True Love: How Do You Know When You Find It?

by Jack Wellman · Print Print · Email Email

How do you know it is true love when you find it?  How can you be sure it is true love or just infatuation?  What are the differences between lust and love?

True Love

It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.

The World’s Definition of Love

Most people use the word love loosely.  They love their team…they love to win…the love the spring, but this is not really the essence of love.  The dictionaries definition of love is a tender affection for someone or something; a romantic or sexual feeling for someone; to like something or someone very much.  None of these definitions will help someone who is looking for true love that would lead to marriage.  Love is not just a noun, it is a verb; it’s what you do that is truly love.  For example, Christ loves the church. Did He just have affection or feelings for them?  No!  He loved the church so much that He took action.  He died for those who would come to Him in trusting faith.  For any that come to Him and place their trust in Him, His blood was spilled so that they could have an eternal relationship with Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Jesus’ love was so powerful that He willingly gave His life for those who belong to Him.

Lust on the other hand is something that is more like coveting or gratifying the flesh. There is no good thing that has ever come out of lust between an unmarried couple.  Premarital sex is forbidden by God and any sexual contact between a man and a woman can quickly lead to sexual immorality.  Jesus said that even lusting after a man or woman in their heart is the same thing as committing adultery (Matt 5:28).  A couple that lives together for the sake of “getting to know them better“ faces higher risks of adultery and the rates of divorce are much higher than those who do not.  Living together is sin according to the Bible.  There are no reasons good enough to cohabitate with another person for the sake of knowing if they would make a good husband or wife.

How do you Know When You Find True Love?

If you are someone who is looking for true love, there are many things to take into consideration.  If you are a believer, the Bible says that we must not be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14).  This means that Christians are commanded to not marry someone who is not a believer.  You can not have a mixed marriage.  An believer can not be married to an unbeliever any more than you can mix oil with water.  The two might fit into a jar, but they will not mix and will always tend to separate because of their spiritual nature.  In the case of non-believers and Christians, they  may agree on some things but will disagree on many of the most important issues.

When you find your soul mate or “the one”, you may not recognize them right away.  They will not always be able to finish your sentences or know what you are thinking.  They likely will know how you feel about having children, what you believe about disciplining children, whether you want to live in the city or the country, or whether you like football or ballet.  It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.  It is not impossible but it is truly a rare thing for someone to love a person at first sight.  It is hard to look into the heart and know what they are like.  The only way you can really know what type of person they are is to spend time with them.  This means spending times that are good and times that are bad; times of good health and times of sickness; times of enduring patience and times of outbursts of anger.  One counselor told me that if you want to know how a man or woman will treat you after you are married, look how they treat their parents.

As a father of a daughter, I treat her with unconditional love, I am polite to her, I open doors for her, I love her despite her faults or behaviors and I buy her things that I know that she will like.  I try to never hurt her but I am not perfect of course.  I have made many mistakes and will make more in the future but I am eager to utter perhaps the five most important words anyone can say to their children or their spouse: “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” I want to set the bar at a level where she will not be satisfied with any man treating her in a lesser way than the way that her father did.  In my doing this, I am showing her reasonable expectations that a man should be showing her, in being considerate of her feelings, and in being quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  I want her future husband to be able to apologize and to admit mistakes.  That is a human love that I pray and desire for my only daughter.

The Bible’s View of True Love

Nearly everyone at one time or another has sought love.  A desire to love and to be loved.  Humans are born with the need for love and several studies suggest that even babies that are denied love will die without it.  A spouse who loses their long-loved mate will often die within years of the death of their husband or wife.  A biblical definition of love is valued above that of a human definition because the Word of God is true and never varies with the culture and times.  God’s love remains unchanging over eternity and is not conditioned upon a person’s conduct or behavior.

When I was dating my wife before marriage, we became best friends.  I think this is vital.  Friends confide in each other, they share things with each other that they do not share with others; they know that they can trust this person even when they discover the worst things about them.  Your best friend is someone you can share your joys, your sorrows, your victories, and your defeats with.  In my opinion and from my own personal experience, unless a couple becomes best friends first, they can not become a successful husband and wife.  A friend knows your weaknesses, they know your strengths, they know your faults…yet, they still love you.  You can marry someone you are not best friends with or with someone you don’t know well, but you can not expect the marriage to be the best. Surely even godly marriages have problems and in fact every marriage on the face of the earth go through difficulties, but marrying someone you do not know well is asking for trouble. Jesus knows our hearts, He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows our weaknesses and our strengths, and He is prepared to marry us – collectively – the church, which is called His bride.

Christ’s Love for the Church

Christ loved the church (His Bride) so much that He died for her.  He is engaged to the church and she is called the Bride of Christ.  He gave His life for His bride. There has been no greater love that has ever existed than Jesus has for His church – and some day soon He will marry her at the marriage supper feast, when Christ marries His bride.  The Bride is to prepare herself today and make herself ready.  Jesus said that He is coming again and will forever be with His church and will never divorce her like God was forced to do with Old Testament Israel because of their infidelity.

God commands the wife to love her husband but even more important is for her to respect her husband.  A wife is to be loved by her husband with a life-sacrificing love that is an image of how Christ loves the church.  By no means will it be that type of perfected love, but that is what she needs most.  He needs respect the most.  To her, being loved is of the utmost importance…for him, she shows him love by respecting him (Eph 5).  These are the ways that men and women are wired by God.  God has made them male and female in such a particular way. Even though they have differences, the opposite tendencies make them complete and as one.  Marriage is a miracle in some sense because men and women are so radically different.  This may be what attracts one to the other.  Each have particular abilities and strengths that make a wholeness in a marital unit that a single man or woman alone can never have.

Time Will Tell

The advice that I have heard frequently is that to really know a man or woman well enough to marry they should have a period of engagement:  No longer than 12 months but no shorter than 3 is what most Christian marriage counselors suggest.  Prayer is the most critical step.  It should be obvious that pre-marital counseling is also crucial. You will have a feeling of peace over an extended period of time about someone you are planning to marry or are thinking about marrying. You will have known them long enough to see them at their worst and to see them at their best.  You will have seen how they react to certain situations and to see what type of spouse they would be in a marriage.  You may have seen them around children and can gather what type of parent they would be and perhaps how they would react under pressure.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that you need to talk to a godly marriage counselor or pastor, go through some personal inventory questions over personality issues, establish whether you desire to have children or would rather not and what type of security there is in each others present situations in life.  One article alone is not enough to guide you through such an important and lifelong decision.  After you have went through all the things that I just mentioned, you will begin to have an inner peace, an eager expectation to be with them as much as possible and a feeling of being completely miserable when you are not together.  No one should ever marry someone to complete their life or think that this will solve their problems.  Also, never marry someone who has a substance or alcohol abuse problem and think that they can cure them of it.

I believe you will know the right one by the way he or she treats his or her mother and father, how he or she acts around children, what his or her mannerisms are like in public, what movies he or she likes and doesn’t like. These will show you a lot about them.  Even more important, does he or she pray with you if you go out to dinner in public, does he or she read the Bible frequently, does he or she know the Bible, what is his or her language like, does he or she attend church?  Maybe some or all of these will help you find your true love.

The first marriage ceremony was performed by God.  In my opinion, my wife was sent by God’s sovereignty.  She is like a precious gift from God to me.  Marriage is an institution designed and created by God.  It is not good for man or woman to be alone but be cautious because God hates divorce (Mal 2:16).  I believe it is God who joins the husband and wife together…and when God has joined them together, the two become one flesh (Gen. 2:24, Mark 10:8) .  There is no more special relationship in the human race than that of husband and wife.  This takes time, effort, prayer, counseling and education, but when you find it there is nothing greater on this earth than finding true love and doing so in the way God intended for you to do it.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like reading this one also:

1 Corinthians 13: Bible Summary and Study on Love


New International Bible (NIV)
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Michael July 7, 2016 at 8:33 pm

Thank you sir, I am divorced. My wife suffered brain damage as a result of the birth of our only child, our son. She lives thousands of miles away. The divorce took 5 years and I had tried to save our marriage for 3 years prior. She was a danger to the child and to herself after developing a condition similar to epilepsy. I pray for her and have had to adjust without her. I have lived solo for so many years without ever wanting to remarry or have a woman in my life, until I met this woman who is in a similar situation.

The problem is my heart was so hurt from the past that I don’t know how it will hold up in this matter. I truly love this woman thinking she is the one, yet I also want to run away and not be expose to any prospect of heart pain.

I could deal with this easily if my heart was stronger. I am in good health otherwise.


Jack Wellman July 8, 2016 at 8:00 am

I will pray for your situation sir. Maybe this is God telling you to think about what you are doing…I only pray you live in God’s will, as I must too sir. May God bless you in whatever you choose to do sir. Thank you.


Michael July 8, 2016 at 3:32 pm

Thank you so much and I believe you are right when you suggest that this could be God telling me to think about what I am doing. In fact, when I first started seeing this woman, after parting with her one time, I was outside away from her when I felt a sudden jolt turning me half-way around. I looked about and saw nothing, but I clearly heard or felt the words “Are you sure?”. The message was particularly strong.

I have thought about it quite a lot and knowing full well that God hates divorce, I could not come to grips with what or why this was happening. It dawned on me that this is not just me and her, it’s also about our boys.

In her case, her divorce was caused by a terribly abusive spouse. She lived with it for 19 years. She was young when she married and very naive. She was also unaware of scriptural teachings and wisdom that you have presented so well in this blog. She’s very intelligent and spiritual, very very calm and wise. But when she was young she was seeking to escape a very dysfunctional family and fell into the arms of this very abusive person.

It’s so wonderful to see people married and walking in the light together. My own God-Parents from Church were married more than 70 years and passed away in 2011 within 6 months of each other. To have someone to cherish for such a lifetime is truly a great and wonderful blessing.

For those of us who have stumbled, who have violated Christ’s admonition concerning divorce, I believe God is merciful, not in every case but in some instances he will afford people another chance but only if they can answer convincingly the question “Are you sure?”.


The Honest True Answer October 13, 2016 at 2:42 pm

Today unfortunately is a completely different time we now live in which in the Past it Definitely was so much more Easier finding Real Love the way our family members did. Quite a change since the Good old days.


wayne surls December 1, 2016 at 5:39 am

Love is not a feeling, but rather something you do. Passion is the driving force of love. Love is when you put the needs and wants of another person before your own wants and needs. Love is measured by how much you are willing to sacrifice.


Aryanna February 16, 2017 at 4:56 am

It is less likely in these times to meet godly potential spouses. The world is becoming more and more secular. I’m past 30 and have yet to be interested in any believer of the opposite sex, let alone suitable in spiritual compatability. Any attraction so far turns out to be a dead end (unbeliever). I’ve experienced enough to know its not possible to grow spiritual while dating unbelievers, because they either get offended by the part of you that loves God or you choose to sacrifice your spiritual self in order to get along with unbelievers. In both situation the Christian have the bad deal.

Often times I’d wonder whether I’m called to celibacy or not. Other times, I recall old testament stories that God brings a spouse (& children) even when their situation seem so bleak. If God brings a spouse when we are ready to handle it, then what can we do to make ourselves ready sooner?


Jack Wellman February 17, 2017 at 10:00 am

Great question Aryanna but as we both know, only God knows the answer to this. I believe until we are happy with ourselves we can’t be happy with another person. If they are offended by your love for God, it is better that you don’t end up with them. For what it’s worth, my prayers are for you my friend.


The Honest True Answer Again February 19, 2017 at 7:47 am

Well unfortunately we live in such a very completely different time since this isn’t the 50’s and 60’s anymore since the women have really changed since then that are making it very difficult for many of us good men that are very seriously looking. Since most of the good old fashioned women are now taken that would explain it as well since there are many of us good old fashioned men that are still available.


Christopher July 2, 2017 at 11:05 am

Father I love one girl and she too. Bt my parents are not interested in her at all. She loves me unconditionally. I can’t cheat her and I also don’t want to hurt my parents. All are against about our relationship.


Monique July 8, 2017 at 12:12 am

A friend of mine once said “Love is a decision “….its not some force driving you to misbehave. If God is love. ..then love can never be a reason why you would do wrong. I am in my mid thirties and still hoping and waiting. At times I wonder if I haven’t prayed enough or if there’s something I’m not doing right. I want to be happy always and I currently pursue that. I however often wonder why the wrong people (married men and unbelievers) are the ones coming my way. I love God but I’m getting tired of waiting. I have considered having a child out of wedlock….but never acted on it. God answers my other prayers but just leaves out the marriage part….I wonder why…


Jack Wellman July 8, 2017 at 8:44 am

Hello Monique. I can’t answer the reason why but perhaps you can ask for prayer from your church or begin a singles study group there or volunteer for some of your churches activities like visiting nursing homes or volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. If you seek the kingdom first, God promises to meet every need (Matt 6:33) so please call your pastor and tell him and ask your church to pray for you as we are commanded to do (James 5:14) as we need one another (Heb 10:24-25) and seek to do what Jesus commands us to do (Matt 25:34-39) as we do it to Him (Matt 25:40) or we do nothing for Him (Matt 25:41- and that’s not good (Matt 7:21-23).


s August 12, 2017 at 7:58 am

Women deserve respect just as much as men do. period. If you love a women that means you must also respect her. They cannot be separated.


Jack Wellman August 12, 2017 at 10:36 am

So true and the same thing should be said of men. To love men is to show them respect.


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