True Love: How Do You Know When You Find It?

by Jack Wellman · Print Print · Email Email

How do you know it is true love when you find it?  How can you be sure it is true love or just infatuation?  What are the differences between lust and love?

True Love

It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.

The World’s Definition of Love

Most people use the word love loosely.  They love their team…they love to win…the love the spring, but this is not really the essence of love.  The dictionaries definition of love is a tender affection for someone or something; a romantic or sexual feeling for someone; to like something or someone very much.  None of these definitions will help someone who is looking for true love that would lead to marriage.  Love is not just a noun, it is a verb; it’s what you do that is truly love.  For example, Christ loves the church. Did He just have affection or feelings for them?  No!  He loved the church so much that He took action.  He died for those who would come to Him in trusting faith.  For any that come to Him and place their trust in Him, His blood was spilled so that they could have an eternal relationship with Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Jesus’ love was so powerful that He willingly gave His life for those who belong to Him.

Lust on the other hand is something that is more like coveting or gratifying the flesh. There is no good thing that has ever come out of lust between an unmarried couple.  Premarital sex is forbidden by God and any sexual contact between a man and a woman can quickly lead to sexual immorality.  Jesus said that even lusting after a man or woman in their heart is the same thing as committing adultery (Matt 5:28).  A couple that lives together for the sake of “getting to know them better“ faces higher risks of adultery and the rates of divorce are much higher than those who do not.  Living together is sin according to the Bible.  There are no reasons good enough to cohabitate with another person for the sake of knowing if they would make a good husband or wife.

How do you Know When You Find True Love?

If you are someone who is looking for true love, there are many things to take into consideration.  If you are a believer, the Bible says that we must not be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14).  This means that Christians are commanded to not marry someone who is not a believer.  You can not have a mixed marriage.  An believer can not be married to an unbeliever any more than you can mix oil with water.  The two might fit into a jar, but they will not mix and will always tend to separate because of their spiritual nature.  In the case of non-believers and Christians, they  may agree on some things but will disagree on many of the most important issues.

When you find your soul mate or “the one”, you may not recognize them right away.  They will not always be able to finish your sentences or know what you are thinking.  They likely will know how you feel about having children, what you believe about disciplining children, whether you want to live in the city or the country, or whether you like football or ballet.  It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.  It is not impossible but it is truly a rare thing for someone to love a person at first sight.  It is hard to look into the heart and know what they are like.  The only way you can really know what type of person they are is to spend time with them.  This means spending times that are good and times that are bad; times of good health and times of sickness; times of enduring patience and times of outbursts of anger.  One counselor told me that if you want to know how a man or woman will treat you after you are married, look how they treat their parents.

As a father of a daughter, I treat her with unconditional love, I am polite to her, I open doors for her, I love her despite her faults or behaviors and I buy her things that I know that she will like.  I try to never hurt her but I am not perfect of course.  I have made many mistakes and will make more in the future but I am eager to utter perhaps the five most important words anyone can say to their children or their spouse: “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” I want to set the bar at a level where she will not be satisfied with any man treating her in a lesser way than the way that her father did.  In my doing this, I am showing her reasonable expectations that a man should be showing her, in being considerate of her feelings, and in being quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  I want her future husband to be able to apologize and to admit mistakes.  That is a human love that I pray and desire for my only daughter.

The Bible’s View of True Love

Nearly everyone at one time or another has sought love.  A desire to love and to be loved.  Humans are born with the need for love and several studies suggest that even babies that are denied love will die without it.  A spouse who loses their long-loved mate will often die within years of the death of their husband or wife.  A biblical definition of love is valued above that of a human definition because the Word of God is true and never varies with the culture and times.  God’s love remains unchanging over eternity and is not conditioned upon a person’s conduct or behavior.

When I was dating my wife before marriage, we became best friends.  I think this is vital.  Friends confide in each other, they share things with each other that they do not share with others; they know that they can trust this person even when they discover the worst things about them.  Your best friend is someone you can share your joys, your sorrows, your victories, and your defeats with.  In my opinion and from my own personal experience, unless a couple becomes best friends first, they can not become a successful husband and wife.  A friend knows your weaknesses, they know your strengths, they know your faults…yet, they still love you.  You can marry someone you are not best friends with or with someone you don’t know well, but you can not expect the marriage to be the best. Surely even godly marriages have problems and in fact every marriage on the face of the earth go through difficulties, but marrying someone you do not know well is asking for trouble. Jesus knows our hearts, He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows our weaknesses and our strengths, and He is prepared to marry us – collectively – the church, which is called His bride.

Christ’s Love for the Church

Christ loved the church (His Bride) so much that He died for her.  He is engaged to the church and she is called the Bride of Christ.  He gave His life for His bride. There has been no greater love that has ever existed than Jesus has for His church – and some day soon He will marry her at the marriage supper feast, when Christ marries His bride.  The Bride is to prepare herself today and make herself ready.  Jesus said that He is coming again and will forever be with His church and will never divorce her like God was forced to do with Old Testament Israel because of their infidelity.

God commands the wife to love her husband but even more important is for her to respect her husband.  A wife is to be loved by her husband with a life-sacrificing love that is an image of how Christ loves the church.  By no means will it be that type of perfected love, but that is what she needs most.  He needs respect the most.  To her, being loved is of the utmost importance…for him, she shows him love by respecting him (Eph 5).  These are the ways that men and women are wired by God.  God has made them male and female in such a particular way. Even though they have differences, the opposite tendencies make them complete and as one.  Marriage is a miracle in some sense because men and women are so radically different.  This may be what attracts one to the other.  Each have particular abilities and strengths that make a wholeness in a marital unit that a single man or woman alone can never have.

Time Will Tell

The advice that I have heard frequently is that to really know a man or woman well enough to marry they should have a period of engagement:  No longer than 12 months but no shorter than 3 is what most Christian marriage counselors suggest.  Prayer is the most critical step.  It should be obvious that pre-marital counseling is also crucial. You will have a feeling of peace over an extended period of time about someone you are planning to marry or are thinking about marrying. You will have known them long enough to see them at their worst and to see them at their best.  You will have seen how they react to certain situations and to see what type of spouse they would be in a marriage.  You may have seen them around children and can gather what type of parent they would be and perhaps how they would react under pressure.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that you need to talk to a godly marriage counselor or pastor, go through some personal inventory questions over personality issues, establish whether you desire to have children or would rather not and what type of security there is in each others present situations in life.  One article alone is not enough to guide you through such an important and lifelong decision.  After you have went through all the things that I just mentioned, you will begin to have an inner peace, an eager expectation to be with them as much as possible and a feeling of being completely miserable when you are not together.  No one should ever marry someone to complete their life or think that this will solve their problems.  Also, never marry someone who has a substance or alcohol abuse problem and think that they can cure them of it.

I believe you will know the right one by the way he or she treats his or her mother and father, how he or she acts around children, what his or her mannerisms are like in public, what movies he or she likes and doesn’t like. These will show you a lot about them.  Even more important, does he or she pray with you if you go out to dinner in public, does he or she read the Bible frequently, does he or she know the Bible, what is his or her language like, does he or she attend church?  Maybe some or all of these will help you find your true love.

The first marriage ceremony was performed by God.  In my opinion, my wife was sent by God’s sovereignty.  She is like a precious gift from God to me.  Marriage is an institution designed and created by God.  It is not good for man or woman to be alone but be cautious because God hates divorce (Mal 2:16).  I believe it is God who joins the husband and wife together…and when God has joined them together, the two become one flesh (Gen. 2:24, Mark 10:8) .  There is no more special relationship in the human race than that of husband and wife.  This takes time, effort, prayer, counseling and education, but when you find it there is nothing greater on this earth than finding true love and doing so in the way God intended for you to do it.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like reading this one also:

1 Corinthians 13: Bible Summary and Study on Love

Resources:

New International Bible (NIV)
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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{ 99 comments… read them below or add one }

abbi February 15, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I stand on God’s promise, and his word. It is not good for man, or woman to be alone. I know that somewhere in God’s eye there is this man that I have his rib, : ) God created me for him. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound desperate or forsaken. I’m not, God alone is enough to fulfill my longings. However, I am just a ordinary woman, with ordinary desires.
I look forward to future articles.

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Jack February 15, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Hi Abbi. Thank you so much. I truly feel that you are so in love with Christ when you said that “God alone is enough to fulfill my longings” and truly a woman after God’s own heart. You do not sound desperate at all but rather a Christian woman who has a hunger and thirsting after God’s will for your life. Some man is going to truly be blessed. Will be praying for you and please come back again soon Abbi.

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Kevin April 19, 2012 at 12:51 am

Another awesome read….. Thankyou

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Jack April 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Kevin, that you so much for your edifying comments my friend. May God richly bless you sir and it is a pleasure to hear such words of grace from our readers and you in particular. Please come back again soon sir.

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Alyse May 3, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Would it be wrong to marry someone of different religion but you believe in the same god? I’m catholic, so I believe in Jesus and The Father, let’s say I marry a Christian or a Baptist would that be wrong?, a sin? Please contact me by my email.

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Jack May 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I will do as you say Alyse. Thank you so much for your comment. I will send a private response to you and thank you for your great question.

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Seun May 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Very instructive, expository and awesome write-up. I’m glad i came across it. Please how can i contact you for the purpose of councelling? I’m in real need of one badly. Thanks.

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Jack May 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Thank you Seun for your comment. You can contact us privately by clicking on the link at the top of this webpage where it says, “Contact” and you leave us with your email and we will respond to any questions or needs which you will have and will always keep these in confidentiality and not share your email with anyone at anytime. Please do come back again soon or click on “Contact” in the upper right hand corner to ask us or to seek counseling my friend. You are always welcome here.

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shubham pandey July 6, 2012 at 4:26 am

Love is blind. In present any body use of love. What is love.Any person put Question.You know all that glitter is not gold. I hate of love.

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Diana July 26, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Jack,

What should I do, I’m married and my husband is in love and having an affair with someone else? He told me he was sorry, asked forgiveness and wanted to work through all of this, but then two days later went back to her. She is his boss, the owner of the company and he doesn’t want to lose his job. I am just not sure what I should do. God hates divorce and I’m affraid of being alone, but I am tired of hurting so deep and so long. Thank you.

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Jack Wellman July 26, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Hello Diana. What a tragic situation. Its like your husband is putting work and security ahead of God because if he is not trusting that God will provide, then he has more trust in his employer. I take it that he is not a Christian? It doesn’t sound like it. Would you ask him if he’d consider counseling? Does he not realize what its doing to you? I will immediately pray for him and for you. God alone is the only one who can change a human heart (Prov 21:1). You said that you don’t know what to do and I don’t know either so since WE can’t fix this, let’s put in into God’s hands. If your husband is not saved, that is the first place to start because only the Holy Spirit can change a human heart…no man or woman can change a person…but praying to the God Who CAN is our only sure source of help. If he claims to be a Christian, ask him to read 1 John chapter 3 and if he is not, then we need to pray for his salvation. I’ll go to my face, hands, and knees to beg God to change this man’s heart, to convict him of this sin, and to bring him to faith in Christ who alone can make a new creation of him

Please keep in touch and know that I care and am praying for you and for him. I wish I could contact his boss!

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Diana July 26, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Jack,

Thank you so very much for a quick response. My heart and soul have been in turmoil all day. This all hurts. No I do not believe he is a christian. He knows about Jesus and his power from being with and around me, but to trust in Him, I think not. He wont go to counseling, he doesn’t think it will help. He does know what this is doing to me but I think the “love” he feels for her overrides his concern for me. I use the word love loosely here because this is not the first affair. We have been married 6 years and he has a 3 year old son with someone else. There is at least one more he has confessed to and I believe 2 that he has not, and maybe more. God has told me to be still and know He is the Lord. I am frustrated with God and about lost all my faith today. He says his boss thinks he is divorced because he lied and told her he was, but her mother is a divorce attorney, and her dad mentioned something a month ago about a rumor about the two of them and then fired him. He lied his way back in. I feel they should know and the lies ago even way deeper just this Monday. He was with me and missed work, they were concerned and started calling and he had his mother lie to them and say he was with her. I hate chaos and confussion and would really like to know what God would have me do. I’m sorry for being so winded but I do thank you as a brother in Christ for your help. You did help me to rethink turning my back on God, He really is the only hope I have to surviving this!

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Jack Wellman July 26, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Diana. I agree that the word “love” is being used loosely by you. I believe it is lust and the need for security and money. I am glad you have turned to God for surely He is our only help when all else is useless. When we can’t do anything, He can do many things. Please don’t worry about being so “winded” because this is so important and it makes it so with me too. He is lying and he is being unfaithful, and deceiving you and others…and since he isn’t going to repent after all this time and he has refused to repent time and again, you may have to just realize that you may have no choice but to at least be separated from him for now. Perhaps the separation might make him think, but if not, you can’t stay in a marriage where he refuses to stop committing adultery and I will continue to pray for you and for his salvation for surely, if he were to die without Christ, it is eternal separation from God in a terrible place. Throw yourself on God’s mercy and ask Him to comfort and strengthen you. Read the Psalms, beg His help, He will not dissapoint you my friend. Please know that I care and will pray for you.

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Katrina Yoos August 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Jack,

So, I like this guy. He’s a Christian, awesome guy, and I see a lot of good qualities in him. I liked him throughout my whole senior year in high school and then when I graduated, I tried to forget about him because I felt like I needed to focus on better things such as college. Yet during the summer, I found myself still thinking about him! What does this mean? I’ve tried to forget him, but he keeps on coming back to mind. I don’t know what I should do.

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Jack Wellman August 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Hello Ms. Yoos. Thank you for visiting us and for your question. Have you tried to call him or email him? Its okay to contact him and ask him, “How’s it going?” are “How are things for you?” and then see what happens. Is this young man still in school? Does he know you like him? The fact that he is on your heart may be a sign that you have a desire to be with him and perhaps in your future but you have to contact him to let him even know you think about him. Tell him! He may not even know. What have you got to lose? Let me know what happens.

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Jessica Millsaps September 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Mr. Wellman,
Thank you for such an eye opening and uplifting read. I too have a few questions about ‘true love’. I’m 32 and have been dating a guy on and off for a year now who is 27. It is a long distant relationship (3.5 hrs). I have currently been in nursing school which keeps me very busy and he just graduated pharmacy school and has gone to work, so both our schedules have constantly been busy. I don’t wanna write too much detail or I’d be writing for hours, but wanted to include a few facts. Another important thing is I am a Christian and have been saved. He was raised an army brat and as a Catholic. He’s not devout or anything like that, never asked me to go to church with him cause he never goes, etc. He’s definitely lost and I don’t fuss at him or try to force my beliefs on him because I realize the ONLY hope for him being saved is prayer, so I’ve kinda just tried taking it slow although I’ve NOT set any example as I’ve should. The only thing I’ve done besides pray is buying him a Bible. We’ve had our ups and downs. Broke up for 5 months of the year of dating and he came back into my life. It was as though we never fully let each other go. Once again after we’ve gotten over our last problems, broke up, and reconciled something else has occurred to test us I feel. I’m enduring a tibial fracture and he’s not been a bit supportive when I need him the most. I expressed my feelings to him, but it was as though his actions never matched up to his words. I broke up with him because of how I feel. He’s talked marriage and future with me, but to think of the ‘for better or worse’, ‘in sickness and health’–If he isn’t going to be there for me now, how would it be if we married? Anyway, I would like your opinion please. Should there be this many ‘ups and downs’ and problems in the beginning of a relationship that is ‘meant to be’? Or is the Lord working on us both? Please help.

Thank you so much,
Jessica Millsaps

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Jack Wellman September 11, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Hello Ms. Millsaps. I believe that even married couples have these ups and downs. In fact, marriage between what are near opposites, men and women, is a minor miracle in itself. I believe it is good to find out these things before you do get married because marriage is intended for life and it is not to be entered into lightly, as you already know of course. Yes, there are ups and downs but we are going to publish an important article soon called, if memory serves, “Before you Get Married” that addresses some very, very important areas to look at and talk about before you get married. For any couple that I have ever married, I have very strongly urged to have premarital counseling. Have you both had this? This is vital and premarital counseling greatly reduces the risk of breakup, separation or divorce. Have you both had this? I would be cautious just because of the few things that you have told me. Talk to him to see if he would consider premarital counseling with a good Christian counselor or pastor before you get married. Then see what his reaction is. If he hesitates or doesn’t want this, then I would be careful. I know you both are very busy, but this is a critical component on the steps taken before marriage. Keep checking our main webpage at http://whatchristianswanttoknow.com/ to see when it is published. I recommend you both read this. Thanks. Hope this has helped.

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Oluwatobi September 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I’m really grateful 4 dis expository message. It’s realy a blessing to my spirit.
Please what are the things to know about someone (a lady) i want to marry? Pls reply me by my e-mail sir. Thank you.

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Jack Wellman September 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Hello Oluwatobi. Thank you for your comment and question. I can not easily reply by email but let me say that you must see that she is a Christian. We are not to marry someone who is not a believer. Also, how does she treat her parents? How is she around children? How is she around the elderly? These are things that will tell you much about her inside heart that you can not see from the outside. Also, does she pray often? Does she read her Bible often? Does she attend a church? If none of these are happening, I would be very careful Oluwatobi.

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Tanyi julius mbi September 21, 2012 at 6:53 am

a single aiming to know and really she loves me and would be a good wife for me
she does like sex and i love it,so how can i handle this.help me out.

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Jack Wellman September 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Tanyi…let me say that you must not have premarital sex because God will not leave anyone unpunished who does such at thing and a good mate would be one who waits to save sex for marriage. Do not do this my friend. You must never be alone with her, date in public, date with another couple and read about why the sexually immoral do not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven says Jesus and Paul and even Peter.

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Olaoluwa September 24, 2012 at 11:15 am

I am a young adult female born again and baptized in the holy ghost, I love the Lord and i know he loves me, I have a friend whom i tell everything to, he’s my best friend, we been friends for 2 years since we met in University and were just so close, and we just recently got together after graduating we both are taking things slow and promised to stay pure and help encourage ourselves in Christ together. My concern is that were still quite young and we’ve had past relationships and things like that. We both are striving to be closer to God and put away childish things and allow him to use us for his glory both individually and together. I’ve made a commitment to God that i will abstain from sex till marriage. What would be your advice on how to combat pressures of lust and any another advice to us as a young couple striving to do right by God??

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Jack Wellman September 24, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Thank you Olaoluwa for your question. I am encouraged that you are trying to be obedient to God and save sex for marriage, as God commands. I would say that the best thing you can do is do date with another couple, date in public, see each other in public places like parks, zoos and worship in the same church too. When you feel the temptation coming on, both of you agree ahead of time, to open up to God in prayer and ask for strength to resist the sin of sex before marriage. I know this will be hard but to obey God will ensure that you both will be blessed by God and that He will be pleased so much. Read the Bible together and especially 1 Cor 7 and Revelation 20 to see what God thinks about what you talked about. May God bless you both Olaoluwa.

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Olaoluwa September 25, 2012 at 7:49 am

Thank you Sir for the speedy reply! The Lord keep you and enrich you. I pray for more wisdom and understanding from the Most High. You are blessed and so is your Ministry. IJN I Pray for the Grace to be obedient to his word, and i will read that place. Thanks 🙂

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savedbygrace September 29, 2012 at 6:48 am

am a Christian, 29y/o and still single. i believe am falling in love w/ my friend/officemate who is a christian as well. Need help in determining if he’s the one because as of the moment, i kn0w the Lord is teaching me about the message you post above, especially in the aspect of patiently waiting for His timing. If the Lord is teaching me 1Cor.13 through my relationship w/ this guy, does it mean his the one? But the problem is am not sure if he has feelings for me or n0t. The only thing i know is that when am n0t around he would always ask my friends where am at. And when we see each other @ the office he would ask me, what’s goin on w/ my life. But he wouldnt make an effort to ask me out & spend time sharing whats goin on w/ our lives together does it mean hes n0t interested? Am really confused.

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Jack Wellman September 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I would make sure that he does have feelings for you that are mutual and that you both make sure and stay away from sex or sexual temptation. You say he is a Christian. Does he attend the same church as you? Why don’t you try attending the same one. Does he even attend? If not, that is a red flag. To see if he’s interested in you, ask him where he goes to church or if he’d like to go out to lunch with you at work or after work. Does he have any thing to say about God or does he have a Bible in his car or at work? How does he talk about his parents. We have an upcoming article called “Before You Get Married” I suggest you read when it is published soon on this websites homepage. Stay tuned and keep us informed of how it goes.

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johnny October 2, 2012 at 9:09 pm

hi, my story is really long, i am from pakistan and we have arrange marriage in our culture. so my uncle introduced me to this girl and i went back home i got engaged. She was soo sweet to me when i went she took me to her work and introduced me to all her friends and always wanted to spend time together, her parents were really nice to me also and do really like me. she changed after engagement, earlier than engagement we talked for 4 months and she seemed like a very sweet girl. I live in united states so when she got her visa she was hesitant to come, she would ignore my calls. She wanted to get married in pakistan but it was hard for me to leave everything, college, work etc. i would send her flowers and she would never apprecite me. She was rude to my dad one time, i felt that she did not wanted to come so i broke up with her. She cried soo much but i told her i am sorry and i cannot live my life with her. She kept sending me cards for sorry , miss u, etc. She even called me on my birthday to wish me and asked me to think about forgiving her. She is the first girl i ever loved soo much and i feel that i cant live without her. I am soo confused a part of me wants to forgive her and a part of me just wants to forget her. She felt soo quilty for treating me wrong that she did not eat for almost 20 days, she is anemic because of not eating and her health is not that great right now she lost 40 pounds and is soo skinny i feel sad, she send me her pic. I talk to her now on phone because i want her to get healthy and feel better. I want to forgive her because God forgave me also but at the same time i am worried that she might not respect me when she comes to united states. I have never been that confused in my life.Can you give me any suggestion what i should do forgive her?? or forget her???

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Jack Wellman October 3, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I find it hard to believe you can forget her and also how can you not forgive her. Since you said you can not live your life with her, you must flatly tell her to stop her from continuing to agonize. You must forgive her too above all thins. Tell her that you will pray for her and that you will forgive her but she may not forgive you for changing your mind. A good thing is that you have found out that you can not marry her before you did get married to her because then you would have an unhappy marriage. Forgive her because of so very, very much more had God forgiven us.

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Isabella October 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Thanks pastor,i have been praying about the right person and this man has proposed to me we are in Africa and he will be going to London to stay.he is compelling me to plan so that i join him there,is not in my plans at all to stay outside my country we are Christians and because of this i think he is not the right person for me

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Jenny October 19, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Thank you for this powerful article. I love Jesus and I love doing his ministry. Since the time I wandered from my faith because of boyfriend relationship problems, I focused on His work. And totally claimed that I’ll receive that man of God who really loves God as well. Jesus is my comforter and my real lover throughout my single years (now 4 years) but I admit that there are times that I really long for a company as I live by myself in another country. Sometimes I find myself getting attracted to my own guy friends who also love Jesus, it happened to me twice and they got no idea about my feelings for them. Through God’s grace, I conquered that struggle last year and now it’s happening to me again, I’m doing my best to conquer it.. I live by the standard that it is the guy who should first initiate or approach of the attraction to a girl. So I choose to hide it myself. But I’m just concern of what if it happens to me over and over again….. I’m a woman and I confess to Jesus that I get attracted too to a guy with all purity… It’s really hard for me… This thing makes me shaken to be honest… And yeah, I admit that I long for someone. Thank you for your prayers! 🙂

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Jack Wellman October 20, 2012 at 11:37 am

Thank you Jenny. I know it must be hard but the struggles shows me that you are striving to serve God and honor Him by obeying what you know is right. I know that churches often have godly men of faith who are also in your shoes and I pray that you are directed to the man of your heart who knows that same struggle as you do and is striving to remain in all purity. I thank God we have strong women of faith who are battling the flesh and striving to remain in all purity like you. Pray that you find the desire of your heart in God and then in a man after His own heart sent to you.

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nwai October 28, 2012 at 12:10 am

Hi my story is vry long. I am a woman age 38 of age in the past 4 mnths I was prayng for my husband. I met a Nigeian on July , it was mma first time to see him we chat a lot. I met him on day I was hurt in ma life but but I ddnt share to him wht makes me hurt. He is from Nigeria we exchange numbers, whn I get inn to ma place I received a cll frm him, he told me he loved me I tld him tht am old he tld me his age he was 34 he said is just a number but he love. I was afraid cz I dd not met tht age while am old. He tried to convice me I lastly convienced, he visited me to ma place after a week he shwed me evrythng. I tld him wht I dnt like , I tld him tht in a relationship wthout communication, commitment, trust nd love tht relationship wnt materalise he said he wll du accrding to ma wish nd he realy love me. He permit was expiring on 21 of July I tried to hlp him cz I developed lv to him I gave him money to to an Asylom. After tht he told me to go to home affairs for marriage I was debating I was asking maself tht is he de one. But I noticed tht whn he is receiving a call he went outside. I am de person who is noticeable to smthng this thng continues. I asked him why r u dng this to me he said this is de girldfrend in London but I dd nt mind when he said. I saw another messages of a lady tht she is complaining tht he is avoidng her, I saw his message rpyng tht I am nt avoding u he dnt av airtime to call nd mny to give I started not to have trust. We were statayng together by the time. There was a weekend he was not in de house he tld me tht he wll go to a party his phone was put to divert whn I was cllng him. He came back on Tuesday we stay again asked him wht is gng on nw I tld him tht to this relationship I dnt trust him. Again on Friday he said he wll go to de party he dd come back whn I clld him his phne wass on divert again. The man is not wrkng I du for him everything, I tried to help him. Tryng to get his SAQA to get a school to teach I organise for him , he get a volontry to another school. I tried for him, I gave him free shelter, food I mean everythng. But I a m hurt , dissapointed. Please try to help me what must I du ?

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nwai October 28, 2012 at 12:39 am

Contiuation Mr Jack my moneytory status is not gud an he is asking money and am tllng him tht my status av changed I av a lot to du and ma kidz need money for fees and ma debt needs me. He used to say I dnt love him. He used to say he is giving love sacrifice to me. I stll love him but to him I knw he dnt love. I tlked to ma relatives who are the inspectors from Department od Education to try to help me to get a post when he have all wht he supposed to av. Why is it always happeng to to this. I am praying everyday tht God must help me. I am not a lucky woman in ma life. I am a single woman wth two kids but no father I am de only 1 responsible for them. I build ma house 8 rum no help of any1. Am pryng to god to help me

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Jack Wellman October 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Hello Nwai. I think this man is just using you for money and it seems that he is using other women too, like when he goes outside to talk to them. You said you were praying for your husband. Do you mean you were praying to find a husband or you already have one? If you are already married, you should seek to go back to your husband. If you are not, and are praying for a husband, I will be glad to do that for you. You said you are a single woman. Does that mean you have no husband? I am confused because in the first post you said you were praying for “my husband.” I will hope you seek the wisdom and council of your local church pastor. Have you talked to him? Do you even have a church home?

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Emz October 29, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Inspiring … I am a married woman and but I have fallen to somebody else. But God is so good and remind me that I am a believer and I must managed to control what I have for this man. Right now I can say I am his like spiritual counsel but he still shows me his feelings . I wanted to share with him the Word of God but HOW if there’s this feeling of longing? I do not want to consider myself for that because I strongly believe I have purpose on him. (theres something behind why I wanted to guide him and realize how God truly works in his life) Please help me. I dont know how to share with him when I am having this guilt feeling somehow.BTW he is separated with 3 children.

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Jack Wellman October 29, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Hello Emz. Since you are married you must stay away from this other man. People don’t realize you don’t “fall in love” you love as a choice and it takes time to grow in love. Let me say that you must not have sex outside of your marriage because adultery is a grievous sin and God will not leave anyone unpunished who does such a thing. You can not be anyone’s spiritual counselor because you are married and if you say you are helping another man outside of your marriage, this is dangerous ground. Do not do this my friend. You must never be alone with any other man that is not your husband and you are already married! The sexually immoral do not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven says Jesus and Paul and even Peter.

You said you “strongly believe you have a purpose for him” the other man who is not your husband but this can not be so. Trust the Word of God, the Bible, and not your feelings. You are treading on thin ice in trying to help or be in a relation ship with another man outside of marriage. What would your husband think of this!

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Emz October 31, 2012 at 5:47 pm

i would like to follow up some things from my comment last time. Mr.Jack do you know something about FREEMASONRY? In my understanding it is an OCCULT, dont you think so? please help me understand more about this organization..

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Jack Wellman November 1, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Hello Emz. I truly believe that Freemasonry is evil and an occult organization. I am not saying that all the members are but that the practices of the organization are. Freemasonry is linked to Satanism, however, not all Masons are evil or have evil intentions so we can judge the individual members. In fact, a majority of them are mislead and kept in the dark as to what the true agenda is.

From what I have read Freemasonry goes by many names, including the Scottish Rite, Masonry, Blue Lodge, Eastern Star (for women), and Shriners. Historically, Masonry has had a strong unifying effect on the American black community. Many people who consider themselves Christians, both black and white, are Masons. Most people, even many Masons, incorrectly believe that Masonry is merely a fraternal order, like the Lions Club, Elks Club, etc. Masonry expressly denies it is a religion. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Freemasonry is a non-Christian occult religion that teaches a different way to salvation and considers Jesus, Buddha, Confucius, and all spiritual leaders to be only messengers of “The Grand Architect of the Universe”. The Grand Architect is not just another term for Jehovah. Freemasonry teaches that there are two basic Gods: Adonay, the god of the Christians, a god of evil and Lucifer, a separate god of good. Freemasonry considers the religious scriptures of all religions to be equally valid.

I would stay away if I were you.

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Emz November 1, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Mr.Jack, I would really want to have more counseling from you if you could just send me replies via email. Right now Ive been trying to compose myself and controlling my emotions toward this man. Honestly, he owns the apartment where we are staying. Thats why Im really having difficulty on how to stay away from him. One of the reasons why I still talk to him is that Im trying to broaden his mind about this Freemasonry. I do not want him to join that occult. As much as I wanted to stay away from him I dont know how when..Please reply via email . Thank you

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Jack Wellman November 4, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Hello EMZ. I just sent a private response to you via your email. I will never share your email with anyone or any other source and your reply and my messages is 100% confidential and know that only you, I, and God will read these responses. Praying for you friend.

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PrestonW November 4, 2012 at 3:04 am

Hey jack, i have prayed with all my heart, and i believe that i have found my soulmate. But my soulmate has betrayed me for my best friend, i feel that god is saying to me that she will come back when she truly finds salvation, but i dont know how i can make it through each day without her love and compassion in my life, and waiting for a miracle is almost too much to bare. I love her and would do anything or give anything to have her in my life and to show her God in ways she never imagined. Every day is a struggle but no matter what i do, i know that she is the one, its been some time since everything has happened, and i have moved on with my life, achieving things that have been in long wait for me to achieve, i just dont know how much longer i can last without her in my life, and i have trusted in god so much this last while, and i know that God has perfect timing in everything, but i love her, and i know i always will, even if she is blinded by the sin in her life i just want her to find salvation, and in turn find me again, because i know what could have been, and what can still be. Please pray for me, and her that it may work out to bring glory to god. Every day is painful no matter how much i achieve, i miss her, and i want to give her the world, Lord have mercy on me. Please pray for me. Thank you so much.

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Jack Wellman November 4, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Hello Preston. I will pray for you my friend for God to be with you during this difficult time. I believe she needs salvation more than anything and make Christ your first love, seek first the Kingdom of God (Matt 6:33) and all these things will be added to you. It would be better not to love and marry a non-Christian than to marry one and be miserable and face the risk of being pulled away from God and getting a divorce. God, I pray, sends someone or some comfort your way soon.

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tendie November 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

l have a scenario here where l need some help and an opinion on this and if you could guide me that would mean a lot to me.

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Jack Wellman November 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Hello Tendie. I will try my best and answer according to what I know the Bible teaches. What is your scenario my friend?

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shiva November 9, 2012 at 4:58 am

jack wellman..sir i m truly in love…bt dont 9..she also lves me truly…sir by writng dis i hv tears in my eyes n u d great god..knw tears nvs tells lie..plz do smthng..4me to knw hr..i will b ur pupil..

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Jack Wellman November 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Hello Shiva. Put your trust in Him and obey Him and read your Bible, ask God to reveal to you. Make sure this one you love is a Christian, otherwise God says no because we can’t be bound together with those who are not believers. That is the first thing you should know. God will change the heart (Prov 21:1) if it is His will. Is she in a church? Where did you meet her?

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Phil December 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Mr. Wellman,

I am a 20 year old attending my 2nd year in college. I broke up with my Christian girlfriend of one year less than a week ago, because I did not have abiding or continuous peace in the relationship for months, and I thought that God was leading me. I prayerfully submitted the relationship to the Lord faithfully for months.

She attends church and prays, however she does not read her Bible much.. I have noticed what I perceive to be a lackluster desire to know and be with Jesus, and this has manifested itself in other areas of her life (such as not confiding or confessing with others, constantly worrying, and occasional lies) which made me feel a need to break away.

However, I miss her so. I really want her back. How can I know if God is leading me back or if I am following my own desires?

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Jack Wellman December 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Hello Phil, thank you sir for your question. Nothing can thwart the will of God and therefore, just pray for His will to be in your life and trust Him with the results. No one can know the secret and hidden will of God, like whether you are following God’s will or your own desires but something about this girl concerns me. Jesus said that you will know them by their fruits and she seems to have borne little or no fruit. Just because she goes to church does not mean she is born again. Perhaps that is why God has not allowed you two to be married and even though you do want her back, God can see in the future to know if it is in your best interests or not. No marriage is better than a marriage to one who professes faith in Christ but does not possess it. See what I mean? Is she living the job description of a Christian in 1 John chapter 3, in Romans 12 and in 1 Cor 13? These will tell whether a person is a Christian or just being a “pew potatoe” for show.

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Adrianna December 19, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Thanks so much on your wisdom! I’ve been trying to look for Godly advice and I have found it!
God Bless

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Hope December 24, 2012 at 3:01 am

Hi Jack! I have a friend who I have known for almost 3 years as an acquaintance but for the past month or two we have finally begun to really get to know each other better as friends. We talk almost everyday and I truly do believe that he is going to be the man I am going to marry. In the time that we have been getting to know each other, it seems that all the qualities I have ever prayed for in a husband, my friend possesses… Not to mention whenever I pray about him/pray for him I get an overwhelming sense of peace and confidence that weighs over my heart that I have never felt before. And if anything we have only continued to encourage each other in our walks with the Lord and not be a distraction. I know that God has designed me for marriage and had given me the desire to marry and I firmly believe that He will carry out His promises… And I do believe that I desire to marry this man and I just need to wait on the Lord’s timing, but my question is how will I be able to know to separate my own feelings opposed to confirmation from The Lord that he really is the one? How do I know my emotions aren’t deceiving me? Do you suggest any scripture for me that I may be able to turn to? I just feel as though I need clarity/wisdom from someone older. Thank you!!

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Jack Wellman December 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Hello Hope. Thank you for your comment and I am encouraged that you are seeking godly counsel and wisdom from God. James writes that if any lack wisdom, let them ask of God and He will give it liberally for this is His will. I also like the fact that you are becoming best friends. I believe a man and woman should become best friends first and then marry their best friend, like I did.

As for Scriptures, I can only recommend Psalm 37 which tells us to trust in, rely upon, lean on, and wait for God and He will give you the desires of your heart. I see your heart is softened by the desire to follow His will. This is such a great thing and I pray that you will marry in His timing and the man after God’s heart and that you both will be greatly blessed. I hope I have helped in someway. God bless you Hope.

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Pinky January 5, 2013 at 6:35 am

Dear sir,
I am 32 years old and Buddhist from the birth but I have attended to the Christian church too.I had relation ships with two before one after another but all Brock up.I thinck know body like me to marry and it’s difficult to find the Saul mate can you give me some advices to how to recognize

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Jack Wellman January 5, 2013 at 11:42 am

Hello Pinky. Thank you for your comment. You say you are Buddhist from birth. Does this mean you have not been born again (John chapter 3)? You can attend a Christian church but this does not make you a Christian although if you are a Christian, you will be attending a Christian church. Have you put your trust in Christ? Have you believe in Him as the only one who can save you (Rom 10:9-13, Acts 4:12)? It will be impossible to have God hear your and my prayers if you are not truly saved. Please re-read this article for it contains the advice on how to recognize the person that God intends for you to marry, but unless you are saved, that is if you have repented of your sins, confessed them to God, and put your trust in Christ, God can not and will not hear your prayers or help you. So are you still a Buddhist or have you put your trust in Christ…the only one who can save you?

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Kavya January 6, 2013 at 9:23 am

I was saved in year 2009 april 2nd by gods grace i was 20 then and i was seeking 4 a christian guy and i was so much attracted 2 men who were christians in the year 2010 i met a man he was too a believer he was saved in 2007 the biggest problem of both of us was before we both were saved we both had history so we truly love each other and as we are in physical desires v both sinned against god we had physical contact i cried a lot in the sight of god bt we cant leave each other because we have sinned with each other even we want 2 get married bt my elder sister is waiting 4 marriage and my family wont appreciate our marriage he is going out of control he says because 31 and im 23 he cant marry anyother girl he says because he has sinned with me i cant run away what to do im desperate plz msg me

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Jack Wellman January 7, 2013 at 11:53 am

Hello Kavya. Thank you for your comment and prayer request. This man and you need to understand that God will forgive us of every sin when we confess them to God and He will cleanse us (1 John 1:9) and that God declares us as righteous because God made Jesus sin for us so that we might have eternal life. Does this man not read the Bible? The Bible is clear, like in the Prodigal Son story, that God is always willing to forgive us of ALL of ours sins and welcome us back. Have you spoken with your pastor over this? Has this man? We are ALL sinners (1 John 1:8, 10) but God forgives us too. Claim that promise. Believe God. Trust His Word, the Bible.

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Kavya January 8, 2013 at 5:15 am

Sir thank u somuch but we really never knew who to share because we live in india if i say or he shares after knowing christ doing something stupid is not acceptable they will see us and our marriage very cheaply here its very difficult to share these kind of things with god servants they will hate u they dont like even these topics so we were desperate and all my family members say that leave ur 23 and he is 31 he is not suitable for god will provide you the best but they donot know how can i ever go with another even i know my choice was not gods will he even says the same we both have lost our dads mine is a boken family dad left my mom when she was carrying me i have never known fathers love and his father died he was a drunkard before knowing christ and he was searching for a christian girl coz he never wanted 2 stay single my search was the same……we both met tried ourselves 2 control ourselves but failed bcoz before knowing christ he was a …..and i was also a fornicator but knowing i wanted only a christian guy and i got him but we both sinned with a lot of pain im writing ……..i really need help……i know god will punish us in our future for the sin we have done…im arpita i changed my name coz i thought i may be public

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Jack Wellman January 8, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Hello again Kavya. Your and your male friends feelings can NOT be the basis or foundation of your belief in God and your faith. It is NOT about what you FEEL but about what God’s word says. God can not lie and I urge you to read 1 John 1:9. This is a promise from God and God never breaks promises. God forgives our sins when we confess them. Why do you want to keep bringing up sins that once they are confessed, God forgives them. Don’t you trust God? Don’t you believe His Word, the Bible?

Remember God declares us as righteous because God made Jesus sin for us so that we might have eternal life (2 Cor 5:21). Does this man or do you not read the Bible? The Bible is clear Read the story of the Prodigal Son. Believe that God is always willing to forgive us of ALL of ours sins and welcome us back. God does not punish for sins that have been forgiven!

Again, I asked you, do you have a church home? Have you spoken with your pastor over this? Has this man? Or do you both not attend a church? Remember, we are ALL sinners (1 John 1:8, 10) but God forgives us too. Claim that promise. Believe God. Trust His Word, the Bible.

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Rachel January 28, 2013 at 8:31 pm

This is such a nice article, Jack. I have a question I’ve been struggling with for a few months now. My husband and I will be married six months next month and I was wondering, is it possible to lust after someone you love? I love my husband very much. But so often I find myself thinking very intense sexual thoughts of him even when he is not around. It’s so hard for me to stop thinking of how much I want to be close to him and make him happy. I am happy when he is happy. Is it lust to be thinking of him sexually? Honestly, for me, I don’t feel like it is so wrong because we love each other and we are married. And I don’t feel like I’m thinking selfishly because I’m thinking about pleasing him. But so many religious people seem to think that anything to do with sex is somehow sinful. And I feel blessed to be naturally monogamous, I have not even had thoughts of anyone else for over five years.

I appreciate your thoughts, Jack, and ask God to bless you and your ministry.

-Rachel

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Jack Wellman January 28, 2013 at 8:38 pm

Rachel, your husband must truly be blessed. I see nothing wrong about lusting after your own spouse for I do it also. When Jesus spoke of this, His reference point was adultery and so the context was for those outside of the marital relationship or for single people lusting after others.

Hebrews 13:4 says that “Let marriage be kept honorable in every way, and the marriage bed undefiled. For God will judge those who commit sexual sins, especially those who commit adultery.” What is done in private between husband and wife in the marriage bed, including in our thoughts, are fine for this is within a God-ordained marriage and lusting in your heart was always in the context of outside of the marriage relationship or with single people outside of being married and was always in the context of lusting after someone in their heart that was not their spouse. Make sense? I hope so.

This question comes up often and is a good one. As I said Rachel, your husband is truly blessed to have a godly wife like you and romantic feelings and thoughts are a good thing within the confines of marriage.

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Carolina January 29, 2013 at 10:22 am

Hi mr. Wellman,
I’ve read this article and a few others on this site about the same topic (marriage). And I really appreciate all, since they’re very helpful and I learn from them too.
But I must say that I still haven’t found my answer. I love Christ and always wanted more of Him and wanted to serve Him with my whole life and being. And I also want to serve Him in my marriage to a man of God.
I have met this man of God who has thought me so much about God and His Word. He teaches me, encourages me, lifts up my spirit. And I know he loves me (with the love of Christ). And I must confess, so do I and much more. He truly is a very close friend.
My only fear is though, I don’t want to marry the wrong man. He seems to be good for me and what I want, but there are a few things which would make me think otherwise (location, ministry, etc). I just don’t want to fail God in marrying someone who seems good for me, but is not the one God has for me. So I don’t know how to know if he’s “the one” or not. Any advice?
Could you please answer me privately, I’d appreciate that very much. Thank you!

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Jack Wellman January 29, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Hello Carolina. Indeed, I will answer you privately and your email address most assuredly will not be shared with anyone and the reply kept completely confidential. I will contact you shortly my friend.

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Cat February 7, 2013 at 7:28 am

Great article Pastor…

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Arpita February 8, 2013 at 1:58 am

We are waiting for our marriage since three years please pray that gods will may be fulfilled in this year we both are born again christians and waiting 4 my elder sister 2 get married please pray as we are losing our patience but god may control us and help us to lean on his will

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Jack Wellman February 8, 2013 at 1:33 pm

Hello Arpita…I will pray for your patience. Read Psalm 37 about resting in and waiting upon the Lord. Why are you waiting to get married until your elder sister to get married first? I am confused over this. Please help my understand as I am slow of mind. God bless you all.

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raisa February 9, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Hi! I have been dating a guy for over 2 yrs. we had good times and bad times, but i was still love my ex boyfriend and he is talking to me everday and im starting to have strong for him but i dont know what to do. i’ve tried to pray God to show me the right decision.
thankyou

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Jack Wellman February 11, 2013 at 3:30 am

Hello Raisa. My question is is this ex boyfriend a Christian? If he isn’t you don’t need to be dating him or the guy your dating right now. Please don’t date unbelievers for this is sin before God…but if your ex boyfriend is a believer, then you already know what to do….the desire of your heart is for your ex boyfriend and if he’s a Christian, go for it. You must follow your heart but not if he’s a non-believer.

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raisa February 11, 2013 at 8:03 am

Hi! my ex boyfriend is not christian but he believe in God but my current boyfriend is a christian. i dont want to do a mistake. i dont know if i still love my current bf anymore.

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raisa February 11, 2013 at 8:04 am

my ex boyfriend is not christian but he believe in God but my current boyfriend is a christian. i dont want to do a mistake. i dont know if i still love my current bf anymore.

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raisa February 11, 2013 at 8:05 am

my ex boyfriend is not christian but he believe in God

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Jack Wellman February 11, 2013 at 1:40 pm

Please don’t make a mistake by continuing to date a non-Christian. You know the Devil and his demons believe in God but that doesn’t make them a Christian. Your ex boyfriend may just be saying that since he knows you are a Christian. Does he attend church with you? Do you even attend a church? You are asking for serious trouble if you continue or do date this ex boyfriend who is not a believer. The Bible commands us to not date or marry unbelievers in Christ.

Do not be bound together [unequally yoked] with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

The Apostle Paul compares believers with unbelievers in terms of light with darkness (verse 14), Christ with Belial (a references to Satan, verse 15), a believer with an unbeliever (verse 15), and a temple of God with a temple of idols (verse 16). Paul goes on to say that a believer is “the temple of the living God” (see also 1 Corinthians 6:197). Verse 16 also makes a reference to the Old Testament prophecies that God will put His laws into the hearts of believers and “I will be their God, and they will be My people.” Paul quotes from the Old Testament scriptures that tell God’s people to be separated from the other peoples in order to remain pure.

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Chris February 21, 2013 at 8:06 am

Jack,

I have a question as well. It will take a bit of explaining before I get to the heart of my question so please bear with me. I grew up in the church, but turned my back on God when I was 16. I spent the next 13 years trying to fill that hole in my heart with all the wrong things and have recently (within the past 3 months) come back to my faith and relationship with God. My transformation has been quite radical to say the least. The first day I went back to church (before I was even a Christian again) I saw this young woman approaching the church at the same time and was immediately struck with a very odd feeling, something I still can’t describe and the first thought that went through my head was “I want to marry that woman!”. I admit that I knew nothing about who she was and I am certain that it wasn’t lust speaking even though I thought and still think that she was one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Even thinking this thought took me by surprise because I wasn’t saved and had previously never had any interest in any woman who was religious. Since I’ve gotten saved again I’ve prayed just about every day about this and asked God to take these feelings I have for her away from me if they aren’t holy and part of His will for my life, but the feelings I have for her continue to grow. I have not spoken of these feelings to her because she is relatively new to the Christian walk as well and I do not want to “cause another to stumble”. Also, given my “stand back and watch” approach, she seems to “like” another man in the church; which, if this is God’s Will, I’m OK with, but I still have these feelings for her to deal with. I have spoken with my Pastor, with my Brother & Sister-in-Law (who is her best friend) about these feelings as well as a couple of select peers that I know I can trust with this information. They all tell me to pray and seek God’s Will for this situation; my Pastor has even stated that I should refrain from courting anyone for a year to establish a solid foundation for myself. I admit to being new to the faith and I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to hear God’s voice clearly yet and I really want to hear what He has to say! I am seeking God’s Will for me in this situation and I’m at a loss of what to do. Proverbs 15:22 says: “Plans fail when there is no counsel, but with abundant advisers they are established.”. Clearly, I’ve talked and have been talking with other people about this but I wouldn’t mind hearing what you have to say. Thank you for writing this article as it was full of information and very valuable information at that! God bless!

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Jack Wellman February 21, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Thank you Chris for your question my friend. I would say that seeking God’s will, as you have been doing, ensures that you will find it. I would even try fasting and continuing in prayer for God controls the human heart, even of this woman, and can turn her or another woman’s heart whichever way He wills (Prov 21:1).

To hear God’s Word is to be in a church like you are already and to stay in the Bible daily and pray daily (which i assume you already are). Read Psalm 37 to see how you can be granted the desires of your heart and it takes time. God’s timing is always best. I too recommend being a little more grounded in the faith and growing in grace and knowledge of the Lord first but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have any contact with women in the church. If this woman has another she is interested, give her time to either find out if she is sincerely interested in him or not…and then you will find out. Being single for a while is certainly better than making a mistake for marriage is for life. Again, read Psalm 37 to see how God gives us the desires of our heart and it is when we delight in HIM first and foremost which is also what Matthew 6:33 says.

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Chris February 25, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Jack,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I have taken your advice and read Psalm 37 and I’ve even made the decision to just lay the entire situation at God’s feet and submit myself to His Will and His desire for my life. I’m taking this “time off” to place my entire trust in God’s infinite wisdom. He knows much better than I do what I should do with the situation and I’ve asked him to bring about what he deems fit for me. I trust that God is faithful to me and will bring me the desires of my heart. Marriage, children, and all that goes with it will have to wait for me for now it seems, but I have put my faith and my trust in God. I would ask, however, that you pray for me to remain strong in my commitment to give this to the LORD as I have a tendancy towards anxiety and every now and then have difficulty “shutting off my mind” and letting go. Thanks again for the guidance in this matter and I pray that God blesses you and your ministry!

~Chris

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Jack Wellman February 25, 2013 at 12:50 pm

Chris, I can sense a deep hunger to cling to Christ and to put all the heavy burdens onto the shoulders that can take it. It is hard to shut this off in our mind, I also struggle with that and letting go and letting God is not easy for me either. I thank you for your prayers and I praise God that I could be of any use to the Master.

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Robert February 22, 2013 at 3:08 pm

Mike and group,
Hi my name is Robert and I am currently in a crazy season of my life. First of all I am a senior in college and am going to graduate in may with a Christian Studies degree with seminary on the horizon.
I feel blessed that I went to the school that I currently do because God blessed me with meeting someone amazing.

Last year we hung out alot and feelings were very strong. we are both believers and if I were to say who was more spiritually grounded in Jesus I would say that it is her. I believe this is purely just because of the differences in time we have each individually been believers.

So we became best friends and literally she is my favorite person on earth. Before I was a true follower of God I had a pretty rough senior year of highschool and had some of my first sexual encounters there. No one was around to teach me that sex before marriage was wrong…. i mean there were people to tell me that it was wrong but no one shared with me why.

This was crucial because as I was dating (not boyfriend and girlfriend) this girl last year I fell into sexual immorality with someone from highschool. because I cared for this girl so dearly and I was just devastated at what I had done I told her everything.

This brought some of the hardest months of my life and it really hurt her too. I could see it in her eyes and I had sinned against my God and I had broken her heart.

healing started to happen… I worked at a summer camp over summer and we just went our separate ways.

The day before Christmas break I knew I wanted to see her to catch up and to do something nice for her. I cooked her dinner and took her to see christmas lights at the zoo. She asked me before leaving, “why are we even here right now?” This was a crazy question to me because there was absolutely no reason for us to be together at all in any way shape or form.

From that night on I noticed this feeling in my heart that was just burning inside of me. We talked one night and she had said that our small talk had to stop… that even a text hello or that any type of attention had an effect on her. We decided to stop talking=[ I truly had a heart of hurt and I knew that because i cared for her deeply that I just wanted to honor her and respect her wishes. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I cared so much and just wanted to hear what was going on in her life and to share with her what Jesus was doing in mine. Every moment I would think of her and just had to pray to God to take away those thoughts if they were not of Him or were not real feelings.

When we returned from break I asked her to coffee and we sat down and had a talk. I told her how I wanted to respect her well but I was confused because upon prayer to take my mind off her I was constantly thinking of her, praying for her, just longing to know her and spend time with her and be her friend again.

We cried alot and decided to enter into a season of healing for our relationship and friendship.

This is where it turns into a rollercoaster. Since then we have spent not an abundance of time together but enough for me to see that my feelings are just growing stronger again. I met with her best friend and was asked tons of very hard questions that opened my eyes to so many different things in life that I had been struggling with and where God was getting glory.

we went on a hike one day and I had packed a lunch for us to go and enjoy in the beautiful nature. It was that day that I asked if she wanted to spend valentines with me.

Our valentines date was absolutely amazing and I found myself just looking at her with this feeling of love and just pure thankfulness to God for creating someone as lovely as she. The other day we got coffee and it had been known to me that she was pretty exhausted with school and all the ministry she was doing on campus. This girl is very busy.

when we got coffee she told me that she didn’t feel like God was calling her to be whatever it was I wanted her to be in my life. I may have hinted at what I wanted but never had defined it. the day prior I called her father to appologize to him and to ask him for his grace. so this just added to the craziness of the situation because she basically told me we were done at coffee that day….

I was a wreck. Just crying and being so uncertain of whether I was being selfish in just thinking about her and asking myself if I was seeking her over God. This truly is not my desire and I want to know Jesus more than anything. But one thing is still there…. That day at starbucks we were sitting there talking and I told her that I know that she is worth it and that she is worth fighting for and I told her I LOVED her. This was the first time I had ever noticed that I truly did love her. My heart just breaks at the thought of not being able to be her friend and to know her. Is this selfish or is it does it sound as though it is a genuine care and love for her?

We are going to have a follow up talk and I am seeking guidance from people who are Godly men or women who are living underneath the cross to help me to see the bigger picture. Jesus is my number one priority and I am learning so much from his word and from fasting and just being in this season of life.

I know that there is no other woman I have ever met that has taken me as she has. I know that if I were to not fight for her that I would not be following my heart. I know this is the woman I want to marry and am doing everything I can to show her I care. I have prayed for God to give me a heart that can love as he has loved me first and one that can also be loved. This is key because I have never known to pray for this before. Also I am asking Jesus to continue to help me to die to myself and my sin everyday. I know that the man she knew last year is not the man I was made to be and I am just seeking the cross in this situation and trying to seek God’s redeeming love for the relationship as well.

My confusion is… what do i do? how do i deal with this hurt in my heart at this current time as I just feel love sick? is there anything else I can read?

don’t exactly have a question but am seeking advice and prayer and maybe just someone to talk to.

If you read this thank you so much for reading this and pray that God gets all the glory in this crazy season of my life.

Reply

Jack Wellman February 22, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Robert, you are obviously a man seeking after God and to be a man after His own heart. I so admire your desire to seek out God’s will. We know that every human heart of those children of his are in His hands and He directs it wherever He wills (Prov 21:1). My advice is for you to seek God in prayer and fasting and to stay in touch with this lady friend of yours.

My wife and I became best friends before we were married and I think the most happily married couples are those who were best friends and ended up marrying their best friends. To me, this girl seems a bit unsure of what she wants in life, what she thinks God’s will is in her life, and whether part of God’s will for her life is for you to be a part of it. God reveals His known will in His written Word and when we obey this written and revealed word, He will only then reveal His hidden will to us. No man can know God’s will for another person but we do know that God’s will for our lives are to glorify Jesus Christ and to share the gospel with others.

Time will tell my friend whether this girl is meant to be for if it isn’t in your best interest, God knows that and He can see into the future and knows what will be for our ultimate good and until then, just pray, fast when you can, stay in touch but stay away from any “meaningful” issues of life for now. Sometimes giving people room is giving them the freedom to choose. God knows what is best for us even when we don’t. I trust Him and I sometimes have to wait a long time for His answers.

Read Psalm 37 and see what it says because its about how to receive the desires of our heart and it starts with delighting in Him. Listen to the words used in reference to attaining the desires of our hearts, which are all found in Psalm 37. In God we are; to trust, to wait, to rest, to delight, to commit, to know, and to have patience. In these we receive; our delights, His peace, His safety, His stability, His provisions, His guidance, His protection, His deliverance, firm footing, a secure future, your refuge, no worry, no poverty, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

How do you delight in the Lord so that you may receive the desires of your heart (v. 4)? What is delight? Here is the definition and when you read it, just imagine that God is the focus and subject of your delight in. Delight: A great satisfaction and joy; something (or someone) that gives great pleasure; to satisfy greatly; to please. That’s the key to finding the desires of your heart. Take great pleasure in God’s goodness. Take joy in your salvation. Let Him satisfy your every need. Please Him in all that you do. Desires take time. This is where the words of Psalm 37 are clear; wait, rest, trust, and know. If you delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. It is not a quid pro quo God, but a God Who Himself delights in giving us our desires. If you delight in Him, He will give you the desires of our heart.

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Robert February 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm

also thank you so much for your article. It was so very powerful and I see that God is working through you in your writing as there are many who need to read some of these words.
Thank you for being you

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Jack Wellman February 22, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Thank you for your too generous of words for I am nothing without Christ and I know nothing that I have not been taught by my God and the Holy Spirit and so all glory and honor and praise are to Him and Him alone my friend.

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Robert February 22, 2013 at 7:03 pm

and excuse me for calling you mike. my appollogies

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Lily February 23, 2013 at 6:41 pm

Hi Jack!
So my name’s Lily and I am a freshmen in highschool.
I just read your article and I think that it is really good!!!
I have a few questions and I was wondering if maybe you could answer them.
So let me give you some background information to start off with.
So there’s this guy that I’ve known since I was in preschool.
We’ve been friends since then. I think he actually gave me a love letter. I’m not sure but that’s what I saw in a video that his mom or someone took of us in preschool. Anyways, so we started dating during the summer before seventh grade. And we weren’t allowed to at that time so we never really did anything together. Especially as a couple. So then I ended up breaking up with him during the beginning of seventh grade in mid November.
But then I had confirmation in eighth grade and then realized how much I miss him and how much of a mistake that was. But I didn’t really have a choice because then my parents found out and I could tell if I didn’t break up with him soon, that everything would be really messed up.
So I’ve been trying to get back with him since then.
And then this year I had a religious lecture at my school since I was starting my freshman year.
And I prayed and asked for help with guys because I’ve always had trouble and I wanted a change.
And then the next day I saw him totally unexpectedly and it was weird.
And I really do love him and care about him more than anyone will ever understand.
He’s always on my mind. I’m just trying to figure a few things to see if I can tell whether or not this is something important or not.

So here are my questions:

1. How do you know whether or not you are being called by God?
2. Why is he always in my thoughts? no matter where I am he’s always on my mind. But why? Is this God calling me?
3. How do you know whether or not you want someone or need someone?

I’ve been thinking these questions for a really long time. And I’ve been praying about this to God for awhile. And I still haven’t gotten an answer. What should I do?

I’m sorry this was so terribly long, but I need some help. Really badly. I really enjoyed reading your article, and I hope you can answer my questions!
Thank you very very much for your time and patience!
Warm Regards,
Lily.

Reply

Jack Wellman February 24, 2013 at 2:21 pm

Great questions Lily. I believe you will know you are called by God when you see these three things:

1. You see a need….

2. You see a need you are passionate for….

3. You have an opportunity to fill that need that you are passionate for…

For me, it was to share the gospel for I saw a need for it, I have a passion for the lost and the opportunity is that lost people are everywhere! Is this what you meant by how do you know you’re being called by God?

By your boyfriend being on your heart, it seems clear that you are either infatuated or God has put on your heart to pursue this man to be your husband. Is this boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever you call him now, a solid, and strong Christian? If so, it could well be but I can not answer your question for I don’t know the hidden will of God but God will reveal His hidden will when we obey the revealed will of God, like in Romans 12.

I believe you will know whether you need someone or someone needs you when you first see your need to put Christ first and His Kingdom (Matt 6:33). When you do this, Jesus promised that all other things will come. Put Him first, seek Him first, and He will give you the desires of your heart (read Psalm 37).

I pray I answered your question sufficiently.

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Lily February 23, 2013 at 6:58 pm

Also, how do we show delight in the Lord?

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Jack Wellman February 24, 2013 at 1:13 pm

Hi Lilly. Thank you for your question. I will respond to your other comment a bit later. As for how do we show delight in the Lord? Read Psalm 37 and see what it says because its about how to receive the desires of our heart and it starts with delighting in Him. Listen to the words used in reference to attaining the desires of our hearts, which are all found in Psalm 37. In God we are; to trust, to wait, to rest, to delight, to commit, to know, and to have patience. In these we receive; our delights, His peace, His safety, His stability, His provisions, His guidance, His protection, His deliverance, firm footing, a secure future, your refuge, no worry, no poverty, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

How do you delight in the Lord so that you may receive the desires of your heart (v. 4)? What is delight? Here is the definition and when you read it, just imagine that God is the focus and subject of your delight in. Delight: A great satisfaction and joy; something (or someone) that gives great pleasure; to satisfy greatly; to please. That’s the key to finding the desires of your heart. Take great pleasure in God’s goodness. Take joy in your salvation. Let Him satisfy your every need. Please Him in all that you do. Desires take time. This is where the words of Psalm 37 are clear; wait, rest, trust, and know. If you delight in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. It is not a quid pro quo God, but a God Who Himself delights in giving us our desires. If you delight in Him, He will give you the desires of our heart.

Reply

Jack Wellman February 24, 2013 at 1:14 pm

For more on how to delight in the Lord read this please:

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-receive-desires-our-heart-6516628.html

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Lily February 24, 2013 at 9:38 pm

Hi Jack!
Thank you so much for your response!! I really do appreciate it! It did help!
And to answer your question, He is Catholic. His whole family is.
Also, I do not know whether or not I want or need to be with him. It’s really hard for me to tell. What does this mean? What can I do to figure this out? Is there any way?
I feel that he deserves better. Because recently he’s been dating. And the first girl that broke up with him did like one month ago. Then there’s this other girl who I don’t care for at all who just recently broke up with him. She is not Catholic at all. Although, His sister and I went to a youth group at my old Catholic middle school and she invited herself basically and came with us. I just recently met this girl about a month ago. I don’t really know alot about her. But she’s friends with his sister, who I am really good friends with. But anyways, so she went and when we were ansering questions about lent, she didn’t really know what to say. His mom asked her whether or not she belonged or went to this Church and she said no.
So I wanted to see whether or not she was Catholic or not. And by accident I found out that she is an Atheist.
I don’t know whether or not he knew that or not.
All I know is that from all the girls he has dated, I think that he deserves alot better. I know what he’s like. I know how he is as a person.
I just don’t know what to do.
Because he recently has been just ignoring me..
and we’re friends but we barely talk.. even when we see each other.
What should I do?
I’m still trying to determine whether or not this is God calling me or not and whether or not this is something I should hold on to or not.

And I am still alittle confused on GOd calling us thing.

I truly do believe in God and I always have.
And I really just need help right now.
I am just really confused.

Thanks for your help!
I hope you can help me out again!
because I truly think that you can help me.
Thank you very much Pastor!!!
Best Regards,
Lily.

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Lily February 24, 2013 at 9:53 pm

And how do you know you have an opportunity to fill that need that you are passionate for?

And how to we know you when you first see your need to put Christ first and His Kingdom?

I am a full Christian, but I want to make sure I understand. I really want to be a better Christian and I want a better relationship with God.
I want a change.
Because for a really long time I do some bad things.
I feel like realationship with God and my life as a Christian could be a whole lot better.
Can you help me?
I really do believe that you can.

Thank you very much again, I really do appreciate it.

God Bless You,
Lily.

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Jack Wellman February 24, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Lily, let me take one question at a time. You asked,

“And how do you know you have an opportunity to fill that need that you are passionate for?”

I saw a need when the local nursing home didn’t have a Bible study so I saw the opportunity was there and the need was not being filled so I just went to the director and asked her and she said fine. You will see an opportunity by no one filling it already and then just take advantage of the opportunity.

Then you asked, “And how to we know you when you first see your need to put Christ first and His Kingdom?”

You know it is Christ’s desire in His kingdom to fill a need in such a thing as a nursing home Bible study because these people are lonely and they can’t go to church so I bring the church to them. In fact James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” Almost ALL of these nursing home residents have no one, they have by now lost their parents and many women outlive their husbands and so they are both alone and have no visitors. This is what the Bible calls “pure and undefiled religion.”

For more on this, read this about that ministry and try to start your own or join someone else. It might be a serving in a soup kitchen for the poor and homeless, hospital visitation, writing letters to prisoners or a visitation at a nursing home.

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/what-is-pure-and-undefiled-religion-before-god/

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Lily February 24, 2013 at 10:03 pm

(SORRY THIS IS THE LAST QUESTION HAHA)
but what do you mean by you see a need?
Like something you feel?
I’m just very confused.
What should I do?
I really need help.
Maybe I’m just overthinking it.
I’m not sure.
But I better finish my homework because I have school tomorrow!
God Bless You,
Lily.

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Jack Wellman February 24, 2013 at 10:11 pm

A need is:

1. A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection or helping someone who is starting a homeless ministry for example.
2. Something required or wanted; a requisite: “Those of us who led the charge for these women’s issues … shared a common vision in the needs of women” (Olympia Snowe).
3. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need.

It is both something you fell but it is something you feel about some need you see with your eyes.

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Lily February 25, 2013 at 11:13 am

So do you think that me thinking he deserves better serves as a need ?
Because I’m still kind of confused on whether or not what has happened is a call from God or not.
And my last question is in one of your responses you said you are either infatuated or God is pursuing you to have this boy as your husband. What do you mean by that? I don’t really understand.

I’m very very very sorry I ask so many questions.

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Jack Wellman February 25, 2013 at 12:53 pm

I believe that you thinking that he deserves better is not really serving a need. A need being filled is for others, yes, but it is doing the work of Christ like handing out Bible tracts, helping others after school with their homework, visiting the sick and elderly, serving in a soup kitchen, etc. That is filling a need for a calling of God.

What I mean is that if you are pursuing this boy over pursuing Christ above all things and all people, then you are not putting the Kingdom first in your life as Jesus told us to do in Matthew 6:33. That is what I meant.

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Lily February 25, 2013 at 1:26 pm

Okay that makes sense now!!

Thankyou very much!!

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Lily February 26, 2013 at 5:44 pm

Hi Pastor,
I wanted to ask you something.

Can you be by God by something that is non religious?
Like could he call you to do something that isn’t religious related?
If so, what could it be?

Lily.

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Jack Wellman February 26, 2013 at 5:59 pm

Lily, no human can expressly tell you what God’s will is for your life in particular. One thing we know that the will of God is, is to glorify Jesus Christ. To share the gospel with the lost and to grow in grace and knowledge for this is the will of God that we know for sure (Rom 12:1-2). I don’t know you as well as your pastor does. Have you spoken with him? What do your friends say you are good at? What you love to do is what is often our passion and what we have a passion for is what we may be called to do. Why don’t you want it to be “religious?” I would think that is a commendable goal? For more on how to find God’s will for your life, check out this article:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/how-to-find-gods-will-in-your-life/

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Lily February 26, 2013 at 6:27 pm

Hi Jack
Thanks for the quick response.
So to answer your question, no I have not spoken to him.
And I am good at painting, drawing, singing, dancing, drawing, running, and probably alot of other things.
And it’s not that I don’t want it to be religious. That’s not my thought.
What I really am asking is that when something happens (anything like random) could it still be God calling us? Even though it’s not something religious?

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Jack Wellman March 2, 2013 at 3:34 pm

Anything that happens is not random since God is sovereign over all that happens and nothing happens that is not ordained by God and so you may have your skills like painting, drawing, singing, etc. to do for the glory of God as we are all commanded to glorify God in all we do.

I am sorry I responded so late. I work as a bi-vocational pastor and am a writer to so I don’t always respond so quickly as I do at other times due to time constraints.

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KISURA March 4, 2013 at 5:12 am

I am a served lady,
I am desperate of getting married, but all men comes to me are not saved, and the one comes to me is saved but is not meet the criteria which I prayed for i.e appearance, education, level of knowing God, professional etc.

What do you advice about this criteria’

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Lily March 4, 2013 at 3:36 pm

HIt’s fine Jack. Thank you fpr your response.
So it’s funny because right now in my religion class, we are learning about the Kingdom of God. And we were talking about how God calls ud. So my religion teacher gave us an example of how God class to us. And this was something that had happened to her. So she had applied for two jobs and she wasn’t sure which job she wanted. And so she at some point, had to go for an interview for one of the jobs. And the minute she walked into the door she didn’t want that job at all.
Now this is an example of God calling us but it has nothing to do with religion. Could God calling us happen with love also?
Because it does happen in education and jobs.

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Jack Wellman March 5, 2013 at 11:21 am

I believe God could be calling us into a relationship but it will always be with a godly woman or man but that is not a calling for God’s work but one of our life partner. It does happen in education and jobs more so than in relationships in love, from what I read in the Bible.

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