How Can I Save My Marriage? A Christian Perspective

by Jack Wellman · Print Print · Email Email

Marriages today have never been in more serious jeopardy.  Even among Christians, the divorce rate is soaring, the number of adulterous affairs is skyrocketing, and the number of spouses divorcing has never been higher.  How can you save your marriage?

Marriages are in Trouble

I have never seen so many marital problems in the past year as a pastor than I have seen in my entire life.  It grieves my heart to see so many Christian couples divorcing.

About 50% of all marriages end in divorce today and that number is growing exponentially.  Even worse, 2/3rds of all second marriages end in divorce and 75% of third marriages are destined for the divorce courts.

The divorce rates are very similar in other nations, some more and some less, but worldwide, the divorce rate continues to grow.   One of the biggest reasons for divorce is that there was no premarital counseling and so the couples went into the marriage with no reasonable expectations and when the spouse had huge differences in their preferences of children and child rearing, food, home, entertainment, and so on, they clashed almost immediately.  Another reason is that so many couples are marrying that are of mixed religions.  There are millions of couples where one person is a Christian and the other is not and so having no premarital counseling and going against what the Bible teaches about marrying or dating someone that is not a Christian has meant that they are unequally yoked with a mate.

What about Christians?  You would expect that their divorce rates should be lower since they are indwelt by the Holy Spirit.  I wish it were so, but sadly, it is nearly identical to the divorce rates of non-believers.  Divorce has become so easy and became an easy-out of a difficult situation.  Couples tell me that they are not getting out of their marriage as much as they feel that they are putting into it.  Part of the problem lies here:  Marriage is not what you can get out of it but what you can put into it that matters. It is not a 50% line in the sand proposition at all.  Marriage takes hard work from both spouses and if someone is keeping track of who does what and how much, then the marriage is already in trouble.

God's Help In MarriagePraying For Your Mate

One the greatest things that you can do for your mate is to pray for them daily.  We must pray to God for our wife or our husband and do it daily.  Pray with your mate.  Husbands, you are the spiritual head of your family.  Take your wife’s hand and kneel down while she is seated and pray in humbleness and humility to God for Him to keep her health, to have her activities prosper, for her (and your) children to be under God’s sovereign protection and do it on a regular basis.  The wife ought to do likewise.  The old saying The family that prays together, stays together is absolutely true.  Statistics indicate that of those families that pray together and pray for one another regularly, have significantly lower divorce rates than Christian couples who don’t.  Praying together does not mean asking the blessing for the meals everyday…it is much more than that.  Praying daily for your spouse and children means you intentionally pray for God to bless them, to protect them, and to keep them close to Himself.

Don’t Deny Your Spouse of Sex

Too many couples tend to use the withholding of sex as a payback.  I don’t know how many times I have heard couples get into arguments and then the husband or the wife withholds from their mate times of intimacy.  This is clearly sin and it is also detrimental to their marriage.

That’s why Paul wrote, It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”  But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control(1 Cor 7:1-5).

If you use sex as a weapon or payback, it could lead to unnecessary sexual temptation for the other spouse.  The Bible teaches that the husband’s body is not his own and the wife’s body is not her own and that they don’t actually have authority over their own body.

Being in Subjection and Loving Like Christ

In Ephesians we see a biblical model that works well for marriages.  The tricky part is that it works best for those who are both Christian.  In Ephesians 5 we read some imperative commands give to married couples.  An imperative command is not a helpful hint or suggestion but a direct command as from God Himself.

God commands, Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands (Eph 5:22-24).

This does not mean that husbands can make their wives do anything…especially contrary to what is in the Bible for Paul adds, “as to the Lord” as a qualification for wives to submit to their husbands.  In other words, the wife should submit to her husband but he can not make her steal or lie or do something contrary to the commands of God written down in His written Word the Bible.

Paul also commands, Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Eph 5:-25-31).

For one thing, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church.  This means that he is to love her with an unconditional, sacrificial kind of love.  A love that sacrifices his own interests at times, sacrifices his own desires, or even sacrifices his own life if necessary.  Christ died for the church and so husbands ought to die for their wives…die to themselves in a sense.  Another key point in the command given to husbands is that the man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast (cling) to his wife.”  I believe what Paul is saying is that this is a new family and the family to which he used to be in is now no longer to have anything to do with his present family.  This means that his parents, as well has her parents, should keep out of marital dealings with this new family.  This man and woman have left their families to start a new family and that they need to leave their old families behind.  This should be made known, lovingly, to the parents of both the husband and wife to stay out of their marriage and their family.  That doesn’t mean that they are to be cut off but they are to have no influence or exert any kind of pressure on the new couple.

Paul continues, This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Eph 5:32-33).  The relationship between husband and wife is like that of Christ and His church.  The Bride of Christ, the church, is betrothed to Jesus Christ and the marriage will be consummated at Christ’s Second Advent…when He returns for His bride to marry her and be joined together and celebrated at the marriage supper of the Lamb of God (Rev 19:6-9).  Husbands must love their wives with an everlasting, endearing love because wives desire love more than anything in a relationship.  Wives are to respect their husbands…respect their God-given authority because men desire respect.  When wives respect their husbands they feel loved.

How Can I Save My Marriage

Nations can rise or fall when marriages fall apart. They are the glue that holds nations together and the Enemy’s number one target is that of a Christian husband and wife.

Be Forgiving

Some of the most important words couples can say to each other are “I love you” and “I am sorry.”  These are powerful words that can make a person feel loved and respected.  Not only does being forgiving to one another strengthen a marriage, it also encourages husbands and wives to admit faults.  Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes and be quick to apologize openly and sincerely.  It’s also important to accept an apology.  I heard a spouse once say, “I am so sorry” while the other spouse say, “You sure are!”  We need to learn to apologize but we also need to accept an apology when given.  To not accept a spouse’s apology is a sign of stubborn pride and arrogance.  Just look at how much we have been forgiven.

In 1 John 1:9 it says that If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  Are our standards of forgiveness higher than God’s are?  I would hope not.  If God has forgiven us of our sins, we also ought to forgive one another.  Paul wrote that we are to Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph 4:32).  This just as in Christ means in the same manner that God forgave us we also ought to forgive each other.

As the forgiving man who had much more owed to him told the wicked servant who refused to forgive little, Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you (Matt 18:33).  We are to Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Col 3:13). Jesus Himself said, For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you(Matt 6:14).

Conclusion

The way to strengthen your marriage is to pray for your spouse each and every day…and in front of them too.  Also brag about them in front of others.  Sincerely say just how much you love and respect them.  Give of your own selves and don’t deny one another your husbandly or wifely duties just to get back at each other.  Be in subjection to one another…the wife submitting to her husband and respecting him and the husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church in a sacrificial way.  And never be afraid to say you’re sorry or that you love them.  Admit your mistakes when you make them, and you will make them!

God hates divorce because he intended for a man and woman to be joined until death and He is the originator and author of this greatest of human institutions (save for the church).  The marriage relationship should reflect that of the church and Christ’s relationship. Nations can rise or fall when marriages fall apart.  They are the glue that holds nations together and the Enemy’s number one target is that of a Christian husband and wife.  He will attack it, try to weaken it, and try to destroy it in any way he can and usually from within.  Pride will be the weakest link in any marriage so if couples will humble themselves and submit themselves under the authority of Christ; their marriage should not only survive…but thrive.  When Christ is a part of your marriage, it will be so much stronger.  You will have Christ as the Head who is joined with the husband and wife.  As it is written, Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Eccl 4:12).

Here are some other Marriage related articles for you to check out:

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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

Derek Hill September 9, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I must say that the turmoil I am in right now is unbearable at times, but your words ring true Jack. Thank you for this article. I was grieving right before I read this. I absolutely hate Satan and all that he stands for. He is the reason I am going through my divorce that I didn’t want right now. I am so thankful to God. God has held me through this the entire time and even though my heart yearns for my children when I don’t have them, I know that God is still in control and He only wants what is best for me. God bless you brother. This was edifying even in the midst of chaos.

In His Name Always,
Derek

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Jack Wellman September 10, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Thank you so much Derek. My brother, we have had a huge casino put in near our city of Mulvane, Kansas over a year ago and already the number of separations, divorces, spousal abuses, bankruptcies, and such is skyrocketing. I have counseled with so many but the primary cause is often hard to find. I am thankful that I could help in some small way brother but truly the power is all in the Word. I am praying for you and all the writers & readers & commenters here at this website. I know that God is in the storm and never takes His eye off of us. God bless you my brother in your present storm.

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Janet September 10, 2012 at 8:41 am

For Christians who counsel others, we need to know the facts about the causes of divorce, so that we don’t accidentally jump to the wrong conclusion when giving advice. So many pastor just assume that the couple “fell out of love.” But in reality this is reported as being the #1 reason for only 7% of divorcees.

The truth is that most divorces (68%) are due to these 5 very serious problems: abuse, alcoholism, adultery, failure to provide, and abandonment.

Scripture has answers, let’s make sure that we take the time to diagnose the problems first.

One great source of info for Christian counselors is the “2004 Study of Divorce at Mid-Life and Beyond.” It’s a 100-page study, but well worth reading as about 40% of the people in the study were Christians.

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Jack Wellman September 10, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Thank you so much Janet. This is a great help indeed. I appreciate anything that anyone adds to help with this debilitating crisis that is shattering families and lives.

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Gary September 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Thanks for this article… unfortunately, it is getting a bit late for us as I am looking at a divorce of two previously divorced Christians who said we’d NEVER do this again… She is tired of being married, wants independence, and only her adult children and potential grandkids to worry about… Full of accumulated unforgiveness toward me, heart of ‘granite’ as she describes it now.
Thank You Lord for being close to me and letting me feel your presence during this horrible time in my life… Also thank you for Christian friends and their words of encouragement. I still am praying for a miracle as it was a miracle by Him that initially put us together! I just have a hard time believing that it is supposed to end like this…

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Jack Wellman September 27, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Gary, I am so sorry my friend. I wish I could do more for you than pray for you but I also know that God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1) while we, sadly, can not. I thank you that your faith appears to still be strong during such a very hard time. I wonder if this woman is really saved, although only God knows, because she is not loving like a truly regenerated Christian should be living (Rom 12, 1 Cor 13). I hate to see divorces like this and I know it must be breaking your heart friend.

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Fred September 28, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Dear Pastor,
I do sincerely thank for writing this article and once again it was something I needed to read and I also thank you for your advice back on Sept 18th about my wife lying and texting other man. I took your advice and we contacted our pastor and been to counseling a couple of times. My wife admitted to have had encounters not with one but three different men during our dating and engagement period. She still maintain that since she took her vows she’s been faithful but like I told you earlier since we been married I’ve caught her lying, texting one of those guy and deleting the messages so I wouldn’t find them. Well the pastor wants us to try to work it out, but here are my problems: I don’t think I have any more respect for my wife, I don’t trust her at all as I’m sure you can understand, I can’t get intimate with her because every time I look at her I see her cheating with those other guys. My heart is broken and heavy, I don’t sleep at night, and this thing is eating inside. I have to forgive my wife transgressions and I’m willing to do that. I have to say that since we’ve been to counseling my wife has been crying almost every day and she’s been fasting as well, she says that she has repented from all her unfaithfulness and now she says she will do whatever needs to be done to save our marriage. My question is how I move forward when I don’t see my wife as the woman I married to begin with, when I have no respect for her, no faith or trust in her? Please help

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Jack Wellman September 30, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Hello Fred. I am so glad you came back to update us. Let me say that it is good that your wife is showing repentance and brokeness. What more can she do? Time will tell if she is sincere but it appears that way.

I know that love is not so much a feeling but a choice. Love is a verb. It is what you do. Just like Jesus died for us, surely in the Garden He knew the heavy burden and if He relied on His feelings, He wouldn’t have gone thru with it, but He made a choice…an action, to die for us willingly when we were still enemies of His. Respect may take time but Jesus loved us while we were unlovely. He died for us while we were still sinners and His enemy. We were the reason He had to suffer and die. Faith and trust in humans is futile. Trust in God, ask Him to restore your love as only God can change a human heart (Prov 21:1). Forgive her, embrace her, love her, and the “feelings” will come back. Repentance is from the Lord and so honor the Lord’s work in this woman who is seeking restoration to her husband (2 Tim 2:25). Her crying and fasting and brokeness is from God. I’d say love her by your words and action and feelings will eventually follow. If you don’t, then do you want her to be put away by divorce? What other options do you have my friend. Take the high road…the high road of heaven and like the prodigal, forgive her. None of us are worthy, are we?

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Gary September 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Thank you Jack for your encouragement and most of all, prayers!!! I know my wife is a Christian, but obviously not a “practicing” one. I don’t understand the need to be independent and free at the expense of a 16+ year marriage. I know she has been ready for this for about a year… I just thought those warning signs were a phase that she would work though… Her heart is so hardened and full of unforgiveness, and she is so bent on happiness and doing her thing. I know it will take a miracle for her to change. I know God actually used a miracle to put us together, so I know He is aware of all of this and our prayers.
BTW/ I have also been praying for my heart as well, and in NO way mean to imply I think I’ve been perfect throughout our marriage. Thank you for any continued prayers you may have for us!!! Thank you for an outlit like this post!

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Jack Wellman October 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hello Gary. I too can not claim to be without guilt & only by the grace of God does our marriage work too. I did not take it that you implied that you were perfect but I do see a great passionate desire to save this marriage and I remain in prayer for you brother and even at work today thought of you and again now. I am here for you Gary, if only to have you spill out your heart & to pray for you.

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JoAnne April 6, 2013 at 10:56 am

Good morning Pastor Jack! I am a new Christian and my husband and I have been through some very tough times. I am the one who was unfaithful to my husband (i thought i was in love and the affair lasted about 6 years) but we were both equally at fault as to the spiraling downfall of our marriage! It was terrible times and I remember thinking if only he died I would be free. How horrible is that; I still can’t believe I had those thoughts but I’m being honest. I remember telling my husband I loved him but not “in love” with him anymore! He was so sad and had even googled whether someone could fall back in love with their spouse and he couldn’t find anything. We decided to try and save our marriage but in reality, I was only their so as not to hurt our children or our parents. After all we had already been married 25 years and I was only trying not to make myself look bad….I really didn’t want to be there and I know my husband could sense it. Then a wonderful amazing thing happened. I am a worrier and have lots of fears and those fears brought me to Christ, my own marriage woes didn’t bring me to him but my own selfish fears!! I became hungry to know God and on October 29, 2011, i accepted and gave my life to Jesus and then I was baptized! One of the most amazing changes in having a personal relationship with Jesus has been my marriage! Our marriage is flourishing and on march 19 we celebrated 30 years of marriage. I asked my husband to marry me again and we renewed our vows in front of our children family and friends! I love my husband so much and seeing the changes in me has made him hungry for The Lord. I guess I’m telling my story as a testimony of hope! I’m not saying it was easy by no means, it was hard and my life had to become an open book for him and understandably as I had hurt him in the worse way possible but our marriage has turned around and is better than before and it’s all to Gods glory. It begins with Christ and the renewing of your mind! God is now in the center of our marriage. I’m sorry I rattled on but if a fly had been on the wall during the fights, the accusations, the running away, hitting each other for a time period of about 3 years, no one could ever believe that we would still be married and in love…there was so much hate but we survived and have come out on the other side of a more beautiful marriage with a joy that can only happen through Jesus Christ! Thank you for letting me share!
God bless you!

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Jack Wellman April 6, 2013 at 12:18 pm

JoAnne….what a glorious comment and so helpful and encouraging. I thank God for faithful women of God like you who desired to save their marriage. I do believe your words will give others hope and that hope is in Christ alone Who can do all things in us and thru us and we can do nothing of ourselves. What a joy to hear such a remarkable work of God and to your faith in Christ to Whom all glory goes. I thank God for you my friend.

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Gary April 6, 2013 at 12:24 pm

Thanks for your note, JoAnne… Our D is not final yet, but the settlement phase has left me devastated… yet I still pray for a softening of her heart and a reconcilliation, although it is in human terms totally impossible… I have begun to wonder, however, when is it time to give up and move on? I know she did last Sept. and as far as I know, has never looked back nor regretted her decision.

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Jack Wellman April 6, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Hi Gary. That is a question only God alone knows on when is it time to move on. I can’t answer that either. I am so sorry for such heartache. Some day all things will be made right (Rev 20) but until then, our suffering is unavoidable and I will not pretend to say “I understand” for I truly don’t. Praying God will strengthen you during this uncertain time. I know some day that Jesus will say to you “‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!'” (Matt 25:23). As for your departed wife, who knows. I pray she puts her trust in Christ and will be saved from the wrath of God.

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Derek Hill April 6, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Gary, brother, I want you to know that I know exactly where you are. My divorce is final and I went through what you are going through. I tried everything to keep my ex with me. We went through counseling, although she quit after only a few sessions. I dealt with her infidelity with multiple men and I didn’t even care. I did what God called me to do and that was to remain faithful to her until the very end. I felt like I was going through a funeral during mine and I suspect you feel the same way. I know that all of this pain and suffering comes from Satan. Please know that I will be praying for you. I pray that you will find peace in your heart when this is over and learn to forgive her as I have my ex. This time in your life is so excruciating. I understand, brother. If you would like to keep commenting, I will always answer you. All of the writers here really care about what is going on in the lives of our readers and I care about what is happening to you. You can know that as soon as I post this comment, I will pray immediately for you. I pray for God’s peace on your soul brother.

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Jack Wellman April 6, 2013 at 2:05 pm

Derek….what a good and godly man of faith you are my friend. I thank God for you and your comments and prayers…they are so full of compassion.

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Derek Hill April 6, 2013 at 3:36 pm

Thank you Jack. The love that I feel from God is so strong. To with-hold that love from others would be a waste. It is a joy to be able to mourn with those who mourn. That is one area where I believe true bonds are made that can never be broken. I have learned much from you Jack and I always appreciate your encouraging words, not just to me but to anyone that you talk with. You have definitely been a blessing to me!

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Gary April 6, 2013 at 2:08 pm

Wow! Thank you Derek!! I totally appreciate you and your prayers!! Yes, grief exactly as if someone close has died… only ongoing for 7 months… Unfortunately, there was no desire for counseling nor reconcilliation on her part, nor ANY contact since then. There was no infidelity invoved, just a hardened heart during midlife crisis time… with little, if any Christian input or Godly advice. Thankfully, forgiving comes easy to me, so that has been done. She is a born non-forgiver… she let all the little things pile up til she reached mid life and decided that pile now was too large to be forgiven. Thank you sincerely!!!

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Derek Hill April 6, 2013 at 3:32 pm

You bet Gary! Prayer is the most important thing we can do because it is a direct link to talk with the Father. I am sorry that your ex has such a hardened heart. My ex convinced herself that happiness is more important then covenant commitment. Her friends weren’t a help either because they all helped push her in that direction along with her family as well. Lots of things will pop up in your mind from time to time, so keep strong in the Lord to combat the feelings of negativity. I am glad that forgiveness comes easy for you. I am the same way. Holding on to anger and rage doesn’t benefit you at all. If you have any prayer requests at all, let me know and I will continue to pray for you. God bless you and stay strong brother!

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JoAnne April 6, 2013 at 2:15 pm

Hi Gary. I wanted to let you know that I wiil also be praying for you as well as for your wife. I’m so sorry you are going through all this…

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mark May 17, 2013 at 7:08 pm

My wife and i have been married for nine an half years.She was married to another man who didn’t treat her so great. She had a child with him that was four when we got together.Long story short we married and i adopted her. I took both of them away from a very bad life. We had a second child together a few years later that is now seven. We have never really had any fights until recently. So a few months ago i told her to lay a
ll the cards on the table so that we could work on them. This is where it all has fallrn apart for me . She told me she was never in love with me from the very start that she need me for her daughter. I never knew anything like this was even going through her head. I love her deeply but she doesn’t feel the same for me . My daughter who is thirteen just wants us to be happy but my seven year old little boy doesn’t understand why his mom and dad are thinking about a divorce. I have tried everything that i know to try to save our marriage but she doesn’t want to. She has given up and it is tearing me apart from the inside out. I dont know how to understand how she could do this . I fear for my kids on how they will feel. I can’t eat or sleep. Im slowly losing my family. I pray that she would see the good in oir marriage. She says she has never been inlove or even knows what love is. I love my wife still after all i know now and can forgive her but she doesn’t want to accept it or cant understand why i could. If anybody has any advice i would greatful. I don’t want to lose my family,contact dr.ayangba on this email:drayangba@gmail.com

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Derek Hill May 17, 2013 at 7:40 pm

Mark, I am so sorry for your situation and I don’t think that Jack will mind if i respond to your message. Brother I went through the very thing you are in right now. My ex wanted us to divorce also. I tried desperately to reconcile with her through my own efforts, counseling, prayer and talking with the pastoral staff at my church as well as one dear friend of mine. I have 2 children and I know how difficult this is for you. There have been times when I have given my 4 year old back to my ex and she just cries and cries. My heart breaks every time she grieves, Mark. There is nothing that I can do now because my divorce is finalized and my ex had moved on long before it was over. I watched her life spiral downward with multiple men, whom I forgave, but it was too late in my ex’s mind. Her line of thinking is “do what makes you happy” instead of “keep the covenant marriage commitment to your spouse.” It sounds like your wife thinks the same and I am so sorry for you. You will experience times of overwhelming grief and when this happens, CLING TO GOD! Don’t let go! Tell Him how you feel. Pray to him constantly. Stay involved in church. Sing praises even when it hurts. God is on your side and He will answer your prayers, but maybe not how you expect. I never ever thought I would go through a divorce, but here I am. If you have any questions or concerns, please reply to this and I would be glad to walk through this with you any way I can. As soon as I click the reply button I am going to pray for you. I know this hurts brother, but now more than ever you need to cling to Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. God bless you as you strive to make this work with your wife.

In His Name Always,
Derek

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Jack Wellman May 17, 2013 at 8:09 pm

I think Derek is spot on with his advice Mark. I know this feels like the worst thing there could ever be but as Derek said, cling to God. Trust in Him for all things to work out for His will and I will join Derek in praying for you too. I can not imagine such pain but I do know that Derek does understand and one thing we should pray for is for her to repent and trust in Christ and to see her sin and come back to restore this marriage as it should be…till death do you two part.

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Gary June 1, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Thank you all for prayers throughout this horrible ordeal. It is over. May 31… I didn’t even have to attend court, thankfully. Not one word, not one time seeing her again, never any tinge of movement on her part in 9 months… Still, it hurts deeply. I thought with this much preparation the pain would be less. Feels like I’ve let God down by even being a part of this horrible thing. Thankful, however, that He forgives, and He knows my heart through this was to reconcile and let Him guide us to a better marriage.

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Jack Wellman June 1, 2013 at 2:22 pm

Gary, I am glad that at least the civil part of it is over but for the pain, it must still be hard. I will pass this on to Derek too who has been such a good, loving, supportive brother of mine and you too in prayers. God forgives us all of our trespasses my brother. When we confess them, they are forgotten and we are cleansed. I don’t believe that, in your heart, you let God down. I do not believe that this woman sounds like she was ever converted. Take comfort in this brother. The only sin that God will not forgive is rejecting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and some great day, soon I pray, you will hear these words from our Master (in Matt 25:21), “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.”

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Norman Belton December 22, 2013 at 10:54 am

Through God we can overcome anything if you truly believe.

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Jack Wellman December 22, 2013 at 1:11 pm

Amen Mr. Belton. I believe because I believe in a God Who can do all things and for His glory and that is what I pray for. Thank you so much sir.

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Norman Belton December 22, 2013 at 10:56 am

I think through God we can endure and overcome anything,but only if we believe.

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Michelle March 24, 2014 at 5:50 pm

Dear pastor,
Your article is very motivating. m michelle from India. mine is a love marriage , against my parents wish. I have been married for 5 yrs now. I hav a 9 months old lovely boy and I had a loving husband coz he loves me no more. I am a very short tempered and bad mouthed person. I have even physically abused my husband. but he endured thru all that.
in 2012 my husband came across a chat conversation of me and an unknown guy where I gave him my cell no. but that was only to send him bible text coz he was in a crisis. But my hubby thinks I was having an affair coz I hid about this guy from my hubby.i told him my intentions were not wrong n apologized, he forgave me also.
after that things were fine , we had our baby. but after the baby he started behaving very aloof from me, he wud not talk neither come near me, spend most of his time outside, and texting on his mobile. he started behaving very secretive about things. when I confronted him about his behavior. he brought up the incident which took plce in 2012. he said he does not trust me and does not have any faith in our marriage.
I cried , I pleaded, I begged him to forgive and forget that whole episode but he does not want to. he has left his job here and is working far way from us and staying alone.i am with my parents. he does not call neither he talks or bother to enquire how is everything going on. he has changed so much . he was avery kind and loving husband. I don’t know how to convince him? where is our marriage going.
I feel so disgusted with myself.i feel like committing suicide but I look at my baby and stop.
Pastor tell me what to do. please help me.

totally shattered,
michelle

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Jack Wellman March 24, 2014 at 8:24 pm

Michelle, let us join together and anyone else that reads this that God saves your marriage. Have you spoken with your pastor about this? Would your husband consider going together for marriage counseling with the pastor? That is my highest recommendation, and of course praying and you have that baby to live for so start there. Let me ask you, is your husband saved? Are you born again of God? If not, start there…God hears and answers the prayers of His own children. Don’t put this off…I might even fast, and pray if I were you but I will also pray and ask any other CHristians you know to pray with you, even if its “unspoken needs” to keep it private. In the meantime, love your husband, treat him like you would yourself, have a candle light dinner or something special. Make yourself as attractive as possible. Start with being sure you are saved, if not, get saved now…and if your husband is not, pray for the Holy Spirit to save him because even a pagan kings heart is in the hands of God (Prov 21:1).

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Michelle March 25, 2014 at 5:27 am

Dear Pastor,
thank you so much for replying. Yes my husband and I are believers. we have seen God’s work in our lives, we have given testimony of his wonderful miracles and blessings in our life. we use to read the Bible and pray together every day when every thing was going fine in our lives and participate regularly in church activities. but now as he is away from me we don’t pray together. and prior to my husband leaving to another state for work, I had to coax him to pray with me and the baby. he was not so involved in family worship. But he was and is very activite children’s choir leader.
my faith because of all the problems in my life has become very shaky to tell u the fact. we are going thru a financial problem. I don’t have a job, we have a loan to clear, my husbands new job does not pay to well to support me and my baby, so I have to depend on my parents who are also having their share of financial constrains. And to top it all my marriage is on the rocks. I have been depressed for quite a long time. I have lost interest in even looking after myself as I have put on a lot of weight after my delivery. I have a low self esteem.
I want to get my strong faith back and get on my feet but things are not getting in place. I cant see any ray of hope in my life. I had got a good job and I thot this job will keep me busy so I wont have time to brood about my pains but I think m losing that job coz of my medical problems, they find me unfit . so I really don’t know. where to start and what to do?
I really love my husband, if I have his love and support I can face any problem. I feel GOD has left me on my own I don’t know what steps to take and towards what. we were the ideal couple in our church. but now I feel ashamed of myself hence I cant share this problem with my church pastor or my friends.
Pastor please help me to get on track with my spiritual life. I need some words of encouragement coz I have been keeping all this to me. I need to change my temperament , my behavior and my nature. please pray for me and advise me.

totally shattered
michelle

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Jack Wellman March 25, 2014 at 5:43 am

Michelle…I cannot save your marriage but God can but you have to cooperate. You said that you are letting yourself go by gaining weight and not taking care of yourself and your low self esteem will not make you more attractive to your husband but may serve to drive him away even further. You said that you “need to change my temperament , my behavior and my nature. please pray for me” but you must try and change yourself too. Praying for you is fine but you must put out effort. I try to fast every once in a while and this is a spiritual and physical cleansing that all of our bodies need and by fasting and praying you show God that you want to hunger after Him. Only God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1). You also said that you feel God has left you on your own but that is never true of believers (Heb 13:5). Don’t depend upon your feelings…depend upon God’s unchanging Word. If you feel you can’t share your problem with the pastor then your pride is interfering with your solution. Tell your husband that you would both like to go to speak with him but if you are ashamed, then find a strong Christian woman friend you can confide in that will not share this with another. Pray, fast, tell a friend, read your Bible and stick with the gospel of John for now. If you are not praying, reading your Bible, never fast, then you are not really desperate enough to seek real help from God.

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dav March 31, 2014 at 3:12 pm

My wife and I are separated and I have been praying fervently for her return and to see that I have surrendered my will to God. Her heart is closed and I cant see how my prayers are affecting her. I am a good man and can be a great husband with Gods help. Please pray for her return.

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Jack Wellman March 31, 2014 at 3:20 pm

I am so very sorry Dav. I know this must heart. I would keep doing what you are doing and pray…perhaps even fast. Pray that the Holy Spirit convict her of this sin and she repents and returns to you and puts her trust in Christ. Have you spoken with your pastor about this? What did he say? I would also request prayer from the saints in the church as an “unspoken needs” to keep it private. Is she saved? If not, her future is bleak indeed (Rev 20:11-15). Are you saved Dav? If not, do so right now and repent of your sins and then confess your sins, trust in Christ and then pray for your wife to be saved too for without the Holy Spirit, she is not going to see how much God hates divorce.

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Chris April 14, 2014 at 9:32 pm

I just gave up on a woman that loves me with all of her heart and this action has left her enraged to the point I can not even be friends with her.

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Jack Wellman April 14, 2014 at 9:34 pm

I am so very sorry Chris. I believe you must have done the right thing because imagine if you had married this woman, eventually she would have had several “blow ups” that could have proved costly later on. I am sorry that she is taking it so hard but it appears it is the right decision for you sir. Thank you Chris.

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brandy foxe July 2, 2014 at 9:40 am

Hi. I’ve been married close to 10 years. I’ve been separated for almost two years. My husband first cheated on me year one. After that it was a string of infidelity and lies. He is a minister but living a double life. He has caught STDs and thankfully I never caught them. He even had a baby outside the marriage. After the third bout of infidelity, I cheated. I admitted it to him and I thought we could go from there but he still continued cheating, not coming home at night and not providing. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I left with my children. Everyone is saying that I should seek divorce but I don’t know. My husband has never been remoseful about cheating and he is resentful about me leaving him. He is living with some other woman now. Should I give up and pursue the divorce or fight. I admit that I have been very mean to him the last 4 years due to all the bitterness and resentment I feel about his cheating.

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Jack Wellman July 2, 2014 at 1:24 pm

Hello Mrs. Foxe. What a difficult place you are presently in. I think you have every right and biblical grounds for divorce especially after so many years of adultery and he is still living in this sin. He has no right to be resentful. He shows no repentance. He is unqualified to be a minister from the Biblical sense. This man is headed for hell because it appears that he is not or was not ever soundly saved and shows zero evidence of living like a Christian at all (read 1 John chapter 3 to see why I say that). No wonder you are bitter. I would say you have biblical grounds for divorce and his unrepentant adultery for so many years and still even today with no sign of remorse clearly shows you have every right according to what Jesus and Paul taught on adultery. I pray it works out for you Mrs. Foxe.

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Pat Stansberry April 6, 2015 at 5:53 am

Jack,
Both me and my wife are Christians . We have been marked about 2 years( both from multiple marriages ). I love her very much, but I have pushed her away, by not talking afraid I will say the wrong things and make matter worse. I have been suffering from depression. I got hurt on the job a year ago and haven’t been able to keep or get a job.
She asked me to leave the house after I was put i hospital for 2 weeks for depression. I have really mesed this up. I don’t won’t to lose her. She wants a divorce . How do I get her to talk with me to save our marrige. How do I show her I love her, she said she doesn’t know me any more and is scared of my depression. I have never ,hit,yelled, or caused at her. I just got where I didn’t talk with her, and in her defense she tried to get me too. After I left I know the mistakes I have made and told her.i asked her not to let me ove back I but to give me 6 mo. To try and find the mn she once loved . I want to be that man. How do I fix this..I am willingg to do any thing to save my marrige . Is gong to counseling . Praying to God reading the bible.PLEASE HELP. satin has come between us. We did prison. Inks try,a outreach, and CMA.i miss and lve her so much.i refuse to give up even that she seems to . I pray got will soften her heart and we can work this out. I know my fith is being tested. I know also God can make a miracle . Thank you for your time . Have a blessed day. You’d in Christ . pat

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Jack Wellman April 6, 2015 at 9:57 am

Hello Pat…I will be joining you in praying for God to soften this woman’s heart. I love the way you put that. Only God can change a person’s heart (Prov 21:1) but I believe we should pray for just that. When we cannot do any more humnanly, that’s when God can help us. We must surrender this problem because it appears you’ve done all you can. I would still keep in touch where her….send her a card, surprise her with flowers, keep praying for her and I will to and then let’s trust God and then leave the results up to Him.

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Maria October 22, 2015 at 10:19 pm

Dear Pastor,

My husband and I have been married over 15 years. Today he told me he no longer wants to be married to me. I had noticed his unhappiness in the last year, but he would not talk about his feelings until in the middle of a fight he would lash out and say that he was completely unhappy. The last few months he has befriended several coworkers, some of them female, and he admitted he would rather be with them then at home. I asked him to please not be alone with the females in settings where no one else is around. He said I injured him because I was accusing him of possibly being unfaithful. I love him and he says he still loves me. He says the passion is gone and I am no longer the woman he married. He says he sees me just as the mother of his children. I asked him to give us one year to work on this, he agreed but with great hesitance. I suggested dedicating time each day away from the kids to reconnect again he agreed, but said he didn’t believe it would work. He also is refusing to be counseled by our pastor because he doesn’t want anyone judging him. Please help a wife desperately wanting to save her marriage.

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Jack Wellman October 23, 2015 at 11:29 am

I feel helpless Maria for you are already doing all that you can and my sense if whether your husband is truly saved or not because he is trying to blame you for his adultery or affairs for we can lust in our hearts after others and Jesus calls it the same as adultery. I can only say to pray to God for Him to change this man’s heart for God can change any human heart (Prov 21:1) and even a Saul can become a Paul.

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maria October 31, 2015 at 10:26 am

Dear Pastor,
I could not wait to share the news. My husband is beginning counseling with my pastor today. With prayer and the Lord we will reach the point God wishes us to be.

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Jack Wellman November 1, 2015 at 7:06 pm

Maria…praise God! Let’s keep praying for him and God to soften his heart and that Jesus’ name is glorified because that’s whose name we pray through!

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Mike H October 27, 2015 at 8:43 am

Fred,
My wife has been unfaithful. She and the other man claims just a kiss happened. I want to believe her but at this point it does not matter. She was his realtor and became friends through that process. They seemed to started talking once a week and it slowly progressed. I was up for a new job in a town we always wanted to move too. I believe during this process the other guy decided he did not want to lose her and decided to express his feelings. IT started to become a bad situation and they kissed. I never got that job and she came to me and said she was not happy. After a couple weeks of me showing that I love her and trying to work on it she confessed to the kiss. I want to forgive her and she said she wants the marriage to work but is having trouble ending the conversations with the other man. We are doing our next councelling session tomorrow and went to church for the first time in 8 months. The service was on 1st corthians titles Love never fails. She said she has been asking god for a sign on what to do and it was exactly what she needed. I am still having trouble believing it. She seems to be engaged with this most of the time but has not asked me to forgive her flat out yet. And has spoken to the man sense. Not like it was but a couple of times. She has said she was sorry but she said she need to find a way to end it and does not know is she can or how to. This has only come about in the past week. A week today. I am praying every day for her and actually for him for find God. She agreed to read this article with me tonight and maybe we can practice this too. What can I do and am I just getting my hopes up.

Please help a lost Christian that wants to be found.

Mike H

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Tarsha F August 22, 2016 at 2:40 pm

Thank you for this article. My husband and I are at the point where if counseling doesn’t help we are divorcing. This is not what I want. This article has given me perspective on what and how to do in order to bandage, heal, and move on in our union. I loathe the enemy and all that he does. I refuse to allow him to devour me with negative thoughts of insecurity and low self esteem. I refuse him to steal, kill, and destroy the virtuous woman I was reared to be and I know I am. I stand on the promises of God and say NO!!! You cannot nor will not take my union before God away. What GOD has joined, no man shall or enemy in hell shall put asunder. I decree it in Jesus name!!!!!

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Steve Miller January 30, 2017 at 11:00 am

Good Morning, my trouble lies with the parents of my spouse. They are constantly pushing for there decisions to be played out in our relationship. My wife to be does not see that this causes such great ciaos and un-comfort with me. I just need some scripture that plainly states to stay out of our business but there is only little to none backing me up. I came to this page for answers and I did find them, but I can not go to them with your words. I need direct quotes from the bible. HELP, before it is too late!

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Jack Wellman January 30, 2017 at 4:41 pm

Hello Mr. Miller. Thank you for your comments and seeking Bible verses for help. The Bible says that it was not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18), so “the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man” (Gen 2:22). This proves that “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil” (Eccl 4:9), “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Eccl 4:12). If you and your spouse put God first, then that is a threefold cord that is not easily broken, however a twofold cord is broken very easily.

When God brought Eve to Adam, He told them, “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:24). If a man doesn’t leave his father and mother, meaning if he doesn’t leave them out of his new family, then he has not really left his “father and mother” and won’t be able to hold “fast to his wife.” Of course, the same thing applies to the woman. They are to leave their families and cleave to their spouse as they are now “one flesh” (Mark 10:8).

If you use these Bible verses, use them only once, because you cannot use Bible verses to make someone do something. It must be from the heart, but these parents are disobeying God’s law for marriage, and if they break up this marriage, God will hold them accountable. If your wife doesn’t listen to you, then she is also not submitting to her husband (Eph 5:22), which the Bible says she must just as Christ submitted to the Father’s will.

I would speak to your pastor about this and seek counseling. I believe he will agree with me.

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Robbie January 2, 2018 at 10:52 am

Mr. Wellman,

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have two girls (5 and 2 years old). We are both born again Christians. We were raised in church together. Three months ago, I was surprised to learn that my wife no longer wants to be with me. She claims to have suffered years of criticism and disrespect and no longer trusts me. I understand now that I have been critical and deeply regret my words and actions.

I have committed with everything I have to reconcile our marriage, asking God to guide me in my efforts. We still sleep in the same bed, but we continue to grow further apart. She says it hurts too much to discuss our relationship and clams up. She has completely rejected attempts at making this right, even gifts and acts of service. She is a completely different person and has made it clear that she is not interested in saving our marriage. Her heart is bitter against me.

She has discussed our marriage with her parents. They have heard her side and have agreed to take her in should the relationship fail. I know this is wrong of them and detrimental to our relationship, but I’m not sure how to handle this. I have recently spoken with my father-in-law in efforts to make amends, but was not received. Her parents hearts are also hardened toward me.

I have discussed this with my pastor. He has given sound biblical advice, but nothing is working right now. I mean no disrespect to my pastor, but I will seek out any venue that may help. You are an expert, and I would appreciate any input you may have.

Thanks,

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Jack Wellman January 2, 2018 at 1:30 pm

Hello Robbie and I am so sorry sir for this marriage disruption. For one thing, your in-laws are sinning. The Bible says that the woman is to leave and cleave to her husband and the man (and of course the woman too, since “man” is general about mankind) is to leave his father and mother, meaning they are to leave them out of the marriage. There should never be any in-laws siding with their child. Clearly, it is wrong and can destroy marriages, to which they would be culprits and God will hold them accountable. This is probably what your pastor said and I know you are not disrespecting him since you are seeking a second opinion over this. Your wife’s parents are splitting asunder (apart) what God said no man should do. I would pray for them. The actions of your in-laws and your wife don’t appear to be those of a believe (read 1 John 3) so all you can do, and what I will do, is pray for their salvation if indeed they are not saved. Jesus said you will know them by their fruits, and their fruits are worldly fruits and not from God. Jesus said that others will know with certainty that they are His disciples if they love one another (John 13:34-35) and there is no evidence of the love of God in their lives, so if they are not truly saved (as it sounds like) then pray for that and besides, a person and people (perhaps like your in-laws) without the Spirit of God cannot obey God. It’s like asking a blind man to walk a maze. They are perhaps blinded by the god of this world, so pray for her and her parents my brother. Love her. When you have done all you can, which it appears you have, then only God can do what He can. Only God can change a human heart (Prov 21:1).

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lemlem legesse October 26, 2018 at 4:20 am

I got a problem in my marriage

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