes from a source…then why change what ‘works’ to “steal , kill and destroy ‘ marriages.

We are told in God’s word to govern our minds…

2Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Take note …EVERY THOUGHT…..we need to THINK about what we THINK about and make sure it is set upon the WORD of GOD to be solid and true.

Emotions are not useful to make wise decisions….they blow hot and cold by what we feel and the devil works this to our destruction if we do not realize this truth.

If you hope to have any kind of marriage with this man or any man …..become solid in your own walk and understanding of SCRIPTURE …not hear say …and also make sure the man you marriage has a proven track record…not just his words…but a length of how his relationship with GOD has progressed and what obsticals he has overcome.

This man may be sincere in his ‘love ‘ for you but his track record indicate HE needs to take a step back and rethink his life methods of making decisions!

DO you want to make a choice to be living faithfully by what GOD says with a man who has only JUST broken his marriage vows?

Do you want to be with a man who did not PROTECT YOU from getting emotionally stimulated and encouraged to go forward in an adulterous relationship….He did not care for YOUR soul let alone the heart of his wife and any children he may have had enough to control himself and care for all by keeping himself focused upon his first responsilibities to GOD and then his vows to his wife.

Perhaps you don’t know the whole story …perhaps she was difficult ..but perhaps she was actually no different before they married than when he suddenly may have made some unfaithful choices to ‘live his lief by his feelings’ instead of learning to keep himself satisfied with the choice HE MADE to marry this woman.

His way with you says far more about HIS character than his wife.

He may not have known …but then he NEEDS to take the TIME to grow himself morally and character wise …before he involves YOU or any other women in perhaps the same kind of situation where he ‘just can’t handle it ‘ …

YOU may need a lot more information from how GOD instructs everyone to live so that they do not become deceived by appearances …where in HIS WORD is the
instruction in righteousness’ and not our emotions!

Jhn 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

Where does one find ‘righteous judgment’ …

2Ti 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:

Marriage is first and foremost to enable one to become mature and example Christ in relationships.

This man and perhaps yourself have been moved by emotion…what you see and what you feel…..neither of which is to be discounted as important in marriage but FIRST you both must answer the question …are you willing to give each of you some TIME to learn what is really the purpose and plan of GOD for marriage and for each of your best interest in the long run.

This will also effect any children in the marriage…often people led by flesh will not consider children …thinking they are ‘flexible’ and will be ‘happy’ with whatever the adults choose to do …

I will tell you that even with a solid biblical foundation that I have been gaining over the 34 years of our marriage ..and having trained up our children in the word ..even adult children are effected with pain when their father’s duplicity was discovered…it is a life effecting event when a man commits adultery …and even his own life.

He had two children with a woman who saw an opportunity and believed my husband’s lies that though he was married his marriage was not all of what he wanted.

I am being fair to say that no matter how much he got what he wanted in our marriage he was still not satisfied…and I now understand that he bought the ‘lies in his head’ which came by his choices of who and where he went …he turned from the Lord and ended up following one deceitful idea after another .

People who you ‘hang’ with will effect your life if you do not put GOD and HIs word first …and then order your life accordingly

Now my husband is a miserable man who is ‘trying ‘ to parent two children he agreed to give the OW …and he hates her.

He is sorry what he did to me and what he lost which was more than most men ever dream of ..and that is not to brag about me in any sense . ALL marriages have challenges but a man of godly character will learn to overcome them WITH his wife.

I pray you will think this through before making further decisions …there is always forgiveness for sin with GOD but to willfully proceed in what could become a further mistake and disaster without some real turning to God to learn before entering into any kind of covenant with this man would be unwise in my humble opinion.

A man worthy of taking upon himself the responsibility for a wife will first prove his worth by way of protecting HER from entering into SIN!

If he ha not made an effort to learn how to govern himself before marriage …how then will he proceed when his next marriage runs into ‘snags’ and challenges?


Kris September 5, 2014 at 6:39 pm

Thank you Jack…>God gets all glory for how we have been rescued OUT from the world and His patience with us has been strong in the face of how much knowledge we have lacked in these past generations . I was listening to The Berean Call’s recent online Conference last week and to hear how many came out of the years where there was so much confusion about spiritual things and now how much MORE unfortunate redefining terms has gone on with much New Age isms being fed into churches where feelings reign…sadly….but the triumph is that those of us who came out of the New Age of that time now are speaking out about those things as we see many churches teaching people to accept things which are Gnostic, occult and ecumunical efforts to bring a population into ‘oneness’ in preparation to accept the Anti Christ …there is still truth for people to heed IF they will.

The popular preachers and some celebrities …all are encouraging those who do not read the BIble and ask Jesus to guide them into all truth by the Holy Spirit to belive and practice such things as contemplative practices which is not the same as biblical meditation upon the things of scripture but is the occult emptying of the mind to open them to spirit ‘guides ‘ and demons …altered states really leave people without any defense against such things.

We are commanded to put on the HELMET of salvation for a reason …that is to put on the WORD and to think the WORD whenever we are making decisions ….

I enjoyed the effort they put into that conference even making it available for people around the world to listen and for those who know how to use it …they could even ask questions.

Some of the speakers were Warren Smith and Ray Yungen both who speak with authority upon the new age elements an and reveal through scripture what the Word says about things .They took a good biblical apologetic in examining such books as ‘Jesus Calling ‘ which may have some surprising elements from new age spiritual practices included …Also there was a speaker from Britain who had much to say about “Christian Palistinaianism ‘ which many people are not aware of is pulling much support from people who do not know scripture concerning Israel….I learned a lot of information I had not preveiously known about this issue .

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem….along with this they addressed such things as ‘Replacement Theology’ and even one speaker who dealt with issues like how to help children evaluate video and online games by way of taking time to examine content by scripture and a biblical perspective training young people to determine content and intent of their peers popular entertainments in the light of scripture.

Great help and resource….many of the offerings are found not just at The Berean Call ..which was started by Dave Hunt and T A McMahon….but Lighthouse Trails Research Ministry which offers much free online material to study and research issues of the day in the church and in the news.

Anyway I am always thankful for your precious heart Jack…you are a faithful follower of the Lord in spirit and in truth and THAT is HUGE in today’s world ! AND church!

Yeay! Jack!


Jack Wellman September 5, 2014 at 7:14 pm

These men are great and godly resources for sure as Kris, as is your custom sister, you add something tangible that gives us real help in times of crisis and deep need. To know the God of the Word we need to know the Word of God and there is real power in the Word but few tap this God-power for His Word is active, alive, cuts to heal, and causes to bring about what He wills. My friend, you write things that confirm in me that you are yielding to the Spirit and since God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble, no wonder He has poured out His supply of infinite grace upon you my sister in Christ and I surely thank God for you.


Kris September 5, 2014 at 8:03 pm

Thank you again for your generous and kind words…>God be glorified greatly in your walk among those who you minister to …there is no doubt of this …B>D!


Kris September 7, 2014 at 4:59 pm

Sorry I got Sinnita’s name wrong


anonamouse November 1, 2014 at 11:56 am

Hi there. Although this is an old article, I’ve not seen one comment regarding the consequences of King Davids sin with Bathsheba. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. As a direct result of his sins (adultery and murder) Bathsheba and King Davids baby died. Yes, we can repent, yes God forgives, yet Sin does come with a Very High Price Tag. Families are destroyed, children are left scarred, sometimes forever. I know of a situation happening right now where a man left his wife, who is pregnant with twins, for another woman. OW has 2 girls. OW had just began to attend church, seeking God. She had even brought someone aith her who’d never been in a church! Sadly, she hooked up aith married man. Her lil girls are sad and beginning to rebel and the wife has the twins and they r in the midst of a very nasty divorce. The statistics for ppl who marry the one’s they fell into adultery with lasting? Very slim. As I said, God will forgive, but most times, there ARE consequences and they r not pretty. The devil walks about seeking whom he may devour, pray one for another, lest we fall. The change in the OW is indescribable, I don’t know who she is anymore. She is haughty and angry because her children don’t like her choices. It has got to be one of the saddest situations I’ve Ever seen and I’ve seen a lot. Pls pray for rhe children. Mom is a grown woman but thw children didn’t ask nor want this. Who is hurting? God, the wife, and the innocent children. For what? A fleeting moment. When it all falls apart and it Will, I will be back to finish this very sad story.


Dotty March 11, 2015 at 8:10 am

Hi Kris, i have been touched by your story, i find myself in a similar situation and am at my wits end as to how to handle it.
My husband and have been married for 18 years, unknown to me my husband has been having affairs with other women outside our marriage. i was felt so betrayed, disappointed and let down when i became aware of his behaviour. to make things worse, he had a child with one of the women he was having an affair with. i was so devastated and hurt. He apologised and forgave him, but i have come to know that He is having an affair with another woman. it is like something pushes him to do it and he is always lying to cover things up. Am hurting and my heart is breaking. As a christian i don’t want divorce because i love him and our children adore him. i need prayer support especially for him to come to know God and change from his evil ways and also for my broken heart to heal.


Jack Wellman March 11, 2015 at 8:24 am

Hi Dotty…I will certainly pray for you. Your situation touched my heart and can’t imagine how difficult and painful this is. You’ve got my prayers and I get the feeling, I’m not alone in praying for you Dotty.


kris March 12, 2015 at 8:57 pm

I just got online ….I saw Dotty’s post and wanted to encourage her. It is so difficult ,especially for a Christian who is doing all they can to learn how to be a good spouse and follow what the Bible says about our jurisdiction in marriage . What has been happening in many churches is a growing intrusion doctrine and practice wise and apart from the actual Word of GOD ‘s instruction it is damaging and destructive to our understanding and eventually practice.

I don’t think you said what your husbands life has been in terms of the Word but I do know that once a person departs from allowing the truth of the Word to be their guide and bottom line for HOW to live rightly then they become open to all kinds of deceitful thoughts which lead away into justifying sin.

That you said that he continues in various sinful choices it seems he is not a believer or may have set the biblical standard aside due to wrong teaching , false doctrines that allow a believer to think that because he is ‘forgiven’ that it is a ‘pass’ on his responsiblity to learn to avoid sin.

Be that as it may your pain is HUGE with his continuing to take advantage of his ‘freedom’ to do whatever he can get away with . The truth is that he is really also damaging himself in a lot of ways that may not be apparent to him right now .

It really hurts to see that a man is willing to harm his wife AND his children in the many ways that adultery does. He is risking a lot by way of ‘connecting’ with random people who may have any number of diseases….{ I recently found out that I contracted one from my husband’s antics’ that is incurable but not life threatening…but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with!]

The damage done financially is also another area that my own husband presumed he had it knocked…no worries for him ..WHILE he was throwing abundant amounts of our family’s various financial needs away ..and our future .

He also did not seem to be too concerned with the unstable mind of the person and persons he ‘connected’ with in so many ways for so long. Cutting off anyone of the character of those who willingly enter into adultery is often not the easy thing they think …even as some of those make a great deal about how they don’t expect anything …this does not always pan out that way. A liar will lie…simple. A woman who will commit adultery with a married man is no one to believe! not about the condom…or the various other things …diseases….and the man who commits adultery is skilled in lying.

How I sympathize with your pain and the situation you are in …HOW OUR LORD KNOWS the situation.

Today there is a PLAGUE of adultery and also a plague of spiritual adultery ..which is one of the very open doors which began the mess. Turning from respect for the Word of GOD is the one leverage away from learning the value of godliness and separating truth from emotions!

I pray for you that you will fill up on the wisdom of the Word and offer a few sites that encourage those who are standing for their marriages….Rejoice Marriage Ministry is one that comes to mind and there are many encouraging testimony of marriage restored when God has been working even in many lives we would not think would change.

The Berean Call and Lighthouse Trails also offers some good info on many of the things that believers are dealing with as the change facilitators have taken up positions of ‘authority’ which they use to turn people away from the Word and the study of it….

I pray you will be comforted and delivered from the way this kind of sin is used by the devil to steal , kill and destroy what Christians have been offered from the Lord . He has His jurisdiction and we have ours..the Word equips us that we may not be ignorant of the ways that sin and the world works sinful living into live as ‘normal’ and causes so much pain and suffering.

May your husband wake up SOON before he loses his opportunity to learn to live within the protection and provision of God who KNOWS what is right, true and useful to avoid such a legacy of damage and destruction.

No need to live with regrets when we are given such a gracious option to LEARN to LIVE and LOVE by the Creator who has extended His truth to whomsoever will take heed!


Dotty March 13, 2015 at 12:22 pm

Hi Kris,
Thank you very much for your encouragement. my husband lost His faith some years after we got married and it has been my prayer since that he will come back to his maker. what bother me most now is he is all sweet and affectionate towards me but at the least opportunity he hides to talk to the other woman. He lies about this relationship and i would like to know Kris, if i should confront him with the evidence i have about his affair or just go on being a dutiful wife and allow God to work on him. I become angry when he tries to be all sweet and nice after talking or chatting to the other women, this sometimes affect my mood in the home and my attitude towards my children. please advice. thank you very much and God bless you.


kris March 13, 2015 at 1:52 pm

Hi Dotty,

This is always a sticky matter with a woman who wants to obey the Lord in the teaching of being able to win her unbelieving husband with a ‘meek and quiet spirit’….I know it seems difficult because , well , we THOUGHT we married men who loved the Lord !

The scriptures speak to us as believers about those who are thinking they are believers but are not ! They are on a BROAD WAY that leads to destruction. When I first became a believer I read this as speaking of unbelievers …but then I realized that it was talking about ‘believers’ who believed they were on the way that is determined by the Lord but they are only going the way of a large peer group that goes the way that ‘seemeth right’ and are not paying attention to the Lord!

The way that “seemeth right” is a popular way that is comfortable to the flesh.

We do not want to count our spouses ‘out’ in terms of salvation, but it is hard to observe such behaviors and believe that they really love and care about GOD and when their choices indicate that the pain and damage they do to their spouse is of no concern we have to wonder about this.

They also do not seem to realize the damage they do to those they cheat with. As a Christian we are to become more and more concerned about allowing GOD to teach us through study of HIS WORD …and more and more cautious about anyone who teaches that we CAN sin because we are “forgiven’ and now do not have to be concerned about HOW we LIVE our lives. That is selfish and not the compassionate attitude that our growing knowledge of what sin is and how destructive it is for the sake of the soul ..our own and others!

We should obey GOD rather than men. The order of GOD is God FIRST ..then spouse…then others. This would solve a TON of the problems people find they have since they care to ‘love their neighbor’ but fail to understand the way GOD defines HIS love!

The way those of the first century were being written to about sin that crept into their midst was to “FLEE FORNICATION” and every sin that defiled their temple. It was also pointed out that there were some actions that they had to DO themselves for the sake of the Gospel.

The Corinthians were born again in a culture which was very active in many of the sinful things that we see abounding today …in and out of the church! God has pointed out that it was due to the lack of knowledge of the Word and His will AND that in lacking LOVE for HIM they simply allowed sin to prevail. They did not care to become knowledgeable in many cases because it was thought that if they KNEW what GOD said they would THEN be accountable.

Accountability is only ONE aspect of our walk …in fact accountabilty is what those who realize the deadliness of sin is WANT to establish. First by availing themselves of being confronted by daily scripture with the desire to learn what to avoid doing or thinking …to learn to gain the renewed mind which is equipped with the knowledge of the Lord in what is going on …and how to avoid doing and endorsing what is that kind of lifestyle which steals, kills and destroys life here and on into eternity if that person does not turn from his dark dwelling in sin!

If we LOVE others we as those who have come to Christ will be concerned first about how a person is living without Christ! If they turn from Christ and the growing in the knowledge of His instructions then we should be concerned to try to awaken them to this condition they have fallen into.[or in some cases ‘dove ‘ into!]

To address and confront such persons we need to know the scriptures and to ask the Lord to teach us what to say …the Holy Spirit will bring up from within what we are to speak …but we have to have knowledge of the WORD …I liken it to ‘soft ware ” in our minds.

Thus the exhortation to ‘renew the mind’ with the word .

Many scriptures speak of this assignment to the believer.

If a person says they love the Lord and do not love the Word of GOD then they are going to be ‘unarmed’ to deal with their carnal mind and the various vulnerabilities that they don’t even know or see as danger zones in their own lives.

Sin has become so normalized and popular as people have been led to become desensitized to sin. It has been avoided as a topic in seeker sensitive pulpits who are more concerned with filling the pews [and coffers] than saving of souls.

Today we see many who deny scripture and have moved into the ecumunical , feel good , social gospel which seeks to carry out in the name of Jesus the agenda of the Humanist and Globalists desire to shut God and Jesus Christ out of the picture.

If we are in the Word and observe as the days grow darker with fewer people who say they love the Lord actually demonstrating the knowledge of the Word or even desire to learn what He has set forth …we see that the days are drawing nigh…the church age is coming to a close and soon we shall be those who see the Lord coming in the clouds to take the church to Himself .

This is also spoken of in 2 Peter …scoffers even ‘in the church’ are saying ‘where is the promise of His coming’ …to believer this is yet another indication of the conditions Christ spoke of regarding the end of the church age and the beginning of the ‘time of Jacob’s Trouble’.

Seeing how short a time we have how much more do we as believers need to be equipping ourselves with the Word and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us into all truth . To be discerning and to recognize the various ‘isms’ that cause many to fall into a state of becoming more and more unaware of the truth of what is going on all around us today.

Adultery is a ‘plague’ upon the land …it has deep connotations that those who are believers and yet have become victims of a spouse falling into this trap are given a further urging to learn what GOD is revealing in terms of what it is .,..what it means and how it happens when people turn from the Lord to seek teachers who provide comfort to their itching ears …seeking to be told …nothing is restrained from you! such as it was in the time of Noah …and at the Tower of Babel.

What does this mean in terms of what you might do to reach your husband? I see that prayer for his soul is needed…speaking to him as the Word tells us about what you become aware of MAY or MAY NOT find a place in a heart which is turned away from the wisdom of GOD and been steeped in practiced willful sin.

Sadly the state of blindness is one that only God can deal with and we are given prayer to continue for their souls sake as spouses ..one flesh …and certainly as those who are commanded to pray for our enemies as well as our brethren…WHAT and HOW to pray is found in the Word and it MAY surprise some who presume they already “know’ what the Bible has to say but have not pursued to learn from personal searching of the Scriptures daily.

Many have had their confidence in God being good or that the Bible IS the Word of GOD as god breathed so they have a lack of energetic urgency about reading it let alone study of it.

This has been an ongoing deliberate attempt by satan since his seducing Eve to think God is not good, or does not have any worthy boundaries for us .

We need to wake up and keep on doing what JESUS told us to do …’daily bread’ …in eating our own bread …in quiet ..personal time with HIM in study and conversation ..asking for what we need to learn and understand …and with continuing believing and trusting He will ‘reward ‘ the diligent believing seeker…in HIS WORD.

Always about the WORD, Today many popular hirelings see a benefit to teaching people hungry to know God that they don’t need the Bible! …They have a broad influence due to media…and so MANY who want to have a relationshp with GOD and do not know the Bible…have been led to do things which open their minds to whatever spirit of the god of this world may suggest to them ..as they ‘meditate’ and do all kinds of new age isms and old occult isms cloaked in a thin veneer of scripture.

The Devil KNOWS scripture and he knows people ..having been around to observe and identify their weaknesses…he appeals to the desire of man to DO ‘for GOD ‘ without obeying GOD as the first command would equip those who take it to heart.

It is the religious and ‘christian ‘ form of Humanism that has crept into carnal churches now bent upon doing good works for the sake of humanity!

This denies Jesus Christ’s work ..finished for us on the Cross …and available to whomsoever BELIEVES…all the other is not ordained by GOD for our souls sake.

All of the things described in the scripture such as’ feed the hungry’ or ‘cloth the naked’ etc…are talking about feed the bread of life which came down from Heaven…and cloth the naked who are void of the garment of salvation with the righteousness of Jesus Christ …SALVATION through the speaking of the Word of GOD !

HOW can anyone obey the first commandment without knowing the WORD.

This is what GOD said is LOVE …HIS kind of Love is demonstrated by obeying His command to ‘keep my words’.

All of this to say …in the marriage where a man is continuing to live in deceit…first deceiving himself …and then deliberately trying to deceive others..he is dead …he is in dire need of a true wake up call.

Psychologists will tell you all kinds of ‘methods’ to deal with things…they know not God …even if they say they do…The Word tells us about what is WISDOM …IF we will take heed.

The liar or sinner needs to be confronted by the TRUTH …scripture spoken to one who loves sin will not necessarily be received…and for the Word to be effective they must “receive it with meekness”.

The heart of a person who is going to benefit from the scriptures is ‘prepared’ and they have come to ‘desire’ it because they see their need!

A person who lives by lying is living by the spirit of the father of lies . They don’t necessarily understand that their thoughts are not their OWN but are those who come into a mind that has no defense. The ‘armor’ of GOD is the WORD ..and we are told to use that to ‘take ever thought captive’ …to ‘cast down every imagination and high thing which HOLDS ITSELF UP AGAINST THE KNOWLEDGE oF GOD”

They don’t have that equipment. They CAN have it if they desire to change. Repentance is a CHANGE of the MIND …the content of most people’s minds is a combination of what they hear …and what is fed into them.

Company with people who approve sin and oppose the idea of GOD being all wise and His word being protective, the usefulness of truth does not penetrate a mind which is being fed the encouragement to sin. The environment distracts from considering the value of living life any other way but to seek pleasure!

Sin is pleasant FOR A SEASON …It is summed up in ‘what you feed grows’ . He must learn to starve the urge to obey his fleshly urges and learn how to set up and keep boundaries to protect his soul, his love for you and his lifelong legacy.

One of the things that the prayers of a believer who is praying according to the way GOD has set forth all He is willing and able to do and then what OUR jurisdiction and responsibilities are …is that the person who we pray for as GOD has instructed us how to pray for specific situations ….then is going to be effected in the realm of the spirit ….where we may not know what to pray for …but our willingness to obey the command to pray will be honored . We may not see what we want to see …or not immediately but it is heard by GOD when believers pray aright.

According to the vows spoken in the marriage ceremony we have a right as a spouse to expect those vows to be fulfilled. We have the right to bring our concerns about our spouses behavior and life choices to their attention.

Among believers we are told that we are to bring to the attention of other believers when we are offended so that they might learn what they need to know about whatever they may have done that may be a true offense of sin …so they might recover themselves out of the grip of the god of this world and sinful things which could enslave them

if they will not hear then there is a protocol …to take someone else with us who is solid in the faith …if they will not hear then …well you can go read this process for yourself. The thing is finding anyone who is also well instructed and mature in how this all is to be done.

The Bible says that at the testimony of two or three witnesses a truth is established and this also was the guide in judicial matters . Scripture provides often two or more ‘witnesses’ of scriptures to establish truth….but in the matters of human relationships the judicial system of man set up for the protection of boundaries among men has been set up …but is breaking down even now .

Despite what the world is doing …we are given such responsibility in the body of Christ to approach those who are sinning against us and themselves to allow them to realize it . If they are doing so and will not repent then God also provides us with what to do in scripture.

In simply relationships among even unbelievers there is an expectation of some degree of transparency and honesty. So in marriage it would seem even more acceptable to be able to approach people with what will shine the light upon their coming short of what build trust!

I am not going to tell you WHAT to do or HOW …but with knowledge you have of his continued sin it seems important that he realize you are bringing this to his attention because it is for HIS own good. Lying and sinning eventually will destroy him even if he doesn’t care about anyone he is hurting by his ongoing deceit.

Lying as practiced begins to tear up the foundation of a person’s ability to deal with reality!When the consequences of sin begin to bring forth the bad fruit they have not thought ahead and they are not equipped to deal with it. Sooner or later they will become desperate to seek help. Many go here and there seeking relief in all kinds of sinful ‘quick fixes’ but the truth of the matter eludes them because it is ‘too hard’ …that is because they have bought the LIE that they must DO it by flesh.

When you approach him …ask the Lord to give you wisdom in what to speak and how.

The way we approach others in times of offense if also something that often times is done by our fleshly presumptions of how to go about it.

I know you are in a quandry …God identifies this sometimes as being in a ‘straight’ ..but that is right where we must turn to Him for whatever we need.

It is uncomfortable and sometimes the fear of not knowing is also a tool to keep us and those we love in the prison of sinful choices stacked up over lengthy practice of living by flesh rather than obeying the Word.

We live in a time when many who love the Lord are still unlearned and ignorant having trusted others rather than letting the Lord teach us as we go to the Word daily and ask HIM for instruction and wisdom. WE are still HIS as believers and we may at any time begin again and again…that is the wonder and greatness of His love for us .

As long as we breathe it is available to change our legacy for eternity and for anyone we may touch in our walk.

The ‘journey of the walk” is not in Gnosticism or mysticism but in our eyes and ears turned to Jesus Christ through allowing His Word to dwell in us richly.

Better to speak the WORD to those who are in our path ..even if we are feeble…the WORD itself , is the ‘sword of truth’ we just need to KNOW it ..and have it ready to speak …in season or out of season…when it is popular or not …we are to obey God rather than men…that includes obeying the WORD and denying our own fleshly ideas.

Confronting sin is what the Holy Spirit does in revealing to us what sin is …and how deadly it is .

If we really want to love others with the kind of LOVE GOD has defined in His WORD the kindest , gentlest thing we can do is open the WORD to them to expose the way their wrong thinking has led them to obey the world, the flesh and the devil .

It is through the lust of the flesh …the lust of the eyes and the pride of life that we are tripped up and often those who know not the Lord or His Word are deceived that feelings and emotions are a ‘need’ to be filled.

Apart from food, raiment, shelter …water and air …we have nothing that is “NEEDED” for this life ..the greatest NEED is for salvation and wisdom through Jesus Christ .

The world presses in and encourages lust …discontent with what is really needed and a drive to gain what they cannot keep.

“No man is a fool to give up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose…”

A statement I think made by a missionary for the sake of Christ who lost his earthly life ministering to those who were sitting in darkness.

We have all been given the ministry of reconciling men back to God and we have been provided with the WORD of reconciliation…with which to offer it!

2Co 5:18 And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;
2Co 5:19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.

Do not be discouraged if your husband does not seem to respond at first in the ways that you hope for …but prayer and leaning not unto your own understanding …acknowledging that GOD is at work as you continue to be faithful to HIM daily …will bring about sooner or later the victory of the Lord in your own life …and your growing strength built by HIS faith from His Word in you obeyed …will bring about the peaceable fruit of righteousness.

Heb 12:11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby

It is not YOUR fault if your husband resists the truth but you will have done what God has commanded YOU to do ..and in this you will have done what you COULD do .


Where October 25, 2015 at 1:00 pm

I cheated on my husband. I have been through major things by his hand but it does not even remotely give me the right to do what I did. No matter what, he didn’t deserve it. I feel horrible & honestly I feel im a whore. I did it to pay him back, to hurt him, to leave him. I didn’t try to acknowledge God even though I knew He was there. I wasn’t ready to do that but God has said it loud & clear & I confessed. Please pray for my husband& my kids. I really hope hr hears what the Lord wants because honestly, I don’t know if we should be married. We just hurt eachother. I went 11 yrs before I finally struck but it makes me feel like I murdered someone. I destroyed God husband kids in selfish acts. Thabk you for this site.


Robert October 26, 2015 at 7:30 am

First of all, let me say that we have all sinned (Romans 3:23), so you are not alone. Second, I would like to encourage you with the promise that Jesus has paid for our sins and God is a forgiving God. Our responsibility is to repent of our sin and dedicate our lives to Him.

It is good that you realize that, even though your husband may have done terrible things (sins), those things did not give you the right to sin yourself. My advice would be for you to confess your sins to God and repent of them (I pray you are not continuing in your affair). Your life will not be what it was meant to be unless, and until, you determine to live for God above all else.

You seem to know that you have sinned and are sincerely sorry for it. Take care of your relationship with God; get back to following Him. It sounds like it’s time to actively address what’s wrong in your marriage. Have you spoken to your husband about all this? However, there remains the issue of what your husband has done (is doing) to you. It sounds like you’ve had problems in your marriage for some time. Have you sought marital counseling? Spoken to a pastor? Marriages don’t just happen; they require work, prayer, commitment. Have you both given your marriage to God?

I will be praying for you, as I’m sure others will also. Trust God and live for Him. Jesus promises us that, if we live for Him, He will never leave nor forsake us.

Yours in Christ,


kanwal khurram April 16, 2016 at 5:04 pm

I’m much interested to do study about adultery because this is my wish that I can spread the word of God about this sin. Thank you so much for this wonderful teaching. I’m so blessed reading this. Nobody preach in detail on this sin here in our churches as I belong to Asian country. I’m married from 3 years and have a baby girl. My husband has an affair with a muslim woman and he wants to divorce me and marry her, I’m totally wreck. Please pray for me that God will fulfill his word in my life and nobody can separated us. Really need your prayers.


Liz July 31, 2016 at 2:19 pm

Repectfully divorce and remarriage is also a state of adultery , Jesus took away Moses’s permit to divorce and remarry . Unlike the sexual transgression that we all know as adultery , the new Adultery is an ongoing state whether you are sleeping around or not as long as the covenant is broken with the wife of the youth.
What God has joined together let no one put asunder.


donovan bellingham September 1, 2016 at 9:58 pm

My wife had many affairs and was heading for destruction. While she was apart from me and our children she found the Lord. Our family now dedicates much of our time to learning more about Jesus and God.
It has not been an easy route and I can honestly say that the evil one tries to destroy the healing process as much as possible but I have seen Gods work in our family and there is hope. Trying to trust the Lord with all my heart and to not seek revenge is difficult but I know it’s the only way.
I believe in marriage and I know certain circumstances allow for divorce but I know if God could help us then there is not much he can’t do as there was no light at the end of our tunnel. I find some comfort in reading posts from the Lords followers and I will pray for strength for everyone and I hope you can do the same for me.
The Lord knows the best outcome to all our scenarios, we just have to let Him guide our way.
God bless all of you


Jadine June 11, 2019 at 10:28 pm

My husband had an affair with a married woman. He confessed and wanted to work things out. We did but the woman kept bothering him and she won out. He divorced me. I am struggling since he is born again or he said he was but I don’t think he is. He said he doesn’t hear from God any longer. However, this experience was so profound, free will makes it ok for him. God gave us free will.

Is he crazy? Did I miss something?


Jetli July 10, 2019 at 11:27 pm

As far as I understand the above explanation, the adultery is forgiven if we repent … so what I assume is I can continue adultery till my last hour and probably a few hour before my last breadth I can repent for forgiveness…
If this is the case, what then this bible verse mean.. Heb 10:26…..


Jack Wellman July 11, 2019 at 10:42 am

You are so wrong Jetli. Those who practice such things, meaning continuing in them (Gal 3, 1 Cor 6) will NOT inherit the kingdom. Since grace abounds, should sin abound too? NO! Paul says no. You are presuming on God’s grace and that is sin. Please don’t continue in this adultery. NO one who does such things without stopping will be in the kingdom, so says Scripture.


Jack Wellman April 28, 2014 at 8:40 pm

Kris, you have so much to add and this shows that the more than 100 “one anothers” proves that we do need one another in the Body and we are incomplete without women of faith like you. I think it was A.W. Tozier who once said that “God cannot use a man greatly until He first wounds him deeply” and it is of course the same with women so I will put it this way: “God cannot use a woman greatly until He first wounds her deeply” and so you see, even a tree grows most rapidly during times of storms and also the natural pruning of dead branches are broken off during fierce winds. See the principle? Love you so much Kris. Can’t wait to see you in the Kingdom and I covet such women in the church where I am the under-shepherd to the Great Shepherd.


Kris April 28, 2014 at 10:00 pm

Thanks Jack for your kind words….If husband’s only knew how important a few appreciative and definitive words had upon their wives…

I am dealing with the way this has gone on long after some counsellors and marriage therapists say it takes for people to recover from adultery….but then those statistics are based upon some very different situations and deal with people who have a moral compass yet in tact.

One thing I know from looking back over [to try to discover how I did not see this coming ] was that my husband’s idea of giving was always set to make sure EVERYONE had the SAME attention …Whether it was giving everyone at work the same kind of affection and attention …or gift giving .

On one hand this seems like a nice way to make sure no one is ‘left out’ or treated unequally …but since God distinguished ‘jurisdictions’ and made clear boundaries for relationships …and marriage in particular …the point of view that everyone is ‘entitled’ to ‘fairness’ in terms of no one being special ….has been one of the destructive views playing out in our culture …be it the effort to destroy national soveriegnty , marriage , gender …all of the god defined boundaries have been attacked with ideologies that people have bought into and soon some of the sexual boundaries that have kept perversions at bay in the realm of child preditors will have reached beyond anything we have seen yet…and further.

This began with the lack of respect toward GOD and HIS Word that we have seen slide into a pit of disregard for anyone of any kind of godliy moral standards. This is not about being ‘self righteous’ or ‘selfish’ or even greedy! It is about what is right in terms of personal space and personal responsibility to keep one’s WORD …first to GOD and then to those in the realm of one’s accepted jurisdiction.

The social engineers have tried to make everyone responsible for the state of everyone else! Humanism and socialism endorse stealing in the name of what God called charity and loving kindness.

Caring for others loses some of it’s fruitfulness when it is forced upon us.

AND might I say that in my own desire to not see the children of the OW suffer from the choices of their mother and my husband I agreed to continue support for THEM. We agreed upon an amount based upon the knowledge of what they needed and my husband’s salary.

Since that time he has gone beyond this without any consultation with me, I am still trying to help us out of the financial hole his generosity to this woman and her whims and desires from anything from Botox to fancy underwear….[surprise ! not].

I am not about to deny the children what they need but we had an agreement ..and my husband has gone beyond it with sneaking and lying again.

I guess it is stupid to think that after all these years that he would change his tactics.. One reason I think he left here instead of staying to work through these things is that he could not look me in the eye and continue to get to do whatever he wanted to do …he STILL cannot look me in the eye.

He does all of this in front of our daughters and thinks they should not be included in knowing what he is up to …They are adults and they too are effected by him and why should he get to lie to them and ask me to cover his tracks!

I am a bit upset this evening as I have just discovered some evidence of something he has been doing with the finances…He has always been the one to handle all of those kinds of things because that is his strong suit . My way is to make do with whatever I am given and I am not good with numbers..certainly not in the way my husband has been in his career.

He has taken advantage of me and my good will toward him…His secret keeping has allowed him to try to deceive our daughters so he can maintain a ‘relationship” with them at his own convenience…thus …he gets to feel like he is a ‘good father’ and not a ‘deadbeat dad’ when all the time he spends is the fragment of his time at the end of his busy schedule….They are not stupid.

This brings up the issue of blended families that result from divorce..it forces children ..even adult ones to try to keep relationship with parents and thus the parents desire to see everyone ‘accept’ …aka compromise god’s ordained way people are to live in marriage and family .

This was one of the things that my husband said convinced him that he COULD have children by his adulteress and everyone would be “OK” after the initial shock ‘wore off’ if ever discovered!

The society that he seems to think he lives in is where everyone is OK even those of the blended families…since he knows kids coming from them and they appear to be fine!

So the deception goes on into more generations. Compromise on God’s word is NEVER ‘OK” no matter how many people think so or how much the surface of the society may claim it …People who demand compromise especially from the most vulnerable will give an account for the damage done to the lives of those they were entrusted to train up in the ways of God …

So …society does not need MORE MONEY but MORE godly parents and less intrusion and meddling of those not part of the marriage and not part of the jurisdiction of those in it .

My rant…I just HATE being LIED to and STOLEN from by one who thinks he is so slick and won’t get caught….but sin will find you out buster..I pray that it works to turn you around …but so far none of the disasters have had that effect upon my husband….He whistles in the dark and does not like to look back …but neither will he OWN and properly seek to deal with the pain he causes people …and wants us all to just ‘get along’ ….this is not , from what I have been able to find out ..how people heal …in order to go forward in doing what is right according to the Designer of marriage and life.

Speaking the WORDS of Jesus is not being ‘self righteous’ ….being self righteous is doing whatever you feel like and making your own definition of righteousness …or as the OT says ..calling what is good ‘evil” and what is evil ‘good’

God has had mercy and it DOES endure forever yet those who continue to willfully reject His Word …have a lot to tremble about …and also do not enjoy the blessings of GOD here in this age .

And he wonders why he is so miserable!


Kris September 5, 2014 at 2:26 pm

Jack thank you for your encouragement. Women have been lied to as well as men and especially in these last days. All the more we yearn for Him to come for us but in the meantime our opportunities to learn …even from our wounds which are often simply from not having had the training up and the loving guidance of someone who also had known truth.

Never the less it is our priviledge to still be able to turn to the Lord and learn of and from Him as we delves into His Word which Jesus said is “spirit and it is life’ !

It is the ‘blood’ life of our souls and how we need to take this time on earth to seek Him and seek in His word personally for the way it speaks to us and to evaluate all that is said in His name ..as well as the assumptions of all around us.

I grieve for this woman since she was drawn into a relationship with a man who most likely did not know how to make his marriage satisfactory or perhaps did not know how to decide who to marry in the first place.

The usual comments among those who cheat is ‘the heart wants what it wants’ …but they do not know that the ‘heart is deceitful above all things and desparately wicked’ and that in departing from the Lord they are not equipped to make ‘righteous judgments’ about anything .

Judge we must as the Word tells us ‘Judge not by appearance but judge righteous judgment ‘ and that Word of GOd is god breathed and enables us ..equips us with a heart cleansed by His righteousness and instructed …our minds then given the ‘soft ware’ to determine by HIS standard what is ‘good’ and what is not ….

I once heard a man say he would not hire a man to work for him who would commit adultery because it involves so many sins…lying , stealing ..it is simply not wise …and if a man would cheat on his wife he could not be entrusted with anything of value …he would not be trustworthy with any responsibility.

Marriage to someone who has been willing to put the woman he once could not live without through this kind of thing makes one wonder how he would be able to consider the children and his life choices effects upon them.

My husband apparently felt he could and was entitled to choose what made him happy at the expense of anyone and everyone…and women who are clueless and vulnerable thinking that a man’s attention…any man’s attention makes them ‘special ‘ is deceived ….neither are thinking lovingly about anyone …not even each other.

I hope this young woman will rethink her ‘choice’ to get involved with am man who disregarded protecting her from getting emotionally involved …if he was so needy to do that …maybe the day will arrive when he can’t handle the challenges of the marriage she dreams would be hers to him later on.

Men are also sorrowfully lacking in examples and training in these godly blessings….today’s media has worked skillfully to draw people by what they see and feel into a stupor ..and seeking ;’thrills’ has become the ‘purpose’ of life for many …no wonder there are so many who are depressed or commit suicide…they “know not what spirit they are of”

The present day apostate church has also a lot to answer for and yet EACH person is responsible to seek GOD and to be taught OF HIM.

May these find their way soon …for the day is shortly drawing to a close….Come quickly Lord Jesus !


Jack Wellman September 5, 2014 at 2:35 pm

I believe that many churches are dropping the ball on preparing young men ane women for marriage. Pre-martial counseling more that doubles the chances of there not being a divorce…said another way, divorce is 2 times more likely without any counseling yet most still choose not to do this. Committment is missing in marriages these days. I do agree with the man who wouldn’t hire someone that committs adultery becasue that shows that he has no moral conscience and if he cheats in his marriage, what prevents him from doing it in business. I see that “feelings” are more often the guage on which decisions are made and not the “oughtness” of what God says. I am glad that Jesus didn’t depend upon feelings before heading to the cross. Thanks Kris…you’re so precious and special to me. I thank God for you. There is always so much godly wisdom in what you write.


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