True Love: How Do You Know When You Find It?

by Jack Wellman on January 15, 2012 · Print Print · Email Email

How do you know it is true love when you find it?  How can you be sure it is true love or just infatuation?  What are the differences between lust and love?

True Love

It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.

The World’s Definition of Love

Most people use the word love loosely.  They love their team…they love to win…the love the spring, but this is not really the essence of love.  The dictionaries definition of love is a tender affection for someone or something; a romantic or sexual feeling for someone; to like something or someone very much.  None of these definitions will help someone who is looking for true love that would lead to marriage.  Love is not just a noun, it is a verb; it’s what you do that is truly love.  For example, Christ loves the church. Did He just have affection or feelings for them?  No!  He loved the church so much that He took action.  He died for those who would come to Him in trusting faith.  For any that come to Him and place their trust in Him, His blood was spilled so that they could have an eternal relationship with Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Jesus’ love was so powerful that He willingly gave His life for those who belong to Him.

Lust on the other hand is something that is more like coveting or gratifying the flesh. There is no good thing that has ever come out of lust between an unmarried couple.  Premarital sex is forbidden by God and any sexual contact between a man and a woman can quickly lead to sexual immorality.  Jesus said that even lusting after a man or woman in their heart is the same thing as committing adultery (Matt 5:28).  A couple that lives together for the sake of “getting to know them better“ faces higher risks of adultery and the rates of divorce are much higher than those who do not.  Living together is sin according to the Bible.  There are no reasons good enough to cohabitate with another person for the sake of knowing if they would make a good husband or wife.

How do you Know When You Find True Love?

If you are someone who is looking for true love, there are many things to take into consideration.  If you are a believer, the Bible says that we must not be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14).  This means that Christians are commanded to not marry someone who is not a believer.  You can not have a mixed marriage.  An believer can not be married to an unbeliever any more than you can mix oil with water.  The two might fit into a jar, but they will not mix and will always tend to separate because of their spiritual nature.  In the case of non-believers and Christians, they  may agree on some things but will disagree on many of the most important issues.

When you find your soul mate or “the one”, you may not recognize them right away.  They will not always be able to finish your sentences or know what you are thinking.  They likely will know how you feel about having children, what you believe about disciplining children, whether you want to live in the city or the country, or whether you like football or ballet.  It is not a “falling in love” as much as it is a growing in love.  It is not impossible but it is truly a rare thing for someone to love a person at first sight.  It is hard to look into the heart and know what they are like.  The only way you can really know what type of person they are is to spend time with them.  This means spending times that are good and times that are bad; times of good health and times of sickness; times of enduring patience and times of outbursts of anger.  One counselor told me that if you want to know how a man or woman will treat you after you are married, look how they treat their parents.

As a father of a daughter, I treat her with unconditional love, I am polite to her, I open doors for her, I love her despite her faults or behaviors and I buy her things that I know that she will like.  I try to never hurt her but I am not perfect of course.  I have made many mistakes and will make more in the future but I am eager to utter perhaps the five most important words anyone can say to their children or their spouse: “I’m sorry” and “I love you.” I want to set the bar at a level where she will not be satisfied with any man treating her in a lesser way than the way that her father did.  In my doing this, I am showing her reasonable expectations that a man should be showing her, in being considerate of her feelings, and in being quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness.  I want her future husband to be able to apologize and to admit mistakes.  That is a human love that I pray and desire for my only daughter.

The Bible’s View of True Love

Nearly everyone at one time or another has sought love.  A desire to love and to be loved.  Humans are born with the need for love and several studies suggest that even babies that are denied love will die without it.  A spouse who loses their long-loved mate will often die within years of the death of their husband or wife.  A biblical definition of love is valued above that of a human definition because the Word of God is true and never varies with the culture and times.  God’s love remains unchanging over eternity and is not conditioned upon a person’s conduct or behavior.

When I was dating my wife before marriage, we became best friends.  I think this is vital.  Friends confide in each other, they share things with each other that they do not share with others; they know that they can trust this person even when they discover the worst things about them.  Your best friend is someone you can share your joys, your sorrows, your victories, and your defeats with.  In my opinion and from my own personal experience, unless a couple becomes best friends first, they can not become a successful husband and wife.  A friend knows your weaknesses, they know your strengths, they know your faults…yet, they still love you.  You can marry someone you are not best friends with or with someone you don’t know well, but you can not expect the marriage to be the best. Surely even godly marriages have problems and in fact every marriage on the face of the earth go through difficulties, but marrying someone you do not know well is asking for trouble. Jesus knows our hearts, He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows our weaknesses and our strengths, and He is prepared to marry us – collectively – the church, which is called His bride.

Christ’s Love for the Church

Christ loved the church (His Bride) so much that He died for her.  He is engaged to the church and she is called the Bride of Christ.  He gave His life for His bride. There has been no greater love that has ever existed than Jesus has for His church – and some day soon He will marry her at the marriage supper feast, when Christ marries His bride.  The Bride is to prepare herself today and make herself ready.  Jesus said that He is coming again and will forever be with His church and will never divorce her like God was forced to do with Old Testament Israel because of their infidelity.

God commands the wife to love her husband but even more important is for her to respect her husband.  A wife is to be loved by her husband with a life-sacrificing love that is an image of how Christ loves the church.  By no means will it be that type of perfected love, but that is what she needs most.  He needs respect the most.  To her, being loved is of the utmost importance…for him, she shows him love by respecting him (Eph 5).  These are the ways that men and women are wired by God.  God has made them male and female in such a particular way. Even though they have differences, the opposite tendencies make them complete and as one.  Marriage is a miracle in some sense because men and women are so radically different.  This may be what attracts one to the other.  Each have particular abilities and strengths that make a wholeness in a marital unit that a single man or woman alone can never have.

Time Will Tell

The advice that I have heard frequently is that to really know a man or woman well enough to marry they should have a period of engagement:  No longer than 12 months but no shorter than 3 is what most Christian marriage counselors suggest.  Prayer is the most critical step.  It should be obvious that pre-marital counseling is also crucial. You will have a feeling of peace over an extended period of time about someone you are planning to marry or are thinking about marrying. You will have known them long enough to see them at their worst and to see them at their best.  You will have seen how they react to certain situations and to see what type of spouse they would be in a marriage.  You may have seen them around children and can gather what type of parent they would be and perhaps how they would react under pressure.

I can not emphasize enough the fact that you need to talk to a godly marriage counselor or pastor, go through some personal inventory questions over personality issues, establish whether you desire to have children or would rather not and what type of security there is in each others present situations in life.  One article alone is not enough to guide you through such an important and lifelong decision.  After you have went through all the things that I just mentioned, you will begin to have an inner peace, an eager expectation to be with them as much as possible and a feeling of being completely miserable when you are not together.  No one should ever marry someone to complete their life or think that this will solve their problems.  Also, never marry someone who has a substance or alcohol abuse problem and think that they can cure them of it.

I believe you will know the right one by the way he or she treats his or her mother and father, how he or she acts around children, what his or her mannerisms are like in public, what movies he or she likes and doesn’t like. These will show you a lot about them.  Even more important, does he or she pray with you if you go out to dinner in public, does he or she read the Bible frequently, does he or she know the Bible, what is his or her language like, does he or she attend church?  Maybe some or all of these will help you find your true love.

The first marriage ceremony was performed by God.  In my opinion, my wife was sent by God’s sovereignty.  She is like a precious gift from God to me.  Marriage is an institution designed and created by God.  It is not good for man or woman to be alone but be cautious because God hates divorce (Mal 2:16).  I believe it is God who joins the husband and wife together…and when God has joined them together, the two become one flesh (Gen. 2:24, Mark 10:8) .  There is no more special relationship in the human race than that of husband and wife.  This takes time, effort, prayer, counseling and education, but when you find it there is nothing greater on this earth than finding true love and doing so in the way God intended for you to do it.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like reading this one also:

1 Corinthians 13: Bible Summary and Study on Love

Resources:

New International Bible (NIV)
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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{ 203 comments… read them below or add one }

Idrees ibraheem jibreen March 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Hi dear my sir really i’m very appreciate for your respond to ous
actually i was fall in love of my sister but i dosen’t know how to told her. my heart would be very annoyed to her i’m very re-iterered to her when ever i start thinking her i’m not sleep i’m not doing anything so i need your suggestion

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Jack Wellman March 4, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Let me see if I understand this. You fell in love with your sister or someone your sister knows? I would suggest you make Jesus your first love and seek His kingdom first (Mat 6:33). We are not to put anything or anyone before God. I am worried that you are putting your own love for someone over your love for God. It should be loving God first, then loving others next. In any event, have you talked with this lady? I hope it is not your own sister you are talking about. Please let me know so I can help you more. The more I know the more I can help you my friend. Thank you for visiting us.

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Emmily April 19, 2013 at 1:21 am

Hi Jack.
How can tell this man that i love him because i really feel that he could be my future husband and yet we are just friends.

Should I think that he has the same feeling that I have for him or I should just look at him like because whenever I get closer to him I feel like not leaving him alone. and this is not lust. (We are both born again Christians but he a student and me am a working lady and single mum)
What should I do, should i stop talking to him or I stop getting closer to him.
thank you
God bless you.

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Jack Wellman April 19, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Emmily, try this. Invite him over for a dinner for some evening and see what he says. You will say that you like him so much more than just by waiting and hoping. See what he says. You have nothing to lose but doing nothing or stop talking to him will not help for then you will always wonder….”What if?” Why not invite him over after church services or ask if you could sit with him at church. Just try these two things first and pray to God for God controls the human heart (Prov 21:1) and if it is God’s will…we know then that it is best for you. Let me know what happens. I will pray right now for you.

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KISURA March 5, 2013 at 12:29 am

Dear jack,
Thank you for prompt answer,
But my question was, When I am looking for my husband, Is that right to have some criteria for kind of a person I am looking for? Example, his appearance, education level, job, tribe, and his character. What do you think in biblical way, in true love their is a criteria of loving someone or not? Hope now you understand my question right.

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Jack Wellman March 5, 2013 at 10:33 am

Hello Kisura. I believe it is wrong to have criteria that looks at the outside. Not that we should not be attracted to a man or woman who is beautiful or handsome but God looks at the heart as the most important. Many who have a good education, have a great job, a good appearance are great sinners or they are full of pride which makes them a bad choice for a mate. Now character is what a person does when no one is looking. The criteria for whether you should love someone or not that you gave is not good. You should look for someone who is passionate to know God, has repented from their sin, is a born-again Christian, and is humble.

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Kris July 4, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Excellent response. I married a very intelligent, handsome, athletic , talented , highly educated man who feigned humilty, was caring and nice but had no desire to handle any kind of heat in regard to his faith. He apostated as soon as people he wanted to like him and were in positions to promote him began to reveal their opinion about God and marriage.

It has destroyed our lives. He has lived a selfish secret life.When this kind of duplicity is revealed it is devastating ..>LISTEN to JACK …He has defined what we need to look for when considering marriage or even friendships with others.

Integrity is revealed over time and devotion to the LORD and the truth takes some time to observe the truth and sincerity of the faith of some who come into our lives and we find attractive and seem to be so ‘right’ by even christian standards.

A long marriage is no indicator of the quality of the marriage …from the outside our marriage has appearances of being a good one…maybe even a great one …but it has been extremely lonely ….my husband is an empty suit now ..and does not make any effort to reconcile or heal the wounds his lifetime of selfish choices has wrought.

Listen to JACK!

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KISURA March 5, 2013 at 11:27 pm

Thank you Jack for quite and clear answer, I am blessed for your advice.

Have a nice work,.

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Idrees ibraheem jibreen March 6, 2013 at 1:30 am

Actually i was told you that she is my cloth sister i feell in her love sin when i was finished my graduation in our schooll which is very furtheless to ous but i dont know the porsibble way which she would be awared of that
hence when ever i visited her she looked me very glanced she turn all her attention and attraction to me if she start looking like television she will never wink her eyes with out looking me but i’m not talk to much to her the only thing which i’m doing to her is to request something out from her but i was head over heels in her affection
i aware that love of allmight god is the first way you should got modesty kiddnees and respect but i thing you have forgot that i’m true muslim
i thank you once again for your respond to me

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Jack Wellman March 6, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Hello again Idrees. I am sorry. I missed the fact that you are a true Muslim. If you “feel her love” then I wonder why she doesn’t pay any attention to you. If she is more interested in television then she might not be the best wife to have for what happens when you get married? Won’t she spend all her time watching television and pay no attention to you? It sounds like she may not be a good wife. Please pray to God to have Him help you but even Muslim’s, from what I know, put God first ahead of people. I pray it works out for you my friend. Thank you for visiting us.

I hope I don’t make you made. I am sorry if I do. Please read this link:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/who-is-jesus/

and this one just to know more about Christians:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/is-jesus-the-only-way-a-biblical-analysis/

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mere March 21, 2013 at 5:33 am

Hi there sir,I am a Christian n just got married last year feb..the day I got married is the day..I had a heart brake.you may ask y,my husband. Played up with me.all he does is assaulting ,rape.and try to take my life away.know m stuck in this marriage for iam a strong believe of the bible.but the thing that hurts me the most is m still young my husband is50 that m half his age.but never loves me never protect me.never surport me but does that to the gal who he has an affair wid…I wanna. Move on n start a new life but the marriage part has held me n its killing me for m still young

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Jack Wellman March 21, 2013 at 11:02 am

Hello Mere and thank you for your comment and concerns. This husband of yours sounds like he is not a Christian at all (1 John 3) and so we can pray that God will grant him repentance and covert his heart (Prov 21:1, Psalm 19:7).

One thing that worries me is that he is assualting you and abusing you. Have you called the police. This is a crime and it needs to be reported. Have you spoken with your pastor about this. He knows you better than I do as he can sit down with you face to face and advise you better in person.

Having said that, Perhaps Jesus or Paul never said that physical abuse was grounds for divorce because everyone (even the unsaved) knew it was clearly wrong! Why would we need a direct command from Paul or Jesus that abusing children sexually or physically is wrong when it is so obvious that it is wrong? Abuse and neglect break the marriage covenant. The Lord described the man’s companion as his wife by covenant and warned him not to deal treacherously with her (Malachi 2:14-15) and God even divorced Israel (Jer 3:8). The Hebrew word bagad, translated as treacherously, denotes unfaithfulness to the covenant.

In Deuteronomy 22:10, the husband was fined for publicly defaming his wife. This verse established the husband’s obligation not to ruin his wife’s reputation. Exodus 21 established penalties for personal injuries. For example, a master is not to strike a slave’s eye or knock out a slave’s tooth (Exodus 21:26). Using the same a fortiori argument as above, it is argued that a man must never beat his wife. Furthermore, it does not make sense that God would care about the wife’s reputation and then care nothing about her body. It is also persuasive to consider that if the penalty for striking parents was death (Exodus 21:15), it seems incongruous to consider that there would be absolutely no consequence for striking a wife.

God abhors and denounces violent behavior, which is an evidence of sin that brings God’s judgment. Because of violence, God destroyed the earth (Genesis 6:11-13). The Lord’s soul hates “the one who loves violence” (Psalm 11:5). Wickedness stirred up God’ anger (Ezekiel 7:3); in His pronouncement of punishment for wickedness, He declared that “violence has grown into a rod of wickedness” (Ezekiel 7:11). Proverbs characterized the violent as wicked (Proverbs 4:14-17) and treacherous (the Hebrew word bagad, meaning unfaithful, as noted above) (Proverbs 13:2). Does the promise before God to stay together until “death do us part” mean even by abuse? This is not what it meant at all.

I pray this helps. Perhaps you could encourage her with this. For more on biblical grounds for divorce, please read this article below.

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/reasons-for-divorce-what-does-the-bible-say/

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Seeker of Christ April 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

Good afternoon,

I met a gentleman at a church I attend when he played the piano for me at a funeral I sung at. I thought he was a very nice young Man and something about him stood out. I would see him time to time at church but at a far. I wouldn’t speak but something about him was very special. I’ve been seeking GOD as I’ve rededicated my life to Christ and seeking to change and be more like Christ because I’ve found that my true joy and peace is in serving Christ. I’ve recently joined the praise team and the young Man I would like to build a friendship with plays piano for the praise team. I’m initially shy, until I get to know a person then I’m a social butterfly with a big personality.I feel and believe maybe I should continue to just seek GOD and if it is meant for us to become friends then it will be. I’ve only attended two praise team rehersals thus far. When I see him I smile but I haven’t held a conversation with him. I know he is not married but I’m not sure if he is dating or courting anyone. I am a beautiful person on the inside and out and I’m not sure if he would think I would be interested in him, or if he is interested in me. I think about him often and feel guilty about it because I’m not sure if this behavior is wrong. These are not lustful thoughts but sweet thoughts. Please advise what I should do. I would like to meet my husband but I want to do everything the right way and wait on the Lord.

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Jack Wellman April 1, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Hello “Seeker.” I find no sin in what you are doing and I find it quite natural. God made us to be attracted to the opposite sex and there is no reason to feel guilt about this. I would say to ask this gentleman out for a cup of coffee or ask him just a general question about how he learned to play the piano. Just try to be friendly and see what happens. The asking him out for a cup of coffee might be too hard for you to do since I believe you are a shy person but at least strike up a conversation with him by asking him what he likes (obviously the piano and music) and see what happens. Pray for God’s will.

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Jacqueline April 2, 2013 at 4:18 am

Hello Mr. Wellman,

I really don’t know where to begin but here it goes. I have been married for 6 years which at the time when I met my husband I knew he had an issue with alcohol but ignored it because I thought well he had other “good” qualities(so wrong of me to believe this). Then when we got engage, in my mind, thought he would be willing to change or stop the habit for me but I was so naive to think this. Might I add, after 1 year of dating, we were married. However, as our relationship started, I begin to discover more of who God is, who I was to God, and His love for me. My husband has never been physically abusive but as a result of his alcohol usage it lead him inti repeatedly adultery and lying. As I grew in my relationship with God, the more I realize the mistake I made in marrying my husband. We been married for 6 years, but its been filled with nothing but misery, hurt, betrayal from him, and which 85% has been unhappy SERIOUSLY! This doesn’t include the neglect of all of my needs, he can’t communicate nor respond to communication, told me he loves his family more than me, and that he didn’t know if he could choose between alcohol or me as his wife ( I know its sad). We have been seperated more than actually being together as husband and wife but I STILL would take him back because I desired for my marriage to work. He is totally delusional in regards to his alcoholism and plus he comes from a generation of alcoholics such as both his parents and siblings. We now have been seperated for 11 months however this time things are different for me. Let me include I am unemployed with 2 kids however I am filled witg God’s peace, my home is peaceful, chldren are happy, and God is supplying my EVERY need! God has shown me my worth and shown me He wants nothing but the best for my kids and me. I have NO intentions of going back to my husband unless he receives God and be filled with His Holy Spirit. Since this seperation, God has revealed my calling which is to lead and encourage other young women which has now been going strong at my church and I LOVE THE MINISTRY! I am praying to God for His will to be done regarding divorce but had concerns regarding children visitation which husband is very irresponsible, is an alcoholic, hangs in an alcoholic environment which is a NO NO for my kids! Just wanted your view concerning my situation and any godly advice regarding marriage, etc. Thankyou so much for your time!

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Jacqueline April 2, 2013 at 4:35 am

I also wanted to add, though my husband has done all the things he done towards our marriage, I finally realize that I can’t change him nor get him to receive God. These are all desires my husband has to want for himself. I as a wife to him have done all I can to try to make our marriage work but I couldn’t do it alone. I feel in my heart that I now have to him go and continue to pray for him. I still from time to time struggle with the hurt fron the marriage and why I put up with so much mess from him but I can truly say it has taught me a lesson that I am to wait for the mate that Gid has for me and a wordly relationship is no longer good enough for me. I love this journey that God has me on and its all about God first includibg in my relationships! Peace and blessings!

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Jack Wellman April 2, 2013 at 4:49 pm

Hello Jacqueline. Thank you for your comments above. What a hard road this must be for you and your children to travel. I agree with you that this type of alcoholic environment is not for children. I believe that God may powerfully use you, if He has not already done so, to help other women whose husbands are living in alcoholism. You are so right…you can not change him but you have tried your best in praying for him and trying to reason with him. God is capable and He alone of changing the human heart (Prov 21:1). What does your husband think about his life without you? I see he made his choice to love alcohol over a godly wife and mother. That is so sad. I love your encouraging comment at the end where you love this journey that God has you on. Wow. This shows your faith in Him is so strong. May God richly bless your ministry to help others for you yourself know what its like. Thank you. Your an encouragement to me and I am sure to many others. I will pray for you and your husband to repent, confess his sin and see the need for a Savior.

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Jacqueline April 2, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Thankyou so much Mr. Wellman for you response!:) Since our separation, he has gotten worse with his behavior. He is drinking even more heavily now, he sees other women according to a family source,and even more delusional about his addiction because he is living with his parents whom are alcoholics. Yet with all this being said, he still feels as if I want him back with nothing changing! NO WAY NO HOW! Its as if he wants me to be delusional with him and just accept him the way he is but not this lady! God wants the best forme and settling for anyone or anything less just want do including my husband! We as women have to know our worth and who we belong too which is our Heavenly Father! My husband has a many strongholds in his life and sadly he doesn’t realize how he is allowing the devil to use him. This is no longer my battle to fight. I have put him in God’s hands. My kids and I are at peace and happy. I will continue to pray for him and I thank you Mr. Wellman for your prayers and comments :)! May God continue to bless you greatly!!

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Jack Wellman April 2, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Thank you Jacqueline. God may yet reach this mans heart. He must first reach the rock bottom and have all else lost before he can only look up. I am glad you care enough still for his soul after all he has done to you. Currently, he is like most lost people. They equate what the “believe” is more important than God’s truth. Only God alone can change this man’s heart (Prov 21:1) and that is what we can pray for. As you know, it takes repentance, godly sorrow for our sins, confession of our sins and then putting our trust in Jesus Christ to save us. He must first reach the end of his rope before God can be found there waiting for him.

We have a couple of articles that you can read and copy and paste to print off for him to read and see what he thinks. Thus you can sow the seed of God’s Word. Maybe mail them to him anonymously. One is “Is Jesus the Only Way?” at:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/is-jesus-the-only-way-a-biblical-analysis/

Another is “Who Goes to Heaven? Do Good People Go to Heaven?” at:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/who-goes-to-heaven-do-good-people-go-to-heaven/
There is real power in the Word of God and then leave it up to God to convict him for only God the Father can draw people to Christ (John 6:44) but He does use people to do this.

With the Word of God, and a Woman of God (you), with the Spirit of God…God can make children of God. Don’t despair. Even Saul (later Paul) was a murdering enemy of the church yet God changed his heart completely. I’ll pray for that with you.

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Jacqueline April 3, 2013 at 3:57 am

Thankyou soo much Pastor Wellman!! I so appreciate your time and the actual opportunity to share my story with someone with my same beliefs. I MOST Definitely will read the articles you provided and share them with my husband. Though my husband has hurt me, I knew in my heart as a child of God that I had to let go of ALL the ill feelings and allow God to totally heal me. I now realize that it is not him but the spirits within my husband that is leading him down a path of destruction. For this reason, I know I have to continue to pray for his deliverance. You have been a blessing to me and I so humbly again thankyou!!

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neyour April 4, 2013 at 2:31 pm

Sir,thanks for your write up, may God give u strength to write more.sir,i am a student, but somethings is worry about this love. My teaher told me that love at teenage is lost is it true? I am 18 years old now,i pray 4 my marriage in future and also my partner in future.but i have a female friend that is very close to me,she is nearly my best friend.we do things together like praying togeher,go to school and encourage yourself with word of God.i can see that she help me in my life.should i have a relationship with her or not.

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Jack Wellman April 4, 2013 at 8:03 pm

Thank you Neyour for your comment and question. Your teacher can not possibly know the future. I know many who met as children and teens and became a wonderful couple who are still to this day happily married. I don’t see why you should not have a close relationship with your female friend. As long as it doesn’t get sexual and you have rules for not crossing this line I see nothing wrong with it, especially since she is a follower of Christ.

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faith April 7, 2013 at 10:48 am

Hello Pastor Wellman,

I would like to ask if Good people who are non-believers, do the same good as Christians, do they still deserve to be with a Christian partner? The reason why I asked this is because, I’m currently with this non believer and he’s really a good guy just that he doesn’t believe that in Christ. I tried asking him to go with me and he went. But the thing is that I feel that he is just going to listen for the sake of listening. However, he doesn’t mind me attending church. When I got together with him, it was before re-delicating my life back to Christ. And now, I decided to re-delicate my life to God again. So, right now, I’m really confused as I don’t know whether will this relationship goes far or should I put at end to it since we have dated for about a year plus. I’m really in a dilemma. I hope you can help me with this issue. Thanks!

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Jack Wellman April 7, 2013 at 9:35 pm

Faith, thank you so much my friend for your question. As a longtime pastor, marriage counselor, I beg you to not even think about dating a non-believer, not to mention every marrying him. The Bible is clear that a believer — a Christ-follower should not marry a non-believer. In fact, they should not even be dating a non-Christian. Why? For one thing, the Bible teaches that Christians are not to marry, not to mention even date, non-believers. Paul said “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness” (2 Cor 6:14). It’s like mixing water and oil. They will never mix properly and one will always tend to separate from the other.

Like Paul said, “what fellowship can light have with darkness?” We are commanded to “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Eph 5:11). If you are a Christian and dating or engaged to a non-Christian, John gives a clear warning; “If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth” (1 John 1:6).

Paul also said, “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals” (1 Cor 15:33). If you are a Christian and marry a non-Christian, then you will tend to be less effective in your walk with Christ because you will be heavily influenced by the unbelieving spouse. Besides that, God commands believers not to marry unbelievers. That should be reason enough.

For more on this subject, I beg you to immediately read this article below:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/christian-advice-before-marriage/

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Gudthin April 17, 2013 at 2:34 pm

God bless u sir, for taking out time to respond to peoples heartfelt. Iam a 28 years young female evangelist. I have lived a decent life since my childhood,but one thing that is bordering my heart right now is not funny at all. I hav keepon wondering why godly men find it so difficult to ask a responsible christian lady hand in marriage,compare to those that are worldly guys. Worldly guys have b pursuing me since my teenage year, but i choose to keep my body for the man of God,that God has destned for me. Right now i have a pastor friend, whom iam attracted to, i love him very much & i dnt know how to know if he luvs me too, but anytime he sees me, he will b shaking like someone that is scared. We have b friend for almost 7 month now, he has b the most humble and nice man i have ever seen& i have show him only goodness, He is still not saying anything. He is still yet to propose. What do you suggest i do? Why are godly men not sharp in wooing a godly lady?.

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Jack Wellman April 17, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Hello my friend. I know what you mean. The worldly men will offer many temptations but I am glad you want to remain pure for the Lord’s glory. I would just go up to the pastor and ask him if he would like to have dinner after Sunday services. Just be friendly and openly honest about your desire to be “friends.” Let the rest up to the Lord. Trust Him and wait on Him, rely on His timing, and read Psalm 37 for more about God’s timing always being better than ours. Seek God’s kingdom first over marriage (Matt 6:33) and God will add all other things for you.

Godly men may be just as shy as the pastor is. You must try to first become friends. Then let the rest up to God. You must trust Him in all things.

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Buchi April 18, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Pastor. please am having this problem of been afraid of speaking in a public even in the house of God and at home whever i asked to speak to to people or pray my heart will start biting loud i will start feeling like jumping out of my self and at this process what i would say will just vanished on air. i felt so bad and it become disappointment and disgrace to me. please help me

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Jack Wellman April 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm

I am so sorry Buchi. Remember when God asked Moses to speak to Pharoah and ask him to let God’s people go and Moses said that “I can not speak.” He may have had a speech or stuttering problem but God said, “Am I not the One Who made your mouth?” Just pray to God and speak only in small sentences. Pray before you speak. Ask Him for the courage and remember that these church members are your friends and speak to them as you would your brother or sister. Try practicing in front of a mirror. Memorize what you want to say. Don’t lose hope or heart, God has plans to use you…perhaps even to those who haven’t heard about Christ. You can pass out Bible tracts to the lost without saying a word! Let God’s Word speak thru you and ask God to speak words thru you.

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Buchi April 19, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Thank God for u. Pastor i must say that am very grateful for mail back may Almight God continue strengthing u and power u with more abilities and wisdom and give u more anointing of service and also bless u and ur family in all aspect of life in might name of jesus christ Amen

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MFS April 20, 2013 at 12:14 am

Hi Pastor Wellman,

I have this close guy friend of more than 6 years. We met at church (youth ministry and all) and until now, we’ve graduated college and recently started working, we’re still really close friends (it wasn’t as smooth as this but obviously, quality of friendship grows within time). He’s already admitted to me that he likes me, even way back in high school and I have always rejected or brushed off his confession of feelings for me.

Now that we’re already adults, he unfortunately confessed that he still likes me. I couldn’t shake him off despite brushing him off more than twice just this year. I kept telling him let’s just be friends. Honestly, I think I might have been just denying myself that I do have feelings for him but I’m not sure of it yet. I don’t want to say it’s really love because of the feelings I have.

I hope you understand my little dilemma because he’s really a best friend and he views me the same except that he says he loves me. I don’t want to jump into a supposed relationship because I just feel all the butterflies, I want to be sure that it is God telling me so. I’ve had relationships before and I’ve never once asked God for guidance in them, and I think they were all based on infatuation that I thought was love. I want to do right this time because I love God and I want to please Him and most of all I want the relationship that God wants for me.

I know the standards God wants for us, not to yoke with an unbeliever that a man should be a leader, especially a spiritual leader and of course plus all the other characteristics of him being able to support a family and all. What do you think I should do? I think I should tell him how I feel and that we should really really devote time in prayer about how we feel for each other and ask for God’s will. Then what? Should we continue our friendship as it is or should we placing in a bit of distance? Not that we’re dancing in the flames of temptation but I’m just confused on what to do, I’ve never experienced this before hence the confusion or I maybe over thinking things, so I want to get somebody else’s say on this. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time! :)

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Jack Wellman April 20, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Hello MFS. I believe that couples must first become best friend and only then should they take it to the next level. What have you got to lose by telling him how you feel? If you wait and don’t, perhaps he’ll move on to someone else not knowing how you feel.

You mentioned you know that God commands us to not date or marry someone we are not unequally yoked with but this means a non-believer marrying or dating a believer, not someone who is at a different spiritual level. Is this what you meant? I do hope others will add something to this discussion. I also believe you should speak with your pastor and see what he says.

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Zolani Hade April 22, 2013 at 3:42 am

Dear Pastor Wellman

Can I ask your advise…? I have this female friend that I met while I was working in some supermarket 2 years back and at that time I was 19 years just finished my high school. We were not close per say but we got along very well and I had her on facebook until recently( I ended up deleting her but now I am regretting it). I am super in love with her, not a single day goes by without thinking about her literally. Every time when I see her photo or think about her the only think I see is”my future wife”, I see a family! I am a born again Christian so is her. She loves Lord Jesus so much, humble, respectful and grounded. She behaves in a respectful manner that a woman should in terms of what she says and wear. Her strong faith in Christ just makes me to fall in love with more. I want to love her like Christ love the church, I want to love her like God loves her. I am university student(22yrs now) studying a six year course and she(21) is studying teaching while working as a teacher assisted. The question I have is will she wait for me until I graduate and marry her thats if she gives me a chance to love and treat her the she deserves to be treated… I didn’t want to just tell her how I was and still feeling about her so while I was friends with on faceebook I sent her a inbox so that we can become close first and tell her how HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. she never replied so every time I would go to her profile just to check up on her but then I realise that I shouldn’t be doing that so I decided to delete.

I currently studying in a different province but we live in the same time and province so I might see her this June holidays.
She has those qualities I want in a future wife( not physical appearance). My question how do I tell her my plans for us or how much I LOVE HER and I really believe we can grow in Christ together by praying for each other and praying together.
I have been praying about this and the funny thing is that every time after praying about this I would feel more close to her or should I say I would that its a right to fall in love with her.

Thank you in advance.

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Jack Wellman April 22, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Hello Mr. Hade. I would tell her what you are feeling or if she would like to go out for dinner. You have nothing to lose but please know that we must first love the Lord our God above all other things, including people (Matt 6:33). You have nothing to lose by telling her but I am concerned that she never replied to your message. Trust God, God knows who is the best mate for you. The time may not be right but ask for God’s will in your life above your own desires and will and trust Him.

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Zolani Hade April 22, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Thank you so much Pastor Wellman
I also believe that one must seek God first before anything and that one must find their identity through Christ first and become a whole individual. I don’t believe that people should complete each other, I do believe though that people must come together as two full complete individual whose paths are directed by Lord-Jesus.
I will continue to pray about it and have the faith of Abraham. I just wanted to get an opinion from someone who is spiritually matured and who matured and experienced as well. But is it wrong though to fall in love with her, I mean to think about her and the future I will have with her at this point in time.(while studying a demanding course).
Thank Pastor.

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Cherubim April 25, 2013 at 8:14 am

Hello Pastor Jack Wellman,
I’m 22 and she is 20.i have known this lady(C) for 3 years now and we want to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage.
But,Since i got to know her,i had an acquaintance(B) who became so close to me because he wanted her(C).
I tried everything i could to get the lady(C) love my friend(B).the mistake i think my friend did was that,he never had any friendship ties with the lady but wants to go out with her all at once.
Now,my friendship with the lady has grown so much so that we now have now fallen in love with each other.
We now want to go out but my other friend’s actions are inhibiting us.he has made lots of people think he was going out with the lady in the first place.i have this slight fear people may think i have “snatched” my friend’s girl which only GOD in heaven knows i did not.she can also attest to this best.also,my friend(B) puts up some self-pity attitude as though he is going to die if he doesnt go out with the lady.all these bother me a lot,but we now love each other so dearly and are very best friends now.should i still go ahead?,is there a more biblical way to talk to my friend(B)?.
(During the 3 yrs of friendship and also of making her(C) love my friend(B), i went into a relationship with a different girl with (C)’s consent but it didnt work out.she(C) later told me she was not slightly bothered by that decision i had taken because she believed in the fact that “if something is meant to be,it will be”)

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Jack Wellman April 25, 2013 at 11:14 am

Hello Cherubim. You must make your decision on whom you want to be with not on what others think, including your friends, but based upon your heart. Do not let others influence who you should or should not be with. True friends will always wish us to be happy with whom we will be with and not based upon jealousy or envy. Decide for yourself if this person is right for you…don’t let others influence you because whom we will be with, perhaps as a mate for life, must be from the heart and not affected by what others think. Does this help Cherubim? I pray it does.

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Cherubim April 25, 2013 at 12:07 pm

Yes!!. I think it really helped.technically it confirmed some thoughts i had up in mind.God bless you soo much.i had just read my bible then and my mind was wandering,so i decided to google up any help forum or something.this is timely,this is Godsent.thanks a million!!!!.

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Jack Wellman April 25, 2013 at 12:11 pm

Wow….such an encourager you are. You can never, ever go wrong reading the Bible for it in are the Words of life. Please come back again for we have hundreds of articles that you can find in the search box at the top, right hand corner for whatever you want to know.

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Gudthin April 26, 2013 at 2:27 am

Sir what should i do to the man of God in my life? I was sick, he never called me to ask me to show concern about my health. He informed him,but he never call or even send a text. Sir, should i confront him or just let him be? Or Should i ask him if he is in a relationshipwith another lady?. Pls sir i need ur urgent counsel.

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Jack Wellman April 26, 2013 at 12:36 pm

I would not try any more. If this man is meant to be your mate for life, then God will not allow him to be lost. You must trust God. To keep on contacting him when he isn’t contacting you back shows that he may not truly care and you don’t want a mate for life like that. Trust God, wait upon His timing. Put Christ first and foremost and then He will add all other things to your life (Matt 6:33). Jesus should be our first love over all things, including others.

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Shola May 3, 2013 at 3:29 pm

Hello Sir,

What is your advise on a long distance relationship? And how can one make it works?

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Jack Wellman May 3, 2013 at 9:06 pm

Hello Shola. I would first talk with your own pastor. Do you have one? Do you attend a Bible-believing church? If not, you are being disobedient to Hebrews 10 (I believe it is).

Long distance relationships are very, very difficult for there is no way to grow closer in friendships getting to know each other, no way in getting to know about each other, and the long distance and time makes for a lonely friend. I don’t know if this can work unless you know that you will eventually be together or at least can see each other every few months at minimum.

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Shola May 4, 2013 at 10:28 am

Hello Sir, first of all, I want to thank you for your respond and also let you know that I appreciated your efforts and services you are rendering via this medium. May the Lord continue to bless you and use you for his glory.

Yes, I have a church that I worshipped at, but am not really close to the church pastor. The reason is because am not a full member of the church, I only worship there. I am a member of another church, but because I relocated to another state, that’s why I just choose this church to worship with and not become a member with the hope that when I moved back to where I was before, I still plan to continue as a member there.

I agree with what you said about the long distance relationship, however it has been a challenge for me finding the right woman for me here, and that’s why I decided to give long distance relationship a chance and see if I can make it works. It is in my plan to go and visit her and meet her family. But how do I know if she is God’s wil for me?

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Jack Wellman May 4, 2013 at 1:46 pm

My friend, I don’t think that a pastor has to be close to you in order to speak with you. I would invite anyone inside or outside of the church, which is why I am trying to help you.

There are two wills of God….one is the revealed will of God which can be known…to glorify God and enjoy Him forever and here is one of His wills we know for us to do…and it is revealed in Romans 12:1-3 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The other will of God is the hidden or secret will or counsel of God. I can not tell you what God’s will is for your life…that is for God to do. How will you know if it is God’s will to pursue this woman? If you do the revealed will of God (like in Romans 12:1-13) then and only then will He reveal His secret will to you. I would say try this relationship and pray to God for it to flourish and prosper or come to an end and that way you can clearly know for sure. God will not prosper this relationship if it doesn’t turn out well and then you will know whether its God’s will or not but first….do Romans 12:1-3.

For more on “How to Find God’s Will in Your Life” please check out this article my friend at:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/how-to-find-gods-will-in-your-life/

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Shola May 29, 2013 at 11:19 am

Thank you pastor, I will do as you had advised. God bless you.

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Pleasure May 15, 2013 at 11:26 am

I’m hvin a little problem in my relationship. We agreed nt to defile ourselves until marriage but somtimes he has d urge to do it probably wen he’s lonely nd den 4gets wat we agreed bt i don’t giv in. Now he feels i’m hurtin him bt d truth is dat i’m nt goin to compromise. Pls wat wil i do

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Jack Wellman May 15, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Hello Pleasure…shame on this man. If he is truly a Christian then he knows that sex outside of marriage is sin. He said that he is hurting you! That’s outrageous. Tell this man to read this article and if he is like this, I would be careful in marrying this man because if he wants sex outside of marriage, what makes you think that he’ll be faithful once you are married. That is, he may commit adultery once you are married. I personally would tell him that maybe he is not right for you. He is lusting in his heart and trying to make you commit fornication. This many may not be a true Christian. Read 1 John chapter 3 and see why I say this.

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Mkw May 21, 2013 at 7:30 pm

Mr. Wellman: I am dating a younger man who admittedly did lots of immoral things prior to us dating. He has recently been in trouble with the law and has since been going to church weekly. I teases me about “you’d let me see other women” and things of this nature. He has already lied to me about several issues in the five months we have been dating. I am strongly physically attracted to him. We did engage in premarital sex, and when I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit I told him we must stop. He at first said he would return to his “old life” only later to say he would wait for me. He treats me very, very well. He is patient, kind to the upmost degree. He is trying. Is it a wrong relationship or maybe just his age (25)? Don’t really know if these are “bad signs”?

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Jack Wellman May 22, 2013 at 10:09 am

Hello Mkw and thank you for your comment and question. I sense that there are some issues that trouble you, otherwise you would not have came here to read this article. It is obvious that this man is not completely reliable at least right now. The fact that he didn’t feel convicted by this premarital sex but you did seems to indicate that he is either not saved or he doesn’t see any problem with this. His wanting to return to his “old life” is of concern to me. I strongly urge you to get some counseling before anything further happens. I don’t see any problem with dating a younger man but the fact that he has been in trouble with the law and has some sinful tendencies bothers me. What trouble did he have with the law? A person can go to church but that doesn’t mean that they are regenerated or born again. Get counsel from your pastor. Tell him what you told me.

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swati May 25, 2013 at 1:13 am

Dear Jack sir
i am aged 19 years and i have 2 questions..
though fully under his control i often fall victim to minor lusts..i know this is natural…n i am a baptized christian too…since it troubles me too much i checked out on your wonderful article.thank u so much.can u suggest me a simple short prayer against temptation.and plz pray for me.
and secondly may i ask sth NOT related to love…coz u r a man of God…
sir, i m preparing long for the bureaucrats exam in my country..if i become a public servant will it cost me my aim to work for the Lord?will it leave me too busy…i am afraid..plz pray that i may serve him till death ..and please advise.

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Jack Wellman May 25, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Amen Swati to your prayer request. Let us know how your test goes please.

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Sbto May 28, 2013 at 10:38 am

Hello Jack. I have known a Christian woman for the past eight years, we both have older teenage children. Through strange coincidences I’ve thought that she may be the one for me. We did become involved in premarital sex. We had a cycle of getting together and breaking up. The break-ups were due to my not calling her, not arguments. She has always sent me birthday greetings and we’ve kept in e-mail contact. I don’t see her for up to one year at a time. I am concerned that I do not really love her and am reluctant to ask her to marry me. For the past year and a half, I may take her to a movie, but have not allowed sex to happen. I am worried about the impact on her children as they live with her, and I feel my delay has hurt their mind and spirit. My children don’t stay with me for the most part, but they both like her. I am also concerned as this seems to be mirroring my first marriage…that is my allowing her to stay around without me making serious moves while sending such mixed messages until I feel obligated to say, “ok, what the heck, let’s just go ahead and get married”. I am thinking perhaps I need to just stay single (I’m 50) and just wait for the end to come.

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Jack Wellman May 28, 2013 at 4:54 pm

Hello SBTO. Like I told anothe person with a similar problem, I can not tell you whether this is right or not but you must do it for you and for her. If you are not 100% certain, don’t marry her. Don’t marry her for the children’s sake as that is not a biblical reason at all for the children will grow up and leave some day if they are not already have done so.

One way you will know in your heart if a person is meant for you is that you are absolutely certain, have no hesitation or doubts and if they are a regular Bible-reader, church-goer, and have fruits showing that they are living this life in 1 John chapter 3, 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and Romans chapter 12. If they are like this, not perfect of course, then you will more likely know them when you see their fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Bathte this idea in prayer and fasting too.

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ogundeyi May 28, 2013 at 11:09 am

hello sir, i’m confused in time of right partner, i want you to tell me how can i find a true love sir.

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Jack Wellman May 28, 2013 at 4:46 pm

My friend, I can not tell you who that true love will be or how to find them. Please re-read this article for you will know in your heart and if they are a regular Bible-reader, church-goer, and have fruits showing that they are living this life in 1 John chapter 3, 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and Romans chapter 12. If they are like this, not perfect of course, then you will more likely know them when you see their fruits of the Holy Spirit.

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Ebenezer June 24, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Hello sir, i really thank for your lessons. Please am seak tired and confuse. We are both lovers am she claims to love me and marry me. She’s rich while am not because i don’t have a good job at hand but still she said she doesn’t care she’ll marry me. All of a sudden and of a recent she changed. She does not answer my calls any more but before that she told me that she went to one of her pastors and they told her that am ok and a God faring Man but our marriage is not going to last forever that we’ll soon separate. So because of these she said i should get out of her life and she’s pray to God to remove the love i have for her in my heart *can God grant such prayers?*. But i believe she’s the woman for me. Am confuse,Sir and i don’t want to loose her for anything. Could this be a test of my love for her? Because she use to scare me before that her father will not allow up to marry. Tell me something,Sir. Am in tears

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Jack Wellman June 24, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Hello Ebenezer. Thanks for your comment. So sorry for your heartache right now. This must be truly hard. I am confused…you said that the pastor said you were okay and a God fearing man and that marriages will not last forever but then you say her father will not allow you to marry? Are you married now or engaged to be married?

If you are now married, the pastor that gave your wife or finance to whom you are going to marry counsel that its okay to divorce and that marriages don’t last forever is totally wrong. Your wife does NOT have biblical grounds for divorce and so she would be committing a great sin and also adultery if she remarried. Please have your wife and her pastor read this article that shows from God’s Word, the Bible, that she has NO grounds for divorce. I would find another church too because they are giving you false counseling and are not staying to to God’s Word.

If you are now not married, I would not want to marry this woman anyway for she sounds very unstable and not reliable. If you did marry her, she might leave you soon and so perhaps God is helping you by sparing you a bad marriage and divorce.

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KISURA June 27, 2013 at 6:56 am

Brother Ebenezer,
very sorry for situation your passing through, but I believe that, God is provider and he is there to provide our needs. So don’t be confused even though is hard to forget.

If you stick in the word of God, you will come out with testimonies.You will get what you want from God. Have a blessed day.

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Jane August 3, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Me and my boyfriend are both Christians. We are together for almost a year now. I have prayed and asked if he is the right one and I’m fairly sure that he is. I want our relationship to be steadfast in God but sometimes he doubts in God’s existence. How can I help him improve his relationship with God. I know I was put on his path to bring him back to God. Thank you

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Jack Wellman August 3, 2013 at 4:29 pm

Hello Jane and thank you for your comment and question. Now is the time to be sure this boyfriend is a born again believer. After you are married, you will be bound to him forever, biblically and then it will be too late. This doubt of God’s existence will be much worse over time. You can not lead him back to God or bring him to a path back to God for salvation is fully a work of God (John 6:44) and not of human effort. Please don’t set yourself up to be hurt for if Christ is not first in your life then He is not your Lord for if He is not Lord of all He is not Lord at all. I would suggest that you can only pray for Him for conversion is of God and not from us.

How do you know you were put in his path to bring him to God…what do you mean bring him back to God? Is he not with God now? If he doubts, then you can not put him on this path for that is God alone that can save us (Galatians).

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Steve August 4, 2013 at 7:31 pm

I’ve met a wonderful Christian woman. Actually, I’ve known her and her family for 30 years. I moved 25 years ago, but kept in loose contact with her brother. I went back across the country to see friends and it turned out I saw her. We had “crushes” on each other back then, and now we still really like each other even more-so after spending several hours discussing our marriages, relationship ups and downs, beliefs in different areas, concepts on relationships, communication and a belief that we would both like to wait until after marriage to consummate the marriage.
We have now discovered that each other are true believers. We are both divorced, both have children in mid-late teens.
My question: I had some extra-marital affairs when I was married about 15 years ago, as well as visiting massage parlors in the past year. I’m wondering if I should tell this new woman all of these former sins to give her a chance to reject me now. If nothing else, there would never be any surprises down the road if we were to be married. I just wouldn’t want her to feel that somehow there hadn’t been full honesty or full disclosure.

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Jack Wellman August 4, 2013 at 8:15 pm

Steve, I so admire your honesty and thank you for your comment and question. I believe you may have answered your own question when you concluded by saying that you didn’t want any surprises down the road and wouldn’t want her to feel that you had not been fully honest with her. If she is right for you, and since she is a Christian too, I don’t see this upfront honesty hurting anything. Who among us don’t have skeletons in the closet and even though I am a pastor, I told the church before I became pastor about mine and in fact, I opened my closet up for them to see them in full view. If she rejects you over this, then I do not believe she may be the right person for you since Christians are forgiven so very much more that we should surely forgive others much less of their past. By the way, this sin was not against her, and your are being honest about it now, and that was 15 years ago….

I love this saying about former, past sins haunting us. “When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.” May God richly bless you and your new marriage, which I believe will happen. At least I will pray for her to have a soft heart when you (or if you) tell her. If you still feel in your heart you don’t want to tell her then that is okay. The past is the past. I believe God would bless that situation too. You have not sinned by not telling her these things that happened so long ago that were not against her and besides, you have been forgiven them.

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pat August 5, 2013 at 8:46 am

i work at a christian bookshop where i met this guy who sys hes a pastor at a local church well we got talkin and he seemed marvel at me and kept staring, we talkd fir hours before he finally decided to leave: now he calls daily,calls me sweethert, told me he loved me and would like ti meet with me in a place i prefer.
i dont know wat to maje of it cos am nt in d least attracted to him right nw bt i dnt wnt to shut him off supposin hes Gods will for me.
hw do i handle it,isnt he too much in a hurry?

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ian August 9, 2013 at 2:56 am

i will never believe true love again. after so much we have done with each other. after so much promises. after so much future dreaming. kids, houses, pets, vacations… its been two month now, but every time i think of we were been together, every time i close my eye, think of our “dreamed future” and then i cry. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! i am too afraid to open my heart again for someone else, or i will never fully open my heart again… GOD, i just want her back…

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Chris August 9, 2013 at 7:36 am

Ian,

I know that feeling all too well and I can feel the pain in your words. Fortunately, we have a God who can heal all things, even a broken heart! Put your burdens upon the Lord of lords and the King of kings; he can make everything right. No matter how big our problems (or mountains, whatever you want to call them) seem, they are never too big for God. And always remember that you are not alone, God is with you everywhere you go. Like David says in Psalm 139: “Where can I go to escape your spirit? Where can I flee to escape your presence? If I were to ascend to heaven, you would be there. If I were to sprawl out in Sheol, there you would be. If I were to fly away on the wings of the dawn, and settle down on the other side of the sea, even there your hand would guide me, your right hand would grab hold of me.”

God is the great comforter and I pray that He sends His Holy Spirit to you right now to bring comfort and rest to your soul. That His Spirit fills you up with the fullness of joy that is found only in the presence of God! I’ll be praying for you.

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Steve August 11, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Hi Jack, and thank you for your previous response. Things have taken off with the emails and phone talks with my girl. I have an air ticket to see her in a couple weeks.

We are both adamant about no sleeping together before marriage. I mentioned to her that the next thing we need to discuss is what our physical boundaries will be. She does seem to think we will need a bit longer courting period, perhaps beyond a year, I’m not sure exactly yet, perhaps a bit longer. I’m ok with whatever the Lord puts in front of us.

Here’s the thing. If we were to start things like kissing, touching arms or backs I can see how (from experience) how we could/would put ourselves at serious risk, which I am not for. I am definitely having some daydreams about kissing her, so it’s not that there is no interest, I just know that I don’t want to unleash the animal inside me. She says she can control herself, and I may be (???), but there seems to be some element of unpredictability about that that I am uncomfortable with. Also, I feel it would be a bit tortuous, at least for me, to start, and then hold back. I feel that starting is ok, but one needs to be in a position (married) to be able to continue. On the other hand, I read somewhere that to know if you are sexually compatible, a kiss is one thing that will actually tell you that information.
So, a little bit of a quandary, but I feel that my love-interest is very up to talking about the issue and coming to a mutually agreeable conclusion.
One good point in all this, I definitely sense that the Lord is allowing me into a more moment-by-moment trust relationship with Him, which is what everyone always talks as being an important attainment.

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Jack Wellman August 11, 2013 at 4:38 pm

Thank you for visiting us Steven and for your comment. Let me speak frankly. This one year or more period is way too long for an engagement. In my counseling of potential marriage partners, the best time period for an engagement is 3 to 9 months at best. To have that long of an engagement period is to put yourself at risk for premarital sex and God will not leave unpunished or with no consequences anyone who has sex before marriage. I speak this in love, not in judging you.

The physical boundaries must not go beyond holding hands and kissing. Yes, you can tell in you love someone by being with them, but not only by kissing. Kissing can stimulate both of you to want to have more than just kissing. I would suggest dating in public. You should concentrate on shortening your marriage for Paul wrote it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Cor 7:9). Compatibility is NOT learned from kissing and in fact can skew or make a false compatibility reading. The best tool to learn to see if you are compatible is to be best friends, spend time walking in the park, going to the movies, riding bikes together, etc.

Again, do not let this engagement last a year or longer. You are asking for trouble in my experience.

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Steve August 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Thank you very much Jack. I really appreciate your feedback.

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KISURA August 12, 2013 at 6:33 am

Dear pastor Jack,
Thank you for your daily support.
I have my fiance over ten years now. He went abroad for further studies and he promised to marry me and he completed primary process in the family and engagement ring. For the 3 years we were communicating well, then after communication start to decline. But his promise is there, while many boys coming and proposed to marry me but I refuse to accept them. Now days even his cellphone is not available, mails return to me as spam mails, no reply, no communication.
I try to keep the promise because I am a born again Christian, but now I m fade up. I am 35 years old.
Many people laughing to me for refusing boys and now I am not married.
Because of this situation I think to enter into a relationship to someone and to be pregnant, in order to have my kid for my life and to be a single parent. What do you advise. Thank you

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Jack Wellman August 12, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Hello KISURA and thank you for your comment. Have you talked with your pastor about this? What does he say? The last thing and the worst thing you should do is to get pregnant to enter into another relationship. Sex outside of marriage is sin and that is called sexual immorality and those who do such things without repentance will not be going to heaven. You must not do this sin for God will not leave this sin unpunished. Read Psalm 37 to see how we must wait on, trust in, rely upon, and lean against and trust in the Lord for a husband for you. Are there no single men in your church. God may have not allowed your former boyfriend to become your husband for good reason and that is that he would have lost interest in you after you got married. likely he would have cheated and you would be worse off then than you are now. Praying for you. Wait on God. No sex until marriage! Talk to your pastor.

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KISURA August 13, 2013 at 12:49 am

Waaoh!
Thank you pastor Jack for your immediately reply. Let me obey the word of God, until God’s time. I will talk to my pastor too. be blessed too.
You are true man of God.

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Sandile August 14, 2013 at 1:28 pm

Hello Jack Wellman. My name is Sandile Graham Yaze and well, I need some very sound advice on a very deep matter. First of all I’ll start by telling you that my girlfriend and I are young she’s like 20 and I’ll be turning 23 next week. Now, I’ve had a bad childhood and my present is no better but I’m trying to get out of my rut and this girl really inspires me to want to achieve great things, something that I gave up on (ambition) I had given up on life and she doesn’t really believe me but she saved me from myself. This was in 2010. Every phone call from her and to her was a blessing to me. I had been contemplating suicide before she came into my life and sometimes I still do but she came and roused up a sense of belonging and purpose within me. Also, I was raised in a Christian home both mom and dad are Christian but as I mentioned my childhood was hell and so I lost faith in God and I lost my way – honestly I don’t know how to come back to God because I think or I feel that I need Him now more than ever because I need answers and my head feels like it’s going to explode with all these unanswered question. I know that only He can answer them, one of which is about this girl. I know it wasn’t coincidence that she come in just as I had guven up on life! There’s a reason and also the fact that I fell so deeply in love with her is another thing. Often in my dreams and when I think about her it usually has a lot to do with marriage. I love her unconditionally, I don’t judge her, I apologize when I’m wrong I treat her like a queen, I put her needs before mine, we’ve never had sex before and I’m always supportive and I never pressure her about sex! I see a wife in this girl and come on SHE SAVED ME! So you can see that I love her very much I am willing to die for her – that’s howmuch i love her.

Now I want to save her too although everything I’m trying seems to be falling on deaf ears. Let me start by telling you that late last year we were best friends and she told me all kinds of stuff about her and her family an more but late last year she called me crying on the phone. She then told me that years before when she was much younger, her uncle (now locked up) raped her! Twice! So asked why she was telling me this, and she told me that it’s because she felt I needed to know so that I don’t fall in love with someone like her – in other words she does not deserve to be loved! That statement drove me nuts!!! Instead of honoring her request of me not to fall in love with her, I DID! In fact I fell deeper in love with her than before, even I was confused as to why am I drawn to her so much! Anyway we then began dating late November 2012 and things were amazing just amazing! The connection between us was miraculous and it felt like a dream! But June, July and this month (August) has been a total nightmare!

Her flash backs of both incidents have been recurring like crazy these past months. She blames herself for the rape, she’s distant, she snaps at me, she even tells me to leave her alone and to not speak to her anymore then she calls the net day to tell me something random and weird. I have since then began educating myself on rape victims and how to help victims be survivours. This thing has tested me every which way, from my patience to forgiveness, to self introspection, to doubt this relationshiip but here’s the funny thing my heart tells me to hang on. It tells me that this won’t last forever and she’lllove me like she’s never loved any other guy in her life, my heart tells me that she is “the one”. You know that small voice inside that we often ignore??? Well that thing is telling me, day after day never to give up and to be strong for her, even though we don’t talk as much on the phone, she’s distant and irritable. But my heart can’t let go and I follow my heart most of the time. She’s great with kids, she’s a joy to be around…Look I just want my girl back, the girl I know I want to marry one day. And worst of all she’s a believer, as we speak she’s at church. Why isn’t God helping her? What role do I have to play in all of this? I’m the one that lost faith in God, not her! Why can’t He give me this pain anguish instead of her? She doesn’t deserve it but I do! I want to take her pain and hurt away. Three weeks ago she almost succeeded in killing herself…and she just sent me a weird message on Facebook then she sent a picture to her brother telling him how much she loves him and that was it, she almost died and for what? Why doesn’t God do something before she actually succeeds!? I dont blame God for the cruelty of man. But why doesn’t He protect His own (her)! I haven’t prayed in years but since she tried killing herself I Cant stop praying but as expected my prayers mean nothing to Him! All I want is to help her now as she did me! If she dies then my best friend is lost forever. i believe she is the one. As you pointed out I GET MISERABLE WITHOUT HER. Please tell me what to do. Thanks.

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Jack Wellman August 14, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Hello Sandile. I believe this is no accident meeting this girl. Nothing happens by chance because God is sovereign over all. I find it interesting that this girl once saved you and now perhaps God is going to use you to save her. Seen how this is all God’s timing. God forgive us of ALL of our sins. God can not lie an He says in 1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” This says that God forgives ALL our sins and cleanses us from ALL unrighteosness. Does she believe the Bible? Does she believe God? Since we know that “Romans 3:4 says “let God be true but every man a liar” we know for sure God can not lie.

She must forgive herself. She is NOT to blame for some felony that is committed by her uncle. Ask her, “Are your standards of forgiveness higher than God’s? Do you not trust God enough since He says ALL your sins are forgiven? Why does she not believe God!? Have her and you make an appointment with your pastor. See what he says. Don’t put it off. I respect how much you both have not had premarital sex. You are both rare indeed and this proves to me that you are following Christ. I thank God for you both. I will pray for her and you too friend. This is the kind of woman of God that you are meant for and you are meant for her as you treat her like a queen and put her interests ahead of yours. This is no coincidence. You are not meant to save her as she did you. Can’t you see that? Isn’t it right that God has thrown you two together at exactly the right time? Read 1 John 1:9 with her. Then read 2 Cor 5:21 with her. Why does she not believe God’s word?

How many of her sins were ahead of her when Jesus died at Calvary? The answer: All of them…and these same all are wiped clean (1 John 1:9). She must believe God. Don’t make her standard of forgiveness greater than even God’s is.

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Sandile August 14, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Thank you Pastor J.W. I truly appreciate your prompt response. You know I actually shared everthing we spoke about with her and she is pleased! She just said “WOW”! In fact so did I! What you have told me has given me new motivation! And I know that deep in my heart I do have to rekindle my spiritual flame with God! I need to know Him more! I also want to learn more about faith in Christ. All I am is a simpleton, not complicated I just want God to show me my purpose on this earth as a young man and as lover to my girlfriend whom I stringly believe is the one! I just want to know my role in the roller coaster of life. Some verses would be appreciated to steer me in the right direction…thank you again I feel a huge burden lifted from my shoulders!

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Jack Wellman August 14, 2013 at 4:40 pm

Here are some of my favorites:

And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:4b

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6

The LORD gave this command to Joshua son of Nun: “Be strong and courageous, for you will bring the Israelites into the land I promised them on oath, and I myself will be with you.” Deuteronomy 31:23

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Then you will have success if you are careful to observe the decrees and laws that the LORD gave Moses for Israel. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged. 1 Chronicles 22:13

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CATHY March 25, 2014 at 6:26 am

Great! Thank you so much for these encouraging scriptures. May God bless You!

kim August 15, 2013 at 11:38 am

Hello Mr. Wellman,
I don’t know who to talk to and I need your counsel seriously.
I went through a really bad heartache last year and i couldn’t still move on. He was my first love and we broke up because distant relationship dint work for him. he was a good man and a better christian than I ever would be.
Its true that i had sinned and gave him my all. I really loved him n i still do. but if i could change back time den i wud have never done it. I gave up my virginity as i thought he was the one and i still he is the one. bt m afraid i am not for him. he is still d only man and m still waiting for him.
after we broke up, I cried my heart out to the Lord and asked His forgiveness. so far thats the only time I find peace. i am an Evangelist Christian, m not a strong devout like others but I do strongly believe in The Almighty and Jesus Christ.
My parents are very religious and they have taught me d ways to worship God and I am embarrassed and guilty to have broken their trust in me. this hurts me everytime but at the same time it is my burden to carry.
Thankfully God has been very gracious to my family and me. He have always been there in my needs but i still dont know how to follow Him. And i dont Understand how not to make mistakes and live a sinless life in God.
my family has a certain way seeking God’s advice thro the Bible. if anyone has doubts the we wud assemble and pray for The Lord’s words by blindly picking a verse from The Bible. it always helped us and the Lord had been guiding us all thro our lives even wen i was sinning against Him. The verses were exact. if i sinned then God wud tell us thro His verse to correct our ways. even wen i turn to Him during my heart break He showed me the verse which says that He is among those heart broken. Moreover, He have blessed me as such that I have received very respected and honorable men who are wealthy and from good families as suitors for my hand in marriage. Right now since m still quite young to get married so my parents hav declined them politely but i’m afraid it wont be for long. I still love him n i want to be only his wife. but i could approach him like I did shamefully and disgrace myself further. so I pray to God that he would instead grow to love me each passing days. we still kip in touch as friends and it get hard for me to remain that way.

Here i asked for your counsel in trying my best to UNDERSTAND WHAT GOD WANTS ME TO DO. i prayed to God to ask Him if he was the one for me. and the reply was Psalm 37:4- Delight Yourself In the Lord and He will Give You the Desires of Your Heart
this verse always emerge before me and i accepted that God would grant me my wish if i remain loyal to Him and please Him thro my actions. Sometimes when I am too hurt I pray that my love wud remember me then God helps me thro it all as more than often the person I love wud than call me. though lately, i’ve started having douvts and its hurting me alot. I dont have the courage to ask him if he has found another nor can i bring myself to move on even if i try. I dont know what he is thinking either cos he did tell me that he misses me and at the same tym he tells me to move on. but when ever i read the Bible it always encourage me to kip faith and wait- Amos 9:13,14,15
I am so confused. i don’t know what to do or how to do anything.

i am a person of little faith and patience is not my greatest asset. what do i do in times of doubts? Am I in the right directions? If so how do i please God? How do I know if the Promise is kept wen the one i love and I am so far away from each other? help me, sir. m not strong and i’ve been hiding this pain for too long. I want to be a good Christian pliz help me and pliz pray for me. i need your counsel. I cant think of any greater query pliz help this humble person of little faith

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Jack Wellman August 15, 2013 at 3:33 pm

Hello Kim and thank you for your comment and question and seeking counsel. Have you spoken with your own pastor about this? What did he say? If this man doesn’t show or prove to you that he loves you, you must move on with your life. Our greatest love and greatest satisfaction should be in Christ first and foremost (Matt 6:33) and Jesus said that if we do not love Him more than our family, friends or even our greatest love, then we are not fit for the kingdom.

Would you have wanted to marry this man if he didn’t love you? It could have ended up with him committing adultery or divorcing you and then you would have been bound. I will pray for you. You must ask for God’s will above what even your heart desires for God always knows what’s best for us more than even we do, right? I would seek counsel from you pastor too.

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kim August 16, 2013 at 4:54 am

thank you for your reply Mr Wellman.
I am afraid i’m too reserved to talk about this to anyone. somehow i know that he is really a good guy but maybe he dont feel that i’m the one for him. :) and that hurts I guess. but i’ll trying moving on pliz do pray for me. Pliz pray that I walk in God’s path

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Jack Wellman August 16, 2013 at 9:18 am

I will be glad to pray for you Kim. The Lord knows what you are going thru and I pray that He sends you comfort by which only He can thru His power.

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Steve August 18, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Hi Jack, I’m starting to get pretty scared. After all that I have gone through in the past couple of weeks with my new girlfriend: reacquainting after 25 years, sharing so much conversation about our previously failed marriages, what we hope for the future, our faith in Christ, our agreement about abstinence before marriage, our hope that we could be married in the future, my buying two copies of a pre-engagement book for us to study, and our intentions to marry in the future….I’m getting scared now. She says things like: “When we are married…” and then I feel afraid. I want to stay in the “here and now” and right now….we aren’t married, we are both hoping for that, but somehow, something doesn’t feel quite right. We have tried to bring this to a level where we communicate well together, thus the book. Initially she wanted us to kiss and cuddle, and I gave reasons why I thought that would be a problem for me. But now, I don’t see how I can say..”Please stop saying ‘when we are married we will xyz”. I think I need to say something, but I am scared. I do say things in my emails to her that I don’t feel as confident saying on the phone (we are separated by distance at the moment, and potentially I would only see her a week per month for the next few years before we could get married. That is until my son who is 17 feels like he is comfortable on his own). At times I have felt overwhelmed when writing to her and write sweet words, and sometimes on the phone I feel and say that I am having more feelings. The problem is that like tonight I felt a strong reaction to her saying “When we are married we can…xyz” and felt like saying “What?!?!? We are getting married?!?!?”

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Jack Wellman August 18, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Steve, being “afraid” of the lifetime commitment of marriage is reasonable and this is nothing new. Many people get fearful prior to and even on their wedding day. Have you spoken with your own pastor over this? Are you passionately, 100% in-love with this woman? Does she attend the same church you do consistently? Does she pray and read her Bible regularly? Can you answer these questions also with a “Yes”?

Maybe the reason you are having such a fear of this “When we get married we can….” is that she may appear to be controlling and a wife should be submissive to her husband. If she wants to call the shots or make most of the decisions, which it does sound like here, this is a warning sign. If she is dominating with these “When we get married…(fill in the blank)” this is not a good sign.

Christian women should understand that the husband is the head of the wife…not superior to her but God says a wife is to submit to her husband and she sounds like she wants to be the head of the family. Ask her if she is okay with you making the final decisions if the two of you disagree on something. Get that straight before you go any further and get married. Eve decided wrongly and made her own decision without consulting Adam and look what happened. Does this make sense? Tell your pastor this immediately privately and then go together and council with him. This fear you have may be the Holy Spirit telling you that something is not right.

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Steve August 18, 2013 at 10:45 pm

As to your questions. 100% passionately in love? Right now, perhaps I’m just too scared, but I’d say no.
I’m in Ontario, she’s in British Columbia, so we go to different churches, so no, we don’t go to the same church. I’ve just found out tonight that she does not regularly read the Word, but that now she intends to. We both agree on abstinence and that I would stay at a friends’ when I go BC. We have a very large issue of distance that we both agree wouldn’t be resolved for 3 years due to the age of my son. We both agree we need pre-marital training as in the book I bought both of us “Saving your marriage before it starts”. I have been proactive in the relationship, and am due to fly out to BC next week for 2 weeks. Now I am so scared I am wondering if my best option is to cancel the trip.

Although she attends the Roman Catholic Church, she does talk like a saved person. I believe she is saved…but there are some vices that seem to be getting dealt with only right now. She has some marijuana in her house, and deals with her difficult job with a nightly nitecap of wine (which she has just stopped in the last couple of nights. This surprised me more than just a little, although I downplayed it at the time. I thought that if we were to date/court for a few years, any bad habits would either find their way out of our lives or we would split. I heard that if there are any vices, a person should be “clean” of them for a year before marriage.

I have put a call in to my pastor and will follow up in the morning.

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Jack Wellman August 19, 2013 at 8:40 am

Steve, if you do take this trip to see her, try to meet together with a counselor or something because you can not really counsel about marriage separately or apart even with a compatibility workbook.

One thing that got my attention is that you are not 100% certain. Marriage is a lifetime covenant and once you are married, you are bound for life. Also, I take it you are not a Catholic but she is. Wouldn’t this be a conflict because these are 2 different denominations and you both will have to decide whose choice you will follow and attend at.

Why not do what his best for you and your son? Wait these 3 years or so and if it is truly meant to be, then time will not be a factor. What is more bothersome is that she has a substance abuse addiction. And maybe with wine too? You would not want your son around this, plus the fact that it is illegal. What else does she have around that she may be hiding from you? I think you are wise to wait and see what your pastor says. God bless you sir.

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flora August 22, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Hello Pastor Wellman.I have learnt alot from your article.I met a young man few weeks.He is all I ever wanted in a man.He’s bornagain,has passion for souls,live by biblical principles and loves God with all his heart.My problem is that he confessed his love for me within few weeks of meeting and wants to marry me.Is it not too early?

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Jack Wellman August 23, 2013 at 8:36 am

Hello Flora. I am overjoyed you have found someone that is a potential mate. I urge you first though to seek counseling from a pastor or Christian marriage counselor. Their is no rush. Do you both attend the same church? Does he have regular prayer time? Bible study? Church attendance? The minimum that I recommend for engagement is 3 to 4 months and the most is 12 months. I would seek counseling too and most pastors have ways of discerning compatibility tests. Did you read this article? Print it out and read it with your boyfriend. Go slow because if you make a mistake, you are bound for life….for good or bad.

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Tiana September 3, 2013 at 10:57 am

Thank you for this excellent post. I married after a 9 year engagement that was far too long for my liking. After 24 years together his true personality was revealed. An alcoholic , physical, emotional and financial abuse and cheating with an Escort. I feel stupid as I I’m was in the middle of spring cleaning, and removing anything that reminded me of her. Unfortunately, going through my belongings rehashed many of the hurt feelings I had experienced when I was with my current ex. How? Because I kept coming upon note after note after note; little things that I had scribbled to myself in notebooks, on odd scraps of paper, in journals, etc. Things I had all but forgotten about, until now when I found all my little, sad scribbling to ‘remind’ me… love could change him but it got to a point where despite not believing in divorce I have had to for my and our kids sanity. He pretended to have the same morals as me and be a Christian when he doesn’t believe at all. He changes his morals for whoever he is with. You are right that if one dies not have spirituality and the other does they will not work as a marriage. He vibrates on a lower level spirituality is a higher level. The law of attraction means we do not attract to each other and only did so while he pretended to resonate on the sane level. Now I am 41 with two kids and happier but very lonely. I look good but I am too afraid to date men as I don’t want to be fooled again. I would like to make friends with men first but I believe that one will always fancy the other so they might be pretending to show good character. I have so much love to give but this is how stupid I was. We first dated and I said I was thinking about being a nun and he said he was thinking of bring a monk and I believed him. I ignored the fact that he didn’t get on with his mother but this is important you are right. Only now I worry that my kids will be bad marrying material as they don’t get on with their dad. Hopefully their dates will see that they have a good living relationship with their mother. Anyway I pray for everyone who has posted. Love I believe will keep me on the path of truth I’m just to scared to walk that path yet ;)

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Grace September 10, 2013 at 1:16 pm

Dear pastor

I stumbled upon this site looking for words of encouragement in my marriage and I want to thank you for your wise counsel to the other netizens. Indeed reading your replies has been a blessing to me. I was troubled but now am full of hope to move on in my life. Thanks again

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Jack Wellman September 10, 2013 at 1:36 pm

Hello Grace. By the way, love your name! I myself am unworthy of such grace as God has given me and if I can show others grace, we really know who is deserving of credit and it is not me. All glory belongs to Christ Jesus. Thank you for such an encouraging comment Grace.

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Eruchi November 14, 2013 at 3:27 pm

Hi Mr Wellman,
just wanted to ask this question, how do you find the right one? I’ve been in difficult relationships and I just feel like this is the time to get serious with someone but I’m having a very difficult time finding the right person. Sometimes I feel that there is something wrong with me.

Thanks

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Jack Wellman November 15, 2013 at 10:11 am

Thank you Eruchi…you can certainly call me Jack. I know this must be difficult right now. I am sorry for that and will pray God ensures you cross paths with the right man. I know that my wife attended the same denomination that I did so I was blessed in that we found each other in church. There is nothing wrong with you…God knows what is best and His timing is best. I believe you will know the right one by the way he treats his mother and father, how he acts around children, what his mannerisms are like in public, what movies he likes and doesn’t’ like. These will show you much about him. Even more important, does he pray with you if you go out to dinner in public, does he read the Bible frequently, does he know the Bible, what is his language like, does he attend church? Maybe these all will help you my friend.

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Truth February 1, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Dear jack, I enjoy reading your articles and this one has prompted me to respond. I have been friends with a man from my church for a few years, we are not in a romantic relationship but friends. He has been married before and his wife divorced him and left the marital home a few years ago. He admits that he didn’t spend as much time as he should have with his family at a certain time in the marriage and this caused problems, he backslid and then returned to Christ after a while and attempted to re-build his marriage, however there must have been underlying issues as his wife became distant and eventually had an affair, he forgave her and tried to reconcile but then she did the same thing again and told him she wanted out of the marriage and was unrepentant from what I can gather. He confided in me and I listened, I told him to try and reconcile with his wife which he did but she repeatedly rejected him and took out an injunction order against him when he tried to speak to her. Now the marriage is ended and has been for over 2 years and his former wife seems to have moved on, he spoke to me about marriage and what I thought about us . I have never been married and am hesitant about marrying someone who is divorced even though I believe that he has learned from the mistakes in his marriage. He is not someone that I am physically attracted to but he has many positive qualities he loves God and is serious about his relationship with God he is considerate and helpful always going out of his way to help people and a good father to his children generous and caring. We are not dating but talking about it I have prayed about marriage and as I am over 40 I am keen to settle down but I don’t want to make the mistake of passing up on someone because they don’t come all ‘neatly packaged’ but neither do I want to go into a marriage because there is no one else and I don’t want to be alone. The issue of him being divorced and me knowing his first wife is one that I have to consider and that he has children and also that physically I am not attracted to him but I am attracted to certain parts of his personality. I suppose I am in need of a bit of a sounding board to get my thoughts into something coherent.

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Jack Wellman February 1, 2014 at 4:46 pm

Hello Truth. My first question is always have you spoken with your own pastor first? That is always the first step since he knows you better and perhaps he knows the situation more intimately than I can not meeting you or anyone else in person. There are a few things bother me about this marriage. One is that you “don’t want to make the mistake of passing up on someone because they don’t come all ‘neatly packaged'” I can’t see that it is a mistake if you pass someone up that isn’t meant for you and time is not a good rule of thumb in making such a titanic decision as this. This is the single most important decision a person can make in their entire lifetime (not counting choosing to repent and trust in Christ) so you had better been 100% sure and there seems to be some doubt because you went on to say “neither do I want to go into a marriage because there is no one else and I don’t want to be alone” and then there is “the issue of him being divorced and me knowing his first wife is one that I have to consider and that he has children.” When a couple gets married, they get married to all that person’s baggage too so think seriously about that. And fin ally, and perhaps most importantly you said “that physically I am not attracted to him but I am attracted to certain parts of his personality.” You will have to wake up every morning with this man and it is his physical nature that you will see most and certainly his personality is important, but there must be at least some romance to this marriage. To be honest, I see far too much problematic areas to get married…at least right now and again, talk to your pastor and pray, pray, and even fast over this “Truth.” That is my counsel, for good or bad, for you as a fellow Christian.

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CATHERINE KINGABIRWE March 25, 2014 at 5:07 am

Thank you for the article. Am going to read it further. May God bless You!

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Jack Wellman March 25, 2014 at 5:43 am

Thank you for your kind words Catherine. I do appreciate your visiting our website.

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Sue V April 4, 2014 at 12:38 am

A spouse who loses their long-loved mate will often die within years of the death of their husband or wife.

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/true-love-how-do-you-know-when-you-find-it/#ixzz2xtPTPyvB

But how can this be? My grandmother’s husband died in 1979. she’s still living. It’s been almost 35 years since his death.

My aunt’s husband also died…. in 1991. It has been 23 years since his death.

My other aunt’s ex husband died in 2002. It’s been 12 years since his death…

I “lost” someone whom I thought I would marry (my ex boyfriend R) but he went on to break up with me because he appharently couldn’t accept my flaws (which I barely had none and I know this for a fact!) while he was expect me to accept his. We had made a pact that we wouldn’t hurt each other…but he broke it.

Now please tell me…. what is this all about?!

And how do I know if I have found THE ONE?! My dad also loves me and wants me to find a loving and supportive partner just like his wife (my mom) and I’m proud to say that they have been married for almost 38 years now….

Tell me…. what am I doing wrong?!? Thanks …

Signed,

A confused, slightly dissapointed and slightly frustrated, single asian woman in her 30s… (30 actually, just turned) :-)

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Jack Wellman April 4, 2014 at 9:00 am

Hello Sue and I am so sorry. Have you a local church you attend? You will find godly men in the church. Have you talked with your pastor about this? I believe you should seek first to love God with all your heart, if you haven’t already (Matt 6:33) and then He will add those things to your life. No one is promised a happy life or a married life. Are there not churches in your local area? You may not be doing anything wrong but godly men, just like godly women, are out there, but to meet them seek a Bible-centered, Christ-elevating church in your area. You “lost” someone was probably a good thing because if you had married him and he broke your marriage vows by committing adultery and got a sexually transmitted disease, then you would have been worse off than not having married at all.

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Chris April 4, 2014 at 9:02 am

Sue V,

The first thing I want to encourage you in is that you’ve got to get this thought: “what am I doing wrong?!?” out of your head. I am personally in a situation very similar to yours. I’m a guy, 30, single, and while I have had long term relationships in the past, I’ve never been married, have no children and these are both things that I have wanted ever since I was a boy. My friends often encourage me in this because I find it disheartening at times to think that I’m 30 and single, never married and have no children and I’m watching many people much younger than I get married, having children, etc. What they tell me is that I should focus on God and serving His kingdom and as I submit myself more and more to God and seek after Him that the desires of my heart will be added to me. Believe me when I say I understand completely how difficult it can be to be patient and wait on God’s perfect timing! It all comes down to faith; am I going to put my faith in God’s plan for my life, or am I going to put my faith in my own ability to create the life I want for myself? Personally, I have chosen to follow God’s plan and put my faith and trust in God. I trust that He knows exactly what He’s doing and that while He knows my intense desire to have a godly family, that the timing isn’t right yet.

Proverbs 18:22 says: “The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the Lord.”

My Pastor pointed this verse out to me recently (just a few weeks ago actually) and after he showed it to me told me that the word “finds” in Hebrew means to discover something along the way. He went on further to say that he takes this verse to mean that the one who seeks after God will “find” his deisres along the pathway to God and he encouraged me to keep seeking and hungering afer the Lord and, in time, the desire of my heart will manifest in my life.

When I got the notification of this posting in my e-mail I immediately felt lead to reply and exhort you a little bit. You are -not- alone in the feelings you’re having, they’re perfectly normal, but beware of the lies of the enemy. He comes to seek those whom he may devour and he does so by killing, stealing, and destroying. Don’t let the enemy “steal” your self-worth from you. You are a daughter of the Most High God, a co-heir with Jesus Christ, a royal priesthood, a friend of Jesus, and many more encouraging names the Bible has for those who are God’s children!!

Keep seeking after God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength and put your faith and trust in God to bring you the desires of your heart when the timing is perfect. I hope and pray that these words bring encouragement to you today. Be blessed!

~Chris

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Karen NJ April 30, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Hi Pastor,

I found your advice very helpful & spiritual and was hoping to get advice for a situation I’m going through.

Let me begin by giving you a little background of our relationship:
I’ve been with my fiance for almost 9 years now. We’ve been engaged for 7 months and have been living together for 1.5 years. I understand that living together is a sin, but I didn’t want to live by myself in a home I purchased. I purchased the home as an owner occupant and didn’t want to lie to the bank either, so I thought it was better to live there with my then boyfriend who I practically spent all my time with.

We are both Christians and understand that living together may be a sin since we are giving bad testimony. However, we do not have sex (I’m a virgin and plan to be until we get married), but we have pleased ourselves in other ways that doesn’t involve intercourse (am I still considered a virgin?). We always feel guilty afterwards and repent, and we have stopped being involved in that way for the last month, but have been that way throughout our relationship.

For that reason, we don’t kiss each other passionately as that is how it begins. We try not to be romantic with each other for that same reason, we don’t want to continue falling into temptation. I understand that it appears we are setting ourselves up for temptation by living together, but it really wouldn’t be any different, I believe, if we didn’t live together because we literally spent all day together and might even be more eager to kiss each other passionately since we don’t see each other at night can’t share the bond at night where I get to rest my head in his chest (nothing sexual, just the connection of having someone next to you).

My problem from the beginning of our relationship is that I was never really 100% madly in love with him and now that we are close to getting married, I wonder if that’s going to be a problem in our relationship. Specially now that we don’t show each other affection, I’m starting to find him not attractive and wonder if this is all because we don’t sexually satisfy ourselves (non intercourse). Does sexual satisfaction really play such a big impact in a relationship? Or am I really just not that into him? Can a relationship last years without any type of sexual satisfaction?

We get along great! We hardly ever fight, he’s very humbled, respectful, knows the Bible, will do anything for me, helps me clean, we cook together, I mean we really are a great couple and I love that. Our Pastors tells us that God has great plans for us. A visiting Pastor at our church was giving his lesson and while he was giving his lesson he pointed at me and my fiance and said that God wants to use us in such a big way as a couple, but that we need to get right with God first (this Pastor doesn’t even know us like that).

My problem is that I don’t love him as much as he loves me. I want to love him just as much if not even more, but I really feel like I don’t.

It’s been bothering me more than before and I told him on Monday that I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. I cried so much because I don’t want to let him go, but when we go to restaurants, I’m embarrassed to hold his hand, especially if their are other guys around. I don’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I don’t think he’s cute, but I don’t think he’s ugly either. I was reading in other non biblical sites of women feeling the same way I feel and people were giving her advice that she should leave now than run the risk of her cheating on him in the marriage, I don’t want to become that way since that’s how my dad is and I’m afraid.

I don’t know if all of this is coming from us not sharing that intimate sexual bond together or the thought of me getting married to him.

I really really want to love him a lot, I don’t want to care what people think of him, but I feel like I do. I had a “friend” a few years ago say that he was ugly and that I can do better. Her comment made me feel really bad inside and it has haunt me all of these years.

I’m afraid that my kids will look like him, but yet, I would love for them to have his character & personality & love towards God.

Thanks for reading this and I truly appreciate your response. We really want this to work for the Glory of God.

FYI – We go to Bible study every week and Church on Sundays. My Pastors know that we live together and they know the sexual relationship we shared and their advice was to get married as sex is a beautiful thing and only then we won’t feel guilty about it. I started planning the wedding, but felt the way I’m feeling now with the whole not attractive attitude, of which I haven’t told them about.

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Jack Wellman April 30, 2014 at 7:03 pm

Karen, thank you so much for your comment and open honesty. Something that really troubles me is what you said “My problem from the beginning of our relationship is that I was never really 100% madly in love with him and now that we are close to getting married, I wonder if that’s going to be a problem in our relationship.” If you feel this way now, after 9 years of knowing each other, then it will not get better by getting married. I would tell your pastor this right away. This is a red flag to me. Since you both are Christian, you must realize that you will be stuck with each other until death do you part. There will be no grounds for divorce and once you are married, it is for life and there is no backing out and no changing your mind once you are married. I am very uncomfortable as you are correct, this hurts your testimony and you acknowledge that living together is sin. Taking this all together, I believe that I would counsel with the pastor, tell your fiancé, and don’t wait and risk making a mistake that you will have to live with for the rest of your natural life.

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Rai May 20, 2014 at 5:58 am

Hi,

So I’ve been single for 3.5 years now and a Christian for most of my life. In general I’m a very patient person but if can’t help feeling that either God wants me somewhere else in life or is just waiting longer before I start going somewhere in life. One big question I have is, is distance in relationship bad. Geographically. This girl I know and really like lives in Spain (I live in the us). I plan to visit her and see her when I can but, in your opinion, what should I do? I can’t just get up and take a shot at living in Spain, I’m still in college but I also don’t feel like this is where I’m supposed to be..

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Jack Wellman May 20, 2014 at 8:01 am

Rai, I cannot tell you what is best for you. You should trust God in this and distance will make it difficult to have a long term relationship but my friend, you are still very young and in college. I would also tell your pastor what you told me. Trust God with your future, wait upon His timing, and put Him first (Matt 6:33) and if you delight in Him, He will grant you the desires of your heart (Pslam 37).

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Anna July 7, 2014 at 5:35 am

Hi. Thank you for the article but I’m still confused. I’m 21 years old and never even had a crush and what I’m expierencing now isn’t that, at least not in the way it’s been explained to me. But lately my best friend of three years and I have grown closer. I’ve been seeing him as more than a friend. It’s not like I’m blushing or giggling and acting all silly when he’s around. I feel a peace and happiness and safety I’ve never had before. I trust him with my life, and he respects me in a way that’s foreign to me. (My up bringing was pretty much centered around appearing to be the perfect family when the home was disfunctional.) Like, he treats me better than my own family does.

We’ve spoken that we both have romantic feelings for eachother, yet, both of us are content as we are now and at this point enjoy just spending time with eachother and talking about anything really. I’ve been in prayer and have been kept awake at night, going to god and trying to understand what I’m feeling but I’m not understanding this new feeling any clearer. So I guess my question is could I possibly be expirencing love?

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Jack Wellman July 7, 2014 at 8:37 am

Thank you Anna for your comment and question I think you could be experiencing love but time will tell if it is the overwhelming, marrying kind of love. If you are not 100% certain, then by all means wait but it appears you are feeling pretty sure. I like what I hear about this man. Perhaps some counseling with your pastor would be in order.

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