Reasons for Divorce: What Does the Bible Say?

by Jack Wellman on October 29, 2011 · Print Print · Email Email

Are there acceptable reasons for getting a divorce?  What are not acceptable reasons for divorce?  What does the Bible say about divorce?  Are there biblical grounds for divorce?

Are There Acceptable Reasons For Getting a Divorce?

What are biblical reasons that are acceptable for divorce?  Some may reason that if there is violence in the family it is at least time to move out.  One reason to have a person separate themselves would be when a husband or wife is abusive to their spouse and also to their children.  There is no reason that a person should put up with this.  The first thing might be to move from that location and separate and hope that the abuser gets some counseling and help.  It is not lawful to abuse another person.  Sexual abuse of children is also against the law and should be reason to relocate immediately and the one doing the sexual abusing should be turned into the law.  No one should endure such abuse – God would not look down or think it sin if a person or a spouse’s children are being abused and they are removed from whoever is molesting the chiild.  They have every legal right to defend their children from this and to protect themselves and their children from this.

Marital infidelity, drug abuse, and non-support are also seriously considered for separating but since we know that God hates divorce, the person or couple should seek marital counseling (Malachi 2:16).  Of these, ongoing sexual immorality, that is divorce,  is a biblical reason.  Finding a good Christian counselor is a good first step.  As a former Mental Health Case Manager, I have seen the damage done to women and children – and even some men – and it destroys lives and the ability to trust again.  Some carry lifelong scars from things that occur in homes that are unspeakable.  You can forgive others but you can not ever undo something that leaves its mark for life.

Reasons For Divorce

What are the Reasons For Divorce?

What Are Not Acceptable Reasons For Divorce?

I have heard many reasons about people seeking and getting divorces – even among Christians.  The reasons are many but none of these are acceptable to God:

“I fell out of love with my wife/husband.”

“I just don’t have anything in common with her/him anymore”

“My husband/wife just doesn’t love me anymore.”

“This just can’t be God’s will for my life anymore.”

“We are incompatible.”

“He/she lied to me before we got married.”

“It wasn’t really genuine in ‘God’s eyes’”.

“They would be happier without me.”

“I would be happier without him/her.”

There are dozens more that are not listed here but none of these that are mentioned are acceptable and only those mentioned in the Bible are acceptable reasons for divorce.  This does not counting abuse or unrepentant, ongoing sexual immorality.  The Bible says it is sin to divorce unless you have biblical grounds for it, which will be mentioned at the bottom of this article.

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?

Clearly God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) because “What God has joined together, let man not separate . . . I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6, 9). Jesus said that, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12).  Being unequally yoked with unbelievers was mentioned prior to marriage but God is just as clear that divorce is not permissible just because one is not a believer and the other is not.

Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).  There are many such marriages where a spouse is a believer and married to an unbeliever but this is not grounds for divorce. In fact, the believing spouse may lead such a life as to bring the unbelieving spouse to faith in Christ.  First Corinthians chapter 7 is an excellent overview of marriage and sexual relationships for the single believer.  Here Paul lays down the command “for all churches” to continue living and being married to the unbeliever.  First Corinthians 7:17, 20 says, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”

If a husband or wife dies, then that person can remarry and not commit adultery, which is what Paul was specific about in I Corinthians 7:39, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” So the unbelieving spouse can remarry but it must be to a believer as to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  If a spouse is married to an unbeliever Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? ” (I Cor 7:12-14, 16). This is an amazing passage of Scripture.  Paul says that it is possible – in fact it has happened many times – that an unbelieving spouse comes to faith in Christ by the believing spouse.

Paul clarifies it by saying, “…if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace” (I Cor 7:15).

Are There Biblical Grounds For Divorce?

There are biblical grounds for getting a divorce and it is ongoing, unrepentant adultery.  Some believe if there is physical abuse against a spouse and physical or sexual abuse of the spouse’s children that is never resolved, they may divorce.  That is a person’s decision after they counsel with a pastor or Christian marriage counselor.  At the least they should move out immediately and report this to the police.

Sexual immorality or adultery that is unrepentant and ongoing is reasonable before God’s eyes for permitting a divorce.  Jesus said that, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife [and husband of course], except for sexual immorality, makes her [or him] the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt 5:37. 19:9). Adultery is breaking a serious commandment (Ex 20:14). But if the adultery and sexual immorality committed by the sinning spouse stops and they repent, then there should be every chance given to the person to forgive them (Mark 11:25, Luke 6:27-28).  God is all about forgiveness and we are told to forgive our brother or sister when they fall and want to be restored.

Divorce is a last resort but if there is no other choice and adultery persists with no signs of remorse, repentance, or change, then divorce is permitted.  God hates divorce but He would not expect a married person to remain married to a spouse that remains in an adulterous situation.  It is hoped that there is always room for repentance, counseling, and reconciliation – but if it doesn’t occur, and sexual sins outside of marriage persist, the victim of such a marriage is not bound by the law and God would not call that sin.

Do you have something you want to add on this topic? Please share it in the comments.

Sources

The Holy Bible, New International Version

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 



Share this post:  |  |  |  | Twitter

{ 2023 comments… read them below or add one }

JC August 30, 2014 at 10:49 pm

Please GOD in JESUS’ name Soften my wifes heart. I hurt her with words and am deeply sorry. Please JESUS help her to love me again.

Reply

Jack Wellman August 31, 2014 at 4:30 am

I will join with you in begging intervention on your behalf my friend. I am so sorry for such heartbreak.

Reply

Allie August 31, 2014 at 11:56 am

Hello Pastor Jack, I have continued to follow the posts and pray for myself and those on the site. I have a first and maybe final hearing for divorce with my husband on Tuesday. I am asking for prayer that I can accept God’s will but I continue to also pray for reconciliation. I have solicited the prayers of my pastor and church but it is such a challenge to “let go and let God”. Do you have any advice for me during this time of challenges?

Reply

Jack Wellman August 31, 2014 at 7:24 pm

Allie, how good to hear from you again> I love that you are praying to accept God’s will. Wow, that is precious my friend. I respect that of you so much. I don’t know how many other women could do what you do after going through what you have gone through. As for any advice in this time of challenge, I’d say to keep doing what you have been (solicit prayers and keep praying), maybe fast (if you don’t have any medical or physical complications), and I am going to join you too in this. I have been trying to fast on a regular basis and what more important of a reason is there than to petition (no, beg) God to save marriages….In the meantime, I want you to go slowly through Psalm 103, Psalm 90 (the only one that I know of written by Moses that I really love) and this article I wrote some time ago on Psalm 37 when we are waiting on God’s answer and His will to be revealed at this link based upon Psalm 37 at: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/christiancrier/2014/08/10/psalm-37-how-to-receive-the-desires-of-your-heart/ This is where the words of Psalm 37 are clear; wait, rest, trust, and know. Also, stay in the Bible regularly, (likely you already are). The Psalms may be your present help now. Praying on….

Reply

Allie August 31, 2014 at 9:58 pm

Thank you Pastor I have began to study the Scriptures you gave and they have blessed my heart and eased my mind of worry. These last few days have been difficult but I have to learn to trust God in all of this. I believe in my heart that God wants families to stick together and that marriage is the foundation for that. Fasting has been on my mind for several weeks and I would love to stand with you in prayer and fasting for families and marriage. Thank God for you and your work through this ministry as it gives hope to us that there are still people who believe in marriage.

Reply

Jack Wellman August 31, 2014 at 10:16 pm

Allie…your response is so precious to me. Oh, that God would grant you the strength to endure. We can stand in our trials but only on our knees. I find it interesting that you said something to me that made me cry….you thanked God for me. This is interesting because just when you commented, I finished an article that will be published on Patheos (Christian Crier) in Sept called “Top 7 Bible Verses on Thankfulness” and as I was writing the very last paragraph, you commented and here is what I wrote:

I Thank God for You

First Corinthians 1:4 “I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ.”

One of my favorite lines to help edify and encourage others is one that I give to my friends in both written form and to their face, verbally; “I thank God for you.” Here Paul is thanking God for those in the Corinthian church. Paul has a good habit of doing this. Imagine someone telling you: “I thank God for you.” What a feeling that is. I rarely hear that. Do we regularly thank God for our friends, our church members, our pastor, and anyone else that deserves our thanks? I thank God for all who read this because the vast majority of you are all my brothers and sisters in Christ.

So, let me thank God for you too my dear sister in Christ…for standing strong, fighting for marriage, and honoring God by trying to preserve what the Enemy wants to destroy. I do still believe in marriage, God does too, and I believe He is working through faithful, godly women like you! That is why I thank God for you and so many others who write and comment on this article. Let’s all fast (if we can) and pray for one another.

Reply

Allie September 1, 2014 at 6:19 am

Pastor Jack thank you so much! Now I am crying :), I know God will bless through this ministry…Thank you Pastor!

Angela September 19, 2014 at 8:03 am

Dear Allie,
I am standing and praying with you.
I feel your heart and Love for our Lord.
Cling to Him, for He is our Husband.
It says in His word ” for your maker is your Husband”
Run to Him for everything. There is a saying ” go to the throne not the phone” from Joyce Meyers. I always laught when I heard it, until one day it hit me.
He(The Lord) is the ONLY one that can change the situation so why bother telling or asking anyone else first.
You are right now where He wants you and you will be able to use all that is happening to you for His glory.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 is my life verse. He has a plan for you and I.
I am standing in the gap for my marriage. I was married 20 yrs and he filed for divorce.
I too said ” Your will be done” since giving it all over to Him I have that Peace that surpasses all understanding.
I do not want to step on anyone’s toes but I feel strong that you would be an Encouraging woman to other hurting woman out there.
I was given a web address when my journey began.
I am so grateful that someone passed it on to me.
I am an Encouraging woman to many and you can too.
https://sites.google.com/a/rmiewfellowship.org/encouraging-bookstore/home/hope-at-last
If God is for NO ONE can be against you.
He loves you so much. Run to Him.
~Angela

Reply

mel s August 31, 2014 at 10:19 pm

Allie,
My heart is hurting for you today. I pray for you daily. I’ve earnestly praying today that God will intercede and stop your divorce. I understand what you’re going through!

Reply

Allie September 1, 2014 at 6:31 am

Mel I have been thinking about you and praying for you and your family. Thank you for thinking enough of me to pray for my marriage. It is a blessing to have this community of believers standing when people physically around you want you to give up, but I believe in my heart that God will show his power in our situations not so we can get the glory but so that we’ll use our trials as testimonies to encourage and strengthen others. God bless you Mel, you have been a Christian sister to me in this season and I wish you all the joy God can bring you!

Reply

Christina August 31, 2014 at 4:41 pm

I have committed adultery and my husband has bedded another mans wife, my husband seeks to divorce me and marry his mistress. I have asked for God’s forgivenes for my sins, my husband holds anger in his heart and will not forgive me. I pray my marriage can be made clean and my husband is forgiven for his adultery, just as I have been. God guide me to mend my marriage and rid us both of adulterous acts. I pray my husband will forgive me. Lord here my prayers.

Reply

Jack Wellman August 31, 2014 at 7:16 pm

Christina, I am so sorry for such a tragic spot you are in. You are an inspiration though to many because you are determined not to give up on this marriage. What a godly woman with strong faith and please know that we are all sinners so since God has forgiven you, I hope you will forgive yourself. God has and that’s the most important thing to know. As for your husband, I am concerned for this man’s soul for you asked for forgiveness and so I do not believe he has biblical grounds for divorce at all. He has been forgiven much so if he doesn’t forgive, a person that doesn’t forgive Jesus said “And neither will My Father Who is in heaven forgive you….” (meaning your husband. Will pray for you and for your husband to be convicted of his sin, repent of this divorce and remarriage, and trust in Christ (perhaps for the first time). Praying for you and him Christina. God is pleased you are striving mightily to save this marriage.

Reply

Allie September 1, 2014 at 6:34 am

I’ll be praying for you and your family Christina!

Reply

chas September 4, 2014 at 2:48 am

I am a young bride. I have been married only two years as of October.
When I married I was a luke warm believer.
My husband and I separated for seven months. We both seen other people. Thankfully we came back together and decided to work things out.
As of now I am a trying to be a faithful follower of Christ. I am learning and growing in the word and in prayer.
The more I directed my focus to GOD and to the church my husband started to withdraw. I finally convinced him into coming to church with me. He’s been the past two Sundays with me. He seems interested now.
Is there a way I can ease him into Christianity when he seems to want to focus on what he thinks are the “negative” aspects of the bible?
He does not have a Christian value on our marriage, of course, and it affecting me badly. Our values are different and causes conflict.
How can I put more GOD into my marriage without scaring him?
I am not ready to give up on my marriage!
I pray that GOD comes into my marriage. I pray that he comes into my husbands heart. I pray that my marriage will not be a statistic.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 4, 2014 at 8:08 am

Thank you Chas for your comment. Let me say that I would do nothing more than to just love your husband unconditionally and don’t try to “put more God in your marriage” but just pray for him, love him, treat him with respect and don’t pressure him in any way to read the Bible, go to church with you. Try to pray in private, read your Bible when he’s at work and not make him feel inadequate which may be why he is withdrawing. You said you “finally convinced him to come to church with you.” I would not try in any way at all to “east him into Christianity” because salvation is 100% a work of God and when people start trying to help someone “put more God into marriages” is not trusting God to save those who He wills to be saved. I think all you can do is pray and love him and then leave the results up to God and trust Him to do what He wills to do.

Reply

chas September 5, 2014 at 4:09 pm

Mr. Wellman,
Thank you for your response. Thank you for a new perspective on the situation. Ive been praying more about this situation throughout the day. I have been feeling the need for a fast (it will be my first). Not only for the prayers for him but mainly for myself. I know that the best way to show Christ love is by being that love. I am praying for myself to be patient. And to be kind. I know what it says love is in the bible and I am praying so hard to be that. GOD will do his work of course. I was just hoping I could be a help in leading him to GOD. Now I see the best way is to just let my actions be louder than my words.
Thank you.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 5, 2014 at 4:20 pm

I am glad that I could do anything at all to help and I know that your heart is in this for fighting for this marriage. Good for you and this is surely pleasing to God.

Reply

Pearl September 8, 2014 at 7:56 am

I am a christian married woman for 13years and the challenge I encouted is that I discovered that my husband has commited adultery made a child with another woman and now he is HIV positive.I am divastaed because we have 3 kids and I don`t trust him and scared that he will infect me.I want to divorce him but scared as he was abusing me emotionally and physically.Please advice me as I am depressed and crying alot.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 8, 2014 at 9:01 am

I am so sorry Pearl. Before talking about divorce, I would report this abuser to the police and find another place to live immediately. Do you have family you can temporarily move in with? Does your church have resources to help you? Have you spoken with your pastor? Abusers need to be reported and their crime be punished. He cannot get away with this abuse. Physical abuse is a violation of the law and no one should have to endure this. Turn him in today. Get your children to a safe place because they might be next.

Reply

Pearl September 8, 2014 at 9:30 am

For now I am scared to go to the police because he once threatened to kill me,if I live him.I have my mom and was considering to go and stay with her but the problem is I am the one who is paying our house bond.He use to beat me and now he is no more beating me physically but emotionally he is abusing me.He always blackmail me that he is born again but kept on checking on me now and then,even in church I don`t greet male christians.I cannot tell our pastor because we are both in worship team of which I am the leader.I fell small that my problems will be known especially of the sickness he has.

Reply

Caitlyn September 10, 2014 at 10:19 am

Father God, I ask for your healing and your protection for Pearl and her family right now. Send your angels to comfort her, to give her hope, and to protect her and those she loves. Lord Jesus I ask that you reach out to Pearl at this moment and fill her heart with peace, let her know in no uncertain terms that she is yours and even now you have a plan for her and her children.

I ask for you to touch the hearts of those around her, who may be unaware of the situation unfolding around them, and give them wisdom and discernment for how they can help and pray. I come against the demonic activity that would seek to hurt, maim, and isolate God’s children from him in the name of Jesus Christ, and pray against any unclean spirits that seek to continue this cycle of abuse for both the sake of Pearl and her husband.

These are your children, Father, and we lift them up to you. I ask that you would bless Pearl right now and in the days and weeks ahead to discern the best way to remove herself and her children from this situation, and to be present in the hearts of the law enforcement and church officials around her to come together to keep your children safe and whole.

Jesus, I ask that you would be also in the heart of Pearl’s husband, that you would make way for your presence to be known to him as it has never been before, and give him the strength to come against the enemy who would have him abuse the sanctity of his marriage and your children. You have told us that the Truth shall set us free, and I ask that you show this truth through Pearl and her husband to set them both free from this terrible situation. Heavenly Father, let your light shine in and break Pearl free from the chains that hold her, let her know the comfort of your presence and your love in this difficult time. Amen.

Pearl, you and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

Reply

Jackie September 10, 2014 at 5:06 pm

I was married to my ex-ex-Husband (married & divorced him twice) when I committed adultery with my current Husband. I heard the Holy Spirit trying to call me out of it, and I ran from Him. I even attempted suicide. I was on psychiatric drugs and was heavily influenced by the physical relationship that seemed inescapable. I thought that I surely knew what was right for my life. I didn’t listen to God; & now I’m seeing that I fell into a trap. I know that Jesus said go and sin no more to the woman caught in adultery, but I kept sinning. I married him to make it right and it never did become alright. My exhusband (Father of my 2 youngest children) would have me back. My lawful Husband would never let me go. I sincerely want to follow God’s plan for my life but I don’t feel as if I am. I’ve never trusted my Husband and I feel locked into this marriage. He legally adopted my 9 year old daughter when she was 7 right after the honeymoon. He told me he would fight me if I ever left. Not that he would fight FOR me, but that he’d take my child. Which reinforces my belief that he only ever got close to me so that he could get nearer to my small children. I’ve heard it said by several believers that they don’t know if God would want me to leave him and go back to my Husband because He hates divorce. But, what starts in the dark ends in the dark. I seem to be trapped by my choices. Illusion doesn’t turn into reality and I’m waking up, and it’s so painful. I’m obviously leaning on Him and listening and praying for discernment. Seeking counsel from professional Christian counselors and diving into scripture. My heart is repentant, but since marrying this man, every time we lay down together I still feel like I’m sinning. I’ve asked for time to be apart so that I can get closer to God and to recieve discernment. It’s reluctantly been granted (he’s always used that as a tool to distract me and bind me to him). Not sure what God’s plan is for our lives. I don’t want to disappoint God, so I’m not in a hurry have the answer immediately. Just trusting there is one.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 10, 2014 at 5:41 pm

Hello Jackie and thank you for your question. I am glad you are in counseling and does this mean a Christian counselor or your pastor or both? You wrote “, every time we lay down together I still feel like I’m sinning” but love is not as much a feeling but more a choice. You cannot undo what has already been done and so to divorce this man and marry your first husband would only be a greater sin. Feelings are not a reliable source of truth. God’s Word is and Paul says that “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called” (1 Cor 7:20) and although this is not exactly your case as you must have been saved before this divorce and remarrying your present husband (right?) then stay in this marriage. You cannot unscramble an egg a friend of mine once said. If you don’t want to disappoint God, stay where you are….love your husband. Give him what he may not deserve in your opinion just as God loved us when we didn’t deserve it and were still His enemies and still wicked sinners (Rom 5:8, 10). Just trust God and stay in His Word daily.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 10, 2014 at 5:42 pm

Also Jackie, Paul also wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:24 “Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”

Reply

macy September 15, 2014 at 11:20 am

hi! i am a filipino and married to a single american man for 3 years we are both christians. before he proposed marriage he always told me my family that he hates divorce, he don’t like the idea of getting divorce. but after a big fight, storm comes into our marriage, problems arises, lack of communication, he told me now that we are not compatible for each other he wants a divorce. the thing that hurts me deeply is that he seek advices to his spiritual father, a christian psychologist, a christian psychiatrist, and lastly a christian pastor that agreed to his decision for a divorce. I was wondering why those people agrees and gave advices in filing a divorce where in fact they are a christian? I did not even commit adultery? he just want a divorce because a closest christian friends advices him to do so? I want to save my marriage but I don’t know how? I would be very grateful if you could advice me with my almost drifting marriage. Thanks for your ministry, Godbless you!

Reply

Jack Wellman September 15, 2014 at 11:50 am

Hello Macy and thank you for your comment and question. I believe that these teachers, the counselors and pastor are not giving biblical advice. Why in the world they are suggesting a divorce is beyond me because there are absolutely no biblical grounds for a divorce in this case. Your husband saying that you two are “not compatible for each other” is about the worst reason of all for getting a divorce and these men are counselors of the Devil in my opinion. I would ask them for a chapter and verse from the Bible for their reasons for saying so. Please have them contact me where it says “Contact” or send them this link at: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/contact/ so that I can ask them why they are leading this man and you astray. You said that he is your husband’s “spiritual father” but where is this found in the Bible? He may be right that he is your husband’s “spiritual father” but it is the wrong spirit and not of God. Stay on your knees…fight for this marriage and I am thankful to God that you said you “want to save your marriage.” You are in the right. There are no biblical grounds for divorce. Don’t give up. I get the feeling that others will be joining me and you in praying for this man, for these false counselors and for your marriage.

Reply

Lee September 15, 2014 at 3:25 pm

Hi,

I have been trying to reconcile with my wife after finding text messages of a sexual nature on my wife’s phone. She claims that nothing ever happened and that I needed to just trust her. She was going to stop texting him. A few weeks to a month later I found messages to the same man trying to arrange to meet him on a weekend, I believe I was going to be out of town on business. I confronted her and she said that she was sorry and it wouldn’t happen any more. Over the last year I have caught her in lies about her texting and calling two other men, one of which had a crush on her in high school. She has text things of a sexual nature to the old high school friend and sent inappropriate pictures. She has told these three that she is separated or divorces. I have confronted her and she denies everything. I have asked her to see a counselor with me and she refuses. For the last year she has live with her mother up the street with my son. I have filed for separation, but not complete it yet. Should I separate, divorce, or just live in limbo?

Reply

Jack Wellman September 15, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Hello Lee. What was the advice of your pastor? What did he say when you spoke with him about this. The last thing I want to do is to advise someone to divorce even if there is a shadow of a chance to save it. The fact that you have already filed for separation, what did your wife say about that? Could you answer these things for me Lee. I am truly sorry for what you are going through but also for the children who are always the victims that have the most damage done to them.

Reply

Lee September 15, 2014 at 5:58 pm

Thank you for your response. My Pastor, christian counselor, Decon, and several other christian men have all told me the same thing. Proceed with the separation. When she got the papers she was very angry. After a few days, she asked what was going on and I told her that I wanted her and my son to move back in with me, for us to go to counseling to work out all this, and to have no more secrets, meaning no more relationships and texting to other men that she doesn’t want me to see. She agreed we would work on things, but refused counseling and that was three months ago and nothing has changed as far as I can tell. I have again confronted her about a year going by and we are still where we were a year ago. She says it is none of my business what she talks about with her “friends” and I should just trust her. My concern is for my son for most. My mother-in-law makes it clear to my son that I have no authority in her house and he doesn’t have to listen to me there and my wife goes along with her. My wife’s only counsel are her mother and aunt who are both divorced and do not have a very high opinion of men. Other are accentuates that agree she has a right to privacy but she doesn’t tell them the content of the messages she was sending to these men as far as I know. She is verbally abusive to me and always on the defensive when I try to talk about us. Hopefully this answers your questions.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 15, 2014 at 8:07 pm

I didn’t mean to be asking questions for the wrong reason sir. I do see that you are in a hard place. I know only God can change a human heart (Prov 21:1) and even a Saul can become a Paul and that is what I am going to pray for.

Reply

Lee September 15, 2014 at 10:34 pm

Your questions were perfect. I thank you for your opinion and prayers. Just really on edge about the whole thing. Wanting to make sure I have exhausted every option before proceeding. I have reached the same conclusion that without a change of heart I don’t know how we can be a husband and wife again and Father is the only one who can do that. Thank you again for all the articles you have written it has been a big help today.

Lee September 15, 2014 at 7:05 pm

Also, during the time we were supposed to be working on things after she got notice of the separation, I have tried to do things with her and talk about what has been going on. She will say things like she doesn’t think about us much and she doesn’t care how I feel when things get heated. She barely hugs me and kisses have been nothing more than pecks for the most part.

Reply

macy September 16, 2014 at 12:19 am

Thanks for your strong word Sir,thank you for offering a prayer to us but I guess my husband was decided in filing a divorce. We are living separately, im in the philippines and his living in USA. I do not know his christian friends who advises him for divorce but i have a strong feelings that he is telling words behind my back because one time I open his cellphone and I read a text message from a friend he is telling his friend that I am an evil wife. It hurts to know that my own husband is telling his friends bad against me where in fact I have a good feedback on his side with my friends and families. He set plans and rules of this entire marriage, I have no voice to reason out or even suggest plans about our future that is why I am hopeless in saving this marriage coz he will not listen. Thank you again for your time. God bless you!

Reply

Jack Wellman September 16, 2014 at 7:13 am

Hello Macy. I am so sorry for all the heartache you have been through. May God strengthen you in your time of trials and needs.

Reply

Pearl September 16, 2014 at 5:47 am

Thank you Caitlyn for your support may God bless you and I hope ,I will finally get a break through from God and be free from stress of this marriage.

Reply

Ratna September 16, 2014 at 10:40 pm

I married my husband about 29 years ago because my relationship with my boy friend that I loved failed and I could not bear being unmarried at the of 35 (too old voor our Asian community). My husband married me because he was lonely after being divorce with his 1st wife. A few years ago I have found out that he showed interest in a another Asian woman but when I confronted him, he denied. So from the beginning and until now there is no love in our marriage but I hold on because I know that God hates divorce. The last few years his mother demands a lot of cares and time from him because his sisters do not want to (his father has passed away). I told him that it is not fair that he has to do lots of jobs while his sisters not and most of the time what his mother asks him concern female business. When my husband still works he shared what he would like to do when he gets retired but all his dreams gone because of his demanding mother. Am I wrong to disagree with him and long to get seperated, afterall there is no love between us? Your answer is highly appreciated.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 17, 2014 at 8:03 am

Thank you Ratna for your question. I see no biblical grounds at all for a divorce or separation. No one but God can change another person but the only other way a person can change is to change themselves. I would think you would be glad that your husband wants to take care of his mother. That is keeping the 5th Commandment to honor your parents. Yes, I think according to what the Bible teaches, you are wrong to seek a divorce. You said that there is no love between you and him. Have you asked your husband? Love is not a feeling but really love is a choice and it is what you do, as much what you feel. You wrote that you “I told him that it is not fair that he has to do lots of jobs while his sisters not” but aren’t you glad that at least one of his mothers’ children care enough to honor their mother? Don’t you do that to your parents. The Bible never teaches that life is fair but God will judge the world eventually, and that is not our job to make these judgments about what some people should and should not do.

Now, imagine if Christ, just before the cross, went to the garden and thought; I hate this feeling, I don’t feel like doing this, therefore I will base my decision upon what I feel. If that had happened, we’d all be hopelessly doomed to hell. The good news of course was that Jesus resisted and fought back His feelings and even though He prayed three times to have the cup removed, He was more interested in doing the will of the Father than what He felt like doing…thankfully. Jesus displayed His love by willingly going to the cross and dying for sinners and those of us who were still His enemies and desperately wicked (Rom 5:8, 10) so we must preach that love is not dependent upon feelings and emotions because feelings are one of the shallowest and most unreliable of all human emotions. Instead we must emphasize that love is a choice more than a feeling because feelings are subjective while love is objectively displayed in actions. The bottom line is that love is what a person chooses to do, not what a person chooses to feel. God so loved the world because He felt like it?

Reply

Cheated Wife September 17, 2014 at 1:40 pm

So, if my husband continues to cheat and doesn’t really have remorse about it….can the church dissolute my marriage?

Reply

Jack Wellman September 17, 2014 at 7:05 pm

Thank you my friend for your question. The church has no right to dissolute a marriage. That is between the husband and the wife but your husband has no grounds for divorce, but you appear to have since he is unrepentant and continually committing adultery. Do you not want the divorce?

Reply

Anne September 19, 2014 at 7:02 am

My husband committed an adultery for 8 months. He ended his affair in April and then made a confession to me in August. He became a Follower of Christ in April and I saw God’s grace on him since then. During the dark time before I knew about his infidelity I wanted a divorce but there was no biblical ground for it. Last August, I’m still standing beside him because he is a changed man, he became Man of God. I confronted his mistress, a married woman. She indeed was very remorseful during our 2.5 hours of meeting. She’s a christian and a member of our church. All I talked about was God’s words and how to be a woman of God and experience His grace. I’ll be honest here, Mercy is not fair but it’s godly. It isn’t fair but it’s powerful. I told her that she must make a confession to her husband or I’ll be forced to. She said this isn’t her first affair. Her husband knew about her first affair and they almost got a divorce. She seems really sure that they will get a divorce this time if he knows. I know marriage is precious to God and satan tried to kill two birds with one stone by destroying mine and their marriages. I have seen God’s work on her since last we have talked. I didn’t give her the timeline on when she must make the confession. My question is, should I leave them alone and let God work on her and hope she will one day confess? Or should I call 4 of us to meet at Church and force the confession? I’m conflicted with two different little voices inside me… “Time is now” and “Patience..” I want to make sure I do what God wants me to do. I am truly after His heart. If it’s up to me then I would leave them alone and be merciful. But what does God want me to do? My husband and I are working through our marriage. My healing is going well because he’s truly a different man. He had made a full submission to the Lord and became a Man…

Reply

Jack Wellman September 19, 2014 at 7:47 am

Anne, thank you again your question and praise God for your husband being saved and becoming a new man in Jesus Christ. That’s awesome. As for telling this woman’s husband about her affair, no, no, please don’t. That is not our job and it is interfering in another couple’s marriage. Leave this to God. Trust Him. She is remorseful. What if you did tell her husband and they got a divorce because you interfered? These “little voices” are not reliable. Don’t call a meeting of the church either and “force a confession.” This is not biblical. You would do great harm to everyone involved. Stay out of this. Please. Be thankful that God has blessed you and your husband in your marriage. Also, keep silent about this other woman. Don’t gossip. You just work on your own marriage and leave the others alone.

Reply

ANNE September 19, 2014 at 10:02 am

Thank you so much for your quick reply. This helps a lot. I have last questions, if my husband want to confess to other woman’s husband and seek forgiveness – would that be wrong? Can God still bless us if he does not confess to the husband? I am happy to know that we can leave them be and pray for them. I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing. …good grief… sin makes us stupid. :(

Reply

Jack Wellman September 19, 2014 at 8:36 pm

Hello again Anne….yes, that would be wrong to have your husband confess to the other women’s husbands because they might not even know about it and that might cause them to divorce. God the Holy Spirit is the One Who convicts people of their sin and that is not our job. Please don’t have him do this as there is nothing like this taught in the Bible and could wreck several marriages so yes, it would be wrong. You husband’s primary sin is against God first and against you and since God has forgiven him and it appears you have, then that’s all that needs to be done. Yes, just pray for them but please don’t say anything more to anyone else about these things as it could do great harm to all concerned. Sin makes us all stupid. I am glad you two are working things out and have saved this marriage. Glory to God.

Reply

Anne September 20, 2014 at 7:38 am

Good morning Pastor, Thank you so much! I feel a whole a lot better after talking with you. ALL GLORY TO GOD! Have a blessed day!

Brenda K September 19, 2014 at 8:52 pm

I carry a deep burden . I intiated the divorce of my ex husband. But it was due to emotional abuse rather than physical abuse. Although he also physically abused me ss well. I still can’t get the feeling of the weight my shoulder carries because of this. I wanted my daughter to be safe. I know God frowns upon divorce… But how do you obtain forgiveness of this act? I feel lost and like nobody truly understands me..

Reply

Jack Wellman September 19, 2014 at 9:06 pm

Brenda, let me say that God hates divorce but He loves and forgives divorced people and it is not the unpardonable sin at all…and you now have to learn how to forgive yourself. If you have confessed this then God promises to forgive us. Read 1 John 1:9 and claim that promise of God as all His Word is…unbreakable. Please, I urge you to read this before the night is up and its called “How to Forgive Yourself” at: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-a-christian-commentary/ How many of your and my sins were still ahead of us at the cross? All of them. You are forgiven. God loves you. We all sin but we cannot ever outsin what the cross bought for us in Christ’s shed blood.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 19, 2014 at 9:27 pm

Brenda, let me say that God hates divorce but He loves and forgives divorced people and it is not the unpardonable sin at all…and you now have to learn how to forgive yourself. If you have confessed this then God promises to forgive us. Read 1 John 1:9 and claim that promise of God as all His Word is…unbreakable. Please, I urge you to read this before the night is up and its called “How to Forgive Yourself” at: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-a-christian-commentary/ How many of your and my sins were still ahead of us at the cross? All of them. You are forgiven. God loves you. We all sin but we cannot ever outsin what the cross bought for us in Christ’s shed blood. You are carrying a weight that you should not have to carry and it doesn’t matter if others don’t understand you….as long as God does, that’s all that matters and I understand you too if that makes any difference my sister in Christ.

Reply

Trisha September 20, 2014 at 11:46 pm

I have always had full faith ! I am a strong believer! Some time ago I committed adultery I have ask for forgiveness! My husband of 6 years is not willing to forgive me says he doesn’t love me doesn’t wanna be with me and stated he wants a divorce! He is very hurtful and cold tward me not only with actions but with words to! I have made mistakes I have asked for forgiveness! I do not want a divorce I am in love with my husband and I am very heartbroken that he doesn’t even love me! We have two children that are greatly affected by his decision and it is something I do not want! I am asking for guidance prayers and help to understand why this is all happening and help to mend my heart

Reply

Jack Wellman September 21, 2014 at 7:57 am

Thank you Trisha for your comment. My first question is always, have you spoken with your own pastor about this? If so, what did he say? Your husband is confused about love. Love is not a feeling you fall into or out of…it is a choice and what you do not as much what you feel. I would speak with the pastor and request prayers for “unknown needs” and that would be that your husband is convicted of sin. We all fall into sin and he is not realizing how much he has been forgiven and is not perfect either. Having a one time affair and then asking for forgiveness in repentance like you have done is not grounds for divorce. I will pray that God softens his heart. Do you children know about it? Have them pray as well. Why is this happening? I don’t know God’ secret council but it will work for the good (Rom 8:28), but Job also must have wondered.

Reply

charnelle October 2, 2014 at 2:44 am

Hi ,

I had posted my query in 2012 when my husband left, after 7 months he came back and wanted things to work, after his many, many affairs..

We had a daughter and things went well, until finances become hard with new baby, and the beginning of 2014 he started with his porn site and chats again, which put strain on our marriage again.

August of this year, 2 weeks before my daughters first birthday, he informed me that he no longer loves me, and he can’t go on pretending, the kids and I are a job for him.

I was devastated of cause, I begged and tried to talk, he just said I deserve better.

I applied for divorce(as he would do nothing but drank me through the mud again as before), and the divorce will be final in a weeks’ time, this has been the most hardest of time for me, I cry every day, and fear depression. Hoping that he would tell me to stop the proceedings, but his all to happy, and shows it..

But I found out that his having a ball of a time, with other woman. He is paying for the kids, and sees our son, once every second week, he told me that he left me not the kids, and I must get it into my think head, and stop trying.

I have remained still, as if I say anything out of line, he advised that he will make things hard for me, as he does not need to give me as much as he does.

I have been praying and seeking council.. but I am lost, and feel that I am under constant attacks .. the sleepless night, and dreams , and the breaking heart is just too much for me.. I cry to come to work, I cry when I have to home..

I listen to gospel music, to change my attitude to one that is grateful to the lord, regardless of my circumstance, but then I would be attacked through him, in a way that will just brake me..

I am now in place where I can find no comfort in the word.. and everyone words are empty for me..

I don’t feel my mind is in the right place.. and I am constantly pushing down my anger.. (I am a very quiet person, and love to encourage others ) I have so just lost my way..

I have all this thoughts in my mind, telling me God will punish me for divorcing… I feel weak..

Reply

Jack Wellman October 2, 2014 at 11:44 am

God hates divorce but He loves divorced people…and this unrepentant, continuously adulterous man is one the one who must fact the judgment of God, not you. None of us are completely innocent but you must believe that there is nothing you can do to increase God’s love for you anymore than there is nothing that you can not do that will make Him love you any less. You must believe that God’s love for His own children is not conditioned upon how good or bad we are. Just as your love for your children cannot change, regardless of their behavior, so God’s love is even more immutable and is never diminished over the way we live. God is not punishing you in this but this is the Enemy making you feel this way. And we are all weak but when we are weak, He can be shown strong because His strength is displayed in our weaknesses. Don’t give up for His love never fails and He never gives up on us.

Reply

Ashley October 4, 2014 at 1:41 am

I have been really struggling with what to do but I need advice. My husband of 5 years has cheated on me behind my back and was severelyaddicted to pornography and would stay up for 6 or more hours while me and our 4 year old daughter where asleep. Every time I caught him he would say I am sorry I will never do it again, I will get help. I would eventually forgive him and he would go on like nothing ever happened and then I would catch him again. This time though he was on Facebook messaging a women to get a favor hookup for services. She called her husband her master. He was logged into my phone but I was at my moms and he was at home, only 10 min away. He had just dropped me off. I was seeing them messaging each other. Since then, 9 days I have been staying at my moms with our daughter. I cannot even think of looking or talking to him. He apparently it’s getting help but he has tried before through our church and never stuck it out. He always hid his books, and never let me know he was not allowed to watch tv or go on the internet. I keep replaying all the timeshe lied and hid things behind my back. I am beyond hurt but pray he gets the help he needs. I know me leaving made him do this but only because his grandparents paid for it. Its only been 9 days a couple counseling sessions and he wants us back, but its always the same with him. I can’t keep getting hurt especially trying to take care of my daughter. I got legal separation papers today for child support cause I have no money, living with my parents right now, and he has not offered to help out with our daughter at all, financially. The hardest problem I am having is realizing this is happening and it hurts. His grandparents also are trying to control the situation and making me feel like I am the bad one cause I am not willing to give it one more try out of 5 years worth. On top of that trying to figure out how to handle everything when he gets the paperwork. Its just so hard. I have had no one but my parents to really talk to so its been very hard. I have prayed and prayed but struggling with knowing what God wants for me. With the Christian tv church programs that my mom watches and the books I read it seems like it is telling me to move on that God has my future planned for me and that I may have to give up things I really loved and walk through fire to get where he wants me. So is this clearly God or just my mom and me thinking this. Please some advice, this is all so scary for me. And lots of pray.

Reply

Jack Wellman October 4, 2014 at 4:36 am

I am so sorry Ashley for all of this. Have you asked your husband if he would seek counseling together with the two of you and your pastor? What would he say to that? I am glad at least that he is seeking help. It is sad that his grandparents are trying to interfere and blame you. This is sin for them. God will hold them all accountable someday. You said “the Christian tv church programs that my mom watches and the books I read it seems like it is telling me to move on that God has my future planned for me” but Christian TV church programs and books you are reading are not the true source of truth…the Word of God is and I would not put anything of value or make any decisions based upon books you read or Christian TV. Have you or your mom spoken with your pastor yet? If so, what did he say? Then you asked “So is this clearly God or just my mom and me thinking this?” I cannot answer that. God alone knows and we know that He desire is always to save marriages….so pray for your husband that he would repent, and since he is seeking help, to get help in overcoming this so that your marriage can be restored. I am always on the side of trying to salvage marriages if at all possible Ashely.

Reply

Allie October 5, 2014 at 7:42 pm

Hello Pastor Jack,
My marriage has ended unfortunately but I continue to pray for those on this site who are working on their relationships with their spouses as I believe in my heart that God wants families to remain whole. I have decided to place distance between myself and my ex so that I can heal and I’m working on myself through counseling and attempting to remain prayerful even though I have some very sad days. My question is I still love my ex husband very much what is your advice for healing broken hearts and letting go of a broken marriage?

Reply

Jack Wellman October 5, 2014 at 11:10 pm

Allie, I would pour my self into a ministry like visiting the nursing home, sharing the gospel, get into a children’s Sunday school, or visit the sick in the hospital. I believe when you begin to help others and be the hands, voice, of Christ, you will have a heart that is broken yes, but helping the broken hearts of others. 2 Cor 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Make sense? Talk to your pastor and ask him where you might be able to serve the church…or start your own ministry.

Reply

Jennifer October 6, 2014 at 8:10 am

Ashley, my heart is with you. If I may, I would like to ask you to not make any decisions in haste. Our Father has so much for us to learn, even when we have the best intentions it’s difficult to “be still” and wait for guidance. I have learned (the hard way) to do just that. Be still, allow the Lord to give you peace in this situation.

Now, I can’t be in your shoes but I promise I come from a place of understanding and experience. I can truly empathize with your situation and I ask you not make any decisions that don’t have to be confronted at this point. Please, pray, soak in the Word of God, accept comfort from our Heavenly Father, take care of yourself and your precious daughter. God will hold you up and never let you down.

These times are full of worry, anxiety and pressure but if you give those over to our Lord, be obedient to Him and trust His mercy, all will become clearer to you. God is true, he loves you very much and will never steer you wrong.

Myself and so many others are praying for you, hold that close to your heart and smile because you are loved.

Reply

Allie October 6, 2014 at 9:14 am

Hello Pastor Jack,
Unfortunately my efforts to restore my marriage were unsuccessful and my ex husband and I divorced a month ago. I continue to follow this site and pray for everyone experiencing marital problems because I believe God’s will is that his people build fruitful marriages and families. I am in counseling and have become more active in my church in hopes that this will keep me busy and my mind occupied. What is your advice for best handling a divorce especially when you are still in love with your former spouse.

Reply

mel October 6, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Allie, I’ve been praying for you and have been wondering how things were going for you. My heart is breaking for you and I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers. I wish there was a way to magically make all the heartache disappear.
I’ve kept two things close to my heart, that have kept me from giving up or becoming discouraged in my own situation. First, is the verse Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Secondly, every time I’ve read or heard the word “Sovereign”, it’s pulled at my heart. I finally decided to look up what it actually meant. God is sovereign, which means that He has the right to do whatever He wants, and He has complete control over everything that happens. It’s taken me several weeks to begin to comprehend this, but I’m slowly starting to get it. God is sovereign over everything. It’s awesome and terrifying! Allie, He is in control and has a plan for your life. He knows/knew everything about you, long before the world began.
As for how to move forward with an aching/broken heart…Some things I’ve done that have helped me move on. I signed up for Groupon and purchased some workout classes. I don’t know where you live, but usually there are dozens of offers for art classes, exercise classes, self defense courses, etc for very cheap prices. I was really nervous and anxious the first couple of times I went to my class, but it’s gotten easier. And it’s actually been kinda fun.
Also, I signed up for 2 different Bible studies at my church, and a 3rd one at a church that I don’t attend. All 3 of them are women only and they’re staggered so I attend at least one each week. I’ve already found a few women that I’ve made a connection with and started having coffee with one of them. (I had to initiate the offer.)
Also, I’m not sure if your church offers it, but I’d encourage you to look into finding a mentor from the Stephen Ministers. They pair you up with an older woman who can come alongside you and encourage you, pray with you, and just be a friend. And, if I lived near you, I’d go out for a cup of coffee with you. :)
In addition to the above things, I’m signed up for several online daily devotionals. At my last count, I think I receive around 10 each day. Several times throughout my day, I take a few minutes to read one or two of them.
Also, I’m not sure if it’s something you’ve considered, or if you already own one, but think about getting a small lap dog. I own 2 small dogs and they have brought me so much joy and companionship these past several months. They keep me busy and it’s fun to take them on a walk every day.
Other ideas: consider going on a short term mission trip. Find a local women’s shelter where you could volunteer. Go next door to your neighbor and introduce yourself. Actively look for ways to bless someone every day, even if it’s in a small way (like letting someone go in front of you on the freeway or paying for the person’s coffee behind you at the coffee place).
And finally, last but not least: pray. Cry out to Him. Tell Him how you feel. God is always there and He hears our prayers. I’m guessing He feels like a million miles away from you right now. But I know He’s right beside you, and He loves you more than you’ll ever know.

Reply

Jennifer October 8, 2014 at 7:48 am

Pastor Jack, I always keep you in my prayers as your continue to uphold the Word of God and patiently teach those of us who look to you for guidance. It’s a great responsibility you carry and please know how much of a blessing it is to recieve your wisdom. May God bless you.

Reply

Jack Wellman October 8, 2014 at 8:34 am

Jennifer, you are so kind and your words are so comforting, uplifting, and encouraging. May God richly bless you for your blessing for me and your prayers. I could do nothing without Christ, as you know, so all glory goes to Him and Him alone Jennifer. Nonetheless, I appreciate what you wrote and can certainly use your prayers. Thank you so much.

Reply

Bode October 12, 2014 at 1:26 am

Hello Pastor,
I have been married for 16 years and I am seeking divorce from my Wife on, let me mention just a few reasons:

1. I am a Minister who has been VERY adulterous. Why? I have been grossly starved of sex at home from day one. I did a count of our intercourse last year as a simple example, and it was 12 rounds of sex in a year. Not only does she know that this is insufficient but, she does not even care. My Pastor had called my home sometime ago, and spoke to my Wife after a revelation to him. He pleaded with her to give her husband all that will help me to serve God righteously. He knows all these.
My insistence on remaining in this marriage will surely lead me to hell! Surely. If my hands “cause” me to sin, I have to cut it off!

2. Can we walk together except we agree? We have no agreements on anything. If she asked my opinion on a matter, it is for her to rubbish whatever I say. I’m not even talking about submission here. I’m talking about considering the feelings of the other. It is as bad as working in a Company that I’m not even aware of. While she says, that her Parents have that right, while I don’t.

3. It has been a very violent relationship. She, as far as I’m concerned is very violent, being from a violent background. And of course, we have fought physically on some past occasions. Of course, I over powered her. The last one which was like 4 years ago was after she drew a knife to stab me. She insisted that I must beat her or she’ll stab me. I pleaded for so long for her to drop this idea but, once she threatens, she will do it! I over powered her only by beating her and taking the knife away. Her siblings, came over and beat the life out of me. Yet, her younger Sister attacked my own elder Sister in London after a year for the reason of this same occurrence.
These her siblings are people whom I have had to bail from Police custody severally in the past, after violent attacks on people or fraud.

4. We have 3 children who have been very unstable for many years. My Wife is so fond of leaving home and not sleeping at home whenever she wishes. And she will never tell you where she slept. She can even tell me that she slept inside her car. On home occasion, she left our home and was sleeping in the office of one of her male friends. This was for month of me searching for her and the children. Somehow, I traced them to that office. I had suspected that male friend of indecent relationship and even told her about it. She made that move after nearly 4months of that warning. I have dreams that warns me ahead. I had seen that man having sex with her in the dream.

5. Her mother has not lived with her father for nearly 15 years now. This mother is her closest ally. I do believe that the mother will justify her own position by destroying her daughter. My Wife is the second daughter who will go through this. The daughter in London is with her second Husband, after this woman had lived with her in her first relationship. It crashed!
Somehow, she was sent back to Nigeria by this daughter. The reason is yet unknown to us all.

6. She had told me before we got married that she prefers that we have children and go our separate ways. Now, her desire to break this marriage really intensified after these children were complete. She has asked me to bring a divorce paper and she will gladly approve. While I am thinking of the effect on the children. I have suffered lack of love from her hands. She said to me a long time ago, “I love you but I just can’t show it”. That is how she has lived with me for these 16 years.

7. She has moved out now as she has on many past occasions. On this occasion, I intend to refuse her re-entry into my life. She has been out for nearly 2 months now.

This time, I have decided to end this marriage and set her free to live the life she craves for. While I search for love. God has called us to peace.

Reply

Jack Wellman October 13, 2014 at 9:00 am

Dear Mr Bode, I am going to answer each of your statements as you numbered them and I am telling you upfront that you might not like my response but I use the Bible as my source and not human opinon.

1. I am a Minister who has been VERY adulterous. Why? I have been grossly starved of sex at home from day one. I did a count of our intercourse last year as a simple example, and it was 12 rounds of sex in a year. Not only does she know that this is insufficient but, she does not even care. My Pastor had called my home sometime ago, and spoke to my Wife after a revelation to him. He pleaded with her to give her husband all that will help me to serve God righteously. He knows all these.My insistence on remaining in this marriage will surely lead me to hell! Surely. If my hands “cause” me to sin, I have to cut it off!

My Response: Mr. Bode. You are a minister? Do you mean an elder, deacon, or pastor? If so, and you have committed adultery, then you are biblically disqualified from being a pastor. Step down from your position in the church and repent and ask God to forgive you of this adultery and ask your wife for forgiveness too. This is very serious. You are seeming to blame your wife’s not having sex with you enough as an excuse or the reason for your adultery. You have no excuse sir. You said “My insistence on remaining in this marriage will surely lead me to hell!” but that is not biblical advice at all. I would say that your adultery and divorcing for no biblical grounds could lead you to hell if you have never repented and trusted in Christ and don’t repent of this divorce because you have no grounds. You cannot commit adultery and blame her because she didn’t give you enough sex.

2. Can we walk together except we agree? We have no agreements on anything. If she asked my opinion on a matter, it is for her to rubbish whatever I say. I’m not even talking about submission here. I’m talking about considering the feelings of the other. It is as bad as working in a Company that I’m not even aware of. While she says, that her Parents have that right, while I don’t.

My Response: Can two walk together except you agree you said? Divorce is NOT the context of this verse. This is about two who believe the same thing. You are again using her actions to approve of your having grounds for divorce. Can you show me the chapter and verse that gives you permission to get a divorce just because she isn’t submitting to you?

3. It has been a very violent relationship. She, as far as I’m concerned is very violent, being from a violent background. And of course, we have fought physically on some past occasions. Of course, I over powered her. The last one which was like 4 years ago was after she drew a knife to stab me. She insisted that I must beat her or she’ll stab me. I pleaded for so long for her to drop this idea but, once she threatens, she will do it! I over powered her only by beating her and taking the knife away. Her siblings, came over and beat the life out of me. Yet, her younger Sister attacked my own elder Sister in London after a year for the reason of this same occurrence. These her siblings are people whom I have had to bail from Police custody severally in the past, after violent attacks on people or fraud.

My response: You said you “have fought physically on some past occasions.” How can you do this!? A man should never fight physically with a woman! I cannot believe you are a minister and would do such a thing! My friend, you must never hit a woman and just because she acts violent, don’t respond with violence of her own.

4. We have 3 children who have been very unstable for many years. My Wife is so fond of leaving home and not sleeping at home whenever she wishes. And she will never tell you where she slept. She can even tell me that she slept inside her car. On home occasion, she left our home and was sleeping in the office of one of her male friends. This was for month of me searching for her and the children. Somehow, I traced them to that office. I had suspected that male friend of indecent relationship and even told her about it. She made that move after nearly 4months of that warning. I have dreams that warns me ahead. I had seen that man having sex with her in the dream.

My Response: I am so sorry…but this still doesn’t prove for certain that she committed adultery. Let me say this about what you said where you wrote “I have dreams that warns me ahead. I had seen that man having sex with her in the dream.” Your dreaming about this proves nothing. God does not speak to us like this. Your dreams should warn you and by depending upon dreams as truth you are depending upon unsure things that are not from the Bible. It could even be Satan filling your head with these dreams.

5. Her mother has not lived with her father for nearly 15 years now. This mother is her closest ally. I do believe that the mother will justify her own position by destroying her daughter. My Wife is the second daughter who will go through this. The daughter in London is with her second Husband, after this woman had lived with her in her first relationship. It crashed!Somehow, she was sent back to Nigeria by this daughter. The reason is yet unknown to us all.

My Response: Your wife’s mother having not lived with her father for 15 years proves nothing. Again, why bring this up?

6. She had told me before we got married that she prefers that we have children and go our separate ways. Now, her desire to break this marriage really intensified after these children were complete. She has asked me to bring a divorce paper and she will gladly approve. While I am thinking of the effect on the children. I have suffered lack of love from her hands. She said to me a long time ago, “I love you but I just can’t show it”. That is how she has lived with me for these 16 years.

My Response: Since she told you before you got married that she prefers to have children and then separate, why did you get married in the first place. That was a decision you nor regret, right?

7. She has moved out now as she has on many past occasions. On this occasion, I intend to refuse her re-entry into my life. She has been out for nearly 2 months now. This time, I have decided to end this marriage and set her free to live the life she craves for. While I search for search for love. God has called us to peace.

My Response: You want to set her free? Why not seek restoration or to restore this marriage. God hates divorce and if you are searching for love, you are disobeying God by getting a divorce for non-biblical reasons. You said “God has called us to peace” but again this verse doesn’t mean you have permission to get a divorce. I have great concerns for you if you are a minister of God and have committed adultery. A minister is to be above reproach (read 2 Tim & Titus).

Reply

KC October 13, 2014 at 6:44 am

IF YOU ARE JEWEL TEXT ME BACK THAT WAS UNDER JC ON AUG 30th.

Reply

KC October 13, 2014 at 6:56 am

PASTOR
I MARRIED A MAN IN MAY. I STILL LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL BUT HE HAS MORE VERBALLY MENTALLY ABUSED MY SPIRIT. THERE WAS NEVER A WE OR US ONLY WHAT HE WANTED ME TO DO FOR HIM. THERE WAS A JC ON AUG 30th WHO SPOKE SOMETHING IN THOSE LINES WHO LIVES NOT FAR FROM SEDALIA,MO. PASTOR. PLEASE GIVE US PEACE ON OUR HEARTS BECAUSE WE ARE SO MUCH ALIKE WHEN IT COMES TO FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER AND IF HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS WAYS TO JOIN A CHURCH SO THAT WE COULD BE ONE WITH GOD.

Reply

Jack Wellman October 13, 2014 at 8:40 am

I am so sorry KC. This hurts I know. I will most certainly pray for you. Jesus can give you peace. I cannot but I will say that God is the God of all comfort and He promises to never leave you nor forsake you. Let’s join in prayer for your husband to repent and see his sins because even a pagan king’s heart is in the sovereign hands of God (Prov 21:1).

Reply

Lane October 20, 2014 at 12:22 am

I have been separated on and off for 7 of my 13 years of marriage. I accept, confess, and repent all of the things that I have done to help this to be how our lives have been. My problem lies in that my wife does not want a divorce, she wont discuss with me how she thinks we can work toward a reconcilliation, she pays no attention to my life and contacts me only on rare occasion, and she keeps my kids from spending time with me.

I live in Texas and here the courts do not recognize separation as a legal status residency. That means I have absolutely no way to gain custodial rights to my children except by divorcing my wife. What does the Bible instruct me to do in thos case?

The Bible tells me to “raise my children to know His ways.” I do not believe my wife can do as she does under the guise of it being Biblical. In beleiving that in my mind I am not teaching my children Gods way by allowing this to go on. I am caught between doing what is right by God for my children and being unsure just what that is.

Anything you wish to enlighten me with is appriciated.

Reply

Jack Wellman October 20, 2014 at 2:37 pm

I am so sorry my friend. What a hard place to be in. You have been placed in a seemingly impossible situation. The Bible has no instruction for anyone to divorce except for adultery so I don’t know what to tell you. I can only say that when the impossible confronts us we must bring it to the God of the impossible. When there is nothing that we can do but pray, all we can do is pray. Let’s raise up others on this blog to pray for you sir and I will for sure. It is times like these that I feel so helpless. If you haven’t been legally divorced, how can the state prevent you from visiting with your children, whom you have a legal right still to see? Can you talk to your pastor about this? Maybe you can talk to the local District Attorney and seek his advice. There must be some legal way to do this.

Reply

Jack Wellman September 16, 2014 at 7:15 am

Lee, thank you and may God continue to be with you through this all. At times like these I feel completely helpless to help except in prayer. May God help you to endure this suffering.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Powered by sweet Captcha





Previous post:

Next post: