Reasons for Divorce: What Does the Bible Say?

by Jack Wellman on October 29, 2011 · Print Print · Email Email

Are there acceptable reasons for getting a divorce?  What are not acceptable reasons for divorce?  What does the Bible say about divorce?  Are there biblical grounds for divorce?

Are There Acceptable Reasons For Getting a Divorce?

What are biblical reasons that are acceptable for divorce?  Some may reason that if there is violence in the family it is at least time to move out.  One reason to have a person separate themselves would be when a husband or wife is abusive to their spouse and also to their children.  There is no reason that a person should put up with this.  The first thing might be to move from that location and separate and hope that the abuser gets some counseling and help.  It is not lawful to abuse another person.  Sexual abuse of children is also against the law and should be reason to relocate immediately and the one doing the sexual abusing should be turned into the law.  No one should endure such abuse – God would not look down or think it sin if a person or a spouse’s children are being abused and they are removed from whoever is molesting the chiild.  They have every legal right to defend their children from this and to protect themselves and their children from this.

Marital infidelity, drug abuse, and non-support are also seriously considered for separating but since we know that God hates divorce, the person or couple should seek marital counseling (Malachi 2:16).  Of these, ongoing sexual immorality, that is divorce,  is a biblical reason.  Finding a good Christian counselor is a good first step.  As a former Mental Health Case Manager, I have seen the damage done to women and children – and even some men – and it destroys lives and the ability to trust again.  Some carry lifelong scars from things that occur in homes that are unspeakable.  You can forgive others but you can not ever undo something that leaves its mark for life.

Reasons For Divorce

What are the Reasons For Divorce?

What Are Not Acceptable Reasons For Divorce?

I have heard many reasons about people seeking and getting divorces – even among Christians.  The reasons are many but none of these are acceptable to God:

“I fell out of love with my wife/husband.”

“I just don’t have anything in common with her/him anymore”

“My husband/wife just doesn’t love me anymore.”

“This just can’t be God’s will for my life anymore.”

“We are incompatible.”

“He/she lied to me before we got married.”

“It wasn’t really genuine in ‘God’s eyes’”.

“They would be happier without me.”

“I would be happier without him/her.”

There are dozens more that are not listed here but none of these that are mentioned are acceptable and only those mentioned in the Bible are acceptable reasons for divorce.  This does not counting abuse or unrepentant, ongoing sexual immorality.  The Bible says it is sin to divorce unless you have biblical grounds for it, which will be mentioned at the bottom of this article.

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?

Clearly God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) because “What God has joined together, let man not separate . . . I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6, 9). Jesus said that, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12).  Being unequally yoked with unbelievers was mentioned prior to marriage but God is just as clear that divorce is not permissible just because one is not a believer and the other is not.

Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).  There are many such marriages where a spouse is a believer and married to an unbeliever but this is not grounds for divorce. In fact, the believing spouse may lead such a life as to bring the unbelieving spouse to faith in Christ.  First Corinthians chapter 7 is an excellent overview of marriage and sexual relationships for the single believer.  Here Paul lays down the command “for all churches” to continue living and being married to the unbeliever.  First Corinthians 7:17, 20 says, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”

If a husband or wife dies, then that person can remarry and not commit adultery, which is what Paul was specific about in I Corinthians 7:39, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” So the unbelieving spouse can remarry but it must be to a believer as to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  If a spouse is married to an unbeliever Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? ” (I Cor 7:12-14, 16). This is an amazing passage of Scripture.  Paul says that it is possible – in fact it has happened many times – that an unbelieving spouse comes to faith in Christ by the believing spouse.

Paul clarifies it by saying, “…if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace” (I Cor 7:15).

Are There Biblical Grounds For Divorce?

There are biblical grounds for getting a divorce and it is ongoing, unrepentant adultery.  Some believe if there is physical abuse against a spouse and physical or sexual abuse of the spouse’s children that is never resolved, they may divorce.  That is a person’s decision after they counsel with a pastor or Christian marriage counselor.  At the least they should move out immediately and report this to the police.

Sexual immorality or adultery that is unrepentant and ongoing is reasonable before God’s eyes for permitting a divorce.  Jesus said that, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife [and husband of course], except for sexual immorality, makes her [or him] the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt 5:37. 19:9). Adultery is breaking a serious commandment (Ex 20:14). But if the adultery and sexual immorality committed by the sinning spouse stops and they repent, then there should be every chance given to the person to forgive them (Mark 11:25, Luke 6:27-28).  God is all about forgiveness and we are told to forgive our brother or sister when they fall and want to be restored.

Divorce is a last resort but if there is no other choice and adultery persists with no signs of remorse, repentance, or change, then divorce is permitted.  God hates divorce but He would not expect a married person to remain married to a spouse that remains in an adulterous situation.  It is hoped that there is always room for repentance, counseling, and reconciliation – but if it doesn’t occur, and sexual sins outside of marriage persist, the victim of such a marriage is not bound by the law and God would not call that sin.

Do you have something you want to add on this topic? Please share it in the comments.

Sources

The Holy Bible, New International Version

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 



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{ 1764 comments… read them below or add one }

Billy Wright February 12, 2014 at 9:28 am

Well right now I am really going through a lot of things right now. I feel GOD is doing something I just don’t know what. My wife is out of control right now. I feel that Satan has his hand on her and I am truly concerned about her. I am still fight for my marriage. I just need prayers right now.

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Jack Wellman February 12, 2014 at 3:45 pm

Count on my prayers Billy for sure. I am so glad you are fighting for the sanctity of your marriage. This is very pleasing to God as you must know and I thank God for men of God like you who are striving to do the right thing.

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BILLY WRIGHT February 13, 2014 at 12:03 am

thanks Mr. Wellman, I hve taken a stand and told my wife that I am moving back into our bedroom and back into our bed as the man of the house. She said she didn’t want me or this marriage and she wanted out. I believe that satan has his hands on her and I am praying and demanding satan take his hands off her. This is a war that I am not willing to give the enemy the victory. She is doing alot of things out of her character. She has backed away from GOD and everything and everyone that she had a spiritual tie to. So I ask for the prayers of the righteous for GOD to rebuild and restore this marriage and this family. Thank you in advance. All things are possible through CHRIST JESUS.

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billy wright February 23, 2014 at 8:35 pm

I still need prayers of the righteous. My wife told me she got an apartment and it will be ready in April. I have prayed for that assignment to be canceled in the name of Jesus Christ. I also canceled the assignment and the decree of a divorce. So I am asking for prayers that God will turn this situation all the way around.

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Shaddé February 26, 2014 at 1:42 pm

I’m praying with you and for you Billy! Our God is able!

I admire your desire to hold on despite your situation and hardship!

We wrestle not against flesh and blood my brother!

Stand Firm!

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billy wright February 26, 2014 at 5:01 pm

Thanks just continue to plead the blood of Jesus Christ over my entire situation. ……

Mike February 12, 2014 at 3:51 pm

Keep standing! I am standing with you and all other standers. Keep God as the object of your faith, and not your circumstances. God’s will, done God’s way, in God’s time, will be given God’s provision.

Mike

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Gail February 12, 2014 at 3:58 pm

Hi Pastor Jack!!
I am in the middle of information gathering for my book on finding a Prov 31 man/woman for singles and also how to intercede if you may have missed it.

http://nuggets4u.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/10-men-christian-women-should-never-marry/

Alot of people in the Church desire a Prov 31. The comments after the article reveal there is work to do!

Blessings
Gail

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Thelovingandunderstandingwife February 12, 2014 at 6:40 pm

Thank you for praying. I know if I stay strong and keep searching fo Him. God will make a way. I trust my husband will be home and be the man of valor he’s suppose to be

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vicki February 16, 2014 at 3:49 pm

Hello I am in a situation where my husband has had an affair and I can’t move passed. I no longer want this marriage cause my heart. can’t start over. I have had a rough childhood and looked to my husband as a safeguard and now he’s the enemy. I love the lord and all he has done for me and my children but I don’t want to go any longer married to this man. I say I forgive him all the time to embed it in me but I feel like forgiving him doesn’t mean I have to still want him. My heart aches atthe thought of not having him and my family but I don’t want it anymore. it’s been five years this year and I think about all the time especially if were intimate I just fry to sleep. I need help, I want out.

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Jack Wellman February 16, 2014 at 10:13 pm

Vicky…please don’t divorce your husband. A one time affair is not biblical grounds for divorce. You must extend forgiveness and mercy as we have received it from God. What if God didn’t feel like forgiving us? If you divorce over this one time affair, you will be in the wrong. Divorce is always a very last resort and it is only for adultery that is ongoing and unrepentant, not a one time affair. You can’t blame a “rough childhood” for that and blame your husband for that childhood and failing to safeguard you. He is NOT the enemy…the Devil is. Has he asked for forgiveness. You said you forgave him but I don’t think you really did because you said “but fell like forgiving him doesn’t mean I have to still want him.” Give him what he doesn’t deserve…unconditional love and forgiveness…counsel with your pastor…go together. Remember God gave you His unconditional forgiveness and love when you were still His enemy and while you were still a sinner, just like He did me?

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Tam February 16, 2014 at 10:13 pm

Vicki,
I am sure that at the very least betrayal hurts!! I know the other emotions that will take over our mind. I encourage you to read Philippians 4:8… Your warfare in your mind is a tough battle to win, but I am confident that you can overcome with the Power of Jesus Christ! (Philippians 1:6) Christ concurred that at Calvary you have victory in your mind and marriage! But some good practical advise would be to go see a CHRISTIAN counselor. You may need to work through somethings from your past and it’s just manifesting right now in your marriage due to your husbands cheating. You can do it! Get some Godly counsel and put the devil in his place in your marriage and in your life! I am rooting for you my sister! I believe Gods report for your marriage! Be encouraged!

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Jack Wellman February 16, 2014 at 10:21 pm

Amen Tam…thanks my sister in Christ. Superb and very godly advice.

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vicki February 16, 2014 at 10:27 pm

I had a feeling that I would be the blame for feeling the way that I do. But I hate that I didn’t do it to myself. If it was my way he wouldn’t of never been able to do such a thing. I don’t consider this a one time thing. The affair lasted four months and he said he loved her and thought that maybe this was his soul mate. I can’t get the words and the actions out of my mind. I asked for so many details and he just disgust me at this point. I don’t know how to feel better. I don’t think God wants me to just stay married but feel miserable and if I do everyone in the house will join me.

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BrokenOne February 22, 2014 at 12:16 pm

Vicki,

I am in a ver similar situation. Except it was my wife that had the 4 month affair. The images and thoughts haunt me throughout my day and night. No peace. I feel betrayed by the one person I trusted the most. But I love her. I want my marriage and family to survive no matter how much pain I have yo endure. Right now she is the one that wants out. I want her to stay no matter how much those images hurt me. I pray for God to ease your mind and allow you to breathe, sleep, and dream once again without these thoughts controlling you. I know how you feel. Be strong.

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suenaw February 21, 2014 at 9:47 am

Reading through all these postings i am not sure what to think or even feel any more. My husband left home two days ago after a huge argument. in 2007 we separated for the second time and this separation lasted 3 and half years. We separated when i was about 5 months pregnant. Since our child was born he never really bothered to see or even just call to find out how his child was. after 3yrs when his life took a toll on him as he went deep into drinking… and also alot of pornography. regardless i thought he needed help since he was not broke and basically in the streets. It hurt me to see him go through that and we got back in 2011. its been only 3 years we have another daughter now and he is worse than he came. Drinks everyday, masturbates next to me in bed… has no job but whenever he has money he uses it to drink. He used to be a strong christian but not anymore and says God is ashamed of him and that the greatest favor i can do for him is give him money so he can live the rest of his shameful life away from people. I have tried to encourage him to pray for him. He has not respect for my pastor and insults his wife. I had no reason to divorce him hence my allowing us back together but now i am really feeling torn apart because he is draining me spiritually and emotionally. How can God still allow that i go through this? I know he works wonders but my husband keeps pushing me way and says i am sleeping around with other men and thats very hurtful because if i did i would not care about him the way i think i do. He has left now and i want to release him. One of our pastors and at church and my parents advised me to tell him to leave just when we got back because he had never been there for me and our child but i told them that that is not what “Jesus would do” and that i had no biblical basis to divorce him but here i am wondering ….any one out there?

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Jack Wellman February 21, 2014 at 3:35 pm

Hello Suenaw…and thank you for your comment and question. If your husband has abandoned you and is wanting you to keep helping him and is not working or supporting you and your child and has been getting drunk, I agree with your pastor and your parents. Let him be. Let him hit rock bottom because God may use his desperation to drive him to his knees and we don’t need to get between the hammer and God’s work. I would keep him out and not let him back home or help him out until he repents. The Bible teaches that if a man does not work, neither should he eat, both from the Old and the New Testament and Jesus would not want you, I don’t believe, to enable his sin of drunkenness and neglect by helping him out. What do you think?

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billy wright February 23, 2014 at 8:28 pm

I will say a prayer for you as well Hannah.

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suenaw March 20, 2014 at 5:49 pm

I think you are spot on and i agree that this may be a necessary process for him. Thanks alot! God bless you!

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Jack Wellman March 20, 2014 at 9:18 pm

Thank you suenaw my friend. Praying for you and this whole situation. God is always with you no matter what my friend.

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Hannah February 23, 2014 at 7:10 pm

Hi, I really need some advice. I have been married for almost three years, I feel so unhappy now in my marriage. The topic of us getting a divorce keeps accruing on both sides of the of the relationship. I’m tired of always fighting. I really need some prayers. He is very controlling and trys to keep me away from my family. I feel like a slave. I just need some advice.

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Jack Wellman February 23, 2014 at 7:57 pm

Hello Hannah. Let me say that I thank God for you that you are wanting to ask others to pray for your marriage and not bail out and get a divorce. God is most pleased by this. I will fall on my face on your behalf because if God can change the heart of a pagan king (Prov 21:1) then He can convert even a Saul into a Paul so don’t lose heart. Please others who are subscribed to this…I beg you to join with me and for Hannah’s sake to pray for God to send aid to help this marriage and that this man, if not already saved, that the Holy Spirit comes and convicts Hannah’s husband of his sin, converts his soul to see the need for the Savior and to repent and trust in Christ…for there is really no other way and that Jesus’ name, in whose name we pray, be glorified in all this.

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billy wright February 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

I will say a prayer for you as well Hannah.

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Jack Wellman February 23, 2014 at 8:31 pm

May God richly bless you for that Billy. Thank you sir.

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BILLY WRIGHT February 23, 2014 at 8:48 pm

I am still in need of prayers of the righteous because now my wife has put a deposit on an apartment that is for the month of April. I have prayed to GOD to cancel the assignment of her moving out. I have also prayed for GOD to cancel the assignment and cancel the decree of a divorce. So I am asking for the righteous to stand in prayer with me for my situation. I am believing my GOD will turn this situation around. I am believing it and claiming a full restoration of my marriage.

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Jack Wellman February 23, 2014 at 9:51 pm

Billy, then that makes two tonight that I will be praying for in regards to a spouse and you can count on them my brother. I still thank God that there are men and women of faith who are seriously striving and praying for God’s deliverance for their marriages. Let’s go together before the throne in your behalf for your beloved my brother.

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billy wright February 26, 2014 at 5:02 pm

Thanks just continue to plead the blood of Jesus Christ over my entire situation. ……

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Tom March 5, 2014 at 10:41 am

Billy, so glad to see you standing strong! Reading your comments, you are waking right in my footsteps concerning your wife, the apartment, etc. Just continue to look to the truth of God’s Word and not the lies of the circumstance. He is faithful.

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Mel February 27, 2014 at 1:02 am

Please pray for me and my daughter. My husband served me with divorce papers and a restraining order that forced me and my daughter to leave the house with barely any possessions.
We’ve had physical and verbal encounters, and he’s claiming total innocence and saying I’m totally to blame and that I’m trying to end his life. It’s scary to see how he’s thinking because so much of it sounds incredible.
I am not shocked at the divorce request but am stunned that he’s placed a restraining order against me based on lies.

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Jack Wellman February 27, 2014 at 12:40 pm

I will be glad to pray for you Mel. Let’s ask others to join with us as we have many prayer warriors and we know it is God’s will that no divorce happens. I am so sorry for your heartache. Let’s pray and leave the results up to God. Read Psalm 37 and I would also be sure to speak with your pastor right away.

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Mel February 27, 2014 at 3:06 pm

I did talk with the pastor. It doesn’t seem though that things are going to change. My spouse seems very intent on seeing this through. And based on my knowledge and history with him, once he sets his mind to something, it doesn’t change. I really appreciate your prayers through this hard time.

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Jack Wellman February 27, 2014 at 3:07 pm

Mel, when all we can do is pray, it is not the least we can do…it is the very most we can do and I will do so my friend. I am so sorry.

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BILLY WRIGHT February 27, 2014 at 3:33 pm

Mel, if you want your marriage claim it and believe it. Remember all things are possible through JESUS CHRIST. I am going through some of the same things you can read my post, so I understand. As a man of GOD I will stand in prayer for you and you situation. Tomorrow I will be fasting and praying for my situation and I will also pray for you and you family also. As believers we must stand together to stop the enemy from breaking up marriages because this was one of the first institutions our GOD put into place. So we must bind the enemy’s devices and plead the blood of JESUS CHRIST over our families and situations.

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tom March 9, 2014 at 10:30 pm

I will second Billy’s comment I have been separated from my wife for over 2 years and I went through a period of months where I had divorce papers on my desk and EVERYTIME I saw my wife, no matter how good things seems to be, she would always ask “Have you signed those papers?” She would constantly remind me that “she’s done”. She was determined to move on. But God. Literally in an instant and during what seemed to be attack of discouragemnt from the enemy, I saw Gods hand. My wife got her own apartment. That broke my heart. It felt so permanent. Furthermore, She needed someone to help her move stuff. Our stuff. From our house. And guess what? She asked me. Yep. God gave me a wonderful day with my wife. An opportunity to love her despite the circumstance. An opportunity to be the man God wanted me to be. What the devil meant for evil, God, God, God, my loving Father turned into a huge blessing. And he’s been working and restoring ever since. Please don’t ever give up. Your family (and others) count on it. When times get tough, ask yourself “Am I gonna let the devil win? Hell No!!”

billy wright March 9, 2014 at 10:57 pm

Tom, I want to say thanks for the words of encourgement. I truly believe God’s hand is moving in my situation and I will not stop fighting for my family. The enemy is try destroy as many marriages as he can because his time is running out. But glory to the one and only true God that reigns over my soul. I am believing, claiming, and trusting in him for my situation. I will continue to pray without ceasing. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ over my entire situation and over those who are going through similar situations. God gets all the glory and honor in this whole situation. I am praying for everyone.

Mike Swierenga February 27, 2014 at 5:10 pm

There are standers all over the world who are praying for the restoration of marriages. It is not easy some days, but many are standing for the covanent that they made with God and their spouses. Do not focus on your circumstances, but look to God. After all, there is nothing that God can not do – He’s God!

Praying for all those who have decided to stand,
Mike

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Cousin Jimmy March 3, 2014 at 7:47 pm

I have been married for nearly 13 years to a woman who has constantly torn me down and been a hindrance to my career. Despite her, I have made something of myself and I put her through college at the same time.

She is constantly disrespecting me in front of the kids and there is no peace in my house, and hasn’t been for a long time. I have a meeting with my pastor in a few days, but I am caught between a rock and a hard place here.

I cannot have my daughters see this behavior of her’s and think that is how marriage is supposed to be and that is how a wife behaves, and at the same time I am pushed to my break point so many times, sometimes physically (she can’t really hurt me I’m a retired hockey player and she isn’t), that I don’t know what else to do.

I work very hard and my job is belittled even though I am carrying financial load, and frankly, I want out. I want custody of my girls and I don’t want a penny in child support from her.

I’m a marginal Christian at best. After 13 years of this, I’m pretty pissed off at the world and it’s creator.

I don’t know if these are Biblical grounds for divorce, but I’m also charged with raising these girls right, so I really probably only have the choice between making sure my girls don’t grow up to be like their mother, or putting up with their mother and possibly wrecking my kids.

Any insight at all? I’m at my wit’s end here.

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Jack Wellman March 3, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Thank you Jimmy for your comment and question. I am sorry you are angry at the world and the Creator, God. Is this His fault or the world’s fault? I am not sure why you are angry at God but I do see that you are in a hard place. What would a divorce do to the children? Would they want to live with you instead of their mother, although you seem to be the best influence for them? I do like that you are meeting with your pastor. I do not see that this is biblical grounds for divorce but what I do see is a woman, your wife, who has no evidence of being saved and so without the Holy Spirit, she cannot ever possible be a good or godly wife. We know that God can change any human heart though (Prov 21:1) and maybe that is something to think about. Go ahead and talk to your pastor as you said you will and see what he also says. I do think that you are the best influence for your girls.

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Cousin Jimmy March 4, 2014 at 9:37 am

I don’t know at this point Pastor. This morning I was told either I grant her a divorce or I will never live peacefully in my home. To me this is mental abuse. My kids get to witness this every day.

I have to weigh my responsibility to provide a safe and loving environment to grow up in against a Biblical mandate not to sin by divorcing my wife. It seems like either way I’m going to commit a sin, either a sin or commission or a sin of omission.

You are right that being mad at God is foolish, but trying to keep it a secret from Him is foolish too. All I could do last night was pray “God, I don’t even know what to ask, but you know how to answer.”

Anyway, still meeting my pastor ASAP. This cannot go on any longer.

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Jack Wellman March 4, 2014 at 9:42 am

So sorry for such heartache and her putting you in that position is terrible. She is sinning a great sin and literally trying to destroy a family and something that God brought together. I believe, from the sound of it, that this woman needs a new birth or she’ll suffer such a terrible fate that it cannot even be described (e.g. Rev 20:11-15). At least you are fighting for this marriage and this is pleasing to God.

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Tom March 5, 2014 at 10:05 am

Hi Jimmy,

Maybe what your girls see IS the way marriage is supposed to be… Unconditional love. Hope. Perseverance. Commitment. You are their hero and now is your time to shine. Stand firm and pray. Unceasingly. God listens, always.

Btw, I love the prayer you mentioned “God, I don’t know what to pray but you know how to answer.” We all need to pray with that kind of faith a little more often.

God bless
Tom

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billy wright March 5, 2014 at 10:16 am

I agree with you 100% tom. Pray for you Jimmy.

Rose March 5, 2014 at 12:33 pm

I agree with Tom also. This is where you can shine Gods light. Pray, pray and pray some more. Take the girls to church. Show them how a dad and the head of the house can be. Your wife might bloom under your unwavering strength and love and devotion to your wife and family and The Lord. Or she might not. Either way, your girls will see your example, and hopefully one day look for husbands who will mirror what you show now. Someone who will never give up on them.

billy wright March 3, 2014 at 8:05 pm

Cousin Jimmy, I say to you when you feel that your at your wits end just have the faith of a mustard seed and watch GOD work. I am in a situation in my marriage of almost 13 years but my faith and trust are in Jesus Christ. You said you were a marginal christian, I say to you taste and see how good GOD is and he will turn your situation around. I will stand in prayer for you and your family. May God be in the mist of your situation.

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billy wright March 3, 2014 at 8:06 pm

Cousin Jimmy, I say to you when you feel that your at your wits end just have the faith of a mustard seed and watch GOD work. I am in a situation in my marriage of almost 13 years but my faith and trust are in Jesus Christ. You said you were a marginal christian, I say to you taste and see how good GOD is and he will turn your situation around. I will stand in prayer for you and your family. May God be in the mist of your situation.

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Jack Wellman March 4, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Billy, I truly thank God for you brother. You are such a prayer warrior and I thank God that He brought you here and it was most certainly in His sovereignty and I love how you are such an encouragement to those who are struggling with their marriages and you know full well about this pain and so I wanted to thank you and thank God for you. We need you…I need you here. And I am grateful that God brought you here with intentionality to help and lift up others.

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Gloria March 7, 2014 at 5:08 am

Hello, after reading all the comments, I see that there are many similar situations to my own. Been married 24 years. My husband wants out of the marriage with no explanation except that he is no longer in love with me. I have been there for him thru thick and thin-as a wife should be, thru sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. I don’t understand why he is doing this. He will not talk to me. He is back in contact with his high school love and is on certain websites that are not appropriate. I must admit that faith has never been a strong point in my life. He says he wants me to file for divorce because he doesn’t have the money to file. I will not file, but I am miserable because I still love this man very much-he is my first love-there is no communication, there is nothing. Please pray for me because I am having a difficult time praying for myself. Thank you.

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Jack Wellman March 7, 2014 at 7:22 am

I will pray for as you ask Gloria. I am so sorry that your husband is doing this to you and I indeed ask God to strengthen you during this trial. How often this is happening in this land and it is growing and it appears that marriages are in trouble these days. I would stay your ground and not sign. I would also talk to your pastor about this and see what he says.

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tom March 9, 2014 at 10:42 pm

Gloria, I will pray for you as I do all standers and especially those on this site. But I had to pass along the Prayer of another poster Cousin Jimmy. I just love. “God I don’t even know what to ask, but You know how to answer”. That’s a prayer full of faith. Turn to Him and trust. He clothes the flowers in beauty and feeds the birds of the air… He loves you and knows your every need. : )

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yvette March 8, 2014 at 6:00 pm

Short update: I posted on this site in early February and was encouraged to continue to pray and even fast for my marriage and although I had been praying for my marriage I had never fasted concerning this. I immediately began to fast and pray and I saw a sudden change between my husband and I. He planned a weekend getaway on Valentine’s Day and we had a wonderful time and although I did not want to leave him, I praised God for that time together. Well since that day till this we have spent every Friday & Saturday together and although we do not discuss anything about us and our relationship I am grateful for the time we have together and that we are at least talking to each other more than we have in the past. I see God working and I continue to pray day and night for my husband’s salvation and to do my best to love him unconditionally regardless of our current situation or what he does or says. I know God is moving on the other side of the mountain even though I can’t see it. God Bless.

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Jack Wellman March 8, 2014 at 7:22 pm

Yvette…this is truly remarkable and a glory to God and to your perseverance in not giving up on this marriage. I am so encouraged by this and thank you for sharing this news. I think there is something about prayer and fasting that shows God that you are serious about wanting to save this marriage. So good to hear.

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Tom March 8, 2014 at 9:32 pm

I love it!! I am sitting with my wife right now after spending a wonderful day with her and my daughter (who turned 16). We were in the brink of divorce a year ago, but God is faithful and he’s working a miracle in our life. He can change hearts!!

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billy wright March 8, 2014 at 9:02 pm

Yvette, I will say to you never stop praying and believing in what God is doing. All things are possible through Jesus Christ. I will continue to pray for you and ask for your prayers in my situation as well. To God be the glory. This is just proof that our God is still in the healing and restoration business.

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billy wright March 9, 2014 at 1:43 pm

I must say that is awesome that there are so many believers in Christ Jesus 4 the situations that we are all going through. I would like to thank all brothers and sisters who are praying for my situation as well as others. It is truly God that has control of all our situations. For those that believe in him and trust in him cast your cares and your situations on him and watch him turn them around. I say this because I am a firm believer in God and I believe that he shall turn my situation around as well as others. So I say let’s all continue to pray one for the other and watch as God’s hands
move in our situations.

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yvette March 9, 2014 at 6:30 pm

I will be praying for everyone here and what I also neglected to mention is that when I began my fast it was not the normal thing that you hear of everyone fasting which is a meal. I fasted something that was very much a part of my everyday life that I could not go one day without and that was social media or facebook. Once I began my fast from this I really realized how addicted to it I was. I was literally having withdrawal symptoms!. I wanted to login so bad to get the latest gossip it was terrible and I believe God saw my sincerity in that my marriage is more important to me than facebook. It is so easy to get caught up in things of this nature and they can become a stronghold without us even realizing that they are. As people of God we need to be very careful of what we say, what we look at, what we listen to and how we conduct ourselves around others. I want my life to be spotless before God and it seems to be the little things that trip us up and cause us to lose focus. God Bless.

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Jack Wellman March 9, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Yvette…that is spot on. I believe a media fast is so good for us and helps us focus so much more on God. Chip Ingram of Living on the Edge and Dr. Irwin Lutzer of the Running to Win ministries regularly do a media fast and I think it is just as, if not more, effective than one of abstaining from food. Love it. It is the Song of Solomon (I think) that says “It is the little foxes that spoil the vine.”

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billy wright March 9, 2014 at 10:59 pm

Tom, I want to say thanks for the words of encourgement. I truly believe God’s hand is moving in my situation and I will not stop fighting for my family. The enemy is try destroy as many marriages as he can because his time is running out. But glory to the one and only true God that reigns over my soul. I am believing, claiming, and trusting in him for my situation. I will continue to pray without ceasing. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ over my entire situation and over those who are going through similar situations. God gets all the glory and honor in this whole situation. I am praying for everyone.

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Tom March 18, 2014 at 2:22 pm

Right on! If we let the devil destroy our marriages, what will our children believe? They surely won’t believe that God is a God of love, of forgiveness, of impossibilities. Otherwise He wouldn’t have taken away their mommy or their daddy. They are left with broken hearts and a broken view of God. It is a proven fact that children’s view of God is directly related to their view of their earthly father. We are God’s hands and feet. We are God’s voice to our children. The devil wants to break the chain so that our children won’t carry the message of Christ to future generations. That’s his single purpose. This battle is so much bigger than our current circumstances. It’s a battle for souls. Selah.

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Alex March 12, 2014 at 12:54 am

Hello,

I have only been married for about 3 1/2 years. I love my husband, but it has been difficult the whole time we have been married. I found out that my husband was having phone sex with someone he met before we were married early on (less than a year in our marriage), which would explain why we were not intimate for the first 6 months of marriage. I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry of course, but I just have not seen any action to see that he is sorry. I am always finding out about something new…like he is calling some company for phone sex and we have to pay like 300 dollars or more sometimes (which we cannot afford), etc. Before we were married, I knew he had had a problem with pornography and when I asked him if he had dealt with it, he said it was over. And I didn’t want to know everything, but somehow I knew there was more…he told me that he had sexually abused a child when he was in high school. I feel like I’ve forgiven him, but that comes up in my mind all the time and I have a lot of difficulty with it…I just don’t know if I want him around our kids (we do not have any yet) if he has some type of problem like this still. I was really depressed…when I told him about it, he did nothing, said nothing…We are getting individual counseling now after some marriage counseling, but it is mostly because I told him that he needed to do something because nothing was okay. I would separate, but cannot afford it right now.
I’m still just confused, there are so many lies he tells and I don’t trust him anymore…I prayed over this marriage, really thought that I was doing what God wanted me to do…and now still feel betrayed by not just my husband, but by God. I know that sounds bad, but I just haven’t seen any hard evidence of men treating women well/ loving them the way they should be loved. I have also have not had much community since we moved away from my home (not from lack of trying). I have talked to people, but it just seems to do more harm to me and they don’t really want to listen, but just tell me what they think and that God hates divorce. I don’t really want a divorce, but I haven’t seen anything that shows remorse except for words…how long do I have to live with this pain and this constant sin of his? I’ve cried out to God, but just can’t see past this. I want to trust God, but it’s hard to and has been.

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Jack Wellman March 12, 2014 at 9:12 am

Thank you Alex for your comment and problems. I am glad you don’t want a divorce. That is great. How long do you have to live with this pain and constant sin? We all sin. None of us are without sin. You said that you feel betrayed but we all have betrayed God at one time or another yet He loved us and died for us while we were still sinners and His natural enemies (Rom 5:8). I am glad you are getting counseling. You don’t have any evidence of men treating women well and loving them as they should be you said. In the church, from the power of the Holy Spirit, there are thousands of men who are loving their wife as Christ loves the church and women who are doing the same for their husbands. All that you can do is obey God, see that you too are not perfect, pray for your husband to see his sin, and trust in God to work all things out. No one is promised happiness in this life. Don’t give up on this marriage. Does your husband love to hear the Word of God preached at his church? Is there evidence that he studies the Bible daily? Does he pray daily? If none of these are true, that may be the root of the problem for he may not be saved. Only God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1) so let us pray for that.

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Tom March 12, 2014 at 11:29 am

Alex,
Im heartbroken every time I hear stories like yours but I rejoice in husbands and wives who choose to stand for their marriage beyond all circumstances. Do you love your husband enough to stand beside him through the dark times in his life? This is where God’s character and commitment shines through in our lives. Your husband needs you. Would you leave him dying and stranded in a ditch on the side of the road? He needs your prayers, your commitment, your unconditional love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a one-sided affair. We forgive so that God may forgive us. To show unconditional, unwavering love. To model the way Jesus loves to a lost and dying world. Its a foreign concept to the “me” generation of today. We all want to be Happy, Happy, Happy. But the most beautiful rainbow always comes after the storm. According to Romans 5:3 “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” He needs you to stand in the gap. Just like Jesus does for us. Remember, God is witness to your marriage covenant and he will honor your faithfulness because He is always faithful. His Word declares “It is Done” and that includes the restoration of your Covenant Marriage. What a testimony you will have and what a joy it will be to hear from your Father “Well done good and faithful servant.” There is a great community of believers here that want to love and pray for you, but only God can change his heart. We just need to look to His Word, and His Word only, for guidance and wait on His perfect timing. Lets stand for those we love against the evil one and watch God work miracles.

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Rose March 12, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Hi Alex.
My husband confessed to me that he had sexually abused my daughter, his step daughter. The ripples this has on everyone he knows, we know, are massive.
The affects on my daughter, are huge. The police are scratching their heads as it is rare here for a man to confess this and willingly go to them to confess. He will probably face jail time, we will know in a few months.
Before he told me, God very clearly led me down a path where He told me, honour your husband!!!!
My husband and I now share real unity, but only because he is living in spirit and not in flesh. He hates anything sexual with a vengeance. There is now no pornography, no sexual thoughts about other woman… It’s not acceptable to god! it’s not acceptable to my husband.
I now have my husband completely, sexually, spiritually, emotionally.
PLEASE don’t have children to him at this stage. I’m not saying all men who watch pornography sexually abuse children. But, the enemy will use any gateway he can, and while men live in any type of lust. It opens the doors for it.
Pray, and pray and pray. For your marriage, for your husband. Never stop praying for your husband. As a wife, my scripture I live by right now is, 2 Cor 2:7-8. If things aren’t going right for him, I keep going back to the fact I’m not praying enough for him. And I’m not making him sure of my love for him.
This is where your character in God is tested and matured.
Romans 5:3-4
Lastly, keep fighting for what our God created. Man and woman, live aside from the world, not what the enemy wants.
Let no man separate what God has joined together!

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Alex March 14, 2014 at 1:11 am

Thank you everyone for your comments and your hearts. You are very encouraging and hearing truth is very important for me because it is hard for me to see past the lies that have been told to me and that I have told myself. My husband has been dealing with his addiction since he was in 8th grade and I know that no person will ever be perfect. I know that God can redeem, but of course I easily doubt that any of this will get better. I do not see that my husband is in the word at all. The fact that he is getting counseling is a very big step and I’m thankful. I would never willingly bring in children into the situation Rose, but thank you for mentioning that. I too, was abused as a child by my own father who never did confess or apologize. (I will pray over your family now). I know that my husband is definitely not my father, but of course because my husband is the one man I ever gave myself to and trusted…I am broken because he broke our vows and continues to now.
My husband has not come to me with his sin, but I asked God to show me what was going on early on and He did. I knew something was very wrong for a number of reasons as soon as we were married (no physical relations, etc…still the case). I confronted him and backed off, but he has never confessed on his own. I am willing to wait for my husband, forgive him, and stand with him, but I am very weak myself now with no supportive believers other than my counselor. I want to hope, I want to believe that God will redeem…I’m just wondering if separation is best for a time because at some point I need to be able to look past this and be able to find freedom from this sin. It has effected everything…I’m trying to choose to not let it consume me. I have actually had suicidal thoughts which is one of the reasons I am getting counseling and I believe I am past these thoughts now…never had a plan or anything; I was shocked I would even have any of these kind of thoughts!
Tom, you are right, forgiveness is a one-sided affair. I am learning that daily. Forgiving my husband is part of what teaches me more about how Christ feels when we sin against Him. I know I am imperfect and need to keep learning how to forgive again and again. I do not want to leave him stranded, but he has also refused my help, so I have been praying and waiting.
Jack, I believed my husband was saved because of his words and he probably is; however, his actions show a man who is not following God. I, of course, would love happiness, but know we are not promised it in the way that we always desire. I am not expecting my husband to be perfect. I do want to obey God. I’m mainly just wondering if separation would be a good thing for us both. I ask for a few reasons. As I mentioned earlier, my husband is consistently spending money on what I mentioned…it costs us hundreds of dollars sometimes and overdraft fees; you get the drift. He is also abusing alcohol on a regular basis. I have done everything in my power to help him and talk to him, but he has refused and refuses me at different levels. He is going to individual counseling (he just started, so that is great!) I can forgive and will continue to…I want to honor him even when he isn’t honorable. I’m just wondering if we can both be healthy living together right now? I prayed that God would get to Him because I can’t…I will pray for God to change his heart as you mentioned.

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Rose March 14, 2014 at 6:39 am

Alex,
You’re doing amazing!
The thing I struggle with, as you mentioned too, is feeling alone in HOPE. I feel like my faith had to be “bigger” than those around me. Because all I hear is “your daughter can’t be restored, only rebuilt”. But I know my God is limitless! He can restore what has been taken or broken!
Find comfort in your weakness, because ONLY in your weakness can CHRIST bring in his strength.
I’m lifting you up, sister! Stand firm. Ask God for your scriptures and stand firm!
Let no man separate what God has joined together!
Your mate is made holy by having you as a spouse!
This IS the day that The Lord has made!
I’m praying God will speak directly into your husbands soul!
You are wonderfully and fearfully made!
It lifts my spirit to hear you say you want to honour your husband, even when his actions don’t deserve it… Do we ever deserve anything? Lol
Stand firm and be encouraged! Because YOU are encouraging ME!

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Alex April 2, 2014 at 4:44 pm

Rose,

I will be praying for you and your family still. Your daughter will never be the same, but she can heal and may need to be separated from your daughter of course and she will definitely need your protection as a mother. You are right that God is limitless and I’m so glad to hear that your husband actually confessed because that is a rarity and shows that he is repentant. Thank you for your encouragement!

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Alex April 2, 2014 at 4:46 pm

I meant to say separated from your husband, sorry.

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Betsey March 17, 2014 at 12:53 am

Will try to keep this simple. I’ve been married for 13 years. For the past year I’ve been having an affair. It started as an emotional one but has become physical about 6 times. I care very deeply for this man but I want to end it because I know how wrong it is. I’ve tried to use my husband’s “lack of attention” towards me as an excuse to validate my sin but I know im in the wrong and I truly am sorry. My question is this: do I have to confess this sin to my husband in order for God to forgive me im I truly am sorry and I never do it again? And, do you think I should tell him? I don’t know what to do….please help :”(

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Jack Wellman March 17, 2014 at 9:34 am

Betsey, thank you for your comment and open honesty here. The first thing I usually recommend to married couples experiencing difficulty is to speak with your own pastor first. That should be done right away too. I think this is a decision that you must make. I can see that you are truly sorry. You said that “I’ve tried to end it because you know how wrong it is.” Has this relationship ended? Unless it has ended, you have not really repented of this. If you have finally ended this relationship then that is good. You don’t need for your husband to forgive you to have God forgive you also but in your case, there is risk that your husband might be so hurt he wants out of this marriage. On the other hand, you know him better than I do, he might accept it and be willing to forgive you. This is why you should pray about this and personally, I would tell him but that is a decision that you must make and again, I would talk to your pastor as well.

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Crystal Knecht March 18, 2014 at 12:41 am

Over the course of our 8 year marriage, there have been times I have suspected my husband was fooling around. I did find out he was using a lot of computer porn and talking to women on the internet, but never anything in person that I knew of. He promised to quit the porn, and talking to other women.

I found out two weeks ago that my husband had an affair for 15 months. It ended in 2012, but they have had contact on Facebook. He did not want to admit it, and it took a flat-out presentation of proof before he would quit lying. Then it was him saying he would do anything and everything to keep our marriage.
Only I don’t believe him, because his pattern is to tell me what I want to hear, then never deliver. So, I asked him to do several things for me: go to individual counseling, couples counseling, get involved with a men’s group at church, bible study, depression meds, a parenting class, to keep the job he just started for a minimum of 18 months(he is a serial job hopper/job quitter). It has only been a week since I set the rules in place and he is already starting to slide or not follow through. I look at this as not being truly repentant and I am ready to call a lawyer.
I love him, and I love Jesus more. I don’t want to get a divorce, I still love my husband, but I can’t stand him. I don’t want to go against what God would have me do. How long do I tough it out? What kind of progress do I need to see? What is reasonable?

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Jack Wellman March 18, 2014 at 11:55 am

I am so sorry Crystal for your husband’s infidelity and adultery in your marriage. I liked that he wanted to keep your marriage going but he does not show evidence of a regenerated heart…that is…he doesn’t sound saved. I am glad you are asking him to do certain things and in the case of a person not being saved, only the Holy Spirit can change a human heart (Prov 21:1) but it appears he doesn’t want to. If he is failing to go through with counseling and you see his continual affairs and porn and women Internet chatting then you tell him that you are done with the very next time as you will have sufficient grounds for divorce. I pray that this doesn’t happen but his cheating appears to be going on continually and he fakes any real repentance as you can see he feels guilty I think for getting caught and guilt and repentance (a change of direction and heart) are not the same thing. Tell him this is his last chance, you want to save this marriage, but you can see he is not serious about repenting and seeking and getting help, and you have bent over backwards in trying to save this marriage. Tell him one last time and you have no reason to not file!

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Tom March 21, 2014 at 12:04 am

Crystal,

OK, so Jack and I disagree a bit here but for what it’s worth, here’s my view. Only God knows a man’s heart. Maybe your husband is sorry, maybe not.  But I believe that you should stand beside him “for better or for worse, till death do you part” It’s our greatest expression of love and forgiveness. What reward is there in only loving those who love us? Is that not what the Bible says? But it’s so difficult because our spouses can hurt us the most. Deep, painful hurts that Noone else can subject us to. But as God proved his love to us by sending Christ to die for us while we were sinners, I believe we should do the same for those we love.  Prayer and fasting are your best weapons. God is bigger. God does restore.  And when your husband “comes to his senses” he will thank you for not giving up on him.  And thru it all, he will see God’s love in you. It could take days, it could takes years, but God is faithful and through him you are able to be who He has called you to be and to stand for your family.

In love
Tom

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Stephen March 18, 2014 at 3:43 pm

Hi all

Ive been going through a tuff time for the last 4 years , I married 5 years ago but we split up 8 months later , basically I married my wife mother in law and father in law when we split my wife was pregnant at the time 3 months things got messy our pastor at the time was involved he tried his best but had to pull away when solicitors got involved however he kept supporting me through it , my child was born and I wasent allowed in the hospital to see her she hadent even got my surname I’ve tried hard to rekindle this marriage with no help from my wife my pastor says after 4 years I should move on he says as long as the mother in law is involved I haven’t got a chance I’ve had to go to court to get access to see my daughter our house has been repossed and none of my family have ever seen my daughter their has been some nasty things happen to my family which I believe to be with my in laws their born again Christians and I’m not judging but I find it hard to see I’ve prayed for 4 years there’s been no other person in my life and I think my wife also I’m really tired of all of this now I used to want to stand for my marriage but now I’m not sure any advice would be helpful

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Jack Wellman March 18, 2014 at 4:20 pm

Wow Stephen…I am so sorry for such heartache my friend. What devastation wrecked marriages can to do families, children, and individuals (like you). I agree, and no you are not judging your in laws but Christians do not typically do such things and Jesus said that you would know them (with certainty) by their love for one another and by their fruits and I see hardly any of either in these folks, yet they will have to stand to give an account and may not actually be converted (Matt 7:21-23) so pray for them because they face a terrible time ahead if they are not (Rev 20:11-15) and it sounds like you are. There is nothing more important, next to family on earth, than a person’s eternal state and where they spend all eternity. They will regret this some day doing this to you so hard as it is, pray for your enemies (i.e. in laws) for their salvation or if they are saved, that they repent, for one way or the other they will regret this. It may be time to move on since its been 4 years and you have at least tried to save your marriage. I commend you for that sir.

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billy wright March 20, 2014 at 9:50 pm

well I have to say GOD is really moving his hands in my situation. My wife is still planning to move out but I have prayed for GOD to cancel that assignment. Today she asked me why don’t I let her go because every man she has been with has cheated on her and hurt her. I told her I was very apologetic and that I loved her and wanted my wife home with me where she belongs. She said she has forgiven me but is still holding on to the hurt. I told her I have made some mistakes in our marriage but our vows were for better or for worse. I told her I made a promise to GOD and to her, so I am not walking away. She says life is to short for hurt. So I said I am her husband and am still here for her. I will not allow the enemy to take my marriage. I pray daily and fast as much as I can. I am a truth faith believe in my GOD. I have asked him to give me my wife back, bring her home where she belongs. The bible says we have not because we ask not. I am asking for the prayers of the righteous to continue to pray for me and my wife and our marriage as well.i say to all who are going through the same thing I am praying for you as well. We must no longer to allow the enemy to come in and disrupt our marriages. I bind the enemy for anything or anyone that he may you to come against all marriages around the world in the powerful name of Jesus Christ!!!!!

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Jack Wellman March 20, 2014 at 10:04 pm

I will be on my face on your behalf Billy. The more we see you going thru the closer I get to you in caring for you as a brother, not just in Christ, but in one who is dear to me friend for you have been an encouragement to so many here.

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Tom March 20, 2014 at 11:58 pm

Agreed. Friend indeed. I’m praying everyday for you guys as well as the others on this blog. These stories have allowed me to see how much hurt is going on with so many couples. That I am not alone and I have something to give. And this is just one site. There is a real need for prayer warriors. God bless you guys.

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Tina March 23, 2014 at 3:11 am

I have been a marriage for 16 years im the adulrty in my marriage and also my husband have to both have broken our marriagr valls several times but here lately im recently cheated on my husband and now i found out im pregnant i dont know if its my husband or my the guy i cheated with itbwas a ongoing sexual relationship tht all but my husband will not forgive me i have forgiving him many of times in the past. I understand tht it because i got pregnant . We also go to church and try to live a save life but we also not living to gods standing. I think tht this marraige can survive im now in the church more and fasting and praying more then ever i dont want to lose my marriage. I dont want anymore parts in adultry anymore ive prayed and repented god has forgiving me and im set free for immorality and sexual addiction .please pray tht god keeps this family together.

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Jack Wellman March 23, 2014 at 1:31 pm

Hello Tina and thank you for such open honesty. You said that you have forgiven your husband many times. Was it for adultery too? Whoever you cheated with you must be certain to not have any more contact with him ever again. It may not be too late to save this marriage but you must pray hard and fast too, is what I would recommend. Love your husband like never before, put this all in God’s sovereign hands and make sure you have cut off this relationship with this man or has it been with more than one man, stop and never do this again unless you don’t want to save this marriage. I pray that God helps keep this together.

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Danielle March 27, 2014 at 8:53 am

Right now I don’t know what my marriage is. My husband struggles with drug abuse. A fate and situation that I grew up with and never wanted my children to be subjected to. We have been counseling with our pastor and he is living one foot in and one foot out as my pastor says. My husband has the capability of being the most loving, amazing men, but all that is being tarnished by his lies, secrets, drug abuse, and emotional abuse of the children and I. I’ve been trying my hardest to fix this. Biting my tongue, but still holding him accountable. Going to counseling in which he will do none of the things the pastor suggests with me. My pastor always says divorce is not an option. I am physically disabled and this stress (constant) is weakening me. I have progressed exponentially in the past year. I am at a loss what to do, he was messed up yesterday and then did not go to work today. I’m losing site of any options we have left. Please help lead me.

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Jack Wellman March 27, 2014 at 10:08 am

Hello Danielle. I am so sorry for what you and your children are going thru at present. Of course your pastor is right that this is not grounds for divorce and counseling apparently has not worked. I fear that this man is not saved. Husbands can only be so good without the Holy Spirit so I recommend that you and your children too, all pray for him to be convicted of his sins, to see his own desperate need for the Savior and for God to send him the Holy Spirit and to repent and put his trust in Christ. God alone can change a human heart (Prov 21:1) and this is what we need to pray for because without the Spirit, it is next to impossible for him to change and he can be a good husband and father for only so long, in his own human strength, but with the Holy Spirit, he can truly be come a new creature in Christ. Let’s pray for this right away and anyone else that reads this. Otherwise, he faces a terrible eternity (Rev 20:11-15). Don’t think as much about you and your children’s present state because it sounds like you believe in Christ…but think and pray for your husband who could be lost for all time.

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Tom March 27, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Amen. I’m praying for you guys. God will be faithful to you and your children. Not only can He change your husbands heart but He can also wipe away any of the hurt that’s been done to you and the kids. Get your kids praying to, pray together, pray out loud. Let you husband know that you (and your kids) love him unconditionally and that you have chosen to stand and fight for him. Love heals, hate kills. The devil wants to steal him from you (and God). Are we gonna let the devil win? He’ll no!

Tom

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Danielle March 27, 2014 at 3:05 pm

Jack and Tom thank you for your kind words. The Holy Spirit has latched onto my husband. One day I literally could here the breaking of his bonds or one the many that encases him. As the elders and my pastor prayed over him I felt the breaking and release and for a time, we were leading the lives Christ wants us to. That was short lived. As to my comment of he lives one foot in and one foot out as we all know is not possible. We either lead a Christ filled life or we do not. My children and I all pray together, outloud, for my husband. He knows this. I let him know that I am fighting for him, but he has to try and fight back the enemy with me. He know the enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy and what better way than to break up families. I am want and need my marriage to work. As I too do not believe in divorce, but what am I to do? Counseling is not working and now he does not want my pastor around at all. Says he doesn’t need another person giving him a lashing. Problem is he loves and respects our pastor and for him to hold him accountable for his actions is overwhelming to my husband. My children and I are all suffering. My youngest is in counseling at four years old because of issues of anger and rage. It is spilling over onto them and it continues with no break. I may soon need to ask him to seperate until he will get some help with me and for himself before this toxic overhaul stops. I as a mother need to protect my children. He may not be physically abusing us, but the emotional is leaving far deeper scars. I would rather be beat that abused emotionally. I pray and pray for my husband, our children, our family.

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mel March 27, 2014 at 3:21 pm

Danielle I’d encourage you to read this book. “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope”.
Even though it appears that my marriage is going to end in divorce due to my husband’s hardened heart, this book will give you some guidelines and suggestions on how to make a marriage work when there is emotional/mental abuse. Saying a prayer for you right now.

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rae April 2, 2014 at 11:29 am

where in the bible does it say a wife has to live with/ stay married to a man who becomes mentally ill and no longer cares for himself or her? abuses her, his children? Why is a woman penalized to live with out love/support/intimacy because her husband changes and Drs say this is a permanent thing?
I am a child of an abusive father, my mother stayed as her “christian duty” and the results were horrible! My mom left once and he said all the things she wanted to hear and took him back, he continued to beat her and treat her like garbage, also he was sleeping with other women. I have lived through what abuse does to children, and seen what it did to my mother. I am asking that you please re think what YOU and other MEN think God is saying. Yes he can heal broken things, but i would have been happier as a child of divorce then a child of abuse!(my father at 67 is still abusive to my mother)
I married my hubby he was fine, healthy and mentally sound. After transplants and lots of medications, he is now brain damaged. He is not the same man, when he hits our daughter and leaves marks, he is justified.(in his mind) When he throws stuff at me/mistreats/threatens divorce he is justified.(in his mind) When he breaks his step daughters stuff, threatens to kick her out, belittles her, threat to take away her medical coverage he is justified.(in his mind) So you would tell me i have no right to a better life because i married a man who changed?

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Jack Wellman April 2, 2014 at 11:55 am

Rae, I am not saying you have no rights here… you should turn this man into the police for no woman should endure such violence. I would immediately leave this man and find another place or get a restraining order for him. Have you spoken with your own pastor over this? What did he say? There is nothing in the Bible which prevents you from leaving this man right away and to do so protecting your daughter. This is criminal. He needs jail time for abusing a child and you too. This man is not saved. He is going to face the wrath of God someday (Rev 20:11-15) and so it will be for all eternity that he pays for this. Let us pray for his soul for he is presently headed for hell. If you and your daughter are saved, you will have a wonderful eternity. Again I suggest you call the police, move out or get him to get out and go to jail for that is what he deserves and it is actually obedience to God to turn in criminals (Rom 13) and then talk to your pastor.

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Theresa April 8, 2014 at 9:23 am

I have a question about this, I got married when I was 23 the man I married 2 months later arm robbed a gas station out of the blue while I was sleeping an went to prison for 10 years, I woke to the cops taking my husband, my car, and I ha to move out of our apartment because in the complex we lived in you can not have that kind if thing happen. Anyway about a month later a guy friend of mine was there for me in such a difficult time well needless to say he got me pregnant he was also married living with his spouse. With everything going on I moved out of state and at this point ha not divorced my husband, a year after my son was born I moved back and tracked the father down because I knew it was not fair to my son, well his wife left him when the DNA tests came back they divorced, then we got together and had another child I was still married to my husband in prison at the time, after the second child I had I divorced my husband ad then had another son with the man I had my other two sons with, we got married 3 months after our 3rd son was born and are still married today, was all of this sinning on my part after him going to prison and if so how do I make it right with God?

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Jack Wellman April 8, 2014 at 9:59 am

Hello Theresa and thank you for your comment and question. We know that God hates divorce but He does not hate divorced people. There is no sin that God cannot or will not forgive except that of rejecting Jesus as Savior. If you have repented of these sins, and put your trust in Christ, then you can be saved. I would find a local pastor and talk to him and tell him your story and join a Bible-believing, Christ-elevating church that preaches the gospel of sin, repentance, and confession and then you can be saved (if you are not already). No sin is unforgivable except refusing to repent, confess your sins, and trusting in Christ. Do this today and you will be forgiven (1 John 1:8, 2 Cor 5:21).

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Theresa April 8, 2014 at 10:19 am

Thank you so much for your response!! What a great thing your doing! One more question I was saved when I was about 13 and I understood what I was doing and I do believe that Jesus is my lord and savior but after sinning so many times do I need to be resaved re baptized?

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Jack Wellman April 8, 2014 at 10:29 am

Theresa…thanks for your response. Since baptism does not save us but Jesus alone does, I don’t think getting re-baptized is the thing but I would find a good church home if you don’t already have one because there are no lone ranger Christians to be found in the New Testament church and we are part of the Body of Christ, many members…and no detached body parts can be properly fed by a pastor or teacher. Ephesians 4:4-5 says “There is one body, and one Spirit, even as you are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.” One baptism is enough. There is no such thing in the Bible as being “resaved.” I pray this helps you.

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paul April 13, 2014 at 4:16 am

I found out my wife was having affairs 3 years ago….we/i have tried to work it out,i know That The Lord in the midst of Thee is mighty to save, however i was given a Scripture a while ago about this thing destroying me emotionally and spiritually, continually as she is still doing this and it breaks my heart . So am praying that God will give me his strength and grace to move forward, and also to financially to provide so i can move away, to flatten mountains that i see are in the way…to go to a place far away from this pain to be healed from this destruction and emotional turmoil….

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Jack Wellman April 13, 2014 at 10:19 am

Thank you Paul for your comment. I don’t believe that Micah 2:10 is talking about a married man leaving his wife but about the prophet denouncing a wo against the plotters of wickedness, the covetous and the oppressor, Micah 2:1, Micah 2:2. God is represented as devising their ruin, Micah 2:3. An Israelite is then introduced as a mourner, personating his people, and lamenting their fate, Micah 2:4. Their total expulsion is now threatened on account of their very numerous offenses, Micah 2:5-10. Great infatuation of the people in favor of those pretenders to Divine inspiration who prophesied to them peace and plenty, Micah 2:11. The chapter concludes with a gracious promise of the restoration of the posterity of Jacob from captivity; possibly alluding to their deliverance from the Chaldean yoke, an event which was about two hundred years in futurity at the delivery of this prophecy, Micah 2:12, Micah 2:13. So this was specific to Israel and not men or women going through marital problems or allowing them to leaven their spouse because an affair. I do believe if your wife was continually going thru an affair and refused to repent and stop by now then you have grounds for divorce. Was this affair 3 years ago the only occurrence? Is it over now? Can you not forgive her? You said you “given a Scripture about a year ago.” By whom? You are using this Scripture out of the context of your situation so please sir, don’t divorce because this appears to give you grounds as it has nothing to do with this at all sir.

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paul April 13, 2014 at 4:23 am

found the scripture

Micah chp 2 vs 10

Arise ye and depart for this is not your rest; because it is polluted, it shall destroy you, even with a sore destruction.

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paul April 14, 2014 at 11:50 am

thanks for your reply, the Scripture was given i believe by God as i could see the results of her continueos contact with one of the people that she had an affair with which of course she denined until i confronted her with evidence (which was yahoo instant message chats and facebook chats as well as skype chats) i printed them all off and then she couldnt deny it…..this was 18 months after she said the affairs were over…clearly they were not….i had forgiven her, even chose to trust her again but i then found out about all this and it felt like no matter what i did,,,tried to work on my marriage again that she was saying to me its over…then i found all the above stuff and i was gutted….thats when i was reading the bible after asking god for advice and that scripture seemed to fit the sitiuation

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Jack Wellman April 14, 2014 at 12:04 pm

I do hope that you can save your marriage my friend. Has she stopped by now Paul? Has she repented and asked for forgiveness? I pray she has. Please know that I am so sorry and will pray for you both sir that God will save this marriage but as you know, if she is continuing to be unfaithful and shows no remorse and no repentance, then assuredly, you do have biblical grounds for divorce. Please let us know what else, besides praying for you, that we might be able to do sir?

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paul April 15, 2014 at 9:20 am

Hi Jack thanks for your reply, yes as far as i know she has stopped but her behavior at times makes me doubt…i mean the other day i was taking some photos of her on her phone for her to upload to Facebook and wanted to see what they were like. When i tried to look at them she just grabbed her phone and would only let me look at the photos with her beside me…could be nothing, its just the way she grabbed it from me when i just wanted to see if the photos were okay that made me suspicious as she had something to hide, otherwise why would she act in such a way?; so i really don’t know if she was stopped or not. She says that she has but actions do really speak louder than words, so i will continue to trust her as much as i am able to. I appreciate your prayers and would be grateful for you to pray that the Lord will bless me with a stable job as i have had temp jobs in the last 3 years and need a perm/stable job, and to also know the Lord in a more real way. Thank you Jack

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Jack Wellman April 15, 2014 at 9:33 am

I will do as you ask Paul. I can say that I have sometimes not responded properly and have made many mistakes in my counsel on this article but your attitude her gives me hope my friend and I will pray for God to bless you in a permanent and stable job and for His glory in the answer to our prayers my brother. Thank you and I am glad you are trusting God in your marriage, even among the doubts that persist. I wish we had more godly men like you who are not ready to divorce at the drop of a hat.

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paul April 16, 2014 at 4:32 am

Thanks Jack, i appreciate your prayers and encouragement, i will keep you updated. Bless you

paul April 16, 2014 at 5:11 am

Just wanted to add that God looks at the heart and when i think about King David who was a man after Gods own heart, and the prophet Elijah, Peter and all the other great biblical figures made mistakes but look how mightily they were used by God. God looks at our heart, our motivation and i can see that your heart and motivation is to help others and to obey God, thats what counts and that is what God sees. When i think about legacy and what legacy i will leave behind i want it to be an eternal legacy one that stands the test of time. When i look at the legacy that Jesus left when he died on the cross, Abraham when he died having only one son after God had told him his descendants would be more than all the sand on the seashore or the stars in the heavens, yet his descendants became the nation of Israel. Real success in my eyes is doing what God asks of me and obeying what i know to be right, and yes suffering at times i guess thats being in a fallen world, and yet despite being in a fallen world i can still see God in many things. Life can be very hard at times and we are thrown some curved balls at times but i believe that God does change us through suffering and hardship. Hardship and suffering is always very painful but the end result is what counts. At church on Sunday the sermon was about Job and all the suffering he went through, man its not what i wanted to hear but it was needed. God allows things to happen for a reason, don’t always understand why but i guess thats where trust comes in. Anyways thanks Jack. I will keep you updated.

Jessi April 14, 2014 at 4:09 pm

I’m currently married. We are both young but we were in love at one point. Recently everything has just blown up he have everything but unity in my home. He doesn’t understand how much his parents affect our marriage and it’s going to dust. He works so much and his days off, they want his there with them. I never have him for myself and our son. He doesn’t spend time with his wife, me,and our son. Just his parents. I don’t know how much longer i can take it. I’m always second. In the bible it says GOD, Family. Parents in that order. His parents don’t help nor do they back off. I want out of this marriage but have no grounds for divorce. What should I do?

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mels April 14, 2014 at 4:51 pm

Jessi, I know your pain all too well. My ex put his parents first constantly in our marriage. When I tried multiple times to talk to him about it, he started lying to me about how much contact he had with them.
I encourage anyone who is dealing with the feeling that things are just not quite right in their marriage to read this book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope”. It helped me tremendously with figuring out what was wrong and why.

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Jack Wellman April 14, 2014 at 5:35 pm

Hello Jessi. Sometimes the most honoring response is to diplomatically but firmly say, “No!” to inlaws who are interfering in marriages. Letting in-laws split, manipulate, or control you by silently acceding to their nutty, neurotic, inappropriate demands isn’t necessarily showing Christian love. In-law conflicts grow more complicated when a spouse seems to side with his or her parents and against his or her mate. The mate may rightly feel outnumbered or “ganged up on.”This isn’t so much an in-law problem as a marital one. If one spouse remains too dependent upon his or her parents, that needs to be addressed in a straightforward way. If one spouse is blaming the in-laws for a disagreement the couple is experiencing, that should be dealt with, too. I would talk to your pastor and tell your husband that you want him to go with you. I would also say that many couples divorce because in-laws interfere. When God married Adam and Eve he told the man that “a man should leave his father and mother and the two shall become one…” and that means one new family. Ask your husband that unless something changes then he is risking this family and may be allowing his parents to split this family of yours up and they will be responsible. Family is the first earthly priority for a man and a woman…in-laws are not part of this new family although they are related but interfering is sin in their case. The first marriage shows that they are to LEAVE their father and mother and be joined together to become one and that one has no room for 3 or 4.

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Anonymous416 April 15, 2014 at 2:47 pm

Dear friends,
I am deeply and most humbly reaching to you for prayer and support. I and my wife are 42 yr old and recently married in Aug 2013. Our dating for the 1.5 yr prior to marriage was tumultuous yet I felt God at every turn encouraging me to stick it out with this woman. She is in the country illegally and been here for 20 yrs on work permits. She owns her home and for the most part is a good woman however both prior and even more so sense our marriage she has exhibited strong displays of Narcissism and personality disorders. She kicked me out her house a week after our marriage and has yet to truly accept any of her actions or words as hurtful or damaging to our marriage. We have been separated since; with only 3 brief 2-wk long reconciliations. I am not innocent I do get verbally loud when she consistently puts money and other things ahead of our marriage; but she has continued with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. She has managed to lie to everyone we know and segregated me from my friends and family and church. She has gone so far as to make false accusations of physical abuse, theft and even rape. Though no legal action has been sought her claims to friends and church family has had its effect. She refuses to acknowledge or talk to anyone about her issues and I am quickly draining all my financial resources to seek counseling and psychotherapeutic remedies for my own depression and hurts as a result of all that has been said and done. I am always the one quick to forgive and try afresh; but she continues to live in the past (her own version of it). I am at a loss. I want help for my wife but God seems to be silent. I have become on thin ice with my job as a result and my efforts/desires of building a non-profit missionary effort for Christ has all but diminished. I want God’s peace but it seems beyond grasp. How do I endure? How do I have hope that God can and will restore my marriage to a woman whom I have loved even before I knew her? This is both of our first marriage.

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Jack Wellman April 16, 2014 at 11:52 am

Hello “Annoymous416” and thank you for your question and comment and once again, as I do, I recommend that you speak with your pastor right away. Don’t delay. Call him today. I am so glad you want God to restore your marriage as nothing is too difficult or hard for the Creator Who created the universe. I would ask God to send the Holy Spirit to her to convict this woman of her sin and if she is not saved, then to repent and trust in Christ since God is the evangelist and He alone can change a heart (Prov 21:1) and please remember that He even changed Saul (a murderer) to Paul a love of God and perhaps the most powerful missionary ever. As you also must know, I do not see any biblical grounds for divorce that I can see or from what you have told me but I will be praying and please talk to your local pastor too to see what he says and don’t delay and also remember that God loved us while were were still His enemies and died for us while we were still sinners deserving the wrath of God and Christ suffered like no one ever has and endured for our sake so like Job, you may have to suffer so perhaps you could even fast with your prayers.

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just me April 15, 2014 at 10:58 pm

Married to an inmate…got married while he was in jail…He is serving 18-life, keeps getting into trouble and lost our very vital visits. Feel like I am in an imaginary marriage. We are separated and I still do not want to disappoint God with another failed marriage (2 marriages).First one I had to leave because of abuse. I am 36 and my health is not good…I did a lot of the doing, financially etc. Help PLEASE, almost4yrs married! a year and a half of which we have been “separated pending divorce”…

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Jack Wellman April 16, 2014 at 11:30 am

Hello “Just Me” and thank you for your question and comment. As I normally first of all recommend, IJust as I asked her, I would ask God to send the Holy Spirit to him to convict him of his sin and if he is not saved, then to repent and trust in Christ since God is the evangelist and He alone can change a heart (Prov 21:1) and please remember that He even changed Saul (a murderer) to Paul a love of God and perhaps the most powerful missionary ever. You say y ou have a pending divorce? If you have a pending divorce, what help do you need since you have apparently made up your mind. I do not see any biblical grounds for divorce that I can see or from what you have told me. I will be praying and please talk to your local pastor too to see what he says and don’t delay.

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Michelle Williams April 15, 2014 at 11:46 pm

I’ve been married for 2 years, my husband is a fulltime drinker, can’t and won’t find a job, we go without food and ect alot because of this, we now have lost our home and had to move in with a family member, i pray about it more then i pary for my kids, i dont no what to do because he doesn’t want help or to talk about it, please tell me what should i do?

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Jack Wellman April 16, 2014 at 11:23 am

Thank you Michelle. I would always council to talk to your pastor first. Have you spoken to him yet? If so, what did he say? If not, I recommend you do so. Also, I would ask God to send the Holy Spirit to him to convict him of his sin and if he is not saved, then to repent and trust in Christ. Only God can change a heart (Prov 21:1) and He even changed Saul (a murderer) to Paul a love of God and perhaps the most powerful missionary ever. Are you still living with your husband as you are now staying at a family member’s home? Please let me know, I will be praying and please talk to your local pastor too to see what he says.

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Michelle Williams April 16, 2014 at 1:09 pm

Jack- Thank you for your warm words, Yes i have talked to our Pastor who is also my husband father, we pray together all the time, he say God will do his part and help but only he can make up his mind and stop drinking, we both and the children are staying with a family member because his father won’t and cant allow him to stay under his roof if he drinks, i thank god for my pastor and first lady because they busily take care of us and try to help us out with everything. But its hard to just sit back and watch our lives get worst,

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Jack Wellman April 16, 2014 at 1:16 pm

That is good to know Michelle…what a hard place you are in but safe one for you and your children’s sake. I am so very sorry for such a heartbreaking situation as this and must be for the chilldren too. I love how you called the pastor’s wife the first lady…that is precious. As a pastor, I’ll have to pass that on to my wife who is in the middle of a 1 & 1/2 year severe illness which is just not getting any better. I know it is hard to sit back and watch it deteriorate. I love Psalm 37 for it shows that we must trust in Him, rely on God, lean upon Him, wait for Him, and fully believe in His timing in all things. I will continue to pray for that is not the least we can do…but the very most as I am sure you and your pastor and wife are also do. These are the times when I fell absolutely the most helpless but know that God helps those who cannot help themselves.

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Michelle Williams April 16, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Jack- Thank you for your warm words, Yes i have talked to our Pastor who is also my husband father, we pray together all the time, he say God will do his part and help but only he can make up his mind and stop drinking, we both and the children are staying with a family member because his father won’t and cant allow him to stay under his roof if he drinks, i thank god for my pastor and first lady because they busily take care of us and try to help us out with everything. But its hard to just sit back and watch our lives get worst,

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Veryhurtwife April 17, 2014 at 11:39 am

I have been going through Hell for the past 20 months in my marriage. Sorry for using that word but nothing can be worse. Here’s my story:
My husband and I have been married 23 years as last month. He is also in the Army the whole 23 years. We have been separated because of his comment to the Army for about 11 years total through out our marriage. When I say separated I mean training field time, deployments, TDY, schools, and 5 deployments in 8 years since 9/11. Through it all I stood by his side as a wife should to her husband. I supported him and very proud of him for service. The truth is I love being an Army wife. It has been very testing in many different ways. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But I believe through it all God gave me this life for reason.
In 2005 while my husband was in training in a different state for a month he called me one night and told me he wanted a divorce and he will move out of the house when he got home. I was devastated had no clue why. I have question him some of his action that I believe he was having an affair. Later on about a year later I found out I was right and he was living with this women the whole time while he was away that month at training. She was even with him in the room when he asked for the divorce. It was not the first time he was with this women. He met her on a porn site which I found out later. Well we lived in NC at the time. So when he came home I sent the kids to his parents for a couple weeks so we could work out the separation and not expose them to adult issues they didn’t need to be around. This was going to be hard enough on them. In NC you have to be legally separated for a year before you can file for a divorce. Which I think it’s a wonderful law. Ten months later he was on a deployment and he IM me on Yahoo messenger that he wanted to get back together. Since the separation I found a church me and the kids got involved in and even put them in school there so they get a Christian education. They both except Jesus Christ as their Savior and was Baptized. I have asked Jesus Christ to be my savior when I was 13. I told him I have been praying about our marriage and handed it to God to show me what to do. Then he message me. I knew God wanted our marriage to work. I told him after his deployment he can come home but he had to go to church with us, go to counseling together and I would continue my individual counseling. He agreed to the terms. We went through two years of intensive counseling, going to church, Sunday school, and anything else we could serve the Lord through the church. I truly forgave him as God has forgiven me for my many sins I committed and he continues to forgive me for my sins. I truly gave my heart back to my husband as a wife should expecting it not to be shattered again. I thought we made it through the worst and our marriage was totally different so much stronger then ever. We were in a better place as God wanted us to be. So I thought.
Well this is where the Hell began. In October 2012 one morning he was acting weird before he left. He comes up stairs everyday to give me a kiss goodbye and tells me he loves me. He wasn’t himself. I came down stairs still trying to figure out what was going on this morning. He left his lap top open. I sat down and I found out why. He was having sex on Skype from some one on a porn site. I was devastated. I kept reading and this has been going on for awhile. Well he went into the field the next day for 3 days. I took that time and went through his computer. I couldn’t believe what I found. He had been having affairs (psychically, on Skype, through instant messenger). He is member of so many porn sites. He has over 13 thousand prom picture on his lap top and external hard drive. The stuff I found went all the way back to the year 2000. I know he had two affairs (well only admitted to two at the time of our reconciliation). I was so devastated, shatter, numb, I couldn’t believe what I was finding. Everything he said in counseling was a complete lie. He still lies to me to this day about it all even though I have psychical proof of everything. He told me don’t believe everything you read when I confronted him with everything. He just looked at me and said what do you want to do. I told him I need time to processes everything. I just found out our whole marriage has been a lie. He admitted he been doing all this since we got married in 1991. When the internet came out and got popular it just got worst because it was so easy to access what he wanted to.
I broke down and cried for like two weeks. I was so sick to my stomach. Lost 12 pounds in two weeks. I just kept praying God why? I don’t understand why he (my husband not God) is doing this to me. If I am not being a true wife to him please show me so I can be. Well six weeks later I started counseling by my self I didn’t know how to handle all of this. I was suicidal. I wanted the pain to end because I couldn’t take it anymore. ( I am bipolar so I suffer from deep depression in the past) After finding a counselor I found a new psychiatrist so I could get properly medicated for my bipolar and depression so I wouldn’t commit suicide. I believe God showed me a away to deal with my shatter heart and life I was facing. They really help me through the roughest times. Well during whole time my husband has not confess anything to me, got really mad at me for going through his computer, blamed it all on me, told me I was reading into everything that wasn’t there. He was and is so in denial. I never got an apology from him and no repentance. He still is continuing his actions. Always on porn sites, masturbates to women on Skype in the morning after crawling out of bed with me. He even finds women on Craigslist, found a e-mail that was very detailed on what he wanted to do to her in his truck down the road from where we live. He finds women on web sites like have an affair your spouse will not know, come and blank me your wife will never know, etc. I can’t even believe there are web sites out there like this.
I am still in counseling with a different counselor my first one after a year took another job. I don’t miss one appointment with my psychiatrist and take my meds all the time. But every day is a struggle for me. I have to go be tested for STD’s every 6 months now. I feel so ashamed, degraded, ugly, lonely, confuse, hurt, extreme anxiety, panic attacks, wondering what I did wrong as a wife to deserve this, don’t trust my self or any one else, believe there is no good out in the world. When I took my vows to him I meant them. When we said them at the alter in the church I grew up in I knew I would never get divorce. I don’t believe in divorce. But I can’t keep living like this. I have done everything I can to make this marriage work. I even joined a 12 step program for codependents of Sex addicts. It can’t hurt. It starts with a prayer “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change the Courage to chance the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Step 2 Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I pray the Serenity Prayer every morning, pray through out the day. I truly have tried it all to save my marriage but I can’t keep living like this. He isn’t even trying to change. He even told me I will even support you to get past this. He believes fix me and everything will be find. But it’s not fine. I am in extreme pain all the time, our sex life is getting worst. I don’t even excite him anymore. I feel he only has sex with me because he feels he has to. He does nothing to excite me, make me feel special and make sex as good as it suppose to be to a husband and wife. It is hard work to get him excited and when he does he will lose the excitement during intercourse. Which in return makes me feel so unwanted, ugly, degraded.
I am sorry this is so long but I needed to lay it all out so you can understand what I am truly going through. I have been considering divorce. I don’t know what else to do. I have been praying to God to show me what he wants me to do. I believe the Serenity prayer gave me the answer. I cannot change him , can only change me (which I am working on to make me a better Christian. I am sure not perfect. But I have never stray away from our marriage and had an affair. Even when we were legally separated I wasn’t with another man because we were still married ), and to know the difference. This decision to divorce does not come lightly. It comes with a heavy heart that I am disappointing God. I didn’t make it out of haste or emotions. It been 20 months since the discovery. I believe God has brought me to this web page for a reason. Please help. I don’t know what else to do but I need to get out of this. I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost myself through all of this, I have no self esteem, I have no self confidence, and I am isolating my self from the world because of the shame I feel. I don’t think God wants me to continue in this situation and with all the pain I am going through.
Just so you know our kids are grown. Daughter graduates in June from High School and our son is a junior in college. Thanks for your time and any advice you can give me.

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Jack Wellman April 17, 2014 at 11:54 am

Hello my friend. I am so very sorry. You have no choice but to divorce because this man is obviously not repentant and his history of ongoing adulterous affairs shows that he is not wanting to change. I know you have tried for many years to save this marriage and please believe that God hates divorce but He loves divorced people and this is not your fault and so God is not disappointed in you but in your husband and this other woman. I don’t know if he or that other woman is saved or not but I pray that they both repent of this sin and that he put his trust in Christ, otherwise it will not go well with him or that sexually immoral woman either someday (Rev 20:11-15) but for you, Jesus will say (Matt 25:21) “‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’” I am so sorry even so for you have to live thru this. I know that you have done all that you can do already and so continue to pray for a miracle for God can change even a pagan kings heart (Prov 21:1) and nothing is too hard for him so let’s not give up but you may still have no choice but to divorce.

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Veryhurtwife April 17, 2014 at 12:21 pm

Thank you Jack for your reply. It been many, many woman he has had sex with. Thanks for the reassurance and scripture. I haven’t taken any actions yet for divorce still praying for a miracle. I know God will show me when the time is. But I believe the time is not far off if he continues and doesn’t repent. I love him with all my heart and soul. That makes it so hard. Thanks for your support. I will keep you all updated on my situation.

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Jack Wellman April 17, 2014 at 12:57 pm

Thank you too my friend. I know that many Christian women would not have been patient-as-Job about this as you have and this shows me powerfully that you have the Holy Spirit of God and are striving greatly to please Him.

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Tom April 17, 2014 at 1:31 pm

Hi very hurt wife,

Thank you for your commitment to your husband and your marriage. I can’t even imagine what you have been through. If you love your husband, then stand in the gap for him and your marriage. Do not file for divorce, let him if he chooses. Pray unceasingly, look to God for peace and direction. The LORD will honor your commitment. Do not feel dirty or ashamed. You are a mighty woman of Valor, loved by the Lord your God and you are standing up for your husband against the devil himself. Your husband is not your enemy and His soul is worth the fight. This is true love. Unconditional, sacrificing love. Learn everything you can about how to pray, fast and spiritual warfare. And remember that the battle is the Lord’s. 2 Chronicles 20:17 “Fear not, take up your position, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you”.

God Bless you in your stand
Tom

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Shelly April 17, 2014 at 2:24 pm

Very hurt wife,

I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. I’m in disagreement with some of the responses you were given. Your situation definitely warrants a divorce. The questions you need to ask yourself is can you life with a man who willfully commits adultery over and over, denies it and still continues in it. I understand The Lord will and can change hearts . I know you love him but he shows you no regard. God implicitly tells us divorce is not a sin when someone commits adultery on us.

Praying for you!

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Veryhurtwife April 17, 2014 at 9:49 pm

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Today my husband text me to see if I wanted to meet him for lunch. So I went on post and meet him. After lunch I stop off at a Christian book store I have been wanting to go to. I bought a Bible “Celebrate Life recovery Bible”. In my codependency group on Facebook a member suggested it for me and there is a meeting just a few miles from me. She told me it restore her and her faith in God. It got her back on the right track. Anyways when I went to pay for the Bible the guy ask me if it was for me or someone else. I just broke down and started crying. I was crying so hard as I was talking I don’t know how they understood what I was saying. The other worker was a women and she was right there when I was checking out. She came over and held me, told me to cry it all out. That God is holding on to me and not to let go of God. I think it was a good 10 minute cry. I don’t know why I broke down but God knows why. It felt good to have her comfort me. Since we moved here a little over a year ago I have been meaning to find a church to attend and then I discovered all of what was going on with my husband. With the depression I had no strength to look for a church. I don’t even remember functioning from day to day. Well on Sunday I will be going to church with or with out him. I do miss going to hear the word of God, God’s people rejoicing because he is alive. I have contacted a divorce lawyer for advice and my rights I will meet with him on Tuesday morning. To make sure I am taken care of. I am not planning on filing for divorce on Tuesday or anytime soon. I want to make absolutely sure I am doing the right thing with God’s guidance. I am scared but I do know I can’t get out of this pain as long as we are married with out him stopping, asking for forgiveness, and repenting to make it all right. I don’t see that happening but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop praying for my marriage, my husband that he will take Jesus as his Lord and Savior and ask for forgiveness for his sins. It just means I can’t function like this any more. I do believe God is holding me right now to get me through minute by minute.
Tom I hear what you are saying but at the same time you put yourself in my shoes. You would be saying something different. I do believe couples get divorce over stupid stuff instead of sticking it out. We are not talking about one affair or two. We are talking about a hundred or more affairs over the past 23 years. The fact the number keeps going up. Is it right while I support my husband like God wants a wife to I have to worry about getting STD’s. Is it fair that every time he acts out it rips the hole in my heart bigger and bigger to the point you can’t function on a daily bases.
Well I just wanted to update you all what happen today. Thanks again for all your advice. Please keep praying for me and my husband. I can’t wait to start reading my new Bible. I am going to start tonight.

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Jack Wellman April 18, 2014 at 12:32 pm

I thank God for you oh woman of strong faith and your desire to save this marriage shows strong evidence to me that you are desiring and hungering to obey and please God. I will continue in prayer for you my friend and I am so proud to call you a sister in Christ who will receive a great reward from the Master….staying on my knees for you my friend.

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Jack Wellman April 16, 2014 at 7:25 am

Thanks Paul. Your comment is so honest and yet hopeful. I find it ironic to hear the sermon that you may be able to identify with. That show’s God’s sovereignty in all things.

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