How to Respect Your Husband: 7 Helpful Hints

by Pamela Rose Williams on November 25, 2011 · Print Print · Email Email

And let the wife see that she respects her husband.  That’s what Paul wrote in the second half of Ephesians 5:33. Respect is something that I believe has diminished throughout the years. So many marriages begin well and end poorly because men and women are not properly trained in how to treat one another. God has specific roles for the husband and the wife and when we stay within those roles we have happy marriages and good family lives.  Respect is something that should be mutual between all members of the family, but for this article I want to give some helpful hints for wives on how to respect their husbands. (For a related article read “How to Love Your Wife: 7 Helpful Tips”)

Respect His Leadership 

“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

God gave you your husband as the leader in your home.  This means that he is not only the Spiritual leader; he is the one who make decisions.  Women are ill-equipped to make large decisions; we are far too emotional for that big responsibility. Your part in the decision process could be to help him be the leader by providing him with information that will aid in decision-making. And remember that just because you provided information, this does not mean that your husband will consider that information.  He chooses what to use in the decision process; a wise husband will ask for his wife’s advice.  When he chooses not to consider your information and/or advice let him take responsibility for the decision, be it good or bad.  Never, ever say “I told you so” or words to that effect when a decision has gone bad.  When he makes good decisions thank him for taking that burden. Remember to avoid getting leadership and advice from other males in your life such as your pastor, friend or even your brother. Take a look at what the Bible says about your husband’s role as leader and head of the wife:

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 

Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Respect His Provision 

This is a Biblical principle that has been overlooked in our modern world.  In the day of the two-income family, we have come to depend upon the wife’s income to provide for the needs of the family. This ought not to be. Don’t misunderstand; I realize that sometimes it is necessary for a woman to work outside of the home, in the case where the husband is physically unable.  However, when your husband is able to provide for the family – let him do it! Here is the Biblical standard on the husband as the provider: 

Genesis 3:17-20 And to Adam he said, ”Because you have listened to the voice of your wife  and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ’You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you;  in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Respect His Maleness 

Accept the fact that God made you the weaker vessel. This is one of those things that have taken me many years to do.  I am a strong willed woman and many times I have tried to do things that I needed not to do. I now am thankful that my husband carries the heavy packages and opens the doors for me. He is being what God has made him to be, my protector – not only for safely sake but for my own health and well-being. You were created for him, as his helper. Let your husband be the strong one and when he is, praise him for it and thank God for him. Let him open that pickle jar; even if you loosened it for him. Here are some Bible verses for this hint:

Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

1 Corinthians 11:9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Respect as an Attitude

There are times when the husband is not respectful to the wife. This does not give you license to be disrespectful. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your reactions. You see, respect is not only seen in your actions (as a verb) but it is also seen in your attitude (as a noun). When you show an attitude of respect toward your husband he will think twice about the way that he is treating you. Love him, even when he is unlovely. Serve him, even when he seems not to appreciate your service. Listen to him, even when you may not understand what he is talking about. Be attentive to his physical needs, even when you are tired.  God will bless you and your marriage when you remember to have a respectful attitude.  Bible guidelines for this are:

Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Philippians 2:3-4 (KJV) Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. 

1 Peter 3:1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives

Respect His Reputation 

Don’t air your dirty laundry. When you are in the company of others you should never be saying things that tear your husband down. Instead you should be saying only good about him. Brag on him! Be faithful to him in thought, word and deed. This includes what you say and do in front of the children. Teach them to respect their Daddy, he is their protector too and they should see him as a hero. The Bible is loaded with this concept, here are a few verses:

Proverbs 12:7 An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 31:11-12 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 

Romans 14:19 Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 

Respect His Home 

Make your house a home, no matter what the living circumstance. Make it comfortable and clean. Make the bed. Clean up the dirty dishes. Keep up with the laundry. Your husband works hard and he deserves a cozy home after a hard day. Get up before your husband and the children – set the tone for the day.  When you have things in order your day will run smoother for your entire household. Teach the children to clean up after themselves and how to do daily and weekly chores. All this should be done without grumbling or complaining.

Proverbs 14:1 The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

Proverbs 31:15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 

Proverbs 31:27 she looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Philippians 2:14 Do all things without grumbling or questioning 

Titus 2:4-5 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Respect Yourself; Work on Being The Best Wife 

Being a wife doesn’t just happen. I am thankful that many years ago I had a group of very godly wives praying for me when I was a career-bound wife and mom. I believe to this day that they “prayed” me home! They were not perfect women, nor am I. The thing that I want to encourage you in is that there are other women out there that have been where you are. They are the women who successfully manage a home and may even have a bushel of children that they are raising as well. Learn from them. Ask them how they do it. See if there is a lady’s Bible study group in your church that you can join. Get some Christian girlfriends if you haven’t already done that.  Above all, get daily in the Word.  Pull your resources together so that you are able to have an organized time with the Lord each day. Personal Spiritual growth is essential for your relationship with God and ultimately with your husband. Redeem the time, spend time doing things that you know will please the Lord.

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Ephesians 5:15-16 (KJV) See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

Colossians 4:5 (KJV) Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time.

2 Timothy 2:15 (KJV) Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Titus 2:3-5 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Have you seen this related articles for Christian wives?

The role of the wife in a Christian marriage

Resources – The Holy Bible, King James Version, The Holy Bible, English Standard Version “Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Image: bigjom / FreeDigitalPhotos.net



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{ 185 comments… read them below or add one }

squeek February 22, 2013 at 5:58 pm

Thanks so much for this! I disagree with some things ( read the book “Boundaries”) but it has also greatly benefitted me in the way I see men in general (I am not married).this is a wonderful article, God bless :-)

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Pamela Rose Williams February 23, 2013 at 10:37 am

Hello squeek, Thank you for your comment. I must say that now you have made me curious. Which things do disagree with? Please share. I would like to respond.

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lala March 15, 2013 at 4:06 pm

Hi, Thanks for the post. I do not understand (resist to understand) most of the stuff but I intend to print this and be a good reference for my study regarding “wifely submission”. I am on that road, where I need to make some change. Being now a christian, I want to learn to be obedient, and maybe I don’t have a choice in this (no buts, and no if(s)). My husband is a great man, respectful and very patient. Ironically, he is the one who have a submissive attitude. I grew up without a male authority in my life, being an only child even, the people around me cater to my needs. So the word “submit” is entirely foreign to me. I hope your post will help me in this journey.

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Pamela Rose Williams March 15, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Hello Iala, I am so happy you took the time to comment here. I will hold you up in prayer as you seek the Lord’s definition of “submit” and grow into a lovely Christian wife. Blessings to you!

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emma March 19, 2013 at 7:21 am

I’ve heard that No Greater Joy Ministries books don’t have actual scriptures sometimes (So far I have NOT found that to be true) Really it’s the ‘new’ bibles these days that are completely misleading! They’re generated to the view of a ‘woman’s world’! These are scriptures that I found this morning alone, from a new age bible.
Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
In the KJV it says:
Genesis 2:18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”
It does not say God made us ‘fit’ for our husbands, it says he made us ‘for’ our husband. We are to form to our husbands every need, to be everything he ever wanted in a wife. By saying ‘fit for him’ it sounds like they’re saying he needs to adjust to his wife too.
Also in the book Created To Be His Help Meet – by Debi Pearl, Debbie explains what the word ‘blasphemy’ means, which is a very serious thing, but these days they changed the word to reviled.
Titus 2:4-5 and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
In the KJV it says:
Titus 2 :4-5 That they may teach the young woman to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
From what I’ve learned about blasphemy, God takes it very seriously, I wonder then why they would change the word that God found suitable for such a sin. Did they change the word each and every time through out the whole bible then? It scary that a person can try to study the bible and want to be closer to the Lord so they can teach they’re children well but with all the ‘New’ bibles around these days, the scriptures themselves are becoming misleading. That’s why I have and always will stay true to my King James Version Bible, and do everything in my power to teach my children to do the same

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Pamela Rose Williams March 19, 2013 at 8:32 am

Hi Emma. You have brought out some very good points. I pray that more would be willing to study as you have. Thank you for sharing.

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Rene March 23, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Pamela, do you believe God still tell people whom the will marry an how can I discern whether or not it was from Him or my flesh? I’ve prayed for confirmation, revelation and manifestation…I heard an inner voice saying “X will be your husband, I chose X for you”…months later my inner voice said “You and X will have a couples’ ministry…I’ve been seeking God & trying to live according to His will…the problem is X is not my fiancé Y, is though, my relationship is rocky with Y…:(

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Kris June 10, 2013 at 1:15 am

Reading this I would caution you in making any vows at this time….what ‘voice’ is ‘telling” you that someone other than the one you are engaged to is ‘the one ‘ for you !

All who follow the Lord have the ‘ministry of reconcilation’ it is not a ‘job’ or ‘vocation ‘ but the calling of all who are HIS .

The culture we live in has made ‘mammon’ out of the command for all to obey Him and to not be focused upon a ‘title”

I believe that a ‘man’s gift makes room for him’ and all in the body are to ‘be to the praise of HIS glory’

It sounds to me like more study of what marriage IS and how it FUNCTIONS to mature us as well as to ‘perfect’ [verb] those who are following Christ as helpers of each other in the growing up unto Him as well as fellowheirs together in Christ in a marriage where people are learning to love .

If you are having strife before marriage you will do well to seek how to reconcile to the LORD through the knowledge and application of His wisdom.

Still looking around and considering others while engaged is not an indication of the understanding of what marriage is which would help you avoid a life long struggle to live in the marriage while glorifying GOD and growing together .

How you minister as a couple is by way of both submitting to the Lord in learning how to love your spouse…whatever ‘fruit’ of ‘outreach ‘ comes from that is not to gain or go receive attention to YOU but to the Lord.

Much of what passes for ‘ministry ‘ today and especially what is visible is not according to the way the scriptures reveal our lives are to present Christ .

Luk 16:15 And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts:FOR THAT WHICH IS HIGHLY ESTEEMED AMONG EN IS AN ABOMINATION IN THE SIGHT OF GOD.

Or as they say …be careful what you pray for .

What we need to desire is HIS glory and HIS will …starting with the basic …FIRST commandment which is to love GOD with ALL ….heart, soul , mind and strength

Does the man you marry understand this and desire to learn to love YOU AS HE loves HIMSELF?

Many go into the ministry ‘ with the idea of helping others…much of this is the influence of Humanism rather than the way scripture instructs us . If we can learn to be content with what is godly and in responding to the ‘little things’ esteemed by the world but are great in the eyes of GOD then we will see people loving their spouses which is far more effective to ‘minister’ grace unto those who are wandering in the darkness seeking to learn the ‘purpose of life” and marriage in particular.

In short MARRIAGE IS MINISTRY. It is not a ‘ticket’ to a wonderful life but may bring forth MUCH that is wonderful when understood and functioned within God’s instruction.

May you find yourself in deep consideration of this issue in study of the Word for your decision for LIFE with whomever you determine to marry.

Husband for life,
His [Jesus] for Life and eternity.

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Kim April 16, 2013 at 10:15 am

I loved this article, great points! Many I have down to a science and a few I have to work on. I am a Christian woman/wife, i have submittted to my husband and i try to put God 1st with all things in our marriage but i am FAR from perfect…aka a work in progress.

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charity April 21, 2013 at 3:59 pm

reading this article on respect and the other one on roles of Christian wives has really opened my eyes. I struggle to submit or take instructions from my husband, I always feel that he just likes to send me around or order me around. I don’t usually see him as the head of the household. I want to change, be the wife to him that God created me to be. I love my husband, but I guess growing up without a male role model … I am not surprised!!

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joyce April 22, 2013 at 1:40 am

i hear all what your article is saying, shuuu how do you do all that when you are working, and the only one who seems to want to get anything done in the house, and the 1st to leave home for work in the morning, and still have to look after two boy toddlers…cook and clean the house???? really im willing to do all there is to do, but can I?

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Pamela Rose Williams July 7, 2013 at 10:23 pm

Hello Joyce, Please forgive me for my very tardy answer to your question. You must hand it over to God and not take it back. Believe that He will resolve the issues in your marriage. Pray earnestly that God helps you to prioritize your time. Do you spend time with the Lord before you leave for work in the morning? Perhaps a renewed relationship with the Lord will cast some light on this situation which has you so very down. Pray that He helps you to take great joy in all that you do … even if you are the only one doing it. When you continue to put everyone before yourself, He will bless you for it. It is a measure of faith Joyce. Pray that God gives you the measure of faith that you need to do all that needs to be done and still have time for your husband. I suggest you meditate on Philippians chapter 2. God loves you and wants you to be filled with joy. True joy comes only when you are walking closely with the Spirit … it is part of that fruit of the Spirit that we read about in Galatians 5. I will pray for you, truly I will.

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joyce July 9, 2013 at 6:43 am

yhuuuu Iv only seen your response now and Im touched in fact tearing that someone was praying for me when I did not even know it…when you say “truly I will” I had an instant faith that I can do this, I can keep pushing until I get it right, but must also tell you that it has only been a month and I dont believe what my husband is going through. His relationship with the Lord is getting better and better each day, and hes suddenly changed and is so loving and trying his best. I have never been so happy in 7 years of my marrriage. May God richly bless you and you Ministry. I have no doubt you were reading my heart and not my email…and only the Spoirit of God can help you do that.

God bless you. This is not the last Im talking to you.
I love you,
Joyce

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nikki May 9, 2013 at 6:00 pm

i am trying to become submissive to a Godly man who i want as my husband. he wants to live in my house…but i run my house and it is difficult to submit. i told him of this difficulty and that i preferred him to provide a place for me rather he enter into my home…currently he is not financially able to do so. i want to submit but im feeling like he shouldn’t be seeking a wife if he can not provide a place for her to live…he is actually living with his parents while i am financially stable living on my own. he actually causes my living expenses to go up and i can not afford him. what should i do if i love him and he loves me also and we both love the Lord. our only issue is financial.

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phishing4men May 10, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Coming from a man 73 yr old, married 53 years….if there is any doubt…don’t. Faith has no doubting. He should be willing to show you his love by getting a job that will provide for you not you for him. There is good cause for your feeling about him needing to be able to provide for a wife. God speed..

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Kris June 10, 2013 at 1:34 am

First of all if I may comment on this ….A WIFE is to submit to HER husband …not every man that seems to feel that he is to take charge of all of the women in the fellowship.

Marriage is a distinct jurisdiction that is the priviledge and responsiblity of a man who asks GOD by way of the wedding vows to take over the care of a woman …until marriage the woman is ideally under the jurisdiction of her father.

In our day and time and culture this protective aspect of a woman’s life is not practiced but by a few who have taken time to learn from the Word about the domain and responsibilities of a husband.

A man who is not prepared to lead a woman and family spiritually or take over financial responsiblities is NOT prepared to marry.

Few realize this either in our ‘gender neutral ‘ perspective of society.

Respect is not just for the woman TO the man but for BOTH toward GOD . A man who is not investing himself to learn his responsiblities will become dissatisfied and a burden to a wife.

He will become demoralized by way of his own lack of industry and knowledge.

A man raised to believe it is the woman who must care for him is mistaken. Read the book ‘Missing FROM Action’ to learn how the Godly order and priorities of the household was disrupted during the Industrial Revolution which effectively took men away and out of the home from their function as head and chief trainer of sons. Women were also left without the need of their cottage industry and they became moved to be influenced by those who excited the earliest sufferage and eventual feminist movement.

Child rearing became the ‘job’ of teachers and females mostly who are wonderful nurturers but boys prior to this time were usually taken under the tutelage of their fathers or apprenticed to men for a trade …but more so to learn the ways and responsibilities of manhood.

Boys raised by mostly women and put into schools designed more appropriate to the way a girl learns has caused boys to be raised by those who are more prone to comfort their various hurts rather than learning to take the blows and learn to suffer for the sake of their wives and children …suffer the sacrifice of pleasure seeking and comfort for themselves often at the expense of their families.

This was intended by the agenda of those who sought to change society ..for as long as children remained under the tutualage of fathers who taught them as Deut instructed them to do …boys grew into men. There were no stunted characters which shrivel from the responsiblities of manhood to their destruction and damage of their families.

It is understandable that you would like to marry and enjoy this kind of help , protection and provision of all that marriage was intended to provide. But marriage to a man who is no knowledgable of the ways he must live IN marraige will become a very difficult and harsh life despite your efforts to engage and act as a wife is instructed to do.

Our life IN CHRIST will be inspired by instruction and knowledge of His word but it is activated and empowered by His love working IN those who are willing to pursue learning and applying the truth to their thoughts, words, deeds and ongoing growth.

Do you think this is what this man is capable of doing ? Does he pray with you and your children …So far you may do well to ask him to get his own place since you are NOT married so that he does not confuse his state and station in your life.

He seems to be taking advantage of a ‘good thing’ FOR HIM and that is not a good indication of his being prepared to lead and love a wife.

This also causes him to have some ideas from this arrangement that would only cause him to make assumptions about what is expected of him in marriage.,

In my humble but assertive perspective …perhaps you should “rethink” this man as a prospective future spouse….????

Rom 13:10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love [is] the fulfilling of the law.

It should never be a matter if the woman ‘can afford ‘ a man!!! HE is “out of order” according to the way GOD intends a marriage to work…. and you are going down a very unwise path…..!

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Xanax May 12, 2013 at 6:28 pm

Your write-up features verified necessary to myself. It’s really educational and you are naturally extremely educated in this field.
You possess opened up our eye for you to varying thoughts about this subject along with intriquing, notable and strong written content.

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fiona May 16, 2013 at 8:36 am

am hapi for what GOD is doing through you,Even as hes using u to teach and mend homes,GOD bless your heart and keep yours too.AMEN.

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Edwige May 21, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Thank you very much Pam, for that great biblical write up, it came at the right time, just when i’ve made up my mind to start giving my husband back his abusive words thrown at me like an animal at the slighthest mistake. I’ve been married for about 2yrs now with a child. Am a christian growin in my relationship with God, i’ve tried to plead with him to reconsider the rude and inconsiderate way he talks to me not minding who is around or where we find ourselves, i have no doubt dat he loves me but he does very little to show it. Makes me cry allways, i’ve been praying about it all along but it seems God doesnt want ro answer me, it can be so frustrating my frnd. He uses words like “please travel somewhere and give me a break, am too young for any marrital stress, ur stomach is too big, ur legs are too tinny, do u have head? Are u stupid? Are u mad? An going to make u unhappy”……. To mention but a few. What am i to do? As far as he’s cocern, the responsibility of making our marriage is 70% on me so any write up that says otherwise is a no read for him. Pls pray for my marriage. God bless u and urs.

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joyce May 22, 2013 at 1:29 am

Pamela can you please try answer my question, really I was not been naive or anything. I want answers. theres nothing we do together. i do with my money as I see fit and even do things that he should be doing. Im not sure if I lack appreciation or what. but it has been almost 8 years inmarriage and Im so hopeless and have even strated antidepressant cos I jst dont know wht to do. constant arguments, unrealistic expectations…how can I really be submissive…

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Pamela Rose Williams July 7, 2013 at 10:25 pm

Se my answer above Joyce … so sorry for my delayed response.

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thambu May 26, 2013 at 5:10 am

This so beautiful i love it so much and i chose to keep it to use everyday for guidance but very unfornately i lost my man due to irrespectful behaviour and bad attittude.I wish i found earlier..

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thambu May 26, 2013 at 5:12 am

i still pray to GOD to bring him back and i will do and practice everything that i have learned here to keep him..still love him much.

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Kris June 10, 2013 at 2:28 am

I grieve for these women married to abusive men ..YES it is ABUSIVE to slander the woman they marry.

Pro 14:16 A wise [man] feareth, and departeth from evil: but the fool rageth, and is confident.

They demonstrate ignorance, selfishness , and display to all through this disgraceful behavior that they are NOT OF the LORD and DO NOT KNOW what LOVE is .

Their ignorance of the Word is on display for all to see even if they do it in their home …because the countanence of their wives is a reflection of this treatment.

A man who treats his wife disrespectfully is broadcasting that he does not think much of his choice of a wife! that he is a FOOL !

21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his OWN flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

The WIFE is ONE FLESH with her husband …what damage he does to HER he does to himself.

Here if he is a believer which I pray he is …HIS instructions for him to continue to be ‘heard’ by the Lord has a great deal to do with his attitude and treatment of HIS WIFE.

1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

“Weaker” vessel is not in reference to physical strength as there are women physically more strong than some men, but this is referring to the aspect of godly design that women are usually more sensitive emotionally.

Marital developing care and tenderness relies upon a MAN obeying this command to protect his wife from his OWN carnal aspects as a man who is following Christ should be concerned to learn to govern anyway.

His ongoing concern to learn about his OWN WIFE …rather different from the worlds opinion that ‘women cannot be understood’ which is NOT what they should be concerned about
For the good of the man and the marriage as well as the wife and children HUSBANDS are commanded to study and learn about their own wife.

Today many are concerned about many outward things yet neglect the very things GOD has provided for our developing and the growth together in the relationship that is next in importance to the one we are to have with HIM.

Does the word of GOD not say this too?

Pro 18:22 [Whoso] findeth a wife findeth a good [thing], and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

Pro 19:14 House and riches [are] the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife [is] from the LORD.

Ecc 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that [is] thy portion in [this] life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.

Mal 2:14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth,
against whom thou hast dealt TREACHEROUSLY: yet [is] she thy companion, and the wife of thy COVENANT.

Mal 2:15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.
Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.

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Jamie June 29, 2013 at 5:09 pm

I am so thankful that I found this website.I have been struggling with respecting my husband every since I found out he was cheating on me from just before our wedding and for several months afterwards. He’s still pretty tight lipped about what he really did and very defensive about me finding out by going through his emails. I want to forgive him and move on even though I’m having trouble trusting him now more than before. I agree with a lot of the strategies listed and cannot wait to implement them.

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Jack Wellman June 29, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Hello Jamie. I am so sorry my friend. I would pray for His salvation, if he is not already saved. God alone can change the human heart (Prov 21:1) and that is so good that you want to implement the biblical ideas here. It is hard to trust but I would not go thru his emails for that would seem to destroy any trust but that is my opinion. I will pray for you Jamie.

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Pamela Rose Williams July 7, 2013 at 10:14 pm

I am so glad you stopped by Jamie. I will be sure to add you and your husband to my prayer list as you do what you know will please the Lord. Perhaps you can consider having a joint email box and closing any personal email boxes that you have. This will help build trust for the pair of you.

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Kris June 29, 2013 at 7:19 pm

Jamie

How sorrowful this is for you …but God is still YOUR savior and mine….keep on seeking out the Lord in His word. Those who have dealt with this most painful sin have great empathy for your heart break . YET there is hope in the way the Lord will weave victory into even this situation.

Hang in there !

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Tenagne July 7, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Thank you for all these Bible lessons. They are wonderful. Lots of good stuff in it. Its substance from the Bible, I learned a lot as I was preparing to teach about marriage to s group of women.

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Pamela Rose Williams July 7, 2013 at 10:11 pm

You are most welcome Tenagne, I am happy that you have learned and will be able to go on to teach other women as well. Blessings to you!

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Mrs. Smalls July 11, 2013 at 12:04 pm

I came across this while searching “how to honor my husband”. We are going through a tough season and I asked him to write down all of the things that he did not like about me. I received a three page list. One of the things he wrote was that I do not honor him or that I don’t respect him as my husband. I have not responded to him yet because I’ve been in prayer asking for God to show give the right words. I desperately want to honor my husband. However, I don’t receive anything from him ‘to honor’. Things are broken around the house that never get fixed, he doesn’t help at all with the children – I work full time as well, the grass doesn’t get cut timely, the car is never clean, trash can stays full for 2 days, while he sleeps, eats, or watches tv. So, I’m at a loss of how I can honor him.

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Kris July 11, 2013 at 3:14 pm

Everything that people know about marriage from the world and the flesh is BACKWARDS and UPSIDE DOWN .

The Biblical exhortation has been twisted and taken out of context subtly and passed along to those of us who maybe did not learn it or read it …but READ the BOOK we MUST personally and with an eye and ear toward the author who is capable and willing to teach us if we are willing to hear what He will show us!.

Most books on marriage and love are read by women …as it were men have been prone to not ‘ask for directions’ yet in the Bible it is the HUSBAND who is commanded the most in the way to LOVE HIS WIFE so that HE will be respectable!

The books I found to explain a lot of why men today have been grown up to become more and more ignorant of what priviledge they have in getting a wife and what the function of marriage is in maturing them …has been pretty much replaced by the entitlements and basic spoiling of young men being raised apart from biblical manhood.

Even in churches there is a stressing of how the wife is to respect her husband …the submission is often more emphasised by men that the woman is submit to the husband but they fail to read that ALL believers are to SUMBIT to the LORD

The Lord being the head of the man and the man to be ‘head ‘ of their own wife ….is being viewed through a fleshly and worldly lens of that word ‘head’ …”Head ‘ is not “boss ‘ or ‘lord ‘ as in lord over …Jesus said that the greatest among them would be servants …serving the LORD and thus obeying HIS command to learn from HIM what it means to ‘lead’ and ‘head’ up a marriage relationship

A man who obeys GOD will find that his wife grows in her respect of HIM

Some teach that the ‘greatest need of a husbnad ‘ is to be respected….and place a demand upon the wife to respect him regardless of his behavior .

In no other venue of life do we see this operate…to be respected from the heart is a FRUIT of behavior.

To love the wife as Christ loved the church as GAVE HIMSELF for her has not brought about repect from every person but those who are OF the Bride do want to please Him and respect HIM by way of wanting to learn more and more what HE has instructed us to do.

It seems your husband knows just enough of God’s word to use it to bash you with it.

This is not uncommon…God’s word is corrective not so much to get what we want but for us to learn HOW we might do what HE asked of us . It is beneficial in that sowing what GOD says we ought to do will be fruitful in time as we learn to do WHAT he has told us in all venues of our living out our life.

God will supply the wherewithall but many times we try to carry out fragments of His word by our own ability and strength …it gets ‘old’ and ‘hard’ when we are doing it for the wrong reason.

Some marital materials tell people WHAT to do …but the WAY we do things must be from the heart…the heart before ‘circumcision’ by way of the WORD applied to our thinking will be harder to open to His ways.

The man who approaches his wife as if he has ‘respect coming’ but does not do HIS duty in obeying GOD’s word concerning HIS responsibilities creates his own problems and like Adam puts the blame on either his wife…God or maybe others

Nothing changes when we do not address the real difficulty …changing the oil in a car that needs spark plugs still does not fix the problem

God created man first…and commanded the husband to love his wife sacrificially …but this is also the same way GOD told the person who wants to follow Jesus …it starts with ‘deny ‘ ones SELF

That does not mean we go lacking …but when we change LORDs then life begins to change..as we do what our LORD tells us is the best and right way to operate in our bodies and minds…and life.

If marriage is to grow us up and cause the kinds of things that bring about it’s best fruit then we must make use of our abilities to learn and choose .

To act upon what GOD told men and men who are husbands will no doubt fix this problem as it seems YOU have been willing as many godly women are to find out what YOU can do to fix or help your husband have his best life.

Young men are not raised up under the tutalage of other men at the age when in the biblical times and after they were trained in manhood…being sacrificial was one of those aspects learned…Being raised by women is good for toddlers as they need the nurture and emotional empathy that women are prone to give…but it becomes destructive to manly strength of character to be continually coddled and having all desires addressed …to keep you happy!

To strive to be happy and comfortable is one of the things I found addressed will in Jimmy Evans Marriage on the Rock….seminar…also a great book explaining how men are to be initiator and woman are designed as responders answers a lot of the questions =for men as to why they are not ‘getting’ what they believe their wives ‘ should ‘supply for them…that is upside down.

Many have been led astray to the loss of their marriages by some of these false impressions and teaching.s.

One such foul deterrent to man being satisfied with his wife has been Alfred Kinsey …see the video The Kinsey Syndrome to learn more about this heinous attack upon marriage and family that started with lying science back in the late 40′s and 50′s

Also see Ken Nair’s “Understanding the Mind of a Woman’ for more info.

So many good resources and I have thousands …since D DAY especially to help me learn why we as a culture are in this state now ….’

Also a great book that helps explain the loss of how father’s training of young boys to become men …”Missing FROM Action’ …by Weldon Hardenbrook and Terry Somerville found on Amazon….

It is not that we do not have answers …it is now that we must SEARCH OUT those answers with the foundation of the Word of GOD to put the light of truth upon what is what.

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Kris July 11, 2013 at 3:53 pm

An added thought …..The Bible was given to man as a ‘mirror’ for him to learn what God’s standards are for our learning to love God the way HE defines it …IT exposes where we are not living that way ….some do not like to be made aware of sin’s ‘shortfall ‘ and buy into the lie that ‘God does not exist’ or ‘God is unfair’ or ‘this is the only life you get’ or ‘you will have another life after this in order to ‘get it right’

ALl are ways to avoid the labor of life….the quick , easy , ‘fix’ for what ails you

All advertisers have caught on to this lie

Funny most people know that labor , effort and stretching of ones abilities are required for all aspects of life…including the labor to enter into this WORLD

THrough media and other means of presenting marriage as if there is nothing but happiness to be expected …people are led to believe that if they get the ‘right’ partner it will never be hard.

Growing up in a family where there as little demonstration of working through difficulties whether parents never allowed their kids to observe them dealing with differences …or perhaps fathers who traveled and were gone a lot …plus the various fantasies of media that we grow up with ,..and lacking the experience of a culture that dissuades sin by having tolerated , accepted and then wants to legalize all kinds of sin …we do not realize that if some aspect of marriage is ‘wrong ‘ to us ….it is to be worked through

THe bible tells us that the wife is FOR the husband …and people read that and think …oh ..she is like HIS PROPERTY …and he may feel so to entitled to various desires and dreams he may have had that she is supposed to be for him

.1Cr 11:9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.
THe Bible says this because in truth the woman is like how the word of God is to be useful to show us what we need and then we go to God to find out what to do to fulfill what HE wants us to be and do.

She is to be his way of coming to realize what he might learn to do in better loving , serving and obeying the Lord ….so he goes back to find out !

If he is harsh…demanding and his wife is doing her best to please him he may not notice…this does not give the wife license to behave ungodly …for she has her own commands from GOD

But the onus is upon the MAN to learn what HIS responsibilities to GOD in that HE is ordained to be the representative of Jesus Christ and demonstrate how Jesus loved HIS bride….no matter how his brides condition when he came and loved us first..

This offends some in our time …and is certainly difficult for men to take because feminism has caused them to more or less be offended by women in general

Women in the work place have also not realised that this has put them in a place where traditionally men have been in COMPETITION with one another …they may carry that attitude toward all women as women are now in competition in the work place for the same jobs!

This attitude is destructive in marriage but may be carried home from the office …the wife is not as other women and husbands are commanded to understand their own wife not women in general as our culture and work places demand .

A man will be ‘trained ‘ to see his own wife as competition, or even an enemy to his own desires and goals if he is not aware of this and learns to build up a godly attitude from his own personal relationship with the Lord.

The wife is someone who lives in such close context with a man that she is a ‘mirror’ or a litmus test for the man to become aware of how well he is obeying GOD in concern with how he treats her.

In short the Bible is our mirror to see how we are doing in obeying GOD …the wife is also a ‘mirror’ for the man to see how he is doing in obeying GOD.

If he treats her as GOD tells him to …does not boss or lord over or treat her as an object or employee…{ althoughI would have even enjoyed being treated as well as an employee of my husband !]How he treats her will cause a lot of things to begin to grow in her ways …and thus the marriage which will directly effect him AND how he lives among others.

This is something many have not realized and continue to blame their wives for how their lives are ‘not satisfying’ ….something for them to think about .

Your wife is not your competitor , or enemy …or possession ..she is given to you as a uniquely equipped reflector of your loving obedience toward the Savior

This of course is for those who are concerned about how GOd has directed us from the context and content of HIS WORD.

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Iseethetruth7 July 18, 2013 at 12:04 am

I just want to say thank you Kris. i have been so frustrated by some other internet writers who scold and blame women in demeaning ways. I was getting so tired and fed up with their articles. They even write these lists of 25 or 50 items and tell wives we should do them and that we are so selfish and cruel to our husbands and that we must follow these lists.
They never write things for the husbands to do. It is so imbalanced and unfair. I feel like crying sometimes. You calmed me down because I and some other women were at the boiling point and getting frustrated to the point where we were rebelling and even beginning to dislike marriage writers and not want to do anything for our men.
I was getting to the point where I would avoid my husband and sleep on the couch, because I was telling myself that if I (as a woman and wife) am that terrible and that wrong to my husband , after all the stuff I do to please him, then I will just stay out of his darned way. I do a lot Kris. You wouldn’t beleive it if I told you. I was so angry I felt like cheating on him just to say since I am so terrible and have all these things to do, then I will cheat to hurt you for putting all this work on me an still blaming me and not taking responsibility as a man. You are saving me from hating my husband and boy was I getting there. See what many, many, many, people do not realize is that wives need respect and honor too. I know I need respect. I do not want to be demeaned or degraded. Thank you Kris. I will continue to read your articles.
Please spread your word on the internet and tell others how women really are needy of YOUR approach and your words. Thank you , thank you Kris!!!!!

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phishing4men July 18, 2013 at 11:52 am

Do you?

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Iseethetruth7 August 1, 2013 at 12:08 pm

Again thank you Kris, but not to these nasty men, on this site who have written some condescending comments about women.

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Kris August 1, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Iseethetruth7

Thank you for the encouraging words. It seems that when we endeavor to live rightly and things STILL ‘go South’ we have cause to wonder what the heck is going on here !

So it is that we either ‘solder on’ continuing to ‘try’ to do the best we can OR we come to the ‘ah ha’moment and realization that there is another way …a truly RIGHT way ….THE ONLY way that ‘works’ and brings forth the “peaceable fruit of righteousness’

Hbr 12:11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Moreoften times than naught ..it is not anyone who does this ‘chastening ‘ apart from the consequences of either our ignorance or some wrong teaching about what we may do …at least among those who are TRYING to live rightly!

In our present culture steeped in Humanism, relativism and situation ethics grown from the disinformation of there being “no absolute truth” and having moved in greater numbers to a post Christian …post modernism ‘new thought’ worldview based upon layers of lies and fables over several generations confusion reigns!

It foments like black mold under the house rotting the foundation which soon brings forth many ‘symptoms’ but no obvious answers to those who know not the truth.
Not realizing the lack of the foundation which God told us we must have to survive and thrive…people are led to hopelessness….and then anger and rebellion….it is everyone’s fault but their own !

Not wanting to believe any such truth exist we see that many keep trying out ways to get through life with some sort of ‘happiness’ ..no matter how fleeting!

We see the outcome of the mess of a chaotic and desperate population run amuck in self worship and self indulgence!Or believing it their “right’ to such!

Pro 14:12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof [are] the ways of death.

Jer 10:23 O LORD, I know that the way of man [is] not in himself: [it is] not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

These impl,y if not shout to us that MAN is NOT capable of having the kind of outcome that he hopes for even with his wonderful head knowledge …his heart betrays him …and this is NOT just a gender specific difficulty ..in this case ‘man’ is understood as mankind . Why ? Because we are born dead , in trespasses and sin and are lacking the spirit of God by which we may understand the spiritual things of God’s God breathed Word which Jesus TOLD us IS …His spirit and LIFE itself.

If we would know how to live life rightly …or ‘righteously’ we have need of HIS TRUTH …by way of His Spirit bringing about understanding …which it to be ‘impregnated ‘ by the incorruptible SEED ….aka HIS WORD …and that word must be received not with a casual or indifferent attitude by a heart which is hungry …and thirsty and recognizing the poverty of spirit that Matt chap five speaks to us about

OUR hearts otherwise will deceive us …as the natural state of man receives NOT the things of GOD because they are spiritually discerned …The natural or ‘carnal’ mind is at ENMITY against God.

Thus the state of those who know not GOD’S truths because they are not as yet born from above by His spirit have only their own thoughts …usually formed through other aspects of this world .They do not have the resource from outside this realm of the natural or material world to be equipped to understand from the perspective of the Creator who made the mind of man and knows what man does not and has not in order to SEE and to understand ..which comes from being meek to receive and then to DO

Obeying the Word of GOD with an eye to pleasing GOD is not a natural state …it is something we RECEIVE but our attitude has a lot to do with how teachable we are toward the process which is known from the Word of God as the ‘renewed mind’ …

This mind of Christ is not gained by ritual, or study and memorization but application with response to how that Word ‘counsels’ from within.

In order for that to happen a person must be willing to take that Word in not just to his mind but to his heart.

Mal 2:2 If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay [it] to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay [it] to heart.

I do not see this as GOD directly ‘cursing ‘ man …but as with Adam and Eve …the ‘curse’ came upon the ground as a CONSEQUENCE resulting from disobedience to the command of GOD

This attitude of Independence from God’s Lordship left them in the realm of the five senses and vulnerable to the influences from the enemy of GOD who was in the form of a Serpent. We see from the ‘conversation’ who this is whose ‘function’ was not FROM GOD but was in the jurisdiction of the MAN who was told by God even before Eve was taken out of man …to KEEP THE GARDEN and to SUBDUE all things within that realm

Thus I became aware of this as I notices that while this serpent was engaging Eve …Adam stood right there “WITH ” her …HE did nothing …It was HIS responsibility as directed by God to ‘keep the garden’ …under this command it seems he COULD have and SHOULD have eliminated the serpent …or at the very least seeing this going on he might have stepped in and reminded Eve of exactly WHAT the words were in what GOD told HIM to tell Eve.

Even if Adam ‘could not remember’ what GOD had told him ..it was the ONLY commandment that was prohibitive and actually was not restrictive at all but PROTECTIVE.

In this we may observe that as Adam did nothing to stop the deceptions which Eve’s conversation indicate were going on as we see she deleted the word ‘freely’ …then added the word ‘touch’ and then ‘softened” the command by making God’s sure word into a ‘maybe ‘ …saying ‘lest we die’ when GOD said ” IN THE DAY ye eat of it thou shalt SURELY DIE” ….

But Adam did nothing …perhaps he thought God would ‘go easy ‘ on Eve since she was not present when Adam was given this command but was given the responsibility to instruct Eve…thus we see once again the foundation of man being given the privilege to lead ..to teach …and as “head’ being ‘source of life’ …providing truthful instruction ..relaying what GOD said and in the way GOD intended it to be understood …because before he disobeyed, Adam had the direct and undefiled access to God at that time…AND he had the instructions to not only ‘keep the garden ‘ but to ‘subdue all animals and live stock…’ in order to PROTECT …not only EVE but the whole realm of the earth at that time

Note that in the Bible fallen man or carnal man is often referred to as a ‘beast’ ….man’s urges unrestrained by his obedience to GOD results in his “not taking dominion over ‘ animals…So in a w sense fallen man has been instructed to ‘rein’ in his carnal or flesh by way of seeking out the truth of how GOD tells us to live …not to inhibit was is that good design of GOD but to keep a guard on his own flesh so it does not lead him into destructive sin which also will damage anyone under his jurisdiction.

In this all of fallen people are in need of this …but lacking this knowledge and also the will to acknowledge it as truth and then govern one’s own flesh by obeying the LORD …we see that we have ‘all sinned and come short of the glory of GOD” …lacking the first things…which is ‘the fear of GOD is the BEGINNING of knowledge’ destructive choices continue to be made ..thinking that if it ‘feels right’ then it must be ‘good’ !

Nothing could be further from the truth . FEELINGS are one of the gateways to destruction for us all.

Apart from GOD a man cannot determine what is truth

Adam and Eve already HAD ALL of what the Serpent offered them …as with Jesus in the temptations in the wilderness the LIAR …the enemy of the soul of man is STILL using the same old tactics…the Devil is NOT original …He is NOT EQUAL to GOD but was a creation OF GOD. He had freedom to choose and in his vanity and lust to TAKE the jurisdiction and privilege of GOD ‘S ‘station” he led the rebellion of some of the fellow angels ..and in their defiled state the depravity spread …The rebellion was NOT tolerated and they were ejected from heaven.

Failing to have his own dominion he observed the making of man in God’s own image and determined to take what man was given

Man was ‘like god’ in that he had freedom to choose. God wanted to be loved for Himself and demonstrated being worthy to be so. Man was given choice because love is ‘proved’ by obedience…which demonstrates putting something before one’s own desires…Man was made to worship GOD …and obedience is the ‘coin’ of the heart in terms of determining WHAT or WHO we love.

God demonstrated His love by preparing the perfect setting and then providing what man needs which is something to DO …in this case ‘ to have his own dominion to take care of and God provided man with access to Himself in order for man to learn how to carry this privilege and responsibility out to make sure it was done perfectly.

The fact that mankind is going to be called to account for what GOD tells us we will be held accountable indicates that GOD expects us to do what HE has made available all the equipping and enablement for us to DO SO>

Especially after Christ came and corrected the various doctrines and practices basically the understanding through His life and testimony and then paid and paved the way for us to have unobstructed access to GOD once again .

Adam lost this through his disobedience and neglect of keeping GOD has his source for learning ….

And Jesus Christ corrected our state by way of offering the access by way of our becoming cleansed by HIS sacrificial life …AND demonstrating who he is …by raising up from the dead!

We may live IN all of what HE did and made available by way of entering into HIM …thus becoming part of HIS BODY .

This body is spiritual and not seen in this realm but it also empowers us to OBEY His Word and thus begin to be ‘transformed by the renewing of the mind ‘ to ‘put on the mind of Christ ‘ …which does not mean JUST learning and knowing but LIVING IN IT .

When we are offensive as fallen or unlearned creatures we are going to be selfish, abrasive and disappointing …and sometimes abusive as a person serving their one flesh may KNOW what they do is wrong and hurtful but they will manage their feelings with lies like ‘ the end justifies the means’ or ‘it is a battle of the fittest’ or ‘only the strong survive’ …justifications abound and in those who cheat they are cliche …

This is because all of the justifications we may come up with to do what our fleshly urges promote are coming from the same old Serpent…the influence as Jesus identifies it as ‘The FATHER OF LIES”

Deception opens up a ‘door’ the thinking of a person who is ‘unarmed’ with truth . Without any knowledge of God’s Word he will not be able to ‘argue ‘ with those deceitful thoughts .

The defense for those who desire to overcome in this world is just as Jesus demonstrated for us in how he dealt with the temptations in the wilderness “IT IS WRITTEN” …He always overcame by the word of his testimony .

Today’s men are defensive much in part due to their lack of knowing what it is TO BE A MAN ….They are offended to hear that ….but WOMEN also have been deceived.

The various ways that man read terms in the Bible some time ago ..led them to abuse their jurisdiction… Through selfish ambition to get life the way they wanted…back when men were the only ones who had scrolls …among them grew up tares who turned the Word of GOD to their fleshly benefits.

The cultural effects were women were not treated the way that GOD instructed. Not all men …but as time went by the enemy of GOD inspired men who cast off obeying God’s word …to rise up in the ranks of those who sought to know GOD and became teachers…teaching for doctrines the commandments of men …things that were flesh pleasing …using and abusing those weaker than themselves …depending upon the time and place we see records of conquerors throughout time whose view of others as ‘mammon’ ….making merchandise of other people

This was NEVER the message from GOD to man …but as corruption of the man grew …his mind being decieved by his emotions …the avenue into the minds of humans opened by sinful decisions and actions grew a larger and larger access to the spirits who were cast out from heaven.

The influences upon the mind of man which does not put on the whole armor of GOD as instructed by GOD …will not be able to ‘quench the fiery darts of the wicked’

The warfare is NOT CARNAL …not of our own ability but is SPIRITUAL and thus the holy spirit provided by way of the WORD which Jesus told us IS spirit …not just ‘known’ but LIVED which actually makes it ONE with us …so that we are able to realize what is going on all around us and even realize what has been going on IN us as when we did not have it or realize this truth

In truth we do not know what we do not know . The world as we have thought it was is NOT anything like what we thought.

The only way to know truth THE Truth is to come to know HE WHO IS TRUTH.

This is offensive to those who do not know the truth and do not care to be informed of how far they are from it …so that even if you offer it kindly or gently….the Spirit of GOd which IS the Word …is going to offend those who love sin ..and do not want to live with accountability …they want teachers to tell them what they want to hear …to hear they are find ‘just the way they are ‘

This is the state of fallen man before he may come to Christ

Once coming to Christ the next assault is to cause a believer to leave off reading and taking instruction from the Word and the Lord Himself .

If at all possible to get people to neglect reading of the scriptures or to get them to stop examining what they are being taught by going back to scriptures to see if it is so as the Bereans are brought to mind …then they will not realize when deceptions are creeping in.

Men and women are destroyed from lack of knowledge of the Word of GOD as it sits right where GOD inspired it to be read and understood …so then ALL scripture is GOD breathed and PROFITABLE …for DOCTRINE …then when we fail to understand or apply it rightly …REPROOF …and then as we may practice it incorrectly …Correction ..which IS INSTRUCTION …in righteousness [2 Tim 16]

Failing to take this seriously ….or getting lazy or talked out of this important exhortation of GOD to STUDY to show ourselves approved TO GOD …we find many destructive shipwrecks of faith due to fainting and neglecting OUR responsibilities

Man is given his own life to govern …This is man’s FIRST jurisdiction ..UNDER the direct and personal intimate relationship with GOD who LOVES HIM …based upon the SON whose life is thus acknowledged and appreciated by the seeker .

What won’t God DO for those who hear ..take heed and take to heart the effort GOD has gone to to reach out to man ..because HE LOVES MAN and does not want man to suffer the judgment that resulted upon all flesh due to the first Adam’s disobedience.

Just as any parent who loves his child will go to great lengths with all of his ability to care for and protect his child .>>GOD has done so ..even to the sacrifice of his ONE and ONLY BEGOTTEN SON …by Him we all have the opportunity in this lifespan to seek Him and respond to such a love.

The Devil who has a space to function for a time is unwilling to let go of his opportunity to ‘get to the Father ‘ by way of hurting , harming and hijacking the children who GOD intended for His own ..

God will do all that He said he will do recorded in His word

People complain about the disasters that happen in the world not realizing that the domain of care was given to and commanded to MAN …then man took all of what was HIS responsibility and made it more difficult by way of not doing what he was told that would have protected himself , Eve and the world .

People are offended that GOD who is all good , all just and all love does not enter in to rescue man from the consequences that are bound up in SIN .

When man sins a sin IT has within it consequences …as sin is also regarded as ‘seed’ …the ‘fruit’ of sin is death…destruction …loss.

Man apart from GOD still wants everything the way HE FEELS things should go but refuses and rejects wisdom !

We want to do what we want but we do not want to get what happens when we do what is wrong!

To try to do right in this world where the enemy who hates GOD and wants to urge man to follow his urges apart from the jurisdictions which are set to provide protective boundaries by the God who made us …causes natural man even in his best intentions to ‘blow it ‘ and disaster follows.

Small wonder the domain that was once responsive to man’s care which was according to the counsel of GOD on how to live without damaging himself and all of the things GOD gave him to care for …small wonder things are a mess. Even the environment is messed up due to the fall.

Rom 8:22 For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.

Men want to be MEN …but many do not know what that means ..due to taking up their instruction from media and various generational impressions that did not demonstrate godly manhood.

Women crave to be in protected and provided for …I think that due to the way men have not been taught or have been taught error …the way GOD designed women as ‘responders’ and
“emotionally sensitive’ in ways that GOD directs fathers and husband’s to be aware of and guard , has resulted in the movements that have been actually used to undermine the trust of men OF women.

Men are now in a state of dominance out of their awareness of the assault upon their domain that past violations against the godly order and way of how men were to function in relation to women …has brought forth.

The ‘war’ has been engaged and encouraged behind the scenes so to speak …people not aware of how subtle this tactic of the devil has been . The spirit realm is not confined to our linear time …as we are here upon the earth … We see things as having taken a ‘long time’ in historical retrospect…but as each ‘step’ was taken to cause people to become distrustful of other people ,…out of sinful actions from either not feeling it necessary to ‘rein in’ their lust, greed …and many defining their ‘wants as NEEDS” …justifying their actions …we see people are growing less and less trusting and less and less trustworthy …and thus the ultimate effect is lack of truth that God’s word is trustworthy ..as they are led to think of the Bible as just a bunch of man’s words!

If we examine the slide downward from the trust in God exhibited by the record of Eve’s considerations and finally the conclusion that she COULD disobey the command of GOD because she allowed herself to be led to believe GOD was restricting something good from her ….examine those two chapters to see if you see this .

Coming to the conclusion that GOD was withholding something good from her …she decided she could not trust GOD or His words….

This is the AIM of the enemy of GOD ..to cause man to not trust GOD …to eventually decide without any external input from anything but their own fallen flesh ..that there is ‘no God ‘ except themselves…Believing MAN IS GOd

Thus the lying doctrine of NEW AGE …which would take another lengthy post to elaborate on those issues…Present day atheism and evolution-ism is just the same old same old …pagan rebellion for mankind to get out from under accountability and to serve himself to his own destruction.

Despite the way we see many civilizations having gone that route and the eventual destruction …we may still , through Jesus Christ learn to live and apply truth in order to live as intended. Though we live in the midst of a growing darkness we not only are told we may shine as lights as we follow Him …but even though we are surrounded upon every side by wickedness and may suffer grievous pains and wounds…our LIVE IS HID in Christ and we are already seated spiritually with Him in the heavenlies.

This is not a fantasy but remains to appear so to those who have not or will not submit to seeking to find out how this is so.

Here is one key way to begin…

Gal 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

The best ‘well doing ‘ one can do is to

Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Jhn 8:31 Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, [then] are ye my disciples indeed;

Mat 24:13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

Angry people who have pride in their efforts …maybe success in deceiving or being deceived that they are ‘right’ ..but who may not have submitted to the LORD who will expose to ourselves by way of HIS WORD …all that we have need to see , confess and then learn …are simply thinking they KNOW when they know not what spirit they have been influenced by.

The spirit of the age is ‘man as god’ …many names for this …but men and women have gone down the trail of tears where self aggrandizement while it may endure for a season will bring about many sorrows…and this is what is the need of the world.

Hbr 11:6 But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

The ‘reward’ is to finally begin to learn how much of what we have thought was ‘normal’ and ‘good ‘ was deformed and how we may learn WHY God’s way is good through instruction in righteousness by His word.

Hsa 4:6a My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, …

Jer 2:13 For my people have committed TWO EVILS; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, [and] hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water.

1Cr 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

We are not OUR OWN …so that deals with our ‘independent’ and ‘autonomous’ attitude which has grown way out into a state of narcissism in today’s culture.

1Cr 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

We are not ‘equipped’ to ‘serve’ others until we are submitted to the FIRST command which will form us and equip us to serve and love others well …according to the way GOD loves..which often times is an ‘offense’ to those who consider whatever they want to do or think as all there is to know ..and they are ‘entitled’ no matter what it does in terms of consequences .

Jhn 14:23 Jesus answered and said unto him, IF a man LOVE ME, he will KEEP MY WORDS: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.

His words are truly the ‘ treasures in heaven”….Good to realize and allow them to guide us through our lives.

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Kris August 1, 2013 at 4:22 pm

BTW…I did not address your remark about how your husband’s behavior was provoking you to consider sin of adultery. I am glad you realized the futility of this as well as the wrong of it .

Involving other people as our way to deal with the various challenges we have as we have to face up to the flaws and situations that arise in relationships and especially marriage does not help our own life and only engages another person in filling up their own ‘cup of wrath’ as willful sin will do.

As I have said before …when my husband came up with one of the many cliche justifications for his adultery …one was ” she settled’ …because she knew he was married with a family and was willing to just have a sexual relationship ….THIS does not change the TRUTH.

It does not matter if someone is not married so they are
“available ‘ and ‘willing ‘ to sin with you or to approve of sin ..SIN STILL KILLS …no matter HOW MANY people approve of it….That is one way we can identify the ‘broad way that leads to destruction’ there are “MANY ” on it!

If someone is not married …they STILL MAY BE and they also BELONG TO GOD …as GOD
“bought them with a price” ….so none of us may assume that our life is ‘our own’ to do whatever we want to with it’ as long as no one gets hurt’ …I believe the outcome of the 60′s revolution demonstrated a bit of this .

ALL belong to GOD ..and anyone not your spouse is NOT YOUR spouse …or any other kind of worthwhile place to ‘spend’ your self upon.

Even if someone engages in building up ‘just a friend’ type of relationship with the opposite sex…it drains all kinds of ‘resources’ God intended to build and develop us WITHIN the marriage

Marriage is so important to GOD in so many ways our present culture has taken care to ignore or oppose that it is not funny how little people realize what marriage is and HOW marriage is !

Mostly because it is the crucible upon which we must die to self in order to be instructed and to carry out love when things do not seem so pleasant…What is the saying ..”when the going gets tough”? ….Where are the ‘tough that get going?”

I think video games, fantasies and pleasures of all kinds , distractions and escapes are so plentiful that we miss that lession oftentimes

Also ladies grown up believing their value is in how many hot guys drool over them indicates their worth …Men are not equipping themselves to realize that they are in essence ‘laying down their manhood’ when they oogle the passing lovely lady whose form was designed by God to be ‘for her husband ‘ and not to draw men who were not taught how to effectively stand for their own worth ..

The lack of understanding has taken down many …due to the ways we have been ‘programmed’ and deceived….Little by little and then more and more blatantly as more people are lacking the understanding of what the good was of morality in the first place and it ‘s genuine beneficial content!

A great seminar available for men and women alike to consider some of this is one by Elijah Ministries “Equipping MEN” . It is to be heard through the lens of your Bible as well …for I have found any resources need to be held up to the standard of what GOD says ..You may find this online. Norm Wakefield is the man who offers this .

I have examined many many …this is one that is a good one …another good marriage one is Jimmy and Karen Evans…”Marriage on the Rock’ ..

I have many books written for men but few men READ these …probably assumed by the authors …but we may learn from …

One is ‘Understanding the Mind of a Woman” …Ken Nair

“Fireproof your Life’ by Michael Catt pastor of Sherwood Baptist Church which produced movies “Fireproof” and “Facing The Giants”

Just a few to get you started.

We never want to violate another person just because we are being violated…that serves the aim of the enemies of GOD too well …we are going to squelch that old buzzard by the way GOD has instructed us to do ….

Rom 13:10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love [is] the fulfilling of the law.

Love is often NOT doing ..as well as DOING in obedience.

Infidelity is to USE others…so it is NOT based upon what is good.

Anyone who loves others will not approve and encourage sin but will inform, and reprove such deceptions …Lust is NOT LOVE!

We will overcome evil with good’ by way of doing what GOD tells us is good …not by what we FEEL is “good’

God’s kind of love does NOT always feel “good” but in truth IS “good’ as GOD defines it .

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Rod August 25, 2013 at 10:31 pm

How to Respect your husband? You mean there are actually CHRISTIAN women out there that still follow the Bible? I wish, I PRAY that a nice lady witth the same good attitude as you would talk to my wife and get this truth to my wife! Oh gosh sakes how I’d love to have an actual LOVING and CARING WIFE! She dosent cook, clean or lift a finger. She’s now turned to drinking appx2-1/2 yrs ago. Been married nearly 21yrs, and 18 of those years have been BAD! She made the mistake of taking side with her youngest daughter who was a drinker and drug user, liar, a Jesabel, a free-loader (SP?) then the wife drastically changed and the fight was on. The wife bankrupt us. I tried for years to get my wife back from the daughters clutches to no avail. I’ve never gone out with another woman, i’m sincere and of good conscious before God. The daughter has 2 offspring that are also free-loaders. Sorry folks, I just had to tell my story. It’s not made-up, but all true. No sympathy wanted either! I had a stroke 3yrs ago, now spine problems, I’m convinced it’s mostly because of the toxic atmosphere in this home. I’m glad there are some husbands that are Blessed by great women such as yourself! Wife just walked in and saw the title of your writing and the fight was on! Geeeesh, Please Father God help us!

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Laeitycia November 27, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Edwige May 21, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Thank you for this great article. I wish that you could respond to case such us Edwige. How to heal a wounded marriage? How to love again? How to forgive within the marriage cause i learned that GOD doesn’t bless union , he blesses unity… when a man continuously take you for granted or disrespect you, what do you do? isn’t respect earned?

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Jack Wellman November 28, 2013 at 10:29 am

Thank you Laeitycia for your comment and question. I am not the author of this article so since I am not, I probably will give a worse answer than she would but she may not be able to respond so I will at least try.

We are told to love our enemies and pray for them that despitefully abuse us so how much more should we be praying for mate. Don’t you think that Jesus was not rejected, spit on, abused, despised, and scorned, beaten, and He didn’t deserve it. Those who killed Christ certainly didn’t respect him or were kind to Him. Imagine that Christ being the Bridegroom who is engaged or betrothed to His Bride, the church, that they denied Him three times (Peter), they killed some of His own (Saul, before becoming Paul) and that some Christians ignore Him in their prayer life or daily walk. He was rejected and don’t we take God for granted? Yet God still loves us and forgives us.

We are told to love our enemies and pray for them that despitefully abuse us so how much more should we be praying for mate.?

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Laeitycia November 27, 2013 at 3:09 pm

Thank you for this great article. I wish that you could respond to case such us Edwige. How to heal a wounded marriage? How to love again? How to forgive within the marriage cause i learned that GOD doesn’t bless union , he blesses unity… when a man continuously take you for granted or disrespect you, what do you do? isn’t respect earned?

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Pamela Rose Williams February 7, 2014 at 4:03 pm

Hello Laeitycia, I am sorry for my late response. Look for an article from me in the next few days that offers some Biblical steps to restoring broken relationships. I pray that God heals your relationships and teaches you how to forgive.

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Kris November 28, 2013 at 2:16 pm

I appreciate Jack’s reply . I am having the same difficulty. When we came home from Church Sunday my husband announced that he ‘could not stay in our home any longer’ and that he had a place he was going to go live in ‘for a while’ . His adultery was not harsh enough for all of us to swallow but now he has ‘left the building’ and wants his daughters to accept his behavior . He refuses to communicate with me.

Now if I had been a screaming witch, an abusive woman, I could perhaps understand but I have tried to extend the same advice that you gave here even in the face of his continued emotional and physical withdrawal from ME . He makes a point of his abandonment from all of a husband’s responsibilities and priviledges . His profound neglect is not accompanied by anger, or any visible nastiness and so his wicked treatment is covert and designed to make him look like a really nice man and this his neglect and abandonment is simply an ‘option’ he feels entitled to .

Today is Thanksgiving and known to be his favorite holiday which is most typified by family togetherness. He has remained in retreat. I am not sure that he will even see his children by his long adulterous activity. He has found a really nice condo online that the person apparently needed someone to stay there for ‘free’ . At least for a couple of weeks before he must pay rent.

Our finances are in deep debt and he has assured me that he will not neglect paying our bills . He has also been faithful to pay child support. He will not discuss our finances and I have not had any active part in them since we got married and I trusted his expertise in handling them. So we are all very dependent upon his carrying these things out.

He has taken ‘leave’ because he ‘cannot be around me’ …because my very presence keeps his sin in mind. I am percieving it is not ME or my behavior since I have been carrying out my Lord’s exhortations as you have written in my demeanor and treatment of him. He has always wanted to have his’ private ‘ time and I respected his wishes but they expanded the more I gave him ‘space’ . None of the time and space given him has been enough. After 33 years of loving and giving him loving respect for what he has wanted this is how he has decided to be. I have not neglected to try to communicate with him

It seems the more we allow him to do whatever he wants while not neglecting to let him know what we want and need and how we love him …he takes more advantage of his power. He seems to learn what it is that we desire and God has commanded of him and then seeks to do the opposite.

He says he wants to have a relationship’ with our children …now adults and to also have a ‘relationship’ with the children of his adultery who are ten and fourteen now but he does not want to have anything to do with his wife or his adulteress . I feel he has not wanted to have anything to do with HER because of it being sin…but that somehow he has transferred his perceptions to me ….

Being a ‘wife’ has been my ‘offense’ to him and certainly the spirit of the Lord has had a repelling influence upon him ever since he turned from the Lord back several years after we married and his mom died shortly after the birth of our first child. His adultery began at that time.

Blaming GOD for the loss of his mom? I don’t know …ever since we married he has withdrawn from the behavior prior to marriage …secretive, private and aloof. This is a sad state to have to deal with after so many [33] years . He deliberately told me that he would not be home for our anniversary with the explaination ” Considering the separate life I am desiring it would not be ‘right’ for me to be home for that day”!

Craziness! He seems like a normal , easy going guy in all outward respects but within this marriage he is very VERY different. He has also withdrawn from most of his activities and friendships since D DAY …I feel he is demoralized and deeply disappointed with himself ..which after the 6 years it has been since D DAY he has declined to enter into rebuilding and I feel it has been directly due to his recontact after two years of weak effort to deal with his sin and to rebuild our relationship …with the children of his adultery claiming that I was the one that told him to ‘choose’ between them and us.

THis is a lie …as we know the Father of Lies will deceive those who desire an excuse to blame others . What I DID say was that it would be better for THEM as well as himself and us if he did not have contact until he had become equipped with the way the Word would counsel him and begin to change his ways .

He was in ministry for a brief time …four years before …but after marriage and as I said above he moved away from the Lord as the people at his work became more and more a ‘tool’ in the working of the adversary to offer him ‘alternatives’ to being a husband and father in all the ways he knew he was responsible for. He simply did not want to give of himself in those ways and still does not .

He values superficial relationships and now it seems only with young people who will ‘love ‘ what they see without any challenges or demands upon what he has planned for himself.

I continue to pray and am glad to have found a church that does not ‘cut corners ‘ on the Word. The world has been corrupting many who are leaving the scriptures for some other Jesus. I am steadfast in this but not overtly nagging . Still this man has begun to pursue the children …and the older ones are becoming less and less happy to accomodate his efforts to try to make them accept his sinful effort .

It is interesting that sin works into a culture by way of first being present then seeking acceptance and then legitimization. I feel that the many urges to try to normalize the sin of divorce is put upon children who are in blended family’s that have resulted from divorce and adultery . To get generations to think divorce is an acceptable and normal part of marriage has been very damaging to our whole society. When sin has become normal and ‘acceptable’ to a greater and greater degree …destruction to future relationships occurs as those children have been called upon to accept it …for what choice do they have ? They are placed in a very dispicable situation by the parents who want to feel at peace with their sin.

This is not the same as a marriage due to death. It has expanded now to all kinds of licentiousness because we ‘care’ and ‘ feel bad’ …it is nothing new but it is a plague now upon our whole society and we are reaping the consequences upon all whether they have sinned those same sins or not.

Jesus is our Lord and Savior …in marriage the MAN has been ordained to love his wife sacrificially and initiate love …as God loved us first …through this the MAN becomes instructed in more and more righteousness through the word applied. He then is actually going to bring about his own satisfaction and blessing as he OBEYS God’s counsel in marriage. His initiating loving and cherishing his wife will cause her loving response.

The whole of the confusion of men not being taught or not knowing or rejecting this knowledge has led to their rationalizing their neglect and abandonment of their jurisdiction in marriage which NO OTHER MAN is given to do.

The various ways cherishing [warming] his wife causes a complete ‘circuit’ of love’ is not given to any but the husband. Any man who complains that his wife is ‘fridgid’ then is confessing his neglect to ‘bring the heat’ by way of cherishing her or learning how to do so by way of obeying the command to husband’s to ‘live with your wife in an understanding way ‘ …to study her ..and to learn how to protect her from his own carnal lusts …which will shut a woman down ….his eyes are not hidden from her has he ‘enjoys’ other women …in form or any fashion.

THis is just one of the ways men cause their own problems in marriage …and due to the societies over sexualization of all things and the way men are basically taught through society that men are entitled to the ‘freedom to sin’ …they become captive to this dogma.

If they will not heed GOD then any sin is ‘open season’ and the wife and children suffer loss ..which means the man will suffer ‘need’ …

I had to be the initiator of all kinds of loving care in our marriage because he was not willing to ‘waste his time ‘ on me or our family. His lovemaking was mechanical and cold …leaping up as soon as he was finished. I DID orgasm and enjoy lovemaking but I was never ‘enough’ for him.

SO many losses a man will have …and then his family …if he is unwilling to appreciate his role as husband and father …My husband told me after our child was born that he did not want to be head or leader of our family.

The thing is that a man cannot help but influence others and most of all his family …If he will not accept that he has this influence it does not stop it from being the case.

My husband basically walked out on us during the weekends …to go to ‘work’ which we now know was to be with his aduteress who did not want him as husband …she is a self proclaimed ‘extreme leftist’ and ‘feminist’ …whose aim is to destroy marriage , family and wives ….this is one of the most extreme doctrines of the resolute feminists.

He did not realize this aspect of this kind of person he was just delighted that she approached him , accepting that he was married and would never leave his family …she manipulated and manuvered him into all kinds of things …including the bankrolling of her status as a ‘single mom by choice’

This is a war against God in a stepped up manner that we see growing more and more each day …it is not anything to belittle in terms of the destruction to MEN as well as their families because it is an act meant of “CHANGE AGENTS” who seek to destroy all in their path toward ‘worldwide’ communism…It is in their own words .

SO it is that this impacted our little family which started off to be a godly part of our Lord’s family …taking out the ‘head’ has been most efficient to ‘plunder’ the family …but my children have been raised in the WOrd despite his neglect . Now he has been give the chance to repent and return but has rejected and refused again ..with each rejection his behavior becomes MORE pronounced in his determination to do everything opposite of what Love and life is …

I pray that GOD will deliver him and that his behavior which is provoking more and more his own children to not want to be around him…not because they do not love him…but because he is soliciting their hearts and using their love as a way to try to feel better about his sinful ways.

It is a very up close and personal view of how the enemy has worked…even while I have hope and trust for the Lord to deliver him …it is still very VERY difficult not just for me but for what it is doing in the lives of our children.

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Allie February 5, 2014 at 11:22 pm

Hello Jack,

My name is Allie and I am currently an ambitious college student working to build a career in the public accounting field and find salvation through Jesus Christ. Let me start off by saying that I enjoy your articles very much and I think that you have excellent insight on the teachings of the gospel and that is why I would ask that you answer some questions for me about the role of a man and a woman in a Christian marriage.

I am currently in a serious relationship of two years with my (faithfully Catholic) boyfriend and things are going very well between us. We have had our ups and downs but through a lot of prayer and discussion we have accomplished and understand what a lot of married couples fail to see in this day and age. We have openly discussed marriage, children, familial roles and what each of us want for our future. Lately I have been reading a lot about the “submission of women to their husband” when it comes to big decisions and such; being a strong, independent and intelligent woman, the word submissive is terrifying to me. I know that we have a lot in common, however some of our biggest goals and desires in life are very different (aside from finding salvation through and spreading the work of Jesus Christ).

For example; I want to travel across the world and volunteer, live somewhere warm (I become depressed during my native New York winters), wait to have children until I am in my late 20s to early 30s and expand my career and knowledge as an accountant. My boyfriend doesn’t enjoy travel, loves the cold, wants to have children after graduating from college and definitely wants me to be able to prepare a home for him if we were to be married.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the things that he likes or wants to do with his life, but I am terrified knowing that being with him may (possibly) mean giving up my hopes, dreams and god given talents to become a housewife (which I would not be very good at either). I am also concerned about having children so early, because I want to build a good foundation for them and start a steady career for myself so that I may not prematurely put my life into a child without recognizing my potential. (I definitely do want to have kids, just not so soon).

In short, the questions I hope you would answer for me are;
Is it wrong to work on big decisions (as a woman) collaboratively with your husband?
How would you define submission in marriage?
Is it wrong that I want to work and build a career?
My boyfriend is more emotional than I am for the most part; will this change the way that he makes decisions?
Finally, would you prescribe that I find another partner who wants to live a similar lifestyle to me so I could better serve them?

Thank you so much for your time!
God Bless

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Jack Wellman February 6, 2014 at 2:01 pm

Allie..thank you for your comment and question. I see too many differences for you to consider being married right now. I would at least wait. I suggest you talk to your own pastor first. Have you spoken with him about this? Have you considered pre-marital counseling? I think you may have a lifetime of regret if you marry this man and then are bound to him biblically, till death, and you might regret it for the rest of your life.

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Kris February 6, 2014 at 3:37 pm

I think marriage as the Bible reveals it is the most awesome and challenging thing aside from following the Lord Jesus Christ that is available to humanity.
Sadly we have few to no examples of what God has set before us as ‘marriage’ and more and more assaults against what the truth is as people generally in this day and time have only seen depictions that prepare them for disappointment in their expectations of what marriage is and how it functions to glorify GOD and to bring about maturity in our every aspect body, soul, mind and function.
We have grown up with a lot of romance and sexual emphasis as well as a lot of destructive ideas that marriage and particularly for the woman is a ‘trap’ ‘ and a ‘waste” of ‘resources’ ….basically the tenets of the humanistic , social engineers who see human’s as ‘resources’ .
Women have been told that they are deprived and are wasting time if becoming a ‘wife’ which has now been recokoned among the lowest on the ‘totem pole’ of society.
Being a wife and mother actually is one of the MOST powerful aspects of a woman’s effect upon society and the future population .
The social engineers began long ago to remove children from the influence of the parent. As a young college student getting my teaching credential I was told directly that as a teacher one of our tasks was to turn the respect and honor from the parent to gain the control of our classrooms. In other words to usurp the god given jurisdiction of the father and mother and take up our place on the ‘throne ‘ of the haert of the child in order to gain access to training them up according to the state mandates.
I found that the Lord showed me in retrospect this as one of the sins of our society as the whole world is turned away from GOD to it’s ungodly ‘idols’ seeking to replace the Lord in our hearts.
In the mid 1800′s the humanists which took over most of our learning institutions and pulpits began the ‘slow’ process to move our nation in the pattern that Purrussa once did …asking their scientist to work out a system to create a whole population ‘easily moved’ to do the will of the government.
This kind of effort to change society is not new …Satan knew the value of taking power through thoughts….teaching the young …and GOD originally gave this jurisdicction to the fathers ….and mother who would also be the ONE FLESH influence as both submitted to GOD to learn to do what HE would instruct them to do THROUGH the knowledge of HIS WORD …and through their love for HIM .
Obedience to GOD is actually the safest thing we can do in a world that is hostile to the Lord.
It is the fallen state of man without the Word in his mind or care to learn it and do it that makes him vulnerable to the mechanisms of the enemy of GOD .
God’s first commandment begs the question ..which might steal away affection and energy that is now to be directed toward the marriage .
So then I hope I have offered you some food for thought.
It is a hard thing to know that though we may have had all kinds of great plans which we did not see as ‘wrong’ ..those plans when not laid upon the foundation of the way GOD designed life to be lived …can be disappointing in the long run at best …and devastating at the worst.
May you begin to seek more and more what God has to say to you and not be selective to only looking for something to support what you already want to hear …or what others may tell you is ‘OK” and ‘why not ‘ …
Marriage is often been said by believers not to make us ‘happy ‘ but to make us ‘holy’
I believe this is true but not exclusive …I believe that as two become one and intentionally follow not a church but Jesus Christ that they will find they are not only holy but happy in the long run ..and into eternity.
God’s Word is very exciting as we accept what He challenge us to obey .
May your intention to love the Lord be actualized for His glory and your good. Marriage and children actually work as ‘assignments ‘ to study those needs in the Word and thus are catalysts to our growth in faith and practice!

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Seeking & Serving February 15, 2014 at 3:43 am

Unfortunately most women DO have to work outside the home and that changes the reality of successfully applying most everything stated here. I find it frustrating how pastoral wives, most of whom do not have to work outside the home, do not relate these biblical principals to the everyday lives so many women, (who are required to give up to 10 hours or more a day away from the home) live.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a Christian woman who strives to be a proverbs 31 wife, but working outside the home and taking care of everything inside the home to satisfy your husband, marriage, family, and finances can be overwhelming and even more so discouraging when reading some of these blogs.

How many Christian women feel like biblical failures because they cannot do it all? How many women have lost the respect of their husbands because they are expected to do it all? Yes, even Christian husbands.

It is unfortunate that our marriages and families have become dependent on two incomes for life’s basic needs. It is unfortunate that too many men, who are supposed to be leaders, fail their wives and families by “copping out” and expecting their wives take over, while at the same time, demanding that they remain submissive, trusting, and respectful.

I would appreciate your comments on how to apply these biblical principals to women who are discouraged and do not have the luxury of being a “stay at home” mother and wife to accomplish all that God requires and a husband might expect.

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Pamela Rose Williams February 24, 2014 at 10:26 pm

Hello Seeking & Serving,

I hope I can answer your concerns. You said “I find it frustrating how pastoral wives, most of whom do not have to work outside the home, do not relate these biblical principals to the everyday lives so many women”

I am very confused by this statement because I am a Pastor’s wife and I do not know this to be true. In fact, many pastoral wives do the work of the church in a voluntary role as well as care for their family. Although my children are now grown, I spent many years in just such a role.

Please know that I have not always been a Pastor’s wife. Before we were called to full-time ministry I was a career woman for many years. I believed I “needed” to work outside of the home. I believed we “needed” my income. I believed that a “career” was what “I” needed. I worked outside of the home while many of my children were growing up without me. I know what it is like to work 60 hours a week outside of the home and then have to drag myself around the house to take care of the children and my husband. I thought this was the way it “had ” to be. Until we joined a church with families that did it another way. They did it the way God designed it to be. The man as the provider and the woman as the keeper of the home. I learned so much from these lovely people as they taught us from the Bible how it should be.

We began to pray for a way to get out of the world’s way of thinking and get into the Biblical way of thinking.

It began with realizing that we were living in a way that was WAY beyond what we needed. We had a huge house that we had custom built that stood empty all day. We spent hundreds of dollars on food outside of the home because I was too tired to prepare it myself. We hired a housekeeper because I could not keep up with that huge house since I was never home. My husband would come home from his job with the same exhaustion and was made to feel responsible for keeping the home. As we prayed God laid it upon our hearts to get out of debt and stay out of debt. He made a way for me to quit that job and devote my time where it should be … to my family. We had to work at it and it was not always easy but I tell you the truth, it is possible to do it God’s way.

Please don’t let what the world says is right discourage you from doing what God designed. He knows how it should be because He is the Creator. I pray that you can ask Him to open your eyes to how you can turn your situation around. I pray this for other women who are discouraged as well. Staying at home is not a “luxury” it is a necessity. When you believe that in your heart, God will make a way. I know this because He turned what seemed to be an impossible situation in my own life completely and totally around. And he has given exceedingly and abundantly more blessings to us than we could have ever dreamed.

I truly believe MOST women DO NOT have to work outside of the home but instead they CHOOSE to work outside of the home. I was one of them.

We are called to love and respect our husbands … in spite of them. When we do this God blesses us. It comes done to this: Always remember whom you are serving and always serve as unto the Lord.

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Mrs. Finally Delivered February 15, 2014 at 10:35 am

I recently posted my response to a similar blog, and I think it may be appropriate to share it with your audience as well. I am a Woman, Born-again believer, CEO/President of a multi-million dollar company, and Founder of a non-profit organization. I shared that information as a prelude to what I feel led to express to you and your audience. I am in 100% agreement with the interpretations presented by you in this article as it has taken years of God humbling me, guiding me, teaching me, and directing me to the path that you have described. I have been on this path before I ever was privileged to read your article. Honesty, I believe, I have accomplished more than the average woman in my lifetime, and I have plenty of years left, I believe, to grow even closer in my walk with God and this beautiful relationship with my husband. Since I accepted this beautiful way of life, my relationship with my husband has been enhanced and grown a thousand percent. I was probably one of the most liberated and independent women you could EVER, EVER meet. God has chosen me as an example for all of the women that I am fortunate to meet and minister to. The number of lives that have been changed and impacted by my ministry and testimony of submission and following what has been prescribed as God’s order for the life of a Godly wife, cannot be measured. Marriages have been restored, women are being empowered when they discover the truth, when they realize their true value in the eyesight of God. This order does not demote or demoralize women. God’s ways are not our ways. God uses the foolish things to confound the wise. In order to receive this type of teaching, a person has to be on a journey for revelation of the truth, not your opinion or what seems normal or right. Seek the truth, accept it, and it will make you free. I submitted to my husband even in business, even though I am President/CEO, I allow him to lead me and our company has grown 700% in one year’s time. The key to this success is UNITY!!!! God blesses unity and order. When I decided to come on one accord in all areas with my husband, it has been an incredible ride. When I began to honor, respect and uplift him publicly and privately, put his needs before mine, surprisingly, his heart of trust opened into my hands. I have learned that a woman’s true strength lies in her ability to know when to be silent, when and how to speak. It is an incredible power given by God to those who want to see a true change in their lives.

Meekness is of a great value in the eyesight of God. The scripture says Jesus was meek and lowly. If the Son of God was referred to as meek and lowly, what excuse do we have to not strive to be as the only true example we have been ever given, Jesus. If the President/CEO and Founder of multiple corporations can submit and see God elevate her because of her humility and willingness to trust God, step out on faith, and allow him to elevate me spiritually higher than any earthly accomplishment I could ever accomplish, I believe, other women can be encouraged to know God is faithful to those who will trust Him. Women, the Bible refers to our price as being far above rubies. Rubies are more valuable than diamonds if you search that out. What an incredible compliment from God. Last but not least, for every woman that feels that following this order is demeaning or degrading, I have one simple truth to share with you. As proof of how valuable you are in the eyesight of God, when God made man and He said it is not good for the man to be alone, God is the absolute supreme, all knowing, all wise God. What was his solution to the problem that He identified about man being alone? His solution was not to give that man a hammer and nails, tools or a textbook. The all wise, all knowing God gave that man a wife. If God’s decision to resolve a problem was to give him the gift of a wife, how could we ever be confused to believe we are less than one of the most precious gifts God could ever give a man? The Bible says God presented the man his wife. If you simply turn around the pronunciation of present, it is pronounced prezent (phonetically). What is a prezent, other than a gift? Women, we are God’s gift to a man. You are of such value in the eyesight of the Creator. Humble yourselves before the Almighty hand of God and see his miracle working power by faith in the finished work of Jesus on the cross. Unleash your faith in God, and you will never, ever be disappointed.

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Carmen February 15, 2014 at 10:32 pm

What a beautiful explanation. Praise God!

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Kris February 15, 2014 at 12:59 pm

Beautifully put.

Before we married my husband became more and more involved with study of the Word and active in service . He was teachable and a wonderful example of growing in knowledge of the truth.

I had preceded him in learning and walking in the Word. He often stated how in addition to my physical beauty and accomplishments it was the word living in me and through me that attracted him to me.

We did well in our marriage UNTIL he began to work among people in a close day to day situation for a corporation that did frequent and intensive training sessions …including all the PC doctrines of the day to ‘avoid lawsuits’

His attitude toward GOD , fellowship, the bible and me turned radically away .

His concern for what others thought also caused him to fear rejection and not being able to function in a realm mostly focused upon control and finance.

His eyes became zeroed in on the bottom line and climbing the corporate ladder and his tastes began to change radically too.

He found that his looks and charm were very effective in getting people ‘on board’ and soon his fear of being rejected and passed over because of the Lord cut a large hole in his schedule and affection for God and me.

Meanwhile I continued to search the scriptures and to try to deal with this situation by keeping the Lord and all that I could learn about being a submissive follower of the Lord and a good wife growing and applied to our relationship.

Love, respect , honor and appreciation were plentiful toward him but he could get all of what I was offering at work and without the ‘hassle’ of keeping up a godly relationship or having to tend to the mundane things of being a husband and then later on a true and present father.

His love of the world and flesh took his heart away .

Now indeed as it is seven years past discovering the photos of the two children he has had with a woman who knew he was married, did not want marriage but did want all of the perks of the marriage ….aka MONEY …He has found himself in a deep hole of self loathing and has withdrawn further and further from our family …not just me but our daughters as well.

He has been investing himself once again in OTHERS rather than to GOD and to his wife who at one time he could not and would not live without.

The ‘job’ of being married is just too much for him in his own words when he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants not just from the OW but many women who are at work side by side and have fallen into the way that the constant exposure to ‘options ‘ has worked on the minds of people who do not care about the Lord

I have come to understand that if a person does not love the Lord and keep Him first then sin will not matter to them. And if they do not love the Lord sooner or later the sacrifices of what married life demands will not be anywhere on their radar.

Caring what the Lord has said has directed me to daily make the choices that I believe please the Lord in all relationships and first with my husband , then children ….but this has not impacted my husband .

As he put it …he felt he COULD add things to his life despite my efforts because he COULD .

He felt that the offers of ‘free’ sex from other women was harmless because they agreed …even though in the beginning we discussed the damage to THOSE who agree to sex and the wonderful opportunity that he would have at his work to influence people for Christ.

In short if it does not matter to a person what their choices do to effect others then they will not care to evaluate their behavior in how it effects their wife and children.

I reminded him that his relationship with the OW …and women was not ‘love’ because the Lord tells us ‘love works no ill to his neighbor’ …and if he truly cared for any of those he uses…including the children he had with the OW he would not continue to live selfishly , denying his wife and family in favor of “meeting the needs “of all the others he so ardently has pursued.

Society has it’s priorities upside down and backwards from what GOD says.

No amount of financial and worldly success is going to matter when standing before the Lord and being examined and giving an account to where Jesus Christ was in our day to day moment to moment choices .

Your present success is great and only you and your husband know what the truth is in how you have lived your lives.

I pray that is sufficient for you to be able to stand before the Lord without any cause for regret.

One of the things I do acknowledge for the sake of women like the one who is working hard to help out with her family’s financial needs is that women in the work place …even those who are godly CHANGE the way a man sees his wife.

He must work side by side with all kinds of women and women in todays work place have grown up with many ideas of how to function that cause their own self to change .

Day by day , working closely with people not their spouse in all kinds of situations creates a bond and shared experiences that the spouse at home cannot hope to compete with .

My husband told me that it is not a ‘competition’ but when I survey the past climb to the top and his changes in behavior and attitudes …in particular towards God and me and even his children I have to contend it is very much a competition in his mind and heart which HE did not choose to become aware of and ‘guard’ as the Lord tells men to do.

WOmen also must learn to do this but men were given the jurisdiciton of being the head of their families ..under the lordship of Jesus Christ.

When he became the ‘head’ of his office …all of the ways God tells a husband to treat his wife became what he did for the growing of the office morale…Me and our new baby and subsequent children were not even on his schedule…we were last , last , last.

He set up a ‘kingdom’ at home , bought large impressive homes with litte inside them …just like his ‘relationship” with me and our children.

The workplace is a dangerous territory for those who do not view sin as dangerous.

If a person is not humble enough to realize GOD is wise and his word warns and equips people in how to conduct themselves and think ..they will not be able to resist the things that present day workplaces offer.

I see many marriages put last in the business my husband is in …and not just men but women too . One who was my husband’s business partner thought nothing of leaving her husband and one of their children on one coast for two years while she sought more and more advancement in her career on the opposite coast.

The ideology of business , especially in corporatioins is not marriage friendly and is very VERY supportive of adulterous relationships. They joke about it…it is accepted…they even call some business relationships ‘office spouse’!

The pain of this reality is real and deep.

The follower of the Lord may have had to take the word of the Lord that in this life and in marriage we would suffer but this is still a very damaging environment.

It is indeed true when the LOVE of money replaces love of the Lord and spouse then ….it proves very evidentially that it is also the ROOT of ALL EVIL.

Congratulations on having a marriage that follows the template of the Lord’s commandments for marriage and I pray that those who have not the same experience though having made every effort to make good marriage choices and cooperate with the way GOD has instructed married people to live but have not seen the fruit in their spouse or marriages , will not lose heart in reading this most impressive sharing of what you have applied and found fruitful.

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Kris February 15, 2014 at 1:17 pm

BTW ,,,the woman who lived on the separate coast and whose husband was a very involved father to the children he was left in charge of …their son tried to commit suicide during this time.

I recall I was faithful to share the Lord with her and her family …and she kept looking with amusement at my husband who at that time was her business partner…she became his business partner after the OW who was not working with him at the time they began their adultery …was later hired to be his business partner ..then after 6 years urged him to ‘give her children ‘ because even though he was not going to marry her and she had agreed to that early on …she figured she could get support for many years by having his children.

Our finances are underwater and both of our iras are gone in effort to continue to pay support …she does not work and does not stay at home with them

She is not a lazy person and at one time made six figures but figured out a way to make a great living while doing whatever she pleases …the kids fend for themselves ..and are often alone.

Yes…she might be considered a ‘success’ by many people who do not know about HOW she got all she has ….or maybe they DO and applaud her being so clever…after all she researched how she could be a ‘single mom by choice’ which my husband also approved of and praised her research for in a letter I found from him to her!

Clever woman! but judgment awaits….and I DID witness to her when she came to our home …and hugged her …I HAD NO CLUE what they were up to !

Many people think that the wife knows….but indeed I was kept really busy ..homeschooled our three children and selling and moving our homes every two years while he and she moved ahead and enjoyed their time without the hassel of our family!

If you think I am angry …just think how the Lord feels about such who treat Him and his this way!

He has been warned to consider this …in a kind and self controlled voice…but instead he is running …and you and I know that no one can escape the eyes of the Lord.

I pray for them all and continue to ask the Lord to help me forgive and heal …despite the ongoing harm his abandonment has caused in our family.

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Carmen February 15, 2014 at 10:29 pm

Kris,
This is all said in love from me. I have not been where you are , but I have had many times of feeling betrayed by my husband. There were 2 things that I knew that I should forgive him for in order for me to obey God and forgive so I could be forgiven. I told God I couldn’t forgive him, that it hurt to much, I could say I forgive but the pain was still there. I tried for 6 years to read my Bible and do what it said and to be a good wife, a good girl, but I always failed and got angry with my husband and would bring strife into my home. (Yes, I realize that it was my husband doing the sinning first, but I was allowing evil to remain in my home by strife and not keeping the peace and trusting God.)So I told God that He would have to forgive my husband for me, and He did just that a couple weeks later. I once again brought up what he had done to me, because I brought it up quite frequently when we would argue. Because he just never seemed sorry enough for it. Well, when I brought his offense up again this time after telling God that He would have to do it for me, it was like the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. He said it was wrong of me to keep bringing up my husbands sin to him, because it had been forgiven by God and covered by the blood. Even though He didn’t seem sorry to me. That night I was able to tell my husband that I forgave him for those two things and that I would never bring them up again. God completely took the pain away too, and I can’t even remember what one of the offenses was. That happened this summer.

We can’t do it, but God can do it for us. We have to ask Him to do it for us, because we can’t. (I tried for 6 years to do it on my own.)

For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. James 3:16

(PS: another thing that I have been praying is that God would bring me to repentance where I have sinned against Him and also bring my husband to repentance.) <3

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Kris February 16, 2014 at 2:30 am

Thanks Carmen for sharing your victory over the way you and your husband have dealt with this.

I have forgiven ….seventy times seven throughout our marriage …I have surrendered and ‘heard’ the wisdom of God in how to deal with those who sin against HIM AND me.

The situation continues as my husband continues to do things over and over without any real remorse or repentance…I STILL continue to forgive but DO inform him of when he violates me or our family . Since he does what he does with KNOWLEDGE it is difficult to disregard the importance of speaking up about it.

For MANY years I would forgive , move on and sometimes bring things to his attention because in my years among believers it was considered loving and right to help one another with information which was as the Word tells us useful so that we could grow and if need be become more mature …being encouraged to follow after the Lord .

Just as you are endeavoring to do and I appreciate the encouragment .

My husband is no longer a believer and with that he decided he does not have to be concerned about how his behavior effects others. He continues to live away from our home …play with the affections of not only our daughters but that of the younger children he has had from his adultery.

He seems to enjoy preying on people who are either too clueless to realize what he is doing or are consistantly forgiving him and being then set up for the next ‘useful’ way he wants to engage or not according to HIS whim.

I find it difficult sometimes , especially when I am not feeling well , which seems to be something going on presently.

I have found what you said to be very true in terms of growing and healing but the repeated abuse to our hearts is very difficult to handle sometimes because he does what he does with knowledge that it hurts us.

This was not the way he was when we first married but as I said …lack of concern for the renewed mind or feeling he needed to be taught anything by anyone …especially God or godly people ….left him to become conditioned to only be concerned about himself ….He enjoys the ease of superficial relationships and has given his all to those who have no expectations so that his ‘gifts’ of time , energy and affection are gladly received . It is easy and “costless” to HIM to live this way.

My recent anger with him is that he did not even take the TIME it would cost him to text his daughters on Valentines Day …This is not about a pagan tradition …it is what has been the crux of the matter …His behavior sends a deliberate message to those who he knows care about him and think that he cares for them …that HE is in control and that they do no ‘count ‘ …not even a thought…not even a two minute ‘exercise ‘ to affirm love to those who should matter the most . He then comes around later and brings some token …it is a deliberate intention to convey that they are an AFTERTHOUGHT.

This is offensive since for many years I made excuses for this ..I was sympathetic thinking he had such a challenging and demanding job …but the truth has come out and now he has said he is sorry but has escalated the damaging behavior.

He preys on young children in emotional ways and he presumes upon his older children …leaving them the impression that he is just too busy to give any of his time to them unless he has nothing better to do.

This has been his behavior for the last 33 years….He demonstrates the ability to do a lot of thoughtful things for many people but in the length it is shallow and self focused.

His family has always come last and only in ways that are public displays that others are left to believe he is a great family man.,

Since I realized this I have tried to engage and help with his said desire to change…but it is too much for him …he has practiced his self centered living too long…he moved out just before Thanksgiving to have the life ‘he always wanted …a separate life’ ….leaving me and his two daughters to celebrate the Thanksgiving ..his favorite holiday …that they had prepared many of his favorite dishes …He turned them down .

I realize that forgiveness is a huge key in our living out what our Savior has given us …I have continued to try to work out this relationship with all the prayer, care, study and help available but HE has no interest anymore and in truth ‘left the building many years ago’

Marriage is ‘too hard’ for him …and as Romans 1 expresses …those who do not like to retain the knowledge of GOD ..are given over to a REPROBATE mind …devoid of what would engage them to care about the things that would actually fulfill their lives.

In my understanding his ongoing trying to ‘parent’ the two children of the adultery in a random ..fair weather sort of way is going to bring questionable results…God tells parents..and fathers in particular to ‘train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they shall not depart from it ‘

The way he departed and off loaded his children’s training to others…and I was blessed to home-school them. I did inform him how much he was missing out as he would come home …take his shower [ I now know it was his THIRD shower of the night since he had to shower before sex with the OW and then after ..then come home ..tired] I was always sympathetic thinking he was exhausted from working so hard…which also gained him extra ‘freedom ‘ from home to play golf or ‘other things ‘ on his own on the weekends. HE took advantage of me and others and did all the things he wanted …he did not care bout missing out what being a true father was …He did not value any of us .

You have to be involved to really VALUE the things GOD has given us to enjoy . He loved challenges but only the public ones…being a father was not public enough .

I am not hating him I am missing him and sad for how he continues to assume that his behavior does not harm anyone OR even seeming to care that he is adding sin to sin and harming himself .

Pride has taken his heart away.

He is blinded by his refusal to DO what he knows is doable …but he is not willing …just as the Lord tells us …He has made the Way open to whomsoever WILL .

Luk 17:1 ¶ Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!

Luk 17:2 It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and IF he repent, forgive him.

So it is that we are not only told to forgive but to ‘rebuke’ or at least inform and warn people who are living in deliberate sin ! Who is close enough and cares enough to my husband who is willing to speak up? No believers …he won’t hear any anyway …The people who are gaining from his sin? No …they are receiving for their own desires …they don’t care to offend the guy who is busy exchanging agreed upon ‘goodies’ …

Throughout the OT and the new we see that people who love the Lord and follow him are told to love others as they love themselves and the love that GOD speaks of involves keeping his Word and to speak to those who are in sin is worthy for THEIR sake.

The warnings from the Word , from other men of God and me has fallen upon deaf ears….it is just hard to watch my daughters being approached with his deceit and he should care about this because THEY know what he is doing . He is going to lose his opportunities if he does not repent …change …turn from his habitual ways ….

Letting him know is not sin …it is hopeful and useful to his soul. Most of the people he is around do not know the Word and don’t care …to them love is letting people go their own way as long as they don’t lose anything.

I have laid down my life for the sake of the gospel and risked the loss of my husband’s affection ..even as I lovingly and respectful have tried to bring those things that were exciting and interesting to him to ‘salt the oats’ …to excite his interest in the Word of GOD once again.

Once a man is involved in sexual sin …his heart hardens against the Word of GOD ..and he surrounded himself with those who do not oppose sin and encourage it because it makes them feel comfortable with sin . Just as Roman’s tells us .

I will say that this whole horrible nightmare of discovery has cause me to spend the last seven years in more deep study of marriage and male and female in the Word.

Marriage is in deep trouble in our world …the Devil aimed at the marriage and family and of course those who are HERE realize this if they are concerned about is .

Going along to get along is not the answer ..it is the mechanism for weakening the faith through the Hegelian Dialectic …the Devil works to compromise faith and does so through the innate desire of human’s created in God’ image for RELATIONSHIP.

Many forms of marriage now exist based upon compromise of TRUTH …compromise of personal taste and preference is good and useful for relationship but when it comes to the Word of GOD compromise is deadly …

Just some of my thoughts about this issue …thank you for your effort and time to share your thoughts as well …I DO appreciate your offer and will consider it more as I go to prayer tonight.

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Carmen February 16, 2014 at 7:07 am

Kris,
I so feel for you and your heart, I am sorry for all the hurt you are going through and have gone through.With all respect and care for your heart, you sound very bitter even though you have been studying the Word and trying to live like God wants you to. Even though you say you forgive, it is clear to all that you are still bitter. Bitterness is a stronghold of the enemy. I don’t know all the answers, but what came to me is this, what you have done has not been working. If you want change, you have to do something different. I am suggesting that you do not say another thing to him about any sin on his part, not even to mention forgetting to call his children or anything, no big sin, no little sin. Leave him to the Holy Spirit. It will be hard, but if you have been married 33 years you are getting older and so is he, just let go for your sake and your children’s sake. Let his behavior go, leave him to the Holy Spirit to convict. When we get in the way, God can’t work. Memorize Psalm 91 and rest in those promises from God. It is powerful! The Holy Spirit is there to guide and comfort you. Rest in that. I heard a teaching this summer about blessing and cursing. Our lives are put on hold when we are cursing. You are allowing him to steal your blessings from the Lord. Your story sounds so much like many of the testimonies that I read in Fascinating Womanhood.

Lord Jesus I ask in Your Name that You would rain Your love, acceptance, mercy, grace and peace on Kris and her children. Bring healing to her broken heart. Heal all of the trauma and pain that she has suffered. Pour Your Spirit out on her and give her fresh hope and a fresh vision. Thank you Jesus. Grant her the grace to leave her husband to you. Amen

I don’t know all the answers, but this is what I have learned so far. Sincerely, Carmen

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Kris February 16, 2014 at 3:42 pm

Thank you Carmen for praying for me here . I agree, sometimes I get so involved with telling the ‘back story’ of my situation in order to bring up those things I have been learning from my study of the Word and trying to get my head around what just happened in our marriage that I get steamed up! Just what the adversary would enjoy …getting angry in the flesh over something he has orchestrated.

My husband told me when he was trying to justify his sin to me that he ‘thought I was happy’ during those years….I know the father of lies speaks through those who submit to him and my husband has been working for the devil for a long long time

I don’t want to do that SAME! AWK !

The devil would enjoy getting two birds with one gigantic ‘stone’ but the Rock of my salvation would not want me to let that get under my skin so I appreciate your helpful exhortation.

So many areas of my walk have been two steps forward umpteen steps backward! If I were to go into it it would not make a difference in what it is I NEED to do to keep on walking after my Savior would it.

Everyone has challenges and trials…deceit works within and without and we just have to keep on going and walking in the truth.

I am not sure how the Holy Spirit will work this out after believing that He would all these years and trying to tend to simply being faithful and walking after the Lord and studying the Word .

Maybe that is the point …I cannot know …I thought is was going to appear from simply doing what I was told to do from within the Word.

I can’t help but wonder …how a man like my husband will be brought to see the ‘light’ of the truth of the Word since I see he is ‘dull of hearing’ …but maybe I too have been deceived as I have gone about trying to let him know what his sins have done to us since he has seen it and said he did not think it would be so disasterous!

So I feel like he was asking to be made aware of when he was harming us but perhaps that too was a lie …as you have pointed out …nothing I have done so far has brought about any real sorrow unto repentance and it is true the Lord is the one that grants that through the person wanting it.

I have to lay this down AGAIN and ask the Lord to take care of us all since we are dependent upon my husband in so many areas of life and I KNOW that what I THOUGHT I was doing was trusting GOD to take care of us through my husband walking in the responsibilities of his god given jurisdiction but he , like many men, only see being a husband and father as a financial responsibliity ….UNLESS they love the Lord and want to follow after learning what that area of life really is from GOD’s point of view.

In order to hear the word one must be hungry and my husband has been filled up with worldly satisfaction .

Thanks again I will take what you say to heart and examine Psalm 91 with an open hearted attitude.

Thank you Lord Jesus for delivering me from the things in my life that hinder my walk and love for you and others.

Carmen February 15, 2014 at 1:50 pm

Ladies, please if you desire to have a marriage that honors God and writes your own love story. Get the book, “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin. It was an answer to prayer for my own marriage. My husband is saying things to me and buying me things that he never in our 18 years of marriage would have done before. He chooses to spend time with me and the kids instead of running to be with other people all the time, which was huge for me. I was not taught how to be a Godly wife. I had to cry, whine, and pray for years until God brought this book into my life to show me how to live in my marriage. Please give it a shot, it doesn’t cost much on ebay or amazon.

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Kris February 16, 2014 at 3:57 am

Carmen I went over to look up this book ….and read some of the articles…I recall reading this back in the 70′s . As many women will do especially in the Lord there is a hunger and concern to learn all we can about being a wife and mother.

I followed a lot of what is recommended in this book and I spent a year before our wedding living with a group of people to learn to submit and walk in the Word even more to prepare to be a good wife.

I spent a lot of time studying and learning to apply the things that a husband might like.

At the time we married we had discussions about all kinds of issue that are encouraged to consider ….all topics that one needs to consider before making the wedding vows.

I look back and try to think over what huge blind spots I may have had and he might have denied….of course we were both lacking in knowledge and experience of what marriage is and even with all of the willingness to learn at that time …there is one area that really led to the mess we ended up with.

He was young …but not stupid…but not really equipped and rooted in the faith as is best for a husband ..to be ready to lead a wife in that area.

He was brought up as the little “king’ in his family …star athelete ….super student with a full ride to a very prestigious university….good looking …charming…a popular ..especially with the ladies.

He saw me as something of a …dare I say …a ‘trophy wife” …I was older….been in the word for about 10 years by the time we met..l.,, I was a professional Christian musician singer song writer and in a ministry of some size…all of which I was willing and most happy to lay aside because being a wife and mother is a wonderful calling that I desired…even as I spent most of my life preparing for my singing career.I WANTED to be a wife and mother and I felt he was a wonderful individual with so much care and kindness as he was also in the Word.

It all changed after he ‘got’ me and life began to bring about responsiblities ….and trials.

I tried to apply all of those things that are taught in that book …and for a while it seemed my adoration, cooperation, love and contentment were enough.

But he was used to many people adoring him …retiring from his professional sport , along with his mom dying right after our first child was born and his new position of prominence in a competitive business surrounded by ‘options ‘ just could not compete with his need to excell and his desire for worship.

I used to complement him within ear shot at all events …sincere admiration and appreciation …I kept my self “up ‘ for him when he returned home…showered him with affection …sex and service…the only thing that was a sticking point was that I was not enthusiastic about getting into his growing realm of sinful environments , activities and friendships.

It was as if he chose to do all of what he knew was opposite of what he once cared for….including me.

So he closed himself off and some time ago after D DAY he told me that he made a choice based upon his disinterest and rejection of the Word of GOD …all religion based upon Jesus …and decided that he did not have a right to ask me to change my faith …so he would just make himself a separate life.

He even told me he ‘got over ‘ being embarrassed about my sharing my faith in casual conversations …that indicates to me that he simply had detached his identity from being married to me …so in the company of others ..it did not bother him because he had established among those he worked with that he was not involved with me that much.

I did try to avoid embarrassing him outright but my whole life before marriage was the Lord and researching the Word ….and music….little by little if I wanted to be with him I had to have less fellowship ..and fewer friends ..and as we moved around so much I was gregarous in each new home but had a lot to do to keep up my home , family and all of the things that I tried to do for my husband.

I never wanted him to say I was ‘unavailable’ so I kept myself on call all the time …waiting for him to have time for us .

Our home was filled with laughter as homeshooling and the Lord gave me a pretty great sense of humor ….I planned things for us all to do ..I submitted to whatever my husband wanted to do …including stopping our homeschooling to ready our home for huge parties that he wanted to throw ..our children learned to help with this so it was a learning experience….they also had MUCH of the selling and moving work since my husband did not think anything of leaving all of that to us.

He dutifully took us on a week vacation…but spent much of it taking time alone which I honored since I felt he needed to renew…but most vacations he planned golf with others while I sat as a third wheel with other couples.

None of this seemed to concern him even when he was asked nicely and sometimes seductively by me if he would spend some time with me.

SO you see….my husband is perhaps not sensitive to the needs of a wife ..but absorbed all of the attention he could get and it did not really seem to matter WHO he was with …when he wanted to go do something ..it was the event or activity that mattered to him …not who he was with.

I will still read on more of that site …I have lost the book long ago ..but I have MANY books on relationship. marriage …being a godly wife…and as many wives do they wonder what is wrong with THEM .

I had to mind read as my husband refused to share ..and when he was offended ..which I would notice and ask him what was wrong he would deny it and say ‘Nothing’ but his behavior seemed to become more and more justified in making his own life separate from me and our family.

These are some of the ways I NOW know are ‘red flags’ but who gest married who loves the Lord and becomes ‘suspicious’ or knows anything about what many sites on adultery list as red flags! I did not want to ‘think evil’ and frankly I thought he was too proud of his ‘integrity’ to do anything so vile!

You live and learn.

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Mrs. Finally Delivered February 16, 2014 at 7:07 pm

Kris,
I am in agreement with Carmen’s recommendation to you. I was married prior to the Lord giving me the husband that I have now. What I would like to share with you is simply this. You are a rare, and valuable jewel in the eyesight of God. From this day forward, concentrate on discovering who you are and your true value in God’s eyesight. I believe once you turn in that direction, God is going to speak to you through His spirit and guide you into a totally new direction in your life for you and your daughters. In reading your posts, I am not sure if you have accepted the reality of the abandonment that you and your daughters have suffered. When your husband vowed to take responsibility for you before God and man, that vow included full responsibility in every area of your life. God and God alone, I believe, is waiting for you to simply receive what He has already afforded you through His Word. You have kept the faith. You have run a good race. Maybe not a perfect race, but nonetheless you have kept the faith. Sometimes God’s answer to our prayers are not the answers we want to hear or expect. You are too valuable to God for the rest of your life to be held up and tangled up in your husband’s deliverance. He has made his choices. Now, you need to make healthy choices for you and the girls. God is more faithful than you. Have you ever heard the phrase, “In order to get different results, you have to be willing to do something you have never done?” Seek God’s face like never before. Call a fast if you need to. Ask others to join you so that you can clearly hear the voice of God. I believe you are at a turning point in your life. As long as Peter stayed in the boat, He would have never made history by being the only man to walk on water besides Jesus. Take your eyes off of the storms, winds, waves, lies, deception, pain, anger, disappointment and truly let go. Let go like you have never let go before. Put the outcome in God’s hands and get busy in receiving total healing and restoration for you and the girls. Simply declare to the Lord, this is greater than anything I have ever faced before. You know how many times I have tried in the past. This time is different. I don’t have any other choice now but to let go or allow the enemy to consume me and my children. God forbid. In my strength, I am simply unable to do this. But Jesus, if it is your will for me to let this go, then take it from me. I avail myself to you. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. My sister, I too, am joining this prayer for you. You need to be totally set free so that you can fulfill your God-given purpose. Your life’s purpose is far greater than your marriage, your husband and his failures. Despite what may seem like a failure in your life, I submit to you, God can build the greatest success story from what others would deem as a failure. Success is not built upon success. Success is oftentimes built upon failures and catastrophes. Your greatest ministry could be waiting to be birth during your hours of heartache and pain. Jesus said he is the light of the world. No matter how dark the night, His glory will never fade or be covered or concealed. In my opinion, sweetheart, seek God concerning what He has placed you in the earth to do like never before. Focus all of your energy and strength into your purpose and see what happens. I mean focus until you are blind to everything other than that and the girls. Even your marriage and husband’s unfortunate actions and deeds have to work together for your good because God said ALL things work together. Just take Him at His word. Hold on to that like air to breathe. Put a demand on the Word of God, and see if He doesn’t deliver every time. The scripture says he magnified his Word above His name. Wow. Everything you need was completed through the finished work of Jesus on the cross. He had every situation and circumstance concerning your life on His mind on that cross. He didn’t come down in order to give you His righteousness, His wealth, His glory, His strength. He exchanged places with you so that you could walk in victory over this very situation. I feel the victory being birthed in your life, and I am going to begin to praise God in advance for your breakthrough. You are a Queen. Walk in the truth of who God sees you as. Your wealth cannot be measured or counted. Also, as a queen we must exhibit grace, kindness, favor and mercy to those who truly don’t deserve it. When we think of all the garbage we have committed in this life, if Christ stayed on the cross for us, I believe the grace, kindness, favor and mercy that is going to come from you through your deliverance to those who, in our opinions, might least deserve it would be the greatest testament to Christ that you could ever exhibit to defeat every plan, plot and scheme the enemy has tried to use to defeat you. You are an incredible woman. Stand up. Walk in your calling and purpose and don’t look back. As I type this, I feel and incredible breakthrough on the horizon for you. Sweetie, weeping may have endured for a night, but if you allow God to show you who you are and what you truly mean to Him, you are going to be dynamic for the Kingdom of God. Everything the enemy thought he stole from you, I have this deep feeling that God’s hand is on the reset, restoration button for your life. If I remember correctly, the scripture says, “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof.” God said he is the author and the finisher of your faith. He said He is able to complete what He has begun in you. To be honest, this is not about your husband at all. This is all about you. If you have an ear, hear what the Spirit is saying to you. God bless, and I am praying for this incredible ministry that is being birthed through your years of pain. God is going to wipe all the pain away. It is your time. 2014 and you. Take what has been waiting for you and don’t look back.

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Carmen February 16, 2014 at 10:11 pm

Amen! :)

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Kris February 16, 2014 at 7:40 pm

This is deeply moving …I am rereading and rereading this ….thank you for taking the time and concern to speak to me…I will take it …words of wisdom and strength I need to hear and heed….and apply ….this will be hard but encouraging to hope in Him…Thank you for passing it on for me to hear…

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Kris February 17, 2014 at 12:04 am

Speaking of Peter stepping out of the boat ….this came into my inbox just after reading your wonderful exhortation…..hmmmm….interesting !

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Mrs. Finally Delivered February 17, 2014 at 7:55 am

Just remember this. Once you change, everything and everyone in your life will change for the better. Take your eyes off of everyone else and their faults and allow God to transform you. Once that transformation takes place, you are in for an incredible life. I allowed God to change me. I thought because I had been saved for 20 years and led my husband to Christ that I had it altogether. I loved the Lord with all of my being. The best thing I can say that I had in my favor was my heart. I had a loving, open and willing heart to allow the truth to shine through. Once that happened, I accepted the truth. Re-committed my life to Christ and fell in love with Christ like the day I first truly gave my heart to him. Now, I have truly been born-again. This time I have the knowledge and understanding of all of my past mistakes and the deepest, greatest appreciation of the grace of God and what really transferred to me from the finished work that was done on the cross by Christ. The reason I say you are a Queen is because Christ is the King of Kings and He transferred all of his rights, benefits, royalty, righteousness, well pleasing traits to you through his blood on the day He died for you. That means just by the transfer of His blood you are truly royalty in every sense of the word. The problem is I never fully accepted all He gave me when He died on the cross and rose again. When He rose, if you simply believe on Him, He gave it all to you. He didn’t hold anything back. You are wealthy if you just receive it and walk, talk and expect those things to manifest because of who He is and not who you are. It is His wealth that he transferred and you are fully entitled to the wealth, respect, honor and glory that He is because God no longer sees Kris. He sees Christ. You are well-pleasing to God. There is nothing we could ever do in this life to be more well-pleasing to the Father than what Christ has already done. So just simply receive the gifts and extend the same grace to everyone else in your life. Fall in love with Jesus and watch what happens. Just bask in His goodness and everything else will suddenly seem beautiful. We don’t see people as we are. We see people as we think they are. Your world is about to change. Don’t complicate my words. Just simply allow God to open your eyes and don’t be afraid to acknowledge the truth. The truth is what is going to set you free. God bless and remember your gifts are awaiting you. Open them up and let them do what they were designed to do. Set you free and give you everything and everyone you need in your life. Take on the mind of Christ. Ask yourself, knowing what you know about humans and how much we err, would you really be able to die even for the ones who crucified you, cursed you, beat you, lied on you? He did not discriminate, nor did he come down from the cross. Everyone deserves what Christ gave us all or none of us would have what we have today. Allow the fullness of His glory to overtake you. You cannot do this. Only He can. Open your heart and let him in. Throw everything away and just run to Him with open arms, a contrite and broken spirit and see if your life doesn’t change for the greatest. I am so excited for you. You can do all things, why? Because now you understand that allowing this process to truly take place, Christ was anointed for this very cause. He came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free. Now His anointing is transferred fully to you. You can do all things through the Anointed One, Christ, and His anointing. Have a beautiful day in Christ.
BTW: If you believe it will be hard, it will be hard. Tear down every false belief system, knowledge, word or deed that would exalt itself against the knowledge of Christ. How desperately do you want a change? The squeeky wheel gets the oil. The woman with the issue of blood broke the law to just touch the hem of His garment. Many people went against the laws and ways of the land to get their breakthrough. Step out of the boat, don’t think any longer, your mind is working against you. Just LET GO. Speak those things that are not as though they are.

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Mrs. Finally Delivered February 17, 2014 at 8:21 am

Kris,
I was just praying for you and heard this in my spirit and have to share it with you. God is just. He is sovereign. He rules and super rules. He has seen every wrongdoing that your husband has committed. He has also seen all of yours. Because He is just, he can’t move in His life without moving in your life first. If he punishes him or gets him for all he has done, He also has to exact the same judgment in your life. As women we go to God and tell what our husbands are doing, but God is saying I see you too. When you get right, it clears the way for God to move in the lives of those around us. It starts with you. And guess what, the beautification process that God wants to do in your life will heal you, deliver you and set you so high above what used to hold you down until it will be as a mere distant memory. The sting of heartache and pain will dissipate. The answer you truly seek from God, begins with you. He must deliver you first, then anything not right around you will be dealt with according to His way, not ours. Trust God and allow Him to begin your beauty treatments. Queen Esther’s original name was Hadassah, which means myrtle, like the crepe myrtle tree. The beauty behind that name means, the true fragrance of the flower is not released until it has been crushed. Allow the crushing of Kris to take place so your fragrance can be released back up to the nostrils of God as a sweet smelling savor.

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Carmen February 17, 2014 at 8:58 am

Like :)

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Mrs. Finally Delivered February 17, 2014 at 9:39 am

God speaks to me through numbers quite often. How ironic is it that Jesus walked the earth for 33 years? He completed his work for all of us in the 33rd year of His life. All His rights and benefits, et cetera weren’t transferred until the 33rd year. You stated you have been married for 33 years. I stated a new ministry is trying to come forth from you. I don’t believe in coincidences, just divine appointments, timings, revelations, relationships, assignments.

Your thoughts……

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Kris February 17, 2014 at 12:32 pm

I am just having my first cup of coffee and waking up here ….What a HUGE ‘meal’ you have given me to digest ….I am drinking in your words ….BBL

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Pamela Rose Williams February 24, 2014 at 9:48 pm

All Glory to God Kris … not my words, His words. Dig in and enjoy!

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Twesige February 21, 2014 at 11:12 am

Nice concept, but I do not agree with some things that you have said. For instance “women are too emotional to make major decisions….”, that’s a generalization that does not always hold. In fact, some men when faced with a major decision defer to their more level headed wives, because they have grown to trust their judgement over their own. Some women handle pressure better, and a wise husband knows this and utilizes that asset to the benefit of himself and his family. It’s always a two way street, everything does not rest with the wife’s ability to always defer, a husbands wisdom is critical as well. It ignores the fact that both man and woman are imperfect beings and hence both have strengths and weaknesses. A woman’s strength may be in choosing the best financial strategy to save a business or family, the best school for her children, the best course of treatment for a terminal illness etc. A wise and secure husband usually does not have a problem leaving his wife, whom he trusts with his own life and the life of his children, to make major decisions about things he recognizes she is better capable of handling. This is couple specific. I think a couple can and should break major decisions down thoroughly, outlining various solutions and paths to take, pray together, seek further counsel where necessary and then make a wise decision that will not lead to anyone’s harm. And ALL things should be done with our safety, and the safety of our children, and even our husbands in mind. If a decisions is about to be made that a wife sees will result in harm she is perfectly within her right and ought to to step in, or out and offer correction or clarity.
I have no issue with submission, as I believe submission shows strength, but submission can be misinterpreted with the best intentions.
The other concerns working/career women. That solution is also simple. Pool the income, budget together, save together, plan together. Some persons are terrible with money regardless of gender. Plan based on the total income coming into the home. What can WE afford? How much will WE save, what is the household tithe? The proverbs 31 woman had earnings from trade, and was wise in how she spent her earnings. Read it carefully. I do not believe that women should have to give up a career that they love, or may in fact be God sent to do to be a mother or wife. The key to it all is finding balance and ensuring that the welfare of her home is ALWAYS ensured. As wonderful and rewarding as being a stay at home mom is, this may not be your calling, may not best serve the interest of your family, and finally, that decision rests between you and your Heavenly Father.

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Pamela Rose Williams February 24, 2014 at 9:43 pm

Hello Twesige, Thank you for your well thought out and constructed comment. You are correct that a wise and secure husband trusts his wife. And I might add with VERY MUCH. It is very typical to husbands to delegate those things which you mention to the wife.

I think for the most part we are seeing eye to eye. In my article I made many general statements and I do agree that all is not true in all cases. I think you summed it up best when you said “The key to it all is finding balance and ensuring that the welfare of her home is ALWAYS ensured.” Well said.

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you visit again often. Blessings!

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Tam February 23, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Thanks for the great article! Love the part about provisions. Can see my own strengths and weaknesses.

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Pamela Rose Williams February 24, 2014 at 9:46 pm

Hi Tam, I am encouraged by your comment. Thank you for the kind words. AND … can see my own strengths and weaknesses as well. :)

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