Primary Causes for Divorce: A Christian Study

by Jack Wellman on October 1, 2012 · Print Print · Email Email

What are the primary causes for divorce that most couples overlook?  What can we do to alleviate these causes?  To know the cause is to know what to do and to hopefully reduce the chances of a divorce occurring.  Here are some of the primary causes for divorce.

Top Reasons For Divorce

  • Some of the greatest reasons for divorce today are, in descending order:
  • Ongoing adultery/pornography (which is the same as adultery in the heart – Matt 5:28)
  • Lack of communication
  • Drug or alcohol addictions/abuse
  • Physical/emotional abuse
  • Sexual problems
  • Financial problems
  • Unfulfilled expectations
  • Differences in priorities
  • Differences in child-rearing
  • Religious or cultural differences
  • Boredom/falling out of love
  • Child sexual or physical abuse
  • Controlling spouse
  • Mental health issues
  • In-laws interference
  • Jealousy, insecurity or lack of trust
  • Shift in priorities
  • Children leave home/empty nest
A Christian Study on Divorce

Marriage takes work, but it is a God-ordained institution that is worth fighting for.

Addressing The Causes

If you have problems in one or more of these areas, this does not mean that you are headed for divorce, but if you have several of these issues residing in your present marriage, it could be time for counseling.  Counseling with a Christian marriage counselor reduces the likelihood of a divorce.  Everyone changes with age but change is not always bad.  Change is unavoidable as we are changing every day.  I am not the same man that I was 10 years ago.  I will not be the same man next year that I am today.  What remains constant in me is that I make a concerted effort to love my wife in ways beyond just saying it.  Love is a verb. It is not so much what you say as what you do.

By acknowledging the causes of divorce as a real and present danger to your marriage, you can address these serious issues ahead of time.  One example is to determine in advance what actions you will take.  I love what Job said that I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin (Job 31:1)?  The scourge of pornography is wrecking many marriages because it is making men and women commit adultery in their heart, for Jesus said, But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman [or man] lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matt 5:28). Not only does adultery occur in the sexual act, it starts in the heart, for as a person thinks in their heart, so they are in reality (Prov 23:7).

Pornography Is Adultery In The Heart

Pornography not only is committing adultery in the heart (Matt 5:28), it changes the brain’s chemistry in an almost incontrovertible way.  Shocking as it may seem, women are becoming more and more addicted to pornography and online is the place where this is happening.  Stunningly, the latest statistics are that 41% of women have looked at pornography within the last month.  The percentage of men is even worse.  Looking at pornography actually becomes as addictive as heroine and it changes a person’s brain chemistry in similar ways.  I believe to make a covenant with your eyes, as Job said (31:1), is to make a decision in advance to not even for a second look at anything that appears to be overly stimulating.  Sadly, that’s going to be about impossible to do in our present society because even on TV, the Internet, billboards, and on the magazine rack, pornographic photos abound.  The pictures might be legal but that doesn’t mean that they are moral.

Child Sexual Abuse And Pedophilia

Just like pornography, child sexual abuse and pedophilia is not just a problem for men anymore.  Increasing numbers of women are becoming involved.  Not only is it immoral, it is illegal and a criminal offense.  The false thinking these days is that some are genetically predisposed to child sexual abuse &/or pedophilia.  One prisoner told me that his counselor told him that he has a genetic defect and a specific gene that predisposes him to be a pedophilia.  This is just as false as the supposed gay gene.  Even if this were true, which scientifically it has never conclusively been proven, it is still wrong.  That is like giving a criminal an excuse for their criminal behavior.  What’s to say that some may be genetically predisposed to kill, rape, or torture?  Where does this thinking lead?  It leads to the person who committed the crime as being a victim of their own genes.  This makes them feel that they are not responsible for their behavior and enables them to never change.  It makes them give up trying since they believe that they are a victim of their own genetics…a helpless victim of their own biological makeup.  We live in a fallen world and as we are all the children of Adam, we are all disposed to be sinners, but it does not give us permission to do so.

Alcohol Or Drug Abuse

Alcohol and drug abuse, or both, has wrecked many marriages.  There are many wonderful recovery groups available.  Many of the most effective are free and faith-based recovery groups.  There is no reason to believe that once a person gets married, these problems will be solved.  In the vast majority of them, they only get worse.  Red flags are a lack of motivation to work, missing funds/money, unexpected rage or anger, outbursts when seemingly trivial things go wrong, lying, job loss, keeping oneself unkempt in appearance, loss of appetite, lost of interest in common things, withdrawal, and depression. These are warning signs that something serious is happening with that person. If you are married to someone who is displaying some or many of these symptoms, you desperately need to have your spouse seek counseling.  Alcohol or drug abuse almost never get better or their own or left untreated.  I have talked to former and present alcoholics and they do not change until they hit rock bottom…and they usually take their families with them.

For Biblical Help Check out these verses: 15 Bible Verses To Help With Addiction

Conclusion

Again, here are the top, but not all, of the reasons or causes for divorce.

  • Ongoing adultery/pornography
  • Lack of communication
  • Drug or alcohol addictions/abuse
  • Physical/emotional abuse
  • Sexual problems
  • Financial problems

I have not addressed all of these concerns but only the most serious.  You need to be a prayer warrior for your spouse.  You need to be praying daily for them and to be aware of the potential dangers to a marriage.  These dangers include pornography, lack of communication, substance abuse, and physical/emotional abuse. Satan would love nothing more than to destroy Christian marriages.  The family is the basic building block of nations and of society in general.  As the family goes, so goes society.  Put on the armor of God (Eph 6:10-18), pray for your mate, make a covenant with your eyes, avoid controlled substances (except where a doctor prescribes), sit down daily to talk with your mate and just sit and listen, and make a budget and stick to it.

The old axiom is true:  If you fail to plan, plan to fail.  To be forewarned is to be forearmed.  Marriage takes work, but it is a God-ordained institution that is worth fighting for.  I pray that this will make you think about just how precious your spouse is to God.  See them as Jesus sees them.  Look at them through His eyes.  He loves them more than you do.  I pray this will help alleviate many of the causes of divorce for your marriage.  By reducing the risk, you reduce the chances that you and your beloved spouse will divorce.  And if you have children, these are the most precious, innocent victims of all.  I also pray you make Christ the Chief Cornerstone of your marriage because Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Eccl 4:12).

Here are some other related articles for you to check out:

Resources:

New International Version Bible (NIV)
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Robert October 1, 2012 at 7:25 am

Jack,
It amazes me that any marriage works without God as its center. There are so many forces against marriage these days. Thank you for this article, sir. I appreciate it greatly.
Yours in Christ,
Robert

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Jack Wellman October 1, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Well said Robert. I believe one of the greatest miracles is that men and women can live together in a general harmony that can only be done uniquely in Jesus Christ as the tie that binds and a three-fold cord that can not be broken.

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Steven October 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm

As one who realized I was a sex idolator, I cannot describe to anyone how powerful sexual sin is. It can never be fully defined, you can only live through it as the offender or the offended. I do not know if I will ever be able to completely defeat the power that it has over me. Even with Christ on my side, I fight a losing battle most of the time. The only peace of mind I get is knowing that Jesus did not stone the adulteress woman in John 8. I will never know why He chose to spare me my life after I begged to die for what I did to my wife.
Anyways, while I have no excuse, somethings happened in my child hood that destroyed every barrier and protection about sex that should of been there. And while I never did to anyone what was done to me, I rationalized it as being normal. It took 22 years before I finally came to accept that what had happened was wrong and just how deeply it perverted my thoughts and actions. You could put me on the poster for total depravity.
I ask that if you have young children, protect them. You really cannot trust anyone when it comes to the sanctity of sexual relationships, which of course is marriage and only marriage. Maybe things would of been different had I not been addicted to pornography for fifteen years. Luckily, Jesus died for my sins and only the infinite Son of God could bear my sins and spare me from myself.

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Jack Wellman October 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Amen Steven, for none of us reading this post can cast the first stone unless it would be at ourselves. I see that you have claimed the mercies of Christ that His atonement is for all sins and every sin under the sun. Even Kind David, who committed adultery and murder was not beyond the reach of the completed work at Calvary. I think it took a God to die for us for our sins can only be forgiven by such an enormous sacrifice and that was done in Christ on the cross. Thank you Steven for your open honesty.

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Derek Hill October 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm

This was a very informative article Jack. Thank you for it. My church is actually launching a “celebrate recovery” program this month. It is much needed and will greatly help many in our congregation and outsiders that will attend. God bless you brother.

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Jack Wellman October 1, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Thank you Derek. I feel that if Satan could attack any nation he would first direct that attack at the family and indeed he has but we can claim the mercy of God and I thank God in Christ Jesus that churches like yours are doing such a mighty work to thwart the enemy of our God.

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Debbie October 6, 2012 at 12:15 am

Mr. Jack I really appreciated reading your article, it is exactly what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been married for 27yrs my husband has 3 DWI’s,got a six figure income, I got laid off and he does not want to take on the utilities but has no choice, committed adultery twice,the second time I was harassed as well as my kids 20 & 24 with calls and emails by his mistress. It was too much for my family and things haven”t been right ever sense and my husband never apologized. He says in his mind he is divorced so this is how he acts, he is soo full of guilt he cant look at me or say one word so we dont talk at all.We don’t sleep together anymore.I dont have a job so I cant get a divorce and he will not get one. I’ve tried to allow God to fight my battles, I’m even having problems with the 20yr old (Girl) cause she don’t feel her father should pay the bills, tells him everything I do or say because he is giving her money. My 24yr old (son) has Chron’s disease and he does nothing for him cause my husband feels he sides with me..Anyway thanks you for shedding some light on my situation.

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Jack Wellman October 7, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Wow Debbie. It sounds like you are in a hard place. I admire your strong faith for staying in the Word of God. I can tell you that you desire to obey God or you would not be reading this article. At times like this, when there is nothing else we can do, we must fall at Jesus’ feet and unload all our cares & burdens upon Him and truly, only God can change the hearts of your husband & children (Prov 21:1)who your husband has turned against you. It doesn’t sound like any of them are saved so we can pray that the Holy Spirit reveals to them Who Jesus is to bring them eternal life for surely their fate is not good in eternity (Rev 20) but yours is safe and secure at least (John 10:28-29). Perhaps Psalm 37 will help you my friend.

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Pamela Rose Williams October 7, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Hi Jack. This is a great article and in our ministry we have seen all of these issues at work in failing marriages. I think one thing we often overlook is the importance of each the husband and the wife understanding their role in the marriage. We have seen that a lack of understanding in this area is just as likely to destroy a marriage as the things you mention.

It all goes back to people not knowing God’s design and when that happens Satan, that old devil, gets his hooks in and uses all these devices as his tools of destruction. When he destroys marriage he has an inroad to destroy the Church.

Thanks for helping us to study this.

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Jack Wellman October 7, 2012 at 5:47 pm

So true Pam. As marriages go in a nation, so too does the nation and its people. The devil is working harder than ever and particulary against Christian marriages. I believe it is not so much what we want out of a marriage but what we put into it. Great point my friend. We need to know the biblical model of what God intended for us to do in marriage and each has a different role with the two making it complete and without Christ in the marriage, it is a hard road to travel. I appreciate your kind words.

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rozanna October 7, 2012 at 6:48 pm

It’s so sad to see that divorce percentage keeps on increasing in Christain families. Aren’t christians meant to be examples and role models? how can we now rise and encourage people to stay together and solve thier problems, when it’s actually happening to us. who will ever want to listen to us christians!

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Jack Wellman October 7, 2012 at 7:09 pm

You are so right Rozanna. I think part of the problem might be that the Enemy is working overtime to divide Christian homes because those in the world are already his…and another thing may well be, from what I have read from those going thru divorce, that there are actually many false converts who say that they are Christian but show by their abuse, adultery, and emotional language and lifestyle that they display on evidence of what a Christian really is (see 1 John 3). I believe that those who are not believers should be looking at Christ in the first place and not necessarily Christians lives because when I placed my trust in Christ, I saw that I was a wicked, wretched sinner, which the Law of God showed me and that I needed cleansing from Christ’s work on Calvary. Even so, Rozanna, you make a great point. We are being a weak light and salt that has lost its saltiness. Good point.

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Chege (Nairobi, Kenya) October 8, 2012 at 10:37 am

Hello Pastor Jack.
Thank you for this article. Thank too To God for using you coz all your articles are prophetic since they highlights what affects our live versus the word of God. Marriage is an institution ordained by God Himself and one thing I know is that God never make mistake. If we look from Genesis after the first sin, God did pronounce what He expects us to coexist, the roles and responsibilities each has to play. In the book of Ephesians too Paul elaborates further on how we should carry ourselves towards each other. Whenever we turn away from what God expects us to be like we invite all the problems that befall the marriage. Marriage is about understanding and if we fall short of it all those points you laid down above will be the catalysts to bring down the marriage. We misunderstand LOVE # SUBMISSION coz these two to me is about responsibility. They define the line of man an supposed to be in a home and likewise the line of woman one should be. One should have an understanding of what is marriage even before engaging in it and what to expect once in it so that we cope with situations evading the loopholes the devil uses to demolish marriage. I have seen all those factors you’ve quoted ruining homes here and especially lifestyle and alcohol. I like Psalms 133 which talks about TOGETHER & UNITY which is leads to BLESSINGS. Marriages will only survive if we live together in unity so that God commands blessings. Many live together but there is no unity and here God wont send blessings where harmony doesnt exist. We need to take and base our marriage with the word of God to scare away divorce.

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Ben October 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I’m a non-believer and a secularist, but I wanted to weigh in on this issue because what I’m about to write could have saved my marriage.

A common conception is that those who are more liberal or non-Christian are “pro-porn” and tend to say things like “there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s fine” and things like that. To be sure, there ARE people who say that. But there is a growing movement among Christians and non-Christians alike who view porn as an addiction problem. I think this is very important because, when it is viewed in this way, it is easier to understand why it can be such a big problem, why it can lead to sexless marriages and, ultimately, divorce, and why it is so difficult to escape the pornography trap.

There is a website, http://www.yourbrainonporn.com, that has many articles and a multi-part video explaining just why it is that porn can be such a destructive force. The videos are tasteful, but (just as a warning) does contain some sexually explicit discussions and therefore might be best viewed in private.

The core thesis of this site is that viewing pornography and using such material to masturbate to orgasm (which, let’s face it, is pretty much the only reason to view it) has many of the same effects as drug and alcohol abuse, gambling, and other activities which can cause our neurotransmitters to go haywire.

If any of you suffer privately from porn addiction, you know the symptoms:

- You’re browsing the Internet looking up the best recipe for lasagna or checking out the latest cat picture when you see something sexually attractive (it could be nothing more than an attractive man or woman). This “stirs” something in you and you start to seek out more images like this.

- Before you know it, your biological instincts kick in and rational thought goes out the window. The blinds are drawn, the pants are down, and you’re going to those sites you promised yourself last time you would never visit again.

- You view this pornography, finish, feel bad about it, then vow that it was just a temporary weakness and that next time you will be stronger.

- Meanwhile, your spouse (most likely your wife, but women increasingly have this issue as well) is waiting in the bedroom and wondering where her husband is.

There is no doubt about it: this behavior can absolutely DESTROY a marriage. It destroyed mine. I thought that porn and sex were different things. Of course, when my wife was around, I’d want her instead of porn. After all, how can pixels compete with the flesh and blood of the woman you love?

At first, perhaps it doesn’t. Maybe, you think, it’s actually INCREASING your sexual desire for your spouse. But you’re probably mistaken. It won’t take long before your brain becomes accustomed to the hightened erotic stimulus that only porn can provide. Porn slowly but surely becomes a REPLACEMENT for the real thing because your “lizard brain” craves sexual variety. All it knows is that you received some stimulus and achieved orgasm. It has no IDEA that you’ve never actually met this person in real life, nor will you ever. It also doesn’t distinguish between moral/ethical sex acts and those that are distasteful. Each time you use porn to achieve orgasm, you’re training your brain to associate this activity with a release of the serotonin and other neurochemicals that your brain craves.

Furthermore, humans tend toward “homeostasis”. This is a fancy way of saying we’re lazy. If your brain can get a sexual reward with nothing but clicks of one hand and stimulation with the other, it will tend to prefer that to the actual effort it takes to be sexually intimate with another person.

The end result is as sad as it is predictable: the more porn you use (let’s stop using the word “watch”, this isn’t baseball, here), the more you train your brain that it is more rewarding and effortless to perform this activity to get the same amount of sexual satisfaction. This all happens deep within the brain and is subconscious. You can consciously tell yourself all you want that this was just a temporary thing because you were aroused and your wife was on a trip or at the store or something, but it’s not convincing the part of your mind that actually directs action.

This, as should be no surprise, is EXTREMELY hurtful to your spouse. He or she might wonder where the spark has gone in your relationship. Do they still find me attractive? Of course you assure them that you do, but it doesn’t change the fact that you don’t seem to be making out in bed anymore. Deny it all you want, but your spouse is probably no idiot: he or she suspects porn use (or worse: infidelity) and is simultaneously hurt that you no longer find them attractive AND that you’re not being honest. This leads to marriages with no intimacy, resentment, and stunted communication. Bad news.

Men: no real woman can possibly compete with the airbrushed, photoshop “professionals” with boob jobs and bleached hair and fake tans and impossible wax jobs. My ex-wife was extremely beautiful and sexy by almost any man’s objective opinion, but yet I STILL found myself… not “unattracted”… but “bored” with her. This is 100% due to my abuse of pornography. If I had avoided falling into this trap or, failing that, admitted it to my wife and worked earnestly to repair the relationship and battle my addiction, I have no doubt that we would still be married today.

I miss my wife dearly. If this happens to you, you will as well. Don’t do this to yourself or your spouse.

In some cases, it’s easier for a Christian to abstain from pornography because of Christ’s admonishment that lustful thoughts are adultery of the mind. For secular couples, it can be difficult because of a preconceived notion that it’s somehow “ok” and it’s only those “crazy people who don’t dance or drink” that don’t like porn.

But there’s another side to this as well, and it’s the reason I’ve written this novel of a post. I’ve spoken to several Christians privately who have admitted that a big part of the problem is that the very fact that porn is sinful and taboo makes it even MORE exciting. As a non-Christian, I can’t help them much with the spiritual side of the battle (and I would suggest that you engage in an honest discussion with your pastor about it), but if there’s anything I hopefully COULD do to help both you and your marriage, it would be:

- To tell you that this isn’t a conservative Christian issue. Just as there are atheists who are pro-life, there are also plenty of secularists and liberals who have come to see porn’s harmful effects on relationships.

- We don’t have to agree on issues of pre-marital sex, masturbation, or using porn outside of a relationship to agree that, within a relationship, pornography is ill-advised when viewed together and absolutely inappropriate when used alone as a substitute for real sexual intimacy with your spouse.

- There are both scientific AND spiritual reasons to restrain from using porn. If, privately, the theological taboos against it are causing it to become paradoxically MORE irresistible, the scientific side is another tool you can use to remain strong or find new strength. This is a very good example of the kind of thing where science and religion can not only find common ground but reinforce each other.

Lastly, I know this is a thorny issue and it’s also a deeply private one, but I truly hope that, if you are suffering from a porn addiction, my words will help you come out the other side with a stronger, more intimate relationship with the person you vowed to have and to hold for the rest of your life.

You owe them that.

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Jack Wellman October 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Ben, I do not care that you are a not a Christian, because after checking out that website, there is so much good stuff to help people overcome this stronghold of pornography. Thank you so much sir for contributing it to this article. You are always welcome here Ben.

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Empty Inside January 20, 2013 at 4:25 pm

Following your post for some time I have felt that I am obligated to stay in a relationship with my husband. He makes me feel so ugly and repulsive so I have become very materialistic with clothing and upkeep to try and be attractive to him. He thought I was too fat and would rarely sleep with me after I had my daughter and I was a size 4 at the time. I decided that i would lose weight and struggled with it so much i started to quit eating. When i would eat I would feel so discusting that I would throw up and this became quite often. I got to a size 0-2 and This became my best friend because as I lost weight he finally payed some attention to me and eventually would sleep with me again. When I became pregnant with my second I stopped purging and dieting because bringing a healthy baby in the world was more important to me but he started to golf about 5+ times a week and tell me he was at work when he was really out doing who knows what and would not spend time with me. This got really bad the last 2 weeks before a deployment and I couldnt understand why he wouldn’t want to spend time with me (at full term pregnancy) and our daughter. I begged him to take me on dates or anything at all just to give me some attention. I tried everything! I let him dowhatever and go wherever he wanted, made dinner every night and made sure the house was spotless when he got home (all the time I was a full time student and part time working). He says hurtful things constantly and has said he didn’t think I was beautiful at all and that he only was with me in the first few years for the sex and not love .As far as I know since we have been married he has stopped cheating but I do not turn him on and he would rather use porn or time in the shower for the matter. The porn doesn’t even bother me. I have tried to incorperate it into our sex life to improve it and i did everything to try and “spice it up.” After two kids, even as a size 0-2 he did not want me. We are separated right now because I feel so alone and empty and therapy has not helped. I became really sick for several months before they figured out what was wrong (thyroid) but I needed him and he was not there for me. This was a breaking point for me and I just dont know how to take him back but I still love him somehow. I am emailing you now because I think about other self distructive ways to gain control of my life. I am not suicidal and I quit my eating disorder but I know that staying with him will only lead to another self distructive life style. I fear God will not forgive me for leaving because as far as I know he stopped cheating after we married but I also feel that if I stay in a relationship this empty that I will always resort to cutting or purging so I can keep a false smile for my children. I dont know what to do. I tried to get a plasitc surgeon give me a tummy tuck and he refused saying there was nothing to work with. I used to be so confident 7 years ago and i was a healthy size 6 happy girl. Now no matter what materialistic things I do to myself, it isn’t enough to make him want me. How can I possibly take him back? He laughs when I cry.

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Ben January 20, 2013 at 8:31 pm

Your post really touched me and I simply had to reply.

I’m not going to write a novel or anything, I’m just going to focus on one statement.

> He laughs when I cry.

If that’s truly the case, you need to leave and never look back. Period. A man who laughs at his crying wife is not a loving person. When I was married, there were plenty of times when I was angry or frustrated at my wife, but I would NEVER laugh at her. Never.

This should be a deal-breaker for you. End. Of. Story.

> How can I possibly take him back?

Why would you want to? Is it because he’s the father of your children? Well he may be the biological parent, but you can probably find a much better FATHER.

Is it that he’s so good in bed? Doubtful. It sounds like he has a low libido toward you and probably has trouble keeping it up. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. Husbands are supposed to make you feel sexy and good, not used and unattractive.

Is it that you love him? Maybe. But you’re more than capable of loving others just as deeply if not much more so than you love him. You just have to give yourself a chance.

I know you’re going through a lot of pain and I want to give you this virtual *hug*, but again…

> He laughs when I cry.

Get away from this guy. Yesterday.

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Jack Wellman January 21, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Hello “Empty Inside.” I apologize for not responding sooner. I am so saddened by your current state of affairs. I am glad that he is not cheating on you anymore. I sense very strongly that this man is not saved. No Christian husband would ever treat his wife this way and claim to be a believer or follower of Christ. We need to pray for the Holy Spirit to convict this man of his sin and the ongoing pornography is troubling to me. This is also sinful.

Let’s join together, and I pray others will too, that the man sees his sinfulness, sees his need to repent, to confess his sins to God, and put his trust in God. God alone can change this hard-hearted man (Prov 21:1) but God will listen to our prayers and perhaps we can have others join in, in the hopes that God draws this man to Christ for help. If he should die in this present state, he will be forever cut off from God but you seem to be a believer from your desire to seek help and your understanding that divorce is wrong. Have you spoken with your pastor? Would this man be willing to seek marriage counseling. Even though I doubt he would, you could at least ask him. I see no ground for divorce based upon the Bible’s teaching but this mans seems so unusually cruel to.

God loves you just as you are. God looks at the heart but unfortunately, your husband is motivated only by appearance. Let’s pray for him, just love him and treat him as best you can, and leave the rest up to God. When we can do nothing else, we can only turn to God and rest in Him, trust in Him, and wait on Him.

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George March 2, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Hi Jack

I was looking for a christian advice when I found your article . I am going through worse period of life and need your advice through bible for it .

There are more private details I want to post here but if I can get your email it will help immensely .

I am a christian I got married in 2012 to my wife who is also christian . Just after a month of marriage I came to know that she is very very emotional . Sometimes I don’t even know how did I hurt her and she attempts suicide, does physical and verbal abuse . So far she has tried suicide which was life threatening 5 times for stupid reasons . I work 10 hrs every day while she is home all the time . During weekend when we go out I try my best to provide best things for her , still if she doesn’t get one thing she wants she will start crying and doesn’t talk to me for hours at-least once in a week there is a day where she attempts a suicide . For small thing , for example if I tell her to get groceries or clean home while she is home all time time she will get angry at me , she does verbal and physical abuse too when she gets angry . There is a fight every single day I return from work . At least once in a week she goes in to bathroom with knife and closes door from inside starts threatening me from inside while I cry out her to open the door . She has beaten me up so many times . Few times she tried to convince me to commit suicide along with her .

She wants me to support her family for all their needs . Her parents constantly interferes in every aspect of our life , but if I am in more contact with my parents she starts arguing about it .

I had prayed with fasting for days for her to get better . But nothing has changed for 1 year . I have gone through worse than what I mentioned here in 1 year . I am planning for a divorce cause I cant take it anymore living in this condition entire life . I have lost faith . Currently we are separated(not divorced) . She doesn’t want to provide divorce to me , I tried to reconcile with her but doesn’t want to accept that she has made any mistakes , instead she blames me for everything that happened . What do you advise in such situation .

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Jack Wellman March 2, 2013 at 3:44 pm

Hello George. Let me recommend this link for now at:

http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/contact/

You can contact me at this link and I will respond to you privately and your email will not be shared with anyone or given to any one else and I will keep the messages or replies in all confidence and privacy, of that you can be sure. I am heading to work shortly and will respond to this email as soon as I can friend. Thank you for your comment and please contact me privately at the link so we can converse in confidence.

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Jack Wellman March 2, 2013 at 3:51 pm

George. I believe this woman needs serious help. Sometimes it is a simple matter of a doctor giving her medicine to balance a brain chemical imbalance so there may be real, physical causes for her behavior. She needs counseling too. I seriously doubt though that she would seek it even at your request…am I right about that?

I will pray for you and I believe you need to speak with your pastor over this. Please, please wait and hold off on the divorce. There is not really any biblical grounds you have to do this sir. I say this in love and from what the Bible teaches, as painful right now as that might seem. Only the Holy Spirit can change her heart (Prov 21:1, Psalm 19:7) and so let’s pray for that. God is still in the business of doing miracles and nothing is too hard for Him so let’s be in prayer and ask for “unspoken needs” prayer from your church and your pastor. We must trust God in this and wait on the divorce for right now (read Psalm 37 to see why I say that). I would advise waiting, talk with your pastor, request prayers from the saints in the church, even if unspoken…God know’s and that’s all that counts.

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Kenneth April 30, 2013 at 5:27 pm

Hey Pastor Jack. Greetings in Jesus name. How you doing? Great to read your articles as always. I have two friends, women, both are divorced. The one is saved & the other is not saved. There’s so many verses in the Bible of marriage, divorce & re-marriage that that i’m surprisingly shocked that the one who is born again don’t even know this. What i mean is she is so desperately looking for another man to marry again & her ex-husband is still alive. He’s a backslider. I pray for them both. The reason i say he’s still alive is because according to the Word of God (1 Corinthians 7: 10-11) a man who divorce his wife can’t marry again, only when she dies he can & the wife who divorce her husband can’t get married to another man, only when he dies she can. The Bible also say is best to stay unmarried or re-marry that same person. If they do marry another spouse they become adulterers. I must still explain this to my friend that’s not saved yet. She was with me last week in church & i can see the work of the Spirit of God is busy with her. We very close, because of our past we had break up / make up relationships. I’ve told her i can’t have sex now if i’m not married & she respect that. We would like to be together, but i must still show her all these verses about marriage & divorce & explain the whole situation to her. Please pray for me on this one Pastor. Let the Holy Spirit guide me in Jesus name. GOD bless.

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Jack Wellman April 30, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Kenneth my friend. I surely will pray for you and I just love how you are committed to the Word of God as the judge of all and ultimate truth in Scripture. Surely the Lord is with you and the Holy Spirit will give you clarity I believe for you are seeking His will above your own.

Also, good for you for standing strong in your sexual purity. God is surely pleased in your walk in obedience my friend. You are an encouragement to us all Kenneth.

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Kenneth May 2, 2013 at 7:57 am

Thanx Pastor. Yes it’s not very easy standing strong with sexual impurity, but with the Holy Spirit we can overcoming anything that the enemy is throwing our way i believe. You so right that one of my aims is to live according to God’s will. I no longer live for myself, but for Him who died for us & was raised again. Thanx once again for praying for me & for others Pastor Jack. I keep you also in my prayers. God bless.

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Renee June 23, 2013 at 3:11 pm

Hi,
I’m a trying christian mother of 2 and was searching for some understaning on what a marriage should be. My husband is a back slider, who believes hes getting into heaven by a loop hole. His childhood was made up of a single mother and a father who was to busy going to jail and making babies then to care for their well being. He lost a job that ment the world to him and since then has treated me like I’m his “mommy” and should continue to spoil him and give him his way. You name it, he’s called me it, he’s even hit me. He’s watched his mother’s life and marriage and decided to bring that very same style into ours. That being said, I would like to bring up the point of today’s culture teaching our men how to cheat and making it easy for them to hide it and to except it as “normal”. My husband thinks that we must have seperate accounts, that he can have woman as friends and that he doesn’t need to tell me his phone passwords or any other passwords he has. He’s been taught that he doesn’t need to tell me his where abouts or his plans for the day, it’s even run down into his time spent with the kids. He hides their where abouts and he spitfully has gone out and made a worldly “family” to cover up the christian one he grew up in. He even takes my kids there to spend time with the worldly ones. I have stopped being a wife in all understandings of the word to him since he cheated with a co-worker who he would tell me was a slut with 2 kids of her own. My heart and my prayers go out to every person who is dealing with something like this. I stopped praying for him cause it hurt me continue. I’m torn because I can’t divorce him, I have no money. He makes sure of that by not getting a second job and causing us to suffer to ensure I go back to work. He lives to use me as an excuse to live an unGODLY life infront of people. I’ve given it to GOD. I can’t even get seperated from him because he’s on me about kids and where we would live, but when I offered him the kids, he rejected them. He lives by the rule, ‘it’s my way or the highway.

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Jack Wellman June 23, 2013 at 7:39 pm

Hello Renee. For what its worth, you have legal grounds and biblical grounds for divorce. Perhaps you can move in with your parents or talk to your pastor and ask for a place to live temporarily. You need to call the police and turn this man in and file charges against him. He could hurt you worse next time and not let you up. He is a criminal in abusing you and belongs behind bars. At least tell the police but for now, I would separate yourself for safety sake and turn this criminal in. No man has any good reason or excuse to abuse his wife.

This man is also headed for a terrible fate someday (Rev 20) but yours is so joyful that I can’t even describe it (Rev 21-22).

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