Reasons for Divorce: What Does the Bible Say?

by Jack Wellman on October 29, 2011 · Print Print · Email Email

Are there acceptable reasons for getting a divorce?  What are not acceptable reasons for divorce?  What does the Bible say about divorce?  Are there biblical grounds for divorce?

Are There Acceptable Reasons For Getting a Divorce?

What are biblical reasons that are acceptable for divorce?  Some may reason that if there is violence in the family it is at least time to move out.  One reason to have a person separate themselves would be when a husband or wife is abusive to their spouse and also to their children.  There is no reason that a person should put up with this.  The first thing might be to move from that location and separate and hope that the abuser gets some counseling and help.  It is not lawful to abuse another person.  Sexual abuse of children is also against the law and should be reason to relocate immediately and the one doing the sexual abusing should be turned into the law.  No one should endure such abuse – God would not look down or think it sin if a person or a spouse’s children are being abused and they are removed from whoever is molesting the chiild.  They have every legal right to defend their children from this and to protect themselves and their children from this.

Marital infidelity, drug abuse, and non-support are also seriously considered for separating but since we know that God hates divorce, the person or couple should seek marital counseling (Malachi 2:16).  Of these, ongoing sexual immorality, that is divorce,  is a biblical reason.  Finding a good Christian counselor is a good first step.  As a former Mental Health Case Manager, I have seen the damage done to women and children – and even some men – and it destroys lives and the ability to trust again.  Some carry lifelong scars from things that occur in homes that are unspeakable.  You can forgive others but you can not ever undo something that leaves its mark for life.

Reasons For Divorce

What are the Reasons For Divorce?

What Are Not Acceptable Reasons For Divorce?

I have heard many reasons about people seeking and getting divorces – even among Christians.  The reasons are many but none of these are acceptable to God:

“I fell out of love with my wife/husband.”

“I just don’t have anything in common with her/him anymore”

“My husband/wife just doesn’t love me anymore.”

“This just can’t be God’s will for my life anymore.”

“We are incompatible.”

“He/she lied to me before we got married.”

“It wasn’t really genuine in ‘God’s eyes’”.

“They would be happier without me.”

“I would be happier without him/her.”

There are dozens more that are not listed here but none of these that are mentioned are acceptable and only those mentioned in the Bible are acceptable reasons for divorce.  This does not counting abuse or unrepentant, ongoing sexual immorality.  The Bible says it is sin to divorce unless you have biblical grounds for it, which will be mentioned at the bottom of this article.

What Does the Bible Say About Divorce?

Clearly God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) because “What God has joined together, let man not separate . . . I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (Matthew 19:6, 9). Jesus said that, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12).  Being unequally yoked with unbelievers was mentioned prior to marriage but God is just as clear that divorce is not permissible just because one is not a believer and the other is not.

Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12-13).  There are many such marriages where a spouse is a believer and married to an unbeliever but this is not grounds for divorce. In fact, the believing spouse may lead such a life as to bring the unbelieving spouse to faith in Christ.  First Corinthians chapter 7 is an excellent overview of marriage and sexual relationships for the single believer.  Here Paul lays down the command “for all churches” to continue living and being married to the unbeliever.  First Corinthians 7:17, 20 says, “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”

If a husband or wife dies, then that person can remarry and not commit adultery, which is what Paul was specific about in I Corinthians 7:39, “A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.” So the unbelieving spouse can remarry but it must be to a believer as to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  If a spouse is married to an unbeliever Paul writes, “If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? ” (I Cor 7:12-14, 16). This is an amazing passage of Scripture.  Paul says that it is possible – in fact it has happened many times – that an unbelieving spouse comes to faith in Christ by the believing spouse.

Paul clarifies it by saying, “…if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace” (I Cor 7:15).

Are There Biblical Grounds For Divorce?

There are biblical grounds for getting a divorce and it is ongoing, unrepentant adultery.  Some believe if there is physical abuse against a spouse and physical or sexual abuse of the spouse’s children that is never resolved, they may divorce.  That is a person’s decision after they counsel with a pastor or Christian marriage counselor.  At the least they should move out immediately and report this to the police.

Sexual immorality or adultery that is unrepentant and ongoing is reasonable before God’s eyes for permitting a divorce.  Jesus said that, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife [and husband of course], except for sexual immorality, makes her [or him] the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Matt 5:37. 19:9). Adultery is breaking a serious commandment (Ex 20:14). But if the adultery and sexual immorality committed by the sinning spouse stops and they repent, then there should be every chance given to the person to forgive them (Mark 11:25, Luke 6:27-28).  God is all about forgiveness and we are told to forgive our brother or sister when they fall and want to be restored.

Divorce is a last resort but if there is no other choice and adultery persists with no signs of remorse, repentance, or change, then divorce is permitted.  God hates divorce but He would not expect a married person to remain married to a spouse that remains in an adulterous situation.  It is hoped that there is always room for repentance, counseling, and reconciliation – but if it doesn’t occur, and sexual sins outside of marriage persist, the victim of such a marriage is not bound by the law and God would not call that sin.

Do you have something you want to add on this topic? Please share it in the comments.

Sources

The Holy Bible, New International Version

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 



Share this post:  |  |  |  | Twitter

{ 1915 comments… read them below or add one }

yvette May 9, 2014 at 7:16 pm

QUICK UPDATE:
After being gone for a little over 2 years my husband came home! It was very sudden and unexpected. We had been spending weekends together for the past 2 months and I had resigned myself to the fact that this was the way we were going to live for the rest of our lives. BUT GOD was working behind the scenes an actually used us discussing our relationship and why things went bad to bring my husband home. He was not repentant and was actually blaming me for everything but God allowed me to hold my peace and zip my lips while he talked. When he finished I simply asked him If he would forgive me and he jumped up and hugged me and said yes! He went and got his clothes and was back at home that same night!! I was in a state of shock! God is awesome! I believe fasting along with prayer was the catalyst to this sudden turn around. Please, please do not give up, I almost did because at times it seemed that nothing would ever change. Pray and trust God, He will do it in His time, we just have to wait on Him! I hope this encourages someone. Be blessed!

Reply

Jack Wellman May 9, 2014 at 7:42 pm

This is just so encouraging my friend. I thank God for this testimony and the glory goes to God for What He has done and I pray, for what He will yet do. Praying and trusting too my friend. I thank God for you Yvette that you have not given up and so this is such an encouraging account for what you have endured and it gives hope to others I pray to never give up on marriage. It is worth praying for, fasting for, and trusting in God for!

Reply

Tom May 9, 2014 at 11:14 pm

That’s what I’m talking about! Stand, pray, fast and don’t ever give up! Purpose in your heart that the devil WILL NOT WIN! Please continue to pray for myself and other Standers that are waiting against all kinds of circumstances for their suddenly! God bless. You are a women of God’s own heart.

Reply

Ran Otsay July 22, 2014 at 8:44 am

Yvette,

It’s so refreshing to hear your story of reconciliation! I think the whole haven rejoices with you!

Now your family is back, what is the next step? God wants our family to glorify his name. God wants us to tend his lambs. God want’s his disciples to complete the great commission.

I hope you will not just stop there with your own family, but build other families up in the church to glorify God’s name.

Reply

TLP May 14, 2014 at 11:58 am

Hello Pastor Wellman,
My husband is a Pastor and I am a minister. He currently pastors a church. He tells me often that he wants a divorce and he believes that is best for the both of us. He tells me that he is not in love with me. There are no biblical grounds for us to divorce. And we have a 3 yr old child together. He told me today he is dying spiritually. I told him that is because his heart is hardened and he will not allow God to help him with our marriage. He doesn’t pray with me, he doesn’t want to go out and spend quality time with me. He also told me he puts all of his time into the church because it relieves him of stress. He has told me he will not go anywhere with me other than church events. He can be very rude and uncaring. The congregation knows and sees that we are having problems. God is showing me that he wants to help us, but my husband is going against the word of God by wanting this divorce and not loving me the way the word of God told him too. Now I am not perfect and I take ownership for all that I have done, and I have repented to God and my husband, but my husband will not say he is sorry for the way he neglects me. I am confused. I want out of the marriage, but I don’t want to disappoint God and I know our son is going to suffer. Please advise. I also told him to write you but he refuses to. He would rather talk on the phone. I am at the end of my ropes but I am holding on by a prayer. Thank you TLP

Reply

Jack Wellman May 14, 2014 at 12:31 pm

Hello TLP. I am so sorry for your situation but this husband of yours seems to have no fruit of a regenerated heart or being born again (Read 1 John chapter 3 & 1 Cor 13, Rom 12). He has no grounds, biblically for a divorce, but as I learned from experience, and not just from my seminary professors, pastors and in fact husbands and wives first earthly ministry is always to our families. It is God first, family next, then the church lastly. I think we can only pray for the Holy Spirit to convict this man of his great sins and to me, he is going to disqualify himself from being a pastor according to the biblical qualifications (e.g. 1 Timothy 3:1-7 & Titus 1:6-9) about which he isn’t doing any of these that God demands from a pastor. I would say to fight for this marriage and perhaps for the salvation of this man (who may be a tare and not wheat) and there are false converts including behind the pulpits. He is risking the judgment of God and ruining this church but if he divorces you, fight it but you cannot likely stop him, but I would not be the one to initiate it because if you divorce him, then you have sinned since there are no grounds, biblically.

Your husband says that “he is not in love with me” but he has no idea what love is. Love is not a feeling but it is a choice, it is an action, a verb, and what you do. Do you think Jesus felt in love with the idea of going to the cross? No, He prayed 3 times to have that cup pass from Him but He displayed what true love is (agape) by dying for us while were were His enemies and sinners not worth saving (Romans 5). If he refuses to write to m or counsel or apologize then this shows me his heart is either hardened and God is going to judge this man or he is not saved at all and his end will be so hard as to not even imagine (Rev 20:11-15), Let’s pray for him and then leave it up to God.

Reply

Susan Seinen May 19, 2014 at 2:39 am

I have been divorced since Nov. 2012. I was married for 25 abusive years; some physical abuse, but I could hold him accountable for that… It was the emotional abuse that made me finally file for divorce. After filing for divorce, I found out that my husband was unfaithful while on a business trip. Apparently, he had sex with a prostitute. He told our grown children that he was drunk. I filed for divorce because of abuse. He did not beat me weekly, but when he treated me poorly and I tried to hold him accountable, I was either punched, slapped, or kicked. We both grew up in “Christian” homes and went to the same church. My children witnessed the abuse and now my sons have no concept of how to treat their wives or girl friends. My husband also abused my oldest son, but after I left, my husband went to the oldest son and convinced him that I was bitter and unforgiving. There are so many more details about my marriage, separation, and divorce that it is impossible for me to tell you, via an e-mail, but the lack of understanding or knowledge about emotional abuse within the church community has truly affected most of my relationships – extended family members, friends, and members of the church. I have been judged unfairly and I have been made me to feel like the abuser and my husband the victim. During the settling of the divorce, my ex-husband became a deacon. (I have since gone to another church) My ex-husband was not honest about the finalizing of the divorce, but when I went to the pastor and an elder, I was told it looked like a legal matter, so I took him to court. (The judge found my ex guilty and he was ordered to pay me what he owed me – child support) My ex-husband continues to be a deacon even though the pastor and elder know he was found guilty. I am truly discouraged about the “operating” of this “Christian” church. I am discouraged about witnessing to others because of my disappointment with this church. I am a believer! I love the Lord! I am so discouraged! Recently, I fond out that my ex is having an “affair” with a married woman. I don’t think anyone in his church knows, but many in the small town that I live in knows. (Non-Christian community knows) My ex continues to be a deacon. How can a non-Christian in my community ever want to go to church and learn about God with all of this going on? I am discouraged!

Reply

Tom May 19, 2014 at 9:40 am

Hi Susan,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Don’t be discouraged. God is our healer and our refuge. He can make every crooked path straight. People can and will let us down, but God never will. The Church is a place to learn and to have fellowship, but your relationship with Jesus is not determined by a “Church” or “Religion”. It is a personal relationship between you and Him. That is what you are witnessing to when you share the love and forgiveness of our Lord. As far as your ex-husband and the church… We are witnesses, but the Lord is the judge. He will deal with the hearts of those living in sin. Prayer is our weapon. So I say Pray, for your ex, the pastor, and the church. God Bless you and I’ll keep you in my prayers as well. Tom.

Reply

Jack Wellman May 19, 2014 at 10:20 am

Hello Mrs. Seinen. Your husband, according to the Bible is no more qualified than an unsaved person. Why this church allowed this is beyond me. This church may be one of those who are preaching another gospel. A deacon is supposed to be a man who has his own house in order and I feel this church is not biblical. I feel sorry for this church for they are not doing what churches are supposed to be doing biblically. You asked “How can a non-Christian in my community ever want to go to church and learn about God with all of this going on?” I would say that this man sounds like a false covert and may hear some very terrifying news from Jesus someday (Matthew 7:21-23) but you will hear “Well done thou good and faithful servant.” Pray for this man that he repents and then trusts in Christ as Savior for Jesus said that you will know them by their fruits and his fruits are of the Devil. His future is bleak right now (Rev 20:11-15) but yours is not. Live with the end in mind for your reward is coming and his judgment is as well so pray for this man’s soul. He will spend an eternity of regret but not so with you. Trust God, leave vengeance with Him, all will be made right someday.

Reply

Michelle May 21, 2014 at 10:42 pm

Hi, I have a question. This is actually not for me, it’s for my sister.
It is a complicated situation.
My sister married long time ago with non Christian man. They have 2 kids. He got involved in drugs, so she left him. Many years later, she re-married with a Christian man who is also divorced. They’ve been married for 4 years now. They’re struggling right from a start. When they were married, my sister and her husband just got closer to God.

Their problems: her husband visits his kids at his ex’s wife everyday since they’re together, although he said there is nothing between him and his ex anymore but as a wife, it’s hard for my sister to accept it, her husband don’t love my sister’s kids, and the real problem now is that he has no job and he didn’t try to find a job, he sleeps all day and my sister works day and nights. She gave him a chance and asked him to find a job and all that. They fight everyday because of money, it’s probably ok for my sister if she sees that he is trying to find a job but he didn’t even try and many excuses. He used God as his weapon. He said he’s waiting for God to show the way, waiting and waiting. The kids live in unhappy home. My sister’s kids live with them and they don’t like their step father as he is not caring to them either.

My sister left him recently. Is this ok?
Can she divorce him? They were married in front of God after their both divorce from their ex es.

Thank you.

Reply

Jack Wellman May 22, 2014 at 9:47 am

Thank you Michelle for your question. It is a complicated situation but the woman your sister married may be a false convert as he uses God as an excuse or a weapon as you said. I would pray for this man to repent of his sins and if not already, that he needs to trust in Christ. I suggest your sister talk to her pastor right away. They fight? After reading this, there are no biblical grounds for divorce at all. God never promises happiness in this life but joy and eternal life and true happiness is not a condition of being saved nor does God promise this. She has no grounds for divorce and to divorce him would be sin. Your sister leaving him is not okay. You said your sister’s husband has nothing going on with his ex so this is not grounds for divorce either. My first suggestion is always to talk to your pastor or for her to do the same thing. Since she was married “in front of God” and there are no grounds for divorce, she must be praying for her husband, as I suggest that you do the same thing to have this man repent and come to saving faith for he doesn’t sound saved (read 1 John 3, 1 Cor 13, Rom 12) and she could and you could fast and pray together for him. I know this isn’t going to satisfy you or your sister but we must obey what the Bible says and not what we feel or think. Does this make sense?

Reply

Allie May 26, 2014 at 11:05 am

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months and he moved out of our home after several arguments about. Where we should live . I have apologized several times even begged him to come home and he asks for a divorce. He says he will file once he gets the money but that was over 6 months ago. We only speak when I call but I am working hard to keep the lines of communication open and rebuild our relationship but he has made it clear he doesn’t want it. When we speak we have great conversations and he has said that part of him is unsure if divorce is the right thing but he doesn’t have the energy to rebuild and needs to focus on himself. I am exhausted and considering filing for divorce myself. Should I file to get the peace I need or wait?

Reply

Jack Wellman May 26, 2014 at 11:25 am

Hello Allie. I so admire your fight to keep this marriage alive and I know that God is please for this. Keep fighting for this marriage. The fact that he is unsure and that he doesn’t want it must be encouraging to you. Don’t give up. Don’t file for divorce yourself for there are no biblical grounds from what you have said to me. Talk to your pastor and have the saints in the local church pray for him and for you even if it is for an “unspoken need.”

Reply

Allie June 2, 2014 at 8:21 pm

Thank you Jack I will continue to pray on for God’s guidance.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 8:50 pm

Allie, knowing our loyal readers here, I imagine you have more people than just me praying for you my sister in Christ.

Reply

Tom May 26, 2014 at 12:09 pm

Allie,

Please don’t give up. I was in your exact place 2 YRS ago and I have watched God work miracle after miracle in the restoration of my marriage. And He will do it for you too. I know it’s hard but it will be worth it. Pray a hedge of thorns (in Hosea) and The Armor of God over your husband everyday. Remember what God’s word says, you and your husband are now “one flesh” and “Let no man tear apart what God has joined together.” Besides are we gonna let the devil win? Hell no!!! God Bless and fight on!

Reply

Allie June 2, 2014 at 9:30 pm

Thank you Tom you don’t know how this lift my spirit and encourages me.

Reply

Holly June 2, 2014 at 7:43 am

I have a friend with three children who has recently separated from her husband who she claims has been physically and emotionally abusive. We meet every Tuesday for a bible study but generally end up talking about her situation. She feels attacks by our pastor who from what I can see has spoken biblical truth to her. I had made up my mind to be supportive of her but the more I hear her story the more red flags go up. And she talks poorly of our pastor which I cannot take any more of. I know what the bible says about grounds for divorce and will stand by and defend that. My question is how can I discuss this with my friend in a loving and no threatening way. She says she feels peace about it but I know what lies ahead for her. I’m afraid I’m going to lose a friend over this which might be ok if it’s over defending scripture. What do I do?

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 2:53 pm

Holly, thank you so very much my friend for your courage in speaking up to your friend. I think that by her speaking poorly of the pastor is a red flag. I think of Korah who spoke out against Moses and others who did the same, and it did not end well for them and it may not for her either. When we criticize the pastor, we are really criticizing God Who has placed him there in His sovereignty that was His will and good pleasure to do so and so when she speaks ill toward him she it speaking ill of God’s sovereign plan and will for that church. Maybe she hasn’t thought of that. What she says that in saying “she feels peace” she is putting human emotions and feelings above what the Word of God says and God’s Word never changes and is without error as for human feelings, they are highly unreliable, often unbiblical, and full of error. I am afraid you must risk her friendship and speak to her in truth for what is more loving…not doing or saying anything but trying to persuade her from Scripture? Of course the most loving think you can do is speak the truth and then let God, the Holy Spirit convict her for only God can change the human will and heart (Prov 21:1) but He often uses brothers and sisters in doing this. Use Scripture, stand firm, risk a friendship for truth’s sake, pray the Spirit convicts her of her sin and then back off…and leave the rest of up God for that is all you can do and leave the rest up to God. See if your own pastor agrees with this…I think he will and I will pray as well my friend. Thanks Holly for caring for this wayward sister in Christ.

Reply

Tom June 2, 2014 at 4:40 pm

Agreed. We must always lead with Truth. If the truth offends a prideful spirit, then you know for sure that you are on the right course. :)

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 4:51 pm

Thanks Barnabas…no, no, Tom. I get you two mixed up because you both are always so encouraging! :-)

Reply

Holly June 2, 2014 at 5:33 pm

So this is a season of confrontation for me apparently! You just gave some awesome advice about my friend with three kids wanting to divorce and speak bad of our pastor which I thank for and will put it into practice. The question I have this time is in regards to being respectful of and honoring parents. I have searched scripture and online resources about how to confront parents and I haven’t been able to clearly see or understand what is appropriate. My parents are Christians yet have no fruit and a marriage that needs Jesus to take over. How do I as their “child” (I’m 34 with two kids of my own) confront them about such things? Is it the same as confronting a friend or do you go about it differently? Thank you for answering previous question so quickly!! I appreciate any advice you offer!!

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 5:53 pm

Holly, I am so proud of your effort to ensure that a person is soundly saved. Jesus said that you shall know them (provides evidence or proof of) by their fruit. No fruit or bad fruit shows that they are truly not abiding in the vine. I have most of my family that say “I’m Christian” yet they show no evidence, no willingness to be part of the Body of Christ, the church (this is disobedience, e.g. Heb 10:23-25). We are to honor our parents, as you said, even if they are old. One way we honor them is to show them that we love them and love sometimes offends in order to, as Tom said, humble them because the most loving thing we can do is to tell them the truth. The truth sets you free or it makes your really mad. The Word of God comforts the afflicted but afflicts the comfortable. 85% of Americans say that since they are a good person they’ll go to heaven. This is contrary to what the Bible says…we are all sinners, we have the wrath of God abiding on us still (Rom 5; John 3:36) I would ask you to either follow this patter at the link provided and is the way that Jesus, Paul, Peter and the church did evangelism. We do this so that they won’t hear Matt 7:21-23 someday. Either print this article off, particulary at the bottom where it gives people the “good person” test at:

http://jackwellman.blogspot.com/2010/10/hells-best-kept-secret.html

You could also mail it to them. Jesus said that the gates of hell would not prevail against the church. There are no solo Christian acts in the New Testament church, ANYWHERE! Do this in love. As I said before with your friend, you may have to offend to soften their hearts. Soft words produce hard hearts but hard words produce soft hearts. Use Scripture, stand firm, risk a friendship for truth’s sake, pray the Spirit convicts them of their sin and then back off…and leave the rest of up God for that is all you can do and leave the rest up to God. Do it only one time and then wait upon God. Ask them to read Matthew 7:21-23 and ask them if that concerns them? Jesus said that MANY will say on that day Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.” The Word of God is like a sharp two-edged sword. It needs to cut in order to heal! Let me know what you think of the evangelistic nature of the article. This method used by Jesus works with “fruitless” Christians who may be false converts (or tares among the wheat), it works with Mormon’s, Jehovah Witnesses’, Atheists, Muslims, Jews, Agonistics….will pray God softens there heart but be prepared to and risk offending for their eternal souls are just too important not to!

Reply

mel June 2, 2014 at 8:50 pm

My husband separated from me the end of February.
He has no desire to reconcile and is intent on divorce. I’ve prayed and prayed that God would restore our marriage, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. It’s so difficult not to feel despair and hopeless.
I’m working on my relationship with the Lord and will continue to pray for a miracle. Please pray for our marriage to be restored. I believe God can soften my husband’s hardened heart.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 8:58 pm

Mel, I am so very sorry to hear this. I will pray for that miracle and you are praying exactly the right way for only God can change the heart (Prov 21:1) and that is what I will pray for. I admire your desire to save this marriage and the greatest victories are those which seemed impossible and God does the improbable. Yes, God can soften his heart and your best, most effective means is what you are already doing. Please any brothers or sisters still subscribed to this, please join with us in behalf of Mel who is pleasing God by striving to save this marriage out of an obedient heart.

Reply

Allie June 2, 2014 at 9:37 pm

I will pray for Mel and her husband as I am in the same situation but I know that God can turn any situation around. God bless you Mel

Reply

Jack Wellman June 2, 2014 at 9:38 pm

Thanks Allie….love how we can all join together at the throne of heaven by Jesus’ giving us access and praying for one another.

Reply

mel June 2, 2014 at 9:44 pm

Thank you Allie and Jack for your prayers.
My husband has had no contact with me and my teenage daughter since we moved out in February. We’re using attorneys for any communication, and it is only about the divorce. Very heartbreaking.

mel June 2, 2014 at 9:48 pm

Allie, I’ll be praying for you too. Every time I think about giving up hope and think I should stop praying, I feel so convicted and get a very strong feeling that’s not the right thing to do. So I resume praying for our marriage. It just feels so hopeless anymore.

Reply

Allie June 11, 2014 at 3:28 am

Holly please don’t lose hope. I am still praying for you and you all’s prayers for me nourish my spirit and keep me going. We can’t let the devil take our families. I am walking and praying with you and I know God is working on our situations.

Tom June 4, 2014 at 12:54 am

You’ll keep on saying it… My wife filed for divorce and when it seemed impossible God began to soften her heart and restore our marriage. But I had to submit to Him first. Fully. He is the way maker. It would take hours for me to tell you about all the miracles I have experienced over the last 2 1/2 years. As Christian spouses we have to choose to stand for our marriage and remember what is important. Successful marriages are built by 2 great forgivers. :-) Fight on and when things get rough just ask yourself, Am I gonna let the devil win? HELL NO!

Reply

Tom June 4, 2014 at 12:57 am

Correction *** I’ll keep saying it. :-)

Reply

Erik June 4, 2014 at 11:22 am

Jack (et all),
I have written in before, my wife and I married in Aug. 2013 after over a 1.5 yr dating/engagement. Our dating/engagement was full of turmoil and problems. My wife exhibits many characteristics of Borderline-Personality Disorder and within 2 weeks of our marriage she kicked me out of the house and we have been separated since. In the past 8 months we have managed to come together about 4 or 5 times but never lasting more than a weekend before she gets angry about something (usually wanting me to give her money so she can go clothes shopping or paying her bills) and kicks me out again. I was extremely excited when she finally agreed to seek counseling about 1.5 months ago; and thought I saw it having improvement, yet just the other weekend as we drove to church together she illustrated a story of how a friend of hers, got married to a US Citizen, had a baby in the US, then divorced her husband and won custody of the child, and was granted US Citizenship herself because the baby “needed her” as well as got the courts to say the husband had to provide over $1000/mo in child support {note: my wife is also not a citizen}. She then half-jokingly implied that the same would work for her. I dismissed it, believing that in the “language barrier” (which is ironically only ever there when it seems convenient for her to dismiss a comment she has said or to rationalize her being upset about something I have said) she did not intend for it to come across as it did. The next day, she again got angry (as is typical – Friday night & Saturday tend to go well then mid-day Sunday she “kicks me out” again for a few weeks) because I would not pay for a “vacation” she wanted because our finances are heavily strapped at the moment and she is due to have her income cut in half in the upcoming month.
I am at a loss… even our mentoring couple say they don’t see our marriage ever working out. Despite the evidences and proofs of her angry outbursts, her counselor and many others seem to dismiss them and say “I shouldn’t make her angry”. She consistently claims it is me walking away from the marriage, yet I have not lived with her at all before or since our marriage because she keeps saying the Condo is hers (which it is) and kicks me out. Counselors and Mentoring Couples have supported her in doing this stating that “separation is the best thing for us until we can learn to live together”. I don’t understand, nor find Biblical evidence that “Separation builds a family”. I always understood that “enduring the race wins it… not stopping amid field every time it gets to hard.”
In light of all that has been said and done (physical abuse from her towards me, countless lies told to nearly everyone in our social circle to the point most view me as a monster without any factual or substantiating evidences except her words and despite my substantiating evidences to the contrary – which most refuse to look at and then say I am the monster because I gather evidences against my wife, verbal and emotional abuses too numerous and consistent to even begin to go into detail about), I do not know what to do.
I have always believed and encouraged others to “ride the storm and believe in God”, yet I am finding this harder and harder to do myself. I keep hearing a “little voice” in my head stating, “if she doesn’t want to be saved by Christ or accept her responsibility to Him and you, there is nothing that you or God can do about it.” I know God can’t force her to accept Him or her vows of marriage. Did I make a mistake in believing that my love for her, God’s love for her reflected through me, could change our hearts and thus provide an opportunity for a joyous life in marriage? We are both 42, neither of us ever married. I have wanted a family ever since I was a child, and thought God led me into this marriage; but now I question if it was just my will instead of God’s will. Have I sinned against God in marrying her and not heading the council given before our marriage that it wasn’t wise? Am I doomed now to the consequence of never experiencing the joy of a family and marriage because I chose to believe in the miraculous blessing of God in families/marriages? And if I do divorce, shouldn’t I warn INS or someone that she has indicated that she may be intending to manipulate the legal system for residency and financial support through the birth of a Child to a US Citizen?
If I do report that, I feel it completely closes the door to any potential healing in the future for us and that scares me, because I in essence am saying God “can’t” fix this… yet as I said… “what if He isn’t fixing this, because it wasn’t right to begin with?”
I need help… I need direction… I want to believe, yet the stack of reasons to walk away is larger than life and becoming more than I can bear. I cry to God to release me of the burden, yet it seems that just causes more confusion for me. How do I live a life as a “married-man” honoring his marriage, when I have “no wife to speak of” and the one I have makes every attempt to illustrate to others around us that in my “moving on and finding joy in the life I can live (not doing dishonorable)” demonstrates how it is “me” not being committed to making things work out.
I don’t know what to do… it has affected my work, my health, my spiritual relationship with God, my ministry ideas, everything… I just wish I could find peace and live a God honoring life and have a god honoring family… does God want me to accept I went astray and He will provide something better once I let go of this one, or is He saying “you made your bed, now lie in it”?

Reply

Jack Wellman June 4, 2014 at 12:13 pm

Erik, yes, it appears that you may have sinned by marrying someone that was not a Christian, that is if you knew it but did she decieve you into believing that she was one? Have you spoken with your own pastor over this? What did he say? I would speak to him right away if not already. No, there is no way a person can be foreced to believe in Christ or God cannot or will not force a person to believe…it is a choice up to them (John 3:16-17). That is the work of the Holy Spirit and the Father must draw or call that person first (John 6:44). We all have consequences of our choices and sins but God is a forgiving God. I know that you have done all you can do…pray, counsel (with your own pastor too?) and with conselors (were these counselor’s Christian counselors?) and Jesus said every one of us has a cross to bear, that in this life there will be trials and temptations and that we must show we love Him more than mother and father, brother and sister and spouse. I see no biblical grounds for a divorce. Is that what you are asking? This woman sounds like she is not saved and so we should pray for the Holy Spirit to convict her of her sins, to come to repentance, and trust iN Christ. She sounds lost because she has so much pride and God resists the proud and gives grace only to the humble. I see you may have to find another place to live for now so that you are not constantly getting kicked out. It sounds like the Enemy is trying to use your wife to bring you down. Whether He will prvoide something better once you let go? I don’t know what that means. Do you mean let go of this marriage? God alone knows the future, pray for this woman’s soul for she faces a terrible eternity without CHrist someday (Rev 20) but not so with you (Rev 21, 22). Live with the end in mind, pray for God to convict and convert her heart (Prov 21:1) which He can do, talk to your pastor, find a different home, give her time alone and leave the results up to God and rest and trust in Him (Psalm 37).

Reply

Erik June 4, 2014 at 1:09 pm

Yes Jack these were Christian Counselors (through our Church). I have tried numerous times to talk to our Pastor both before and during our marriage – his response is always “I’ll pray for you, but cannot ‘tell’ you nor her ‘what to do or not do.’” We both (or she does because I feel unwelcome and ostracized due to her flagrant lies and convincing of others that she is “the victim” with very few even desiring to look at the truth of her statements – and those that have all state it’s best to leave her because of the intensity and pride she has in her lies) attend a prominent mega-church in the DC area. I have resolved to just watching the sermons online and on occasion going to a different campus.
I questioned her relationship with God just before our marriage (even my mom when she came out for the wedding and found out my wife had beat me black & blue in the face just 2.5 weeks prior to our wedding during one of her outbursts). My wife insisted (with tears) that she was sorry and begged me and my mom for forgiveness and that I continue with the wedding and that she would seek help after. Yes, she finally started seeing a counselor about 1.5 months ago; only after the mentoring couple and several others told her they were losing respect for her and believed her less because she had made the promise several times after the wedding yet had still failed to go. With what little information has been passed along since her seeing a counselor, it is quite evident she is not truthful with the counselor and has even outright admitted that she does not see value in “all of what the counselor says”; thus only is doing it to keep people off her back. I have been living separately (renting a room 20 miles away) since our marriage. If I stay for even 2 nights (at her invite) she then claims I owe her “rent” for the month. She has since gotten another roommate and wants that if we come back together that it would still be with her roommate (female) in the other room so that she can have “more money”.
Like I said before… I do not know if I sinned or not in marrying her. I prayed so hard so often before our marriage if it was the right thing to do. I thought it was as I was constantly encouraged to hang in and be the example through scripture and my understanding of it; yet now, I question if it wasn’t my ideals “of being loving and forgiving – wanting a family so badly – wanting to be Christ honoring” that I was justifying marrying her or not.
I never thought in a million years I would be one that could consider divorce, yet here I sit… the thought and desire to be rid of this emotional and spiritual hurt… desiring to just move on, let her go (divorce), reveal her nature to the proper authorities to protect the future innocent (another unsuspecting but Christ driven man and potential child), and once and for all dumping the 1000+ text messages, voicemails, emails, etc. for all to see the truth of who she has been and is. Then within these same thoughts are of how Christ did not give up on me 2000 years ago, how I have made other mistakes and He has brought me back with His mercy and forgiveness and how I desire to be like Him. Another trusted friend (Christian-Psychologist) has suggested though that 1) I was “brought back” suggesting I had Christ in me initially and had a desire to be connected with Him; my wife has not displayed that to be evident for her. 2) Christ wishes for us to have life and have it abundantly with joy, there is no “joy” in allowing one’s self be abused or cling to something that should have never been. His advice is to get the divorce and accept God’s forgiveness for having married without His blessing and super-implanting my desire and will over His.
Yet, as I stated to him and here… How do I testify and minister of the amazing power and hope to be had in trusting God, if I do not trust Him now? And, at the same time, How do I accept forgiveness if I stay in a marriage that I shouldn’t have ever entertained? I feel stuck between two rocks… “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” sort of thing.
Thanks Jack… I hope my situation is helpful to others who may be where I am.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 4, 2014 at 1:50 pm

Erik, your “Christian” counselor said his “advice is to get the divorce and accept God’s forgiveness for having married without His blessing and super-implanting my desire and will over His” does not sound Christian at all. God hates divorce. We should fight from our knees with every ounce of our strength, fasting and praying for this woman being saved. Refuse to go and stay with her for a couple of days. Let the time alone give her time to reflect about her sinful activities. “Accept God’s forgivness for having married without His blessing?” It sounds as if you have already asked for His forgiveness for this and so why would he tell you to do this again? That is unnbiblical because “If we confess our sins to God He is just and faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteouness” (1 John 1:9) and so why keep asking for forgiveness. This verse doesn’t say “If we confess our [same] sins [over and over] to God He is just and faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteouness” but forgiveness of a sin is given and then we don’t need to keep asking. You are between a rock and a hard place so make this being between THE Rock (Christ) and a hard place (this life) and try to imagine the future (Rom 8:18, 28) and leave the results up to God for there is precious little else you can do. When we are at the end of our ropes, there is God waiting for us.

Reply

Erik June 19, 2014 at 11:44 am

Jack (et all),
Let me begin by humbly thanking each and everyone of you who have prayed and suffered and attempted to encourage via this site to the many souls afflicted by the trials of marriages and the desire to see the covenant of marriage to be honored.
While I admit I haven’t been so diligent in praying for everyone else here as greatly as I pray for restoration/remediation/reconciliation in my marriage, I have tried to keep each of you in mind collectively and pondered on the wonderful insights and sorrowful experiences others are and have faced and shared here.
I am personally finding that as things continue to have an appearance of a negative outcome in my marriage, I am increasingly becoming more and more agitated and frustrated in other experiences in my personal life as well that have similar characteristics of the failures in my marriage (the key one being lack of communication).
Like many of you I am sure have experienced, our spouses whom we care so deeply for seem to be distant, non-communicative, non-empathetic and non-compassionate to our fears and hurts and desires to rebuild that element of trust which we had for them on our wedding day. In my own experience, this is compounded by Counselors, Clergy, Mentors and the like, encouraging “separation (physical and verbal)” and what feels like passive-accreditation of my wife’s behavior and attitude. There seems to be an overwhelming desire to not directly confront her with the lies, accusations, abuse, etc. she has engaged in; rather, instead a non-verbal acceptance of her behaviors and rationale. Instead of challenging her to set aside anger and embrace Christ and openly engage in couples-marital-counseling, they continue to support her claims of hurt and vile actions of anger as “justifiable” because of her claim of “hurt” (regardless if it has any truth behind it or how fabricated it may be). Conversely, I am told of how my pressure and desire to see stronger encouragement tactics used to expose the truth to her (and me), encouragement to resolve conflicts in a mediated setting with a counselor or clergy member, is my “arrogance” and “inability to accept that things are over” or should be because of the hurt it is causing for both of us. They continue to encourage separation and engage in dismissing any desire I have of re-establishing communication because “she expresses ‘I’m done with him!’”
An article in the Wall Street Journal (I know not biblical source – but none the less biblically supportive) is about how “The Silent Treatment” is detrimental to any relationship most especially marriages. I encourage anyone else faced with this type of frustration to read it and also hope that if introduced into your attempts at reconciliation efforts, provides insight for both you and your spouse and those who would provide counsel to you.
I also ask for your continued prayers. Everyday I wake up, I set in my mind that today is not the day I am going to give up finally and begin living the life I desire by calling the divorce lawyer and filing for a divorce, so that I can start afresh. Instead I try to tell myself (a prayer of expectancy) I am going to await the greatness of God to appear and today will be the day that God touches her heart in such a way that she is overwhelmed with the love He and I have for her. Each night I go to bed and attempt to tell myself, “OK God, so it didn’t happen today, but I know it’s on the agenda/table for tomorrow.” After nearly a full year (10 months since our marriage and immediate separation) there have been a couple moments of hope, and yet with each diminishing hope, a feeling of being further than I was before, my faith is waning and my fear and doubt increase. I try to combat it by telling myself that it is the voice of the enemy and that God is not a God of fear and doubt; rather a God of hope, faith and peace; yet with each passing day the enemy’s argument seems to gain credibility.
I have a job in which I am being required to learn a great deal more complex things and requires my time to study as well as a new personal business venture requiring that I study and put time into nurturing; however, in the desire to seek peace I find myself fulfilling only the most minimal of tasks to make it through the day and spending the rest of the time in prayer and/or reading my Bible/meditating on the Word. I spend so much time in this effort that the rest of my life is suffering and thus creating even more stress.
I am in no means perfect, I get louder than some/most other people when I am excited and when I get agitated. I am working so hard and have come so much further than many have expected in the past 10 months of learning to temper this and yet, find that when I don’t have “control of my emotion” my ramp from minor agitation venting to major agitation venting has a much shorter and more hostile character. The longer and more supportive others seem to be of encouraging separation and lack of communication the more the frustrated I become.
I cry to God, “Why won’t you let your truth be known?” yet find myself increasingly being critical of my desire for restoration and impatient for His intervention and doubtful that He will intervene and that perhaps I am the one with the “problem” because I believe that there is a “reconciliation” to occur.
I welcome your prayers… I pray I have the strength, hope and faith to not let God and my beautiful bride down… but I am beginning to doubt even my ability to hear Him or be counted as “favored” in His eyes. The Bible says He doesn’t forsake or forget us… yet that’s exactly how I feel; not just by Him, but her and others as well.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 19, 2014 at 12:46 pm

Erik, what an inspiration you are to me and to others here my brother. With all you have been thru and are still going thru, you have persevered while many others in your situation would have long ago given up and hardened their hearts. I am so proud to call you brother and am not sure if I could endure what you are going thru and yes, you have my prayers for sure.

Reply

Billy June 5, 2014 at 5:43 pm

Me and my wife have been separated for 7 months. We have a 11 yr old son together and he stays with me. She had been and still is carrying on a adulterous affair.She has came home several times and cannot keep away from her lover very long. She has turned her back on God and I can’t keep letting her hurt me and my son. me and my son have recently started going to biblical counseling. My question is when do I draw the line. Shes come back and left so many times and when she is home we do not sleep together so were really nit together. I keep forgiving and praying. I’m to the point where i want to give up. So how long should I keep fighting the good fight?

Reply

Jack Wellman June 5, 2014 at 10:23 pm

Hello Billy and thank you sir for your question. What a hard place you are in my brother. Since this has been going on and on, I would tell her that you have biblical grounds for divorce and see what she says. I am so very glad you got biblical counseling. What was their recommendation? You know that we should always strive to save the marriage so just tell her that you are being forced to do something that you really don’t want to do and but have biblical grounds to do so. I am going to commit to pray for this woman for God is seriously angry at her over this as you can imagine. I see this has been going on for over half a year, right? Talk to her, tell her what she is forcing you to do and so see how she reacts. Have you thought about not letting her come back home unless she gets counseling?

Reply

Tom June 5, 2014 at 11:23 pm

Hi Billy,

You should never give up. Our greatest sacrifice for the love of Christ is to give up our life for the lives of others. And who, besides Christ, deserves our devotion more than our wife? And, I’m sorry, but I disagree about putting conditions on her return. If she didn’t want to be home, she would never come back. But the fact is, God is drawing her heart continuously back to her family. She needs you and your prayers. Stand in the gap for her soul and your family. The devil wants to steal them. Refuse to let the devil win! God bless and Fight on!

Reply

Anonymous June 10, 2014 at 11:12 am

I just found out my wife of 7 years has cheated on me 7 times, she has kissed 7 diffrent guys and allowed one to go down on her, she has appologized but it took me 4 times to get the whole truth out of her, i know jesus said we must forgive but how can i ever trust her again, i am so hurt but i want to do the right thing, i just dont know if i can stay married to her knowing that the foundation of trust is broken, would it be wrong of me to ask for a divorce?

Reply

Jack Wellman June 10, 2014 at 11:49 am

Thank you Anonymous. My friend, the good news is that your wife apologized. That is a good sign? How can you ever trust her again? How could Christ ever trust us since we still sin even after conversion (1 John 1:8,10) but Jesus said that we are to forgive others 7 time 70 (or really to infinity) so you must forgive her. As for trust, that will take time. Christ knows He can’t trust us yet He died for us while we were still His enemies and wicked sinners (Rom 5). You say you want to do the right thing…well, the right thing is to forgive her. Love her unconditionally like Christ does us. Save this marriage. Pray for her, forgive her, because God hates divorce. Fight for this marriage. It is worth fighting for and that IS the right thing to do.

Reply

Tom June 10, 2014 at 3:37 pm

Amen. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it will be worth it. What better opportunity to prove your total commitment, faithfulness and undying love to the love of your life. That is the depth of what Christ did for us and you will surely hear “Well done good and faithful servant”. Besides as I say… Are we gonna let the devil win? Hell No!! God bless and love on!

Reply

Jennifer June 12, 2014 at 11:06 am

Mr Wellman. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I was very sad this morning, I prayed for just a little relief of my angst, and you answered on the other article.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 12, 2014 at 12:33 pm

Jennifer, thank you so much for your encouraging comment. I do hope this does help and we have a lot of prayer warriors here on this website and no doubt, you have some praying for you, including me.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 12, 2014 at 12:34 pm

By the way, you can certainly call me Jack…pastor Jack…Hey you or whatever you wish. Thank you for your very respectful address to me as Mr.

Reply

Jennifer June 12, 2014 at 12:50 pm

Pastor Jack, again thank you! I am a sinner, I love God with all of my heart, my faith is strong. I’ve made so many bad decisions in my life that I’m now suffering the effects and can’t run away anymore. I’ve repented, sought the word of God, asked for forgiveness and been given deliverance oh so many times. The Lord is gracious to me even though I continually goof-up. Your replies and prayers mean more than you can know. I’m grateful for you.

Reply

Kylie June 18, 2014 at 5:46 pm

Brother Jack,
I am so confused.. My husband and I were married in 2011 and the moment it became official his whole personality changed.
I lost my way briefly which led to pre marital pregnancy. I repented in front of my church family and have since been closer than ever to God. I married my husband and eagerly took my role as wife and mother. As soon as life hit my husband he began to show this dishonest, manipulative side of himself that I had not known…it started with flirty emails to a girl just two days before we were married, then I discovered he was watching pornography. He denied all of this until physical evidence was brought to his attention. Then it progressively became worse. He is emotionally abusive and yells constantly, we have had a few counseling sessions and the therapist asked me why I haven’t left.
He spends all our bill money on gas station food and junk food to the point I can’t buy food for our son. He will eventually pay the bills but only after additional charges or a fight about it. I can’t go on like this, my son can’t take it when we fight but every time I try to openly communicate the issues he starts yelling and by the end he agrees but nothing ever comes of it. I have recordings of our conversations because he always leads people to believe I’m bossy and controlling. When I let him listen to the recordings he becomes so angry that i recorded the conversation that he misses the whole reason I did it in the first place.
He’s been scheduled twice now to be tested for bipolar disorder but he spends the co-pay money before the appointment each time. He’s asked me several times why don’t I just leave and I always explain that it’s against what God intends for marriage. When I have asked him before what he would do if I had left when he told me to he answered harm himself. I can’t let my son grow up like this, I don’t want to go against the will of God, I have prayed and prayed but I can’t live in a house full of anger and not expect it to harm my son. I was going to go to my pastor but in my husband’s attempt to prove he was changing he joined my church through baptism. I thought perhaps my prayers were answered but this whole week has been just like that old hate filled behavior. I’m so tired and just wish that I could see God’s plan a little clearer. I apologize for any errors…this was typed by phone to keep from setting him off. Also I know that I am not without blame, I have become hurtful with my words in response and have an anger and bitterness that I wrestle with daily when he is around. I ask for prayers so that I can remain the good Christian example to our son, but this is a new struggle for me and I’m scared it will change me. Thank you..

Reply

Jack Wellman June 18, 2014 at 6:01 pm

Hello Kylie. I am terribly sorry you are going through such a horrible marriage right now. As you probably know, there are no biblical grounds here for divorce so let me say this. I would still talk to the pastor about what this husband of yours says in public and in church but what he is like at home. Don’t bring your son to this but you must talk to your pastor soon and make sure that his wife or another person is present as a pastor should never counsel with a woman privately.

This man sounds like he is not saved and so we should pray for the Holy Spirit to convict him of his sins, to come to repentance, and trust in Christ. He sounds lost because he has so much pride and anger and there is no evidence of conversion at all from what you told me. I will pray for you and pray that God humbles this man thru circumstances because God resists the proud and but gives grace only to the humble.

God alone knows the future, so let’s pray for this man’s soul for he faces a terrible eternity without Christ someday (Rev 20) but not so with you (Rev 21, 22). Live with the end in mind, pray for God to convict and convert his heart (Prov 21:1) which He can do, talk to your pastor, and I know of many who are subscribed to this article that I can almost guarantee that they will be praying for you too….give it time, prayer, counsel with the pastor, and leave the results up to God and rest and trust in Him (Psalm 37). I wish I could help you more and these are times when I feel so helpless but when we are knocked down, we are already in the best position…of saying to God in prayer, “God I cannot do anymore, I leave this up to You for only You can work a miracle in this man’s life. God doesn’t help those who help themselves, God helps those who cannot help themselves. That is you right now.

Reply

Jennifer June 19, 2014 at 9:26 am

Kylie, I’m praying for you, I understand what you are going through, trust in your Heavenly Father who loves His precious daughter. Please meditate in His word, be in prayer constantly, allow Him to walk with you each step you take. I’m in a very similar situation, you cannot change your husband but you can know that our Lord is faithful and you can trust him to carry you onward. As, Pastor Jack wrote, many are praying for you right now, prayer is powerful and moves mountains, you are not alone! Jesus’s words in John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” are words to truly words to live and breathe. Please, take the words of Jesus into your heart, give it all over to Him and watch a transformation in your life. Your problems are not instantly swept away but the Lord will abide in you if you allow Him to abide in you. Trust Him. My heart is with you.

Reply

Deb S. June 20, 2014 at 6:33 am

My husband separated from me on Mother’s Day this year. I believe he made me think every thing was ok so that i would be alright with leaving town to see my mother.

There are no infidelity issues that I’m aware of. It would be easier to handle a situation like ours if that were the case.

I have sought counseling and treatment for this and many other personal issues I have. My husband has never gotten physical with me. But I’ve smacked him a handful of times when our arguments seemed to go no where. I’ve also been known to throw unresolved issues or mistakes from the past, back into the present argument. I know this was wrong of me and I’m working on my anger issues and pray for peace and forgiveness with all of that.

To be honest church just wasn’t been a part of our lives, not really, for a long time. For several years, early on in our relationship, we were very active in our church. It was great! But recently we fell under some financially hard times and he had to get a second job which made him stop going to church. So I in turn stopped going too…

My husband is a very closed off person. His heart is so hardened. I know he’s in a bad place with The Lord right now because he’s made comments of confusion and doubt in His ability to change hearts, change people, or to even turn around the most dire relationships. I’m sure he’s not talking this situation out with anyone. But if he is, it’s from friends who are giving him unGodly advice. And he’s avoiding his entire family.

Before my husband came to the conclusion to end our marriage, we had talked about marriage counseling and trying to work thing out. He said that we have a communication problem and he can’t express what needs to be said to me. He continued to tell me he lived me and agreed to all of this just a few days before he made up his mind to give up. And literally in 24 hours he changed his mind on that. I’m not sure what happened or if so something was said to him to push him over the edge and be so drastic in his decision.

I value my husband’s presence in my life. I hope for a continued friendship at the very least. I’ve known him for 9 years, all together we’ve been together for 7 years, and of those 7 we’ve almost been married for 3. all of our adulthood has been in a relationship with each other. We have a lot of history together.

He has no desire to reconcile and is intent on divorce. I’ve prayed and prayed that God would restore our marriage, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.
I will continue to pray for softened heart and for a miracle. Please pray for our marriage to be restored. I believe only God can soften my husband’s hardened heart.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 20, 2014 at 8:35 am

Hello Deb. I am sorry for this situation in your marriage. Yes, God can soften anyone’s heart (Prov 21:1) including your husbands but perhaps your’s needs it also because you said hat you’ve “smacked him a handful of times and throw unresolved issues or mistakes from the past, back into the present argument” and this certainly not soften your husband’s heart but make it harder. So ask God to soften your own heart too. There are no innocent parties here.

As you said, there are no biblical grounds for divorce and I am glad you want this marriage restored. I am glad you want to save this marriage and it is worth fighting for from our knees and others that read this article and comment are prayer warriors too and I feel they will join with us.

Reply

Erik June 20, 2014 at 10:54 am

Deb, Thank you for your honest comments. I can’t tell you how many times I have desired my wife to come to the place you are at of acknowledgement and desire to repent/reconcile. If you look above, you will see my story.
Today, I thought I would reach out to her and try to send something uplifting and encouraging, only to find my email address blocked. I can’t tell you how inside my heart tore into a million or more pieces as I realized with each passing hour/day she seems further and further away and the chances of us ever resolving are seemingly dimmer. I question if God even hears me or if there is any worth to the breath I keep telling myself to take… I yearn at times just wishing my heart would stop beating so I could shut my eyes once and for all. The pain is so unbearable at times.
But I didn’t write to you to tell you how miserable I feel, rather to maybe give you insight of where your husband may be, and again not to add to your sense of guilt, etc. rather a doorway to the empathy and compassion that you will need to hopefully gain him back. He is avoiding you right now because he is hurt, and if there has been a cycle of back and forth, he is lacking trust. He likely knows he is also responsible for many things and is wrestling with his own guilt. You don’t have to focus on “you” and “your pain” rather make it your number one priority to “focus on removing his”. Kind words, kind actions, if he does or doesn’t do/say something you want/expect him to, remember no matter what, you have to make sure he doesn’t get the impression “he has failed you” rather that you are there when he decides to “not fail himself”. This is my insight from someone on the receiving side. Keep up the counseling, go to church… that is most important! When you talk to friends and loved ones, always make sure that you don’t say anything bad about him or your relationship; rather make sure everyone walks away feeling and thinking, that you are doing all you can to identify “your problems” and how you have “hope” that you can “fix it” before you lose him completely. In other words, if he talks to someone, all they hear is how you love him and hope he finds grace and forgiveness for you and not condemnation for either of you.
As I said, I attempted to send my wife an email today and it came back as being blocked. I was just about to pick up the phone to call the lawyer to set an appointment to find out what I need to do to get a divorce… as I went to my Inbox to look for the email that had their phone number, I saw a message from Joel Olsteen… I hope it helps you… it gave me what I needed to not pick up the phone this very instant…
—-
Wait for It!
TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarry, wait for it…”
(Habakkuk 2:3, KJV)

God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you’ve tried and failed doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Don’t give up on those dreams! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God. No matter how long it’s been, no matter how impossible things look, if you’ll stay in faith, your set time is coming.

Remember, every dream that’s in your heart, every promise that has taken root, God put it there. Not only that, but He has every intention of bringing it to pass. Hold on to that vision today. Declare by faith, “My time is coming. God is working behind the scenes on my behalf. I will fulfill my destiny!” As you continue to hold on to that vision and speak life over your dreams, it won’t be long before you see them begin to take shape. You’ll see your faith grow, you’ll see your hope strengthen, and you’ll see yourself step into the destiny God has prepared for you!
—–

Reply

Loren June 22, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Pastor Wellman,

I really appreciated your article! However, I do have one question about a point you made. When you cited the factor of abuse in a marriage, it seemed that you only referred to physical abuse. Would you consider unrepented emotional, spiritual and/or verbal abuse as grounds for divorce as well? I have studied through the bible (Im no scholar, but just a Christian looking for answers….) and interpret that it may be a viable reason to divorce. But what would your profesional opinion be? Many thanks and may God bless you!

Reply

Jack Wellman June 22, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Hello Loren and thank you for your question. I believe that many good, solid, Christian pastors agree with you that physical abuse is grounds for divorce and I always defer to the person seeking counsel from their own pastor first and foremost because only he can know from counseling the intricacies of the relationship. Certainly, separation should occur in this case and I would most definitely turn the abuser into the police as they should pay for their crime and end up behind bars, if the judge deems it necessary. I have heard solid arguments on both sides to be honest and must say that each case is particular and no two situations are the same so I cannot dogmatically say yes or no. I know that there are some places where the physical abuse is seen as a breaking of the marriage covenant and the vows made before witnesses and God as the greatest witness of all. I agree with you that there are viable Scriptures to use to reach this conclusion but again, I must say that there are so many details that differ in each and every case and there are usually underlying or sometimes hidden things within such a relationship. I wish I could be more specific but no counselor that I know of can be specific where the specifics are not readily available, if you know what I mean Loren.

Reply

Loren June 22, 2014 at 2:55 pm

Also, I wanted to add (sorry, lots of questions!) if I could hear your opinion on a personal situation. Its very tied into the previous post I made. And I truly appreciate your time! I have been married for 2 years. However, my husband has refused to got to church since we got back from our honeymoon and moved to a different country. He tells me he “faked” his love of the Lord and church so he could get closer to me and be what he thought I wanted. Now he forbids me from church and says that all worshipers are evil and will poison me. I dont believe this at all, I believe no one is perfect and that the church should be a sanctuary for our “imperfections” where we can reflect on our perfect God. Needless to say, Ive considered divorce because my husband screams at me, curses at me, physically hurts our animals (because he says he doesnt want to go to jail if he beats me), breaks my possesions in fits of rage, and above all has refused marital counseling and pastoral intervention to repair our young marriage…My husband is pleasant under the conditions that Im cooking for him or willing to sleep with him. This has been consistent for 2 years. Im now in medical school on my way to becoming a doctor and I fear for my future spiritually and physically to have a weak marriage and a real career. My husband constantly mocks my career choice and says I will be a terrible mother because doctors work too much. He tells me he will hire a young foreign woman to take care of the future kids and meet his “needs” while I work and he stays home and that he wants a luxury BMW with my first paycheck. Im not materialistic and I feel depressed and like he sees me as a cash cow in his relaxed future. Pastor, I have sought personal counseling from a lovely female Christian psychiatrist when Im in town with my family (I go alone during the summer to visit) and have spoken with one pastor and two older women who are rooted in the Lord. Each have told me the same thing….that God would forgive me and that the Lord does not want me bound in a marriage full of hatred and abuse. Pastor, what do you believe on this matter? Thank you again and may God use your evangelism to reach and enlighten many. May the truth of the Word always shine brightly!

Reply

Rose June 23, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Hello everyone.
I commented in here 6 months ago. My husband of 7yrs had admitted to sexually abusing my daughter (his step daughter). I have fought for my marriage, my family. There is no other option in my life but to honour my marriage, honour my husband. Which means there will never be another man in my life. I will be the example to all who know me, the example of love, forgiveness, hope.
I have lost friends, family over my choice. But I know the work my Heavenly Father can do in people’s lives and I believe in a God who can restore and heal. Heal my daughter. Restore her. And who can rebuild my family.

I ask you all, brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray for my family. Tomorrow my husband will be sentenced. He has brought out the truth to me, to the authorities, at Gods urging. Here in my country there is a punishment which is called home detention where instead of prison, the offender is jailed at home for 12months. This is the sentence I would prefer, so our family is not broken up anymore than what it is.
There are 5 children, 4 live at home, the victim lives with her biological father, since the abuse allegations were made a year ago.
If my husband receives a prison sentence, I know God will use it for good. And we will have that time to work on other types of healing.
I want what God deems is best for us all in our situation.

Please pray God will fight for us on our behalf, as we fight the fight against separation.
My husband and I are both determined to do what God has planned us for. It’s a tricky path. But I know it will be worth it.

One report was such a blatant lie that we knew it was an attack! Our God is truth, and truth will set us all free. Not someone else perception which is led by lies and untruths.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 23, 2014 at 5:43 pm

Wow Rose, I am so very sorry. Count on my prayers…and anyone else still subscribed to this article PLEASE join with me for Rose. She is undergoing spiritual attacks from the dark side and so we know that God hears and answers our prayer and knows the truth and Rose, we know you well enough, even from this comment, that your heart is set to please the Lord and so we are praying on your behalf and your children and your daughter especially too for God’s healing and restoration. How tragic. What a godly, faithful woman of God you are and a God-pleasing wife and mother too. May God give you the strength and your family to endure this.

Reply

Rose June 24, 2014 at 6:12 am

A quick update, after some time of prayer and worship, with a priest whom is is working with us through CAP (Christians against poverty ) (not our usual pastor), my husband received a call, his case has been postponed due to a bereavement.
It was like a weight being lifted from our shoulders.
It feels like God is bringing this all into His timing. I have no idea why. But all I can see is His hand continuing to lead the way before me and my husband and our family.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 24, 2014 at 3:01 pm

Praise God Rose….oh, isn’t our God so good! So glad to hear this and its an answer to our prayers!

Reply

Tom June 24, 2014 at 6:07 pm

Woo hoo! Shoutin from the roof top! God is good.

Reply

Rose June 27, 2014 at 4:39 am

Brothers and sisters.
My husband was jailed today. 2yrs and 11months.
He will be eligible for parole in 1 year.

I stand for unity and not separation!

While I’m devastated, I look forward to the path of healing. And I know it will be a path for healing.

While time will drag along, and while me and 4 children will struggle missing our man of the house, I look ahead a year and see how stronger we will all.

In my grief, I praise our Father, through my tears I smile and lift my eyes to the heavens where I know my father is watching over me, next to me, holding me, and I praise him again for his blessings given to me.

Fight the fight for unity and not separation.

I thank all who have prayed for my marriage, my family.
How uplifted I feel, knowing I am not the only one standing firm on marriage, regardless of whatever evil, whatever sin is trying to tear us apart!

Reply

Leticia June 25, 2014 at 5:27 pm

Pastor Wellman,

After Reading your article I have a bit of a question regarding abuse. My husband has been verbally, physically and spiritually abusing me for 3 years. It started during our engagement but (he told me he was a believer, and I jumped into our marriage without a doubt or bringing him to my pastor…something I will forever regret not doing) I ignored it. He has broken my cell phone twice, thrown wine bottles at me, left me with bruises, cursed and yelled at my father (who was trying to calm him down), told me Im condemned to hell because my faith is false if I divorce him, and has not allowed me to go to church in years (he used the money from selling my car to buy himself a motorcycle and we live in a remote area) because he says all christians are false. Pastor Wellman I want a divorce so badly and have read the bible and its teachings. I know God hates divorce but I have prayed for my husband. I tell him my conditions are that he cease the abuse and that we should seek both individual and joint counseling. He has refused everything and is calm for a week after I mention separation but always (and I mean always, as Ive kept a journal) diverts back to the abuse once he gets comfortable again. Im fearful, my family is aware of his behaviour and begs me to separate. I dont know why I stay and Im clinging to my hope in the Lord…out of fear that I will be judged by God if I leave my marriage and terror at the possibility of living my earthly life with a man who sees me as a rag. I simply ask if you may pray for me that God will grant me wisdom to make the best choice. Thank you

Reply

Jack Wellman June 25, 2014 at 5:39 pm

Hello my sister in Christ, Leticia. I fear your husband is not saved at all. If you read 1 John chapter 3 he shows zero evidence of being saved. There is nothing about his showing fruits (read 1 Cor 13 & Rom 12) so we need to pray for this man’s soul. I know this sounds harsh, but this man needs to be turned in to the police. No abuser should go free but deserves jail as Romans 13 indicates, we must follow who God has appointed as His agents of authority on this. Have you spoken with your own pastor about this? What did he say? Sometimes, jail is a way to humble physically abusing men and God cannot work with a human heart that is full of pride but only with one that is humbled. Does that make sense? You are not condemned to hell but I fear he may be as of right now. You need to separate yourself at all costs. Turn this man into the police and I know that sounds harsh and very, very hard to do but he is a criminal and deserves to face a judge. I would at least separate and move out, don’t tell him where you live (if that is possible) but I will most certainly pray for you for you both need a miracle.

Reply

Erik June 25, 2014 at 7:50 pm

Dearest greetings of peace my dear sister in Christ. I know that at this moment much of what you are feeling (you can find my similar story above). I completely understand the fear of judgment and the frustration of loving your husband (in my case my wife) and wanting to honor God, the vows you made (“…in good times and bad…”) and being conflicted with the desire to see your spouse’s heart to be open to Christ and living in accordance to His example and calling, yet feeling like it’ll never happen. I don’t know about you, but what adds to the frustration for me is recognizing that 99% of those giving advice to divorce cannot justify their belief via scripture and the closest some come is quoting 1Corinthians 7:15, yet they fail to read the supportive chapters and verses around it which I believe add context in our situations as our spouses are unwilling to leave us and it is us feeling trapped by the commandment to not leave them, rather win them over to Christ through the strength we exhibit in clinging to Him. For me, I am desperately trying to truly understand the examples God has given me in the stories of the prophets and characters in the Bible such as Joeseph, Daniel, Mishak/Zadarak/Abindigo, David, and even Himself, Paul and many of the disciples’ experiences after His resurrection. I am also attempting to remind myself daily of the Sudanese woman that is in the news of late and Pstr. Youseff, both of whom have and are experiencing unbelievable hardships because they have refused to renounce their faith in exchange for their freedom. That said, I agree with Pstr. Wilmer, it may be that what is needed for your husband to reach true humility is facing a court of law and the authorities. This will present a number of things for you in your reach for Christ and the interpretation of His design for you. The best being that as he has to sit in jail initially for his abuse towards you, you and your children will be protected by law and court – ordered retraining from his returning with vengeance or momentary guilt. You will then be empowered to set a bounday that states that in order for him to return he will have to acknowledge his anger and personality with the help of trained professionals and that before he comes back he will have to demonstrate his ability to demonstrate his “change of heart” through marital counseling and a “new” dating relationship with you. If however he fails at this you are situated in such a way as to make that the “requirement of his return” and failure to perform constitutes his “desire to leave”n fulfilling the verse stated above.
I also feel it important that I caution you that you make certain that cleanse your heart as well. He will need your heart of compassion and not vindictiveness, revenge, or anger and blame to be successful. Remember Christ mentored the audutresses in the Bible not by saying they hadn’t sinned, rather He said, they had sinned but to go and sin no more. I believe that if they had gone and continued in their sin, they would have faced the consequences. Be sure you are not guilty of sinning by condemning his actions and in the hurt of his sins not looking over your own actions/words that may contribute to his feeling frustration and acting out negatively. Yes, he has a problem, but as Christ followers we are to consistently evaluate ourselves and our own actions and words in a way to draw even the Pharaoh to acknowledge God.
I am praying for you most desperately as though your situation were my own. Please, if I may ask the same in return. I, like you, love the Lord and my spouse to the point where I am and have been willing to lose all this world has to offer simply to honor the covenants I made to both of them. Keep your faith even unto death that God can and will restore all to you. When that loneliness begins telling you that there is something better for you if you divorce and find another, think of how easy it would be to simply say one sentence, gain immediate freedom and then go back to life as normal; and yet I know of two people who have refused and are suffering as a result, yet are blessed beyond what you or I currently know because we hear of how they are still standing strong in the face of certain death (just like those people in the bible). Blessings of strength and peace, wisdom and prosperity, hope and joy, yet most importantly love.

Reply

Allie June 25, 2014 at 8:42 pm

Hello Pastor Jack, your words of encouragement are so helpful. Since I originally shared my problems I have been very slowly rebuilding a friendship with my husband. Just talking and not seeing each other. I have become very lonely both emotionally as well as physically. I really would like to see him and have asked but he turns me down. I pray about our situation but not as much as I should how do I begin to pray again when I’m losing patience. How long should I wait for our situation to turn around and how do you find hope and continue to pray.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 25, 2014 at 9:01 pm

Hello again Allie. Don’t quit. If God can convert Paul who was one of the most notorious Christian killers into the greatest evangelist in the New Testament, God can do anything. Perhaps he too is starting to think about things more deeply. Did you ever talk to your own pastor. Could you request the prayers of the saints in your church as “unspoken needs?” I know others like Tom and Erik and so many others that are subscribed to this article and please know that we fight for victory on our knees and pray to a God Who created the universe. Let’s not give up. Marriage is just too important. The Enemy wants to bring down Christian marriages and I am not willing to let that happen if our prayers can have a say in this. Never take the silence of God as an no answer from God. When God is most silent is often when He is most actively working behind unseen human eyes and for Jesus’ glory, let’s fight this fight of faith.

Reply

Allie June 25, 2014 at 9:21 pm

I have not spoken to my pastor because I am not trusting enough to share my situation with him and his wife. I have solicited prayers from friends and family but not my congregation but I will thank you again. I read the site daily and continue to pray for everyone who writes in.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 25, 2014 at 9:35 pm

Allie, I can certainly understand after I remember now what you wrote earlier about the situation. I had forgotten. Please forgive me. Yes, keep on requesting prayers and please know that we can join their prayers with ours here and with yours too my friend.

Reply

Allie June 26, 2014 at 8:32 pm

No I understand that it is important for me to solicit prayers from my pastor and church family and I will work on that. I will also remain in prayer and keep studying the word. I’ll work hard at it

birdie Jones June 27, 2014 at 2:49 am

OK I’m confused.. me and my husband been apart for five years now. I found out he was cheating on for six months. And might have slept with some of my family member. Plus, he had an baby But the baby pasted. It’s alot more to the story.But now I’m a Christian now and the man that I’m with now is a Christian as well and we both join the same .but I feel with me still being married and not divorce causes distraction in my new relationship.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 27, 2014 at 7:31 am

Hello Mrs. Jones. I am so sorry for your heartache. I am confused too. You say your husband was cheating on you and you are a Christian now and so is the man you with now. With you being married then you were with another man, and I don’t mean sexually, but were you in a relationship with another man, Christian or not, while you were still married? You may have, it appears, also been in a relationship, sex or not, with another man while you were still married. I don’t get that. Have you spoken with your pastor over this? It seems you have both been guilty in this matter, if I am understanding you correctly.

Reply

Ronnie June 30, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Hello. I was unfaithful to my husband in 2004 and he found out. He forgave me and I thought we moved on. However, 8 years prior to that, we had a physical altercation and he hit me in my face. I was unfaithful to him twice in that year after that, because of that, but ended both flings. I didn’t tell him though. Down through the years, I carried the guilt of all three affairs and tortured myself in my secret closet because I didn’t know how to confess. I knew I had to tell him about the other two, and I finally did. Although they were almost 20 years ago, I know it hit him as if it had just happened. I feel so terrible for hurting him in that way. It seems, though, that he had never fully forgiven me for the affair that he knew about. But I thought we were working through things. I prayed that he would forgive me. And even held on to a smidge of hope that he would want to work things out with me. He has told me that he wants a divorce. I love him so much and I knew it was possible that this would happen, but something inside of me believes that if his heart is unhardened, maybe he will not leave me. I know it’s pretty much unrealistic. Since we initially moved on, I became the perfect wife. I’ve been delivered from the thought and demon of adultery, but it seems that it’s just a little too late. I really believe that he does still have love for me, but he has declared that he can’t get over what I’ve done. Am I crazy for standing and believing that God will restore us? I really love and am in love with him. He has already begun a relationship with someone else and I am now feeling everything that I caused him to feel. I am so sad and repentive. I wasn’t in love with those other people. I want so much to believe that he will come back to me “suddenly” like so many of the other testimonies that I hear of and read about, but I took my transgressions to the extreme and now I feel that I’ve lost him. I am now sick and I’ve lost so much stress related weight. I want to believe that God will intervene and truly allow us to be a testimony to others while making the enemy mad. But because the scars are so deep and devastating, I think I may need to give up hope. I want to stand and believe without wavering, but he is clear that it is more than over between us. I love him and I really need him to know how sorry I am and how much his forgiveness means to me. I am nervous and shakinig all the time and havign trouble concentrating. I can’t focus like I should and it’s even affecting my work. I need help.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 30, 2014 at 6:21 pm

Hello Ronnie, thank you for your comment and let me first say you should speak with your own pastor in your church first as you should be able to tell him anything. He says that he can’t get over it. Is your husband a Christian? A true Christian forgives because if we don’t forgive others we are not going to be forgiven, meaning we who don’t forgive may have never been forgiven in the first place. His beginning an affair is not your fault. We are all responsible for our sins. He cannot blame you for his own adulterous affair. I believe that you want to save this marriage and that is the best thing we can do is pray about it and fight for this marriage since marriage is worth fighting for. I will join with you and pray others will to in praying for your husband to be convicted (or saved if he isn’t yet) by the Spirit of God to not do this sin. By his doing this sin he is accumulating the wrath of God on him. You keep doing what is right…be as loving as possible, stay faithful, talk to your pastor, and leave the rest up to God for God can do what we cannot do. You are not crazy for standing and believing that God can restore this marriage but your husband’s eternal destiny is what I worry about most….a bad life with a bad choice and no repentance could mean he will be judged someday by Christ as his judge and not as his savior.

Reply

Ronnie June 30, 2014 at 9:32 pm

Thank you so much for responding to my post. Yes, we are Christians. He’s actually been called to preach, but has declared that he does not want to. He no longer talks to me at all. He sleeps in our guest bedroom where he spends time talking to his girlfriend. We attend a huge church and he is friends with our pastor. He doesn’t want him in our business. We went to counseling three times and he stopped. I still go. When we do talk, I get emotional and can’t stop crying. We wind up arguing and is unproductive. She lives in another state and he visits her often. He is not trying at all to do anything to reconcile. I love him and am in love with him, but he has made it clear that he does not feel the same. His heart is hardened toward me and I feel so bad because of the pain I’ve caused. I miss my family so much and I just feel that I am lying in the bed I made. I know God has forgiven me, I just can’t believe the layers of damage that I’ve caused. It’s a very unfortunate situation.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 30, 2014 at 10:03 pm

Thank you Ronnie. This man is no more qualified to preach anyway because of his present infidelity/adultery. I have a very hard time believing that he is a Christian because his lifestyle doesn’t match what John says a Christian is like (1 John chapter 3) and lives like (Rom 12, 1 Cor 13). A bad tree produces bad fruit and a bad tree cannot produce good fruit just as a good tree cannot produce bad fruit. This man doesn’t understand what love really is…love is not so much a feeling but a verb… it is what you do. Do we really think Jesus felt good about going to the cross for us? He felt good about taking on our sins for He who knew no sin? No, he showed love by his taking action…by going to the cross and by voluntarily giving His life…not be feeling good about doing this. His heart is hardened. You are NOT responsible for lying in your own bed. No, everyone of us is accountable to God and responsible for our sins. You have been forgiven but he is living in great disobedience and sin which is the worst type of sin to God I believe…joining himself to and becoming one with a prostitute (using Paul’s language). Read 1 Cor 6:18 and all of 1 Cor 6. Jesus said they will know you by your love for one another and you will know them by their fruit. I see neither in this man and sometime tells me (of course I hope I am wrong) that this man was never soundly saved. I feel for sure that you are from your tender heart and grieving over sin.

Reply

Ronnie June 30, 2014 at 10:14 pm

He was called when he was a teenager. The reason we started dating was because of the one thing we had in common…salvation. That was 25 years ago. Life has happened and taken a toll on him. He lost both of his parents and has never recovered from it. The man that he is right now, I do not know. But I know MY husband is somewhere in there. I just stand to lose him. I appreciate your encouraging words. I have a very hard time knowing how to pray about this situation. I just can’t know if God will save my marriage.

Reply

Jack Wellman June 30, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Ronnie…I am just glad that you are wanting to save this marriage and this is very, very pleasing to God and rock-solid evidence of your desire to obey Him. I don’t know either since your husband’s heart is so hardened but lets keep praying and keep in touch. I will not give up on this marriage.

Reply

Ronnie July 1, 2014 at 10:37 am

Thank you Pastor, Jack.
The problem that I’m having is knowing how to deal with him on a day to day basis. Even though he doesn’t talk to me, he is still in the house. Do I only speak to him when he speaks to me? Do I still act as a wife? Even though I know he’s in a relationship with another woman? We always wind up arguing when we DO talk. I’m uncomfortable in my own home and I don’t know how to act around him. I pray for God to guide me, but He seems so silent. So, I seem to always mess things up and make them worse than they were before. I want to fight for this marriage, but I do not want to be consumed with the fight, either. It’s on my mind day and night, and I know that there are other things I have to be concerned with.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 1, 2014 at 11:08 am

Ronnie, I would talk to him when he talks to you. You don’t want to shut any door that may still remain open. As long as we are alive, we can change and that is what I am praying for. Don’t be silent. Thank God that you want to save this marriage. Don’t fight verbally but silently before God as I will too and fight on your knees. Just trust in the Lord, keep fighting for this marriage and leave what we can’t do up to the Lord Who can do things that we can’t.

Reply

Ronnie July 17, 2014 at 11:34 am

Pastor,
Things have gotten so much worse! I am becoming so discouraged and am beginning to wonder if I should still stand for my marriage. He has become so very full of hatred and evil now, that he doesn’t even speak to our children anymore. He is “fighting” for his relationship with the other woman and has totally given up on our marriage and our family. In a very mean and hateful text message, he told me that he hates my guts and wished death on me. I’ve known him for 30 years and he’s only known her for a short time. I know it’s the enemy, but because he is allowing this, I feel powerless. How do I pray about this? I don’t want to give up, but hope seems slim…

Rose July 2, 2014 at 6:04 am

Don’t give up.
Have you heard of the love dare? Based on the movie fireproof?

Reply

Dan July 1, 2014 at 8:14 am

Hi, My precious wife of 24 years left me in November of 2012. We have six children, one severely autistic. She simply woke up one morning and announced she was done being a wife and mom. She had always been a very great wife and mom, very active in our church. We have had a very stressful marriage, I was disabled with severe back injury for many years, which put financial strain on our family. But we always made it OK, the Lord provided. I am raising all the kids alone, she sees each kid about an hour a week, and provides zero in financial help, but again that’s OK as God is providing. I had major surgery and spinal implant and my health is greatly improved. I’ve lost 70 pounds and off most meds. Here is my problem, my wife immediately moved in with and began adulterous relationship with another man. To make matters worse the person is a known drug user, ex con and is open about his love for pornography. I don’t allow my kids anywhere near the man. I have been praying unceasingly for restoration, been trying to be kind to her at all opportunities. I still love her and still don’t understand what happened to be honest. Its like she has become a completely different person. I hate the idea of divorce but it seems that my kids are holding out hope because we are still married. I don’t know what God is leading me to do either. Thanks for any insights. She has refused any and all attempts to go to counseling as well.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

Hello Dan and thank you sir for your comment. How heartbreaking this is. Sadly, your wife will have many of the eternal rewards in heaven stripped from her but you will receive the welcome from the Master, “Well done thou good and faithful servant.” Keep on fighting, you and your children, from your knees. It is tragic how the love of many, even Christians, has grown so cold in these days and many believers become more selfish and it’s all about me and no one else. This move by your wife is going to be hard but don’t give up… for since God the Holy Spirit can convert even a pagan king’s heart (Prov 21:1) and turn a Saul into a Paul, we must keep hoping in this until it is clear that it won’t work out and she files for divorce. I pray it doesn’t come to this.

Reply

Michelle July 5, 2014 at 5:42 am

My husband and I have been together for ten years but married for almost five years. He has cheated on me since before we got married up till now. I never knew about the cheating before our marriage because he didn’t talk about it in pre-marriage counseling. The cheating has taken an emotional toll on me. There have been so many women that since he said he doesn’t remember. Now he has got one of them pregnant and she is ruining my life. She calls me and texts me about him. We are now separated because we had to vacate our apartment and I was pregnant and couldn’t handle the stress of our marriage anymore. He’s not loving or caring. He has told me I was not attractive and even compared me to the women he has slept with. He disrespects me and my parents constantly. I know that his Infidelity’s are a sin in God’s eyes and a divorce is ok. But I’m not sure if it is the right thing to do. I still love him but my heart is broken and I don’t where to begin to boost my self-esteem.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 5, 2014 at 9:36 am

Hello Michelle. I am glad that you are not so quick to give up on this adulterous husband of yours. I am glad that, after all that he has done, you still love him. Have you spoken with your own pastor about this? He is there to help give counsel for you (provided there is another person present for no pastor should ever counsel with a woman alone). I would pray for this man to be convicted of his sin and to come to repentance and trust in Christ because he doesn’t sound like he is saved. You are a Christian I take it? God can change the human heart (Prov 21:1) so let us pray for this.

Reply

veryhurtwife July 5, 2014 at 7:04 pm

Hi everyone. I wanted to give you an update.
I posted in April what has been going on with my husband and marriage.
I started my new group “Pure Desire” at my church. I am finding this group to be very helpful and comforting. I also have been learning how to truly pray for my husband and my marriage. Things are going better between my husband and me. I mean the fighting has stop, he is trying to put me first. I know by his e-mails that he is still going on all his porn sites, dating sites, and sites to hook up with women. I don’t think he has “hooked” up with any women the past couple months (but what do I know he did it for the past 23 years with out me knowing) but he is still visiting the porn sites.
I still am leaning towards a divorce in the future. My husband still has not apologize or admitted anything to me, he hasn’t ask God for his forgiveness and repented for his sins. He keeps doing like he always does and still blames it all on me.
I have lost all hope at this point. I am just waiting to file for divorce. I need to put money aside for the lawyer and divorce.
Please keep praying for us, my husband and my marriage.
Thanks

Reply

Jack Wellman July 5, 2014 at 7:28 pm

Will join with others in praying for you “veryhurtwife” and I commend you for staying in the faith, in the Bible and on your knees when most women would have been long gone by how. Even though it sounds still very hard, I will always fight for marriages to survive and fighting from my knees.

Reply

Allie July 5, 2014 at 8:48 pm

I will join you in prayer. Praise God for you and the ministry at your church. It is so inspiring and encourages all of us to continue our work for God even if we are hurting. I’ll be praying for you, your husband, & your marriage.

Reply

Christine July 8, 2014 at 1:10 am

I do t know where to begin. My spouse and i have been separated for six months. During that time i have prayed fixed my self and even remain faithful to my husband. I have begged pleaded to him to reconcile with me. He just kept blaming me for everything and told me he cant work on our marriage because his kids didnt like me. He was very mean to me and my kids that is why I separated from him. He lead me on and gave me this spill about how he was going to see a godly pastor and work on our marriage. Weeks went by and he told me he no longer is wearing his ring and that it was a mistake to ever marry me. He then told me his family and church told him our marriage was adultery in gods eyes. He told me to let him go and that he will not seek restoration. I am unclear what to do since he is serving me papers soon

Reply

Jack Wellman July 8, 2014 at 8:58 am

Christine, I am so very sorry. There is nothing you can do. I feel that this many will be severely judged by God but you must remain faithful to God and resist this divorce as much as possible and fight with every ounce of strength you have and fight from your knees in prayer. God alone is the only one Who can change this situation and I am not saying that He will but that is what I will pray for. So sad to see this happen to you Christine.

Reply

Jeff July 10, 2014 at 11:05 pm

My wife moved out two years ago and says she wants a divorce. I know she has dated but no idea if she has had sex with anyone. What do I do? I don’t want a divorce as I made a vow. But 2 years alone is pretty bad.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 11, 2014 at 8:15 am

Hello Jeff. I am truly sorry for what you have and are going thru sir. I am glad you want to stick to your vows. Let’s try to ask God to send the Holy Spirit to convict her heart for God is able to change even a pagan king’s heart (Prov 21:1) and we know it is possible. I would try to fight for this marriage to survive. Have you spoken with your own pastor about this? If so, what did he say? Is your wife a Christian? If not, this may explain a lot if you are and she is not. Anyway, we have a lot of prayer warriors on this website and so lets pray about this.

Reply

HopefulHope July 15, 2014 at 12:04 am

Hi Pastor Wellman. I am in a tough place. I have been married for two years but now my husband and I have been separated for two months. Our marriage started off in a bad place. We’d only known each other for a few months and had been having sex since before we were dating. Once we were married, the true depths of each of our sinful natures started to reveal themselves. I quickly learned that my husband was addicted to pornography and was extremely verbally abusive. I also learned that I am capable of extreme bitterness and obsessiveness. After a year of pain, I stood up to my husband about his abusive behavior and what he was doing to me and our daughter through his addictions. God performed a miracle then… He changed my husband’s heart immediately, overnight! My husband laid down all of his attachments to pornography and began to treat me and our baby with more respect. But I made a terrible mistake. I saw his new heart and I was so excited that I wanted more. It wasn’t enough. He could be a better Christian. He could go even farther. He could be the spiritual leader of our home… Soon, the pride I felt for my husband’s change became an overwhelming, bitter desire for more. I was impatient with God and impatient with my husband, and in my pushiness, I drove my husband farther away from God than he’s ever been. His verbal abuse picked up in full force until it drove me to separate from him for what was supposed to be a trial period of 40 days. Two weeks in, my husband lied and told me he was cheating on me, just to hurt me and make me feel guilty for the things I’d done. He eventually admitted to lying when I brought up multiple sources that could tell me exactly where he was the night he said he’d cheated on me. After this, I renewed my devotion for The Lord. God really put on my heart the gravity of how my attitude had pushed His son away from Him. I have since then repented to both God and my husband and have been trying to prove to my husband my true change in heart. But each time I make ground in showing my husband that I’ve changed, he finds another reason to call me and emotionally berate me for the past. He has even been spreading the secret of my childhood sexual abuse to everyone he knows and then calling me to say every hurtful thing he can think of about this sensitive area of my heart that I entrusted him with. His constant abuse is making it so hard for me to understand where we’re at. He won’t tell me if he wants me to come home. He won’t admit to having any part of the blame in our problems. His heart has been completely hardened to me since our separation and I don’t know what to do. I am not filing for divorce, but I think this separation will last much longer than planned. And what do I do if my change of heart is not enough to get my husband to give me a second chance? I have admitted my faults, but I feel no desire in my husband to admit his. And I struggle with the burden of heavy guilt. When he puts me down, I almost feel that I deserve it, since it was my behavior that pushed him back away from God and even back into pornography. But God has already forgiven me for what I’ve done, and it’s like a physical blow each time my husband does the exact opposite. I honestly feel like he hates me… What do I do if he tells me to come home, but then continues to emotionally abuse and humiliate me, even though my heart has changed?

Reply

Jack Wellman July 15, 2014 at 7:02 am

My friend, I am sorry for these last few years of hardship but we are all carried away by our own lusts and so your husband is the one who is responsible for his own emotional abuse of you and for his involvement with pornography. I believe that pornography is the same as adultery of the heart. Only God can change this man’s heart (Prov 21:1) so pray that God will convict him of his sin and that he would repent and put his trust in Christ. Have you spoken with your pastor yet? If so, what did he say? If not, why not? I would talk to him immediately. Pray for your husband, stay in the Word of God, the Bible, and talk to your pastor and leave the rest up to God for only God can change what we cannot.

Reply

HopefulHope July 15, 2014 at 12:38 pm

I haven’t spoken to a pastor yet because we’ve been moving around a lot. We got out of the military and moved to Arizona, but were only there for a couple of months before we moved to his home state. I was just getting comfortable in a church when we decided to separate and I came back to Arizona. I’ll have to talk the pastor of my family’s church that I’ve been attending. If you believe pornography is adultery of the heart, than would you say that extended use of pornography would be grounds for biblical divorce? (I’m not immediately going to jump to that as my excuse, especially when I’ve seen my husband’s ability to change once before. I’m just wondering about the future, if he never comes back around.)

Reply

Jack Wellman July 15, 2014 at 12:59 pm

Being in the military, I can certainly understand that you do move around a lot and thank you both for serving our country. I thank God for those who do and even if your husband is the only one who does, you still serve as being part of a service member’s family. Jesus said in Matt 5:2-28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” so that is a decision that you will have to make. Knowing that you are not wanting to make excuses…I am sure you are not and are striving to try and save this marriage, otherwise you would not have searched for and found this article. I believe that extended use of pornography is essentially, as Jesus said, lusting in the heart which He equated with adultery of the heart. I cannot answer your question unless I could sit down and speak with you both. Would your husband consider Christian marriage counseling? I pray for you both.

Reply

HopefulHope July 15, 2014 at 1:54 pm

We did both serve and I have to say that the military is the hardest place I’ve ever had to be as a Christian. The culture is very focused on sex, alcohol, and violence. It was a miraculous blessing when we both were given the opportunity to leave that environment. I think being separate from the military greatly helped my husband stop his use of pornography.

I’m not sure, right now, if he would be willing to go to Christian counseling. That’s the main reason I posted here. The issue I’m having, is that he is being very hard of heart. He doesn’t want to discuss our marriage problems, nor talk about the future, nor even support me during this separation. He has shown no remorse or desire to have me come home. He rarely speaks to me and when he does, it’s often to have a verbally abusive outburst where he accuses me of being entirely responsible for every problem he has. Some of my family members have suggested that I simply don’t speak to him at all for a while, until he’s cooled off enough to respectfully discuss our situation. Do you think this is good advice?

Thank you so much for your prayers, as well. My greatest comfort in all of this is that I am not alone.

Praying for guidance July 16, 2014 at 10:44 pm

Hello. My husband and I got married about nine months ago. He recently just told me that he does not love me and that he did not love me on our wedding day. When he asked my parents for my hand in marriage he said he had doubts. This is all hard to accept since I went into marriage 100% ready to give myself fully to God and my husband for life. I thought I was marrying the one I would grow old with and the father of my future children. He says he no longer wants children and does not feel the way I feel about him; which is concerning because before we were married he felt strongly about children. He said he changed his mind. He also voiced that he has been thinking about living alone for a while and having another life. We haven’t even been married a year!

He is lashing out on me in hurtful words. He says he has no desire to spend time with me and purposely has scheduled himself at work so he does not need to be around me. I have suggested counseling several times and have finally made an appointment. I wrote it on our calendar and am praying that he shows up.

I told him that we both owe it to ourselves and the commitment we made in front of our loved ones and God, to go to counseling and spend time together. We have to work on our marriage because you just don’t throw in the towel when it is tough. He again throws out that he doesn’t want to spend time with me and that counseling won’t help how he feels about me or us.

I first don’t understand why he would marry me if he didn’t love me and acted like he did (he said he was “faking it” cause that’s what he thought he felt and what he should do) and also why he is even toying with the option of divorce when there are no grounds to divorce in the first place. My heart just aches and I all I know to do now is work on myself, be faithful to my husband, pray, go to counseling even if he doesn’t show and keep asking him to go with me. What else can I do? How do I get him to understand that he has to uphold his vows along with me?

Reply

Erik July 17, 2014 at 8:56 am

PFG, My heart absolutely aches and cries over what you are going through at this moment. I too, as you’ll find above, was married in August of 2013 and have received the same harsh treatment and statements from my wife. It seems a near impossible situation at times and there is so much hurt and confusion that comes with experiencing what we are experiencing. I have tried talking to mutual friends, her family, important people in her life, pastors, counselors, you name it. Nothing seems to get her attention for more than about a few days at most to consider, remember and acknowledge the love I know she knows I have for her. Everytime we begin to take a step towards reconciliation or in a positive direction, within days there seems to be an issue arise in which she kicks me out, calls me every malicious name you could think of, swears she never wants to see me again, and most recently, even emails my private counselor that she never wants to be with me and wants me to leave her alone for the next year so she can get a divorce. I have toyed with the thought and even been counseled by some to seek an annulment; however as Pstr. Jack and a few others pointed out to me, that is the same as seeking a divorce. You and I made a covenant not just to our spouse but to God as well. It is hard, each day you awake committing yourself that you are going to do your best to show your love for your spouse and God. Some days you barely squeak through without breaking down and crying tears no human could begin to understand, but most days, you are not so blessed. In random conversations, in the middle of a store, in your sleepless hours, you are consistently on the verge of tears. Your mind races and spins with all the things you know should and could be different if only someone somewhere would have the ability to help your spouse recognize their contribution(s) to your mutual failure, and come to an acceptance and accountability for their need of emotional/spiritual investment not just in their own life but yours as well, as you are now both, “One”.
There is nothing I can tell you to do to make it easier or less painful except the one thing I am sure you are already doing… PRAY!!! Read as much as you can on understanding how to learn to react to their seemingly heartless words and actions. Ponder as deeply as you can your own contributions, your own words, your own issues that may be impeding, in his eyes, him drawing close to you. It’s not to say he is right and you need to be fixed, but hopefully by your knowing what it is that he feels prevents him from feeling the warmth and tender mercies of Christ’s ever warming light in you, you can identify other means by which you might be able to show it. Whatever you do, be most careful not to gossip and strike back at him with people who may share it back to him. He may have a mental disorder such as BPD or BiPolar, etc. but in drawing light to his abuse and negativity, I have learned the hard way that it makes for more wounds as things deteriorate. Always when speaking with others, let them know of your unwavering love for him, even admitting your own pain of loss and loneliness, express your desire for his acceptance of Christ (as at the moment he is not accepting of Christ as displayed in his actions), your desire to hold on, requesting prayer support from them that they too might desire to see reconciliation, and continue to encourage counseling both individually and mutually.
I am praying for you, and ask your prayer as well. My wife is a beautiful and amazing woman with so much capability to contribute to our familia future, and I long to be reunited with her and the opportunity to testify and witness to others like yourself of the unimaginable hope and grace Christ offers us. Stay strong my sister, it is a difficult road and neither you nor I know when, where and what forms it may take; but we have a promise and a marital bond to Christ… hard as it may be, we have to keep our word to Him.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 17, 2014 at 3:26 pm

Hello and thank you for your comment and question. What else can you do? I would say you can only pray for this man. Your husband is confused about what love is. Love is a choice and it is what you do, not just what you feel. I sense this man may not be saved so we can pray that the Holy Spirit convicts him of his sin and that he repents and trusts in Christ. God alone can change what we cannot and even the human heart (Prov 21:1). Stay on your knees…read Psalm 103 and 37 and just leave up to God what we cannot do. I will pray over this and I know, Erik is too…Erik, may God richly bless you for your kindness and compassion in helping others with your words and your prayers. You have been sent by God for us and those whose marriages are in deep water. Thank you.

Reply

rochelle July 17, 2014 at 5:43 pm

my hubby and I were both in ministry…he started his own church in december 2012 so I stepped down to support him in what i believed to be Gods will for our lives….

my husband did not support our family myself and two kids financially as he should have- so i resorted to taking him up for maintenance for our kids…discovering bank statements showing an income when he continuously told me at that time there was no money coming in….just after our first appearance he closed the ministry and informed me about his child outside of our marriage who is 9 months older than my baby, he since moved in with the mother of his child and has lived there since.

last year when I confronted him about a phone call i received …asking him why he didnt just divorce me to be with that woman he told me he didnt want to divorce me nor did he want to get married to her…. I suppose holding on in hope….

recently ive been contacted by this woman who apologized but also informed me that she is expecting their second child and that she was putting him out…

As a steward of Gods word I have been against divorce and patiently waited and prayed for him to divorce me so that the guilt would not be on me but I realise now only that he dicorced me a long time ago to live his life the way he has.

my husband still gooes to church but shows no remorse and still does not support kids as he should.

I have grown cold toward him as a lover but will always care for him as a soul and the father of my chilldren

I recently asked him for a divorce and have not received a response from him. I pray the Lord brings me deliverance from this so that my kids and I can move on.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 17, 2014 at 6:18 pm

Rochelle, any pastor that asks for and receives a divorce over any reason, except adultery, is disqualified for the ministry. You must fight to save this marriage. You said you have “grown cold toward him as a lover” but love is not a feeling, it is a verb, an action, and love above all is a choice. Jesus loved us so much He willingly died for us. Do you think Jesus felt good about going to the cross? Do you think He depended upon feelings of love to die for us? No, His love was displayed by His taking action, and by choosing (taking action) to go the cross (a verb as in “going”) to die for us while we were still sinners and enemies of the cross (Rom 5). Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” He demonstrated it, not be feeling but by doing. If you ask for a divorce and are seeking it (as you appear to be doing) and then divorce him, you are disqualified to do any ministry at all, for the rest of your life, according to the Bible’s qualifications for a pastor.

Reply

rochelle July 17, 2014 at 5:48 pm

Pastor my concern is if i divorce how will that affect my liberty to remain in ministry?

Reply

Jack Wellman July 17, 2014 at 6:24 pm

Rochelle, shouldn’t your concern be about pleasing Christ? Why are you concerned about how this divorce will affect your “liberty” to “remain in the ministry?” Your concern should be with your pleasing and obeying God and you know that God hates divorce. Your children will see your example and someday think in their marriages, “Well, mom divorced because she didn’t feel love anymore so I guess its okay to divorce my spouse based upon what I feel.” See the damage you could do? The Bible is clear, if you ask for and seek a divorce you are biblically unqualified to ever pastor any church every again for the rest of your life. I know this must offend you but the truth sets us free or it makes us really mad. Truth is truth and I hate to anger anyone but I must stand on what the Bible says. Besides, read this article and see why I think you are on shaky ground already at: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/should-women-be-pastors-or-elders-of-a-church-a-bible-study/

Reply

Allie July 19, 2014 at 2:25 am

Pastor I thank you for your advice but my husband and I will be divorced soon. He has been involved in another relationship all of the time I have been praying for reconciliation. I will continue to pray for all of the faithful followers on the site because you all really gave me hope! Thank you again!

Reply

mel s July 19, 2014 at 2:34 am

I’ve been praying for you Allie. I’m so sorry…
It seems like our stories are so similar. Sadly, I don’t see reconciliation happening in my marriage either, as there is evidence of my estranged husband being involved with another woman.
I’ll continue to pray for you.

Reply

Allie July 20, 2014 at 3:51 pm

I agree Mel, I have been and will continue to pray for you. I thank you so much for your prayers, I am so convinced that the devil is attacking families but I have fought hard now all I can do is pray. I want so badly for things to work but ultimately I just have to accept God’s will and believe the best is yet to come. ..I know you’ll be blessed for your faithfulness thank you!

Reply

HopefulHope July 19, 2014 at 1:30 pm

I have good news, pastor and everyone who has prayed for us! My husband has finally started to talk to me again and to show remorse and love for me. He said that he misses me and is ready for me to come home. I know we still have a long, hard road ahead of us, but maybe this will be a chance for us to start fresh when I get home. I am definitely going to seek counseling with my husband or at least try to encourage him to participate as well. And our time apart has helped me to understand what my role is in God’s eyes as this man’s wife. I no longer think of myself as higher or better than him in any way, but I’m also not shadowed by a love for him that surpasses my love for The Lord. It is a start, definitely.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 19, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Praise God and Him alone who is worthy and I thank all the saints were also praying, like Erik. That is so encouraging.

Reply

Erik July 21, 2014 at 11:19 am

Congratulations Hopeful, When I saw this message on Saturday I was so thankful and “hopeful” for my own situation. I wanted to write at that very moment and express my joys and praises to the Lord. Those feelings have not changes, I am still full of joyous praise and thanksgiving for you and mindful to spur you with the deepest of heart and compassion, knowing that the “Law of the Word” serves not only to exhort us to be praisefully thankful for His abundant rich blessings but is also there for us to utilize in providing wisdom, hope and even loving rebuke and counsel. In such, I encourage you to be ever diligent, now even as much if not more so, to be reminiscent of the trial you have undergone and the emptiness that humbled you to draw on the Lord and His favor as well as the hearts and prayers here. If I could impart any word of wisdom from my own human and limited base of knowledge, understanding that God is all knowledgeable and contritely humble to speak from my own experience and attempts to confine to His ways, I would beseech you to most honestly and humbly present your heart before God in any opportunities you may come across to communicate with your husband with or without your counselor. As you have indicated, it is imperative to remember that you are a “wife”, not just in the physical to your husband, but to God as well and as such you have been ordained, given privilege to be the “helper” in His Majesty’s creation, “for it was not good for man to be alone” and God created man with the intention that we (man) should work as caretakers to his creation. In that, your most precious and remarkable gift is that of compassion and encouragement. So few realize that as a woman, your “work” is vitally important to “his” success, as you are both now “one” in Him. Be diligent to listen to his hurts and fears. Communicate not just with words of affirmation that you truly want to assist him in becoming all he can be in the service to God, but honestly express and be witness of your own failings as a sinful yet desiring wife and woman. When you present your “frustrations” to him (preferably in counsel) that you feel need his attention and action, be sure to present them as opportunities of his divine calling, not as opportunities to “make you happy”. Let him know your desire to please God, and when you present an issue for your husband to address (ex. he doesn’t give you adequate time and or affection), let him hear it as, “Sweetheart (you may want to use this very word), I desire to make you feel strong and mighty, my champion and defender of God’s kingdom against all that would try to take His perfection from it, yet to do this, I require a little more attention than we have been giving each other. I sometimes feel as though we are against such overwhelming and impossible forces that threaten to tear us apart and present you as incapable or weak, yet I know the word of stories where God used an army of a few to conquer armies of many. Can you, my dearest husband and leader of our family, encourage me when I feel overwhelmed, hold me when you think I might be feeling less than secure, and comfort me with words of affirmation and peace that you will and are moving into the next minutes, hours, days, weeks, years with the full armor of God and that you have and are letting Him guide our steps that we will not fall as Adam and Eve did through the temptations of the adversary?”
It is my humble belief that if you will communicate this to him and set your heart to be receptive to his attempts, you both will find exactly that peace which you both desire and both ring with loud voice your JOY and Love for Christ and His mighty work.
In close, I rejoice that you are having this opportunity at reunification and give praise to God for His work in your husband’s and your heart. I also ask for your and everyone here, continued prayer that my wife would come to a similar desire to reunite and seek God’s will above her own; that she would seek to understand that it is my deepest hearts desire to see the glory of Christ’s Kingdom both in this life and the next with her firmly by my side, recognizing that independently we were weak, but that by God’s purpose and design we were made to help one another, encourage one another and to hold one another up so that we might be living testimonies of Him. My situation has taken a few turns that make it seem at moments all so much bleaker, yet despite all opposition, I long for the day when she will come to me as I have encouraged you to go to your husband, and I will be able to embrace her, whisper in her ear, “I too am afraid, I too see the army before us, I too am uncertain of the future as it relates to this life and our present desires; however I am confident in the one who has said He can do all things and I bear testimony that I have witnessed that He will not let us down, if for no other reason, then because He has said, ‘Where two or more are gathered together in my name, there I am also!’ Guess what my love, you and I equal two… He’s here with us!!”
Ohh that I might see and experience that day and days… I pray and tearfully ask that the Lord give you and your husband that same blessing. May the LORD be with you always and in every moment my dearest sister in Christ… may God be with you and give you this blessing of rejoice.

Reply

ang July 22, 2014 at 1:16 am

Im lost, i am a beliver, a new one and i struggle with my growing faith. The problem lies in my marriage. We have bren married 9 years. Before we celebrated our first year he went to prison for four years because of drugs(a shock to me as he never told me about it) i was unfaithful during this time, i did not know God and was angry with my husband. He then came home and has been for four years. We fight a lot. I try to tell him that i need affection and love from him as he does not express or share his love for me, if he still loves me. Lately it has gotten to the point that he says hateful and hurtful things, not just to me but to our three children(1 is biologically his) i told him i was going to leave and he was even upset. I dont want a divorce but the hurt and pain from his words cuts so deeply that i cant even look at him. I dont know what to do!!

Reply

Jack Wellman July 22, 2014 at 9:19 am

I would immediately talk to your pastor and seek some marital counseling. Please don’t tell him that you are going to leave because divorce is never an option unless there is ongoing, unrepentant adultery. When you have no other option, stay on your knees, seek counseling, and stay in the Bible daily. How often do you read your Bible? How frequently do you pray daily? Have you spoken to a Christian marriage counselor or your pastor? You say you want a divorce then you say “I don’t know what to do.” You seem to know what you want to do. Strive to save this marriage, pray, fast, counsel, stay in the Word. You cannot do it alone.

Reply

Erik July 22, 2014 at 9:48 am

Ang,
I grieve for your pain. It is so frustrating, I especially believe for a new believer such as yourself, for those of us here, hoping, wishing, desiring to honor our marriage with so much hurt and confusion. If I may, I’d like to ask you a few questions, not for you to answer here; rather for you to ponder and consider in your time alone with God and in your thought processes in reconciling with your husband.
You stated that you had been unfaithful in your anger at him when he went to prison and allowed your unfaithfulness to manifest in physical unfaithfulness. Have you discussed it with him? While I know it may be a sore subject for the two of you, may I suggest you take some quiet time and write your husband a letter, expressing your own admittance to this sin and how you recognize it has and perhaps still is affecting him and his ability to connect with you. The idea is to place yourself in his shoes, write as if it were in reverse and what types of things you would need to come to peace with his frailty during such a trialsome time. Understand that though you may have asked for forgiveness and it may have been and is likely still in his heart to forgive, he still bears the scar of feeling “unloved” and “rejected”. Think of a child, who has broken his mother’s most prized and treasured heirloom and as shortly after, mom left the family and now the child is feeling feelings that it is “his” fault; if he hadn’t broken mom’s heirloom, perhaps she wouldn’t be so angry to have left. How would you console that child to understand that it wasn’t him? This is the tenderness you now need with your husband.
My second question is, is your husband a believer? Does he show any indications in any areas in his life that he may perhaps hold the value of “The Law” in regard and that it has value? If so, these are areas you can magnify and strengthen. As you will see in my comment above your post, men have ingrained in them to be a protector, and worker, a innate responsibility to the world around them. In some it is fully strong in many areas, in others it is only a few almost unrecognizable indicators, yet none the less, there was something, at least one of those characteristics that drew you to him in the first place. Find it… he can’t tell you what it is, only you know what it was… he can’t rebuild it for you, but you have every ability to look for it again and if it has grown dormant, reinvigorate it. Perhaps it was his confidence among other men, his leadership, the fact that he drew others to him and was “notable” (whether that was in good ways or not so good ways). Reignite that in him, yet guide him as a “partner”, a “helper” to use that in a positive way. If you are the only one going to church, get to know the other married couples that may have children and healthy leader type men and ask them if there are opportunities where they need leadership assistance with young men. Then come home one day, use some of the charm that you know how to use with him, and say, “You know sweetheart, I was at church today and I overheard that the men at church are in desperate need for a “leader” type figure to inspire young men. It broke my heart because these moms and dads are in great need of someone with leadership skill in [the area of need] and they seem so lost without one. You know, when I met you, you had such a charismatic and genuine ability to effect change and lead people into following you. Is there any way you could come with me and see if there is any way you could be a “champion” for them? I know church may not be your thing, but you know I get so excited and feel so proud of you when I see how well you handle yourself in leading others. I know you enjoy being looked up to as well. Imagine young men wanting to model their life after you, what a legacy! Can you help them? I’ll take on some more responsibility here at home if you need me to in order to help you, but I’d really love to see them experience the great leadership you are able to offer and with your experience of how sometimes we can make bad decisions, you can maybe help one of those boys to make different decisions. What can I do to help?”
Leave it with that… what can you do to help. In essence I call it the car salesman… you present the opportunity, you present the reward, you present the “financing”, you present the joy, and then you place the “keys” in their hand. If you’ve ever bought a car, you know, once the keys are in your hand and every stumbling block removed to allow you to “self-think” your way out, it is near impossible to say “no” to the car. Offer a “test-drive” if needed to make the final pitch, but always end with “What can I do to help?” I think you’ll find a man who not only feels respected and valued, even loved, but you’ll find within yourself a little satisfaction in seeing him engage his talents you once fell in love with. The next part is yours… make sure, you NEVER challenge or take it away from him. Your job as a helper is to find the reward in what he is doing. Slowly, you can introduce more “challenges”, but make sure you keep your heart in check that it is not for “your gain” rather it is your joy to make it “God’s gain”. When you feel frustrated or lonely, or left out and abandoned, remind yourself that he is about doing what God designed him to do. If you get scared, use the reference I gave above to Hopeful to speak your fear, giving him an opportunity to be a “leader” to you. The gospel says that men are to lead their families and wives are to submit to their husband, but the word submit isn’t the same meaning we associate it with in our English language. In the ancient Hebrew and Greek it meant to “bear up”, meaning that just as the rib was taken from Adam’s side (right next to his heart), woman was his “equal” in that without her, he was incomplete. God left the strength, but he gave woman the ability to inspire and encourage. If your lifting a child up into the car, you get underneath (submissive posture) them, so to speak to lift them into the car, giving them a “hand up” or a boost. I truly believe that if you “submit” to your husband and yourself to be “submissive” to God and the calling he has placed within you, you will find unmeasurable joy.
I know from personal experience that the words and things said during fights and arguments are hurtful on both sides. I myself have said hurtful things to my wife in such situations, all of them I wish I could take back and undo. Perhaps there would be less for her to hold in resentment against me if I had chosen my words and reactions better. I cannot live in what I shoulda, coulda, woulda done but didn’t… I can only resolve to make every effort now and future, that though she may use words of hurt and destruction, I am confident and secure in my love for God and my wife. The same is true for you… Love is not just a feeling, it is mostly an action… an action we have to take, not expect in return. When those trialsome moments occur, remind yourself… I love him, and because I love him, I will let his words pass over me and through me and I will not hold or capture them. I will reply only with statements of affection and encouragement, promising only those things I know I can accomplish with certainty.
Finally, as Pstr Jack always says… talk to your Pastr, and I would take it a step further… seek marital and personal counseling through your church. Ask you pastor if your church has affiliations with churches offering couples and Anger Management counseling and coaching. Go not in an effort to seek how you can improve your husband, but make it a genuine and desperate need of your own to understand how you can more effectively communicate to him. Time and God will present the opportunity to share with your husband and for him to consider the same for himself. If you are considering leaving him, don’t (unless there is real physical danger to you or the kids). Your best tool in effecting change in your and his relationship is through the opportunity of communication and example. If you leave, you have taken the most important tool of communication away, “example”. There is a saying, “Preach the Lord’s gospel to the ends of the earth, and when necessary, use words.” I know I have used quite a few here. I hope they serve to encourage and rebuild your love and affection towards your husband and God as well as help you in rebuilding and reconciling your marriage. I will be praying for you, and ask that you too would pray for me and my beloved, that God would bring us back together so that we together can be an effective ministry of who HE is and the LOVE He has and continues to give us all. God bless my dear sister in Christ.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 22, 2014 at 12:23 pm

Erik, you are such a gift of God and God, I truly believe, sent you to us to help encourage and exhort others who are hurting. Who better to know what this pain feels like. I thank God for you brother. I wish you were a millionaire, and we could travel together and share this wisdom of yours with those who are hurting and to help avoid other couples from doing such. I stand amazed at your heart for the brokenhearted my brother.

Reply

Erik July 22, 2014 at 1:18 pm

Pstr. Jack,
Thank you dear Brother for your encouraging words. I too believe (feel) God’s calling and gift, though I also know that I have had this “passion” much of my life and do not yet fully understand His design in “breaking my spirit” such as He seems to have chosen to do. Perhaps it is so that I may have a more sensitive heart to the pain others have and are experiencing, only He knows. I long for my pain and hurt to reach a climatic point of exhilaration and joy of my own situation being blessed with the reunification and restoration of marriage covenant with my wife; however I admit to you and all here that even in my words of encouragement and hope for the broken-hearted, my own personal experience is one of such sadness, fear and uncertainty that my desire may not ever come to the fruition I so greatly desire. In that I know however, that I must keep hoping, I must keep praying, I must keep searching for opportunity to share and if at all possible utilize “the thorn in my side” as a blessing and hope builder in others. I do not know why God has called me in this way. I can only pray that in it all, I somehow manage to, if anything, perhaps give encouragement and hope to another hurting soul, that though my faith be weak, their’s may somehow be made stronger, and that if it be His will, I too will have an opportunity in this life to feel the warm and loving embrace of my wife before my Lord, in whom I often struggle myself in knowing has unfathomable love for me and in whom my faith and love in, has a true existence and power over the hearts of man, chooses to take me to Himself and shower me with the love and affection, even greater than I can humanly imagine, as I have so desperately sought and imagined in this life. If even one marriage can be saved through the words and experiences I have encountered and experienced, I know I will have found such peace and joy in knowing I have been of at least a moment of honorable mention before His great and mighty judgement at the last day… to which much like a child before his father, I will smile a return smile of praise and honor to Him for having given me such a valuable teaching and have experienced a moment of success in glorifying Him through my effort to emulate His wonderful example.
It is interesting that your comment came when it did. I have spent much of my “work” time today, desiring to connect with you directly, looking for an email address, etc. to which I might be able to communicate with you directly. As I have been unable to find any, I choose to reach to you here. Though I am not a “millionaire”, perhaps it is within God’s design that there is more service I may be able to accomplish whether through writing and or ministry, locally and or beyond. My church has a mission statement to “…make an impact on secular Washington, DC with the message of Jesus Christ”, yet even within its own walls there seems to be a hole when it comes to the continued building of the saints once they have come to understand Christ, or to even seek Him, for those who are having difficulty with separation and divorce. The marital covenant I feel is the root and fundamental principle tool God orchestrated from the very beginning to testify and serve as witnessing example of His love for us and how we are to become within His body. I would love to be a more effective tool and to “impact” the lives I am able to reach, in a manner that builds hope and encouragement; that though my situation may not reflect His mercy and grace in the image of “restoration” currently, it none the less is always there as a possibility that it may still be within His design, yet more importantly, it is how we tarry through the valley of the shadow of death, with faith, hope and love, believing all things that are praiseworthy and honoring to Him, are of value, even our worst of times are for His beautiful purpose and meant to build character within us that is reflecting of the ultimate love He showed for us. He never promised it to be easy, and as all of the prophets and even Christ Himself witnessed to, it is far from; however, it was their willingness to obey and walk in and with Him that proved to be the Testimony that has encouraged and fostered such hope and joy in millions of souls throughout the countless ages of man and will continue to do so long after our time here; the bitter cup was not taken away, yet it was filled with immeasurable love that none except God Himself could bear its full weight.
I long to communicate with you Brother, as Paul longed to see the faces of the churches he and his companions helped to establish so long ago. If you, or anyone else here, wishes to reach me directly, please feel free to do so. I long for your encouragement and to be of encouragement to you. I cannot promise to be 100% infallible, but I do promise to be as genuine to Him as I possibly am able. Blessings, and God’s wisdom always. ~erik [eriksmiles(at)gmail(dot)com]

Reply

Jack Wellman July 22, 2014 at 1:34 pm

It is indeed strange that you sensed a desire to reach out and there is something special about you. I was only joking about the “millionaire” sentence but my great passion is to help reach those who are disenfranchised, those with no hope, those who feel it is useless…because those are the very ones who are desperate enough to see God as their only hope. I will add you to my contacts brother. I think we can help each other…and as I say sometimes we need the Three E-Migos’s in the Body of Christ today:

Encouragement, Exhortation, and Edification.

Love you brother. Love your signature…>Erik Smiles!

I sent you an email so we can communicate. I am sometimes not speedy in my response, so don’t take it as putting you (or anyone else for that matter off) since I write for this site, have a family, pastor a church, work for a foster care agency and am the sole means of support for family. May God richly bless you as you have us. I am off to work and “speak” to you soon brother.

Jack Wellman July 15, 2014 at 2:39 pm

I think it is best not to respond and yes, that is good advice because you certainly want to calm things down, if at all possible. I know that when Jesus insulted, revieled, and abused, He was silent but that was for another reason but He gives us a godly model to not respond in kind. Yes, you are not alone, believe me, and now that I know, thank you for serving our country. I thank God for our men and women who serve, like you do and have. Thank you for that.

Reply

Jack Wellman July 17, 2014 at 3:30 pm

So very sorry Ronnie. By what your husband texted you, he is committing murder in his heart according to Jesus. Yes, the Enemy wants to destroy marriages but God alone can change a human heart (Prov 21:1). When all we can do is pray all we must do is pray for only those things that we cannot change, God alone is able. Stay in the Bible. Stay connected with another Christian woman you trust and commit this to prayer (and maybe even fasting). When we feel powerless, God is more able to help us for He wants us to rely on Him when we cannot rely on ourselves. Don’t give up. I will pray for you Ronnie. I hurt for you.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Powered by sweet Captcha





Previous post:

Next post: