Dealing With Difficult In-Laws: 6 Tips For Christians

by David Peach · Print Print · Email Email

Dealing with difficult in-laws is a bit harder than dealing with people who are not related to you or your spouse. However, I think all the principles that apply to dealing with other difficult people can help in this situation too.

Here are 6 tips for dealing with difficult in-laws that you can use in conjunction with the information from the article: Dealing with difficult people.

Build a Personal Relationship With Them

Try and be friendly to your in-laws like you would with anyone else. You can’t force them to change the way they think of you, but with a right attitude and proper response to them you can influence the way they think. Try and build a personal relationship with them. When you married your spouse you were inserted into a long-standing relationship. Some people in the family will see you as an outsider trying to steal the loyalty of one of their members. Work towards a relationship with the in-laws that cause them to not see you as an intruder, but as an addition to the family.

You can’t rely only on your spouse’s relationship with their family. If your relationship with them is only because of your spouse, then they will always see you as an outsider. You too will begin to feel like you are trying to pull your spouse away from them if you maintain a distant connection to the family.

Allow for Differences

You and your spouse should be unified even if you cannot always agree with your in-laws.

You and your spouse should be unified even if you cannot always agree with your in-laws.

You won’t always agree with your in-laws. That is okay. But you should still treat them with respect.

There are people that you don’t agree with, but that you have to work with anyway. This can be the case when you have a boss that you do not get along with. However, you can still respect their position and authority. You find ways to work around your differences. Try to do the same with your in-laws. Allow for them to think differently and have different opinions. You and your spouse should be unified even if you cannot always agree with your in-laws.

Set Boundaries for Respect

If you are getting resistance from the family of your spouse, don’t try to force yourself into their events. You should try to build a relationship with them, but that does not mean you show up uninvited or unannounced to their Sunday dinner. Respect their independence and kindly ask them to do the same for you.

When my wife and I were first married we lived in the same town as my parents. Though I did not understand it at the time, I learned to appreciate that my mom and dad would never drop in and visit at our house unannounced. They honored that we were a couple and deserved the same level of respect and privacy they would extend to any of their other friends.

You may need to set boundaries and ask your in-laws to respect your time and privacy. They can come and visit, but courteously ask them to not drop in without warning. Make sure you extend the same courtesy to them.

Ask Your Spouse to Help

Your spouse will naturally be pulled between the two factions. Your spouse certainly understands their family better than you do. Your husband or wife should also understand the needs of you two as a couple. But, they may have trouble knowing where the tension is or what is causing the problem.

Your spouse should jealously protect the relationship with you. But sometimes a wife or husband doesn’t know what that means. Work to educate your spouse on how you feel and what stress is being caused by their family.

Enlist your spouse’s help in learning how to deal with their family. Ask them to educate you on some history that may make it easier for you to understand your difficult in-laws.

Don’t Try to Change Your In-Laws

People become resistant when they feel like they are being manipulated. But if you will try to think of their needs and try to put them first, then you may be able to win them over with love. You can’t change your in-laws, so there is no point in even trying, But you may be able to make them fall in love with you as a fellow family member. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Do what you can to make them want you to be part of their family. This does not mean you serve them hand and foot, but that you show them love and kindness that wins their hearts.

You Can’t Please Everyone

You may never win them over. That is a fact that may have to be faced. Realize that you don’t have to be buddies with everyone. Not everyone in your church is someone you choose to spend your weekday evenings with. The same may be true with your spouse’s family. But like you would be cordial with others at church, you should be kind and show the love of God to your in-laws. You may have to resign yourself to the knowledge that you may never be close friends.

You and your spouse need to work on having a strong personal relationship with one another. In the process of building a strong relationship together you will hopefully see your in-laws begin to trust that you will take care of their beloved family member.

Have you seen our collection of tips and advice? Take a look:

Advice and Tips for the Christian

Resource – YouTube video “Family of God”

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Patricia Schneider February 8, 2013 at 6:48 am

Mr. Peach, your advice was head on! Insightful article!
Unfortunately, my Mom-in-law did NOT like me because she didn’t think I was good enough for her first-born. Even when she came to live w/us for two years before entering a nursing home, she resented my caring for her, even my cheerfulness! Often she would say to my hubby (in front of me!) that she didn’t like the way I talked to him, etc. NOTHING I did or say helped in building a relationship with her. Yes, it hurt terribly and left me frustrated.
‘Til the day Mom died, she disliked me. (May Mom be resting
in peace with Our Sweet Jesus. Amen.)
How do I let go of the hurt inside? I’ve forgiven her through Jesus’ love, yet feel such disappointment that things were so difficult between us. (BTW, my hubby & I have been married 38 years last September. God has blessed us immensely!)
Always in Christ, Jesus….Patty


Oskey May 27, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Most of the problems seems to be expressed by daughter-inlaws or the younger generation with the older. In my case I find it difficult the other way around. I am mother-inlaw to a woman who thinks the world evolves around her and only what she thinks. She and our son invited us to move interstate to help out with the young grandchildren with suggestions that they would like to build a closer bond with us. Luckily we have our investment home in the same town and setting it up to achieve this was expensive, nevertheless we did on our own expenses. She calls only when we are needed; conversations are often about herself or too confronting; we cook, clean and help out with cleaning at their place as well as taking care of our own home. I am beginning to feel we should let them know we are not doing this for the rest of our lives. We miss our friends and doing the things people of our age do…retire!!


David Peach May 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm

Oskey, You are right, this was written from the child’s perspective. I am not an in-law yet, so I did not even think about the other side of the relationship. Maybe we will have to get one of the older authors to write something from that perspective.

Hard conversations are never fun. And they often hurt deeply in the moment. But I think you are right that you need to let them know how much they are asking of you. I know you don’t mind being there with the kids and grandkids, but there needs to be some greater benefit to you and your husband.

I trust God will give you wisdom in confronting the situation and talking with your children.


Oskey June 11, 2013 at 4:44 pm

I often wonder if this is the generation that we as baby boomers indulged and spoilt. Talking to this generation of ‘give-me’ is foreign and straining. God has been good to us and I believe He will provide wisdom and discernment. We are now in a situation where whatever we say could be taken as selfish from their perspective.
Thanks for letting me air my frustrations.


kylie February 28, 2014 at 8:31 pm

My issue with my in laws is a bit different- it isn’t unusual for us to come home to find them fixing or painting at our home. While we appreciate their help, it is overstepping bounderies to let themselves around our place. For that matter, bringing it up to them, even lovingly, it causes quite literally a world war 3 in which they yell very unloving words and are very unreasonable and childish. Eventually my husband always gives in and it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes angry. For that matter, I am beginning to feel that their relationship isn’t something I want my children around. How do I handle this?


Jack Wellman February 28, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Kylie, I am not the author of this fine article but I suggest, speaking as a pastor, that you go with your husband and speak with your pastor about this. In the first marriage ceremony in Genesis it is said that a “man shall LEAVE his family” and the two shall become one flesh and they’re to become a new family. He is to leave and cleave. Cleave to his wife and leave his family. You in-laws are way, way out of line doing this. I would even change locks if necessary. This is interference in the God-ordained sovereignty of your and your husband’s family. Try telling your husband this…and then say that it is putting pressure on you and your family, children included. If that doesn’t work, have your husband speak with your in-laws, and I get the feeling that he won’t do that…then ask if he minds if you do. How would THEY like it if your in-laws came home and found you redecorating THEIR home.


kylie March 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm

Thank you, Jack Wellman, I appreciate your response. Unfortunately we spoke with a couple who council at our church a couple years ago when we were first married who said something similar but my husband hasn’t come around to that yet. And nothing has changed. I have spoke to my in-laws myself but it just makes me the, in essence, “bad guy” from all points of view, and for my effort I usually get cold shouldered by all at the family reunions afterward. I am working on trying to empower my husband to take more of the lead in all aspects of our marriage but I don’t think that he is ready for that yet. Perhaps in time- thank you for your advice, and maybe I will try the couple again later. At least I understand that perhaps this relationship with them isn’t the most healthy and I’m not the only one who would feel that way. We’ll keep chugging along! Thanks again.


Faith April 22, 2015 at 10:58 am

My case:

My FIL is in business. His only son – my husband and I are involved too (but major control is in my FIL’s hands). My FIL’s dealings are completely unethical; he purposely withholds salaries and payments (to suppliers and authorities by giving false reports) that are due.

I have confronted my FIL (& MIL who helped out in the business) and stood up against them more than once. I have also argued much with my husband for not standing up for good Christian values in business (they are all Christians).

Nothing seems to work but only relationships strained! Now even my sister in law complained on FB (& thanks to her friends who chip in to malign me) how I treated her parents rudely! It has gotten to a point that I stop visiting them completely except for special occasion.

I would greatly appreciate any advice on how I should handle such issues WISELY.


Jack Wellman April 22, 2015 at 12:28 pm

Thank you Faith for your question. My first advice is to always talk to your own pastor first because he knows you better than I do so have you spoken with him about this? What is “FIL” by the way. You said your FIL is in business. Is that your father in law? I would make the hard decision to get out of this business because you risked getting in trouble with the law but more than that, what you are doing is disobeying God by participating in illegal and sinful practices and God will surely not bless this and it may come back to haunt you in a court of law someday but surely you and your husband will have to give an account for why you didn’t do the right thing. You must take the risk and get out of this, even if your husband doesn’t but if he doesn’t, God will hold him accountable and God chastises every son and daughter of His so he is inviting the wrath of God on him. Also, talk to your own pastor about this. Ask his advice but do something quick. You cannot make your husband do what you want…it must come from him but any believer who claims to be born again but lives in and this includes, working in sin, cannot claim to know Christ. Read 1st John chapter 3 to see why I say that. You cannot control you father in law or husband but you can control what you do.


Melissa September 6, 2015 at 12:42 pm

My mother in law is not a nice person. She is rude, mean to my children and only wants my husbands attention. She has MS and although rather young 65 she is in a nursing home. My husband goes to get her every other weekend. This awlays causes a fight for us. She is rude to me and my holders and expects my husband to entertain her when she is here which means he ignores me and most importantly my boys. She doesn’t want to interact with them only my husband. My husband sees this but thinks he is obligated to spend the time with her and show his boys how to treat their mother kindly no matter what! I think that he should subject us all to her every other weekend and if he wants to spend the time with her, he should do that alone not make the family have to be a part of it! What is the answer?


Jack Wellman September 6, 2015 at 2:03 pm

Thank you Melissa. For one thing, is your mother in law saved? If so, we know that the Spirit of a God-given wisdom and patience, and such (Gal 5) is not dwelling within her and so she cannot help but be “in the flesh.” That is her nature, just as it was in ours before we were born again. Pray for this woman, love her unconditionally, do things for her, (hard, yes!) for then you “shall be the sons (and daughters) of God.” Jesus taught this, for even a pagan king’s heart, the Lord directs (Prov 21:1) and even a Saul (means “destroyer”) can become a Paul. Read Matthew 5 about how we treat and what we do for those who abuse or despitefully accuse.


Lena October 27, 2016 at 12:40 am

I have been dealing with anger toward my inlaws for some time and I am finally giving it to God and seeking guidance and words of wisdom from your article .
My mother in law was a decent person to be around and talk to up until my husband and I were engaged . She started trying to control our wedding and manipulating situations as well as gossiping and playing victim. What hurts me most is my mother in law is supposed to be a leader in the church and a women I would of like to had a bond and seek council with . My husband has even spoke to her how she is causing division in the family and he would appreciate if she would treat me like family and give me godly advice and she quote said “I’m not godly material I don’t feel like talking to her”. as for my father in law I’m hurt because he blamed me for everything his son does wrong or he doesn’t like about him. I love my husband but when his family is around it’s just problems and he even sees it but it’s even discouraged us from going to church knowing they are the leaders. In addition , she always pulls the church card on is that we are not christians if we miss church and don’t serve . But I don’t see it that way if the spirit of God dwells in you it shouldn’t matter where your at on Sunday’s although it is good for fellowship. I don’t see the love of God in this family she doesn’t consider me family which hurts because I’ve only done nice things for this family and take care of their son. I truly believe a Christian will love someone else as family blood or not because Christ adopts us into his family and loves us as his own.
What would your advice be for this situation ?


Jack Wellman October 27, 2016 at 9:03 am

Hello Lena. Jesus said the gates of hell won’t prevail against the church. Why don’t you like church? Church in not a building but people and because there are groups that cannot meet in a house, they must meet in a larger building. Read Rom 12 and 1 Cor 12 to see how being away from the church makes it impossible to do these “one anothers.” Tell me why you don’t want to go? You love God but not His children? There are no lone ranger Christians anywhere in the New Testament churches. Jesus is the Head of the Church and we are His body, so you are disconnected from His body right now. Do you and your husband have a children’s ministry, a ministry for the poor, ministries for the shut-ins and those who are in nursing home and hospitals and prison? That’s what we’re to do (Matt 25:34-40). By not doing these things for others, you are not doing them for Jesus (Matt 25:40). Hebrew 10:23-25 says “Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” Why no church for you two? What’s your reason?


Cheryl Olson January 8, 2020 at 2:42 am

Jack Wellman…some people may not be able to attend church due to many reasons.


Jack Wellman January 8, 2020 at 9:15 am

You are so right, but God says in His Word what we are to do (Heb 10:24-25).


Sarah Nolan November 27, 2016 at 10:15 am

I feel hopeful after reading your article. I’ve been trying for years to have a positive relationship with my inlaws, and I’m having an extremely difficult time with being rejected by them. There are some deeply rooted issues in my mother-in-laws life that she doesn’t talk about often, such as dealing with rejection from her own mother, that I think pours into our dynamic. We used to be close. Once my husband and I had children, she was competitive with my family who lives several hours away (she lives in the same town in Oklahoma as us), and spiteful towards both of us. This wasn’t for any lack of time with our child(ren). We’ve always encouraged and harbored the relationship between grandchild and grandparent. There began to be stories that surfaced about me that weren’t true, which seemed to simply fuel her own insecurities. Created by her in order to have reasons to cast me out. Any relationship that I have with my family, and any relationship my children have with my family is a direct affront to her. Her answer to this is to shut me out, put my parenting down when we’re in the same room, and make jeering comments to me, my husband, and my parents (they see each other for birthday parties and such).
After the last time together I had a panic attack when we got home. At what point do I honor my husbands family in a forgiving and Christlike way, and at what point do I protect my heart from being broken over and over again?


Nina Keith October 11, 2017 at 3:34 pm

I have a good relationship with my In laws. However they always ask us for money. There is always something that needs to be paid or done. My husband is a giver and I give too but I like to evaluate first. I am a firm believer that at some point you have to take care of yourself. (These are adults might i add) one which is living with a boyfriend….I don’t believe we should be paying bills for my in laws. My husband thinks I don’t like to give and that I’m being mean. When my family ask for money it is most of the time “No” or they don’t need that. It seems so unfair and it’s causing lots of strain on our marriage. Am I being unreasonable? I need help because I am going to explode.


Jack Wellman October 11, 2017 at 3:47 pm

Hello Nina. I think it is wrong for you to pay out to others and not exactly know where the money is going. For the couple living together, or living in sin, it is even worse to give them money. This is also called “enabling” and makes the see you as their dependent. In fact, they already are so I would urge you and your husband seek the counsel of a pastor, at least, or better yet, a Christian marital counselor, and talk about this. This will only make it worse. The Bible tells the man that he is to “leave his father and mother,” and while that doesn’t mean a complete cutting off, since the two become one, they are now a new, and separate family unit, and are told to let no man (relatives, in-laws, etc.) split usunder (or apart) and this is a very real possibility, so speak with your husband, tell him what I said, and perhaps you can read this to see why helping someone may actually be hurting many:


Nina Keith October 11, 2017 at 5:44 pm

Thank you so much. He makes me feel like such a bad person for not wanting to do this. I appreciate your words and will share them with him. I will also speak with him about getting some counseling.


Jack Wellman October 11, 2017 at 5:53 pm

I will be in prayer over this Nina.


Jack Wellman June 6, 2018 at 9:31 am

I do not think the author is able to answer you so please allow me. I am so sorry over all this. This marriage is already in trouble before it even begins, but if you do more or make any more suggestions, it may only drive them further away. I would ask your pastor about this too. Have they sought marriage counseling? I would imagine not. This DIL is troublesome in her behavior, but sadly, only God can change the heart (Prov 21:1) and if we try, we can only make it worse. Just be the best mother you can and pray for them and love them, so all you can do is be a godly, patient mother and leave what we cannot change up to God. My prayers are for you and this terrible situation.


Jack Wellman June 7, 2018 at 4:51 pm

Prayers for you my friend. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Perhaps sending it as a letter and letting it do the talking. Then I would leave the rest up to God because only He can change a heart (Prov 21:1).


Tellue October 22, 2019 at 1:45 am

Beautifu post… My problem is that my mother in-law hates me and speak ill of me to father in law, whom in our culture i should respect ( you don’t even shake hand with him as a sign of respect). He believes her and i cant even justify my self.. Im so stressed my huby too.


Ruth October 27, 2020 at 5:17 am

My husband wont leave his home and my inlaws are really controlling. it frustrates me and he says we will leave soon but it has been a year now. i dont know what to do


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