What Does the Bible Teach About Divorce and Remarriage?

by Jack Wellman · Print Print · Email Email

Does the Bible address the issue of divorce?  What does it say about marrying after divorce….and is it adultery if you do?  Are there exceptions to being able to remarry after a divorce?

Does the Bible Address the Issue of Divorce? 

God performed the first marriage ceremony between Adam and Eve, therefore we can say with assurance that God loves marriage and that it is a divine institution (Gen. 2:18-24).  God also hates divorce and says so many times in the scriptures (Malachi 2:16).  Jesus said the only reason that divorce was permitted was because of the hardness of human’s hearts but this was not done in the beginning (Matt. 19:8).  If a husband’s or wife’s mate leave them, then they can not be held responsible for the marriage and some believe that Paul says that they are not bound by the law (I Cor. 7:15) because he uses the same Greek word for “bound” when referring to a spouse being bound to their mate.

Clearly, God reveals throughout the Bible that He hates divorce and that husband and wife were intended to marry for life.  Separation is permissible where spousal abuse occurs or where children are endangered by one of the parties because the higher moral law is to protect children and, in most cases, women from abusive husbands and fathers.  It should be noted that some men had to separate from their wives because of spousal abuse too.  What the Bible teaches is that divorce is the high exception to the rule and it should always be the very last resort in any marriage and reconciliation and restoration of a good marital relationship should always be the highest purpose for those who are separated.  God hates divorce because of what it does to the family which is society’s support system.  Divorce is also very harmful to children in almost every case, again with the exception of where abuse is occurring.  Where ongoing, unrepentant adultery is occurring, divorce is allowed as Jesus taught.

What Does The Bible Say About Marrying After Divorce….and is it Adultery If You Do?

Generally speaking the Bible teaches that it is unlawful to marry again after a divorce.  Even if a single person who marries a divorced person, it is called adultery (Duet.24:4).   Divorcing someone is not considered adultery but Jesus did say in Matthew 5:32 that “… anyone who divorces his wife [or husband I would add], except for sexual immorality, makes her [or him] the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman [or man] commits adultery.”  But then again, even looking at another person with lust in their hearts is also considered adultery (Matt 5:28).  However it is important to remember that it may be the best course of action where the unfaithful spouse refused to repent of their adulterous affair.  Each case must be looked at in particular and not all divorces and remarriages can be considered in the same way since circumstances may be different.

If you remarry after your spouse was unfaithful, this is an extenuating circumstance and God would not condemn anyone for this.  Paul would says that for the unmarried it is better not to marry and to the widows and unmarried, he thinks it best not to remarry but not everyone can handle being single because if they are continually tempted sexually, then its better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Cor. 7:8-9).  Others were married and divorced before they became a Christian and after being born-again and so since they remarried before becoming a Christian, there is nothing that they can do about that and God does not condemn such people.  Besides, there are no sins that are not covered by the blood of Christ upon professing Him as Lord and Savior.  Christians who know other people that are not saved or other Christians who have been divorced and remarried should be forgiving and not judgmental.  They may not know all of the circumstances but even if it was not permitted, every one of us have sinned and will continue to sin until the day our Lord comes for us.  God hates divorce but He still loves divorced people.

Fornication is not the same thing as adultery. Fornication is having sexual relationships between unmarried people but fornication is still strictly forbidden by God.  Sexual abstinence is commanded before marriage, but after marriage, God wants the husband and wife to enjoy sex because that is the primary reason that He created it.

Are There Exceptions to Being Able to Remarry After a Divorce?

Some of the exceptions have already been mentioned.   An important point is that even if you become a Christian and are married to a non-believer, you have no excuse to divorce them.  The Bible does not teach such a thing and if the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain married to the believer, then by all means they should stay married and clearly, no divorce is permitted.  In fact, many unbelieving spouses have been brought to Christ through the loving example of Christ in the believing spouse’s life (1 Cor. 7:12-14). God may have placed you with the unbelieving spouse expressly for the purpose of helping them come to Christ in faith.  In this case, divorcing from them might have proven tragic.  Certainly, no believer should ever marry an unbeliever because that is to be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14).

God does allow for remarriage too in the case of a spouse’s death but that the person you are marrying must be a Christian (1 Cor. 7:39).  Paul would suggest that they would be of better service to God if they remained single, as he was, but some people who have greater sexual drives may not be able to handle this (1 Cor. 7:32-36).  Paul’s greatest teachings about marriage, remarriage, and divorce are covered in 1 Corinthians chapter seven.  He says that whatever state you were in when you became a believer is the most desirable state to remain in (1 Cor. 7:17-24).  Marriage is an honorable thing before God.  It is a gift of God.  We should esteem it very highly and as a divine institution.

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What is Speaking in Tongues?

What Are the Gifts of the Spirit?

Do Animals or Pets Go To Heaven?


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{ 107 comments… read them below or add one }

confused August 19, 2013 at 2:14 pm

Hello, Before I became a Christian I was also married to a non believer. After affairs and a divorce I remarried another unbeliever. Two years into our marriage we became born again Christians. Because of our past we have had many arguments and disagreements and have even considered divorce. My parents who are strong Christians are urging me to divorce and after delving into the Bible I am seeing mixed advice and commands. Because of my divorce and remarriage I am going to hell but in Corinthians 7 it say after I become a believer I am to stay where I am at when God called me. I known God forgives but is also strong on us following his laws. If I divorce now won’t that be a sin as well. Now I just feel even more trapped and confused when I hear people say false preachers will decisive me into thinking I am not living in sin. Any advise or verses I can read to help me search my heart and become closer to God and properly follow his laws. Thank you.


Jack Wellman August 19, 2013 at 7:13 pm

Hello “Confused.” Even though I respect your parents opinion and more so since you say they are strong Christians, I disagree with them. To divorce again would not solve the problem and we can not unscramble an egg as a good friend and retired pastor brother of mine has said.

By the way, we are all deserving of hell and if God kept a record of our sins, who among us could stand? Not one of us could is the answer. God is a forgiving God and just see what I mean by reading and trusting God and taking Him at His Word, as He can not lie:

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

2 Cor 5:21 “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

To divorce now, particularly since you are both Christian, is sin for sure. Please stay where you are now for we are to remain in whatever state we are in and after you were born again, you must know that God hates divorce and to divorce again is like trying to make two wrongs make it right. But it won’t. Don’t listen to your parents. They may be strong Christians but they are not pastors with seminary training or they are not Bible scholars. Believe what is written in the Word. When a couple marries, the first marriage ceremony says that “a man shall LEAVE his mother and father and the two shall become one (family). He is to leave his family and cleave to his wife. You are not trapped. You are free and forgiven. Claim it and don’t let parents interfere in your marriage. Shut that do to advice but not to the relationship.

When you left your parents family, you have made a new one that GOD joined together and let no man, including parents, split asunder(or apart).


confused August 20, 2013 at 12:54 pm

Thank you Mr. Wellman for your advice, this has been heavy on my heart. My husband and I do love each other and are committed to God and hit a rough spot in our marriage. When I confided in my Mother I was completely taken aback by her advice to divorce. On my own ignorance I was not aware that the actually remarriage was considered continuous living in sin. I took comfort in Corinthians 7 praying that God truly wanted me to stay in this marriage because it was through my husbands influence that brought me to God and to get baptized. I felt sick thinking of how breaking up my family and raising my daughters alone would be wrong but also not obeying God just as wrong. Thank you for the clarity, if anything this ordeal has made me reopen my eyes as to what a Christian is and how to properly walk as a Christian. Thank you for your wisdom and time writing me. Sincerely Mary


Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 2:02 pm

I thank God for women of faith such as you who went thru Job-like trials yet remained faithful to our Redeemer. I know that your rewards in heaven will be great and your children will be blessed and in fact, I am sure, are already blessed by having such a godly mother as you.


answers August 20, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Ok I do not have a situation just a question…Is it forgivable? Is getting a divorce and getting remarried forgivable? Is divorce forgivable? Again I do not have a situation just the questions…Really… Thank you


Jack Wellman August 20, 2013 at 2:44 pm

The only unforgiveable sin is not trusting in Christ as your Lord and Savior. Getting a divorce and then remarrying is difficult because each circumstance is different. For example, if a spouse commits ongoing, unrepentant adultery, they you are permitted a divorce according to the Bible. Divorce and remarriage is not the unpardonable or unforgiveable sin but we do know God hates divorce but it is allowed under circumstances…and unless I know more, I can not answer your question about remarriage…for example, if your spouse died, then you are permitted to divorce. Please click on Contact Us and send your question or more on your specific situation so that it can be handled privately if you wish and not done so openly. All responses or contacts to us are kept in strict confidence and your email will not be shared nor the reply with any other party.

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Jane October 13, 2013 at 4:17 pm


I wonder if you could clarify something for me? Is “marital unfaithfulness” confined to one party of a marriage entering into a relationship with someone outside the marriage? I have no desire to ‘twist’ the Lord’s word to meet my requirements; I don’t consider that appropriate and rather His will be done, not my own. But I’m trying to get my head around my current situation.

I divorced due to an abusive marriage eight years ago. I have two children who were also subject to the abuse from their father, with whom we no longer have any contact (as per Court Orders). I met a man a little over three years ago and we started a physical relationship together. However, one year into our relationship, I had a calling to come and know the Lord. I had to take the step of telling my mate that I had to stop being intimate with him and I was later baptised.

We are still together in our ‘relationship’ though we don’t live together. I have great faith in the Lord and his plan for me and I still love my mate very much. We have deep conversations about faith and he asks some great questions, but is yet to come and know/submit to the Lord.

Although my mate occasionally ‘hints’ at marriage, I don’t think either of us are there yet. In the meantime, it has been suggested to me that God would frown upon my continued relationship (deep friendship) with this man. It has also been suggested that I’m setting a bad example to my children.

I’m trying to take this all back to scripture so that I may live by God’s word and be a faithful Christian, but I’m going round in circles and don’t have any real clarity.

When I first became a Christian, but before being baptised, it was very clear to me that I needed to stop being intimate with my mate. However, I cannot hear the Lord telling me that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with my mate. Have I just got cotton wool in my ears because I don’t want to hear what the Lord really wants for me, or am I looking too much into what other people are telling me?

Please help.


Jack Wellman October 13, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Jane, thank you for your comment and question. Is this mate or friend you are dating or had an intimate relationship with a Christian? That is the first thing you should establish. Maybe these “other people” are telling you this because they may know or believe that this man is not a Christian. I do agree that intimacy outside of marriage will not go unpunished by God and so am glad you stopped that but if you are considering marriage or even dating, we must not be unequally yoked, even in dating, with non-believers so my first and most important question to you Jane is, is this man a Christian? If not, it is sin to date him, not to mention even think about marriage. For more on this please read this article at:



Jane October 14, 2013 at 4:42 pm

Unfortunately, no he’s not a Christian. Neither of us were Christian’s when we met. I pray that he will come to know the Lord Jesus, but this is not in my control and I know that it is very much for the individual to respond to the Lord’s call.

Although he has hinted that he may like to be married in the future, I know that neither of us are ready yet. For my part, I really don’t think I could marry a man who did not give his heart to Jesus. I’ve already been through the pain of divorce and would not enter into a union that did not have the Lord in the center and as the perfect mediator.

Thank you for the article. I’ve printed that off will have a good read. Hopefully this will guide me further.

Ultimately, I guess my question is whether it is okay for me to continue dating my mate in the hope that he will turn to the Lord. If I were to come away from the ‘relationship’ as it is, I fear for what I would say, how I would say it, when I love this person very much.

I have been taking the relationship to the Lord in prayer for over a year now, but don’t appear to have any answer. In part, I wonder if this is simply a matter of the ‘teacher’ being quiet during the test? It’s a huge challenge personally, when emotions blur the boundaries. I want to serve and please my God by being faithful to Him, which could mean letting go of worldly or my own desires. This is a really tough task.

Thank you again for the article and please pray that the Lord will speak to me and make His commands for me very clear.


Jane October 14, 2013 at 4:46 pm

Sadly, no he’s not a Christian. Neither of us were Christian’s when we met three years ago.

Although he has hinted that he may like to be married in the future, I know that neither of us are ready yet. For my part, I really don’t think I could marry a man who did not give his heart to Jesus. I’ve already been through the pain of divorce (albeit from an abusive relationship) and would not enter into a marriage that did not have the Lord in the center and as the perfect mediator.

Ultimately, I guess my question is whether it is okay for me to continue dating my mate in the hope that he will turn to the Lord. If I were to come away from the ‘relationship’ as it is, I fear for what I would say, how I would say it, when I actually love this person very much.

I have been taking the relationship to the Lord in prayer for over a year now, but don’t appear to have any answer. In part, I wonder if this is simply a matter of the ‘teacher’ being quiet during the test? Or have I put cotton wool in my ears because I don’t want to hear the truth? It’s a huge challenge personally, when emotions blur the boundaries. I want to serve and please my God by being faithful to Him, which could mean letting go of worldly desires. This is a really tough task.

Thank you for the article which I have printed off and will read. Please pray that the Lord will speak to me and make His commands for me very clear.


Jack Wellman October 14, 2013 at 5:17 pm

At the risk of upsetting you, the Bible is clear that you should cut off this relationship until such a time comes that this many or mate (which term I do not like since that word is reserved for married couples) that this man repents and places his trust in Christ for to be dating an unbeliever is to be living in disobedience because the Bible tells us to not be unequally yoked or joined, even in dating, with unbelievers.

We are not to have fellowship with the darkness and what fellowship does light (Christ) have with darkness (unsaved with no Holy Spirit). Perhaps in time this man will get the message and turn to Christ but even then it takes time to establish whether he is indeed a believer for the fruits prove this or whether he simply professes Christ and not possess Christ to gain you as a wife. Please be very, very careful. Did you talk to your pastor about this? He should say the same thing.


Jane October 15, 2013 at 11:24 am

I have now had the chance to read the article you provided and it speaks very clearly to me. I will be meeting with my Pastor in the coming days and will ask for guidance in this matter. Thank you for your responses to my situation. Jane


Jack Wellman October 15, 2013 at 11:31 am

Thank you Jane….I thank God for you and your passionate pursuit of striving for obedience to God and to make the best of a difficult situation. I pray for you my friend and hope God richly blesses you in this severe trial in your life.


GodForgaveMeForMyDivorce November 24, 2013 at 11:47 am

I posted my situation back in August. I was contemplating divorcing my husband of two months because he was verbally and mentally abusive and controlling. In addition, he called me a demon and would follow me around the house, and turn off and on the lights, look through the window blinds in the middle of the night, and every five minutes lay down, switch positions, get up turn off and on the lights… all night. He also would through my stuff on the floor and use holy oil to get the spirits off of it. I tried everything to get him to seek counseling for himself and then for our marriage. He was unwilling… In addition, to the craziness he told me that we weren’t married..and started to act as if he was single. He’d also leave and not come back until the next day…and much more! I decided to follow through with my divorce and although I felt convicted, and I do know divorce is a sin. It was one of the wisest decisions that I’ve done. At first was worried if God would forgive me. However, Jesus did give my heart rest. Jesus also helped me realize why we need has grace and mercy. People in church will try to condemn you for getting out of a physical and mentally abusive marriage and encourage you to stay. But I find it hard to believe if they would tell their children to stay in a marriage where their child is being abused physically or mentally, cheated on, and etc.

The truth is that all sin can be forgiven except the unpardonable sin. Just because someone is divorced doesn’t mean they are an adulterer for life. If Christ forgave murders, prostitutes, adulterer, fornicators, people who were possessed with demons in the New Testament… he can forgive people who commits the same sins now-a-days. Once someone sins and ask for forgiveness their sins are forgiven. It is up to Jesus to judge whether or not that person is sincere when repenting.

In the New Testament the Pharisees and Sadducees had a big problem with legalism. They were so strict on obeying the law, a law that even them themselves weren’t able to fulfill! Yet they put heavy burdens and yokes on people, as as a lot of Christians do now-a-days. In Matthew 23:13-36 Jesus expresses how wrong the Pharisees and Sadducees were for being obnoxiously condemning and hypocritical in regards to legalism. Jesus pointed us that they neglected to show justice, mercy and faithfulness.

EVERYONE SINS…. whether divorce, stealing, lying, cheating, not trusting God, having fear… etc

In Luke 3:1-20 John The Baptist, told the teachers of the law to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance.” Which basically means that if we are sincere when we confess are sins before God and ask for forgiveness there should be fruit (the fruit representing a change in us). This is how God knows if someone is serious when they repent (their fruit will show it). Christianity isn’t black and white, there aren’t a whole bunch of rules (aka laws) that we have to follow like the laws in the Old Testament. Jesus tells us to do two things which is to LOVE him more than anything and then LOVE our neighbors as we love ourselves. Following these two commandments doesn’t guarantee that Christians are never going to sin, yet if we follow these commandments it guarantees that when/if we do sin, we SHOULD feel convicted because we LOVE God more than anything that we would never intentionally commit the same sins over again. So then we will be bearing fruits in keeping with repentance.

I am going to sum the last paragraph up in a practical example…For example… this is just an example…Let’s say I am a Christian and I know that fornication is a sin. Therefore, I stopped fornicating and I’ve been doing well for a couple of months and some how I slipped up…..and I am sincerely sorry and I have asked God for forgiveness and I ask him to help me to be able to resist sexual urges until after marriage…and I work hard daily by praying, fasting, and reading the word of God to help me with being able to avoid temptation…(after all Jesus tell us to die to ourselves daily and the only way to die to our sins daily is to stay focused on Christ by reading the word and communicating with Christ). So, now I’ve been celibate for two years…. I have the whole celibacy down pack and now let me work on profanity…So, now I am going to stop using profanity and I might slip up or I might not but the importance of this is that I am really trying (praying, fasting, reading the word of God) to tackle my daily sin, daily…(with the help of Christ). <<<That is what John The Baptist was speaking about in Luke 3:1-20 that is bearing fruits in keeping with repentance.


JESUS LOVES YOU…..I hope my story helps others.


Matt December 4, 2013 at 4:35 pm

I disagree with your position on divorce in the case of abuse. I believe the abuser must face the legal realities of prison or restraining order but scripture does not say abuse. God may use the downfall of the abuser to do many things in the life of the abused and abusive spouse. I believe all adultery is abuse (at least emotionally) but not all abuse is adultery. The amount of growth needed to forgive and reconcile with an abusive and/or unfaithful spouse would be beyond the comprehension of anyone who has not been through those trials, but God calls us to forgive (70 X 7) and that He is faithful to complete the work he has began in us. Despite God’s faithfulness to forgive us when we repent, we often don’t feel obliged to forgive others so freely. We tend to overlook the fact that our own sin nailed Christ to the cross and our spouses sin against us pales in comparison.


GodForgaveMeForMyDivorce December 5, 2013 at 3:36 pm

The bottom line is that divorce is a sin. However, if a Christian gets a divorce whether they know that getting a divorce is a sin or not, if they repent and are sincere their sins will be forgiven.

Do you think that the only way God can change or influence an abuser is by allowing the abuser to keep abusing the one he is abusing? That’s absurd.

Jesus uses everyone differently. However, Jesus has many ways that he can influence and change a non believer or believer. I doubt the only way he can change a non believer or believer is by using his daughters of Christ to get punched in the fast by their own husbands, beaten, rapped by their own husbands, slapped, cut, disrespected verbally, cheated on, contracting disease from infidelity. Staying with someone who does these things doesn’t mean that it will change the abuser. It just makes Christian marriages look great on the outside and full of crap in the inside. Women are not called to be abused doormats.

If King David, Solomon, Hosea and Paul lived in this time…I wonder if they would be condemned by fellow Christians.

MUST WATCH VIDEO ==> http://www.highpointeaustin.org/sermons/the-dangers-of-judgmentalism-and-the-certainty-of-gods-judgment-matthew-71-5


GodForgaveMeForMyDivorce December 5, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Oh yeah…

I am not promoting divorce! By God’s grace I would never [want to] promote sin. However, I am not promoting legalism either. When I got divorced I felt a very heavy yoke from Christians who sin just like I do. People are quick to condemn and judge and are slow to show grace and mercy.

Divorcing my husband is not something I am proud of ONLY because I value my relationship with Christ. It’s something that I did and I don’t feel like I have to answer to anyone else but Christ. I have not remarried because I am fixing myself spiritually, emotionally and financially before I consider marriage. I do plan on getting married again after I get myself together.

For the singles who are reading this. Be patient dearly beloved… wait on the Lord to reveal your spouse to you. Even if it takes 10 years. Pray to God for patience and joy while waiting….and never settle for a spouse that is not God’s best. Also, get to know his/her family and most importantly make sure that your THEOLOGIES match. Don’t mistake lust for love… Don’t trade happiness for companionship..Once again make sure your theologies match.

Women marry a man that 1)love God 2)have the same theology as you 3)can take care of himself 3)kind 4)wise 5)someone who you would not mind helping get to where God wants him to be 6) someone who would not mind helping you get to where God wants you to be

Better happy and single then married and miserable.


Confused February 10, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Okay ~ my situation is quite the confusing one, but one I hope I can gain some insight…..

I am a Catholic dating a born-again Christian (twice divorced) ~ I am on my journey towards salvation. I have been attending services and are daily fell the call of Jesus.

My question is this ~ my boyfriend lately went to his elders to ask about possibly proposing marriage. Well, along with the fact that I am still a Catholic and two he has divorced twice before coming to Christ.

To add another wrench in all of this, he was the adulterer in his last marriage…

Where, if anywhere, does this leave us?


Jack Wellman February 10, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Thank you “Confused” for your question. What did the elders tell your boyfriend? Was he saved before or after his marriage and adultery? If a person was saved and then committed adultery and then divorced and was not restored to his wife, technically he cannot remarry but you have not filled in many of the details of this so I am not sure how to answer. The biggest issue was if he was saved before he got married because he may not well be able to remarry. Have you spoken with the “elders” too about this. I suggest you both got, not to the elders but to the pastor and council with him over this first off. Also, if this works out, are you willing to leave the Catholic church or is he willing to leave his own church so that you both can attend the same church? It will not work out well if you are both attending different churches.


Sue February 11, 2014 at 2:34 pm

Dear Jack

Thank you for your time in writing insightful articles on the scriptures.
I feel that my husband has no respect or love for me. I don’t want to go into details, but please can you advise whether emotional abuse is permissible for a divorce. There is no physical abuse except for a couple of shoves over the years and, as far as I am aware, no adultery.
He screams at me in front of our very young child, who now takes it upon her shoulders to ask whether mummy is okay after daddy shouted at her. I can see that this is affecting her badly.
I am not saying I want to divorce, but it’s an option I am considering as a last resort, as I am tired and feel this has gone too far for counseling… Perhaps because it has caused me to feel indifferently towards him. Anyway, it won’t stop, unless has a true change of heart (for more than a week).

Thank you for your valued guidance.

May God bless you and your family.


Jack Wellman February 11, 2014 at 9:31 pm

I believe we need to pray for this man’s soul because he doesn’t sound saved and the wrath of God is what he will face someday (Rev 20:11-15) for only God can change a sinners heart (Prov 21:1) so pray for that. Tell others to join us in praying for him and that God converts his heart and he sees the need for repentance and to confess his sins and trust in Christ. I know you don’t really want a divorce and so that is pleasing to God and so let’s pray and I ask others to do the same thing. Keep in touch because the Bible gives no allowance for divorce because of verbal or emotional abuse. I am sorry that I couldn’t give you more hope but God is a big God. Love him unconditionally, pray, and leave the rest up to God and God will honor your efforts for this.


Sue February 12, 2014 at 12:44 am

Thank you, Jack.
You have indeed offered hope, in the way of prayer.
I really appreciate your taking the time to respond, and I will continuously keep your advice in mind and pray for my marriage.
I thank God for people like you.


Jack Wellman February 12, 2014 at 8:04 am

My pleasure Sue. Please do stay in touch my friend.


Jack Wellman February 12, 2014 at 3:51 pm

Sue, I love praying for people in such circumstances as you and I thank God for you that you want to do what is right and to obey God and I will pray for you my friend. Never give up for He (God) never gives up on us and His love never fails.


Valerie June 3, 2015 at 6:46 pm

Jack, I came across this site today and have been spiritually encouraged by your obvious zeal for the Lord. How I wish that all professing Christians would delight in exegeting God’s Word with all diligence and humility as I have seen expressed with the posts of you and others here today!

Though this is an old post the topic was of personal interest for me. With regards to Sue and the hundreds of thousands of other women who are living in this traumatic environment, I would like to respectfully pose some considerations in light of your exegesis that scripture gives no allowance for divorce for emotional abuse- beginning with a vignette.

Joey and Amanda, his wife of 10 years were not Christians when they married. Amanda however gave her life to Christ, while Joey acquiesced to her decision and also claimed to have the same relationship with Christ to her and their community. There was no evidence, however, in Joey of any change, no fruit, no desire to pray or read scripture. Amanda became the spiritual leader in the home and at times had to work hard at getting Joey to join her in any spiritual activities. She continued in faith that her love for the Lord would inspire Joey to come to repentance. Since we are in agreement of your position on Joey type “conversions” (which are no conversions at all) I will leave it at that.

Joey has never hit Amanda. He has emotionally and mentally abused her since they day they married, however. He engaged in pornography and told Amanda she was frigid and had been raised in too conservative a family when she told him how this hurt her. Over time Amanda would point out scriptures that spoke to the kinds of sins Joey was unrepentant, pleading for him to consider his steps; but he had no desire to hear from the Word and especially not Amanda. His reaction to her pleas was to begin slandering her among their friends until she literally had no one to talk to. He was morose in his interactions with her as a rule but was very quick to change disposition when anyone else was present. He would show up late when they had plans to go away as a rule but always had good excuses. (He was always on time for events that were of interest to him, however.) He chose to work late many nights of the week rather than come home then scolded Amanda when she told him she missed him and wanted to spend more time with him. He refused to go to counseling for many years and when he did go he chose not to do the work asked of him by the counselor. The counselor said privately he was sure Joey would “come around” and applauded his efforts at coming to the appointments though there was no change whatsoever as a result of the counseling. In fact Joey only became more cruel with Amanda and used the counselor as his backup, twisting the counselor’s words to suit his purposes.

It got to the point that Amanda was nearly suicidal. She felt she was going crazy. He said things didn’t happen that she clearly remembered. It got to the point that he refused to even go places in the same vehicle with her, including church where he served on leadership (a testament to his grand acting ability). Then came the point where he gave her the silent treatment to the point that he would glare at her if she dared be in the same room as he. She told him she could not live like this and begged him once more to put the marriage first and to work with her. She went to stay with a friend to give them both space and said she would return in a week. When she returned he said that the problem was that he realized he needed to hold HER more accountable and that he allowed her to get away with far too many things. When she asked for clarification on this he had no examples. Amanda had never been unfaithful and diligently strived to respect him throughout the marriage. She made it a habit to apologize to him regularly if she spoke or responded in a way she later felt convicted about and prayed for him persistently.

Amanda wished to carry out the Matt 18 principle but no one saw an issue in the marriage other than Amanda. After returning from the brief separation Joey was intolerable. He was so cruel to her that she began to fear for her life even though Joey had never threatened her outrightly or physically abused her (beyond repeated instances earlier in the marriage of backing her up against the wall with no escape so he could “enjoy his wife” even while she cried). When Amanda went to their pastor about these things he said men are different than women, he wasn’t a counselor and said we all sin and need forgiveness.

Now….given that vignette, would you say the heart of Christ is found within scripture to support Amanda living in a home she feels unsafe in and is treated wickedly with Joey having no repentance or remorse? What was Jesus’ point when he rebuked the Pharisees for accusing him for healing on the Sabbath? Was it not that they were straining the gnat and swallowing the camel by adhering to laws without desiring the heart of God in their so called “worship” through the law? They completely missed the point (I am not saying you are missing the point, I’m saying this was Christ’s point- that we need to know the heart of the law, not merely the letter).

Now this can be dangerous territory. We can twist that principle as well to hear what our tickling ears want to hear. The bottom line is that the heart of scripture will not refute scripture itself. I felt a continual conviction that I must be missing something. I had experienced an emotionally abusive relationship and was hearing more and more stories of suffering Christian women who truly love the Lord, were showing fruit and yet were dying inside from the treatment of their spouses. Their marriages were hindering their walk because their husbands demanded (without words) to be their idol. Time and time again they were told if their husband was not unfaithful or had not hit them they must stay. Period. Time and time again I heard from these women who confessed that at one point they privately wished their husband WOULD hit them…just so they could be released from this perpetual pain that was bringing no glory to God (I realize that there is indeed pain in our lives that brings glory to God). As they (and I) saw it, being physically abused was the only thing that would bring them the freedom from this bondage. In every instance I heard, and in my own account, their godly behavior toward their abusive husbands did nothing to facilitate change in their marriage or their husband’s attitude and only grew worse and more overt.

While we can not exegete scripture based on feelings, at some point we must use the wisdom God has given us to make sense of things. Prayerfully, carefully, deliberately we must consider how to make scriptural sense out of something that seems to make no sense. Consider what this says to a unbelieving woman who is married to an emotionally abusive man. You counsel her in hopes of her coming to Christ to start with (as this needs to be the foundation!). In your counsel you must tell her that she must stay with a man like Joey because this is pleasing to the Lord. To say that she must stay with a husband like Joey is to say God hates divorce more than he hates abuse. ? Is this truly the God we know and serve? But what about the passages that seem so clear? Matthew 19:9 seems pretty clear. After all, we are in danger if we add or subtract to the Holy scriptures (Deut 4:2).

What do we do then with scriptures like James 1:6-7 “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Taken at literal value without context: whatever we ask for we will receive so long as we don’t doubt. Now we know this isn’t at all what this passage says!

Take also Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even their own life–such a person cannot be my disciple.” Yikes! Would we bring anyone to Christ if we taught this literally without context? What about plucking out our eyes that cause us to sin? Clearly spiritual discernment is needed to realize that these passages were not meant to be taken literally. Yet there are plenty that are. Spiritual discernment is needed!

Why is there a need to not take passages like Matt 19:9 literally? In the above cases it is quite obvious a closer look is need to realize this isn’t taken literally. But how do we know that? Well, at its core we know that Christ would never bless our plucking out eyes and hating our families. We know that because we know our Christ. Our knowledge of Christ’s character is what compels us to examine what the heart of these passages mean because at literal value we know this is not the heart of Christ. We know God enough to dig further. So it is in the vignette I gave above. Does it align with scriptural principles to believe that God is well pleased and smiling down on the woman who “stands by her man” who is being beaten emotionally over a span of time when the husband shows no remorse, no desire for change, yet professes Christ to the extent that it only confuses people and therefore do not hold him accountable? When God is not being glorified and the abusive person is only being enabled to continue his abuse? Is that showing our love and our desire for his repentance?

Does the unbelieving (as defined by scripture) spouse literally have to leave the house to be considered that he/she has actually “left”? Has he only deserted her if he literally walks out the door? (referring to 1 Cor 7:15) Please understand that an emotional abuser is often quite content to stay living with his victim. She is the mouse and he is the cat.

If a pastor will allow divorce for physical abuse, what about the husband who cuts a brake line to his wife’s car but she finds out in time? He has not physically abused her and has not been sexually unfaithful. Does it please the Lord for her to stay with him in hopes of winning him to Christ? Surely we must be missing something to counsel a woman this way! (Not that you have, but I have heard women’s accounts who have been told this). Some would say it would be foolish to remain in the home with him but she that scripture does not allow her to divorce such a man who has a habit of treating her this way. Clearly we must be missing something. An abusive spouse does not need to be under the same roof as the victim in order to continue abusing her to the point of her wishing for death in hopes of relief.

I’ve already made this very lengthy though there are other scriptures I would like to point out as well as the Shammai and Hillel considerations in the scriptures mentioning divorce. I know there are many “Sue’s” out there who are looking for scriptural answers to their abuse and I have come to believe that the church at large has grievously abandoned women like her who obey Christ but have been held in bondage by the exegesis of certain scriptures. The theory of: “All means all and that’s all all means” comes to mind as one that has been dangerously adopted by some (namely Universalists).

I want to mention again how encouraged I am in your desire for Truth that I have seen in coming here. I respectfully share these considerations for you and your readers. May we all diligently pursue to be Bereans for the glory of Christ!


Lindsey February 15, 2014 at 12:31 pm

Thank you Jack. I watched a sermon online where the pastor said if we mess up a marriage we shouldn’t be aloud to mess up another one. When I was right out of highschool my boyfriend asked me to help him get his greencard which required me to marry him. I knew it was wrong so I kept my last name and hid it from my family.I was unsaved at the time. I eventually left him and divorced him because I couldn’t live the lie anymore. A year after the divorce was final I married a Godly man got saved and we have 2 beautiful children. It grieved me and has had me depressed thinking God would want me to leave abandon my family and go back to that messed up relationship. Please pray for me. God Bless you!!!


Jack Wellman February 15, 2014 at 12:41 pm

I will pray for you Lindsey. I do grieve with you in this and pray also and petition others to join Lindsey and myself in this most worthy cause in which to pray for. Thank you for your open honesty.


amanda March 27, 2014 at 12:19 pm

hi, i came across this site while looking for an answer to a question i have and was wondering if anyone could help. my partner and i came to the lord and were born again about 2 and a half years ago, however we are unmarried but have 4 children together one of which is disabled. i have matured spiritually much more quickly than my partner, have received the baptism of the holy spirit and have been gifted with the ability to teach women and children. my pastor has now told me i am not to use this gift as i am living in sin, but teaches regularly that any god given gift is not to be kept to ourselves but is for the church and that by not using our gifts we are holding back our brethrens blessings. i know and understand i cannot be an elder and have no desire to be a decon, my sisters are asking for my help in teaching and i don’t want to be rebellious, what should i do?


Jack Wellman March 27, 2014 at 12:41 pm

Your pastor is right Amanda. No one who claims to be born again and continues living in sin is really saved. Living in sin at present, you are not qualified to teach as you will read in the New Testament about the lifestyle of a teacher must be above reproach. You said “my sisters are asking for my help in teaching and i don’t want to be rebellious” but your true rebellion that you should worry about is living in a sexually immoral situation. Are you more worried about “rebelling” against your sisters? Or against God? What are you teaching your children by example? You are showing them by living this way that it is okay to have sex outside of marriage and that marriage is not important. Let John Himself warn you that in 1 John 3:4-10 this is very serious and by your lifestyle it shows me evidence that you are NOT saved and it is actually God speaking since He inspires all Scripture: “Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. 5 You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. 6 No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. 7 Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. 8 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. 9 No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. 10 By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.” (my emphasis).

I realize that this may make you angry but I must speak to you in love, not just as a pastor, but as a Christian that you and your husband are sinning a great sin and those who continue is sin are not born again (1 John 3:4-10) and those who practice such things will NOT inherit the kingdom of heaven (Gal 5:19-21).


Teresa May 2, 2014 at 10:01 pm

I have read through the comments and did not see a situation like the one I am currently in and that which I am seeking the Father for an answer. Perhaps you can guide me some.
My husband and I were married young. 16 years into my marriage I became a born again Christ follower and I became different. My husband did not. He continued on the same road he was on when we first met. We have three children. There was verbal abuse and control to an extent. I admit that there were times I was afraid of him. I spent the next 8 1/2 years trying to follow the bible and love my husband I begged him to give up the pornography and he refused. I finally had enough all the children were grown and out of the house and I told him he had a choice that he needed to give up the porn or lose me. Well I ended up leaving the home with the hope that we would be able to work things out once he saw that I was serious on my stand. I just could not participate in the things he was asking me to any longer.
He decided that since I left he was going to pursue other women and file for a divorce. Even after he had a girlfriend I begged him to leave her and work things out with me, The divorce was final a little over a year ago. His girlfriend moved into my home with him and she became pregnant. He had rough times with her and would call me. she eventually left him as he was abusive toward her and they gave the baby up for adoption. I have been there for him all this time any time he needed me to be. I still love him and even though he has done all these things in my heart he is my husband. I want to follow God and the laws he has given us more than I want my husband back but I know God hates divorce. My husband is now attempting to start a relationship with me again trying to work things out. He says that he believes in Jesus but he doesn’t really live his life like he does. He also says that he gave up the porn. What does the bible say for this am I free to pursue a relationship with him or would it be an abomination to God?


Jack Wellman May 3, 2014 at 12:03 pm

Tresa, thank you for your comment and question. I see that you have reservations and for good cause. A person can say that they believe in Jesus but so does the Devil and the demons. To believe in Jesus is not enough. A person needs to repent of their lifestyle of sin (including & especially pornography) and then after they repent, to confess their sins and see the need for the Savior and then and only after this, they must trust in Christ for their salvation. If you read 1 John chapter 3 you will see what a person does and acts when they are saved. You may be putting yourself into another nightmare scenario. Have you spoken with your pastor about this? If so, what did he say? I would first talk to him and not do anything at all until you are 100% certain that this man is saved or you will have it perhaps worse than before and then as a believer, be bound to him till death do you part. Does this man read his Bible that you know of? What church does he attend? Does he pray? Jesus said that you will KNOW them by their fruits and if there is no godly fruit, then he is not saved. Wait. Don’t re-marry this man. If he is an unbeliever and it appears that he is, then that is sin for you since we are not to be unequally yoked with non-believers, for good reason too.


RD May 9, 2014 at 2:32 pm

My questions to you are this:
Can two people who committed adultery through an affair (and actually this is not the only time they have both been unfaithful; they are both multiple past offenders ), caused two divorces, engage in a sexual relationship outside of marriage that they now say is not happening, confess their sin to me (and not the other betrayed spouse) and their pastor, still continue with the relationship after admitting to their wrong, have their potential new union blessed and seen as a marriage gifted by GOD? Will GOD look favorably on their potential union, because all signs are leading to it? I do know she has never been baptized was christened as an infant; as for him I do not know.
It appears as the church they attend does. They are both really involved he sings in praise and worship and she is part of a lot of the planning committees, while all along still being involved with each other. I just can’t for the life of me see where this is right. Shouldn’t the church at least ask them to step away from such positions until they are married? Are they not inviting evil into their house and having a large voice by the positions they have? Shouldn’t the church judge them in righteousness and not condemnation? What I mean is shouldn’t they hold them accountable for their actions and work with them to stop this? Is it not just remaining in their sin?
I write this in hopes of bringing clarity to how GOD may feel about this?
I am the ex-husband whose ex-wife did this. She left me for another that she was involved with and still is, has flaunted her happiness in my face, made me feel as though I am being replaced as a father (she doesn’t miss many chances to tell me about how they celebrate this and that as a family even though she is only dating him), lies to me constantly, wants us to be friends, wants me to just accept things as they are (that is something I am not prepared to do), has little remorse if any at all for her choices, has had the audacity to tell my daughter that them being together was in GODs plan (so GOD lead her to commit adultery so she could be with him), and blames my past actions of bitterness towards her flirtation with other men as a reason she could not be with me (granted I chose to allow that to happen to me and I have apologized and owned it with her).
Divorce I have found out is the worse than grieving a death especially when young children are involved. I know GOD is in the business of forgiving and am very thankful that he is because I need it to. In the beginning I tried to turn my children against her and him for what they had done; a deed I truly regret. I have confessed this to GOD asked for his forgiveness and that of my kids and have turned from it.
The one thing I cannot get past is that would GOD say to her and him “hey no big deal what you two have done, you said you were sorry for what you did and that is good enough for me, now starting today you are free from all the wreckage you have caused to two marriages and can move on with your relationship as nothing ever happened”?
What does scripture say about all of the above? Please help me understand all of it.


Jack Wellman May 9, 2014 at 7:48 pm

RD, thank you for your comment and I believe like you do that this is not right. As a pastor, they are not qualified to be in any position of ministering. Being a pastor myself and knowing how the church I pastor at feels about such things, they would be asked by me and the church to step down for those who are ministering and serving in a church should not be engaging and the pastor should not marry them in my opinion. You are spot on…the church should not allow this and by letting this situation go on without disciple is like they are approving of it and God is not going to bless this union and I don’t believe He will bless this church for overlooking such grievous sins. Just saying “I’m sorry” because their needs to be repentance (which means turning away from sinning) and not just confessing. I fear they are going to bring God’s judgment on them, their house and perhaps on the church but the pastor is the one that is condoning it by just sweeping it under the carpet. This church may have lost the Holy Spirit’s presence for God’s glory and presence cannot dwell where there is ongoing sin and unrepentance. I agree with you RD. You may have to find another church.


Jackie July 28, 2014 at 4:48 pm

I have also experienced exactly the same thing with my now ex husband. He committed multiple adulteries but prayed he would truly repent. Him and his mistress both are publicly displaying this as ‘God’s will’ to my children.. May God have mercy on all of our souls. May we have strength of God to forgive and for our children to know the truth and for them to be free. Now time to work on removing pain and anger with God’s help from your soul and to work on being whole. God will see you through, take one day at a time. I am walking this out daily.


Jack Wellman July 28, 2014 at 6:24 pm

Hello Jackie and thank you too for your comment too. This man and his mistress are most certainly deceived and the Devil must be laughing if they think this is God’s will. It is opposite of God’s will in fact. You are praying for the right thing….for God’s strength to be able to forgive and for your children to not be too harmed by this sinful behavior of your ex-husband. I will pray God gives you relief from the pain and heartache and the anger too as this must be unbearable at times…and for your children too. You show such great wisdom in knowing that God can see you thru this and taking it one day at a time. Wow. That is so impressive and shows me you have such godly wisdom and women of faith like you are a rare jewel in the Crown of God.


scaredandalone May 27, 2014 at 1:05 am

My husband of 22 year has left me and has filed for divorce. I have no say in the NO FAULT state. I love him very much and would love to reconcile the marriage, but he said it will never happen. I am not looking to move on, I plan to stand for my marriage until I can not longer do so, (either he remarries or I die). The problem is, I am a fairly young woman who feels abandoned and scared to be alone for the rest of my life. My husband has been unfaithful to me several times in our 22 years, but I have chosen to forgive and move on with him. He is not currently with any one but just aid he “doesn’t want to be married anymore”. If this is his stance and he never chooses to come back am I to give up my feelings and never be loved again by a man? I can’t ever remarry without being an adulterer?


Jack Wellman May 27, 2014 at 8:03 am

Hello “Scared and Alone” and thank you for your comment and question. My first question is have you spoken with your own local pastor about this? If so, what did he say? If not, why not speak with him soon? Since your husband has been unfaithful and apparently for some time (several times in 22 years) there is no reason that you cannot remarry because Jesus tells us that adultery is grounds for divorce and so you are free to remarry but again, I would talk to your own pastor about this and make sure that there is another woman with you or another person because no woman should ever meet with a married or unmarried pastor alone. Thank you.


chas December 13, 2015 at 3:06 am

I didn’t wait or fight for my marriage when my husband of 12 years said and did the same …so two years later I have a child with another man out of wedlock and I am very much sorry for my choices because my now ex husband repented and wanted me back but I’ve messed up out of fear and pain and loneliness and now have a child and her father who wants to marry me.. so I would say to wait and pray fervently for your marriage.. don’t do what I have done.


Tony August 27, 2014 at 5:22 am

My wife left me after 39 years of our marriage and I went through a divorce not because of any adultery though I try my best to hold my marriage she took her own decision to leave me that led me to our divorce and now. I found a fiancee who too had been divorced and been lonely and we have been very compatible in our relationship and due to get married soon and my question is it wrong to have pre- marital sex before marriage though we both are a mature couple and have no commitments.


Jack Wellman August 27, 2014 at 8:18 am

Hello Tony. I am so sorry sir. In the first place, any sex outside of marriage is sin. It doesn’t matter if you are compatible or mature and have no commitments. Eph 5:5 says “that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.” Read that again. that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.” You must know that it is sin to have sex outside of marriage and if a person does and thinks it’s okay because they are “mature” and have no “commitments” then something is very, very wrong.

Again, in Gal 5:19-22 “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” You must know in your heart that this is sin and Paul said that sexual sin is sinning against one’s one body. In 1 Cor 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” Ask your pastor and he will tell you the same thing. If you don’t and still have sex outside or before marriage, and being engaged doesn’t excuse it, then God is not going to let this go unpunished.


Tony August 27, 2014 at 9:26 am

Thank you Sir for you kind and quick reply.I could get married immediately in the country of origin of where my fiancée reside. But that will not help me getting her over to my residing country, if I get married in her country it involves complicated issues and problems of immigration regulation laws to get her over to my country of origin for her to reside with me as husband and wife.
So marriage is upheld until her visa situation is cleared once then we register ourselves to marry.
So it is a matter we want to marry but regulations hold us back at the moment as if I did marry her in her country of origin I have a difficult task to apply for visa to bring her as my wife to the country of my origin to live with me.
We already vowed in God’s presence that we marry without doubt and relationship have been strong and genuine.
Does this mean I still fall into the same category what you have already mentioned of having pri marital sex.


Jack Wellman August 27, 2014 at 11:40 am

Yes Tony, the Bible makes no exception. Sex is within marriage only and no exceptions and those Scriptures I gave you give a serious warning to those who disobey. I know this seems hard but I must depend on what God says and never on human opion for God’s truth abides forever. I know its difficult but always obeying God is and not sinning so we must do the difficult regardless.


Anónimo January 9, 2015 at 8:32 pm

¿Y si mi pareja no hace nada para evitar que la relación caiga en eso de nuevo? Si no es capaz de alimentar el amor, ¿que debo hacer? Yo prefiero divorciarme antes que volver a pasar por la dolorosa seducción del adulterio y de fallarle a Dios. Sé que me autocastigaria sin querer volver a casarme, pero al menos no me sentiría sucia y miserable por convertirme en adúltera. Prefiero perder mi matrimonio antes que volver a fallarle a Dios; sumamente triste de no sentirme amada.


Jack Wellman January 9, 2015 at 8:39 pm

¿De caer en lo nuevo? ¿Qué fue lo que cayeron en primer lugar? ¿Si pierdes tu matrimonio, esa falla no es Dios? Es su socio cometiendo adulterio o ¿fue usted? Por favor explique lo que pasó?.


Anónimo January 9, 2015 at 9:10 pm

I kissed another man one year and a half ago. I felt so terrible about it and I confessed what I did to him. He forgave me and he didnt show any anger against me. He is a very reponsible man and cares about me, but he doesn’t show any love or couple affection for me; we are just great friends. I feel so sad and angry because I dont want to be seduced by adultery again. I love God and I prefer to divorce before I become an adultery and fail God with this sin. If I have to stay alone forever I will, but I cannot change him although i have prayed. It is very sad for anyone not feeling loved.


Jack Wellman January 9, 2015 at 9:18 pm

I am so very sorry. You do realize that you do not have biblical grounds for divorce, right? Not having a loving relationship might increase the risk for adultery but you must stay married and try loving him because Jesus loved us while we were still enemies of God and wicked sinners (Rom 5:8, 10) and died for us 2, 000 years before we would even be born and be sinners. No, you cannot change him but God can if it is His will (Prov 21:1). Have you talked with your pastor? What did he say? If you haven’t talked to him, please do so right away. If you prefer divorce before you commit adultery, both of these are sins and no Christian does such things…yes, we may sin in a moment of weakness but to divorce by your desire to not commit adultery is not acceptable. Jesus said that only if your husband commits adultery and refuses to stop or repent, can you divorce. If you divorce just because you are lonely, you are not going to make it easier for yourself but you will lose God’s favor and His blessing. Do you really love Jesus more than anyone, including yourself? Do you seek Him first over everything (Matt 6:33)? Please do not divorce and you cannot use your husband’s lack of affection as an excuse to commit adultery and that you can’t help it. That is not so.


Anónimo January 9, 2015 at 9:51 pm

The only biblical ground that I know is that he is not fulfilling a basic marital obligation. Im not saying this is a reason for divorce, or his actions my excuse for being unfaithful, but even if I decide to stay in my marriage without love and praying forever, my self esteem, my relationship with God and everything that sorrounds me is going to suffer a wound of an empty life with a marriage with a purpose.

I appreciate your advise and I do recognize that I need help on this, but how unfair is to accept that you have to live the rest of your life unhappy because if you separate, the favor of God will never be with me anymore. Trying to please God and follow his will, but living loving someone who doesn’t, will only autodestroy myself.

Thanks for your time.


Jack Wellman January 9, 2015 at 10:12 pm

I am so sorry that you are in such a miserable place. I know it must be hard. Jesus warned that the way to eternal life will be hard, narrow, and difficult. Did you speak with your pastor or do you even have a church home? Jesus warned of the high cost of following Him in Luke 14:26-33

26 If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

28“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? 29For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, 30saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’

31“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

That cost could well include your fulfilling marriage. I pray it is not.


Anónimo January 9, 2015 at 10:46 pm

I cant tell my pastor or any of my church leaders about something like this. Some of them pretend to have “the perfect life without sins” and unfortunately many of them wearing a miserable mask even worst than my situation. Feeling rejected and judged will not help to deal my situation, and that’s the main reason I haven’t spoken to them.

I agree with the things you are telling me about the Bible principles, and I understand about the high cost. But the fact that I’ve always tried to follow his will, I always prayed for my husband since I was 15, and now trying to accept something like this, make me feel that every step in my life doing the right things were never enough or worth it. However I know it is not that way and that the enemy feels happy putting me down like this.

Hope I can stand for the right decision without giving up everything in order to live the life God wants for me. But for now, this is definitively not the way I would have chosen or imagined before for me.

Thanks again and I appreciate your prayer.


Shellie Ballard January 10, 2015 at 4:33 am

I am uncertain if I was saved before my husband divorced me. I know I want living right fir the Lord but didn’t fully understand the difference in justification and sanctification and always fell back into sinful patterns. My ex husband and I were both addicts. I was addicted to alcohol and he was addicted to born. Our marriage just went downhill after 6 years and I eventually cheated on him which caused him to divorce me. I am now learning to trust God with salvation through faith by grace. My ex husband and I are now dating after being divorced for 7 years. God healed me of alcoholism and vie been sober 3 years. My exhusband is fighting against his born addiction but without fully grasping grace and salvation. He battles unbelief and often won doers if God is real however he has been going to church and doing bible studies with me. He was raised a jahovah witness but isn’t committed and has trouble grasping true biblical teaching. My question is since we are both repentant about adultery and he is willing to work out our marriage should I as a new Christian reconcile with him. I know the bible says not to marry an unbeliever but it also says to stay married if unbeliever is willing to stay. I don’t know how to apply this to my situation and have gotten mixed answers from other Christians. I am in need of some clarity and direction. I do not want to jepordize my relationship with my Lord. Thank you.


Jack Wellman January 10, 2015 at 9:36 am

I would love to see you both be reconciled and your marriage restored. Are you certain that your ex is a believer in Christ? We are not to be unequally yoked with non-believers. It does appear that you both may have been unsaved before because of your pattern of lifestyle of sin. I am overjoyed you want to please the Lord and not jeopardize your relationship with Him. I would also ask that you both counsel with your pastor. Have you talked with him about this? I would do so immediately. Just because your ex is going to church doesn’t mean that he is a Christian though. If he battles unbelief and that God is real shows me that he may not actually be saved so please don’t remarry an unbeliever if you are not sure he is saved. Again, talk to your pastor, make 100% certain your ex is saved. Just because he is repentant doesn’t mean that he is saved. A worldly sorrow or repentance is not the same as the repentance that God grants. If he is not saved, don’t do this. Talk to your local pastor and both of you seek counseling from him.


Lost & confused wife March 5, 2015 at 10:20 pm

My husband & I have been married since 2007, now we have 2 son’s after being told my whole life I could not have kids (My faith in God is what gave me not just 1 but 2 blessing from him, which to me is a double miracle) anyway I am 9 yrs older then my husband I am now 42 & he is 31, so for me I had my children late in life being 36 for my 1st one & 41 for my 2nd (both boys) When I met husband he was 21 YRS OLD & Very into God, saved Christian who went to church any chance he could get & till this day give 10% tithes but when I met him I was not committed to God like I am today & was very hard & mean when I met him from just having a severally brutal childhood. He stood by my side, got me to LOVE his church, was already saved but now know God as my #1 but as the years have passed 10 going on 11 I made the mistake of telling my husband that I thought my walk with God is so CLOSE & now he is like I was when he met me as now he does not pray with me, go to church faithfully, read the bible or any of things he did when I met him?! When we got married he cheated on me with my neighbor & who I thought was one of my BEST Friends & in my wedding 4 days after we got married as well as he had a long going affair with my boss from my job before we got married & both women I had No idea about??!! Then one day after about a year of ending everything he told me about the affairs one day, telling me it was hurting him so bad & had to ask my forgiveness as he had already asked God for his & could not go on with the guilt he had I was devastated & wish he would of NEVER told me as I would of never known it had been already over a year & did not even believe him at 1st & thought he was just trying to make me mad, yeah stupid right??!! So I wanted a divorce but then found out I was pregnant with our 1st son so thought it was God telling me to stay??? Best pregnancy ever, he was truly amazing, was there every step of the way & so excited, did not leave my side & even delivered his son until I got a call from a stranger telling me he was having an affair with her friend at this time my 1st born was 5 months old after everything I had already been through I just could NOT believe it & at 1st he lied about it but everything just kept adding up & he finally confessed it was true. Now it has been 4.5 yrs that I have not herd of any cheating but it so hard to trust a word he say’s & hv found a few things suspicious but when I bring it up he will go completely ballistic & have even been beat for it?? He is getting meaner & meaner as the years go on & even as far as to beat me in front of my 1st born son if I pry or as he say’s NAG him!! This is tearing me up inside I am getting older & think I have not much time as I have severe anxiety issues from this & my childhood, he has no remorse or says he is even sorry anymore when there are days I am beat up & he see’s all the bruises but then is nice & just pretends nothing happen as I do too just wishing he would say sorry or even feel compassion but anytime we argue it is ALWAYS MY FAULT the person he has turned into?? I don’t know if I have done this to him because I used to be a pretty cold hearted person but now I have surrendered my life to God & by no means perfect but NEVER call him all the viscous names he calls me, never attack him as he does me, & he gets so mad he can not even stop anymore not even for our son?? Am I fighting a loosing battle, does this man not LOVE me anymore, would I be wrong in God’s eyes to leave him?? If I leave as well that’s what makes this decision so hard is that I would be moving across the United States from him because I have no family in the State or even a few States away from were I live now besides my husband & 2 boys & top it off his family does NOT like me & would rather me not be his wife!! I want to be loved as I have been beat my whole life but as well want my boys to not be treated like someone’s step child!! I waited till I was 35 to get married & felt God was having this all happen for something to fall in place for me the way it should be, marriage & then children but then I know he LOVES his boys & know they love him too & don’t want them to be effected of the far away move. I am not the most attractive person on the outside, don’t have money, or really any place I could go but know I would def go back to where at least I have family who I know loves me…..Could I remarry as it has been so long since I last found out of the 3rd women, would this be wrong for me to move so far & I am talking thousands of miles away from there dad that although my oldest son sticks up for me ALL THE TIME & will tell his dad to not be mean to his mommy, I know as well he Loves him?! I am so torn & just don’t even know right from wrong anymore when it comes to my marriage!! We have said divorce so many times & can go a month without talking except fighting (arguing about every single thing, but him doing all the attacking as far as anything I say is a reason for him to just verbally attack me) everyday but then there are times that are amazing that make me want to stay?!!! It has been a while since any physical abuse but it still has not been forgotten & even feel he does NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE!! Lost & confused!!!!


Jack Wellman March 5, 2015 at 10:31 pm

I am so sorry for all you’re going thru Lost and Confused Wife. Have you ever spoken with your pastor about this? What has he ever said? I would tell him what’s going on. Would your husband go with you? If your husband has beaten you, you should call the police and turn this in as its a very serious criminal offense. Just ask many of the NFL wives lately. You can’t allow him to beat you and go on like this. Also, your husband sounds like a false convert. Read 1 John chapter 3 and see if someone who doesn’t go to church, doesn’t read his/her Bible, never prays, acts violent, contiunually in affairs and beats his wife (maybe the children will be next?). That man might have been a false convert. I would report this beating to the police. Tell a close friend you can trust. Call your pastor, Pray for your husband because from what you’ve described his only fruit is evil fruit (John 15:1-8?) and read 1 John chapter 3 and Rev 21:8 to see why I say that. He says he doesn’t love you…but love is NOT a feeling…it is a choice and it is what you do not what you feel or say. This many is totally lost, unsaved in my opinion and needs to repent for if Christ returns and he’s like this, he may be headed for the Great White Throne Judgment (Rev 2012-15).


Lost & confused wife March 6, 2015 at 2:51 pm

Thank you for your response, I needed this & will read the vs you have given me to read. I will go to my Pastor as we did once before but see if there is anything I could do to save my marriage & like I said, I am by no means the “PERFECT” person, I do nag, ask questions, question his thoughts or what he is doing all the time & I don’t know why?? I have started drinking pretty heavily not to the point of getting drunk as a skunk & slurring words but I have a drink or 2 every night, is this wrong of me to have a drink but not to the point of being drunk & I surly know the difference because when I was younger I would get so DRUNK & think I was having so much fun but in all actuality I was making a fool of myself & would have to apology the next day for such terrible behavior of myself. So I am no saint that is for sure but I surly have faith, pray EVERY single day, all day & talk to God pretty much about everything. & my FAITH in his is 100% because if were not for his saving grace I surly would not be alive today starting from when I was a child, car accidents, the last birth I gave I almost died 3 times so I know God wants to use me & has BIG plans for me & can not wait to be the person that he wants me to be 100% As I know that no one on earth is perfect but I do know I try to always think God is standing beside me so that my decisions are truly what I would do if I could see him & knew he was watching me even though I do know he stands beside every single day, I can feel his presence & know he is here!! TY again


Jack Wellman March 6, 2015 at 3:45 pm

My friend, I believe it is a huge mistake for you to drink. Didn’t you say you had children? Wouldn’t this leave a bad example for your children? It sounds to me like you are saved…all you can do is to see if your husband would seek counseling, pray for his salvation, and shower him with the unconditional love that God showed us when He saved us as we were still wicked sinners and His enemies (Rom 5:8, 10). I am glad you are saved but I don’t think drinking will lead to anything good at all but may make it worse. They say our judgment is altered with only 1/2 a drink is consumed and you don’t want the mind of Christ that is within you to be altered in any way at all. Please, I beg you, no alcohol and I will pray for you and your situation and pray for your husband to be saved, which from the sound of what you told me about him, he isn’t.


Lost & confused wife March 7, 2015 at 12:13 am

Thank you so much, not 1 drink today, putting this in God’s hands & trying to follow all commands!! Going to Church on Sunday with the whole family & it has been a while & think this is a step in the right directions!! Forever grateful I stumbled on this page as it has been something I am grateful for.

Lost & confused wife March 7, 2015 at 12:54 am

would I be wrong to leave??


Jack Wellman March 7, 2015 at 11:17 am

Am so glad you are going to be in the Body of Christ and it is a step in the right direction. A little sip of wine after the children are in bed, I see nothing wrong with a little sip. As for would it be wrong to leave? I cannot answer that for you…I do know that marriage is worth fighting for with all our strength because it is a God-instituted and created and ordained institution and so I believe we should never give up…if continual adultery and physical abuse occur, you should leave but also turn in your husband to the local authorities according to Romans 13. I will continue to pray for you, your husband to repent and trust in Christ and for your whole family. Don’t give up. Time till He returns may be (know one really knows) may be short.


Lost & confused wife March 7, 2015 at 1:06 am

BTW, not making excuses but telling the truth, I was rapped since I was 2 yrs old til I was 8 yrs old so my sexual drive is pretty minimum & he is very sexual but meeting him at 21 yrs old he is all about excuse me getting so deep but just getting it in no passion, no kissing, just a few kisses or a back rub & bam done!!! There is NO LOVE & this has been since the 2nd time we were together sexually, I don;t know I continued the the relationship as it is thrown in my face everyday!! I felt I was giving up the amazing sex as I was not a Virgin when I met him (just being real & honest, no lies involved) but was at 1 time a very sexual person but it was only with 1 person who is married & happy & would NEVER GO THERE!!! I have never cheated & never will it is the BIGGEST heartbreaking thing I can hear from anyone!!!


Lost & confused wife March 7, 2015 at 1:09 am

BTW, yes I have 2 boys but I wait til they are asleep to have drink, as the house is clean, dinner is made, dishes are done, baths are done, laundry is folded & almost my way to fall asleep & maybe this why I am up so late tonight, no one sip of wine?


Lost & confused wife March 9, 2015 at 1:43 pm

Well I wanted to Thank you for your advice this last few days have been really nice!! We went to church & I talked to him about the things you told me. At 1st I think it was hard for him swallow but he has been truly amazing at being better, no yelling, screaming, & even told me he Loved me & put back on his wedding ring that he has not worn in over a year! Thank you Mr. Jack Wellman. 🙂


Jack Wellman March 9, 2015 at 1:47 pm

Praise God and thank Him for I am only an unworthy servant only doing his duty so glory to God…I will keep praying. Thank you Jesus! God, You are soooooo good! 🙂


Lost & confused wife March 9, 2015 at 8:57 pm



Jack Wellman March 10, 2015 at 3:39 pm

Thanks my sister. God is so good. Will continue to pray.

Lost & confused wife March 11, 2015 at 5:44 pm

Thank you so much as everything is still going great, so I know God hears our prayers & our family is FINALLY getting strong after 2 yrs of actually a pure Hell, it is God’s work & know he working Miracle again & again for me & I am not so deserving of all the Blessing he gives me but Love him so much for all the Mercy he shows me!!


Jack Wellman March 11, 2015 at 6:00 pm

God is better to all of us that we truly deserve my dear sister in Christ. I know others are holding you up in prayer before God as I am so thank you for fighting for this marriage and God will honor that and is pleased by your desire to do so.


Lost & confused wife March 13, 2015 at 5:26 pm



Scared and confused March 23, 2015 at 12:04 pm

I don’t even know where to start. I was raised in Church. I got married at 18 and have 2 children. I cheated throughout the first 10 yrs of my marriage but stopped after we started going to Church. About a yr after we started going to church we started fighting about religion. He had some strange ideas about new world order that did not fall into line with the church lessons and I told him to drop them or I would drop out of church. He did not so i stopped going to church. At the same time a male co worker started flirting with me. I resisted at first but eventually had an affair. I left my husband and got a divorce. eventually the coworker and I got married. We have been married for over 15 yrs. about 5 yrs ago we started going to church and living for the Lord. I am a changed person. I feel a deep remorse for the affairs, for not trying to reconcile with my first husband. He wanted to try and work it out but I was hard hearted and stubborn and did not want to. I hate that I hurt him and my children. I am worried that God will not forgive me and I am living in sin. I won’t have sex with my present husband because I am afraid I am committing adultery every time we do. My first husband is now married. We do have a civil relationship now. I am doubting my own salvation. I thought I was saved but how could I have done all those things, completely turning my back on God for so long? If I say maybe I wasn’t saved then but I am now, am I still trying to lessen the impact of my sin? My present husband has no idea I feel this way. I think it would hurt him if he knew I felt this way.


Jack Wellman March 23, 2015 at 12:30 pm

Hello my friend. God hates divorce but loves divorced people and forgives divorced people. You must know forgive yourself. I would talk to your pastor right away. Are you back in a church? Talk to the pastor and talk to your present husband because you must tell him how you feel. God promises to forgive us as 1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You must believe God, not trust your feelings. You cannot deny your present husband because you were already married because this will make him tempted to cheat if you are not having sex with him. You cannot unscramble an egg…make the best of where you are at, don’t divorce again just to remarry. Talk to your pastor…call him today. Forgive yourself. I want you to read this to see why I say this: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-a-christian-commentary/


Joy June 17, 2015 at 8:44 pm

Good day, pastor!

I have a friend who wants to divorce his wife for 1 year. He said he wasn’t ready to get married that time but he still did and that was the biggest mistake he has ever done according to him. He wants a divorce because of personality issue, the girl being psycho or something like that. The girl did something so strange that seems not so normal and he is scared she might do worst things than that. He doesn’t want to get reconciled with her anymore and they both agreed with that thing. I just want to know your stand in this case. What advice could you give that I could also share to my friend. Thank you and more power to you, pastor!


Jack Wellman June 17, 2015 at 9:07 pm

Thank you Joy. If this friend a Christian? If so, he knows better. He is trying to justify his reasons. He has no grounds for divorce as you probably know. A personality issue is about as flimsy of an excuse as I have ever read. Wow. If he is not a Christian, you can’t expect him to listen to what Jesus taught that divorce is only permissible by grounds of ongoing, unrepentant adultery but it is still sin nonetheless, whether he’s a Christian or not. God will not leave those who do such things unpunished, even if its at the Great White Throne Judgment (Rev 20:12-15). The girl being “pscycho” is perhaps only his side of the story but that is still no reason for biblical grounds for a divorce. Is the girl Christian too or not? If they are in a church, they need counseling for sure and prayers too. Thanks for being a good enough of a friend to warn them of this great sin. If you read 1 John chapter 3 you can see that anyone who sins willfully and continually does not appear to be a Christian.


Joy June 17, 2015 at 10:05 pm

The girl is not a Christian but my friend started to attend church and is I think on his way to being one. They live in different country now. His reason is he knows it’s a sin but God forgives because no matter what He will love us. And the people in his church told him that it’s okay to remarry as long as they love one another and I know that’s a very invalid reasoning in the sight of God. Thank you pastor for your genuine concern for the soul. God is really good for using people like you as His instrument to lead people to live righteously. May God bless you with good health and long life. Please pray for my friend to enlighten his thoughts about this matter. Thanks again, pastor.


Jack Wellman June 18, 2015 at 7:58 am

To know that something is sin but to presume on God’s grace is even worse and is called trampling on the blood of Christ. Paul says in Rom 6:1 “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound?” The people in this church are in great error. I would ask the people in this church to show me in the Bible where we can get divorced for no biblical reasons and that worries me about this church…many false apostles and false teachers will arise in the end times said Jesus and Paul and Peter. I will pray for your friend. Thank you Joy for you kind words and may God richly bless you my friend.


CJLF June 19, 2015 at 8:17 am

My husband and I met online via his relative, who attends my (now our) church. We lived in different countries at this time and so our relationship developed mainly online. At the outset, he told me that was a divorced father of two and that he had been divorced for about 4 years. He had married young (21) under duress; having gotten his ex pregnant (she lied to him that she was using birth control), she threatened to report his undocumented parents to the authorities unless he married her. She repeated the ruse to have a second child with him; the marriage was not happy as a result of these circumstances. Nevertheless, despite the relationship inevitably heading south, he tried everything to save it but she would not partner with him in these efforts and in the end they filed for divorce. Neither were Christians at any time during their relationship.
Four years later, and after having discovered my Facebook page and becoming attracted to me because of my positive life and particularly my love for God, he reached out to me via email. He told me later that shortly before this, he had come to a realization that his post-divorce lifestyle of promiscuity and partying was not making him happy, and so he changed his lifestyle and started on a journey, a journey that led to him getting saved and baptized. By that time, we were looking towards marriage. However, not long after, he discovered that his divorce was not in fact final – his ex’s lawyer had not filed the completed paperwork. He and I were devastated. He got going on the paperwork. In the meantime, I told him that maybe his wife wanted him back, but he assured me she didn’t. The divorce didn’t happen when my husband thought it had because of a technicality, but did that now mean he could not remarry and that if he did, both he and I would become adulterers? I prayed about this a lot and at no time did God tell me to abandon the marriage plan, although I had clearly heard Him tell me to wait at a few junctures in my relationship.
It took a year for the divorce to come through and my husband and I were married last August. I believe the entire circumstance of our meeting and relationship were nothing short of miraculous and God-orchestrated (completely outside the realms of mine and my husband’s conception; I prayed to God for the man He knew I needed and he is indeed that, though very different to what I thought I wanted) and there has been much fruit already from our union, but I sometimes wonder if God cannot bless us because of the technicality regarding the divorce paperwork.


Jack Wellman June 19, 2015 at 8:32 am

Have you spoken with your own pastor about this? What did he say? Do you even have a church home? God hates divorce but forgives those who do. I don’t think the technicality is something that God will hold over you. We are all sinners but you cannot unscramble this egg….you seem to have asked for God’s forgiveness and now you must move on and serve God in a local church but I would tell the pastor about this and may God richly bless you both.


One Tricky Situation June 23, 2015 at 11:35 am

Good afternoon Pastor,

I am in need of spiritual guidance. I do have a church home and a pastor, however I was raised in that church and do not wish to consult my pastor for judgement that may be passed. I am currently dating a man who recently found Christ within the past 2 years. When he was a teenager, however, he impregnated his girlfriend and their families forced their marriage. From that union, 2 lives were created. Since they didn’t choose to marry but instead were instructed to do so, amongst a list of differences, he confessed to cheating and ultimately they divorced, he was 20. While still living in the world, he rekindled an old flame with a childhood sweetheart and they quickly moved in and within a year they were married and had a son. He was very devoted to her and deeply wanted their marriage to last. However, she wasn’t satisfied with their relationship and she cheated on him. He tried to forgive her, and work things out but she had moved on and filed for divorce; he was 25. After this he turned his life over to Christ, however due to mutual financial reasons the divorce is currently in the last phase of being finalized right now, he is 27. I am 26, never been married and have no children. We met within the past year and have been inseparable ever since. We made an impulse decision to be cohabitants, however since we both know this is wrong, we have agreed to live separately and abstain from sexual activities. He realizes the mistakes he’s made in the past and we both want to do things the right way before God. He has asked for my hand once everything is finalized and I have accepted. I made it very clear that I will only be married once and as outlined in the bible divorce will not be an option for me, and he was overjoyed to have found someone who is as all in as he is. He is a humble man, great provider, warm and kind hearted, he just made a lot of mistakes before finding Christ. My questions to you are: since he married young, cheated and divorced his first wife, married a second time, was cheated on and is currently divorcing his second wife, all prior to being saved, how does God view this particular situation? And if we are to marry, since his second marriage was ended due to her infidelity, are we then ok to enter a union? Or is he still bound to his first wife and can never remarry ever again? (Note: His first wife has remarried and now has 2 children by her current husband). We just want to live right in the eyes of the Lord, your advice as a spiritual leader is deeply appreciated pastor.


Jack Wellman June 23, 2015 at 12:07 pm

I would be very cautious. You say he has asked you to marry him and yet his divorce is not final? This man’s storied past concerns me very greatly because he says he is a Christian and yet if you read 1st John chapter 3 you’ll see some very serious issues. You might end up with him cheating again or while still married to you legally, what prevents him from asking for someone else’s hand? I know this seems harsh but I fear you can get really hurt and end up in a divorce where you’ll be trapped and have no biblical grounds for divorce. You don’t want to talk to your pastor because you fear he’ll judge you? He had confessed to adultery in his first marriage and then “rekindled?” an old relationship with another woman and then you both lived together for a while? Did this mean you had premarital sex and while he was still legally married to the wife he is still legally married to now? There are so many red flags here I don’t know where to start. I would give this much time and don’t jump into this. Let this man prove he is trustworthy. He is still biblically unfit for remarriage according to the Bible. I am not judging you but telling you what the Bible and Jesus teaches. You say you want to do the right thing and “live right in the eyes of the Lord” so now prove this and talk to your pastor…and swallow your pride for what he might say. This is too important enough of a decision to make without serious counsel.


Flavia August 7, 2015 at 1:54 am

Good evening Pastor. First of all, thank you for your article.
I’m writing to you because I’ve been feeling so confused.
I got married eight years ago, when I was 20 years old, to a christian, and son of pastor by the way. He seemed to be a godly man. However, within a few months of marriage he cheated on me, and he even confessed that he took not only one, but sometimes even a few women to our house while I was at work. I was broken hearted, and I couldn’t go on with that. My family, his family, and our pastor supported me on divorcing him. And that’s what happened.
Seven years later I met someone who is also a christian, who loves me very much and wants to marry me. At first, I thought I was free to marry again, since that’s what I’ve always interpreted from the Scriptures. Besides, it’s what my former pastor would tell me (I moved to another city and church some time after the divorce).
However, today I watched a video in which a pastor says that by no means someone who was once married can marry again, not even because of adultery. Then I started to do some research, and I found that some pastors and christians (by the light of the Scriptures) say God allows someone who was a victim of adultery to marry again, and others (also by the light of the Scriptures) say marrying again is not allowed, unless the person becomes a widow or widower.
I’m really sad and confused. I’m 28 years old now and I’m willing to marry someone who loves and respects me, and whom I’ll also love and respect, and start a family. On the other hand, I don’t want to live in a sinful manner and in a way that will not pease God.
Under the circumstances I’ve mentioned, am I allowed or not allowed by God to marry again?
I really appreciate your help.


Jack Wellman August 7, 2015 at 12:32 pm

Thank you Flavia. I believe that since he committed adultery, the marriage vows were broken and you have every right to divorce, as you did. I see nothing in the Bible where Paul or Jesus talk about not ever marrying again if they’ve had adultery committed against them. I see no reason why not. That would be like you being punished for your former husband’s adulterous affir. You must be prepared for those who will criticize you but ignore them. You only have to please God and not man.


John August 12, 2015 at 3:41 am

I have a very complex and confusing situation as well.
When I was 10 yrs old I was baptised and I have always known that Jesus was the son of God but I never surrendered my life to him. I fell into deep sin by the time I was 20. I got married when I was 25 to a divorced woman (she had divorced due to adultery in her marriage). Our marriage lasted two years and then she left me, she claimed it was over my usage of marijuana but she had another man she was interested in and within a month she had slept with him. I was not completely innocent however because I had also slept with someone during our separation. We went on through with the divorce and she has since remarried but I never have remarried.
I met a woman 3 1/2 yrs ago who was separated from her husband and going through a divorce due to his previous sexual immorality with another woman and mental abuse and we became intimate before her divorce was complete.
I got her pregnant and she had our baby before their divorce was final as well.
We are still together and 2 months ago I felt a strong conviction from God to get right with him. She felt the same conviction about the same time so we started going to church together and have both decided to give our lives to him completely. She had been baptised before at a younger age but like me she had never surrendered her life to God either and was serving herself throughout her life just as I had been doing.
I had always felt like marriage is for life (regardless of adultery) and now I fear being in a state of adultery if I marry her. I know some pastors believe in the exception clause that is found in Matthew as including adultery but it seems to make more sense to me that since it is only in the book of Matthew that it is referring to the betrothal period and not to adultery since Matthew was written to a Jewsih audience, and especially since they used the greek word pornia and not moikia.
I am feeling torn, I don’t want to raise my child in two homes but I also don’t want to be outside of God’s will and raising a child to be disobedient to God if I am living in a constant state of adultery.
My girlfriend also has 3 kids with her former husband and I don’t know whether I should walk away from this or marry her.
She has no interest in getting back with him because she says he in unrepentant of his fling with another woman although it is not 100% clear if actual sex was involved, although he does admit that they were in bed together messing around.
He is unrepentant none the less.
I no longer use marijuana and have cleaned up my act and now I just want to be right with God even if it means being alone but if I am permitted to marry her I will I just don’t want to be disobedient to God and Luke 16:18 and Mark 10:12 clearly states that a man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery (no exceptions)
Also 1 Corinthians 7 teaches that if a woman divorces her husband she is to remain single or be reconciled to him.
However every pastor I have spoke with tells me to marry her and raise the child in one home although they don’t seem to have any bible to support their advice.
I am so lost at what to do, could you please help?
Is it true that Jesus’s blood washes away a person living in constant adultery? Would it be constant adultery?
Please help and thank you very much for your time


Jack Wellman August 12, 2015 at 8:50 am

Hello John. I wish I could counsel with you face to face to know more about your story. Only you can make this decision. Apparently you have spoken with your own pastor about this? God hates divorce but He loves divorced people and you can’t undo what’s already been done. Matthew was focused on the Jews, yes, but that doesn’t mean that what Jesus taught there has no application for us, otherwise we’d have to throw out the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5) and only say that loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you was for the Jews alone and not for us. 1st Cor 7:8-10 says “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.” Is this what you mean? I cannot tell you what you should or shouldn’t do…I need to sit across from you and counsel with you in person, which I cannot. Follow your conscience, what you believe the Bible teaches and both of you go to your own pastor and pray about this very important step. I do believe that being reconciled to your ex’s is not possible as they way they are living in sin right now.


John August 13, 2015 at 4:06 am

Hello again Jack and thank you for your quick reply.
Yes I am speaking of those passages in 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul clearly tells us not to remarry if we divorce and also in Romans 7 he clearly states that if you marry someone while the other spouse is still alive it is adultery.
I don’t doubt Jesus’ love for me but I also know he commands m obedience.
My biggest fear is that on judgement day I know he will tell many to depart from him and that he never knew them and I don’t want to be one of those people.
I fear and tremble at the judgement of God so I don’t want to do the wrong thing that would lead me to have to pay eternally for in hell.
However my girlfriend and I both have given our lives fully to God now and we want to do the right thing and everyone seems to think getting married is the answer.
I agree it seems like the best thing to do from a worldly view and also from my hearts view but I knowing that the heart is treacherously wicked I’m not sure I can trust it.
Jesus said in Luke 16:15 that we seek to justify ourselves before men which makes me wonder if that is what I would be guilty of by marrying her.
I believe I would be a good husband to her and with her in my life everything is so much better in all aspects but if marrying her means adultery I don’t think I would ever be at peace with myself with the constant fear of going to hell.
Do you think Jesus forgives people in 2nd marriages and spares them from hell if they are truly trying to serve him and put him first or do you think he would view the marriage as adulterous and condemn you to hell because you remarried while the covenant spouse is still alive.
My girlfriend is rationalizing it by saying that God broke his covenant to Israel and divorced them so she doesnt think that he expects us to do something that he was unable to do and she also thinks that the covenant is broken if a spouse cheated but I am not so sure of that. I don’t see any scriptural backing for that other than that one exception for fornication which was written to the Jews who practiced betrothal.
I have also read some of the early christian writers in the first 200 yrs after Christ and they didnt believe in remarriage for any reason adultery or whatever if the covenant spouse was still living.


Jack Wellman August 13, 2015 at 9:27 am

God does hate divorce but loves divorced people. God gives us all second, third, and 70 X 7 chances. I don’t think a person that’s saved will go to hell for doing what you are considering. Someone that teaches that does not understand grace. Jesus died for all sins; just the fact that you care enough to do the right thing shows me that your heart is right with God. I admire your desire to please God. May God richly bless you whatever you do. There is, as the Bible says, no more condemnation for those in Christ (Rom 8:1)…just make sure you don’t condemn yourself my beloved brother in Christ.


John August 13, 2015 at 2:04 pm

Thank you so much for those words of reassurance, God bless you Mr Wellman.

Nat August 27, 2015 at 1:47 pm

Do you think divorced men or woman should take the breed and wine


Jack Wellman August 27, 2015 at 1:57 pm

Yes, God forgives us of all of our sins (1 John 1:9) and who among us has not sinned (1 John 1:8, 10)? Besides, maybe someone’s spouse left them and committed adultery on them and so they shouldn’t be held responsible, right?


Michelle H October 14, 2015 at 10:01 pm

I’ve wondered too about being able to remarry….I feel tortured. My husband had begun doing something to one of our children and when I found out I left and stayed away for years. He never admitted to anything but did say he was sorry and I believed him. I to return to him but he always seemed angry with me and would shut himself away. I was feeling more alone then ever so I left because of this and I keep thinking about our 2 young children and wondered how could I continue to live with a man who did such to a child and I had no guarantee it would not happen again. I left again this time never to return so he filed for divorce and married someone else. I had been alone for years. I did try dating different people but always I felt sad and very wrong and confused. I wanted to be able to find and marry someone who truly loved me after our children were grown. I have not done as I should and I beat my self up often mentally. I feel so alone and many times not sure if God even accepts me. I don’t want to die and go to hell. I realize life here is temporary. Most times I am fine but then there are almost just as many times that I feel so sad, so lonely and so burdened. If it is wrong for me to marry again is the question I have asked myself for years. My parents are devout Christians and I love them. They have always told me it would be wrong to marry again and that I must remain this way. I have not been to church in a long time and when I do I remember it is there where I met my husband and how hopelessly lonely I feel – I know it is wrong because I am there to worship God. But I often end up crying when I go to the church because I am reminded of my situation. I too look for answers on this. I am so tired of this mental/physical turmoil. I have been wanting answers too. I pray that I will remain sane and that I will get my life in order because I know Christ is soon to return and I don’t want to throw eternal life away because I made the wrong decision. I do need help and I thank you in advance for even taking time to read this and respond to me.


Jack Wellman October 14, 2015 at 10:05 pm

Hello Michelle. I am so sorry for such heartaches for you. Sometimes God will birth our greatest ministries through our deepest pains. I will pray for you my friend. God hates divorce but He loves and forgives divorced people. You are not lost. You have been through a very difficult time indeed. I know this will be hard. Be faithful for Jesus is coming, perhaps soon?


Chasity December 13, 2015 at 2:38 am

I was married at 17 and LOVED my husband very much but after 12 years of marriage he ended up cheating and divorced me. We both know the Father but he admits to being rebellious and I did cheat once after 2 years of marriage out of anger not lust if that matters.. I ended up in a new relationship and had a child but we are not married yet we are still together ..it’s been two years now that my ex husband left me but recently he repented and wanted me back but also felt bad about my new family so although I still love my ex husband I don’t know what I should do seeing as how I am not yet married to my child’s father.. we know we both SEVERELY messed our own lives up but we don’t have peace on what to do now?? I apologize for my hurried comment.


PHILLIP JAMES January 5, 2016 at 3:26 am



Jack Wellman January 5, 2016 at 5:16 pm

Thank you Mr. James. For sure, I would sit down and speak with your pastor about this face to face because he knows you better than anyone on the Internet would and know more about your situation than a reader or I would. Some believe that if a spouse leaves, let them leave, a brother is not bound in such cases but others think it’s till death so you must talk with a Christian marriage counselor who is biblically sound and gives you only biblical grounds for divorce, as your pastor is trained to do, most likely.


dan February 2, 2016 at 4:48 am

My wife wants a divorce and I’m doing my best to be kind and “Christian” in the way we proceed. Despite this divorce seems inevitable as she appears to have made the decision long before I ever knee about it. So my question is if I have no choice in the decision to divorce where do I stand biblically as far as eventually moving on goes. I’m only 29 and can’t imagine spending the rest of my life alone.


linda February 21, 2016 at 11:24 am

Pls clarify my confusion. I have a friend whose left him three years ago, he has tried reconciliation but to no avail, he has resolve to remarry and wants to marry me. In this case, is it a sin? Can I go ahead and accept.


Tommy June 28, 2016 at 3:19 pm

I’m in a relationship right now and we are trying everything in our power to follow the lords rules I’m currently divorced been that way for a little bit over 4 years i prayed to God for forgiveness for breaking that promise to him since then I’ve prayed for someone to come into my life i found her she’s absolutely everything I’ve ever prayed for!! I love her with every cell in my body but she’s currently married my question is how does God look at our situation because her husband is very abusive and cheats constantly we are trying to get her a divorce but he won’t letlet her be happy we are trying to do everything the right way we plan on marriage and family as soon as she can get a divorce the Bible says something about go forth and sin no more is this how God will look upon our situation??


Jack Wellman June 28, 2016 at 4:13 pm

Since this woman is married, the Bible is clear. Don’t touch her. Cut off that relationship because God will never bless a relationship like this. What makes you think that since she’s in a relationship with you while married, she won’t do the same thing if or when you marry her? Is your own satisfaction more important that seeking for the kingdom of God (Matt 6:33), meaning we must love God first and foremost. can you tell me why you divorced your wife? What were the circumstances? Did she commit adultery? If not, you are not free to remarry and marrying another is making you both commit adultery. Being happy is not God’s goal for our life. It is living a holy life and without holiness, as Peter states, no one will ever see God. That only leaves one other option (Rev 20:12-15; 21:8). Have you talked with your own pastor about this? Please be cautious for God will not hold those guiltless who break His commandments, especially if it is only to seek one’s own happiness.


Kennedy July 26, 2016 at 12:56 pm

I’ve read this part where it mentions marriage and divorce recently. When I got to the divorce part it kind of confused me at first, but now I understand. Thanks! 🙂 All credit to the Lord for helping me understand all that I’ve learned so far today.


Michelle August 3, 2016 at 11:25 am

I am very confused at this time. I am in my 2nd marriage, married for 31 years. It is an unbiblical marriage since I left my 1st husband. I was 17 he hit me, my pastor told me to leave him, my parents told me to leave and I was a Christian. I was saved at 8 years old. But I left him over and over for 7 months then I would go back to him, then I called him to come and get me the last time I left him and he said for me to get there myself, he was not coming to get me. I wanted to go, but it was in another town I couldn’t walk. and I started dating and filed for divorce, and dated one after another and even shacked up with a guy. Then I married my husband now, we have been married for 31 years, we are both living for God, but I have a Bible verse that bothers me and it is tormenting me. The one where we are living in adultery because I wasn’t supposed to remarry. Now I am an adulteress causing the man I married to be an adulterer. The Bible says if anyone (me) marries after divorce when I was supposed to remain unmarried, then I commit adultery. So, do I leave and be alone, do I stay, do I go back to my first husband who is married for the 3rd time, which is my fault to begin with. I have messed up everyones life an my own. Ever since we were married my current marriage, we have struggled, hard, we struggled with finances, food, shelter, and we had 1 son who is now married.

Our house burned and we had no insurance to cover it, we owed for th ehome. Is that Go saying we son’t belong together?

Should we seperate, should we stay married? I don’t know. I have begged God to show me to tell me. Adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. And since I ommitted adultery when I left and remarried, doesn;t that make this marriage a state of adultery?

I want Gods will, it would be painful for me to leave, but I would. I think I would physically die. I love this man with my whole heart. but I want God’s will, and I don’t know how to understand what to do. I have begged God to tell me. But I don’t get an answer. I don’t wnat mans opinion, I want God’s will. How do I know wht to do? Please help me before I make another mistake. Can you show me in God’s word where he says that this marriage now is legitimate and I whould stay, or not legitimate and unbiblical and I should leave and repent?
started not to respond but with a Thank you, but my husband said when he read this to that I do have legitimate reasons to leave him.
For 30 years he abused me and I chose to stay with him for 2 reasons, I had nowhere else to go and I did not want to go through another painful divorce.
After 15 years of abuse, I started to defend myself, if he hit, I hit back, though it didn’t help,, I am very skinny and he is very large. It only let him know I was standing up for myself. Though once he almost broke my nose and blacked my eye. Really hurt my wrist and fingers, choked me. He hit me while I was pregnant.
It could have been worse. I suppose I should not complain.
Yes, my dad was harsh with me but never hit my mom. I thought you would have that question.
He also appeared to be cheating which he denies and I have no proof. But he was accused of sexual harassment with words at 1 job by the manager, which she said she would get even with him for him telling about money missing. On other jobs, he appeared to be interested in other girls and on 1 job, our son even said he was flirting with one young girl.
And it is not because I don’t take care of myself, I don’t want to brag at all, but I won some beauty pageants even won Mrs. pageants. So, I don’t understand why he would stray.

I caught him one night watching tv and I never knew we got that channel, because I kept our son in church and didn’t let him watch anything bad and was strict on video games. But I caught my husband watching
Howard Stern dare a girl to pull her shorts off, and she was doing it when I walked in the room and I told him I was leaving and went to pack my things, he came and begged forgiveness, and said he would never do it again, but I have caught him looking at most anything with legs and dressed seductively. And for years he would hardly touch me only if I initiated it, We had separate bedrooms for a few years.
He would not take me to the dr, he told me to get my own way. I was very sick for a few years.
Then in the past year he has started to be different after I told him I wasn’t living that way anymore, that I had prayed for God to send me a husband who would be good to me and who would not be harsh and mean to me.
He is changing I see it, he even repented and prayed, but I don’t trust him. Though we have been together for 31 years, separation
anxiety is my fear. But I want God’s will. If he wants me to stay I will stay. I have never seen a verse in the bible that says you can divorce over abuse.
The abuse along with the alleged cheating changed me. I am angry, even bitter sometimes. Though I feel I can’t live without him.
So, I have a couple of questions..
1. Does God want me to stay? or Go back to my first husband or leave and live unmarried?
2 What am I doing to make men keep hitting me?
3. How do I know what God wants me to do?
4. Where is the bible verse on abuse?
I just want a good life, a good husband and to live for God.
How can I have that?


Jack Wellman August 3, 2016 at 11:35 am

I am sorry for such heartache. If you are married now, stay married. You cannot unscramble an egg as my good friend often said. God forgives us of all of our sins (1 John 1:9) so trust His forgiveness and don’t depend on what you feel. If this man is abusing you, you must at least separate yourself from him and according to Romans 13, this man should be turned into the police for he is a lawbreaker. I would stay where you are unless your current husband is committing adultery and if he is abusing you, call the poli8ce. A house burning down is not a sign from God…that is now how God may work. There are no Bible verses on abuse but many pastors see this as breaking the marriage vows to honor, cherish, and love his wife, which he is obviously failing at.


Ted August 5, 2016 at 7:53 pm

I am in a marriage (20 years) to a woman who was married and divorced before I met her. Her husband moved her to a new city (where we later met after the divorce) and then told her that he wanted to leave (he had started college and she suspected an affair due to his changes in behavior and attire). He told her that it was because he didn’t want kids and she did. She relented and said, “ok, no kids but please stay.” He left anyway and began a serious relationship a few months later with another woman who she said that he wanted to marry.

My confusion is that I’m not sure if what he did was considered adultery or abandonment. When I married her at 22, my pastor, during premarital counseling said that 1) sins were forgiven 2) desertion is accepted (not liked) as a scriptural divorce. My dad had told me the same thing when I talked to him about it. Maybe I rationalized scripture when I wanted to marry her.

I’ve seen a lot of viewpoints about my situation. 1) forgiven 2) were are Biblically married as she was Biblically divorced-though I’m not sure if what he did qualifies as desertion or adultery or both….which brings us to 1 Cor 7:15 or Matthew 19:3-12.

I’ve been told by some that if I do not divorce her that we are both going to hell as they say that true repentence means turning away and the only way to turn away is to dissolve the marriage. This is truly terrifying to me.

Please help. Thank you.


Jack Wellman August 5, 2016 at 9:34 pm

Hello Ted. You cannot undo what God has already happened, and since God hates divorce, divorcing your wife will do great harm to her family, and yours. No way will anyone go to hell over this since I see you’re remorseful over it. We are to confess our sins and that is what it is, but then He cleanses us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). All of our sins were ahead of us when Christ paid for them 2,000 years ago. True repentance is turning away from sin and you have, and to dissolve this marriage because of the threat of hell is wrong. Trust God’s free gift (Eph 2:8-9). For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” not have eternal life and lose it because of sin. I hope I have given you some peace my friend.


James August 11, 2016 at 1:50 am

Jack, I was married to an unbeliever, then got divorced. We both were unfaithful. I excepted Jesus’ s prayer was born again, got together with a woman that I went to school with. We were intimate outside of marriage. I joined the Army, later on we were married. Been married for 4 years, together for 5 years. I had fallen off track with the Lord. Came home after the Army, I have been unfaithful in this marriage aswell. But I excepted the Lords Prayer again. (Sincere) and I started noticing changes with in myself. The deep guilt I had felt for my many Sins. I have been going through a serious spiritual awakening. God had def tested me. I just bought a home with my wife. I have a 8 year old Son from my previous. He is with us fulltime. I just finished my Associate Degree. I have all these blessings in my Life. But I just don’t feel a connection with my wife at all Sexually intimately. Shes a wonderful person does everything. ( she’s a believer). But for some reason I have everything in my life, but I don’t have this deep sexual intimate connection with her. Everyday at some point in the day I’m thinking about the emptyness I feel. So I have ofcourse seeked the Lord. He’s been helping me. But I just dont know what to do? I have all these things, but sometimes they seem useless without having that intimate deep sexual Love in my Life. I have been repenting. I don’t have any thoughts to be unfaithful. I have stopped and turned from a great part of Sin that was keeping me in the Dark. But I’m still trying to be thankful for everything I have and be happy.


Broken October 9, 2016 at 8:23 am

Hi there. I’m a 16 year old teenager. My whole family is Christians but the thing is for the past 4 years, my father has been treating my mother horribly – not to the extend of sexual immorality. Basically their love for one another is dead and I don’t think there is actually anything else that can be done. I was wondering, if I requested for them to be divorced so both of them could be happier and they go through with it, is that wrong?


Jack Wellman October 9, 2016 at 6:33 pm

Thank you “Broken.” I would go up to your parents and sit down with both of them and tell them just how you feel, to the point of what you said here. As a father, I would hope my daughter would come to me with anything, and listen to her. Pray for that. Talk to them and tell them that you think, but there are no reasons according to the Bible why they should divorce. Jesus said with adultery, you have grounds for divorce.


Adam October 16, 2016 at 12:50 am

I’d like to reply to Godforgavemeformydivorce and clear up some facts. We obviously should not stay in a situation where we are being abused that’s a very different issue but they’re only three types of people who God allows to marry or remarry in the first place. Only those who have never been married, those who’s spouses have died, and those who’s spouse has committed adultery. There are no exceptions! So let’s say a wife divorces her husband for any reason other than adultery (and it’s important to note here that Jesus words are talking about physical sexual intercourse nothing other than that) the wife is not allowed to remarry according to Matthew chapter 19 verse nine and also Matthew chapter 5 verse 32 and everyone commenting on here needs to know that God made it very hard on purpose for us to get divorced because it is such an important institution that he created. You cannot just go “get another”. Also the only sins that are forgiven us are the ones we repent of we have to stop doing them. If the aforementioned wife enters into a second marriage Jesus has clearly stated in the verses above that this will be an adulterous marriage for the rest of their lives and that could cost you your soul. Unfortunately the church has fallen into the same trap that the world is in it’s the original lie of the devil…”Did God really say…We cannot twist scripture to make ourselves feel better or to try to change what it says. Accept his words for what they are they are the truth.


Jessica Hollopeter October 27, 2016 at 12:27 am

OK I can’t say I’m confused, because confusion is not of God. So please clear this up for me. I divorced my husband of 10 years. We’ve only been divorced for 3 weeks. I divorced him because he was caught with another woman. I have no idea if he had sex with her. Well actually I divorced him because he walked out, than came back. We went to one session and I knew my marriage was over. I’m with someone else now. We’re not married, was having sex but quit. So question is this. Am I going to hell? And can I get remarried? And if yes and no to these questions. Than why does God still speak to me? Why do the prayers that come from God through my mouth, come true if I’m going to hell?


Jack Wellman October 27, 2016 at 9:06 am

I do not believe you have biblical grounds for divorce. If you have no idea he had sex with this woman, why did you divorce him? Walking out is not grounds for divorce because he came back. I don’t know if you’re going to hell or not but I don’t believe you can get remarried according to what Jesus taught on divorce. It is Jesus’ who decides, not me, so this isn’t my opinion.


Jack Wellman August 13, 2015 at 4:10 pm

I hope it does help sir. Sometimes I feel so inadequate in helping others so your words mean a lot. Thank you.


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